Monday, September 30, 2013

take on the latest fiscal cliff

all the news reports the last couple of days are about the next government shutdown and fiscal cliff we'll go over tonight and unlike all the other times we were facing certain doom, this time I can't be bothered.   Not with the final episode of Breaking Bad, a new season on Homeland, NFL football, the end of the baseball season, the diarrhea I've had for a week and the changing of the leaves up in New England.   Maybe this is the Boy who Cried Wolf syndrome because they've tried to scare us all into something over and over again.  When they did this the first time, I remember it was all that people were talking about.. will they or won't they.   This time, though, nobody seems to care.  We know that at the end of the day, they will come to some compromise and if not.. they will all be responsible for being irresponsible and I can just hope we throw them all out on their asses..
 
I hope it hurts  
 
 
 

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Take on the guy brushing his teeth in a public toilet

I see guys brushing their teeth in an airport bathroom all the time
and I scratch my head. There is usually not a worst smelling place
than an airport bathroom with all those cultures coming together.
Maybe it's the oxygen that get pumped into the planes, maybe it's the
airplane food, maybe it is all those Cinnabuns or maybe it is that
people are particularly nervous but an airport bathroom usually smells
like absolute hell.

Forget a public setting, there really isn't a more ridiculously
disgusting act than brushing your teeth in the same room you take a
sh!t. I get that this is the way that things have always been, but if
I ever build my own house, my sh!tter will be in a different room than
the sink where I keep my toothbrush.

As disgusting as it is to brush my teeth in the awfulness of my own
ass, I could never be convinced to do so in a public bathroom. You
may as well brush your teeth with one of those toilet brushes, it'll
taste about the same

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Take on the yellow line anniversary

The yellow first down line turned 15 this week and If there was a
better invention in the last century, I'd like to know what it is.
Forget the curefor polio, YouPorn, the electric car, smokeless
cigarettes or sustainable farming, this small piece of magic has
affected more us more positively than all of this combined. It is to
the point that my daughter asks where it is even in between plays, eh
oh got me to thinking that they should really superimpose it on the
field at all times during a telecast.
Or better yet, use the technology and have the zebras wear special
glasses so they can see the super-imposed line on the field as they
are watching the game. Coaches, fans and GM's would benefit too, and
maybe even pit it on players. Then again, we'd be about a hair away
from having 80,000 people pay $100 a piece to watch a game of
Madden's.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Take on the American Cup

If there has even been a sporting event which captures the imagination of the American audience less than the American Cup, I'd like to know what it is.   No regular guy can own a horse but at least we feel like we can gamble on it.    I cannot believe the amount of coverage this thing has gotten over the last week, with people calling it maybe the greatest comeback of all time, topping the RedSox 3-0 deficit to the Yankees, the Bills beating Houston or Reggie Miller breaking the hearts of every Knicks fan.

The WSJ had a front page article yesterday and have been featuring it for a month, and honestly I can't think of a single person who gives a sh!t.   Obviously this the Journal's ultimate ass-kiss to Oracle CEO Larry Ellison, because you just know that if the owner of this crew had been Mazin El Manahi or Chris Kuchar, it wouldn't even have made the online edition. 

As for the comeback, from everything you read it was a combination of a lot of luck, some crazy wind currents and probably a bunch of shenanigans.. but then again if it's corporate greed, this country's financial media all ignore it.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Take on the Pumpkinber

If you ever wonder why Americans are risky the last healthy people,
look no further than he new Pumpkinber from Seattle's Coffee. With a
slogan like "when the ship turns orange try the Pumpkinber", you know
you are screwed
This thing is a pumpkin pie mixed with a latte, in other words they
cram 800 calories into a 16 ounce cup and probably will mean instant
death for the consumer, which can't be a good long term strategy

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Take on CNN's Breaking News

I get that there is a character limit for Twitter but when CNN's
Breaking News sends you some news jumble, I scratch my head. In the
same tweet they are giving you an update on the massacre at the mall
in Kenya while also giving some info on the powerball winner.
Seems like they could easily split these into two separate tweets,
just surprised that they didn't include local peewee football scores

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Take on the security line

Can somebody explain why, when there is no line, these airport mongos
still make you walk through that entire maze? Forget trying to
bypass this thing, since, well, there is no reason to walk back and
forth ten times, as you might have Homeland Security on your ass.
This is exactly what has happened, travel has become so restrictive
that you can't go so far as Philadelphia without having some chick
make sure you don't have any hemorrhoids.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Take on the greatest Times Square muppet

I walk through Times Square almost every day, so have seen practically
every single costumed character they offer. There is the Cookie
Monster who smells like weed, there is Woody who might be a kiddie
toucher, Batman who might be hiding a glock or a dildo in his utility
belt and there is the Naked Cowboy who really is starting to show his
age (and feeling gravity)
But the best guy out there is this new dude who must be 280 pounds and
completely spray painted in copper whose entire schtick is lying on a
park bench scratching himself. He looks like your dirty uncle and
smells like that alcoholic little league coach from third grade

I threw his a nickel

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Take on The Pretty Kitty

There are some days when I just have to tip my hat to advertising. I
was zooming around a Groupon for Southern California the other day and
came across one for bikini waxes.

My first thought was, that like half off sushi, getting a deal on a
bikini wax might not be a great idea. For $27 to have some Asian
immigrant pouring hot wax all over your junk, just doesn't seem like a
smart decision. I wouldn't get LASIK from some quack advertising on
the subway, and this would be the same kind of medical procedure, I'd
have some real caution with.
Then again, you gotta give them credit for the name of the place...The
Pretty Kitty, does have a little something to it.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Take on ios7

After spending nearly three hours downloading the new iOS, in what can
only be described as a Microsoft experience, I finally turned on
IPhone only to find it had been replaced with a Windows phone. Gone
were l the sleek lines and dark hues m, all replaced with bubbly boxes
and an infusion of pinks, turquoise and grey. It was said I was
transported from 2013 onto the set of Goodfellas.
So not only did nothing look the way it should and not only were all
the apps hidden in weird compartments but the battery life, which has
been an issue since ios5, went from bad to terrible

Each keystroke seemingly removed one percent from the battery and each
web activity takes 10% off

So here I am, stuck in a world where the mere act of using your phone
sucks it dry, while at the same time burning out my retinas with 80's
awful

Friday, September 20, 2013

take on the ios7 update

With great fanfare, Apple announced the new Iphones last week.  Finally poor kids in China and India would be able to afford their very own piece of Steve Jobs, even if it still meant giving up a month's salary to do so.  
What also came along with the announcement, was the launch of the new ios7 software.   I was a bit skittish about downloading it, as I always seem to have problems but finally decided to bite the bullet and deal with it.    I first did a full backup on my computer, as it would give me some piece of mind in case it bricked on me..
so now I sit at my desk and ITunes has said "preparing IPhone to restore" for the last hour..

Something tells me that I'll be wasting my weekend at the Genius Bar

MLIA

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Take in the subway seat stealer

about faking an injury in order to get a seat on the subway.  
The guy in the feature pops on a fake cast and voila, people are willing to give him any seat on the train.   obviously for those without a conscious, this fake injury is a great concept, even if it means some pregnant chick will wind up standing on a stinky train from Utica avenue 

But even if it sounds good in theory except for the fact it probably doesn't work.  Most pregnant chicks will tell you that getting anybody to give up a seat for them in their third trimester is like pulling teeth and earlier than that any sign of civility is hidden deep behind a newspaper

The article goes on to mention a few other methods of avoiding having somebody sit next to you like looking sickly but I usually have been fortunate to get my own seat by looking like a 
homeless person with newspapers jammed into my jacket pockets, my hair completely disheveled and my Hong Kong Feet




Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Take on the awning visor

Can somebody explain why the heck seemingly normal people feel like
putting the equivalent of a golf umbrella on their hats while walking
though the streets of NYC? If you haven't seen them with your own
eyes, yet, you are in for a great as these ladies have such ridiculous
visors that there is a real fear that they will poke the person in
front of them in the ass with them. I am not one who seeks out the
sun, but to walk around with a restaurant awning seems ludicrous.

When a group of them walk down the street, it looks like a convention
of ducks, ones with no breasts.

.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Take on the big news story

There are many days when I read a headline and think "yes, and water is wet"
There was a story on Gawker yesterday about rural makes being the most
likely to be bing drinkers, which considering it's that or tipping
cows, makes sense. This is like saying that Dutch people are more
likely to dress badly, black people are more likely to listen to
hiphop or Asian people are more likely to have bad haircuts. This is
just so obvious, it doesn't need to be justified

I'm willing to gamble that the same demographic also probably has more
guns, sounds like a winning combination

Monday, September 16, 2013

Take on the hole in one

The Dutch don't know much when t comes to fashion, style or class but
they certainly know how to keep some of the nicest airport bathrooms
around. As a connoisseur of public restrooms, I am well versed in
the levels of filth in those places, ones I've only become more aware
of when I was blessed with daughters.
One trick, which won't help the seat pissers in the stalls, is that
they strategically place pictures on the porcelain of their airport
urinals, to give the uncut masses something to aim at. This small
mind game, in my estimation, leads to 43% percent less floor piss, an
improvement I think anybody would appreciate.

Anyway, the Dutch may wear jeans and a tuxedo jacket to a wedding but
at least their shoes aren't piss covered

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Take on the USPS

When I got an envelope in the mail from the USPS announcing exciting
news, I assumed it was their announcement that they were closing the
postal service. I get that there are some people(ones over the age of
70) who still depend on their mail carrier for something but for
anybody born after WWII, the entire concept of getting bills delivered
to your door seems antiquated
I get that there are other things that the carrier delivered like
magazine, circulars and promotional material but it's come to the
point that 80% of everything never even makes it into my Josie
anymore, going directly from the mailbox to the recycling bin

USPS, just end the madness!!!

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Take on the nonworking TV screen

There really aren't many more miserable ways to spend 7.5 hours than
sitting on an airplane and finding out that your TV doesn't work.
obviously I asked the stewardess for help and after they reset the
system three separate times, I realized that I was screwed. The
flight was full and the only chance to get it to work would be to
reboot the entire flight. Everybody else's was working done, so they
weren't going to reboot the system for me and cause mass hysteria.

I did a bunch more complaining and did manage 5000 free miles, which for a guy well on his way to the Million Mile Club is kind of like a porn star getting a handjob, and an extra
bag of pretzels out of them but that was hardly worth the
inconvenience of reading the same copy of Delta Connects five times
over again

MLIA

Friday, September 13, 2013

Take on the Ostrich Pillow

When a buddy sent me a website for a new airplane pillow, I was a bit intrigued.. that was until I actually clicked on the link and saw what this sleep aid really looked like.   For some reason, the makers of this special pillow decided that basically putting an executioners hood over your head would make for a good night sleep. 
I'm not claustrophobic but the idea of sleeping with a plastic bag over my head is not something I'm lining up to sign up for.

you gotta love the video clip with the chick lying lifelessly on the table.


Thursday, September 12, 2013

Take on the day we'll never forget

Yesterday was a day we remember an event that none of us will ever
forget, the ten year anniversary of one of the greatest comedic
talents of all time. Jonathan Southwarth Ritter was born in Burbank
CA on September 17th 1948 and died, way too early, almost 55 years
later on September 11th 2003.
Ritter brought us so much joy, so many laughs and so many Trippers.
He played many characters throughout his career, but none will be
remembered more fondly than the bumbling chef Jack Tripper who may
have been the first TV character to have to hide his sexuality.

Along with Janet, Chrissy, Cindy, Terri, his best buddy Larry D, the
Ropers and the most tragic of heroes RF, Jack dare us to believe in
humanity, challenged us to trust in decency and wallow not in self
pity but to always look for another reason to have just one more at
the Regal Beagle. His words were powerful but his expressions always
ruled the screen, he never let us forget who we were and where we came
from. An ex Navy Sailor finding his way through the wilderness what
was the San Diego restaurant scene leaving it better than before he got there.

Sure there were times when we thought you were chasing the wrong skirt
or tempting fate by telling RF that you were, in fact, straight in
that icebox, but we loved you for it

We miss you Jack

Never forget

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Take on the IPhone 5s

Along with the rest of the world, I was captivated by the new IPhone 5s presentation made yesterday and was glad to see they made improvements to some of the hardware including processing speeds and an improved camera.  What really got me excited, though, was the finger-print recognition which be such a great timesaver for both unlocking the phone but also adds the possibility of downloading stuff from ITunes without having to type in some 10 character password

But what I really would like to see is the possibility of different people being able to access the same phone.  For example, I imagine that I should be able to be added as a user onto my wife's IPhone as she will be on mine but what would be ├╝ber interesting is if eventually each person's fingerprint will only open their version of the desktop, similar to shoving multiple users on one computer

This would be very good for keeping a somewhat locked ecosystem for my four year old, who has more apps on my phone than I do.  Would really be nice for her to not be able to play her princess dress-up game without the fear of random pictures of Brazilian prostitutes getting dropped on my phone







Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Take on the new IPhone app updates

There is nothing more annoying than waiting for the new Apple
announcement. It's not that I hate Apple or won't buy the new IPhone,
but every time some dude shows up on a stage wearing a white shirt and
jeans, there are 15 IPhone apps updates

I get that this is great if you have the operating system, but when
you haven't update it that little 7 stares at you like a chick in a
bikini

Monday, September 9, 2013

Take on plane feet

Sitting on an airplane for the better part of 13 hours does not do a
lot for your back or neck, but that is really the least of your
worries. I get off a connection today and my feet feel like they have
been injected with pig-intestines. Maybe it's the dry air, maybe the
altitude or maybe the 12+ hours of inactivity but my poor feet could
just not for into my sneakers today. I had to untie the laces
completely, just to slip them in, nothing like looking like a mental patient walking through Schiphol airport.

No wonder old people love Velcro

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Take on the faux 10 minute delay

I gave a theory about plane delays. If, on your way to the airport in
a cab, you see your flight is delayed by 10 minutes, you may as well
turn around and go home. Why would an airline even bother to announce
a ten minute delay, 10 minutes at the airport is congestion on the
runway. I believe that delaying a flight ten minutes when to are
three hours from your departure time, is the airlines way of prepping
you for what will inevitably be a four hour delay

The only good thing is that it'll mean I'll see the end of this
49er-Packer game

Go Geno

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Take on the brain wave bunny ears

There are some things which I will never understand. Maybe it's the
technology, maybe it's the concept or may s it's the people they
appeal to

Take these brain controlled kitten ears, which, seem like all the rage
although I cannot imagine why I'd ever wear these, although to be fair
I haven't been a! 8 year old Korean girl in years.

Just take the accompanying picture and tell me this girl doesn't look
like she's getting electronically shocked to appear like's she's
enjoying it. I can only imagine are what Asian's wear when they get
together for a birthday party with the hope that a surprise seance
breaks out, and if nothing else it may prepare them for a good career
in customer service.

Friday, September 6, 2013

take on the subway sleeping app

when I saw a Gizmodo article about a new app designed to wake you before your subway stop, I wondered 'where the hell were you five years ago??"   
I can't quite explain the technology but the MetroNap app will buzz your phone a few minutes before your stop, so you don't end up in Coney Island at 3AM after a night of boozing, which is something that has happened to me more than once.
 
One thing I'd wish they'd add.
 
some kind of buzzer that would go off if some ahole falls asleep and leans on me.  There really is nothing more disgusting than some fleabag resting his lice covered head on your shoulder.  There should be an Iphone setting that zaps somebody in their sack if they so much as come within 6 inches of me
 
 
what I don't quite get is how a phone would know where in the NY transit system you are, in order to figure out how far you are from another stop.  There are obviously many miles of trainline overground and there are increasing number of stations with WiFi but how will this work when you are travelling from Pacific Street down to Bay Ridge Parkway and there isn't a WiFi signal in sight

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Take on the lame duck decision

On the eve of the NFL season, it might be time to get something off our chest regarding the terrible season the NY Jets are bound to have.   Obviously, nobody is expecting anything other than a big  clusterf*ck of a season with Rex more than likely losing his job in about 4.5 months

The most discussed part of the Jets all offseason has been the addition of the Italian Stallion to the QB stable.  Even if nobody has any real faith in Geno Reno, there is no Jet fan who would actually prefer Sanchez.  The GQ looks, the headband, the INT's on 2nd and short in the flat are all too vivid in our minds to want to go down the road with the pretty boy again.  
But what has gotten me all season is that everybody has been saying that although the Jet top brass (Woody, Idzik etc) have been rooting for Geno to win the job, the theory has been that Rex would want Marky Mark because he would give him his best chance to win, and in turn keep his job

The issue there is that there isn't a jet fan alive who could reasonably expect anything better than 6-10 with Sanchez at the helm, and we all know that a season like that will mean the end of Rex's tenure. If you don't make the playoffs, who cares what your record is??

The alternative to Sanchez is in everybody on the Jets front office and coaching staff's best interest. 
 If he starts Geno all year, they may go 4-12 but at least he could say to this GM and owner (or to another team's decision makers in a future interview) 'you wanted to see what we had with the Rookie, our record wasn't great but we found out what he was made of'.  In a throwaway season, you have to give yourself some things to hang your hat on, and seeing the growth/lack of growth, of a young QB is the most important thing. 
If Geno doesn't have it then they need to know this and do whatever they have to do to get Teddy Bridgewater to Broadway, if he has real ability then maybe they have the QB of the future 

Finding this out is Rex's only hope



Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

take on the ten month haircut

I've done something recently which I haven't done in years.. I went about 10 months between haircuts which meant that my hairdo went from the RedRooster to Alfalfa to John Goodman in the last few months.  With that said, I figured that my hair halfway down to my ass, I couldn't trust the guy with the parrot.  My decision was made slightly easier because with the money I've saved by not getting a haircut for basically a year, I would splurge and go back to Jean Claude Van Haircut.   

I walk in and the Ruskie starts cutting and shaving and clipping and tipping and asking question I don't know the answer to (mainly because I don't quite understand what she is asking).   Most of the questions had to do with wanting layers which sounds like something a chick gets done and she even grabbed a pair of scissors which only looked like scissors but without the sharp edges..  Twenty minutes later, I go from the hockey-haircut to something only slightly better.   I walk onto the street and as opposed to being out $8 for the parrot guy, I'm out $33 for the European style one..





Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Take on the nipple-less bra

As most of you are already well aware, TOR embraces our role as an
outspoken critic of anything to do with women's clothing, so it should
be no surprise with today's post. As I was putting around on Amazon
yesterday, I can across a nipple-less bra. Now my first thought was
"I didn't realize there was a market for these things" although the
thought was definitely intriguing.

The first things that got me were the reviews with many people
commenting how turned on they were when their wives wore them. This
isn't surprising, I guess, but what was a bit shocking was that most
of these reviewers used their Amazon screen names which in many cases
were their normal names.

But what I didn't quite understand was the corresponding picture, can
somebody please explain how a woman's nipples would face 3 o'clock
and 9 o'clock.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Take on the pre printed thank you card

I am not that into formalities, and think most of the American concept
of thank you cards for gifts you have already acknowledged is a bit
much but even I draw a line. My sister in law for a preprinted baby
shower thank-you card in the mail the other day thanking her for her
"generous gift" which "meant so much" and was "so thoughtful". I
get that people with newborns are busy, but come on..have a little
class. Somebody spends hard earned money to buy you something off
your registry, meaning it was hand selected by YOU, and you can't
bother to put pen to paper?

I was surprised she didn't get a mass thank you text

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Take on the new caffeine free coke zero can

When I saw an eleven year old drinking a caffeine free coke zero
yesterday, I was shocked. Not because the concept of drinking the rat
poisons which is soda isn't bad enough but it was such an obvious
attempt to hook kids to soda under the guise of no caffeine or sugar.
This has Joe Camel written all over it.
But what really should have regulators concerned is the new color to
the cans because this new Coke creation looks exactly like a can of
MGD

Way to corrupt our kids,Coke