Friday, January 31, 2014

Take on the Mass Text Message bubbles

Apple, Inc.
Mr. Tim Cook CEO


Hope this letter finds you well and you are enjoying another day lounging around in pleated khakis, an IPhone belt clip and Scrooge McDuck money.   I was a latecomer to the iOS universe but am now a complete convert and one of your loudest advocates and today come with a suggestion.

During group-text messages would it be possible to add the following feature when you launch iOS8 which I think will help your stock-price break the $1000 a share ceiling, or at least make it a slightly improved software platform 

Each member of the conversation gets a text bubble in a different color.     I get that there is a little icon next to each person (and sometimes a picture) but it would really make it much easier to follow a conversation thread with some handy color coordination..


Thursday, January 30, 2014

Take on the church subsidy

I read earlier today that a State Senator in Nebraska had started a
campaign to eliminate property tax exemptions for churches and other
religious entities. I'm all for eliminating any subsidy for any
group especially ones who influence public policy as directly as
churches do, not to mention groups that systematically cover up child
abuse. Stick your nose is things like abortion and gay marriage while
covering up that kind of heinous act and you don't get a government
handout from me...ever

But really this is not the issue which we should be talking about,
what we should be discussing are the other subsidy churches get...the
no parking zones in front of their buildings. I have never quite
understood why in manhattan when parking is impossible, churches get a
free walkway while mosques, temples and synagogues are all triple

De Blasio..put down the pizza fork and start addressing issues that
really affect New Yorkers.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Taken on the State of the Union

Every year at the end of January, the TOR staff gathers around to
listen to the president try to convince congress and the American
people that the "state or our union is strong" and every year it feels
less and less true. I get that we've made some progress but if this
year has told us anything, it is that even a champion on liberal
causes used more drones than Bush Jr., is part and parcel to a
gigantic domestic spying operation which dwarfs anything anybody other
than Snowden had imagined and will leave a legacy of broken promises
and missed opportunities. Last year, Obama got up on stage and spent
the better part of the SOTU on school shootings with all that vigor
and for a brief second, you thought that there might be a chance that
we were finally on another track. Of course, nothing changed,
mainly because a president has no power to do anything anymore. He
can't change perceptions, he can't change gridlock and he can't change
the laws. This year he laid out some interesting and needed concepts
like fixing income inequality between men and women and raising the
minimum wage to a livable number but also spent most of the hour just
droning on about the same issues he's had no effect on going into 6
years on office and nobody believe he has enough political ammunition
or political will to get any of it to change
So we'll wait another year and we'll get another speech and we'll get
to see John Boehner looked bored and see Joe Biden look horny and the
president make promises and edicts and lay our policy and then we'll
go to sleep

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Take on West 44th street and 9th avenue

If there is a more miserable cross street in Manhattan than 44th, I'd
like to hear about it. I made the mistake of driving into the city
this week and as I cruised through the first 10 or so miles of it I
thought I may actually make it on time. That was until I hit the evil
vortex which is 44th street with the traffic basically backed up from
the West Side Highway to midtown. So after taking 20 minutes to go 10
miles, I spent 30 minutes going about two city blocks trying to get to
a parking lot.
Next time I'll just leave the car parked in the middle of the street,
seems that is what everybody else did anyway

Monday, January 27, 2014

Take on the dentist

every six months or so I go to the dentist and every time I regret it more and more..

First the professional tooth technician always spends the first few minutes scolding me about not flossing enough, then spend the next 45 minutes poking, prodding, pulling, grinding and cutting my teeth and gums till I am spitting blood like I just got out of a 12 round fight with Clubber Lang

But what is the worst part about the entire experience is that they spray that water everywhere and by the end of the hour, I need a towel.   The have to figure out a way to turn down the intensity because the amount of back-splash against my pearly whites is out of control   

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Take on the heavy lifting hotel guest

Is there anything more disturbing than the guy at a normal
non-musclehead gym who grunts when he lifts? I am at the hotel gym
the other morning and some dude sounded like he was birthing an
Elephant through his pee hole. Between the grunts, screams and loud
breaths, people were literally stopped on the treadmill thinking he
was having a heart attack. I get that there are people who feel
like they need to pump some major iron to feel complete but does that
have to happen at the Holiday Inn Express at 6:30AM, jesus, find a
local Gold's Gym.
I guess this is the reason these meatheads always wear headphones
cause their fragile little egos can't take the under the breath
comments they get at a place like that.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Take on the "I've never been happier" guy

Is there anything more disingenuous than the guy who answers a
question about how things are going than with the over-exuberant "I
have never been happier." Yeah, you haven't worked a really job in
months, are dating a miserable wench and you live at home with your
parents but your life couldn't be better. Give me a break.

Life isn't always peach trees, flowers and lap dances, there are hard
days and difficult circumstance but this desire to overcome everything
with positive energy is the kind of mentality that lands you in a
mental home. Although, I must admit it is entertaining as the
collapse for the "life has never been better" chick is always brutal.
She is always the one who is carrying fifty bounds of baggage but
believes now that she has a boyfriend all that baggage just
disappears, but when her little bubble bursts, which it always does,
her fall from grace is always spectacular

Ever notice that it also always somebody who you just know is
resentful and pathetic and you wouldn't trade give minutes of their
life for a dollar and although they give you this chirpy cheerful crap
they are always the ones divorced and unemployed six months later.

So the next time somebody says something as asinine as "my life is
just perfect" I will kick them squarely in the shin.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Take on the airport Ramada

There are not many places more skeevy than the airport Ramada. The
Expedia pictures make the place look like a weary traveler's haven but
when you walk into the room and the bedbugs have a welcome sign
hanging up, you know you are in trouble. Between the mold on the
walls, the missing tiles in the ceiling, the stains on the floor which
I pray to the fine God is spilled milk and the tattoo convention of
guys playing poker in front lobby, it was not up there as my favorite

The thing that shocks me is that the flea motel gets 4 stars on
Expedia, is it that people's expectations of a Ramada are so low that
as long as there isn't a dead hooker in the bathtub, they will give it
a ringing endorsement

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Take on the concrete floor

Three really aren't many more painful things that walking a trade show
in Vegas all day. You are jet lagged and hungover but the worst
thing is the fact you are on your feet for 10 hours and after walking
on badly padded concrete all day, your back feels like they stacked
heavy machinery on it. I have never needed some Dr. Scholls so

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Take on Buffalo Wild Wings breakfast

As I walk aimlessly through the Delta terminal waiting for a flight to
Las Vegas, I spot the Buffalo Wild Wings and figure it's a great
choice for breakfast, cause who wouldn't want some scrambled eggs with
wingers at 8AM?
The problem is that I walked up at 10:05 and was promptly told that
breakfast was over but have no despair because they were serving
lunch. My dreams of hot wings and eggs now dashed, I settle for a
buffalo wrap and fries and ask for a coffee

Righetti. Can I get a large coffee?

WildWingsWaitress: I told you that breakfast was over

Righetti.. Ok, but people drink coffee at times other than breakfast

WWW: no they don't

TOR: well I do

WWW. Weird

TOR. Look at Starbucks, they have a line at all hours of the day

WWW. That is different

TOR. Why?

WWW. It just is. Your wrap will be out in 15 minutes

I had to get up and walk over to the coffee kiosk for a $2.09 large
coffee that tasted like my snow covered shoe

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Take on the MTA sneaky money making ploy

Let's put this factoid down as things I am not at all surprised at.
The NY Times reported that the MTA is making nearly $100 million off
of unused metro cards. Between all those $0.20 balances, tourists and
lost cards, they are just owning this secondary market. I have said
forever that it is time to put metro card machines on the platforms,
to let customers use the time they are waiting to refill cards but
since nobody listened people are all stuck with a hundred cards in
their bags with really small amounts on then and that is just how the
MTA likes it.

Hope somebody brings this up the next time the MTA tries to raise fares.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Take on the Seventh Avenue Station

If there is ever a doubt about black holes, I invite somebody to come
down to the 7th avenue subway station because the only thing that can
properly describe what happens there is a bizarre time-light bend.
For those who have not been down there, it's just a bizarre scene and
bit only because it is the exact place where I shattered my IPhone
glass the day of the Guns N' Roses concert.
At the seventh avenue station you have the D and B trains running
downtown at the same platform as the downtown E train. This seems
normal except the two trains run in opposite directions on the
platform which as anybody who knows the NYC subway line would know
that this should not happen because it confused the hell out of
everybody. If trains run in opposite directions on two sides of a
platform you'd assume one was heading north and the other south or one
east and the other west, but to have both heading south is like
entering a transit vortex

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Take on the kosher meal

Is there a bigger misconception out there than kosher food being
remotely more healthy. I get that being blessed night mean it isn't
infected with ghosts or goblins but I know of a few non-Jewish people
who will actually choose if over regular chicken believing that there
is some nutritional value to it. At least Hallal meat means that the
animal was slaughtered in the. It's humane way, even if if says
nothing for quality or hormone injections but the idea that a bunch of
poultry blessed in a large industrial freezer means anything to a goy
is beyond ridiculous

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Take on MSG

Only a Taiwanese food truck would dub itself with a name which invokes
fear for health conscious consumers. While the rest of the world
has started to find ways to avoid monosodium glutamate, the foot truck
standing on 46th street in midtown embraced the entire concept by not
just featuring dishes rich in the additive but also going the route of
actually naming the truck after it. Either that or it's a tribute to
Jim Dolan

To be fair, it tasted great although I felt like a little Taiwanese
kid trying to burst out if my stomach.

Friday, January 17, 2014

take on the dimming sun

saw a picture of a scene in fog-filled China with a beautiful sunset projected on a wall to show the poor 1.2 billion people what clean air looks like.    They aren't actually getting any for their lungs but it's nice to know that they are given the opportunity to look at air the way it's suppose to be.

I looked on my China AirQuality IPhone app this week and Beijing had many days at exactly 500 air quality rating which means that just breathing the air is hazardous for a completely healthy person.   It may sound like some kind of coincidence that the numbers were exactly 500 every day for like a week straight until you realize that the US Consulate scale only goes up to 500 and that third party sources were showing readings in the mid 600's

can't wait to get back over there.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Take on the double endorsed deposit

I made a deposit directly into the ATM to our joint checking account a few days ago and thought nothing of it until I noticed a few days later that one particular check hadn't cleared and the amount had been debited from my account.    I get that there are sometimes delays but this seemed pretty odd as the debit transaction happened only a few hours after the initial deposit transaction.   After spending a good part of a half an hour with a Citibank representative, I was told that since the check was made out to both me and my wife, we should both have endorsed it.     

I've had a joint account for almost a decade and have deposited tons of checks with both our names listed but this was the first time it was tagged as suspicious.  

Can somebody explain the logic behind this?

I can make a withdrawal without having her signature but I can't make a deposit?   Isn't the act of taking money out of an account much more worrisome than adding to it?  Both of our names appear on the account, and checks made to either individual person can be deposited with only one signature but a check make out to both requires two signatures??  The entire thing is maddening.
So not only did the deposit not go in when I made the initial transactions but I had to spend time out of my time to wrap my head around the mental gymnastics they asked me to perform to understand the rationale and then it took four days to get the check sent back to my hours which I then had to get double endorsed to bring back to the same bank to re-deposit it.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

take on the $172 million dollar penis pump

I've never used a penis pump, so can't speak for it's effectiveness but I have to think that when it comes to modern science, it's gotta be up there as somewhat obsolete.

Today, a report came out which said that Medicare has shelled out about $172 million dollars on Penis pumps over the last 10 years which they say is based on apparatuses that cost $360 a pop

I know that this will get met with screams of 'death panels' but I think it might be time to have some oversight on how the dollar is spent on these government run programs.    I'm not one who thinks that you should give a guy knee surgery when they are on their death bed for cancer, don't feel that an old lady with three weeks to live should get hip replacement surgery on our dime and sure as hell don't think that we should be paying $360 a pop to get grampa to get a stiffy.

First of all, $360 for a penis pump seems outrageously expensive..  I don't know what they should cost but the ones that Ron Jeremy is always hawking on youporn look like they should cost $50..   Secondly,  I don't think those penis pumps are probably all that effective, what the old geezer needs is a 20 year old coed with fake tits that point directly at Kansas.  He can't get it up because his wife uses a walker and her tits hang to her knees.

either that... or get the guy a $360 mountain bike

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Take on the seven week erection

Sometimes you read something that seems so ridiculous, it can only be true.    There is a story going around about a dude who straddled his mountain bike cross-bar and has since had a seven weeks stiffy.    I don't quite understand the science behind this and don't quite get how straddling a crossbar leads to extra blood flowI'd think that riding a bike on the crossbar would actually decrease the blood running to the unit but if nothing else you have to think that Trek bikes are going to have a Viagra like rise.

There seem to be worse things although I realize that this might be a bit uncomfortable and a tad embarrassing but being that the lad is Irish, chances are that it's not all that noticeable.  

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, January 13, 2014

take on the no pants subway ride

Every year I get excited when they announce that the worldwide no-pants subway ride will be rolling back through town and every year I'm glad that I forget to go.    Like a naked people beach, this seems basically like a collection of fat overweight people who should be asked to wear more clothes, not less.     I get that it's your right to take a train in your boxers but please realize that my eyes aren't the only thing getting contaminated.  Have you seen the nose-picking, toe-nail clipping, dry humping, clammy hand touching, bad BO having filth that takes the subway and now the only thing that separates your bare ass and the filth that is the NYC subway is a thin piece of cotton. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Take on the suckmeg stateMb

I understand that Connecticut is supposedly beautiful and rich in
culture but other than being the baby brother to two more prominent
states, I don't quite get the appeal

I go to the science museum today and the line is 2 1/2 hours long and
then even then when you get on, you are waiting on every exhibit for
10 minutes.

Maybe blaming the inadequacy of the entire state based on one museum
is rough but is there nothing else to do in the entire state than
standing on line for an entire day to see some science projects?

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Take on the promoted tweet

Can somebody explain the reasoning behind individuals paying to have
Twitter promote their tweets? I get a company like Toyota or
Budweiser doing it, but some random teenager actually paying to have
their completely innocuous thoughts transmitted.
Today, I got a promoters tweet from some broad asking if anybody else
was going to be single in 2014, the tweet was from 10 days ago and
about as interesting now as it was then, I imagine.
I looked it up and this person must have spent a few hundred bucks
which seems like the biggest waste of money, anybody has ever spent.

So SalehYemeni, you are officially the dumbest person on twitter and
the fact that you are single in 2014 should not surprise anybody

Friday, January 10, 2014

Take on the new New York Times

I love the NY Times but it's becoming more obvious by the day that
they are desperately trying to become the next NY Post. The Times
twitter feed which has basically been used to send out the top new
stories is now sending out stories like "Bill De Blasio eats pizza
with a fork". I get that for half of NYC, this is probably a really
big deal but the Gray Lady can't really be going down this path, can

What is next, a topless LiLo smoking weed picture on the front cover

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Take on the communal food kitchen

There really isn't anymore less appetizing thank communal food.
Especially during the holiday season people will bring all sorts of
things into my office and at about 11AM it looks like vultures his our
lunch room. What I don't get is that people will just pick pieces
off a Danish or a donut leaving a half eaten carcass for the next
schlep. I don't know where your hands have been and now you are
leaving me with a half eaten hotdog. I get that this is a way of
portion control but you could just as well just throw the half you
aren't going to eat right into the garbage because nobody else is
touching it either.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

take on Governor Christie's lane closures

The political fallout on the GWB lane closures are just beginning and the deeper you dig into the pile of dog-shit, the worse it smells..

Back in September, right before the gubernatorial elections, an aide to Christie ordered a number of lanes closed on the GWB in what is now implied was retaliation against the Mayor of Fort Lee for not endorsing him for his reelection bid.   Although this could all be political gamesmanship, like an overweight man who hasn't showered down there in a while, this smells fishy.   TOR was on the scene this morning to take in the GWB morning commute and found that traffic was running OK but then again there was no election imminent either.   

Our reporters have interviewed a number of people with ties to NJ Politics including A. Ramy Eid a Democratic operative who had the following statement.

"'s great to see that Hogan will be at Wrestlemania 30 but sad that he is so far past his prime"

Although TOR likes CC, this doesn't look good and will certainly not help his hopes for a 2016 presidential campaign especially coming from a politician who claims to be no-nonsense and beyond petty politics.  But what really bothered the editorial board was that this caused me a lot of headache personally, I remember that morning commute and it was completely horrible.   It took me two hours to get to work..

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Take on absolute stupidity

There are times in my life when even I question how stupid I can be.
Today, in some kind of polar freeze vortex, I decided against common
sense and biked from midtown to the ferry station at 37th and 12th
avenue. As if walking across town wasn't cold enough, I had to push
the limit and bike it against heavy winds, black ice and near
frostbite to my face. But that wasn't enough for this boy-genius, I
also had to act like one of those idiots who goes topless at a Packer
playoff game and biked the mile and a half without gloves on

I'm typing this with only my left hand as my right one is still tingling

Monday, January 6, 2014

Take on the weather gods

We've been watching this weather for the last few days and I'm
scratching my head. One day we are facing the storm of the century,
the next day the roads feel like the rink at Rockefeller Center and
the next day I'm putting on shorts and flip flops. Today's weather
forecast calls for highs in the mid 50's and lows in the teens, how is
that for global warming?
It's not that I am particularly worried about this but I would like a
bit more consistency so that I know which sets of clothes I can store
away for the winter and which I have to keep out. Right now, my
closet looks like a sales rack at Macy*s, with my bathing suit
sitting right next to my thermals.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Take on the snug khakis

What possesses a dude to walk around in skin tight khakis unless he is
actively trying to make sure he never gets laid. Unless it's
required for your job, there really is no good reason to be caught
dead in these things, they always look way more sloppy than the wearer
intends, they never quite fit right and people always seem to struggle
with what to pair it with.

The good news is that the sheer act of wearing khakis will make sure
that no self respecting chick will ever take you seriously enough to
want to bed and if by some unknown reason she's into the whole casual
Friday look the fact that most guys wear them so snug against their
junk they may as well be wearing an athletic supporter that the
chances of procreating a super OfficeMax race is probably slim to

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Take on the d!ck pic

another day, another celebrity d!ck pic. I got up the other day and
the first headline I read is about current New York Jet QB Geno Smith
sending pictures of his Italian Stallion to some chick. I get the
appeal of a dude requesting pics of a chick's boobs but never quite
got the fascination of pics of other body parts and having seen my own
wang, see no reason this thing has to be photographed.

I have never taken or received a dick pic, so need somebody to explain
the mentality behind this and also some logistics. What makes a dude
want to do this and more importantly what makes a chick want to see
it. Man junk is like Picasso art, nobody can honestly claim to like
it, it probably just sounds like a thing that chicks should like.
Between the hair, veins, odd shapes and ball sack, these things
shouldn't ever be seen.

But as there apparently is a market for them, what are the rules to a
good d!ck pic? How much thought is out into it?

Do you make sure the mast is up?
Do you put a penny next to it, to show it's proportional size?
How do you prove it's actually your own? Do you have to prove some
distinguishable feature or is it like a selfie where you make sure to
show your face, too?
Do you make sure you are groomed before hand?
Do you keep it unobstructed or do you kind of keep some parts to the

Inquiring minds need to know

Friday, January 3, 2014

Take on DiBlasio's first test

My buddy Chin just pointed out that as of 11AM Broadway was still
covered with snow even though the major snow stopped about 10 hours
ago and remarking how the unions already have Big Bill by the
DiBlasiBalls. Midtown looks like Alaska, uptown looks like Siberia
and downtown looks like Antarctica

It is remarkable how little the DiBlasio administration has done when
it comes to issues that really affect people. I remember bigger
snowstorms and by the time I get into the city the entire place looks
like Miami Beach. Bloomberg had one mulligan, too, but you know that
if Rudy was as the helm right now the streets would be clean, granted
he'd have done it with tanks running down Broadway but I'd be able to
get to work without so much as a drop I snow on my shoe

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Take on Herculus

Here is a prediction for tomorrow..   The blizzard of the century will likely be a complete wash-out.   Yeah, we might get some flurries, we might even have some downed power lines and we are likely to have some delays getting to work but I'm quite sure that at the end of the day, we'll have 100 pounds of food in our fridge and the manager of A&P and the local Target will be laughing all the way to the bank.

I do think that my back could be a bit sore from lifting all the truth 

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Take on the SnapChat leak

I have never been on SnapChat and don't plan on ever using it being
that I am (a) a married man (b) not a teenager and (c)not a terrorist
but I was fairly intrigued when they reported today they 4.6 million
users' data was leaked. This is a website/app which is all about
covertness, so it can't be comforting for these 4.6 million hornballs
and people planning to blow up commuter bus lines.
The claim, as far as I know, is that SnapChat doesn't keep any of the
photos people send around, which is doubtful to begin with, and I, for
one, am now eagerly awaiting the millions of nudie pictures which you
know will now be leaked.

Oh and the chick in the ad has about six chins.