Tuesday, December 31, 2013
finally getting around to watching -and loving- Breaking Bad. It's
not just the fact that Walter White bears a drinking resemblance
physically, not to mention intellectually and emotionally to somebody
I know quite well. It's the rapport between student and teacher, the
complications of a major disease and how it affects a household, the
intrigue of a drug trade which seems, at it's core, to be one that is
all science and of course the great dialogue
But halfway through season 4, what has bothered me most, other than
that ridiculous plane crash, is the fact that Skyler has put on about
30 pounds in, what is supposed to have been, one continuous day
between the two seasons.
Just look at the screen shot, which has to be one of the most
disturbing ones of all time, with a pale pimples assed chemistry
teacher standing in front of a chick who looks like she ate a bunsen
burner. Add to that the haircut which adds another 10 pounds and you
wonder how Vince Gilligan, who has an eye for detail, ever let her on
screen as it broke all continuity of what was supposed to be the same
day as the end of season three.
It's incredible how much hotter she was the second she uttered IFT and
how much less attractive she is when she just uttered
Monday, December 30, 2013
to give the kid the experience of hell on earth. They caught a
movie, had some Stone Cold Creamery and checked out the characters
willing to have their photos taken for a mere $5. What they didn't
realize was that unlike Disney World, the Times Square characters have
no issue coming out of costume. I realize the guys working down in
Anaheim or Orlando are no angels but the fear of Disney still hangs
over their heads which is very different than the ones who are working
as freelancers in NYC. Having worked a block from there, I have seen
plenty of dudes pick their masks off to smoke cigarettes, pick their
teeth or do lines of coke off of Minnie's ass, so nothing they do now
surprises me much. But, I have to think that it could be a bit
traumatizing for a 5 year old to see Cinderella on her knees giving
some dude a hummer, seeing Winnie the Pooh cursing out a competitor or
catching Super Mario adjust his junk.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
build-a-dollhouse kits? There are hundreds of parts, handfuls of
screws and instructions which may as well be in Spanish and are the
size of a phone book. Years ago they would throw all those screws and
bolts into a bag but now try came up with this genius concept of
putting them in this marked box thing with each screw or Allen wrench
bolt in it's own compartment behind plastic. If you have ever gotten
a box like this, you know that you have to turn the thing around an
open up each compartment which seems smart until you realize that you
have to turn it back over to see which item is which, meaning all the
acres from a particular section are now all laying mixed on the table.
Why they don't just mark then on both the plastic compartment side and
also on the back cardboard side is beyond me
Saturday, December 28, 2013
I walked out of the house today like a man who just doesn't care
anymore. Unshaven, not showered, hair unkempt, teeth in rushed,
wearing pajama pants, an old snowboarding jacket and snow boots. Not
because I was hoping to have a blizzard nightmare, but because as a
father of soon to be three who drives a minivan and spends his entire
waking life trying to figure out how to spend less money and throw
away more junk, I am done. I have officially become the prototypical
suburban dad with too little sleep, too much waistline and too many
I spend my weekends shuttling between gymnastics, tumbling, Trader
Joes and Target and find the odd minute of solitude when I try to
catch up on old episodes of Breaking Bad, which, by the way, is the
main reason I fear getting cancer cause I would start cooking meth the
second I felt a lump. The again, I don't know how to cook meth, so
I'd have to find something dangerous to do. Maybe I'd just do a lot
of jaywalking and not recycling.
Friday, December 27, 2013
trashy, sensationalistic and biased but you cannot deny they are
funny. The latest greatest was the picture of Client #9 getting out
of his car with his new fling, a few days after it was announced that
he was separating from his wife.
Mrs. Spitzer stood by her man through thick and thin, through triumphs
and through disgrace, through successful political campaigns to an
epic downfall and, of course, through countless hookers.
I thought it was odd that they announces they were separating a few
days before Christmas, not so much for the timing but much like when a
random old celebrity dies, I often think "I thought he was dead
Anyway, the Post decided that there had been enough mourning for a
failed marriage and captured Spitzer walking into his girlfriend's
parents' house with an absolutely great headline
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
rushed kids on Christmas morning, I felt that a trip to Starbucks for
a large Pike Place Roast was well deserved. First of all, finding a
Starbucks open on Christmas morning is impossible, especially in the
suburbs but when I finally found one, it had a drive-through line
wrapped around the building.
I finally get up to the window after neatly a 20 minute wait and am
told that the guy ahead of me paid for my coffee, which seemed like a
very nice gesture on this Christmas morning. What I didn't quite
realize was that this was now expected of me for the next guy as the
barista dude asks if I would like to reciprocate which I felt pressure
to do. Problem was that the guy behind me had some kind of calorie
death-wish cause he ordered two large pumpkin spice lattes with whip
cream and butter and sugar, both coming in at like 500 calories.
Usually this would only annoy me as I don't like to contribute to
gluttony but what really annoyed me was when I got his bill $9.45
which I now had a peer pressure obligation to pay
So I shelled out almost $10 for a large coffee, even for Starbucks
standards that is ridiculous
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Christmas" email forward from some random acquaintance? I get some
email today and notice immediately that the guy who sent if included
everybody on the to: line. Let's leave the fact that this incredibly
tacky and terribly unprofessional aside and focus on the fact that
it's also incredibly cheesy for a grown Asian man to send everybody in
his Rolodex a lame message with a picture of a burning fire.
I need to discuss this with President Obama the next time I see him
but it seems to me that all random distribution lists, should have one
of those unsubscribe buttons on the bottom. Either that or, at
minimum, you should be allowed to kick the offender in the groin.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
from 7th avenue all the way to 8th. People were camped out with
chairs, blankets, hot chocolate and tents like they were on line for
free money, so of course TOR had to investigate. Apparently, the new
AirJordan's came our this week which seemed like a good reason for
thousands of people to stand in the freezing cold to the right to be
the first idiot to drop almost $200 for a pair of sneakers.
I will never understand the desire to want to be the first to own
anything so badly that I'd camp out overnight to spend my money to buy
it. You can walk up two days later, spend the same money and not have
wasted a night of your life with a bunch of similar idiots. I may
make an exception for a once in a lifetime concert or a sporting event
but to stand in line to buy sneakers seems beyond idiotic.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, December 20, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
You gotta love Joe Biden.. Forget his politics, his tooth caps, his hair plugs, his gaffes or his irresistible charm.. What is the best about him is that unlike his boss, captain boring, Joe looks like the kind of guy you'd like to go drinking with. He's might not give you as many good stories as GW Bush if he'd ever tell you about the old cocaine and drunk driving days back in Texas and unlike Bill Clinton you probably won't find Joe banging the snot out of some fat chick in the bathroom but he does seem like a down to earth kind of guy..
I love the picture that's been circulating with Busy Hands Biden groping an intern who just happens to be unlucky enough to stand with her ass pressed against his pecker.
So Joe, you'll never be president, you'll probably be completely forgotten when Obama leaves our lives in three years but you'll never be forgotten at the local watering holes in Georgetown..and that's the way we like it
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
splurge, a trim at Jean Claude Van Haircuts. I can't say that the
overall experience was much different than previous engagements other
than a Russian chick with leather pants two sizes to small, I got a
dude who looked like Vizzini which is kind of like getting a food
recommendation from a guy who eats a dirty gyro from the grease trucks
Well this dude tugged, yanked and ripped on my hair for 15 minutes
like I was a chick into sadomasocism and then have me a slew of
instructions of how to have my head look like unjust left a salon when
I get out of the shower. This list must have been 20 pages long with
conditioners, gels and other treatment. So, here is to hoping that
it doesn't look like a mental patient tomorrow morning
Sunday, December 15, 2013
always right of center and very often far right of center. I get the
appeal to of personal responsibility and self reliance but if there is
one group of people who benefit from a large social safety-net, it
would be the people on disability. Between the SSD handouts, the
Americans with Disabilities act and the best parking spots -all
things they need and deserve- they get their share
I am just not sure where the anti-government mentality stems from but
talk to anybody who has a disability and they will complain more about
taxes than anybody, even if they pay very little of them and also
likely get regular payouts from Social Security Disability. I am all
for lowering my taxes but it will mean major cuts in services and Mr.
Ford Escapes monthly had out might be first in line.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
people who walk around with those ridiculous golf umbrellas during a
little rain or snow storm. I get that you don't want to get your
precious shoes wet but you also realize that you are up using a lot
more real-estate than you can afford. I've started to stand under the
back of the umbrella whenever some idiot decides to take out his
store-front awning, if you feel like you need to take up 9 square feet
of floor space, the least you could do is pass on your dryness for
your fellow commuters
Friday, December 13, 2013
reading they provide at the higher end restaurants. In China there
are no flat screen showing sporting event hanging over the urinal but
instead ads which I can only imagine are aimed at dudes, it's sort of
like those subway ads for Dr Zizmor or some terrible tech college
nobody will ever attend except these are designed to reach a more
targeted audience; Rich Chinese dudes who have issues with their junk.
What makes them so great is that they have these incredibly clear
visuals showing a sad banana or a leaking faucet and as I can't read a
word of Chinese, so part of the way I kill time is trying to decipher
what they mean
I am sure the leaky faucet is about not being able to hold your stream.
But I am still trying to figure out the banana one.l but one thing is
for sure, whatever the issue the overly exited Chinese doctor cartoon
can help you with it.
My best guess is that is is about impotence but looking at it more
closely it could be an ad to fix unit stink. This might explain those
weird halos surrounding the banana and the overly excited Chinese
doctor character. Then again, this could be an ad for a brothel which
may explain the need to clean up a stinky unit or for all I know it
might actually be an ad for a plumber who sells bananas.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
A buddy mentioned to me the other day how American Icon Dean Martin snuck one past the American censors for a half a century with his rendition of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He swears that at the end of the song, Martin, who appears to be completely sloshed, sneaks in a Rudolph the Red Dicked Reindeer right as the song cuts off. Of course, this is the kind of thing that the high-paid reporters at TOR take very seriously, so we've gone on the hunt listing to every rendition of that classic. First of all, the Rat Pack in the early 60's were as big as it got and it would be no surprise to anybody that there wouldn't be anybody who could have stopped Martin from doing what he wanted to do. Secondly, with the way technology worked back then, it could easily have gotten past somebody and now has been playing on radio stations in heavy rotation for 50 years.
We put on some high-fidelity earphones and searched YouTube and found a great version.
My buddy is 100% right about the fact that Martin is completely inebriated throughout the song as he ad libs his way through much of it and is slurring his words from the first verse on. The YouTube version I have has a cartoon playing over it but it's not hard to imagine old Dino playing a little grab-ass with the girls in the background chorus singing the bridge about half way through the song. You can tell he's going to go off the deep end when he starts referring to the lovable Rudolph as Rudy like he's an old drinking buddy and if you listen closely it does sound like scotch glasses are clinking in the background. It gets a bit more bizarre even before the final fateful verse, as Martin goes into this crazy German accent with the line "Rudolf wiz your nose zo bright, won't zhou guide mine sliigh zoonigt." He recorded this song in 1959, so the scars of WWII were probably just receding a bit, yet he seems to poke a bit of fun at the Krauts on the other side of the pond. You'd think that was the ultimate move until he goes into the final line in question and it does appear that Dino sneaks in a Rudolph the Red Deeked reindeer like a drunk dude tries to sneak one in the five hole of his equally drunk girlfriend
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
When I was a kid and would get sick on a school day, my parents would call the school to tell them I was sick and then I'd sit plopped in front of the TV where I'd marathon watch a combination of I love Lucy, The Price is Right, Let's make a Deal, The Jefferson's, All in the Family and Mama's Family. All those shows are ones I remember fondly and some of them are ones that I consider my favorites of all time but I was convinced that the lead character on Mama's family was actually a dude in drag. There was nothing that screamed Adam's apple and hairy legs more than this 'chick'.
It wasn't until many years later that I realized that the Mama character was played by Vicki Lawrence and not a Robin Williams wannabe.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
A friend of mine has been telling me about all the virtues of peeing while sitting. I get where he's going with most of his arguments which revolve around it just being more clean as there is minimal back-splash and I've been known to partake in when I'm in my own home.
I do this for no other reason than so that I can give myself legs a few minutes off. There is also the beauty of not forming a puddle of piss right outside your bowl which, when you have a couple of young kids, is the only sanitary thing to do but really the reason I like sitting when I pee is that I'm always checking my phone when I get into the pisser and right as I'm about to cut off the stream, I have this crazy chill that runs right up my spine, leading to a quick shiver which would usually mean I splatter all over the toilet roll, back of the seat and the walls.
But my real fear is that this shiver will be a bit more severe than expected and I drop my cell-phone into the bowl
Monday, December 9, 2013
bike helmet when I ride the Citibike through the streets of NY
claiming it was one of the least cool things anybody over the age of
nine could ever do.
First of all, I am fully aware that I am not cool. At this point of my
life I am the furthest thing from cool. Within a few months I will be
a father of three driving a minivan to my 2700 square foot house in
the suburbs, so I have no pretense of cool. Cool left when I stopped
going to jazz bars listing to a funk band until 2am every Wednesday,
cool left when I stopped going to happy hour and instead started
racing a citibike to catch the earlier bus home to see my kids, cool
left when wearing sneakers to work went from a casual Friday to a
necessity because of the sleet.
The second reason his argument means nothing is because riding a bike
in midtown manhattan is actually a bit dangerous and I really don't
want to have a broken skull. Between the cabbies, swinging open car
doors, poorly marked (and often completely ignored) dedicated bike
lanes and millions of pedestrians, it is a miracle I am still in one
piece. So, if looking like a dork costs me a brain injury, that is a
cost I am willing to absorb. Now that I think of it, at this point, I
may get one of those reflective vests to wear when I ride
Sunday, December 8, 2013
and sunshine, they deliver a letter from California to your door for a
mere $0.39..uh, $0.42..or maybe $0.44 in a matter of days or weeks.
But where they really excel is in delivering fragile packages, like
the poster I got my kid for Christmas. It came in one of those
cardboard tubes designed for pictures and posters with a couple of
great big "fragile" and "do not bend" caution stickers on it, so all
should be secure, right?
I guess you know what happened when I opened up the tube.. The poster
now has a big ugly streak in the center and is all crumpled up in the
corner. But hey, if it had been sleeting they would have gotten me
the bent poster with a smile, right right around Christmas time
Saturday, December 7, 2013
politician or a newspaper, it always just looks like sour grapes.
There really isn't a more desperate group than people who spend their
time and energy openly throwing insults at people who don't even
realize they are alive. Once you begin heckling, it doesn't matter if
your argument has merit, you just look like a tool
I just noticed a huge sign hanging on the corner of 40th and 8th
staring right at the New York Times building, chastising the paper for
now having covering the apparent 9/11 coverup. This gets me to the
second most desperate group of people: conspiracy theorist
It's been 12 years since that Tuesday in September and people are
still on this 9/11 was an inside job thing?? You have to be kidding
me, do people really have nothing better to do than spend tens of
thousands of dollars hanging signs up and throwing pies at people?
And if you are going to spend god time and effort on something, at
least don't be an activist for some recycled conspiracy.
Friday, December 6, 2013
ridiculous when you are the entire world fain incredible heartache
when a celebrity passes away. I haven't seen a single Fast and
Furious movie although I have nothing against Paul Walker, Vin Diesel
(who has a great gay porn name), The Rock or any of those pretty
skinny white kids they hang with. What does bother me is how upset
the fan-base is with his death, all of which seems completely
disingenuous. People who have never met him have said they feel
personally connected with his loss like he was some kind of saint.
I see stories of how nice he was to some fan or how he spent time
talking to some kid who wanted his autograph but this celebrity bull
shows you nothing about who a guy like this really was. Maybe he was
a good dude and maybe not but to have me all to walk news coverage on
this is pretty disgusting. Yeah, he may have made cool movies and now
he won't be in any more but a dude who you don't know driving 1000
miles per hour in some supped up Porsche who wraps himself around a
tree isn't all that tragic, sorry.
It all comes down to the fact that he was a good looking dude and
Hollywood and the left leaning media loves that type. You just know
that if a guy like Jason Biggs, who is another actor from a successful
movie franchise, died similarly, nobody would give a crap.
But even that isn't what bothers me. What does is the fact we
lionize a guy like this when really he was acting like a total idiot
but nobody takes him to task for that. I know he wasn't the driver
but he knew exactly what kind of thrill ride he was getting into, so
he is as much to blame for this kind of idiotic behavior as anybody.
These two could have easily ran over a couple of kids while drag
racing, destroying the lives of innocent people, because they had a
need for speed yet nobody mentions that. The media is too wrapped up
into the legacy some pretty boy actor left behind to realize his
behavior could have killed more than just the two who made the
decision to put their lives in danger
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Today, Dutch people defend Zwarte Piet as a fun child character and will claim that their faces are black because of the soot of the chimneys but I remember as a kid knowing that these were black people from Africa, ones we were very afraid of. Just look at the facial features and you know that these were supposed to be African people, regardless of what they tell you today, I know that the Zwarte Piets of my youth all had big red lips, curly hair and tons of jewelry, they almost looked like circus clowns. And regardless of what they tell you, the imagery of an old white guy dressed like a plantation owner with thousands of dark skinned 'helpers' coming onto shore is something that no Dutch person should ever forget.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
of anyplace I am hurrying for something, maybe to yet to work, maybe
to get home, maybe I'm hurrying just to hurry but somehow the lazy
masses out there have nowhere to go, ever. This is what is wrong
with America because they walk down the streets on a Wednesday like
they are going for a Sunday stroll. I'm not talking about the tourists
who are sidewalk nightmares in their own right but at least they have
an excuse (plus they are usually 500 pounds of muscle-less blubber).
It might be time to add a fast-land to the sidewalks of NYC
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
I caught this car the other day, I couldn't help myself. Parked on
an unassuming block in front of an unassuming house was an Escalade
with the words "Jesus Life Church" in huge block letters across the
back window. Now, I am by no means a Jesus aficionado but something
tells me that a dude who is came from and preached about being humble
would not exactly approve of this kind of extravagance. That is not
to say that JC may not have enjoyed getting chauffeured around but I
sort of doubt that when he spoke of helping the poor, being able to
drive over them without feeling as much as a speed bump was probably
not what he had in mind. For a church named after the Life of Jesus,
there seems to be some kind of message disconnect
Plus, these Church of Jesus folks were probably able to get some kind
of tax exemption.
Monday, December 2, 2013
the way people get books delivered in much the same way the Kindle
changed the way people got books delivered. I think we're all pretty
intrigued by this thought because it may finally mean we are getting
close to the flying cats, hovercrafts and robot housekeepers we have
been promised. I can't say that I'm quite ready for the future but
the fact I can travel to Asia for 10 days and only bring my IPad is
But the problem with these drones past the obvious issues like parking
spots, interference, crashes and scaring the living hell out of all
the grandmothers is that we may have hit an over-saturation point with
this instant gratification. Do we really need to have a battery
charger delivered to our door by a remote controlled airplane, or can
we possibly get off our lazy fat asses and maybe drive
or...gasp...walk to the local CVS to buy something you need
Although, to be fair, the Flintstones were a lot fatter than the
Jetsons, so maybe this technology will allow for more exercise in the
Sunday, December 1, 2013
giving topless haircuts, I had two thoughts.
- this chick probably could have charged a lot more than $45 if she
didn't look like Vin Diesel's fraternal twin. -side note, if there
isn't a better gay porn name than Vin Diesel please let me know/
- why the hell does a chick cutting hair really need a license? I am
all for making sure medicine is practiced with a license but cutting
hair?? I used to get my head shaved by a buddy sitting on a toilet
with my head hanging over a garbage can. This isn't rocket science
and the worst that could reasonably happen is a really bad haircut,
and I have gone to plenty of licensed hair stylists for that and they
were fully dressed