Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Take on the tactics of Big Labor

When I saw one of those big rats in front of Applebee's on 42nd
street, I was relieved. Not because Applebee's is basically dog food,
but because it might mean slightly fewer idiot tourists keeping me
from my commute home. What I don't quite get is the handouts the guys
on strike were handing our. They not only included a bunch of claims
of poor working conditions and benefits but threw in a "this place has
cockroaches too" at the end

I get the art of a hard negotiation, but when you work for an
establishment which serves food, does if really make sense to try to
sink the operation you are negotiating with? Yeah, you might get
concessions but what good is it, if you go back to work at an empty

Although, I guess since this place depends on walk-in tourists, it may
not have the same effect as a place frequented by regulars

Monday, April 29, 2013

Take on Enterprise Rent a Car

I sometimes wonder if the guy who is recruiting for Enterprise Rent A
Car, is the same guy who was recruiting for the Branch Davidians.
You walk into am Enterprise and it feels like you are being met by a
mental patent. These guys all have this terrible buzz cut, wear suits
that are twice their size and have a smile on their faxes like they
are completely cooked on bath salts. They come up to you like they
are hawking bibles and all have the crazy in their eyes
I remember reading that Enterprise is one of the largest employers of
newly graduated college kids and that they look specially for C
students ,who I assume they can most easily convince to put on low top

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Take on leather gloves

Is there a worse look for a heterosexual dude than leather gloves.
Actually that goes for a homosexual guy too. I don't get gloves to
start off with, especially not in April but when you wear them while
rising the bus, I really scratch my head. Leather gloves work for a
guy compensating for a small winky with his Porsche but on public
transportation, you come across as a kid toucher.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Take on Geno

I sat on pins and needles for two days with all my buddies taunting me
that the Jets would draft Geno. I was shaking in my black high tops
with the thought of the Jets making yet another personnel decision
based on grabbing the back page in April and becoming the laughing
stock of the city again. I can't say I know much about the Italian
Stallion having never seen him play at West Virginia but I am
intrigued by his numbers. Not since the big guido, Vinny T blew
out his Achilles have the Jets felt so hopeless and the now sit with
a roster that has more QB's than wins last year.

There is Mark, who crumbled like a cheap taco when the pressure came
on, there is Tim who prayed so hard, God got fed up. There is David
who was over the hill when he was a rookie, there is Greg who makes
Chad look like Jeff George plus there is Phil's kid who I can only
assume they drafted hoping to confuse those meatheads on the other
side of the stadium. But today is all about appeasing a disenchanted
fan base and bringing some Jersey back to the NY Jets. Idzik and
Woody know that in order to get these idiot fans to drop a few grand
on a PSL's, he needs to give them a product they can embrace and what
better than ordering up some spaghetti and gravy for a hungry fan base.

Not since Vinny was taking them to within a half of a Super Bowl have the Jets felt like they partially owned the town, don't think that this is lost on Woody

They saw how the Jeremy Lin energized the garden and broight in am entirely mew set of fans and the Jet brass thought they'd catch some grease lightning themselves by giving
something for guys like Vito and Tony to call their own cause this
town will be painted red white and green when Geno brings them a

Boy are they in for one big surprise

Friday, April 26, 2013

take on the airport furloughs

This week, I flew out to Atlanta and back on a single day, and I was hit hard by the sequester.   I travel more than most but even I was suprised by the lengths of some of the delays I've had recently.    Was kept on the runway for nearly 3 hours coming back from Detroit two weeks ago, was stuck for nearly 2 hours at the gate this week and then spent another hour and twenty minutes circling LaGuardia when we finally did take off and were hoping to land.

this is misery which comes along with Business Travel.. You leave your house before the sun is up and come home after it has set and spend the waking hours either fighting the lines at security or waiting for an airplane to leave so you don't miss your connection.

was glad, on a personal level, to see that congress had put a bill in front of Obama which will bring the furloughed workers back to work but you know that this has more to do with these guys wanting to get back to their own home-states than it ever does about inconveniencing me... the one guy who isn't sucking off the governments gigantic liberal teet

Thursday, April 25, 2013

take on the Miss Korean Contestant Plastic Surgery

When I saw an article commenting how plastic surgery had made all the Miss Korean contestants look alike I had three thoughts
- that has to be the hottest collection of the same looking chick
- I have a handful of buddies who had trouble before but now will have absolutely no chance telling these girls apart, one of whom is Asian mind you.
- I wonder if they all look identical down there too.

it's been wildly reported that the most common form of plastic surgery in South Korea is..uhm tightening of the lower regions, basically trying to convince unsuspecting newlywed husbands that their new brides are unblemished.    
There are a few things we know.. one, Korean girls are easy, two Korean girls care about appearance and three Korean girl like Latino and black dudes but will eventually end of with a golf playing, Lexus driving, had haircut having, kimchee eating dude who is about 5'8", has more muscle mass than his Asian brethren but when topless still looks like he's wearing a uniform made of whale blubber.
The point is, you can't blame the Korean chick from wanting her nether regions to feel like the legroom of a Hyundai for her new husband on their wedding night, not the trunk of the new Kia KH Sedan .

so I commend these chicks for getting hotter and tighter.  Lucky for them, their names are all pretty similar, so when I screw that up they may not even notice, just assuming I'm another dumb white boy.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Take on the park weirdo

I'm not anti weirdo per se. I don't mind them as the bassist in my
rock band, tolerated them on Cathy No's email lists and don't go nuts
when I see them walking the streets. What I don't quite accept is
when they are hanging out with 1970's NBA shorts, black knee high
socks and a "I wanna bang" shirt. I know my buddy Zed will say that
they gotta keep the police state to a limit but even he must agree
that there is a place for the authorities to keep a creep from hanging
out hanging out with his winky hanging out staring at my 3 year old

This is the kind of time, I want more police presence at the parks, not less

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Take in the grease trucks

You can't get a Snickers bar in NYC without passing one of those
grades posted in the front window. I usually refuse to eat in
anything below an A, knowing that even some of those dirty Chinese and
taco places get A's somehow. I have to figure that you get a B, if
the inspector literally steps in a pike of rat-shit or catches they
busboy giving the head waiter a hummer and then seeing the waiter spew
inside the mashed potatoes

But what is a bit odd, is that those street carts don't have to obey
by the same grading system. How the hell are those roving roach
motels getting away without being under the eye of those food
inspectors when there are tons of restauranteurs sweating out their
results daily

Monday, April 22, 2013

Take on Revis

Still trying to digest it, even if it was written an the walks for months.   

Losing the best player on your team, even a prima donna, is tough.   It's like losing Eli but not having JPP, Nicks, Cruz and a trophy case that is sinking under the weight of Vince Lombardi 

The team was awful last year and won't be any better this year.  They have a dearth of talent on offense, a disenfranchised fan-base, a 'franchise' QB with fourth round talent and four grade mental toughness,  a lame duck coach who lost his infectious personality with that lapband surgery, an overachieving but still mostly unlikeable defense, a rookie GM and an owner who cares more about TMZ than W&L. 

But it's probably the right thing because with or without Revis, this would have been a down year and you just know he would have held out next year.  So this year will play itself out like every other year..  Skinny Rex will get fired and you''ll be rooting for a team on their 8th coach in the last 20 years but you will still wear Jets green everyday mainly because that is all you have in my closet for casual gear.  In a few years when they make a decent run and you will get excited about it but your friends who root for the cross town team who will be coming off their 6th super-bowl appearance and fifth title of their lifetime will tell you that you aren't a real enough fan.  They'll shit all over your happiness because you only started to like them 25 years ago and apparently aren't vested enough. 

It'll feel good to root for a winner again and the town will be abuzz and for that short while and you will realize why you put up with the misery.  But of course with any success comes bravado and the rest of this town will jump on-board.   You'll feel self conscious because every Joe, Dick and Vinny will be wearing their brand new Jets jersey (probably a new logo too, to make sure everybody knows that these are the new  New York Jets.). Revis will be playing in his 10th pro-bowl, and somehow Geno Smith became the next Geno Torretta not the next John Elway.  Greg Schiano will be considered a defensive genius and Rex will be on his fourth year on Sunday Night Football with Al Michaels who had to come clean on yet another DWI that year.  

And then it will all come crashing down again when they will draft an undersized defensive lineman from Montana or Idaho or Fresno State who had a great Senior Bowl but showed huge mental lapses throughout his senior season and is know to be a poor practice player.    The pundits will tell you was only because he played in the Big Sky conference or whatever but that he plays up to his level of competition and they expect him to really step up practicing against this level of talent everyday.   Hey he ran a 4.6 forty at the combine and he looks like a mean bastard.  Problem is that, he will show up thirty pounds overweight to the off season workouts, which might be his way of dealing with the 'undersized' criticism but you know it's from too many BigMacs.  And all of a sudden all the  character issues which dogged him at the draft will come roaring back when he gets pulled over and his cousin riding shotgun gets busted with a pound of weed. 

But they will start the season 4-1 and head into a big showdown at Foxboro and may even pull it off which gets your juices going again. 

You never did buy the new jersey but still wear the same Jets pajamas, rooting like crazy even if you know it's never going to last.  Then when nobody is watching, you'll take out your white Revis jersey and put it on and just dream about what could have been

Yeah it's super easy.  

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Take on the wall ad

As a salesman, I understand the need to draw attention to your product
but when I caught an ad on the side of a building down near Union
Square, I was more than a bit confused. The ad, for rental
properties, looked like it may as well have been an ad for some
Russian figure skating event.

Then again when you have to add "charming and renovated " to your
advertisements to cover "small and charmless", you better bring out
the stops and nothing helps a guy forget he's shelling out $2500 for a
300 foot studio than a set of Russian legs, even if it looks like
she's mogul skiing.
I assume Adina guarantees you a BJ and a great apartment, for 10% of a
years rent

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Take on a social media event

While the world watched what can beat described by a live version of
24 culminating in the FBI and local police departments apprehendingthe
second suspect of the Boston Marathon, it became pretty obvious the
way we follow breaking news had changed. People were listening to
the live police wire from a link online, Reddit had become the new
Sherlock Holmes and Twitter was exploding with new details.

A buddy later emailed me, knocking CNN and the other traditional
outlets for being a half hour behind on everything and saying they had
become largely irrelevant because of social media. Although I do
agree with this, in part, this breaking news forum using Internet
anarchy, may break a lot of news but carries almost none of the
responsibility of CNN, the BBC and the print (although you may not
know that from the actions of the media earlier this week)
I have read more wild speculation, presented as fact, on sights like
Reddit, Footballguys and twitter than I care to count. Yeah, it is
the place I turned when I wanted up to date information but I also
'learned' that there were bombs all over beantown, there were direct
ties to Chechnyan rebels who were running the entire operation
virtually, the 19 year old was spotted in NYC, Obama was sending
troops to Chechnya and a ton of others

Obviously the traditional news-sites left a lot to be desired this
week as well but they have been taken to task for it. The random
@bostonlurker or @joey.baga won't suffer the same fate

Friday, April 19, 2013

Take on the European Bath

You have to live those wacky Europeans, first they pride themselves on
bathing as little as possible but when they do, they plaster or all
over the toy store aisles

My kid got a box of toys the other day and as I'm looking at the
instructions, I notice that the box has this smoking hot chick sitting
in the bath with her kid. Now there is nothing wrong with this but
it's definitely not the kind of thing you would see on American

Not only does she scream "sex-bomb", in an otherwise completely
non-sexual situation but if you look closely enough, I think you can
catch a little nip

Anyway, I decided to let my kid keep the toys as long as I get to keep the box

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Take in the recyclers

When I see these crazy Chinese people digging through garbage to
salvage a couple of soda-cans, I'm always a bit confused by the
business model. These guys are walking down the street with shopping
carts, going from building to building and essentially assorting
through the returnable ones cans from the ones you get your beans in.
I've been thinking that they could really capitalize cause this entire
system seems inefficient. These guys need a better business model.
First they have to get away from this independent contract mentality
and combine forces, they have to utilize their skills collectively to
maximize profits.

If they hired me to help them run their business, I'd say that they
should be thinking bigger and ditching the shopping carts. If they
rented a UHaul and drove around manhattan collecting complete bags,
they woukd cover so much more ground. They could have a driver and two
guys whose job it was to sort through the bags in the back of thr
Uhaul. They collect the soda cans and drop the non redeemable ones at
the the next stop while collecting another unsorted haul. , I would
guess we could easily make twice what these guys make now if they just
have an action plan, and who knows we could eventually start
franchises, a pyramid scheme of undocumented workers all working in
unison to collect and sort aluminum
These guys need to pool their resources and build a business on
efficiency and scale

Then again, these guys dig through garbage for a living, not sure if
we can get all that sophisticated

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Take on the Senate

With the news today that the Senate rejected a motion to increase background checks for gun purchases. I'm left once again to question the guts of our elected officials.   I do not believe there are more than 20 senators who in their hearts believe background checks are a bad thing, they just don't have the conviction of their hearts and are as spineless as they come
I have no issue with responsible gun ownership but just like not allowing a 12 year old to buy cigarettes or beer, I think there need to be some restrictions based on qualification.   With freedom comes responsibility and it's out responsibility that you have your freedom 
Don't give me any bull about a background check taking away god-given rights because quite honestly I am too drunk and too jaded to take this kind of argument seriously.  Responsible gun ownership should the the cornerstone of any gun-rights activist and having anything other is an embarrassment

Who, except for the true Glenn Beck crazies, believes that a guy with a schizophrenia, a guy on the FBI terrorist list or some dude with an arrest sheet longer than my arm, should be armed?  I hate the constitutional argument because it is suppose to be a living document, able to change as time does.  Just like we no longer count back people as 3/5th of a white vote or we don't feel like women have a right to vote, we should not take the second amendment as scripture 
  Our founding fathers were a bunch of hillbilly slave owning racists who happened to put together a union which is evolving to hopefully become perfect but so far we are far from that

Keep guns out of the hands of the crazies, so that you not totally crazies can keep your hands on your triggers 


Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

take on the new season of Friends

when I heard a buddy of mine sent me the 'crazy rumor of the day' from Gawker about an NBC show coming back for one final season, I desperately hoped it would be a new season of Seinfeld.   For anybody who has any taste whatsoever, Seinfeld is one of the five best TV shows of all time bar-none and the only way to get my Seinfeld-fix today is with reruns on WPIX or through the incredibly clever @SeinfeldToday twitter handle.

but sadly, my hopes for a killer reunion of Elaine, Jerry, Kramer, George, Mr. Peterman, Newman, Uncle Leo, Frank and Estelle were squashed when the big Thursday Night hit the heads of Comcast decided to bring back was the incredibly lame Friends.    Never has a show been less interesting than the 22 minutes per week of these six dweebs living in a way too large an apartment on way too little money and drinking way too many skim milk latte's.  There is nothing that describes the pussyfication of our fine country better than this show about nothing important..  Six yuppy white people with a much humor between them as ordering a chocolate banana sundae and getting a vanilla cone instead.

sadly, there will some people 
who will be super excited about this and will hardly be able to keep from snorting when Ross first trips and lands ass first on tip of a brontosaurus tail and Monica finds Chandler with his dingy stuck in her new Dyson.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Take on the window seat

When I took a train from one smog filled city to another the other
day, I paid extra to get a first class ticket and asked for a window
seat. Although the train was delayed nearly an hour and a half and
I'd already had a long day, the thought of day dreaming while staring
out the window taking in the country seemed a way to relax and unwind
from a difficult few days

That was until I got to seat 1F which although reasonably comfortable
didn't exactly offer the view, I had hoped for. In China, they
aren't all that literal when it comes to selling you something as
vague as a 'window seat'. Apparently just getting a seat near the
spot where the window would be is enough for people

So here I sit, stuck for 3.5 hours with only the smell of the toilet
to keep me awake


Sunday, April 14, 2013

Take on the new Y

I am always hearing about how the Y is trying to appeal to a broader
demographic but when I get the new catalogue, I am not so sure. Long
gone are the picture of hip-hop kids shooting hoops or the dorky white
kids playing chess and instead there are a bunch of geriatrics just
hoping not to pop their artificial hips
On top of everything these guys are dressed like rainbow warriors,
which I guess is what old people do. Either that or their cataracts
has set in and they can't tell they are wearing purple pants with a
red shirt and green socks

If the Y really wants to service the community, maybe the should spend
more time making sure the kids don't dress like a bunch of circus

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Take on the Chinese Stall

I am as big a fan of Asian Culture as anybody and nobody likes a good
clean dump like me but what the hell is wrong with this picture at a
public restroom in China. I walk up to the pisser and all of a
sudden notice a pair of pants being thrown over the door of the
adjoining stall. I get the idea of not wanting to crap all over your
pants but if dumping in a hole involves getting completely naked, I am
not all that interested.
First of all, those floors are piss covered and there is just no way
to take off your pants without having to set your un-shoed foot in a
puddle of Chinese piss
Secondly, who the hell wants to take the risk if the little stall lock
properly working and potentially being caught hovering over a mountain
of human feces and getting the crap scared out of you

So I say, Thank you but no thank you China. I will take my sit down
toilets and keep my pants around my ankles, thank you very much

Friday, April 12, 2013

Take on the out of place GoBot

I love those ridiculously dressed up guys in TimesSquare as much as
anybody but I gotta think it's one of the most depressing jobs out
there when you take the entire gig into perspective. I catch some
guy on 9th avenue today probably on the way to home and honestly think
this dude probably goes home and beats his cat when he gets there.

At least this dude was dressed like a Gobot, songs night be able to
score some ass at the bars, the Mexican dressed as Luigi is happy he
doesn't get kicked in the nuts by the first available chick for
looking like Michael Kay

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Take on the FDR

If there is a more miserable stretch of highway than the southbound
FDR leading onto the ramp for the Triborough Bridge, please tell me
what it is.
You can drive down the FDR on Monday at 8AM, Sunday at noon or Friday
at 6pm, and you're stuck for a half an hour crawling along at 4mph.
Might be time to either add a couple of lanes for that merge or
otherwise kill off half off the NJ commuting population

I can't blame somebody for going FallingDown on that miserable highway

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Take on the hotel bathroom

I guess not all my hotel rooms are five-star double deckers... For all
the TOR readers who commented about the luxury i was living in, I
present the bathroom of the hotel I stayed in last night as evidence
to the contrary

Usually I believe that the fungus on my own feet serve as slippers
against the grime and filth of most nasty bathrooms as what I have
growing on my dogs can take anything else in a street fight without
problem... But even I was freaked out by the three inches of scum,
puke, mold and human waste that was caked onto the bottom of the tub
Next year I will make sure that I do not wash my feet for a month in

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Take on the five star bathroom

Some parts of China really are the best.  When I checked into my hotel room last night, I was shocked how big it was.  Two floors with two bedrooms, full living room, big staircase, two bathrooms and a jacuzzi.  The place is literally bigger than any apartment I have ever lived in and they even make your bed for you and the best thing is that they have a sit down toilet!!

I sent some pictures around of my palatial estate and a buddy commented with 'what a life' which sounds good except when you see the bathroom I left in said hotel room
Maybe it was the bird-flu infested chicken, maybe it was some dead floating pig meat I was slipped of maybe it was this disgusting spice which tastes like rotting cheese they out on everything but my colon has had a cleaning that can be most closely equated to birth.  
I felt like I was in a twisted episode of Gremlins meets a volcano where the creature is trying to busy through your stomach and eventually explodes.  
Luckily for me, I was at a place with a sit down toilet...the rest of the day may not be pleasant

I wonder if I should have left a few bucks for the poor Chinese girl who will have to clean that thing.  This is a five star hotel and I just left the DeathStar in their wake.  Then again maybe the one getting a tip is the maintenance guy because tgey might be better off just replacing it all together or since it is China they can rip it out and leave a big hole

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, April 8, 2013

Take on the $1200 stroller

There are a lot of things I do not understand: quantum physics, the technology behind composite vapor deposition, the reason a dude would wear cologne and why anybody would spend over a thousand dollars on a stroller

But Righetti, you don't understand this stroller allows you to navigate the sidewalks and escalators using the latest German technology, designed by a Russian rocket scientist and using Japanese engineered struts, Italian design lines, Norwegian color schemes and Swiss precision parts. It has all terrain tires tested in the Alps, the body is entirely titanium with the fabric made from organically grown natural fibers and assembled only by Chinese  villagers with advanced engineering degrees.  It allows for three positions for your baby to see the wonders of this great world and doubles as an inversion board and even has a cup-holder fitted for specifically for a Venti double mocha soy milk latte.

I see these uppity white chicks pushing these high-end strollers all over the upper east side and I wonder how rich people must be, that they can throw over a thousand dollars for something that was perfected for a tenth the price. I mean feeling the need to have the latest nordic technology in stroller is nothing more than a status symbol because nobody in their right mind would actually believe that this is even remotely necessary.   Any rationalization that this is a benefit to a child's development because of it uses sound waves to play Mozart and is ergonomically designed to allow for improved head control or improved vocalization is marketing junk  

Buying a stroller which costs more than two months worth of groceries, will not make your baby smarter, develop more quickly, start walking at 8 months, become fluent in Japanese or start writing concertos as 3... yet people spend more money on it than they would on a car seat which actually may save your kid's life
I have an acquaintance, who tells me the reason she bought it for her daughter three years ago because she only wants the best for her daughter, somehow implying that the $180 City-Mini which my kid gets pushed around in implied I love her less.   The sad thing is that people actually believe this, thinking something as materialistic as a stroller, an outfit or a mobile will make any difference in a child's life when all they need is attention.   It will not make your child smarter of happier, just like spending $2000 on a purse won't make you happier unless you care what other people think. 
 Iit is the kind of mentality that leads to the ultra-competitive parenting outdoing one another for the most organically fed, mandarin taught, yoga going future Einstein 

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Sunday, April 7, 2013

Take on the Chinese Fisg

Every business meal in China is completed not with a piece of Cheescake and an espresso but instead with a fish and not just any fish.   Apparently, the Chinese character for mutual profit is similar to the one for fish, so the custom is to finish every meal with a local fish to show the cooperation between the business people.  They will always comment how this fish comes from some local river, which is very nice except that every local river is green with pollutants.  The factories here use the waterways as their own private dumps.  RiverKeepers could keep busy for a thousand years

And if you can get past the fact they probably have three eyes then realize that the Chinese just found 12,000 dead pig carcasses in the rivers and just killed off 20,000 birds because of the new bird-flu

Then you realize the PCB's, dead pig and sick birds are the least of your worries cause the server just came out of the bathroom and there is no running water, no toilet paper and definitely no soap

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Saturday, April 6, 2013

Take on the American stewardess

Delta, American and United could learn something from their Asian compadres and it has nothing to do with on-time arrivals or leg-room.   The major differences aren't about food or comfort but about the fact that the American legacy airlines have a bunch of stewardesses who are as old and broken as their fleets.   Just walk through an airport and see the lineup of the women working Asiana or Singapore and you'll be amazed, it's like a lineup of hot..  While the American's are all wearing pant-suits, with stains on their shirts and have lipstick that looks like it was out on under black-light, the Asians show up looking like they came out of the pacific rim's Vogue.  They are stylish and attractive and the best part is that, unlike these geriatric americans, when you see their ankles they don't look like they are smuggling tennis balls across international border.
The thing is that because of seniority the oldest ones get the most exotic flights and the business and first class cabins, so when you are on a 14 hour flight to Beijing, you are dealing with some cranky old broad who looks like she a fatter, older and less attractive Ricki Lake (if that is even possible)  They feel entitled and have lost all sense of customer service but mostly they are a complete and utter eyesore. The Asians recruit hot, young chicks as a walking billboard.  The broads from Singapore Air make you want to fly their airline and visit their country and spend lavishly. The chicks from American make you want to reach for the vomit bag

This is what I hate about feminism, it doesn't allow a woman to dress like a woman. I hate chicks in comfortable shoes, especially flats, I hate women in pant-suits especially fluorescent ones and I hate women who look like they don't give a crap what they look like and don't groom their faces
I also hate most dudes who pay too much attention to their own look, who can't get ready in 5 minutes flat or who excessively groom so don't call me anything but a equal opportunistic sexist. 

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, April 5, 2013

Take on the Smoker

OMG Facts (@OMGFacts)
One-third of the world's smokers are Chinese, amounting to a smoking population greater than the entire population of the United States.

There are a lot of surprises when you wake up in China but when I read that a third of all the world's smokers are Chinese I was not at all surprised.   I swear that every single dude in this country smokes about a pack of butts per hour which compared to breathing in the smog might actually be safer. 
It is as if people have decided to use a Marlboro in place of a face-mask, probably because they are cheaper.   Nowhere in the world is smoking more prevalent that in Asia, every Korean smells like an kimchee covered ashtray, every Japanese guy reeks of tobacco and 12 year old panties and every guy in China has teeth which are so tarnished by smoke that you think you are staring at a post-it.  In
China people smoke in restaurants, in shops, in cars, on streets and you honestly feel like you are walking around like PigPen.  

We don't do everything right and there are definitely issues limiting our personal responsibilities and freedoms which is something I sometimes really grapple with bit when you consider the health risks to the non-smoker, it seems almost asinine that there is opposition at all

Ever notice who are the only people who still smoke in the USA?  The poorly educated hicks and the bratty kids of the rich and honestly I am happy with the natural selection that will inevitably occur because of it

Why should the health of my kids be out at risk because some hillbilly high-school dropout doesn't have the personal fortitude to kick his nicotine addiction.   

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Thursday, April 4, 2013

Take on Chinese Fashion

This is the kind of a scene which really describes China. A crowded
train station at 3 in the afternoon with about 10,000 people looking
to crowd into a 3:30 train in 15 minutes and all dressed like they
left their mirrors in 1456. Color coordination means nothing in China
as you have guys happily dressed like every color of the rainbow with
their blue shirts, purple pants and black jackets which is fine if
they are ben remotely clean because it is not uncommon to have a
business meeting with a dude wearing a brown polo with more stains on
it than my toilet will have when I am done destroying it tonight

but even if that isn't the worst of it, just look at the dude in the
middle with his fat finger shoved so far up his nose that you'd think
he's performing brain surgery. We all pick our noses and in a place
like China where they count the pollution in parts per thousand as
opposed to parts per billion, you need to clear your sinuses up fairly
often as those nose hairs pick up cotton sized pollution regularly,
but as a Westerner you have to be somewhat discreet. These slobs
don't give a crap and will pick their nose or their teeth as they are
having lunch with you and fling whatever they find across the table.
You just hope it doesn't get hidden in the noodles as that is the only
thing on the LazySusan you are even interested in eating.

And you just know this slob will come and shake your hand, wiping his
nose gunk all over your hand.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Take on the grey outside my window

When you first land in Beijing after an exhausting 13 hour flight you feel like you are landing into a cloud.  Sitting at the window, you don't see the typical skyline, coastline or highline, you only see grey.  The first time I came over here, I was a 21 year old kid but now as a ten trip veteran at the age of 37, I'm a little bit more jaded.   I remember sitting at a hotel in a major industrial city in the heartland of China a decade ago and calling home and mentioning that it was so foggy here.  I had had breakfast at the top floor and hadn't been able to see out of the window across the street.   The next day when I sat in the same spot seeing the same fog, I thought it must be a weird weather pattern.  The next day I was getting a bit concerned because with only one day left, I had not taken an amazing picture from, I had hoped to of the bustling city.  On day three, as I was met with the same foggy view, it dawned on me.  This wasn't fog at all bit instead smog.   All those crazies wearing their facial masks were the smart ones
The country is amazing in it's growth, history and potential bit good god you can't walk 15 feet without coughing up a lung

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Take on my dangerously short Achilles

OMG Facts (@OMGFacts)
Most western adults can't squat with their heels flat. This is due to shortened Achilles tendons, the result of sitting too much

When I read the above OMGFact, my first thought was that Asian's have it good with their elongated Achilles, their hairless legs and their endless supply of smog keeping any sunlight from hitting their ageless faces (until they hit the Great Wall of Menopause and all of a sudden look like Kim Jong-Il). 

Then I heard from a non East-Asian friend that she too is able to squat flat-footed and suspects women have longer tendons than men because they have to hover over public toilet seats.    Of course, she too is of Asian descent, so who the hell knows if this is true for all chicks.   I have to think that those big fat midwestern hogs probably can't keep this balance up and just plop their zit covered asses on any piece of porcelain that will have them so they too have short Achilles. 

But even if some chicks have less of this issue, I figure that it is probably an affliction that hits most guys.  A dude does much less toilet squatting in a lifetime because honestly how often are you even on a public toilet in a week?  maybe once if you had bad Korean food on 32nd street?? 

So although this meant that I never had the indignity of looking like a prepubescent Japanese boy on the playground, it's not all that peaches and fish-head soup when you realize you are about to go to a place where you shit into a hole and are now stuck with puny Achilleses (editors note: I have no idea what the plural of Achilles is and suspect it is like fish where both the singular and the plural are the same but to cover all basis I am also adding the TOR version of it)

I've decided that I will have my kids to squat when they sit like all those wacky Japanese kids from my elementary school so that, if they ever have to drop a deuce in China, they can do so without ending up swimming in a hole of human excrement. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

Take on the welder mask

There is a lot of bad fashion out there but in general, Korean women
take the prize when it comes to awful fashion sense. Whether they
are sporting those ridiculous sequenced track suits, those purple
bouffant perms or the latest Nike sneakers with a pant-suit, they set
new highs (or lows) for fashion

But what I've noticed more of recently, are the large visors, it used
to be that they wore these hats with visors the size of a large pizza
to keep their perfectly bland skin from picking up an inkling of color
but now they've gone a step further and started to wear these ones
that look like a welders mask. Not long before they start sporting a
gas mask