Friday, September 30, 2011
When I walked home this week and saw a MILF decal on a Chevy Venture nd whereas I should have been intrigued instead I really wondered what they were thinking. Now I'm in no way against hot mothers but when you post it on a mini van with two baby seats in the back you might be pushing the 'I am a slut' envelope too far.
I was completely petrified when my mom dropped me off in front of the elementary school, just imagine how horrified these poor kids are being chauffeured around by Britney Spears
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Color me intrigued.
The rumors about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie making a potential presidential run continue to swirl and didn't get any quieter after he spoke at the Reagan Library in the last week. Although Christie continues to deny any interest it's pretty obviously that the Governor likes the spotlight like he likes cheesecake. The truth of it is, I don't care what anybody says but this Republican field is shaping up to be one of the worst in recent history..right now you have a guy who looks like he spends all his time in a tanning booth, another who is quite possibly certifiably crazy, a chick who has that 'crazy look' in her eyes, a fat old speaker of the house and that crazy black dude who keeps screaming about 9-9-9 which I guess is code for J-J-J. Just Jobs Jones..
But if Governor Cheesecake joins the ranks, I think it might bring some much needed life to the party especially because Chubby Checker has become the darling of his home-state with his take no crap, no-nonsense attitude. The problem will be… can he survive the pressure of a presidential run.. Everytime I see him it looks like the cookie monster's poor heart is just not going to hold up.. The presidential campaign is a marathon with the winner getting the unenviable position of having to put his health on the line for another four years of the most stress. you look at the Cupcake King and he breaths so heavy you feel like you're watching a guy with wake apnea. Did you see this poor guy during that Hurricane Irene thing, he looked like he was wearing a tarp..
I know this is a no-nonsense guy and obviously there have been plenty of presidents with vices (Obama with the smoking, Bush Jr with the coke, Clinton with the BJ's, Reagan with the late night cookies and warm milk) but you wonder what Putin will think when they sit across the table from double C knowing that the quickest way to any deal might be one of those large cookies.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Getting old sucks.. sometimes it's the bad knees, sometimes it's the few extra pounds around my mid section and sometimes it's the fact that I'm going to the bathroom a couple of times at night, sometimes it's the fact that my sack dropped 5 inches since I was 30 but mostly it sucks when you realize that your recovery time has gone to hell.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I pick up a car earlier this week for a one way rental from one city in Ohio and dropping off in another and made my decision in part based on the estimated total charge of $178. So you can imagine I'm flabbergasted When I return the car earlier today I am told my total charge will be $318. I question it and am told that they are charging me $0.45 mile for the 250 miles I drove
Now nowhere in my reservation was it clearly stated that there was any kind of drop off fee and no time before have I been charged a mileage penalty
I explain to the guy that I booked this reservation specifically because of the estimated charges and that nowhere did it give me a number that resembled anything close to $300. He counters with the thought that Budget would not know how many miles I would drive which countered with the fact that they knew where I was picking it up and since they knew I would at minimum drive to the other airport they could have at least estimated that the most direct route from airport to airport was still 175 miles.
I get charging extra for the 75 'extra' miles but basic laws of physics tell you that it could not have been done in zero miles
Monday, September 26, 2011
when hitting an adult entertainment place there are a few rules that can never be broken
- never take the offer from the doorman to help him find you a good table. Tables are for suckers because strip clubs are about the stage and on a busy night you need to be as close to the action as you can be. You'll air there like a schmo wondering why Savannah from Georgia (the country not the state) hasn't made it back to your table and thenyou realize she's being scooped up the second she leaves the stage. You'll spend the night nursing on $9 Miller Lite's while you could be nursing on something much less filling
- never let her start a dance when the song has already started. Strip club songs are already ridiculously short, nobody needs to be shorted any more
- always have singles. I know this sounds ridiculously obvious because spending $200 is easy in theory but spending 200 singles takes time. It's like the poker room in a casino, you can sit there for hours drinking free jack and cokes or you can go to the blackjack table and blow your wad in 15 minutes. I guess it's all about preferences
- always limit your possible expenditures before you walk in the door Decide beforehand what you are going to spend, take out that amount and don't allow yourself to hit the ATM ever
- when you lend money to a friend never allow them to give it back to you under the black-light. He may as well just flush the $200 down the toilet because when you have money in your pocket at FD's it's as good as spent
- leave your credit cards at home because would better off giving your VISA card to a Ukranian website than a Ukranian dancer.
- never use their ATM unless you are OK with a 10% convenience charge for $100 worth of monopoly money
- don't eat the sushi. I don't care if the place has a grade A plaque from the health department in their window, nothing good can come from chowing down on raw fish at strip club
But finally when selecting a possible lapper remember go with real ones over the ones with the big fake boobs. Apparently the silicon has leached into their minds or they have lost any sense of sensuality and somehow they always assume that constantly jumping down on your lap from five feet up is suppose to be a turn-on.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
I get why people get tattoos, feeling the need to clutter up their disgusting bodies with mementos of a time gone by even when they very well know that they can have some major tattoo regret. As long as they are discreet I will usually just mark it down as childhood indiscretion, but when they become visible in normal work gear you have to wonder if it's evolution in progress.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, September 22, 2011
A couple of years ago on the back of an article about some dude who followed some South American tribe of bare-footed long-distance runners, a couple of companies came out with these idiotic looking glove sneakers. Being a runner there has never been one time that I've seriously thought about trading in my Asix for a pair of these things but I can understand that if there is some medical proof that this improves running and decreases injuries that the concept has a lot of value.
What I don't understand is why somebody would wear these things out… yesterday on the subway, I sat across from a young chick who was otherwise very attractive..that is until you got to her feet. I'm not sure what it is but rubber encased toes have to be one of the least attractive ways to show off one of the least attractive body parts and unlike basic mathematics this isn't a case where a negative multiplied by another negative becomes a positive.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
But the worst culprit are those idiotic centerpieces made famous for being overpriced necessities at weddings. Somewhere, somehow somebody decided that a big gaudy centerpiece made for elegance while it only hinders conversation. I cannot tell you how big a pet peeve it is for me to sit at a table and not be able to see the person sitting across from me without severely straining my neck as I am trying to peek around a Frank Lloyd Wright tree growing in the center of my table. It's like
So my rule is simple, if you must have a centerpiece keep it no more than 9 inches off the table and if you are at a restaurant he waiter should remove the flowers as soon as they bring your drinks
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Well this is not good news but at least it may explain why I have such fat thighs, slightly lumpy breasts, a propensity to gossip and a slightly higher voice than normal
Over the weekend I read a new study which showed that men start losing testosterone when they become fathers. They checked the levels of new fathers in a given age group and compared it to that of guys the same age without kids and found that the new dad's had a 34% drop in testosterone and found a direct correlation between time spent with a young kid and amount of testosterone drop. I haven't tested myself but I was already half a chick who now spends basically every non-working hour with my daughter and will say that I've been low on energy, crabbier, definitely more sensitive although I have not yet had a desire to try on a thong.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
See this is where people suck, today I sit down in the bagel shop and see somebody left a copy of the Sunday Times. I flip through it and I realize that the previous owner culled out any of the decent sections an left a heap of liberal crap in its place. Gone were the Front Page, the Week in Review, the metro section and the sports pages while they left the car section, the arts section and that one about the mutual funds
Thanks a lot litterer
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Now I know of three guys who use mommy in their regular vernacular and there isn't an obvious common characteristic although who do so although two of them are well over three bills so maybe a bad diet rich in chocolate and fried food is the common thread.
Friday, September 16, 2011
I'm all for cities getting wired so that it's parks, subway stations and public places are WiFi accessible. I don't mind a small fee like they charge with this Boingo thing at the airport for the service either although I have to admit that the free public wifi you find in many European and Asian cities is very pleasant. The problem is that although Bloomberg did wire some parks with WiFi there are a number of other places where you might get the impression there is free WiFi but actually it just seems like some kind of Trojan Horse designed to give your IPhone gonorrhea.
Every-time I walk through Times Square my IPhone goes haywire with Wifi signals. This isn't a crazy concept as there are thousands or offices and store in the area and they are almost always locked but there are always a couple right on top called something like **FREE PUBLIC WIFI**. I can't figure out exactly what these things truly are but I am sure that clicking on them surely doesn't ever give you WiFi capabilities. You just know these things are tied to some Russian sponsored outfit called The Black Sea somewhere outside of Kazakhstan where you can buy stolen credit cards, trade in gold and find imposter Viagra.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
I know taking a shit is a big effort for some but how much pushing are you doing when you are precipitating from your ass?
Now I have a buddy who once literally detached his retina while taking an especially big dump so I guess how I can see this being almost a full contact sport for some of my larger friends but would it kill them to at least wipe down the seat afterwards??
Wednesday, September 14, 2011