Monday, December 31, 2012

Taking on the much needed haircut

I am stuck in a miserable spot between terribly needing a haircut
while also not giving a crap what I look like. That night be a bit
too strong as it isn't like I don't care but I just can't be bothered
to put too much energy into it. I have not spent more than $25 on any
single piece of clothing in a decade (other than running shoes which
aren't really identified as clothing per se). I often go three or four
months between haircuts going from a Dan Rather look to a Jim from the
Office look throughout the months
So here I am with another bad hair day and no desire whatsoever to change it

Happy New Year

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Take on the void if scratched portion of the scratch-off

Has anybody else noticed they added this "void if removed" portion to
the bottom of the scratch offs? I am not sure what the rationale is
although I'd guess that officially it has something to do with
merchants not being able to cull out the winners. although the cynic
in me figures that it is just another way to scam would be winners out
of their money because they got a little eager with the scratching and
accidentally went over the line and are this marked a Zero.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Take on the homeless psycho problem

Another week and another crazy lunatic shoves an unsuspecting hard
working immigrant in front of a subway track barreling into the
station. I know this isn't popular amongst both the cost cutters, the
civil liberty types or the liberal weenies but it is time to do
something about these crazed psychos. I said a long time ago that
homelessness is not a financial situation but a psychological one,
there are plenty of options for the unemployed and/or poor but what
the vast majority of homeless people are, is a person with serious
psychological and emotional issues. I am not particularly referring
to your shelter living types or the ones who turn to churches for help
but rather the ones who make a conscious decision to live in the
streets. The types with three shopping carts full of garbage who
smell like rotting fleshes. There is no reason that these people
should not be institutionalized civil liberties aside becauase they
are a clear danger to society as they prove over and over again
Now any veteran New Yorker knows to stay away from the subway track
especially if there is one of these homeless people in the station.
This becomes second nature for anybody who rides the trains regularly
and is similar to keeping money out of plain view or why women turn
their engagement rings around when walking down a dark street but
that's not enough.

Time to get some protection for the average Joe looking to make a living

Friday, December 28, 2012

Take on the new/old Pepsi

So Pepsi is reinventing itself by going back to the very patriotic
red, white and blue (and yellow) labels as it embarks on yet another
chapter in the great cola wars. Obviously Coca Cola has sort of tried
moving back and forth between the original and the new recipes with
only moderate success but what really gets me is that in a day and age
when they are all trying to outdo each other on one front when it
comes to Limited Calorie options (diet coke, pepsi one, coke zero,
pepsi light etc) that Pepsi is seemingly attacking Coke on another
front at the same time with openly embracing the sugar thing on
another front.
I realize that real sugar might be better than high fructose corn
syrup but with a country with a combination of a gigantic obesity
issue and a dwindling education system wouldn't it be smarter to hide
the "real sugar" thing as opposed to marketing it?
Plus it only makes this new/old Pepsi sound sweeter which is odd
because it's already a banana cream pie to Coke's turnip. Then again
they probably did their research and know their audience. Although
all those Pepsi stakeholders better hope this customer base doesn't
keep over on the way down the grocery store aisle

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Take on the food choices at Port Authority

Is there a less appetizing place in the world than Port Authority.
Between the homeless people passed out with vomit on their shirts, the
miserable commuters coughing on one another and the transit workers
pissing all over the seats the place just screams filth. So if the
Port Authority is the place you'd least like to have lunch than the
Cafe Motor on the 2nd floor has to be the least appetizing restaurant
in the least appetizing place on the world
I swear they are still serving the same meat patties I used to buy
after boxing 15 years ago. Mind you I am not saying the same type of
beef patties but literally the same ones are still sitting in the
display case from 1998.
I cannot for the life of me think of a good reason this place is still
in business other than it is laundering money cause for you to spend
your hard earned money at this place must mean you had a particular
type of death wish...death by voluminous ass diarrhea which funny
enough I almost died from myself this week

So instead of buying a ten year old beef patty from Cafe Motor I opted
for a $5.49 slice of cheesesteak pizza from some other joint called
Villa and sadly I don't think I am better off

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Take on the Christmas stomach bug

It's official... I am allergic to Christmas. Maybe it's the
undercooked sausage, maybe it was that my aunt didn't wash her hands
before making Cheescake, maybe drinking egg- nog with an expiration
date of 2010 was a bad idea, maybe it is the fact my house looks like
a tornado ran through it or maybe I just hate December 25th
They are all viable options to why I have been pissing out of my ass
all day, why I feel like I did 10 shots of rail gin but one thing is
for sure, I feel like death and my kid does too.
So screw santa and screw the Christmas spirit cause all signs of
holiday goodness flusher down with a roll of Charmin today

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Take on the car antlers

There are a lot of things I hate about Christmas but there are not
many things I hate more than those stupid reindeer antlers that people
put on their cars. Dude it's 2013, you are in your forties and you
drive a $40k car, might be time to not drive around looking like a
These are the same idiots that show up wearing a Santa hat and an ugly
Christmas sweater which is a good thing because if the apocalypse does
come I know who I am taking out first

Monday, December 24, 2012

Take on Christmas gifts

I used to love Christmas, not just as a kid but also as an adult. I
happily listened to Christmas music, was excited to buy friends and
family gifts and really took in the spirit of the season. Then I one
day I stopped loving it and started to despise it. Maybe it was the
fact that we would routinely spend $1000 on gifts, maybe it was that
I'd leave the season with a garage full of crap I didn't ask for and
certainly didn't want or maybe it was because at some point it just
stopped being about Christmas and was only about who could spoil which
kid the most.
Long gone are the days when the Holidays were about thoughtful
presents, long gone are the genuine hugs after a gift exchange and
long gone is the magic of Christmas. Now my kid gets a bag full of
clothes, boxes of plastic toys and more stocking stuffers than I got
regular presents as a kid. She doesn't appreciate them anymore
because there are so many of them that by the time she rips open her
15th box she is numb to it.
I just wish people could realize that kids can be spoiled by a
thoughtful gift or gasp spending time with them not just trying to
outdo everybody else with quantity of gift

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Take on indigestion

Years ago I'd leave a Christmas party feeling miserable because of the
amount of booze I consumed, promising myself I'd never get that
hammered again. Obviously I hardly ever heeded my own advice and
would put myself right back in the same spot at the next event which
I'd follow up with the same promise to myself
Too much alcohol is hardly ever the problem anymore but that doesn't
mean I leave happy. Last night I must have been up for two hours
tossing and turning because of terrible indigestion because as opposed
to too much whiskey this year I overdosed on fried food

I think I'd rather be hungover

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Take on the speaker phone option

There are many things I don't understand but one of the biggest ones
is why people, mostly old ones, feel the need to use a speaker phone
option while walking down the aisles in the supermarket. You have a
phone with an earpiece which works perfectly well, if you don't want
to feel restricted you can opt for a Bluetooth or corded headset but
instead these seniors all feel the need to broadcast their wife's
Christmas grocery list to the entire A&P store.
So as I am trying to choose between two types of organic tomatoes, I
am forced to hear Big Joe describe the merits of one cantaloupe
against another with his wife sitting in her living room on the other
side of town

Friday, December 21, 2012

take on the NRA

Can somebody please tell me why an average person needs to have a weapon intended for the theater of war?    Like we have said many times on this blog, there is a clear difference with a hunting rifle and an Uzi and that difference should not be taken lightly in the same reason why we don't have the people driving through the streets in tanks and carrying anti-aircraft missiles on their shoulder.   
After the NRA Facebook page and Twitter accounts went dark last week, I really thought that we had finally come to a period where we could have honest discourse but like most everything in 2012 the thought of civilized debate is gone.    How tone death is the NRA to put all the blame on last Friday's travesty on video games and none of the fact we are arming mentally disturbed people with guns that can take out 100 people in a minute.    Then they have the audacity to say that there aren't enough guns in classrooms.  
if this is the America they envision they have to realize that this is very different than what the rest of us are looking for.   A classroom is no place for a gun regardless if it's being wielded by a good-guy or bad-guy and the concept of the National School Shield Emergency Response Program is sickening especially since it was proposed three hours after a moment of silence for the victims in that terrible tragedy.. I don't have any interest in my daughters going to a school where the lunch lady is packing heat even if she's doing it to protect the kids she is feeding.   

What was most comical was that instead of looking at themselves honestly they put all the blame on Hollywood and Xbox and  brought some video game up nobody has ever heard of called 'kindergarten killer'.  Obviously this game is sick but this is like blaming all US policy on immigration based on what one guy from the KKK thinks.

The NRA has 4.3 million members and somehow when it comes to guns they speak for 300million plus.    There are many surveys that the average NRA member believes that a ban on assault weapons is sensible and many will tell you that we need to get away from the gunshow loopholes but somehow the fringe of the fringe is able to carry the conversation nationwide.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Take on the germaphobe

When a buddy sent put the following link ( for some kind of super hygienic beveled cup it started a major debate amongst the interweb buddies.  These guys are all completely OCD'd that it immediately spawned a who is the bigger germaphobe, a title they wear proudly.   These guys can't take a shit outside of their own houses, wear rubbers when they go to a urinal and  will take painstaking efforts to use only their no jerkoff hand to hold on during a subway ride.   I have no doubt in my mind the reason I never get sick is because I am not afraid to touch the world 
The funny thing is that I never even realized that keeping a cup upside down or it  up was something people paid attention to.  I cannot for the life of me think of a scenario where I would waste even a second of my life to being afraid of some potential germ sitting on the surface of a cabinet shelf.  I drink coffee from gas stations, I will drop a pretzel on the street pick it up and eat it, I would lick the subway cart handle for $50 so I will not worry about a little collected dust in a coffee cup.  

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Take on the whitehouse petitions

I'm all for freedom but how deaf people have to be after Newtown is
unreal. I logged onto the WeThePeople website where citizens can
petition the federal government directly. If they ca get 25,000
online signatures the White House responds Out of the 20 or so
petitions on the first page there must be 14 of them threatening the
government from taking their guns away.
I particularly loved the one titled "we petition the Obama
administration to ensure the 2nd amendment cant (sic) be infringed
upon in anyway limiting citizens ability to defend against tyrannical
My first thought is that before you get on your soap box you may want
to make sure you are grammatically correct but the more important one
is that this one is about a third of the way from having to be
acknowledged by the White House
I am sure that these are the same people who will rally against the
federal government inefficiency which is obviously pretty ironic
considering this is exactly the type of action that causes
But more importantly can somebody explain in what world outside of
Mark Levin's mind there is this tyrannical governmental threat. I
get that there are decisions and directions that go counter to the
beliefs of a large group of Americans but I do not believe anybody in
their right mind really see it as true tyranny
But then again I don't wear tin-foil on my head

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Take on the door hold

Chivalry isn't exactly dead but I definitely thing some of them have to be looked at.    One of them is the crazy situation when a guy and a girl walk up to a door that pushes in..  The dude either has to cut the woman off to push the door open and then hold it once he gets inside OR he has to do that awkward holding door thing where he's standing outside but pushing the door open with his arm over the threshold.   
What is even more awkward and isn't exactly chivalry is when two people come to a door at the same time.. I think it should be pretty obvious that the person who has the door swing open his way should be the one who gives way..  This happened to me today as I walked out of a restaurant and the dude walking into the restaurant opened the door and walked right in.. First of all this means that the two of us get squeezed into the tight front hallway where we have to do this gay-man shuffle to get past each other having to decide between the equally awkward unit-to-unit, ass to ass or unit to ass shuffle position..  PLUS it also means that there is no way he can hold the door open which means I get both felt up and a door slam into my face.

Monday, December 17, 2012

take on mental illness

Last week's tragedy was so heartbreaking because like all of these mass murders it was an attack against innocents but this time it was also an attack against innocence.   As a father of two I cannot imagine the pain and suffering I would go through and quite honestly I don't know how I would have the strength to go on.    For four days the eyes of a nation and the world have been on this small town and the chatter from everywhere is how to make sure this is the last time this will ever happened.   Everybody will want to make this a gun-law issue but at its heart it's not.   Gun laws are too lax and there is no reason any civilian should be carrying around intended for the theater of war and it's our responsibility to make sure that we keep this kind of weapon out of the hands of all citizens.   There is no justifiable reason for anybody to be allowed to carry this type of weapon of mass destruction just like there is no reason to allow somebody to drive a tank or carry an anti-aircraft missile.   An assault weapon bill should be signed into law before we toast the New Year.

But this at its core is not a gun issue, it's one of mental illness and untreated mental illness plays out in many ways, most of it destructive and some of it catastrophic.  What is obvious is that limiting the access to these types of weapons will limit the destruction but nobody should be under the impression it will eliminate them. 

What our energy should be focused on is finding the type of person who could act be prone to this type of behavior.  For four days (or for 15 years) we have tried to figure out what caused this, we have seen interviews with friends and family, we have tried to find reason, we have poured over high-school transcripts and we have tried to profile the killer.   What is clear is that there is no reason for the behavior but there is a profile.   They are almost always white males from somewhat affluent backgrounds who believe they are being bullied/treated unfairly.  But the most important trait is that people like Adam Lanza, Seung-Hui Cho, Dylan Klebold, Eric Harris, James Holmes and Jared Loughner each suffered from mental-illness which in no ways is an excuse but might shine a light on what we should be looking for.   

Mental illness will find ways to boil-over and Adam Lanza would have found a way to bring destruction, limiting his ability to get an automatic weapon would have limited the casualties but nobody should believe it would have eliminated them.   I'm not excusing his (or any of his predecessors) behavior and I do NOT think that this kind of mental illness deserves our sympathy but we should know that just like we as a country failed in our job to protect our citizens by allowing these types of weapons to be available; we also failed in our job to properly assess and treat (and institutionalize) mental illness.    

This is an issue that comes down to freedom because as a free country we believe it's every person's right to free will but this is exactly where we fail.   A person who shows major psychological problems should NEVER be allowed to walk the streets let alone buy/handle/borrow/carry an Uzi.   We need to find a way to identify, treat and watch people with these levels of psychosis and we can't be afraid to spend money to make sure we are providing them the "care" they (and we) need for their protection and ours.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Take on the Barclays Center

I love Brooklyn, lived there got almost a decade and not a day goes by
that I don't miss the place. What I don't miss is the traffic and the
subway and what I am glad I never got to experience is the Barclays
Center. I get that it's good for business and that it allows the
borough to have it's own sports identity but they really could not
have chosen and uglier design.

Whenever I drive down Atlantic avenue and get my first glimpse of it
again, I am floored. It looks like a gigantic space-ship landed in
downtown Brooklyn and brought JayZ with them. I always heard about
how quaint Ebbets Field was but quaint is the last description you
would give this monstrosity. Not only is it am eye-sore, it also
dominates the entire area although granted that corner was filled with
the crappiest collection on electronic stores, outlet furniture joints
and terrible tile stores so it's not like it replaced a memorable part
of Brooklyn. It is just that it doesn't feel natural. Unlike other
cities with Arenas, the area is too crowded, too congested and too
busy and this building only makes you feel more claustrophobic

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Take in smokers

My New Years resolution this year will be to have less sympathy for smokers which will be difficult considering how little respect and sympathy I have for them now.  It just  seems that if in 2013 you are still smoking you are either stupid or total white trash.   Obviously everybody is well aware of the health risks at this point so continuing to smoke is a complete death wish and most people have so much less true sympathy for somebody who did it to themselves when they knew the risks.   Every time somebody gets diagnosed with lung cancer the first question always is whether they smoked, if the answer is affirmative the mood goes immediately from 100% sympathy to about 50%.  
The second part is that it has become such social outcast behavior and seeing a bunch of nicotine fiends freezing their asses off outside of there office buildings is a sight which brings a smile to my face.  That these idiots are willing to stand in freezing cold rain to get a couple of drags just shows how pathetic the entire thing has become.     Long gone are the Don Draper days now it's a bunch of folks huddled up like the pathetic low lives they are 
But mostly the people who you still are smoking are the people who can probably least afford it literally and figuratively.   They are the slobs living on $25k per year and dropping $70 a week on cigarettes and whose idea of a healthy meal is only ordering two quarter pounders. 

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, December 14, 2012

Take on the odd Christmas gift

I like Christmas as much as anybody but what I really can't stand is
how everything has to become a Christmas spirit. Between the 24 hour
Christmas carols, Christmas cards from every supplier of boxes, paper,
packing supplies know to man and all the half assed "happy holidays"
that are thrown around it can't be worse. but the thing i cannot
stand is have all the normal standard items which are now decked out
in red and white like the cups at McDonalds, the packaging all over
the supermarket and all the shirts in the stores

Just look at this thong I got as a stocking stuffer from the waiter
from my favorite Irish pub on 45th street. I don't know if I should
thank him, bend him over or puke

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Take on SnapChat

My much hipper than me sister-in-law was telling me (or yelling at me)
about some new craze called snapchat which as far as I can tell is a
new iOS app which allows you to talk with people while sending
pictures of yourself. I'm not 100% sure why this is cool or necessary
considering you could stream yourself using FaceTime or Skype but if
this is what the hipsters in Billyburgh think is cool then who am I to
say otherwise. I don't know hip but i do know weird looking chicks
so when
I clicked on the website, I was just frightened at the
look of the two broads on the front page.
I guess the theory is that because they ate blond and kind of young we
are supposed to believe they are hot but a closer look tells you
otherwise. First of all they both have crazy in their eyes which for a
wild night with too much JD sounds like fun but for a website they
look like they are possessed
Secondly when you zoom in the one chick becomes so not hot. Between
her thirteen chins, a weird mark on her chin and some kind of weird
growth in her mouth she looks like a castoff from Aliens
Keep your mouth open honey cause the way your career is going you
might be doing a lot more of that...while on your knees

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

take on the TOR comment section

I realize that the entire blogger platform probably isn't Google's biggest money maker which is obvious when you see how little they care about spammers..  We realize TOR isn't ever going to be the most visited website and we'll grovel to almost any level for any readership but the influx of comments we are getting are now is encouraging.. well that is till you realize that they are almost exclusively from spammers trying to sell us Viagra, pushing debt refinancing or asking about our credit-score..

I realize we can change the settings to only allow people who are registered to comment but that seems a bit Germany in the late 30's.. We believe in freedom of speech and are willing to accept some junk.. but it would be nice if these 100,000 google servers powered by horse meat and gerbil spin wheels could get to this problem because it's seriously starting to cramp our style

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Take on the lines at Port Authority

Years ago I used to take the bus to New Jersey cursing every second of
the experience but if I could somehow get back to those days now I'd
kiss the Port Authority floor. That is because 15 years ago it was
an awful experience but at least you could get onto a bus within 15
minutes. Today the waits are absolutely endless with lines often
stretching 200 or more people. Please realize that the average bus
holds less than 80 people so when there are 200 people in front of you
it takes three full buses to pass you before you can get onto one.
This is the cruelest of ironies because you wait on line in one of the
most miserable places on line to take one of the most miserable modes
of transportation to get to the armpit of America

No wonder I take the ferry almost every day

Monday, December 10, 2012

Take on those Aussie Shock jocks

All weekend I've been hearing about those two "shock jocks" from
Australia whose prank phone call to some hospital inquiring about Kate
Middleton's pregnancy lead to suicide for some nurse or orderly. I
hate to see stupid people die as much as anybody but the fact that
these guys are being unfairly thrown to the wolves

I get that when somebody dies, people want to lay blame but come on
this is insulting.

It's insulting for two reasons
- calling these guys shock-jocks is a total insult to real
shock-jocks. These guys are like the Melrose version of Elvis Duran.
- the fact that this call even got through is ludicrous. They kept
yelling "throw another shrimp on the barby" and this broad believed it

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Take on new tolls

Driving across the bridge last night I noticed that they had raised
the tolls again. It's not THAT long ago when they went from $2 to $4
and I remember them saying that it wouldn't raise again but like
anything the government touches, it just becomes a complete money pit.
I don't know where all of if goes but I'm sure that wages haven't
increased by more then 600% since it was $2 in the 80's to $13 today.
I get trying to limit the amount of people during peak hours and
granted the rates are SLIGHTLY lower on the weekends. Don't we want
to incentivize people to try to spend money, go to Broadway, eat at
restaurants but it you are banging them for $13 that may limit the
amount of people coming into the city.

What is even more ludicrous is that you are still banged for almost
fifteen bucks if you need to go to CT. You aren't even making it into
NYC. You would think the Cross Bronx is punishment enough

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Take on the Santa picture

There is no event which bring me less holiday cheer than  having your kid meet Santa for a picture.     Between the endless line, the makeshift living room and the grump behind the white beard the entire event just reeks of bad marketing.    Not only are there just way too many kids all of whom have to wait patiently stuffed into too tight a space but when you finally get up to meet the jolly fellow you realize he reeks of cigarettes, hookers and whiskey and the fat fuck couldn't be bothered to show your kid even the slightest bit of genuine attention cause he is too busy barking orders at the underlings in the tights 
You would think that in a rough economy  these 60 year overweight slobs whose entire resume is sitting around acting like a pervert would appreciate the work but they all seem like they're being asked to work in a Siberian Death camp.   I can't think of many other gigs where you can show up unshaven and the job description says you need a belly hanging over your pants while you take swigs of Jack from a reindeer shaped coffee mug

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, December 7, 2012

Take on the city Christmas Tree racket

There really is nothing more depressing than to see the racket that
has become the NYC Christmas tree business. The entire concept is
based on preying on the desperation of sleep deprived parents trying
to bring some holiday cheer to the otherwise miserable lives of their
snot nosed Ritalin abusing kids. I walked past a bodega today on 23rd
and 3rd and was appealed at the for feet of lifeless branches they
were charging $40 for. I am keenly aware of this ripoff having
spent $100 for a city 'tree' two years ago which looked like it had
gone through Chernobyl. Honestly the moss covered, covered in dog
piss, fungus riddled bushes they get away with calling trees is
criminal but then again the city is full of suckers hoping to become
one with nature

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Take on new porn

A buddy noted the other day that we grew up in the real renaissance of porn   Not so much for the quality but more by the way it's delivered.  He said that years ago a guy like me would have had to resort to the indignity of buying pornography at the gas station as opposed to being able to stream it for free online at any number of tube sites

I reminded him that though today I am not forced into the undignified  slums of the gas station selection but that I was a veteran of this type having more than just a few experiences with buying porn at bodegas, gas stations and magazine stands in Penn Station
I am the one who first brought to light the ridiculousness  of the three-pack.  You get one copy of jugs, one copy of penthouse letters and in between them you get something called Family Matters which for those who haven't been privy is a magazine devoted to incest
So yes Zed I have been through the indignity of this   

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Take on the rickshaw biker (again)

There are some days in my life when I really enjoy the misery of
others and today is one of those days. Walking on 6th avenue I caught
a rickshaw bike thing get pulled over and honestly I couldn't have
been happier. Not because I like to see some working stuff get
ticketed but because those guys are complete menaces on the road. I
didn't see exactly what he did but I am sure it involved riding up on
the sidewalk and neatly killing a young mother

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Take on Big Disney Brother

I have had strep throat twice in a month which is still better than
having to go to Disney World twice in the same period. One of the
reasons i hate the Happiest Place on Earth is because the entire place
just reeks of faux happiness. They greet you with a smile all while
banging you for $250 per night for a room no better than the Holiday
Inn Express. The Magic Mickey Express that brings you from The
Orlando to the resorts is like riding on a school bus to hell with 80
kids screaming "it's a small world after-all" at the top of their
little lungs all while I try to poke an ice pick into my ear-drum
But what really gets me is the fact that they prevent you from
accessing any porn. I am a grown man, living in a supposedly free
country where I am supposed to be able to exert free will yet when I
am under the great eye of Walt I cannot log onto redtube or XNXX or
youporn and it's completely ridiculous. Why do we send young men and
women to fight tyranny and evil across the globe if I can't even get
15 minutes of MILF lesbian action

Monday, December 3, 2012

Take on the TSA Pre line

Can somebody explain to me why they have a TSA Pre line at LaGuardia
but aren't actually letting people who are signed up for the program
use it? I am a card carrying member of the Global Entry program,
have been interviewed for pre-screening by TSA officials, have had all
my travels over the last five years poured over by some super computer
and have used the Global Entry kiosks five times already yet when I
show up to LGA they tell me the TSA Pre line is randomly selected.
The funny thing is that there is nothing in the TSA literature that
says anything about randomly selected, all it says is that when
available you can use it which in this case it was but I wasn't

Just another way for the man keeping the other man down

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Take on the Sam Seasonal

I am a total sucker for seasonal beers especially now that I only
drink once every few weeks. I go to dinner last night and as there
was a wait (welcome to the burbs), I decided to belly up against the
bar to watch a couple of college football highlights and put down a
few brewha's. The bartender showed me his draught menu and of course
I gravitated towards the Sam Winter Ale with all the Christmas lights
out and the chill in the air.
The problem is that all these Sam seasonals are decent going down but
the next morning i always feel like somebody is reenacting the
Revolutionary War in my stomach although I am happy to report the
little engine that could from Massachusets is taking down the big fat
European slob


Saturday, December 1, 2012

Take on the Republican Psychos

Saw an article about some dude who got a Romney-Ryan tattoo on his
face looking to get it removed after realizing that it may not have
been such a great idea after all. One of the complaints the guy had
was that he was annoyed the campaign never reached out to him after
getting it done.

You can't blame the Romney campaign for running as far away from this
psycho even though you would hope they would have taken that same
approach with the wackos in the Tea party and the born-agains

How the hell is the Republican Party ever going to be taken seriously
if they are so influenced by a bunch of guys who believe that Fred
Flintstone really slid down that brontosauruses back.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Take on the Cheesecake Factory

Last week when I asked my nephew where he wanted to eat, he screamed
out "The Cheesecake Factory". I happily obliged and was pretty
interested being that I hadn't been there in about a decade. I was
obviously afraid of the long line especially around Christmas time but
when you go to a chain restaurant and the hour and a half wait is NOT
the worst thing that happened to you then you know you are in trouble

We ordered a couple of standard menu items including some chicken
pasta dish and some grilled tuna. I swear that it had to be one of
the worst meals I have ever had, it wasn't extra greasy or
particularly unappetizing but it was just so not good. The tuna
tasted like I was chewing on a human hand, it had virtually no taste
at all. The pasta chicken thing tasted like straight out of the can
Fettuccine Alfredo. How the hell are there 500 suburbanites lined up
outside of this place 7 days per week? The food is beyond terrible,
the selection uninspiring, the service awful and the experience
regrettable all for a price of $100 for a family of four

Next time I'm going to White Mannas

Thursday, November 29, 2012

taking on the Hostess compensation

when I saw a blazing headline in today's Daily News about the huge pay compensation being received by 19 executives at Hostess as the company lays of 18,000 workers I was angered.

Not angered because of the pay package but angered at the ridiculousness of the faux outrage.

The 19 executives would be receiving a compensation of $1.8 million dollars in bonuses which the company claims was necessary to keep them on during the liquidation process.  I'm not going to argue whether this was necessary but rather that the total amount per person is hardly something to really make a stink out of

What pissed me off was that this comes out to a whopping $94,736 per executive which is hardly outlandish especially considering the process could take a year or so, hardly the 1% the Occupy Wall Street rallied against.     If paying somebody less than $100k for this work brings national outrage then I'd like to see what happens the next time Goldman or Morgan Stanley sends one of their execs off with a golden parachute of $100 million dollars

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Take in the automatic towel dispenser

Is there anything more disgusting than those bathroom automatic cloth
towel dispensers. I know they are probably environmentally friendly
and not having to touch anything is positive but there is just no way
that you are getting your hands onto a truly clean towel. I have no
idea how many yards of cotton are supposedly packed into those things
but the machines are not big at all so I am completely convinced that
they are sold as 'self cleaning' which like an oven basically means
you are eating yesterday's meatloaf in today's ziti

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Take one the Sunday Treadmill Driver

There are not many things I despise more than having one hour to
exercise and showing up at the gym to find all the treadmills taken.
Now I love to see people working out because a commitment to a healthy
lifestyle will only benefit me by not having to look at grossly obese
people but when it interferes with my own workout schedule it annoys
the piss out of me. But worse than not getting onto a treadmill is
being blocked by some chick walking on one while talking to a friend,
speaking on her cell or worse yet reading a book. What the fuck
bitch, your cottage cheese thighs aren't going to get any less dimpled
if you are walking at such a leisurely pace that you can actually read
a book. If you think you can work out without breaking a sweat you
are wasting your own, and more importantly my, time

So scoot on over and let somebody who actually gives a crap about
living till the are 65 have a chance

Monday, November 26, 2012

Take on De Gaul

One of the things that really gets me about flying into Paris is
having to come into the hellhole called Charles De Gaul airport. I
am convinced they have been working on upgrading this airport for 15
years already and still there are scaffolds everywhere, detours at
every turn and the most asinine terminal numbering system known to
man. First they use letters for terminals and often you will see
signs only for terminals A-B-C-D-F-G with no sign whatsoever of
terminal E. Then to make it more complicated they also have different
numbers in front of some of the terminals so there are terminals 2E
and 2D whose relationship to normal E and D I cannot figure out. But
what is the worst the the small signs they have for said terminals.
Just look at the size of the notation for 2E on the sign, you may as
well wrote it in brail

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Take on. Terrible look

Is there a worst dressed demographic than middle aged Korean women,
I'd like to know. Between the big white visors, the Nike hightops and
the bouffants they definitely have a distinguishable look although
what they lack in style they seem to make up in flamboyance. When you
walk through the Seoul airport it's like walking into the scariest
looking all clown circus with all the sequenced colors and purple

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Take on the Thanksgiving desert line

On Wednesday on my way into work I got caught behind a line in the
middle of 43rd street. By the look of preppy white people standing on
line I was sure that Apple had released a new IPhone or there was a
new Maroon 5 CD out but instead when I finally got past the 45 or so
people I realized they were all waiting online for some Thanksgiving
desert. See there is a place called the Little Pie Company on 43rd
street and apparently your white yuppy friends will look down upon you
if you won't wait for 45 minutes to get a pumpkin pie for their
Thanksgiving feast so these idiots stand in line for ever so that they
can walk in with a box emblazoned with LPC on it even though you just
know that nobody will remember when it gets thrown onto a table with a
thousand other diabetes causing options

Friday, November 23, 2012

Take on Black Friday

Thanksgiving is a holiday which many people call the quintessential
American holiday which is probably because it's a two days of
gluttony, family tension and idiots standing on line at 3am go get a
new DVD player.
When I logged onto the DailyNews today I was already predicting what
kind of idiot injuries happened last night when stores opened for
Black Friday and really thought about one thing which is that this
should be a great day for shopping but that these idiot retailers
fueled by a rabid consumer base of crazies have ruined it for
everybody. I thought about running to Target for a couple of
lightbulbs and some garbage bags but when I saw that there was a
noticeable police presence standing around the jammed parking lot I
skipped it. I need a new pair or jeans but honestly would rather jam
an ice-pick into my urethra than even attempt going to The Gap

I would love to see a bunch of stores band together with an anti Black
Friday sale. No deals, no discounts and normal hours. I bet they
would bring in a bunch of people who just want to avoid the crazies...
I know I do

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Take on the bomb

It serves me right for having three day old cold meatball pizza for
breakfast but when I got on the ferry yesterday I felt my stomach
grumble and knew what it could mean. It's a 14 minute ferry ride and
we were no more than two minutes into it and I knew I'd keel over if I
tried to hold it so I let her rip and rip it did.
I swear the stink of the diesel burning engines didn't stand a chance
because the entire boat now smelled like my small intestines
I of course immediately turned around and put my face into shirt and
starts loudly complaining how somebody could be so rude

But as they say who smelled it probably dealt it

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Take on the ceasefire

I was very happy to see a ceasefire negotiated today with the help of
princess pantsuit to end the violence gripping the Middle East for the
last eight days. We will reserve judgement for causes, avoid empty
solutions and just say we are thankful for what we can only hope to be
lasting ceasefire
Our criticism has to be about the concept of these negotiated
ceasefire deals because what always strikes me and did again today was
that the ceasefire would begin at 9pm local time but this was
announced at about 7pm local time.
What this tells me is that in other words for the next two hours get
your licks in and make the count because you won't be allowed at each
other's throats for a a while. It's almost like what happens at the
bottom of a rugby scrum. You can play all the grab-ass and yank at
each other's sacks as much as you want as long as the whistle hasn't

Why can't a ceasefire begin immediately? I get that getting word to
the fighters at the front line might be difficult and mot
instantaneous but if shouldn't take hours to get word out with
everybody carrying a cell phone. The Israeli pilots have the most
sophisticated equipment in their jets, i cannot believe an "abort
mission" message couldn't come across and the Palestinians must have
ways to get their message to the front lines quicker than it takes me
to drive to Hartford on Thanksgiving traffic

Christ if the paparazzi catches Kanye bending Kim over in a park that
picture is retweeted 10000 times within five minutes so if these
leaders were honestly if you were truly concerned bout saving lives
you would demand it begin right away

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Take on dog strollers

I will never understand people who treat (and probably believe) that
their dog is a child. I am seeing these crazy chicks (it almost
always seems to be something a woman does) pushing their dogs in
strollers at an incredible pace lately and honestly this is the kind
of crazy I just don't understand. This is after-all a dog who would
benefit from actually walking after having been stuck in your shoebox
apartment for hours. It would be one thing if these mutts had broken
legs or were incredibly old but these broads at pushing what appears
to be completely healthy canines around Manhattan.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Take on

I'm listening to Hannity today and hear a commercial for some new
product he is hawking called foodinsurance which I guess is designed
for the true crazies. This service insures your food in case of a
blackout which seems sensible if the option of NOT buying a bunch of
refrigerated food before a pending storm wasn't an option. How the
hell is anybody going to expect people who have this "insurance" from
not stocking up on filet mignons, caviar and g-beer before a storm and
basically bankrupting the entire system

The other advantage apparently has to do with the company guaranteeing
that they will get you replacement food when a blackout hits which is
very helpful if you don't have a working fridge to store said food

Anyway you people with your generators, backup generators,
flashlights, fish tanks full of water and bunkers of ammunition really
need to get our more

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Take on women's fashion

Ladies please pay attention because this should change your life

I was asked the other day if it was appropriate for a woman to wear
pantsuit to a job interview and the answer was emphatically NO!! It
comes across as a pathetic attempt to come across as assertive and
will make any potential employer think you are one of 'those women'.
It's like a woman thinks she is going to trick her potential employer
with androgyny to take any thought of sexuality away when in fact she
is only making herself look like she is dressed in bologna skin

Pant suits were invented to empower women to put them on par with
their male counterparts but making a woman look like a pear squeezed
into cheap polyester will never do that. A suit is made to fit a man
so unless you are trying to look like a man you should find something
that accentuates your form

A woman in a professional setting should opt for a below the knee line
skirt, a nice top and some subtle makeup. Dress like you mean it,
want the job and can handle yourself around egotistical men but do it
dressed like a chick. Now don't go thinking that because we don't
want you dressing like a blimp you should instead dress like a street
walker in a micro-mini and fluorescent red lipstick

But if you are not going to heed my warning then at least stay away
from the sequences colored ones because a woman in baby blue pantsuit
makes you look either like a mental patient or a menopausal Korean
woman, neither of which is a look you should be going for.

if you feel the need to add color then accessorize by adding a purple
scarf, yellow leather purse or a red thong, because you look like a
goddamn parade float with your double sized hips squeezed into your
line green suit

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Take on the best thing that ever happened in this country

When I are a business closing down and laying off workers it might
sadden some But when I saw Hostess was threatening to close shop i
was thrilled not because I want to see good healthy businesses close
but because when a business is not healthy and cannot sustain itself
it shouldn't be propped up by anybody. A business needs to be allowed
to breath but we also have to realize it has a lifeline and in any
life there is a beginning and an end, I give you one chance to get out
but after that you are on your own

Forget it that isn't even remotely the reason I was happy... The
reason is that you people are disgusting with you gluttonous behavior.
It frightens me to think how unhealthy a life you lead, how little
you value your own body to stuff it full of artificial cream which is
artificially stuffed into an artificial pastry. Twinkies, YoYo's
and Wonder Bread may be as American as baseball, apple pie and
diabetes but it probably wouldn't hurt anybody to break the stereotype
of the American who is too fat to walk to the end of his fat driveway

These lard eating lards are the reason health care pricing is out of
control because they cannot control themselves by shoving sugar in
their fat mouths
So I am sorry for the 18,500 people whose jobs are gone but I'm happy for me

Friday, November 16, 2012

Take on the town bandit

There are crimes and then there are crimes.  I know the Giuliani doctrine always called for major action against all levels of crime so that criminals realize there is no fuzzy line between graffiti and murder and it seems to have done wonders in NYC. 

But with that said there still are levels of crime which hit closer to home sometimes literally like what happened to me this week.   There are victimless crimes but this was not one of them and we must do everything in our power to catch the perpetrators of this, the most heinous of crimes 

Here is the backstory
I put out my recycling two nights ago on the proper night making sure I follow protocol by putting it out only after 7pm.  I had my two semi full blue recycling cans provided to me by the town neatly placed side by side at the edge of our driveway and never put much thought to it again. That is until I got back yesterday afternoon and noticed that where there were once two there now stood only one blue receptacle.   I looked up and down the street, checked my neighbors driveway and rechecked my garage to make sure I had not left it there last night
After a frantic search I realized what I already felt deep in my heart...I had been victimized and victimized by the lowest form of crime, the type aimed at somebody doing their duty as a citizen of Earth doing his best to protect it

Immediately I returned home and started putting together a list if possible suspects:  the retired teacher across the street with the impeccable hedges, the old lady on the corner with the white cat, the young family with the play-yard and the guy suspected of attempted mass-murder  in the brick house up the street all seemed likely candidates.   
I decided to stake out the neighborhood last night, dressed in full black ninja gear and a baby bjorn as I observed the actions of those around me.  There were some signs of shady behavior like the guy with the big husky who I wasn't sure cleaned all the dog crap off the sidewalk or any of the characters walking out of the house across the street which we had long suspected as a safe-haven for illegals making their way up to Canada but so far none of my leads have turned up anything.  i am not giving up and when I do find the culprit it will be time for some serious vigilante justice 

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Taking on chicks pinstripe pants

Ladies take the following advice and thank me later and before you get pissed you should realize this is Coming from a man who has exceptionally fat thighs himself and should heed his own warnings

If you aren't at least a size 2 you should never wear pinstripe pants.  Pinstripes are like drawing a road map on your cellulite covered ass, they show off every imperfection and if you are 5'4" and anything heavier than 110 pounds you should do us all a favor and not expose us to that.  I have nothing against a little meat on your bones but pinstripes make your ass look like your bending the time-space continuum which is sort of ironic since that's kind of what happens when you look into a black-hole which your ass might as well be with the amount of sugar that disappears into it
those pinstripes stretched so far it looks like you are staring at one of those 3D posters all the kids had in their freshmen dorms

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Take in the ICloud sync

I bought the new IPhone 5 about a month ago and having backed up to
the ICloud was told how rest it would be to sync all my photos from my
old phone wirelessly to my new phone. Well now a full 3.5 weeks
later I am still staring at my camera roll and it states it had only
downloaded 1700 out of 6500 pictures.
The syncing might be seamless but only if your two seams are allowed
to be about 10 yards apart because this is ridiculous