Take on Obama's Cuban journey

It's not exactly Nixon going to China, but it is close.  Barack Obama became the first sitting president to visit Cuba maybe ever, a good next step towards normalized relations but the real takeaway we had was

how about a bit of chivalry!!!  Maybe hold that stupid umbrella over your wife's head instead of over your own..are you afraid to get a couple of drizzles on your crappy suit?  Maybe you are not a secret Muslim after all but instead you are a secret Korean woman???

But anyway, this is an unprecedented trip and your replacement will have to continue in this course if I have any hope to have a chance to vacation there myself.  So Chief maybe do us a solid a curry some favors with your replacement for us.  Since we don't know who it will be let's just cover all the basis

Hillary
Bring her back a Cuban for Bill to celebrate when you win the election..

Bernie
one of those green hats,

Trump
How about some info on beachfront property


Cruz
the torture manual from Guantanamo,

Kasich
Get him one of the thirteen state allowable allowable haircuts.  Oh wait,l what is that you say.. oh wrong communist country, oh well whatever he has no shot anyway

Thanks, just hoping we have the ability to blow our US dollars on the island and lastly if it is not too much trouble can you pick up a new second basement for the Yankees

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Schiphol

For years Schiphol was one of the best airports which is probably my like telling her she is the least fat out of her fat friends. But now, even Schiphol has put on 50lbs and it's favorite pair of pants doesn't fit anymore

They have been doing this crazy construction for what seems like two years and what was once an open pleasant airport is now a cluster of alleyways, corridors and lines..nothing but lines.
I literally spent forty minutes going through a passport check as I was transferring from one European inbound flight to another after I had already shown my passport in the first city and I had to show it again before boarding my flight again. And honestly that forty minutes I spent seemed reasonable considering the line looked like it grew a new ass after I was done with it

Plus I can't find the herring stand anymore

The airport is officially in Charles De Gaulle territory for me

Take on The Hulkster

Hulk Hogan was awarded $115,000,000 today for Gawker posting a grainy video of him banging the female love sponge. I get that this is an incredible invasion of privacy but, shoot, if I had a chance I'd easily trade in 9 seconds of my naked ass for $115million. Truth be told, he may never see that money but in a world where celebrities often seem to benefit from the sex tapes that are released, the implication is often that they are themselves the source of the leak. Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton both built "careers" on the backs of banging some no-name rappers or whatever.

Take on the iphone charger

I have had six iPhones and more chargers than I care to count and have found that the chargers all fail in the same way. At some point, the wire right by the Lightning connector starts to fray, eventually splitting the rubber tubing and finally barfing some blue-green type of rust all over the rest of the cord. I have literally had 10 cords do this to me, always in the same spot and I ask Apple to come up with a solution.
I am fairly certain why it happens, people constantly twist the cord to get it to stick into the connector although you would have thought that with the double sided lightning connector this would be minimized

But now I am stuck with yet another failed cord which does me about as much good as a broken shoelace and there I go again buying another piece of electronic crap and increasing my carbon Apple footprint

Take on the German pisser

I am not somebody who needs a ton of privacy and am not one who is afraid of my (lack of) manhood but I cannot figure out what the hell the Germans find so appealing in their choice of urinal placement. They love having them close together and hate any kind of partition, so not only do you piss on your own shoes, Hans is pissing on them, too.
Come on you bastards, give me some personal space and let me pee in privacy and not be exposed to your 28 centimeter uncut bratwurst

Take on the Airbus seats

Flying sucks but somehow flying in Europe is worse. The airports are old and shitty, the airplanes are crammed and when you are on one the service is nonexistent. But there is nothing worse than the terrible Airbus seats which are more Paris Hilton than Kim Kardashian. These things have absolutely no cushion at all which make them completely uncomfortable as you can feel the knee cap of the fat Romanian behind you poking into your back like you are the princess and the pea. Add to that the fact that you are stuck sitting squeezed next to one Frenchman who hasn't showered in a week and some Italian who screams into his phone for an hour and you are ready to abort somewhere over the Alps and take your chances.

Take on the Kasich flyer

We're huge John Kasich fans mainly because unlike the rest of the circus in the GOP field, he seems like the least funny clown in the bunch. Being the least funny clown is not great in a circus but when it comes to potentially being the next leader of the Free World not being funny is not bad.
The problem with Kasich is that he sounds like a dweeb, dresses like he lost 40 pounds since the last time he wore his suit and looks like he gets his hair cut from a girl overdosing on Bubblicious. Nothing is more boring than John Kasich mainly because he has no charisma but almost as bad is the fact that he always falls back on his accomplishments which are very neatly packaged in an almost perfect stump speech of policy nerdness and nothing proves that better than his latest campaign mailing.

In life there is nothing better than getting a postcard, except when John Kasich sent it, he might be only person who can ruin a postcard.

If Trump sent out a card it would have a chick in a bikini standing in the beach, if Cruz sent you one it would be addressed to the IRS, if Bernie sent one it would just have a photo of those two old guys from the Muppets

The problem is that when I got a postcard from the campaign it was like getting a little piece of John Kasich in my mailbox. He didn't send out a fingernail or lock of hair but instead used a standard 4x6 postcard and vomited all over it with Kasich-speech. The issue is that his campaign knows that he can't ever hope to break through on the standard mass media, so they are limited to sending a post card. But that is not where it ended, since they realize it is likely to be the only time for you to think about John Kasich, they added every single campaign policy point on the back. Then they added this in an 8 font which means you need a miscroscope to hope to read about his time in Washington blanching the budget or his time in Ohio creating jobs. I guess it also means you won't be able to read about his role in the Contract with America and ability to defund Planned Parenthood.

Take on Trump

I was in Europe over the summer and our election cycle came up with a few European friends and colleagues. They all asked me if we were seriously giving Trump a forum and a chance at this thing but I assured them that this was all a publicity stunt that nobody expected to last.  Fast forward Sic months when I'm back here and they are all waiting for me to tell me that it will be ok. If you think Americans are worried about Trump wait till you meet the guys across the pond, they are all frightened

It is just embarrassing

Take on Marco's truth

Marco Rubio has finally figured out what all of us have known forever..Donald Trump is a qualified to run this country as Donald Duck or Howard the Duck or one of the Duck Dynasty guys would be. It also marks the first time in his campaign, Marco stood for something which is nice as he is about to bow out permanently. We have said before that Marco has pulled a better Jeb! than Jeb! which is impressive when you consider how incompetent Jeb!'s campaign. Although to be fair Jeb! always got one thing right..the danger of Trump and unlike all his weak-kneed contemporaries, he was not afraid to say it.
But like his mentor did in Bush Country, Marco will fall to the mighty Trump in Marco-ville which would be a lot more fun if the "co" replaced with "garita" but instead we are stuck with watered down Jose Quervo mixed in lime juice

Take on the projected winner

I've taken a collegiate level intro to statistics and an advanced statistics course and have applied them to almost everything important I have ever done including keeping sabermetrics for my fantasy football league. With all that experience you'd think that if be somewhat clear in how the hell a news network calls an election when there are literally zero votes placed. I get that they have confidence in their polling and have the best exit polls in the business but it is a bit odd that CNN called the Mississippi primary for the Democrats before literally one vote was tallied.

At some point we may not even have to vote, CNN will just project the winner before a single person who would eventually vote in that primary has even been birthed.

Take on fast, slow, deep and shallow

A friend of mine commented that between a group of friends we had about 15 girls and one boy and asked me rhetorically "how did that happened?"

A year ago I was in China, a place where people openly root for boys and go into a depression when they have a girl, when I was told the secret by some old Chinese lady. Forget cutting out meat, alcohol or whatever because the secret is not in the sweet potatoes or Brussels Sprouts, the secret is in how the turkey is basted

See the answer is pretty easy she told me in broken English. Aya you want a boy: fast and deep, you want girl: slow and shallow.

Now knowing this you will never look at your girl having buddies the same way again

Take on the Trump County Fair

First we had low energy Jeb!, then came Crabby Chris, then we had Lying Ted and who can forget Little Marco (well it seems everybody forgot Little Marco last night). The way this election cycle is going, it looks like we'll have a Hillary vs Trump-off and it will get ugly because Trump will go after everything in Hillary's closet and we all know that closet is deep. What will be interesting is to see how many men he can convert because his numbers women are looking like ratings on one of those final seasons of The Apprentice.

But let's get to that Trump's infomercial/victory speech last night. We were told about Lying Ted, Little Marco and probably about Low Energy Jeb! and a great bunch of steaks for $50 and a bottle of wine and a magazine and a golf course. What was crazy is that as Trump kept going about one Trump product after another Hillary took the stage and nobody left QVT. Every news station kept on Donald, it was like he was pulling a Rand Paul and filibustering.

Cruz took Idaho even after Trump told them earlier in the week that they make the best potatoes. There is literally nothing else anybody knows about Idaho other than that.

Trump took Hawaii too but I believe there were a total of 20,000 votes cast. At some point some of these states should get shunned to CNBC or FoxSports or something because they are wasting valuable time for Trump to sell his wares

In the meantime I am still waiting for Rubio's third place finish speech where he makes it sound like he took first place, those are gold. I guess the problem is that he may not have had his fourth place finish speech ready. He has the entire establishment behind him and he falls flat on his face. He really is the perfect Jeb! protege, he does Jeb! better than Jeb!

And then there was Romney, he is like King Midas. He gets involved and immediately sinks Rubes. Hey Mittens, just go home.

So we have Trump at 14 wins and 7 second place finishes, he is like Jack Nicklaus of primaries and we all have to root hard for somebody to step and beat him in Ohio and Florida but I don't see an Arnie or Lee Trevino in the bunch. Although the truth is John Daly would probably come out and endorse him anyway.

But the lasting impression of the week was of another likely Trump supporter, one Hulk Hogan who had to admit that although the Hulkster was hung like horse, Terry Bollea was hung like..well Marco Rubio. How long before Gawker releases a video of Trump jumping David Duke's wife

Take on Maria Sharapova

When Maria Sharapova got busted for a failed drug test nobody should have been surprised. The Russian darling of the tennis circuit had a dirty secret, the kind a 40 year old Chinese kid would have about a Russian tennis starlet. The thing is we have all know the Russian sports federation have long been tied to performance enhancing doping and this could not have come as much of a surprise to anybody. Not only do I not buy her medicinal excuse, I am sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.

When a friend suggested that knowing this that maybe she was also involved in the match fixing allegations that shook the tennis world a few months ago, I wasn't surprised at all mainly because, well, she is Russian. The implication has long been that the entire match fixing thing was the doing of the Russian Mob and people
With knowledge indicated that the culprits were world ranked Russian players, ones you wouldn't expect.

But of course the world will probably forgive little pretty Maria while constantly finding ways to knock Serena who is well on her way to be the greatest women's tennis player of the open era. I'd argue she is probably going to go down as the best women's tennis player of all time but people will argue it is hard to compare the players of today against ones wearing white skirts, shitty haircuts who played with wooden rackets

Take on the GOP delegate allocation

The more I stare at the primary schedule and delegate allocation the less sense it makes

Iowa has 30 delegates
New Hampshire has 23
South Carolina has 50

Without looking at population this seems about right, I'd guess that South Carolina has more people than Iowa and New Hampshire although I'd think the disparity would be greater than it the delegate count would indicate. There's so kind of weird formula which says that Kansas which is deep red gets more delegates per capita than say Rhode Island which are a bunch of frat boys with dirty white hats

Then I look at Texas and they get 155 delegates, makes sense as it is a huge state, Michigan gets 59 which seems low compared to Texas, Florida gets 99 but ok so far it seems like it makes sense. Then I see New York gets 95 and I am pretty sure they have a bigger population than Florida but I guess less republicans. I know there is some complicated allocation based on how "republican" the state is. I get that although having looked at the formula it makes his head spin

But still there are two issues

*how the hell do the Northern Marianna Islands get 9 delegates? I never even heard of them and they get more than half of what Vermont is allocated?? I am sure Vermont gets knocked down because they have a socialist senator but I am sure they have enough republicans to get them above a set of islands with six people on it.

* I cannot figure how the hell they decide which states are important. Nobody talks about North Carolina but they have 72 delegates to Ohio's 66 and Michigan's 59 and they vote in a week yet everybody has been speaking about those two states

Take on Rubio

Little Marco finally won a state, we'll it isn't really a state but whatever he won and we are good to celebrate with mofungo. I know he won Minnesota which should have been a big deal because we all love the twin cities but somehow it wasn't. The real issue is that I cannot figure what is a major state and what is a nothing state. How is Kansas a 40 delegate state and Michigan is a 56 delegate state but one state is a big deal and the other is one you forget is even having a primary. Anyway, Rubio is a paper tiger and he will lose in Florida by 20% and really I don't care because he is a complete empty suit and he needs to end this misery and go back to Florida and open a kiosk in a mall selling presidential campaign memorabilia. He sucks


Sent from my iPhone

Take on the planned work call in public

There are few things I despise more than some jackass deciding that he should take a conference call while sitting in a public places whether is be on public transportation or in a public place it annoys the crap out of me. It is not just that doing it at a bar in the middle of the day is wildly inappropriate, it is annoying because the guy is usually 6 decibels too loud for the setting and you just know the party on the other side can't hear a thing with all the background noise.

Go find a public park or a bridge somewhere and get this crap out of my life

Take on the Detroit Debate

Another night, another debate and I'm not sure we're any better off having sat through that last night

 

Here are some takeaways

• -           Trump is hung like a horse according to…. Trump
  
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• -          Rubio is hung like a pimple according to…. Trump
  
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•  -        Cruz had a tooth pop out of his mouth in the middle of the debate like he is some kind of meth addict
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• -          Kasich could really use some lifts in his shoes, never before has the adult in the room looked so small..even compared to Rubio
  
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•  -          Trump is moving very quickly to the center in preparation for the general election
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•  -          Rubio looked like Richard Nixon in that debate with Kennedy, he was a sweaty sick disgusting mess.   This country needs somebody great, not somebody who looks like they are about to puke.. he is disgusting
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•  -          Rubio's hairline has receded exponentially as the primary season has gone on.. You could literally project a movie on his forehead right now, not just any movie but an IMAX things
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•  -          Speaking of haircuts, Kasich probably gets his cut at the mall
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•  -          Trump doesn't need to get his cut
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•  -          Cruz probably uses one of those suction cup things and then puts the vacuum on little teddy.
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• -          Not exactly sure why Kasich mentioned that the Cleveland mayor was black.. is this the equivalent of telling people you are not a racist because you have a black friend?
  
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• -          Trump looked tired, even the great Trumponator seems like he has lost a little fire.. maybe he warmed himself up with Melanie before the night started, who knows but they always tell athletes to refrain from that before a big event
  
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• -             It was odd that after their last battle of the Alamo, Cruz and Rubio completely avoided each other, I don't recall a single interaction between the two
  
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•  -          Ben Carson really got no time at all, I don't even remember him speaking once
  

•  -          Megyn Kelly has dirty fantasies about Trump and his comments about the size of his VP choice only got her more hot and bothered
  
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•  -          The Gotcha moment with Trump with his flipflops was very weak and he worked that beautifully..   I am sure that Roger Ailes has instructed the entire crew that they have ditched the Rubio wagon and are now all on the Trump express..
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•  -          Kasich really can't speak without his arms flailing around, you can see he tries to control it early on but at some point he is karate chopping all around him…
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•  -          Kasich will balance the budget, the first thing he could do if he ever did become president would get rid of the sign-language guy who hangs with the president and just karate chop his own way through it..
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•  -          I wonder if between Trump's Yoga ability and his incredible manhood if he could literally suck his own..Let's leave it at that..

 

Here is our prediction in Michigan

Trump  32%

Kasich  31%

Rubio   15%

Cruz      11%

Carson   8%

Barry Sanders  2%

Michael Moore 1%

Take on the North Korean nuclear threat

Kim Jong Un is like the Jared Fogle of world leaders, every time you see him he gets fatter. Today he was quoted as saying that the North had to have their nuclear arsenal at the ready to thwart a chance of an Imperial American attack.
We get that this dude is a bit self conscious, there is literally no way that he can see his own d!ck without the use of a mirror and when he dose whip out the mirror he has to see that terrible haircut.

But it might be time to take out the tub of kimchee and I think I have the plan. We get some locals to arrange for a big outdoor cake feast, there's no way that Big Kim can pass up on cake and when he approaches the center cake, a couple of commandos jump out like that chick from Under Siege but instead of bazookas they got bazookas.

Take on Ben Carson

And then there were four!!!

Sometime in the fall there was a moment when the world was Ben Carson's oyster....for those few minutes he was Howard Dean, The 9-9-9 guys, Deez Nutz and the Rent is too Damn High guy wrapped into one and there was some thought that he could be the knight in shining armor we've all hoped for. Sadly, Ben Carson unlike his brother Johnny, was not ready for prime time and his campaign is expected to end today with about as much excitement as, well, Ben Carson. Never has a man who knew more about one subject been incapable of a rational though on another. Ben Carson spent months complaining that not body was listening and then proceeded to bore everybody to tears when they did.
He apparently has magical hands and with an ability to dull his patients to sleep in his Good Night Moon voice, was able to operate on an entire country without anybody noticing.

I think it would be nice if we all went out and bought his book, or not, I really don't care

Take on the Christie Face

There has never been a politician who has regretted his decision quicker than one Chris Christie did when he endorsed Donald J Trump this week. Not only did he look uncomfortable at the original press conference on Friday, he went from balls out defense originally to state appointed defense a few days later on the Sunday morning circuit . It was later reported that minutes after his big endorsement Trump was overheard saying "go back to Jersey" to Big Chris and now today he was seen over the shoulder of Trump looking like he had some bad fish. Poor guy is standing there just hoping for the Navy SEALs to come swarming in to rescue him to rescue him. I can't imagine what he would admit to his rescuers when they bring him back to Ramstein. My captors were horrible people with terrible spray tans and fake hair. I was tortured mercilessly, deprived of basic human necessities like sleep and water, my human rights were violated. please somebody give me double bacon cheeseburger and large fries

Take on Super Tuesday

For months w heard it could all come down to tomorrow but as of today there is no reason to turn on CNN tomorrow.

Your candidates for the 2016 leader of the free world will either be Donald "The Duck" Trump or Hillary "the Shrill" Clinton and honestly we are all fucked. Clinton is well qualified but about as trustworthy as a real-estate mogul. Trump is about as qualified as a serpent.

So get out the vote tomorrow...or get me a Canadian passport

Take on the car seat

Nothing is scarier than getting into the backseat of a minivan to see the vile conditions they have left us with. Juice boxes, yogurts, half eaten vita-gummies, toys, books, peanuts, popcorn and god knows what else lives back there which is a reason I refuse to go back there unless absolutely necessary. Well today I went one better, I actually went back there and took a couple of the car seats out to find they were all sitting upon a good three inches of grime. Then not feeling like that was enough, I took apart one of the car seats and I think I may have found the Loch Ness monster living in it. The old car seats were pretty simple but now they got padding and cushion and cushion on padding and layers and although I guess it keeps a kid safe, it always creates a billion little spots for crackers and cheese sticks and squeeze packs to hide out, just taking this thing apart today was eye opening. I spent one hour trying to clean it, removing all the cushion stuff and hosing the thing down with a power washer and then disinfecting it with three bottles of bleach.

Next time I will just buy a new minivan

Take on Hillary

We've avoided the democratic primary mostly because the combined age of these two is 200 and nobody expects that either makes it it of a first term let alone the election. We get that Trump is equally old but he all that fake sun helps.

Anyway, IT...IS....OVER

Soviet Sanders and his entire communistic regime has been beaten by Hillary and the great liberal machine and we're all worse off for it. Give me a chance to escape my reality because I am ready to salute dictator Trump

Take on the GOP debate

Last night we had the last debate before the SEC primary and it lived up to all the hype.  Say why you will, but Trump just makes these things a must-watch and the more Trump the better.   

Couple of takeaways

- it is striking how often Cruz and Rubio refer to  Trump my his first name, I am convinced this is this is by design to remind voters that he is a complete cartoon character.  

- weird that Trump only refers to Kasich as "the governor".  I think he forgot his name which isn't surprising

- also why does Trump always refer to Carson as Ben Carson and not Ben or Carson or something? Is he afraid that we'd think he is talking about Johnny Carson??

- Wolf Blitzen looks like a troll.  Not an Internet troll but literally a little weird thing that lives in a tree and make magic potions

- Love that Trump who lives in a tanning booth incubator told Rubio that he was wearing too much makeup before the debate

- we missed you Jeb!  sort of..

- somebody please mention Ben Carson's name at some point because the poor guy is dying up there.  But he spends more time bitching about what he didn't get to say than actually saying what he wants to say.  

Unlike Carson, the other six seed (Kasich) seems to get extra time when he does get to speak.  That bell never seems to ring which I attribute to how when you are bored the clock feels like it is standing still 

-I keep hearing how Carson in brilliant but the more I see of him at these debates the more I think that if I needed a brain transplant, I may prefer Trump to do the surgery.    With that said I'd pay money to have him read "Goodnight Moon"

- Kasich, I think it is time that somebody takes you out back and tells him that just because he wants to come across as the every-man, doesn't mean he has to look like a schlep.  He wears a suit which looks like he shoved in his overhead bag and he looks like gets his haircuts at Supercuts and when he spends all his energy not doing his karate chop hands thing he loses focus and goes into his boring stump speech

- Trump, at the end of the day, you want your candidate vetted and Trump is like ISIS right now, taking on all comers at once.  You cannot imagine how a guy with as little knowledge as he has, continues to dominate.  Yeah Marco had a couple of cute remarks but so did Trump and when he said that Marco was so nervous after his exchange with Christie last debate that he was sweating as if he had just gotten out of a pool does tell you that Marco is not quite as ready as you'd hope. 

- Cruz.  When 40% of voters in a major swing  State thing you might be the Zodiac Killer that is a problem.   He is near brilliant but so were most maniacs who have stared major world wars, and Cruz might be worse.  Worse than anything was the fact he kept coughing directly into the mic, dude cover your mouth what the hell are you some unsophisticated two pack-a-day ape??

And last must not least, the line of the night from the interweb' Thunderlips I liked how Rubio would zing Trump and then look at the crowd and smile like Stanley Roper used to on Three's Company when he zinged his wife.  

Sent from my iPhone

Take on HW

We're seconds from the first questions of the Texas GOP debate and one thing has been striking and it isn't Ted Cruz with his hand inside his jacket clutching his AK but rather the fact that apparently nobody told George HW Bush that Jeb! dropped out. He is sitting there like he is Stephen Hawking, one instead comes up with quantum physics theories, he makes terrible kids. There has never been a guy who has done more as a president and less as a mare, W was a drunk, Jeb! a wimp and the other one might be worse

We need to move on from the Bushes and Clintons, at this point I am even hoping Malia Obama moves into a bunker

Take on The Poorly Educated

Trump has shoved his foot in his mouth so many times he should be able to kick his own ass which otherwise would derail a campaign but not his. The truth is that nobody seems to give a crap that his foot is in his mouth and there is definitely nobody kicking his ass. But for all the cringeworthy moments of this campaign, yesterday's night victory rally was a nice mix of brutal truth when Trump proudly announced how well he had done with poorly educated and very quickly he exposed the fault lines in the campaign. If you have half a brain and know what the repercussions of a Trump presidency will be you will see Trump as an absolute disaster but if you watch the Kardashians you probably don't quite get it and somehow you have been programmed to think that Kris Jenner and Teresa Giudice might make good senators.

But with that said I'd still take Trump over Cruz, at least his sleaziness is overt

Take on Kurt Rambis

He is no Little Wheats to start off with but to come out and claim you were hacked for liking some Twitter photo of an Asian chick playing with her spicy salmon roll is just lame. I hate when celebrities (and crappy basketball coaches apparently) claim they were hacked whenever they do something stupid in a social media circle. I am pretty sure how this Kurt Rambis thing went down. He went onto Twitter and searched for Asian Milf and he got onto a stream of photos and after he was done...shooting hoops, he probably accidentally swiped his hand against the little heart thing. He didn't mean to "like" the photo but he was likely to prevent his Gatorade from hitting the screen and in a lame attempt, he proved that not only is he a crappy coach, he has beats his winkie in the bathroom of the Knicks practice facility.

Put in Jimmer

Take on Hitler's micropenis

I've always assumed that the more of a dick a guy is, the smaller his probably is, so it is of no surprise that we read today that The Fuhrer was hung like a peanut as he was obviously making up for inadequacies. For years it was rumored that Hitler was gay and that Eva Braun was just his beard but now we found out that really she might have just been a completely unsatisfied wench and that puts a nice smile on my face. But there is nothing more gratifying than knowing that evil personified probably couldn't see his own dingy and had to pee out of a hole at the base of his dick and not the tip.

Take on the wonder of Coffee

There are days when people ask me if I ever have a desire to give up coffee, and I can honestly say I do not. It's not just that I need coffee, which I do, but I genuinely love coffee. I love the flavor, I love the act of drinking coffee, I love the fact that it can give me a jolt when I need one and now I have more reason to love it. Today a report came out stating that the vast amount of damage I probably did to my liver in my teens, twenties and thirties might actually have been offset by the vast amount of coffee I consumed at the same time and continue to today. It was not uncommon for me to put down 15 Miller Lites on a Friday night when I was 28 but I can sleep well at night that I was probably having six to eight cups of coffee at the same time. Today I drink maybe 3 beers per month but continue to aggressively rehab my liver with 6-8 cups per day of java.
Can't wait until 6 am tomorrow morning when I can continue building my liver back up.

Take on the Trump victory

It took till about 7:30 but finally all the major news organizations called the South Carolina primary for one Donald J Trump. I can't say I'm shocked because every poll has called this for weeks but still I'm surprised that there are states in this country where 30% plus of republicans would vote for this maniac. Then again, the thought of a Cruz victory is even scarier, so I guess we should be happy but that is like rooting for Assad over ISIS.
Rubio in a solid third should boot out Jeb! which will be a bit sad because he did offer some entertainment even if he didn't actually bring the entertainment himself and was just a punching bag for Trump

So now we wonder, the Trump supporters will probably rally around Rubio which after getting atomic wedgied by Trump for six months has to be the ultimate indignity.

Take on Blue Apron

When I was told about Blue Apron I was more Han just a bit intrigued. You get fresh food, perfectly rationed delivered to your house and all you have to do is throw them together and 15 minutes later you are munching on a honey glazed cod with spring vegetables and roaster carrots. This sounded like the perfect option for a busy family who was ready to have inspired meals again.
The problem is that there is absolutely no way you can actually get this done in a anywhere near the time they claim. I made a meal lasts eel end which called for 15 minutes of prep and 20 minutes of cooking time and guaranteed a three course meal of rice pilaf, sauté baby spinach and Za'atar chicken skewers with a mint yogurt saucy. After two hours I had a bowl of yogurt, an overlooked chicken skewer and mash of rice and veggies and my hand reeked of garlic

Thanks Blue Apron for ruining my life

Take on the new look Jeb!

First it was the shunning of the Bush name, then it was adding the exclamation mark and now he has gone for a complete makeover with possibly only a few days left of his miserably run campaign.
This week Jeb! decided that he was no longer going to be four eyed geek for Donald to beat up on and for the last few days he has gone out on the town sans glasses becoming a two eyed geek for Trump to trump.
The problem is that he is a nerd regardless of the glasses and nobody is going to buy that Jeb! is all of a sudden the captain of the football team. He is such an insecure tool that he believes taking off his glasses will make him cooler when it probably only means he can't see the alarm clock.

Take on Scalia's conspiracy theory

The Internet has been buzzing with conspiracy theories about the cause of death of Antonin Scalia at a West Texas ranch over the weekend. How could a man just pas away in his sleep they ask, to which we answer, he was a 300 pound man in his late 70's who was not exactly the model of health. First of all, his job entailed him sitting on his ass for the entire day, I have never seen Supreme Court highlights with these guys doing anything but sitting, and in Ruth Bader Ginsberg...napping. Secondly the guy was not exactly the model of health, he must have put on 150 pounds since Reagan had him nominated for the high court.

We are not shocked that there was no autopsy done and that details of his death have been kept hush-hush because the chances of that hotel room having been littered with ciallis, blow and a couple of dead hookers and possibly a cabin boy is fairly high. Either that or the Dems offed by suffocating the fat man with a pillow.

Or maybe he just died in his sleep, succumbing to a life of meatball parm heros and Bloomberg sized cokes.

Who knows

Take on the WWF GOP field

This past weekend with the GOP debate airing on network television returned me back 20 years when five or six times per year Vince McMahon would put on Saturday Night Main Event.   The battles on Saturday night were epic, Trump vs Cruz, Cruz vs Rubio, Jeb! vs Trump and it was a complete bloodbath which can only be compared to the golden age of wrestling...

So with that in mind we out our favorite candidates into the WWF

 

Ronald Reagan- The Hulkster

Every kid in the 80's knew that there were two people looking out for them, who spoke about and for American virtue..Ronald Reagan and Hulk Hogan.. Both spoke about prayers yet neither ever made it into a church, both draped themselves in the flag to get their audience to believe and both were actors who proved to be phonies who played to their audience.    

 

Ted Cruz- Bret Hart

Excellence in Execution has no better comparison in the senate than what Ted Cruz is doing today and we'll see him pull every string to make sure that Obama can't get anything done..  He was immensely popular amongst a certain fringe who believe that he is the best there is, the best there was and there best there ever will be when it comes to fighting for the constitution..

Oh yeah, that and he is a Canadian..

 

Trump- Ted DiBiase
Is convinced he can buy the WWF belt and even if he can't, he will buy his own better one. He is more interested in doing it his way than ever thinking he needs to work it through lime everybody else does because he is just that brash and that rich...which makes

 

Ben Carson –Virgil

Carson is worth so much more and early on he could have been Rick Steamboat or something but lately he is just sucking up to Donald that this is really all that is left of him

Rick Perry- Hacksaw Jim Dugan

Kind of like the Hulkster expect dumb as a 2x4, draped in the American Flag although you're not sure he isn't wiping his ass with it when he's not in public view..


Chris Christie -George the Animal Steele
People will tell you that George Steele was a Harvard professor but all you knew about him was he was a walking talking Cookie Monster

Mike Huckabee – The Honky Tonk Man
The Honky Tonk Man never had realistic aspirations past the intercontinental title, like Mikey Huck never had any real hope for president but embraced the roll like nobody else ever could..

 

George W. Bush- Macho Man

The Son of a Wrestler who everybody hoped for greatness.   Nobody expected Macho Man to win the title in Wrestemania IV but the most unlikely combination happened and he won what was supposed to be the next great champion.  Problem is that he listed to too many people who never had himself, or the WWE's interest at heart and everybody suffered because of it.  When he spoke, you kind of cringed and you never felt his relationship with Miss Elizabeth-Condi, was all that clean.. That plus there are a million not so quite whispers that the Macho Man was high-as-a-kite for his entire reign. Which makes

 

Jeb! – Leaping Lanny Poffo

The much less energetic, much less fun brother of Macho Man.. later became known as the Genius! which is about as laughable as calling Jeb! one.

 

George H Bush- Angelo Poffo

A noted wrestler in the the 60's and 70's who spawned a couple of wrestlers and carried his carpet-bagger title proudly..

 

Obama- The Iron Sheik..

no comment needed

 

Bernie Sanders- Nikolai Volkoff

No comment necessary

 

Hillary Clinton- Linda McMahon

Wife of the guy in charge but we all know who wears the pants, because the guy on top really can't keep his pants on..

 

Rand- Kurt Angle

There has never been a better technical wrestler than Kurt Angle, even if he did it with almost no flare or excitement..  The guy was boring as a personality because he took himself way too seriously and refused to come down to anything entertaining.. Smug as all hell but nobody would ever accuse him of selling out.

 

Rubio- Ricky Steamboat

One of the more talented guy on the roster but always doomed to be the second fiddle because he just had no real personality.. Maybe America just wasn't quite ready for him or maybe the idiots that pay $45 to sit in the nosebleeds don't know any better anyway..

 

Peyton Manning- Jake the Snake

Loves throwing his snake on some unsuspecting person's face

 

Lindsay Graham- Greg the Hammer Valentine.

Like The Hammer, there are tons of rumors out there implying that Greg likes to get his hammer polished in the sauna at the New York's Sports Club

 

Howard Finkel- Bill O'Reily

 

Jim Powers and Paul Roma..   Pataki and Jindal.. just a couple of goobers needed to keep the undercard going

special thank you to local WWF historian Zed Frank for the help with this post

Take on the new GPS technology

There is new technology available for GPS which supposedly makes it accurate within an inch which sounds like overkill when you are driving from Boston to Buffalo. I mean how many times do you need to know, to an inch of accuracy, which part of the MassPike you are on??!

But then I came up with something where this might have some real value, trying to find a lost phone or set of keys. If I could use a GPS locator to tell me that my phone is not just in my house but in the third drawer next to my hello kitty socks, that would be a service that I could see being incredibly helpful. Time to put a GPS tracker on everything I own...including my kids

Take on the wind chill

I never quite understand why weather is reported the way it is. "The high will be 22 but it will feel like 11 with the windchill". If it will feel like 11 degrees, that is all that I care about, the rest is just theoretical crap.

Well today was one of those days, I left the house at 3 degrees but Mr. G warned me that it would feel like -10 and he was completely right because in the 3 minutes I spent outside, I felt my eyelids freeze shut. We have really only had a single bad day this entire winter but honestly it is time for summer

Take on Scalia

At 5pm my Twitter feed blew up with news that Antonin Scalia had kicked the bucket. This is big news at any point but with the election breathing down our necks, it took special importance. We will now debate whether or not Obama has the right to appoint the next one and truthfully he might get a chance at a other one as Ginsberg looks like she is about to kick the bucket and Breyer and Kennedy may both croak getting out of bed tomorrow.

Anyway, what was most surprising to me actually was that it took until about 5pm today to have this news become knows since they found his body this morning after he did not show up for breakfast at some fancy vacation ranch. We know that Antonin was not one to miss breakfast, so people must have been concerned within minutes of the first stack of silver dollar pancakes came out steaming hot.

What I noted was that The San Antonio Express had this story at about 11am today (as per Google news) but no other major outlet had it for six hours later. How in today's ultra connected world does it take six hours for something as big as this to stay buried. The only thing I have to imagine is that they wanted to give the family some respect in this time for mourning...... that and they needed time to bury the dead hookers and clean up all the viagra and blow

Take on the NY Waterway scam

I take the NY Waterway ferry a few times per month when I need to head to where my parents live. The ferry terminal is all the way on the west side highway, so getting there from midtown is a total hike and I'm always huffing and puffing by the time I get there. The issue is that you have to have a ticket before boarding at one of those ATM machines which always take forever.

A few weeks ago trying to be prepared for the next time I bought two tickets when I got there, one to use that night and a second to have in my pocket in case I was running late a few weeks later but little did I know that these things expire. I took this ferry regularly years ago but I am certain this expiration thing is new

Today, getting onto the ferry, I had my ticket rejected I have no idea why they would expire and of course nobody at NY waterways could give you any explanation either.

Righetti Why would this expire, I paid $10.25 for this ticket just a few weeks ago?

NY waterways employee. Why not?

Righetti. Because it doesn't make any sense. My bus tickets don't expire.

NY waterways employee. Well milk does

Righetti. That makes no sense, milk spoils. this ticket is exactly the same as if I bought it. The price is the same, I didn't get a discount

NY waterways. It says so on the ticket

Righetti. But how would I have know that before I bought the ticket. There is no sign

NY waterways. Well that is the rule

Righetti. So how do you justify this?

NY Waterways. Yes I understand

Righetti. You understand what? Why am I being screwed out of a perfectly good ticket?

NY waterways. Well eggs expire

Righetti. I don't think you understand.

NY waterways. Yogurt expires

Righetti. But this isn't a dairy product. It is a ticket for a ferry

NY waterways. Of course

Righetti. So why does it?

NY waterways. How about your metro card, it has an expiration date

Righetti. Yes, but you don't lose the funds, if you have $5 on the expired card it gets transferred to your new one

NY waterways. Yes exactly

Righetti. I don't think you understand

NY waterways. Yes

Righetti. I am going to miss my ferry, how can you resolve this

NY waterways. I can tell you that it is expired

Righetti Can I exchange it?

NY waterways. No

Righetti. Why not?

NY waterways. Because it is expired it says so on the ticket

Righetti. Yes I realize that but how would I have know that before i bought it

NY waterways because it says so on the ticket

Righetti. Ugh

Take on the American Disabilities Act

My mother always told me not to laugh at kids with disabilities whether they were in wheelchairs, had vision problems or were Mets fans and I have fought my entire life for their rights. Ok, to be honest I have not fought for their rights but I do believe they should be afforded every opportunity, treated fairly and some accommodations given to knock down some barricades. The problem is that so often the American Disabilities Act is misdirected and undo burden is put onto both private and public life

My sister's NYC school had to renovate all their bathrooms to accommodate wheelchairs which is a great thing, except she is in a four story walk up building, including the front steps...can somebody explain this?

So if that is not a prime example of tone-death action to broad legislation, let me give you another one

I am getting more than a little annoyed by all these low urinals I see everywhere. I am a 6'2" which means that every renovated bathroom has a urinal that starts at my knees. So now I am pissing down in a troth which leads to all kinds of additional back splash which means my pants a knee level are covered in piss.

If I had a garden hose like some of my more well endowed buddies (private message me if you want their numbers ladies) then this might not be a major issue but I am a very average white dude in every respect.

The issue is that just this week I was made aware that these vertically challenged toilets are now so low that people are literally pissing on the top of them, right where the fucking handle is. I don't even think this is the kind of thing you have to blame Yao Ming for as they are made for a ridiculous low level. Take some 6'5" dude who is hung like a small child and you can have this issue, although it doesn't excuse the foul behavior

I really hate people.

Take on Jeb!

Jeb Bush spent $36million dollars in New Hampshire and all he got for his troubles was a 4th place and was once again shown up by the Big Bully when Trump trumped his speech by jumping in exactly 39 seconds after Jeb! started which meant that every news channel flipped to Trump's speech leaving poor Jeb! to beg for applause.

But what is more amazing is how inept Jeb! has been at campaigning, the only thin more amazing is how masterful he has been in fundraising.

Jeb spent $1150 per vote he received in the Granite State..that is absolutely nuts, he would have been better off directly giving people money, I bet $500 per vote could have gotten him at least the same results he got.

For a point of reference, Cruz spent only $18 per vote and spent about 5 minutes in New Hampshire, Trump spent $40 per vote which isn't a fair comparison because he gets so much free air-time and publicity but even the other "establishment" candidates spent significantly less than Jeb!!

Here is the rundown
Jeb! $1150 per vote
Christie. $850 per vote
Rubibot. $425 per vote
Kasich. $225 per vote
Fiorina. $100 per vote
Carson. $75 per vote
Trump. $40 per vote
Cruz. $18 per vote
Gilmore. Undefined value, does not compute

Take on the Koch brothers' Rubibot

We have been saying for months that Rubio is a robot sent from the Koch headquarters to win the election and allow them to control the course of the United States for the next decade.   Rubibot is perfect, he has the pedigree, the good looks, the beautiful family, the hot wife, the immigrant story (but not too immigrant-y), the meteoric rise through Florida politics, the mentor (Jeb!) who he has surpassed but as the election wore on the programmers have had their continued issue coming up with enough.  For all the A.I. they tired to program into the Rubibot, they just can't add enough memory, so every night back at the Koch-cave they have to remove some and add some new ones the problem is that  Rubibot cannot return to the Koch-cave every night as he is campaigning in Iowa or New Hampshire, so there are days he has to run on auto-pilot and with the 24/7 media cycle (and a fat man from NJ) he has been exposed.  

Early on he would answer every question with "my father was a janitor and my mother was a maid". Then he went to "Hillary Rodham Clinton in completely disqualified for being president of the United States of America" and now he does the "let's dispel the myth that Barack Obama does not know what he is doing, he knows exactly what he is doing"

The last line is one they programmed specifically to help Rubibot overcome his one main deficiency, his own lack of experience.   By spewing that Obama, with very little experience, was able to shape policy, it implies that Rubibot another first term senator with very little in terms of pushed legislation, too can shape policy. 

There are only a few people aware of the Rubibot and the Koch laboratories, but TOR has been working hard to expose it for you. 

The only way you would know, other than opening up the latch in his back, are those big ears which are the transistors.  His only downfall is that every once in a while Rubibot becomes over heated and he needs to add water and it becomes like a crisis level ticking time bomb.  When he cannot immediately cool down his processors he falls into a endless computer loop.  

He is a walking Small Wonder

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the free burrito

Sometimes a free burrito is kind of like not getting a free burrito. I got an email today saying that if I waned a free burrito that I had to text RainCheck to some random number. With the e.coli outbreak ravaging the store, they figured that they should give you a stomach ache tomorrow for giving you a stomach ache last month. I sent off the text but then decided that I was about as interested in an E coli Chipotle burrito as I would be in licking the urinal inside the men's room of a Chipotle

Take on the GOP debate

The last time we checked in the GOP field was about 30% bigger but after Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum and Rand Paul all dropped out of a race they never had a chance in, we finally got a bit more clarity.  As we saw from the Dems, less is more in these cases and the quicker you can get down to two, the better. 

Quick review

Rubio-

Ground Control to Major Tom

Somebody forgot to update the software on the Koch Brother Rubio robot because there was a point where you were half expecting his campaign manager to walk up on stage to press alt-ctl-delete because he was stuck in an endless loop

This debate will be about what Marco lost more than what anybody else gained but make no mistakes this was a Poland Spring cringe worthy moment and shows that Rubio has no ability to think on his feet

Christie

For the second debate in a row Big Chris showed the world what kind of great debater (and bully) he really is.  He is not presidential but when it comes to a format like this, he shines.  Although the visual of him sitting in his tidy whities chugging Bud Lites and eating an entire large pie while the NJ congress shuts down the government is not a visual I need. 

Jeb!-

Please clap

Kasich-

Somebody better tell John that the combination of being smart, experienced and positive is a losing combination.   Maybe you didn't get the message, we want somebody to tell us how crappy the country is, how much brown people will kill the American Dream, how much Jesus of Nazareth would hate Jesus of Tijuana, how Obama sucks and have it all be spewed in 20 second soundbites.    And please get that twitch under control, you look like you are mixing a milkshake up on stage.  

Carson-

Glad to see you got new clothes, now go home 

Cruz-

It was pretty telling when at the end of the debate all the candidates had their families come up and hug their husbands and fathers and Heidi Cruz decided to stay in be audience. For all the talk about his uncompromising morality, he is a disgusting snake.  The Iowa things with Carson was W in South Carolina bad. 

Trump-

The reason Trump underperformed in Iowa is because the caucus system forces you to stand up in public and fight for your guy.   Trump appeals to people and they will admit it in anonymous polls but I have to think that when you get in front of your peers people get stage fright because it's like admitting to your neighbors, business associates and fellow PTA members that you're voting for Kim Kardashian

But in New Hampshire we go to a normal anonymous primary and that could work in his favor.  What is scary is that he's actually gotten better at this thing over time and I still think he takes New Hampshire big and then takes that momentum to South Carolina and Nevada   He commands the stage and his rivals are so afraid of him that they won't ever engage him.  Jeb! tried but it was about six months too late which is the story of his life.  Anyway, nobody else will take Trump to task, maybe they all expect him to implode but we all know by now that this just isn't happening and all we can count on now is that primary voters can't be that stupid, can they?

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Period-proof underwear ads

Anybody notice the new period-proof underwear ads on the subways this month? I get that this is probably areal issue but I'm not sure anybody needs to be confronted with this on a Tuesday at 7:30am right after I had an egg and cheese with ketchup.

But that is not the worst of it because as much as I am not ready to be confronted with this at 7:30am myself, I am definitely not ready to explain it to my six year old and we all know they will immediately ask you when they read that sign. It's like all those viagra commercials during every NFL game with a guy throwing the football through the tire swing as the sun sets over his farm. She has asked me to explain that one already and I had to come up with some crap about the guy having hurt his shoulder and now able to throw a spiral again with the help of that pill.
Whatever happened to the kind of wholesome Marlboro and Joe Kook ads of my youth??