Saturday, December 31, 2016

Take on new Toys for Tots idea

Every year our office building, a couple of weeks before Christmas put out a huge toys for tots box. They ask for unopened toys for underprivileged kids which sound like, and probably is, a great cause. By the end of the drive the box is pretty full and somebody takes it and hopefully delivers it to a bunch of needy kids in housing complexes or homeless shelters but I was thinking of how this entire thing could be 100x bigger..if they put that same box out right after Christmas, they'd need three pickups per day. My kids get so much useless crap for the holidays, it is just insane. Most of it isn't nice and definitely isn't necessary but people feel this need to give crap to other peoples kids
Luckily we have a mutual disarmament agreement with our closest friends, which wasn't always this way but still between family, random friends and neighbors and a bunch of other people, the vast amount of garbage we get is just ludicrous. We have one family member who will remain nameless who basically dropped and entire Toys R Us aisle onto the laps of my kids. Board games they'll never play, puzzles they'll never open, coloring books that won't ever get used along with boxes of crappy Chinese made plastic toys which now defines American un-exceptionalism.
I took every one of these unopened and dump them onto the stoop of GoodWill because poor kids need crappy battery draining, lead paint covered, poorly constructed plastic toys, too.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Take on chubby Kim Jong Un

A new report claimed that Kim Jong Un has already ordered the death of 340 people since his reign started. This isn't exactly surprising since Kim has done nothing if not act completely maniacal but what is less surprising is that Kim looks like he has easily out on 100 pounds since he got into the position and he was a tub of lard then. There really is no less attractive look than a Korean man who looks like Mike Francesca.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Take on the giant cock

Some little city in China (and by little city it probably has 5 million people) erected a gigantic statue of a Donald Trump themed chicken in their shopping mall and the Chinese are going crazy.  You'd think that with all the derogatory remarks that he made throughout the campaign and through the transition including some diplomatic missteps that the average Chinese guy wouldn't be all that fond of a huge Trump in their own backyard but here you have this huge statue of a Trump cock with thousands of Chinese people standing in front of it taking selfies, kind of reminds you of those Chinese tourists taking photos with that Wall Street Bull's testicles.

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Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Take on the Bombogenesis

Forget El NiƱo or The Polar Vortex, this week we're going to be facing a much tougher for when the Bombogenesis arrives. I have no idea what the hell this thing is but somehow meteorologist are saying it's a real thing (and that thing that sounds like the nickname of some fat high school football player is its actual name.  From what I have read, a Bombogenesis is when the barometer drops 24 somethings in 24 hours which sounds really bad, I think

Although considering this is only supposed to hit New England maybe @spillo had it best 

Sam Lillo (@splillo)
@wxjay @OUWXDoc @millennialmitch we can drop all terminology and just agree the storm "gets wicked strong wicked fast"

Anyway, I'm sure the supermarket shelves will be empty, the gas station lines will be endless and the polar exposure will be overrated but I guess a week after Christmas we have to look forward to something.

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Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Take on a rough year

2016 is a few days from being done but it has to be remembered as one of the worst ones for celebrity deaths. The musicians alone are legends, you add to that the greatest boxer, Princess Leia, Gene Wilder and the guy who played R2D2 and it's really been a rough one. You had TV parents Alan Thicke and Florence Henderson

Although I find it a bit disappointing to include people like Zsa Zsa Gabor or that weird looking guy who married Liza Minnelli.

A few we thought were dead already like Abe Vigoda and Gordie How. A few of them were just old like Nancy Reagan, Arnold Palmer and John Glenn and even that old guy from the McLaughlin report but a few of them were actually really young like Jose Fernandez and the girl from the Voice

The issue is that it will only get worse next year as all these baby boomer celebs hit their mid to late sixties, it's inevitable for a bunch more to croak. Plus we are more celebrity obsessed now than ever before, so in fifty years when a bunch of the fat chicks from Housewives in Atlanta or some Kardashian brother kicks the bucket they will have to remembered by somebody

Monday, December 26, 2016

Take on the LED headlights

The most dangerous thing on the road might not be teenagers, distracted drivers or black ice, the most dangerous thing might be those LED headlights that are all the rage. I swear that when a car with LED's comes around a corner, I feel like somebody took a laser to my eyes balls. I'm sure that there are some studies that Big lightbulb had to run to prove to the highest commission that these things are safe but I bet that they hurried the real research like the NFL did with concussions and Philip Morris did with lung cancer. In twenty years they'll see the uptick of highway deaths and it can all be blamed for those energy saving devils.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Take on Christmas

Christmas is different for everybody, for some people it's a chance to get together with family, for others it's a chance to reflect on the year and for others it's an arms race. Forget Putin, our county is under assault from drones dropping crappy Chinese plastic toys upon our kids. We won't ever get from underneath the oppression of the great Asian beast if we can't get off of our dependency on shitty toys and nothing shows that more clearly than our Christmas tree. Between us, our families, extended families, random neighbors and friends, the amount of crap we get would make a small village in south east Asia or Africa cry, it's an assault of the senses, it's an attack on morality through charge cards and gift cards and it is the reason I hate Christmas like a pack of horny dogs.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Take on the new nuclear arms race

The fear is that when Trump goes nuclear, he goes completely nuclear and we're all less safe because of it.   Our president elect, has vowed to greatly expand our nuclear capacity and has shown more than just willingness to engage in another arms race which sounds about as sensible as electing him as president.  I can't believe that in 2016, we have an incoming administration more likely to start a nuclear holocaust than in anytime in the last fifty years.  I would say that Trump is more than just a few catch phrases although his top ones (Build the Wall and Drain the Swamp) seem to have been scrubbed from his official vernacular.
I am sure that with the grace of god, he won't do so much damage to our country and this world that we can't recover but he certainly will give it his best shot. 
He is a complete child, one who has no ability to not go into a complete rage at every perceived slight.  I guess the fact that he seems to be exchanging pleasantries with Putin is actually a good thing because of Putin provokes him, we're all so screwed 

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Friday, December 23, 2016

Take on the rude JetBlue passengers

Some NYC doctor and his husband we're thrown off a JetBlue flight for harassing Ivanka Trump and he works is now on its head. First of all, why he hell is Ivanka sitting in the middle seat on a commercial airline closer to the bathrooms than to the front door?? I'm just a businessman and I wouldn't be caught dead in those seats, unless I was flying last minute and certainly not if I was the heir to a billionaire

But this is just as much about every single jackass who feels it's their right to mouth off. Just shut your hole, eat the free peanuts and watch an episode of Flip of a Flop while you fly to Portland l. You are just delaying the flights for the rest of us

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Take on the gold plated TrumpPhone

What do you get for the girl who has everything? Forget diamond or pearls or a thong and nipple clamps, what they. We'd this Christmas is their phone belonged to the nines and nothing gets you to three upside down nines quicker than a Donald Trump themed gold iPhone. Some store decided that this has to be the next great accessory as it just feels cheesy and rich. The only thing they need now is a couple of brand ambassadors, Kim K is a bit busy with her own blinged out phone, I think Taylor Swift is a Hillary chick and the Duck Dynasty guys probably use walkie talkies, Scott Baio would look weird with a gold phone, Stephen Baldwin is a possibility but not sure he can afford it and Ted Nugent is too much of a man's man to have this in his purse

So I guess it's up to Kanye to make the iPhone great again

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Take on the Bolton 'stache

Trump told us he would hire the best people but apparently the Washington Post has found out that by best, he means best looking. Everybody knows that Trump is vain and weird and obsessed with looks but nobody assumed it would carry over to people he would hire. Apparently, John Bolton was disqualified in Trump's eyes not. Excuse he is a maniacal psychopath but because he has that stupid Bed Flanders mustache. I can't say I'm unhappy with the snub but it is odd that the highest office in the land uses a guys looks to decide whether he should be out. Actions too diplomat.
Then again John Bolton does look kind of like the kind of guy who stands and the back of the subway platform and flashes random Asian women trying to head home to Queens

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Take on the South Carolina anti porn bill

Two lawmakers in South Carolina na have proposed a bill banning pornography on any device which will ensure one things...people will start getting VPN like they do in China when they want to watch a little Midnight rendezvous.
What is more disturbing is that they give you an opt-in, you can pay $20 to the state to disable the porn blocker which doesn't exactly make there entire "Sex Trafficking" initiative feel a little weak.
But most importantly, this will mean that I will never visit the state again

Monday, December 19, 2016

Take on the Trump security team

Reports surfaced on Monday night that the president elect was planning on keeping his own security staff around to protect him, a job which has always fallen upon the secret service. People have already bent themselves into pretzels trying to justify this but it really doesn't make sense and is probably quite dangerous. The logistics of a presidential visit is already a massive undertaking but if you add to that a team of a dozen private contractors l it becomes that much more impossible to manage. What happens when Trumps security detail and the secret service disagree on a threat to his safety, who gives? Does this become a standoff situation to see who blinks first. More importantly or telling, hiring a private security team sounds like the kind of thing that Gaddafi would have done

Although it would make for a good plot line for a ridiculous Arnold Schwarzenegger movie about a breach by a private contracted security team as an attempted overthrow of the government. The twist...although we all assume it originated with the contractors, the inside job actually came from the secret service.

Arnold could use the work

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Take on the Puppet

Puppet? No Puppet!!

Every time I turn around, Trump has added another pro Russian to his inner circle and every time he does, we're changing the geopolitical climate. First it was Manford, then Flynn and now with Tillerson, it couldn't be a more pro Russian government unless we brought back Boris Yeltsin, Gorbachev and Nikolai Volkoff. I also get that not having an adversarial relationship with the great sleeping bear is not a bad thing but in doing so it encourages and justifies their behavior in Aleppo and the Ukraine and the rest of that part of the world

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Take on Santa

With a seven year old in tow, it's becoming harder and harder to walk down the street and not feel like she's going to come to a major revaluation at any given point. I know that this is about the right age for her to come to that conclusion but I'm just not ready for it and I certainly don't need her finding out by seeing some four whiskey, cigarette dangling out of his mouth fat man dressed in a red suit to ruin it for her when he rips ass in the Shop Rite parking lot as he's getting into his CRV. Take the costume off when you are going to be a jerk

Friday, December 16, 2016

Take on the Ivanka Trump coffee date

Apparently the dumber (but slightly less sleazy)of the two Trump bros has been pimping it his sister for a cup of coffee for the highest bidder. We're not sure how TeflonDon or Mr. Kushner thinks about it but we're assuming they signed off on it.
But this is just how obvious it has become that The Trump administration is open for business and if you want to do business with The USA you better stay at a Trump property, get an overlooked burger at the Trump Grill or bid $70,000 to have a cup of coffee with Ivanka. I'm sure you assume she'll flash you more than just a smile but I seriously doubt it.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Take on Big Chris' book deal

Nobody is loathed in the state on New Jersey more than Chris Christie. The fat man shut down a bridge for political gain, spent the better part of his second term running for president and then helping TeflonDon win and now in some kind of backroom deal is working with NJ Lawmakers to give them raises in exchange for lifting a ban and letting him write a book while in office. This is the kind of leadership that Big Chris would have brought to the White House had he come anywhere close to it which luckily he hasn't because apparently Trump shut the doors so quickly you would have thought it was a Waffle House offering all you can eat pancakes when Christie walked up.
I know we're piling on but if this country wants to Drain the Swamp they should start with the biggest turd in a state famous for its Swamp.

Big Chris is as crooked as he is fat and I for one can't wait for them to roll this tub of lard out of office in a year

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Take on the bubble pack

Nothing irks me more as a person concerned about the environment than the amount of waste we get when getting things delivered. A Toys R Us package came yesterday and when it shows up I expected it to weigh thirty pounds because it was packed in a 15x15x15 box. I pick it up and find it weighs about as much as the empty version of the box may have. I fire there is probably a pillow inside but instead it's a little lego set wrapped around thirty miles of bubble wrap. I cannot imagine this is at all efficient and it certainly is not good for the environment because what the hell am I going to do with thirty miles of bubble wrap.
I thought about tossing it in the recycling bin except now my entire bin would be full. I could pop them all but probably wake up my kids in the process or I can take them to work to reuse it in our shipping department. I opt for the third option and o w here I sit on an hour and a half bus ride with a bag of bubble wrap on my lap which is about as uncomfortable as sleeping on a plastic bag.

Thanks a lot Toys R Us

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Take on Rex Ryan Tillerson

TeflonDon tapped Rex Tillerson as America's number one diplomat this morning which seems about a good an idea as putting Rex Ryan in charge of your football team.  

You may not think Rex Ryan should lead the Rams next year and I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure putting the CEO of one of the worlds latest companies who has ties and business interests that do not align with American diplomacy is a hot idea, either

I'm fine with putting business minded people in cabinet jobs, just don't think the SoS is one of those and certainly not with an oil man.  

The only question now is if Rex Ryan is a bigger sham as a defensive guru (Le'veon Bell has wet dreams about his vaunted defense) or if TeflonDon is a bigger one as POTUS

Problem is that one of them only ha to please a bunch of meatheads who body slam each other into burning wooden tables covered in Natty Ice cans while the other is the leader of the free world, but who's counting?

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Monday, December 12, 2016

Take on the cyber hackers

When a man proudly claims that he doesn't use a computer, you can't fault him for not knowing how the mechanics of one works. It certainly sounded like Trump thought that Hillary acidwashing her emails meant he stood in her bathroom pouring a bunch of bleach dumping it on her MacBook.
So you can't totally fault him for thinking that it's impossible to catch a hacker because you can only catch them in the act, as if there is I trail of clues. You can't fault him for not knowing it because nobody really knows how it's done but you can certainly fault him for spreading it out there
But the real question was why weren't we told about this earlier and I think it comes down to one thing...arrogance. Nobody in the big democratic empire ever imagined that Hillary would lose, so they wanted to look like they weren't getting down and dirty

Obama not wanting to look like he was meddling kept the information at bay. The CIA not wanting to look like they were comparing penis sizes with the FBI, kept their finding quiet.
I kind of doubt the Russians really had much of an impact but when the entire election hinges on a few hundred thousand votes in Wisconsin and Michigan and Pennsylvania, anything helps

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Take on the blow up Santa

I'm convinced that when you show up to WhiteTrash heaven there will be a 1992 Nissan Pulsar parked on the lawn surrounded by a bunch of Coors Lite cans, a hot-tub plugged into an outlet using one of those big orange extension cords, a bunch of huge blow up Santas spliced off of the same extension cord and a Trump/Pence sign to boot
Nothing brings property value down more quickly than tackiness and nothing exemplifies tackiness like those blow up Christmas decorations. They are like fake trees expect worse. They take no effort which should tell you they suck because nothing spells "I wear sweatpants to the mall" like a giant Rudolph crumpled into a pile of plastic crap at 8am when your automatic timer turns off

Do us all a favor and put a little effort into the holidays and spread a little holiday cheer without the entire place looking like BounceU!

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Take on the guy in his pajamas at 4am

I get that at some point, people just give up. How many times can they pretend that they see Rudolph in the distance, how many clever spots can they find to his the Elf of the Shelf and how many stocking stuffers can they come up with but that doesn't give them the right to look like a tool. Nothing is more doochy than showing up at a Christmas tree place than the guy who is dressed in his looks like green pajamas at 4pm. We get it dude, you're too cool for this thing and you want to show the world that you don't care but the rest of us want a little holiday spirit when we dropping $75 on a Douglas Fir that will last two weeks and spread pine needles like the girls at Rutgers spread the Clap.

So put your on a stupid Santa hat, drink some eggnog and go get a foot massage and a BJ from the foot massage place up the street

Ho Ho fucking Ho

Friday, December 9, 2016

Take on Rudy

On 9/12/01, there was no more popular man in the world than one Rudolph Giuliani. He showed courage, strength, resolve and leadership and the world watched in awe as he give us the confidence to rebuild. Yeah, his history with police brutality was a bit much, the fact he was on his way to his third wife while married to his second didn't sit real well and that lisp was annoying but he was our mayor, he was America's mayor and the world was his oyster
The problem was that he kept reading his own press clippings and thought that because people liked him as a mayor, they'd want him as more when really they didn't. Rudy is that weird uncle with the rotten breath who hugs his nieces a bit too long. When he's putting away bad guys or at minimum stopping them from trying to wash your windshield with a dirty newspaper, you love him. But when he wants to come for dinner and talk about himself you come up with an excuse why you are busy.

Well Donald came up with an excuse. Who knows what it was but it probably started here and ended there and went up down and around and at the end Rudy and Newt and Big Chris and Corey and Hope are all hanging out telling war stories of when Trump shoved Jeb! in his locker all fully aware that that locker could have easily had their name written on it...cause they all know it does

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Take on the Prudential ad

There is a big prudential billboard on 42nd street which you see as your bus crawls into the abyss that is Port Authority. You have plenty of time to stare at it because the traffic moves so slowly that you can literally see people walk fatale than your bus is traveling, so you have a lot of time to look out the window as you dread the rest of your commute, the continuation of your day and the rest of your miserable life.

One sign catches your attention, a sign for Prudential apparently advertising their retirement packages but the sign reads "we spend more time matching socks than planning for retirement". I get that the "we" in this sentence is supposed to be "you" the reader but the cynic reads the "we" as in Prudential which is really not all that comforting a thought if you task them with your life savings.

Might want to bring that back to Don at creative for some rework.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Take on Linda McMahon

The state of Connecticut wants interested in electing her, so maybe she can serve the country as a whole instead.  Linda McMahon was tapped by Trump to lead the Small Business Administration which is a role which I've never even heard of which, I guess, makes her perfectly qualified.

I mean this woman has led a bunch of steroid driven frat boys to beat each other like they are at a Bills Game so why not put her in charge of a major organization??
But this isn't what bothers me about her.  What bothers me is that she has a terrible haircut which looks like she was sunbathing on the lawn and Vince came by with a lawnmower.   She looks like Suzy Orman's twin sister, if that sister had gotten hit across the head with a folding chair.

Plus she has a weird looking eye

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Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Take on the Trump Dream Team

Retired Lieutenant Michael Flynn will likely become Trump's National Security Advisor which is about as reassuring as putting Swiper the Fox in charge of rationing. Flynn might be decorated for his service, but what he sees "news" as plain wall decoration. Throw as much propaganda at the wall and hope some of it sticks. For all the valor and smarts that Mattis would bring, Flynn would bring the opposite. I do not intend on knocking every Trump nomination, just the ridiculous ones like the rumored Palin one or the out of place ones like Carson for HUD. I'd be fine with Huntsman or his alter ego Romney at State, I'd be less interested in John Bolton although maybe his brother Michael wouldn't be terrible. I like Mattis as head of the pentagon, Priebus as Chief of Staff seems harmless although Bannon is a wackadoodle. I'm not thrilled with the two Trump boys being involved as they are just dumb horny frat boys. Ivanka might be ok as she seems somewhat sensible but she'll bring nothing but conflict and Kushner is at least bright although probably is right of Netanyahu on Israel. Wilbur Ross might be ok as commerce secretary although I assume he looks like Wilfred Brimley who coincidently is another Latter Day Saint. Betsy DeVos is a lunatic, Nikki Halley kind of reminds me of Nikki Cox in a good way. I can't figure out how to pronounce the Mnuchin guy's name but it looks phonetically like a crappy town in Jersey. Jeff Sessions is an awful human and is such a hick he makes Jeff Foxworthy seem like a metrosexual. Mike Pompeo seems like the kind of guy you get stuck next to at a dinner party and you constantly hope your phone rings so you can pretend it's somebody calling to say that a bus drove over your cat.
I know nothing about Elaine Chow other than she probably shoves a gag-ball in Mitch McConnell mouth as she stands over him wearing crotchless panties and carrying a whip, an image which is now burned into your brain forever.
There is a guy in charge of health who I know nothing about, I'm sure he's fine..or not (update, he's crazy)

Maybe he can put Al Gore on cyber security

Monday, December 5, 2016

Take on the Carson pick

Donald Trump said he will nominate Ben Carson to head HUD which somehow makes him the least qualified nominee of the. Ew administration which is saying a lot since he is rumored to be considering Sarah Palin to head the VA. Ben Carson seems like a wise choice if you need somebody to operate on an infants brain or if you need a guy to speak very softly to you, he would be the man but if you needed a guy to lead a giant government agency, maybe a guy with no formal leadership experience isn't the best bet. Land even I you did, maybe tasking a guy with experience in housing development might be an option, but then again that doesn't seem like the kind of person TeflonDon could find in his circle.

Oh well, there is always General Flynn who is maybe more qualified but a lot more dangerous.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Take on the Trump-SNL feud

Everybody agrees that our president elect is a thin skinned man, one who sees every perceived slight as a personal insult needed to be addressed. Whether it is Rosie or The New York Times, he goes on a complete rampage whenever there is even a small criticism. But nothing is more bizarre than his anger towards Saturday Night Live, an NBC franchise which has lived through, and critiqued presidents from Ford to Bush and from Reagan to Obama. But our President-Elect just won't stand for it and has been going on total twitter rampages attacking Alec Baldwin's impression and of course the Lame Stream Media is up in arms.
But nobody seems to remember that Trump has a long relationship with NBC and Universal and it wouldn't shock me if this 'feud' is completely fabricated to help the failing Saturday Night Live get some traction in a post Jon Stewart world. Every complaint he makes, creates stories about the show and rushes hundreds of thousands of people to watch the clips on YouTube. Something tells me this war is anything but...

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Take on the third party

I'm not 100% sure what Jill Stein stands for but I'm pretty sure it's mostly Jill Stein. Maybe they Green Party stands for going green with wind turbines and recycling programs. Or maybe it's all about Mary Jane, but either way it is not at all a relevant party. The Libertarians are only slightly better even if their leader couldn't tell Aleppo from Aladdin. Ross Perot was sort of interesting the first time before he got that bumbling old guy who could t hear the questions.
I get that third party candidates have virtually no voice in our national elections which sounds troubling at its face but might not be. The problem is in a representative democracy, if there were three viable candidates, it's entirely possible and very likely that we would have elections where none of the candidates get 270 electoral votes. In this case the House of Representatives gets to choose the next president with each of the fifty states having a single vote for the top three candidates in terms of electoral votes. As much as our 'democracy' feels like a sham now, imagine that. Each state has he exact same weight and a bunch of lunatic politicians not talented enough to become senators get to choose for us, Jesus kill me.

Maybe get rid of the electoral college but with three or more candidates you will never get any of them to get a majority of voters, so your president will be representing a vote of around 40% which means that 60% of the electorate wouldn't have wanted her. So that kind of sucks, too. You wind up getting these sloppy behind the scenes coalitions with backhanded deals and cronyism at best and no government at all at worse, which might not be that bad.

So until we are ready to rip up the constitution and come up with a completely different method of voting for president, I'm not sure they really need a platform, cause in theory it sounds enticing but in practice it sounds like they will bring more mess than they are worth

Friday, December 2, 2016

Take on the Trump Tie thing

We've been wondering about Trump's ties for a while, first of all, he wears them way too long (  usually having the thing hang between his legs probably overcome his shortness in other places.   It's also weird how he never buttons his jacket which makes him look a lot more sloppy than a guy who is always in a suit is supposed to look.    The last thing is that apparently Trump scotch tapes his tie together because he ties it so low that the skinny piece doesn't fit into the little loop thing.  My theory is that he thinks he is taller than he actually is, so he ties his tie way too long which is why it dangles like it does and why he needs to tape it together

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Thursday, December 1, 2016

Take on the crazies

A buddy of mine shared a Facebook post about a bunch of love starved crazies who were the craziest of the ProLifers I've ever seen. These hard-up chicks were protesting that ejaculation is murder which is about as insane as a group of hard up chicks can get. This is the kind of thing which turns even the most ardent defenders against your cause and Jill's any chance of you ever having a date