This past weekend with the GOP debate airing on network television returned me back 20 years when five or six times per year Vince McMahon would put on Saturday Night Main Event. The battles on Saturday night were epic, Trump vs Cruz, Cruz vs Rubio, Jeb! vs Trump and it was a complete bloodbath which can only be compared to the golden age of wrestling...
So with that in mind we out our favorite candidates into the WWF
Ronald Reagan- The Hulkster
Every kid in the 80's knew that there were two people looking out for them, who spoke about and for American virtue..Ronald Reagan and Hulk Hogan.. Both spoke about prayers yet neither ever made it into a church, both draped themselves in the flag to get their audience to believe and both were actors who proved to be phonies who played to their audience.
Ted Cruz- Bret Hart
Excellence in Execution has no better comparison in the senate than what Ted Cruz is doing today and we'll see him pull every string to make sure that Obama can't get anything done.. He was immensely popular amongst a certain fringe who believe that he is the best there is, the best there was and there best there ever will be when it comes to fighting for the constitution..
Oh yeah, that and he is a Canadian..
Trump- Ted DiBiase
Is convinced he can buy the WWF belt and even if he can't, he will buy his own better one. He is more interested in doing it his way than ever thinking he needs to work it through lime everybody else does because he is just that brash and that rich...which makes
Ben Carson –Virgil
Carson is worth so much more and early on he could have been Rick Steamboat or something but lately he is just sucking up to Donald that this is really all that is left of him
Rick Perry- Hacksaw Jim Dugan
Kind of like the Hulkster expect dumb as a 2x4, draped in the American Flag although you're not sure he isn't wiping his ass with it when he's not in public view..
Chris Christie -George the Animal Steele
People will tell you that George Steele was a Harvard professor but all you knew about him was he was a walking talking Cookie Monster
Mike Huckabee – The Honky Tonk Man
The Honky Tonk Man never had realistic aspirations past the intercontinental title, like Mikey Huck never had any real hope for president but embraced the roll like nobody else ever could..
George W. Bush- Macho Man
The Son of a Wrestler who everybody hoped for greatness. Nobody expected Macho Man to win the title in Wrestemania IV but the most unlikely combination happened and he won what was supposed to be the next great champion. Problem is that he listed to too many people who never had himself, or the WWE's interest at heart and everybody suffered because of it. When he spoke, you kind of cringed and you never felt his relationship with Miss Elizabeth-Condi, was all that clean.. That plus there are a million not so quite whispers that the Macho Man was high-as-a-kite for his entire reign. Which makes
Jeb! – Leaping Lanny Poffo
The much less energetic, much less fun brother of Macho Man.. later became known as the Genius! which is about as laughable as calling Jeb! one.
George H Bush- Angelo Poffo
A noted wrestler in the the 60's and 70's who spawned a couple of wrestlers and carried his carpet-bagger title proudly..
Obama- The Iron Sheik..
no comment needed
Bernie Sanders- Nikolai Volkoff
No comment necessary
Hillary Clinton- Linda McMahon
Wife of the guy in charge but we all know who wears the pants, because the guy on top really can't keep his pants on..
Rand- Kurt Angle
There has never been a better technical wrestler than Kurt Angle, even if he did it with almost no flare or excitement.. The guy was boring as a personality because he took himself way too seriously and refused to come down to anything entertaining.. Smug as all hell but nobody would ever accuse him of selling out.
Rubio- Ricky Steamboat
One of the more talented guy on the roster but always doomed to be the second fiddle because he just had no real personality.. Maybe America just wasn't quite ready for him or maybe the idiots that pay $45 to sit in the nosebleeds don't know any better anyway..
Peyton Manning- Jake the Snake
Loves throwing his snake on some unsuspecting person's face
Lindsay Graham- Greg the Hammer Valentine.
Like The Hammer, there are tons of rumors out there implying that Greg likes to get his hammer polished in the sauna at the New York's Sports Club
Howard Finkel- Bill O'Reily
Jim Powers and Paul Roma.. Pataki and Jindal.. just a couple of goobers needed to keep the undercard going
special thank you to local WWF historian Zed Frank for the help with this post