Sunday, April 30, 2017

Take on the campaign style rally

Five months after the American people voted, Trump once again returned to his roots and had a campaign style rally in Harrisburg Pennsylvania. It was notable in two ways, it's not even close to the unofficial start of election time with trump just hitting his 100th day but maybe more notable was it was held to run directly opposed to the White House Correspondence Dinner. I've read it was one of the most divisive speeches ever given by a sitting president with Trump going hard after the main stream media and Democrats.
A buddy asked "did he got back to the build a wall thing? And say that Mexico was going to pay for it?"

Dude, does Journey play Don't Start Believin' when you go see them with their Asian lead singer today?

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Take on the imperial presidency

For eight years we were told about the nefarious imperial presidency of Obama who signed a bunch of Executive Orders only to have Trump basically lap him in just his first 100 days. We were told that the use of Executive Orders proved that Obama doesn't respect the constitution which seemed odd for a constitutional scholar but we don't take these things that seriously. Then yesterday our Dear Leader told FoxNews that our method of governing is maddening and archaic which is a great theory for somebody who'd like to see an imperial presidency and also one who does respect the constitution. Then again this is the same president who doesn't see a lot of value in the idea of an open media, doesn't seem to appreciate the checks and balances and certainly would like to see the judicial branch come down to its knees.

Great guy we hired here

Friday, April 28, 2017

Take on the Reuters interview

Trump had an interview with Reuters yesterday and everybody got caught up with his line about the job being much harder than he thought. This is a man who doesn't like to prep, is lazy with facts and seems to only focus on things he likes to focus on, so the fact this is harder than he expected is not that shocking

What was even less shocking was that in the middle of the interview our president presented the interviewers with maps of the country with the districts that voted for him colored in with red, like he was handing out a kids menu and pack of crayons at TGIFridays. This guy is so consumed with that stupid win, a win which we'll be suffering from for years. I think the chances of him being the president affected the position the most is likely, sadly it's race between him and Nixon.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Take on Jesse Wafters

Much like 95% of the people who got axed by ESPN , I'd never heard of Jesse Watters before yesterday and suspect most of the country hadn't either.   But Watters made a household name for himself when he said that he liked the way Ivanka Trump held a microphone implying she held it the way she would hold his little pinkman. It wasn't just the comment, it was the little wicked smile and the hand motion going up and down as he said it..   This coming on the heels of the Bill O'Reilly and Roger Ailes dismissals certainty wasn't particularly good optics for Foxnews which has been struggling with sexual harassment suits for months.  

We at TOR do appreciate the photo that the NY Times chose to run, nothing like a news organization trolling a (faux) news organization in broad daylight

enjoy your vacation Jesse, with any luck they'll catch you for murder in the first and you'll be able to show Biff how well you'd hold his microphone..

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Take on the Big Red Button

Our president had a big red button installed in the Oval Office to call for a cold coke. This is like those Amazon buttons they keep trying to convince me to buy so that I can easily replace my laundry detergent except instead of some UPS guy dropping off a ridiculously big 12 by 12 box for a small container of Tide. But our president, who looks like he has put on 50 pounds since he started the gig is just getting fatter by the day. There is no way this slob doesn't have diabetes or heart disease or whatever

He's disgusting

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Take on the first 100 days

I'm quite frankly getting sick of all the winning..  I've been winning so much that it's starting to feel like we are losing.

During the campaign, our Dear Leader drummed home the idea of getting more done in his first 100 days than anybody else.   He had a list of things ranging from building a wall to repealing Obamacare to giving all middle school kids pizza for lunch every single day.    Sadly for nobody, none of those promises have actually come true and thus, by Trump's own metrics, his presidency has not been very successful.   Today on the eve of day 100, they put out a list of all sorts of great accomplishments, putting them in context with other presidents through their first 100 days.

The one that stood out more than anything was that he trumps Obama in Executive Orders signed through 100 days.   Trump has had 30 already while the low-energy Obama was only at 11 through 100 days.  

Of course the GOP will embrace this as more winning, even if they have been telling us that Executive Actions are the equivalent of a pact with the devil for the last eight years.   So, I guess we're winning based on the new metrics, losing on the ones we were supposed to care about a few months ago but since our president takes every position, so even when we all lose, he wins.   For a guy who has made (and lost) his money in Casinos, he certainly knows how to be the house.. 

But it does bring up an interesting point, his supporters don't seem to be very idealistic either, look at this stat…  38% of Democrats though bombing Syria under Obama's leadership was a wise decision, that number dropped to 37% under Trump.    Republicans on the other had went from 22% thinking it was sound policy under Obama and 86% thinking it's so now..  

Monday, April 24, 2017

Take on the trials and tribulations of traveling

People keep getting abused on airplanes. Forget the usual complaints of lost luggage, delays, missed connections and crappy food, 2017 has been an incredibly bad year for airline travellers. First you had a couple teenagers thrown off for wearing tights, then some Asian dude got his head beat-in on a United flight, then on an American flight some poor woman holding a baby was smacked by a stroller but those were all nothing compared to what passengers on a Delta flight had to put up with. In the middle of their flight, it was as if their 737 turned into the D train with some psycho walking around playing a wooded instrument for loose change. The entire cabin was held captive by a sideshow Bob looking maniac wielding a clarinet looking saxophone and his easy listening jazz.

Delta's CEO, Richard Anderson, better come out with an apology soon or he'll suffer the same fate the United guy just got.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Take on TrumpMath

Facts, when put through the Trump filter have a tendency to come out sounding a bit  differently. 
Look at this 

A former Trump campaign aid was indicted for human trafficking of a minor (

Using TrumpMath this means some guy in a pizzeria has been running a prostitution ring of 14 year olds 

North Carolina's voter fraud report came out today.  Two dead people voted - actually relatives of two dead people voted for them. For Trump, obviously.  
Using TrumpMath this means that 3 million illegals voted for Hillary 
It's been reported that the Science Day Marches Outdraw Donald Trump's Inauguration
Using TrumpMath this extrapolates to Trump having the largest inauguration of all time 

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Saturday, April 22, 2017

Take on Another brick in the Wall

So the White House now wants to trade funds for a wall nobody wants for healthcare they said is destroying our economy and ask us to all pay for it, it's like we hit the lottery. What is maddening is that we can't afford new schools, roads or highways but we decide that a wall is the most important investment, you can make and you tie it to healthcare nobody can afford to go without

I get the art of the deal, but when that deal turns from Mexicans paying for the wall to us paying for it, it seems the art is being taught by a kindergartner. We've been told Obamacare is the worst thing in the entire world, but now TeamTrump will try to sell us that it's worthwhile in order for them to shove Jeff Sessions's stupid wall shoved in our five-holes

Thanks Trump

Take on Uber

This Wednesday I decide to throw caution into the wind and go with the Uber prescheduled option instead of the normal local cab. I go with the scheduled option because living out in the burbs means that there is no chance there will be a random Uber driver in my area at 6am.
I reserved on Monday, get confirmation on Tuesday and got a notification on Wednesday that Ceasar, my driver, was on the way. I kept my front door open and at 6:05 a Honda CRV drives up my street, I guess he'll pull around and I'd be on my way to JFK within seconds. The problem is that Ceasar decided to call an audible and instead of picking me up and heading to JFK, he cancelled and headed to Franklin Lakes. There I am, bags packed, shoes on and kids kissed and no cab. I dial up Uber again and find only a single driver, Caesar, in my area. I request him again but he immediately turns off his phone and I'm stuck. A half hour later a new driver finally shows up and does drive me to the airport

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Take on the weird foursome

I don't care if my President pals around with celebrities, never have. It's a ridiculously difficult job and if you need to hang with Beyoncé or Marilyn Monroe to make it all feel normal, go nuts. But today it wasn't the celebrities, just the types. You have Kid Rock who is about as bright as a shoe but again that is ok. You have Sarah Palin who I guess is a politician, albeit it not a very good one and then you have Ted Nugent who only a few months ago called for Obama to be hanged. Glad to see these three were invited into the Oval Office, they certainly seem worthy

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Take on the conflict of interest

It was announced today that Exxon would seek a waiver from the US government to work with Russia in exploration and extraction of oil and gas despite US sanctions put in place after Crimea. This, of course, comes as no surprise to this political observer even if the optics right now would make you think twice about asking for this so publicly

But our president doesn't quiet care about optics or the appearance of conflict, the entire Syrian 'outrage' last week was a badly choreographed high school musical to try to throw the dogs off the scent but the dogs aren't going anywhere.
The next bombshell will be the promise of easing sanctions in an audio tape delivered by Carter Page over the summer.

The reason we believe there was an audio tape is because Trump does not use email and would not have put this to paper. This gives him some kind of lame " plausible" out, as there won't ever be a direct paper trail back to him. He dictates all his correspondence and would always claim that his secretary misheard him.
But all of this wouldn't sit well with Putin who wanted some kind of assurance, something more substantive than Flynn winking and smiling at him. So it was likely Putin's demand, to hear it in Trump's own words which put Carter Page on that plane. Putin's no dummy and he knew very well that the intelligence community was listening in to every phone call coming into and out of the Kremlin.

But as we have stated before, even if released we expect the audio tape to be typical Trump, a lot of nothing hidden underneath a lot of bravado and buried in a sea of adjectives. Even if it is very obviously quid pro quo.

But we digress. This is now coming to a head with the the world's biggest oil company asking for those sanctions lifted. This will give them access to the vast oil reserves under Mother Russia and give Russia a driller and buyer.

Now if only Exxon had a guy inside who could help grease the wheels a bit, then we'd really have a story

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Take on Trump's Boy Band

I wouldn't blame you if when you hear the name Carter Page, you think he is probably the fifth guy in some 90's boyband. You'd assume he's the quiet one who doesn't get a lot of notoriety but maybe helped write a couple of the songs or choreographed a couple of dance moves. Maybe you assume he's the one who keeps being mistaken for his younger brother who has his own boy band
But it turns out that Carter Page may have been the go-between for Donnie and his buddy Vlad. Rumors are swirling that Page used the backstreets to deliver an audio tape with Trump's voice on it, assuring that if Russia helped hack the election, a new Trump administration would be lax on some of the sanctions and would turn a blind eye to Crimea and the next Crimea. This wasn't a small feat and wasn't something that Donnie was going to farm out to just any backup singer, the message had to be clear and perfectly in sync with all the moving piece. This was a major deal and they weren't going to give it to the new kid on the block.

The way I see it, Manafort is Joey Fatone the fat ugly one, that makes Mike Flynn = Lance Bass as the funny looking gay one, Roger Stone becomes that weird one with the goatie, Nunes can be that other one you forgot was in the band and that would make Carter Page....Justin F'n Timberlake

And of course Kushner is Sweet Lou Perlman, the sketchiest of them all who by design can claim some kind of limited culpability and keeps the entire thing conveniently away from
BMG(Trump) when the hotel room gets trashed, a couple of teenagers get impregnated and the Russians come calling for their IOU

Monday, April 17, 2017

Take on the grade curve

Our president called Recep Erdogan today to wish him good luck in his next fifty years of dictatorship. I'd usually let this one slide as it might just be a courtesy call, like when Hillary called Trump to tell him that she was conceding. But when the person making the call has a history of authoritarian moves and totalitarian motives, you wonder where it's all heading. Truth be told, Trump isn't that bright and probably thought nothing of it and meant nothing by it, so since we assume he is just a moron, we give him a pass by grading him on a curve. The guy is a self serving, narcissistic, ego driven, press hating lunatic but we have to be nice to him otherwise he will get mad

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Take on the Whole Foods bag

WholeFoods does a lot of things right, they have great prepared foods, an unbelievable organic section, the sandwich aisle is fantastic and the entire shopping experience is the closest to absolute euphoria I'll ever experience in a grocery aisle. What they are not is cheap, they aren't even moderately expensive, they are flat out expensive and that's fine. But that is a bit disingenuous are the "Great Price" brown bags they were giving out recently. That's like getting six papaya dogs and calling it gourmet or a six of bud lift and calling it a domestic craft beer

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Take on The Swamp

Trump is an imbecilic, self centered, narcissistic man child who has miraculously because become the leader of the free world without so much as an ounce of qualification. He has accomplished virtually nothing in his first 85 days although we do think his handicap may be better than it ever has

The one thing we do appreciate is the fact he has committed to draining the swamp, systematically ridding Washington DC of the lobbyist, career politicians, DC lifers and big oil and Goldman Sachs bankers. Our capital's waterways have never been cleaner, the stench of the sewage that once occupied our great city replaced by a pristine pool where Rex Tillerson, Rick Perry, Steve Mnuchin, Mike Pence, Reince Priebus, Wilbur Ross, Tom Price can wade and clean themselves of their original sins.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Take on the Korean situation

We are on the cusp on a Bay of Pigs with the Fat Korean situation and our president is spending the weekend down in Mar-a-Lago. It's not just the constant vacationing to Trump brander hotels and golf courses but it's the fact that this time, he didn't even bring his staff which actually might be a good thing. Trump and Kim are a match made in nuclear heaven and I don't think anybody thinks that these two knuckleheads are composed enough to keep their cool. Kim's been dying to have a chance to flex his muscles and he has his missile arsenal on big display today at some Korean march. Big Don just dropped the Mother of All Bombs, so he too is ready. All we need now is Michael Buffer and we are ready to go. They are both overcompensating for being ridiculously out of shape loveless losers with terrible haircuts, so really we should be ready for anything

But Donny, please come back to Washington if it does happen, not sure we need you going over war plans on the fine linens in the dining room, and if you don't come back maybe get a suite or go back out on the patio.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Take on the broken promises

Trump tweeted out yesterday that " one by one we are keeping our promises -on the border, on jobs, on regulations.  Big changes are happening!"

I went through a quick list of promises

Build a big glorious 20 foot wall and have Mexico pay for it
So far, no wall and definitely no pesos 

Build a bigger wall if Mexico refuses to pay for it
So far, still no wall and definitely no pesos 

Create massive amounts of jobs
So far, job rate a little bit lower than under Obama and March numbers underwhelming 

Repeal the horrible Obamacare
Obamacare still here

Replace with great wonderful new healthcare
Couldn't get great new healthcare through congress 

Don't go to war with Syria
Sent 59 missiles and destroyed a cafeteria

On Day 1 officially call China a currency manipulator
On day 82 without much fanfare said China was not a currency manipulator

Janet Yellen is doing a terrible job 
Janet Yellen might return

NATO is obsolete and consider pulling out 
Declares NATO is no longer obsolete

Export-Import bank needs to be eliminated
export-import bank should stay

Unlike Obama he will not have enough time to play golf
Played more golf in three months than Obama did in a year  

Surround himself with great people
Betsy Devos, Michael Flynn, Ben Carson, Rex Tillerson, Sean Spicer, Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller and of course Rick Perry 

And of course

Will Drain the Swamp
Filled the swamp with more toxic waste

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Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Take on the manspreader in chief

Trump was asked yesterday if his views of Putin had changed and he ignored the question while sitting arms folded pretending he hadn't heard the question. People were up in arms about this, thinking it was insulting, cowardly or even worse but I was mostly pissed about the way he was sitting
There goes Don, totally man-spreading under the table like he's some frat boy on the D train. He's encroaching so far into Elaine Chao's personal space that Mitch may come over and tell him that he's a meanie. But this is Trump, always try to use whatever tactic to make it know that he's right there.
Sadly for Melania, there are rumors that he stuffs a sock in his pants right after the scotch tapes his tie to his shirt

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Take on Spicy Spicer

Mellisa McCarthy to the white courtesy phone please.

When the headline on every news site says that you are apologizing "for your Hitler remarks", you know that you are having a bad day. Poor Sean, so dumb, so poorly cast in this role, such a closet antisemite.

Spicer hasn't had an easy run, it actually has gone downhill since the photo of him dressed like the Easter Bunny made the rounds a few months ago. He's a true moron but you'd have to think he has one of the hardest and least enviable jobs in the world, although I'm assuming at least he gets paid well. The problem is that his days are numbered, it just can't keep going like this with poor Sean shoving his big pale white foot in his mouth time and time again. The funny thing is that all the talk was about his original comments which stated that Hitler hadn't used chemical weapons, which whatever justification he had was poorly thought through and just plain dumb. What we thought was more troubling was that when a reporter gave him an out a few minutes later to let him explain himself, he went with the "Hitler didn't use chemical weapons against his own people". Nice to see that Sean doesn't equate Jews, gypsies, blacks and gays to "his own people" and then he topped it off with Holocaust Centers which sounds like a museum I went to in high school.

The entire time you are watching you just think Sean, just.shut.up.

The only person who was happy today was the CEO of United Airlines who likely sent Sean flowers

Monday, April 10, 2017

Take on the overbooked United situation

I hate flying United, it's just a crappy all around experience and is the number one reason I still fly Delta even though Newark would be much easier for me. The airplanes are old, the peanuts stale, their flight attendants could star in The Golden Girls and now their overbooked policy sucks.

Apparently a flight crew had to get to Louisville yesterday and after nobody voluntarily gave up their seat, United played some Russian Roulette and some poor nerdy Asian guy got the short straw.
This poor dude who just wanted to go home to see his kids or let his dog out showed up at the airport and figured the hard part was done. But instead of flying the friendly skies, he took an armrest to his face and was dragged off like a WWE heel, as three goons beat the guy to a bloody pulp . I'm always a guy who tries to see the other perspective but this is the kind of situation where the force used by one party seems to be hard to justify based on the fact that the Asian guy didn't want to give up his paid for seat and be stuck in their shitty city for another night.

I understand the logistical issues United must have had with getting a flight crew to Louisville for another flight but I'm not quite sure treating this Asian dude like a piñata is such a hot idea, either.

So F you United for your crappy customer service, your idiotic leggings rules and the fact that Newark Airport blows donkey.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Take on the $80 million dollar disco party

This Trump attack seemed to have been both incredibly effective and incredibly not effective. He got a lot of "no puppet of Putin" relief af the same time that airfield went back to having the kind of regular flight schedule that LaGuardia could only dream about

Three days after we sent $80 million worth of Tomahawk missiles, that airfield from where the chemical attacks were launched was back as basically operational. We're not talking about rebuilding an entire new Death Star, we're talking about a new coat of paint, a couple of pounds of cement and a new cafeteria and all of a sudden direct flight to Damascus where back on the schedule. Planes were landing, bags were loaded, planes were off, peanuts were being served and people complained about blankets and pillows. Delta cancelled 3000 flights this week because of a rain storm in Atlanta but after $80 million worth of missiles they were back on track..

So Donald, maybe the targeted attacks that the weakling Obama was sending out there, were maybe not all that different from your prime time disco party and maybe, they were actually much more effective

But least Trump got to changed the narrative

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Take on the badly acted high school play

The more you think about the attack on the Syrian airbase, the more get the feeling it was just Trump getting cover for his too-close- for- comfort ties with Putin. The storyline is sort of predictable, the dialogue lame and the presentation looks like it is poorly acted by a bunch of high school kids. This was like West Side Story as performed by Vlad and Don

Trump speaks like he has the vocabulary of a tenth grader and delivers it like he's an autistic ten year old. Putin's "incensed" reaction the next morning comes across as robotic, although in fairness he is Russian and if Rocky IV taught us anything, they have no emotions.

But as bad a Putin is, the Trump press conference was worse. It was honestly one of the most uncomfortable ones I have ever seen, not because of the words he used but the fact that he looks like a ten year old reading them. He is so odd when he's forced to stick to a script, especially when he is asked to show emotion that you cringe hoping he doesn't get to a four syllable word. I think his vehement hatred for the TelePrompter stems from the fact that he can't read.
But it did accomplish the goal of taking the secret powwows of Kushner and Russia off the front page. Devin Nunes has gone back to obscurity and it's only a matter of time that Trump brings back Manafort.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Take on Assad's motivation

I've been scratching my head all day to why Assad would do what he did this Tuesday.  I'm not naive enough to try to understand the moves of a tyrannical madman but I'd try to figure out why, at this point, he would decide to stir the pot

It comes down to the following four scenarios 
- Assad, after hearing Tillerson and Halley state that we would leave him to handle Syria, became emboldened and assuming Trump was a paper tiger, used chemical weapons
- Assad, with heavy urging of Putin, attacked his people to destabilize the region allowing Putin the opportunity for an even more heavy handed approach. 
-Assad, with the urging of Putin and the blessing of team Trump, attacked his people hoping to get a wag-the-dog scenario to give Trump cover on RussiaGate.  Putin went out and called it a near act of war and now both leaders can go back hime to show they stood up to their great adversary. 
- the world is an f'd up place and crazy people will do crazy things 
I'd guess you'd sort of root for scenario one because it's the least tinfoilhat-ish.  It does show Trump's own instability and lack of conviction in his own beliefs but also probably means that he has no follow up plan, let alone an exit strategy.  
What we did read was an article about how the true Alt-Right saw this as a betrayal.   InfoWars and its followers and bloggers were up in arms as it went against a core campaign promise.  But I have to see this as incredibly naïve as there was no way anybody could see Trump as a true isolationist ideologue, he was just willing to play one on TV.  
But what is even more shortsighted is to suggest that this would lead to a great exodus of Trump's core supporters, a theory which is just as naïve.  Trump supporters, in general, don't love him for his stances, even they realize it's all pie-in- the-sky nonsense without specifics.  They support Trump for the cult of personality, for their hope for him to clean house, break the system, drain the swamp.  
A congress which wouldn't give Obama the legal ability to do the same thing are now openly praising the bombing, as are Trump's supporters who would have killed Obama for the same.  Trump himself said we should stay out but now jumped in with two feet 
But his core supporters don't care about isolationism or nation building or whatever.  People root for the laundry.  The Steelers played a smash-mouth football style for years, now they play a high octane one, they didn't lose any fans and didn't win over any Ravens fans, either 

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Thursday, April 6, 2017

Take on the attack on Syria

I've not agreed with much Trump has done and think he handled the lead up to tonight really badly but I do think that this message today was the right one.

Hillary called for this exact thing earlier today and when I read that, I agreed with her and I agree with this move tonight, too. This is likely just a broken clock being right two times per day as I have no faith that Trump thought this through and weighed the repercussions but if taken as an isolated incident, it was necessary. This could even have been coordinated with Russia and is most certainly has some wag-the-dog stuff behind it. The one thing that Trump did tonight is show the world that on this scale he is a loose cannon, this doesn't bode well most of the time but I have to think that up until two hours ago, Assad thought Trump was a paper tiger. I guarantee that tonight he is thinking twice about dropping another chemical weapon and if this prevents another situation like yesterday, than so be it. The attack was on a military target and there are no (reported) civilian casualties

The fat Korean better watch out because his kimchee is going to taste like uranium at this rate.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Take on the Old Band

Six months ago, all seemed good in Trumpland, they had just had an unlikely victory in the biggest election of our lifetime, they could claim a (dubious) electoral mandate and they had a clear opportunity for a conservative agenda with a GOP House and Senate not to mention most state houses, too.
True, Manafort had been given the Pete Best treatment but the rest of the gang was all there. Flynn, Bannon, Miller, Kushner and Conway.
But then one by one the cracks started to show, the house of gold was actually just a cheap Chinese knockoff, everybody assumed Manafort was a one-off but he was an example of the systemic issue riddling the administration. Nobody could be trusted, nobody could turn around without feeling a knife come right into their spine. The leaking has been unprecedented, the controversies unrelenting and the press unmerciful, yet still, through it all, their John Lennon, has stayed the course, even if that course seems to be that of a drunk driver having an epileptic seizure while battling a nest of hornets while blindfolded.
But there he went, with no real agenda, no plan, no ideology, no moral compass and no sense of decency, wildly driving into the night in a stationwagon with the entire country in the backseat with no seat belts, car seats and all the windows locked.
Well Bannon is on the way out, in an apparent power struggle with Kushner, Tillerson is minimized in an apparent power play by Kushner and Putin is emboldened by an apparent lack of keeping his pants on by Kushner's father in law.
Miller is likely next, although I suspect that will come down when the FBI raids his laptop and they won't be looking for the kinds of things Jared Kushner will have been looking at, but rather the kind of things that Jared from Subway may have been looking at

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Take on the latest Korean provocation

The fat Korean lobbed a missile towards the direction of Japan and all of a sudden it sounds like they've crossed the red line.  I'm not quite sure what we're going to do about it but Sexy Rexy and LittleFingers made it clear that any further provocation would lead to something.  Well this is the time when you probably don't want a reactionary, self centered megalomaniac in office (truthfully I'm not sure when you would) but it can't possibly be smart to handle this situation in any way that could set the chubby Korean off.   I do think it's time to off him, maybe an exploding cigar or I guess in his case an exploding bucket of KFC.  Or maybe we can get Dennis Rodman to jump naked out of a cake with a three prostitutes with bear traps in their wawas.  Or maybe just run his personal barber and make him look like his old man who kind of looks like a his mom.  

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Monday, April 3, 2017

Take on Brooklyn

I love Brooklyn, loved living there, loved the vibe, loved the community. I love fifth avenue, love prospect parks, love f*cked in park slope.
There were things I didn't love (hipsters), things I despised (parking) and things I just didn't understand (white families trying to submerge their white kids in Japanese) but throughout it all, it was always great even with its flaws. But somehow, with everything it had, everything it offered, everything it wanted to be, it lacked something. Maybe it's the fact that all those yuppies moved in, maybe it was the fact the rent went stupid, maybe it is because Brooklyn lost its edge or maybe it was because the entire borough didn't have a single avocado bar. But those days are now over, Brooklyn is now perfect. You can go from a cat petting place, to a rodeo, to a avocado bar all within about thirty minutes

It is heaven

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Take on the secret Secretary of State

I'm not quite sure why Trump even hired a Secretary of State, especially because he has shown that he has no interest in standard diplomacy and has already cut major funding for the department. Add to that that Sexy Rex Tillerson seems to be a bit low on energy (couldn't have dinner with his Korean counterparts, didn't visit the embassies) and generally looks like an out of shape slob. Trump probably does appreciate his weird idiosyncrasies like not ever looking anybody in the eye and Trump certainly appreciates Tillerson's disdain of the media.
But really, Sexy Rexy is just the eye candy because Trump has already farmed out all the important jobs to Kushner. First Kushner got the job to bring peace in the Middle East and now it comes out that he's been the go-between through a secret channel between presidents Trump and Xi. I know that Trump believes in loyalty and family above all else, but Kushner is 36 and barely out of diapers and has less experience on the prod stage than even Trump

Not sure this will end well.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Take on Sleepy Eyes

Low Energy Jeb!
Lyin' Ted
One and thirty Kasich
Crooked Hillary
and now add Sleepy Eyed Chuck Todd to the mix. It's Saturday which means two things in the capital, 1- Kushner is observing Shabbat which means that 2- Old mean Trump is allowed to do as he pleases with his little phone.
Of course he referenced a FoxNews report using anonymous congressional aid sources to double down on his stupid wiretapping claims but he didn't stop there, he went after the failing New York Times and then attacked a guy who seems about as partisan as a a peanut butter sandwich. I don't love Chuck Todd and he certainly is no Russert but the reason he isn't covering the Obama Surveillance Scandal because it would be like him covering Santa's arrival from the North Pole

Friday, March 31, 2017

Take on the impartial investigation

When a congressman nobody ever heard of  told some MSNBC show that nobody watches that Devin Nunes "works for" and "answers to" the President it felt a bit odd.  
Not only does this break with the concept I learned in the 5th grade with a divison of powers through the three branches of government but it was odd in that it threw out any appearance of impartiality on a campaign Nunes is supposedly investigating.  Sadly I don't think this guy is much different that the rest of the morons in that chamber.  Maybe if we explained the divison of powers in song ( it could help then remember how it works 

But the bigger story is Nunes, who we all know is a Trump stooge and we'll likely see him tar and feathered for his role when Bannon, Kushner, Manafort, Stone and the rest of them get paraded in front of the media in handcuffs. But the real beauty will be when Big Don walks out in a jump suit which matches his complexion

It's coming, just a matter of time 

Remember the Mayflower Hotel

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Thursday, March 30, 2017

Take on Mike Flynn

You don't get immunity to take down guys under you, you get immunity to take down guys above you.

Michael Flynn has had quite a ride, from being hired and then fired by Obama, to leading the "lock her up" chants at the Republican convention to being named head of the NSA, to admitting he misled poor old Mike Pence, to resigning in disgrace and now for looking for immunity to testify. I get that asking for immunity isn't an admission of guilt when you look at it from a letter of the law perspective but it sure as hell was an admission of guilt when Flynn was asked about it in September when asked about Hillary's server.
But this I just getting good. Between the Flynn takedown, Nunes getting fed information directly from the WhiteHouse, new questions about Melania's immigration status, Kushner's ties to Russian banks, reports that Trump never read the ACHA and Manafort being questioned in the Ukraine, we might never get that nice big talk wall

Two words to remember. Mayflower Hotel

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Take on Asian carp

So as part of Trump's hacksaw to the EPA is some regulation where they will cut funding for the destruction of something called Asian Carp   Apparently these Asian carp were released in Lake Michigan and completely ruined the ecosystem and now all the other fish are dying.  Personally I see this as another opportunity for Trump to shine, he just has to take the right side of the argument and we know he is willing to take any position as long as it will make him rich 

Another example of outsourcing to the Chinese.  We should tax every Asian carp that makes it into Lake Michigan, Lake Superior, Lake Heron, Lake Erie and that other one, too


make the Great Lakes Great Again

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Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Take on Trump'e golf game

When photos leaked of Donald Trump watching golf at his golf resort over the weekend the mainstream media went nuts. Maybe it was because he claimed to be having meetings, maybe it was because the culprit was not some investigative reporter from the failing NY Times but an 11 year old kid, maybe it was the in-your-face irony of Trump having knocked Obama for all the times he hit the links or maybe it was the fact that in privacy he still wears that stupid red hat but people were up in arms. I don't care abut golf and hope he plays it because like a mental patient, you have to keep him entertained otherwise he may take a dump in your laundry basket.
What I'm less happy about is that he does all his golfing, entertaining and dining at Trump courses and resorts, obviously there is a conflict of interest issues where the tax payers are footing the bill for Big Don to wine and dine at his own restaurants and hotels but my bigger issue is that this loser can't even admit it. If you want to watch golf with your rich white guy buddies, go nuts. You want to hit the links with those same rich old white dudes, enjoy. Just admit you are doing exactly what you knocked Obama on and for God sake, take off that hat when you are inside

Monday, March 27, 2017

Take on the grand conspiracy

It is just a matter of time. Devin Nunes seems to have been compromised, Manafort, Stone and Page are forced to testify, Sessions has recluse himself, Kushner is going to speak and through it all Flynn has been mysteriously quiet. If you read between the lines you will see a pattern here and it starts in Moscow and ends at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. If they have turned Flynn, the end is near because if they turn a capo they aren't doing it to after a solider, they are going after The Godfather and there is nobody above Flynn. The reality of some weird Russian collusion thing has been staring us in the face from the day that Trump went soft on them at his first major foreign policy speech at the Mayflower where he practically felated Putin on stage. It was there that Trump had a secret meeting where he sold his soul (and America's security) to the vodka guzzling devil, in exchange for a little help with the election
The payoff was probably only a few million to help lift sanctions after Crimea, a few bank kickbacks and a couple of wink-wink agreements. But they'll never get him on anything because Trump is smart enough to never leave a direct paper trail (doesn't use email, dictates everything else) but this is where it all starts

Either that or Trump is actually the baby Jesus reincarnated.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

The Forbes airport list

Forbes came out with their list of the worst airports and the winners, uh, losers are, anybody who ever flies into or out of New York with the worst three airports in the country listed as LaGuardia, JFK and Newark. I don't know what criteria they used but I assume that if didn't matter, any criteria by itself would make these three the bottom dwellers whether it was horrid conditions, terrible delays, crappy terminals, uninspiring food options, bad layouts layouts, awful parking options, long lines, ugly people and bad connections
Luckily for me, I've already flown either into or out of these three airports 10 times this year and will likely fly in or out of them another 30 times before the year is over. I should get a free bag of peanuts or something.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Take on the new Deadspin

First Deadspin had to deal with fallout of the Gawker-Hogan thing which meant its focus went from pure sports related fun to include some political and celebrity gossip, which I was fine with but certainly changed the experience. But now, they have added this gaming thing which will single handily bodyslam this website from my must-read list. It's not that I hate gaming, I do, but reading about it is as painful as it gets. Video games are absolutely dreadful and people who play them should all be leg-dropped till they faint. But if the people who play it aren't lame enough, there is nothing worse than reading about other people playing some virtual reality thing, it's like the section in the back pages of the paper that describe bridge.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Take on The Closer

Trump is the ultimate closer, or so we've been told. He was unflappable like Mariano Rivera with the personality (and suit size) of Goose Gossage but if today shows us anything, the Art of the Deal sounded more like Let's Make a Deal along with all the people dressed in funny costumes. Trump is no Mariano Rivera, you don't put on Enter Sandman when his doors open. You can learn more about a man in the way he takes defeat and how he bounces back from it than the way he handles a win but Trump is the ultimate front runner which means that he's already on to the new sexy thing and will leave this steaming pile of Dog Crap for Paul Ryan to clean up. Luckily for America, Paul Ryan eats shit sandwiches for lunch, so he'll probably compliment Trump on the taste.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Take on the ACHA

After Paul Ryan pushed back the vote on the repeal of Obamacare today, the hope of replacing it with Trumpcare seemed ever less likely. Trump called a bunch of Republicans to the White House today to prove he is the Mariano Rivera of presidents but instead looks a bit more like Armando Benitez and Joe Q Public just got pegged in the back.
The more I think about it, the more I think the GOP wants it to fail, because if it passes it's their problem and for the first time in a decade they won't be able to run against Obamacare in the next election cycle.
That is also the reason I think they called it The American Health Care Act, they probably figure that most idiot Americans won't realize it is any different than the Affordable Care Act, and they can run against that terrible governmental overreach in two years.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Take on the Russian ties

Imagine that in March of 2009 it came out that 

David Axlerod was on the payroll of some crown prince in Saudi Arabia for millions of dollars 

James Jones was working with Jordan but never disclosed it 

Valeria Jarred communicated with the masterminds of a terrorist attack via twitter

Ben Rhodes was mentioned multiple times in a dossier involving a night Obama spent in Bahrain 

Obama's business had multiple deals with the Saudi's and that shady Saudi's were operating out of one of the buildings he owned 

there was an FBI investigation into ties between his campaign and the Saudi government 

he would have been hanged

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Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Take on the electronic cabin ban

The more you think about this laptop ban, the more it is just a travel ban in disguise. Having just gotten off of a 14 hour flight, I can't imagine having done it without a laptop and my iPhone.   I get that they show a couple of crappy movies on the inflight entertainment but if I have to sit through another version of Love Actually, I'm going to poke my eyes out.  

Now imagine doing that 14 hour flight with my three kids, without a tablet, you can forget what you have heard about Jihad, that thought might be worse   

So so I think that this will effectively stop anybody from ever wanting to visit our country again..

Make America Safe Again  

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Monday, March 20, 2017

Take on the very limited Paul Manafort

Apparently Paul Manafort role in the Trump campaign was vastly overstated by everybody fro the Fake Media, to the campaign itself and definitely by Donald Trump because today Sean Spicer indicated that his role was very limited during the campaign. That's a bit silly being that he was...the campaign manager...but maybe we are parsing words or making word soup or maybe we are eating sour with parsley. I assume that if Sean Spicer is good with Paul Manafort having just had a very limited role in the campaign, he'll also agree that John Candy had a limited role in Planes, Trains and Automobiles or Chris Farley was only a small part in the 90s SNL. Thanks but I'll take my fat guy with my soup.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Take on the checked luggage

I work up this Saturday morning at 4am Tokyo time, which is 3PM New York time on Friday.  I can never sleep well the day before a flight, an affliction which really sucks if you fly 50 legs per year. 
 I went to the gym, packed my bags, had breakfast and by 9am I was off to the airport.   It is now past midnight in New York,  28 hours since I left my hotel after a long connection in Shanghai (don't ask) and in still waiting for my bags to come through.   I never check a bag, mainly because I'd prefer to schlep it through an airport than deal with the endless waiting at the end of a long flight.  But when I was gifted a couple of bottles of Saki, I didn't have much of a choice and did the one thing I promised myself I'd never do again, especially when there is an international connection involved.    We deplaned an hour ago and I have already been standing here for 50 minutes painfully watching the same twenty suitcases go around this conveyer belt but mine is nowhere to be found.  All for a bottle of saki that I didn't want and will sit in my cabinet for years, until one day I take it out and bring it to somebody's house as a housewarming gift at which point it will sit in their cabinet for years. 

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Saturday, March 18, 2017

Take on Rex Tillerson's Asian vacation

Sexy Rex Tillerson had to cut short an event with his Korean counterparts because of fatigue..   We feel for Rex, knowing first hand how grueling Asian trips are, between the time changes, the long flight, the rice wines, the crappy food, you get really tired.   Everybody is going to call him Low Energy and weak but we won't pile on, having just spent a similar trip in three Asian cities in a week, sometimes you just need a little break from all the Lost in Translation moments. 

Rex just doesn't seem like the kind of Secretary who is able to take on that much, he doesn't come across as a guy who can take on that much pressure, which is fine if you are a gas station attendant but maybe not ideal if you represent the United States on the world stage.  

Then again maybe he just wasn't in the mood for another Korean barbecue, those things are delicious but when it's the fifth time you're having it in three days, you might need a break and you certainly don't want another one of your suits to smell like you rolled around on the floor of a butcher shop.    It could also be that his Korean counterparts were doing some heavy drinking the night before and Rex needed a night off, we know how hard those can be.  

Listen, Rex is no Hillary Clinton (or John Kerry, or Colin Powell or Madeleine Albright or Condi or whoever)  I think Rex is probably more comfortable at home, playing Risk with his grandkids, and we shouldn't fault him for that.  his job is really not that important to the future of the free world.  

Friday, March 17, 2017

Take on the bathroom signs in Japan

Every bathroom in Japan has a photo of exactly how you need to wash your hands. In the US you might see this in a restaurant for workers or in a kindergarten but in Japan these guidelines are for everybody and you kind of have to appreciate the level of commitment to cleanliness.

 I'm wondering if they did a nationwide study and found that Japanese dudes were not adequately washing after taking a dump or if this was more precautionary but in a country where there is no physical interaction, the paranoia might be overkill. You literally don't touch anybod here, nobody hugs, nobody shakes hands and nobody high fives, the only true interaction is probably in the massage places and your hands are probably the least of your worries there. The rest of it is like a completely virtual existence.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Take on China's AIDS brochure

As you leave China, right befor you go through customs, there is a table with some pamphlets on it, all intended to give vulnerable Chinese people some much needed information before they venture into the great unknown wilderness. There are ones about getting pick pocketed, there are ones about Zika and there is a stack of them about AIDS. Not since I was in the seventh grade, have I seen such scare tactics. They show loneliness, weird looking characters like that fox and wolf from Pinocchio and an Albert Einstein looking doctor telling young Chinese people to not stick their chopsticks into the noodle bowl of some weird duck. I applaud the vigilance, I am happy to see any country take health issues seriously but you'd think they could make the entire thing not look like a Saturday morning cartoon.

take on Rachel Maddow's BIG reveal..

not since Geraldo tried to open up Al Capone's vault has a TV program been this hyped and give us such so little in the actual money-shot.
Rachel Maddow hyped her release of Trump's taxes on Twitter and then almost immediately threw cold water on by announcing it was the 2005 ones.    If that wasn't bad enough even before her show, Trump scooped Maddow by confirming the numbers before her program, so CNN was announcing Maddow's scoop way before she did as she tried to tease her way from commercial break to commercial break in a way that would make Mike and Mike jealous. 

Even when the taxes came out, it was really Geraldo esquie, it showed he paid $38 million on $150 million in income, not exactly the 35%+ that the top-rate requires but more than Romney and a bunch of other rich guys probably paid that year.  I get that this is all just noise at this time and the fact that The White House beat her to the punch really took any of the wind out of the sail of her big reveal.. Then when it comes to the facts, they also sort of failed to impress.  What is impressive, and Trump is probably most impressed by this, was the way she was able to turn this sort of lame story into a ridiculously highly rated bunch of hype..   

so I guess at least she had that going..

my guess is that the one who released these are Trump himself as they actually show that a) he's rich and b) he paid a fair amount of taxes...

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Take on the fish head

Yesterday I was served Howard the Duck, today it was Jimmy the Fish. A Chinese meal is never complete without a complete fish and I felt like Tony Soprano looking at Big Pussy. I like fish, but when they serve it with the eyes in, it's a bit much. I know what the fish is but I just don't need to have Nemo staring at me while I'm eating its belly.
Then again the woman who sat next to me chewed on the gills and waged it down with the eyeball. I was just happy she didn't stick her Hong-King foot right in the soy sauce, although that might still have been more sanitary than when she blew a gigantic snot bubble into her napkin.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Take on Peking Duck

Nothing is less appealing than having a full  duck head served on a giant lazy Susan between your bull balls and jelly fish.  The problem is that in China, there is always something that makes you want to puke all over the stained linens.    Peking Duck is just one of the nastiest looking things because it comes served whole and the charred crisp and looks like what you'd imagine what 70 year old Chinese Woman's wawa looks like.     The thing about Peking Duck is it that items fatty and disgusting, it's that it just looks like the turkey Clark served in Christmas Vacation if that bird had been caught swimming in lime green toxic swamp water. 

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Sunday, March 12, 2017

Take on the VIP treatment

There is nothing like landing in Shanghai and going through the VIP section of security. VIP apparently means that the carpet is only partially stained, the Chinese people behind you are only slightly pushing you and the lady who runs that magic wand over your body only slightly slaps that stick on your nutsack. I get how important security is but the VIP portion is just laughable. The good news is the lounge feels like you are hanging out in Port Authority with a bunch on homeless people who are picking their teeth, digging between their toes and slurping their soup. Oh yeah, the bathrooms smell like just like the one on the second floor of the Port Authority, it's almost like being home.