Thursday, April 30, 2009

Metropolitan Diarrhea

Reading this week's Metropolitan Diary in the Times and it was once again stuffed with self serving garbage

take the following letter from some hick


It was shortly after the debut of the movie “Fargo.” My elegant Minnesota sister (from Lake Wobegon country) and I passed the venerable Steinway piano store on our way to Carnegie Hall. She admired a piano on display and waxed rhapsodic (and quite loudly) about its grand features. She is, after all, a piano teacher.
A passing gentleman halted in his tracks as he overheard her. I thought he might be making a pass at her. (As I said, she is quite elegant.) No, no; all he said was, “Say something.”

Terribly surprised, she uttered the first thing that entered her mind: “Yah, sure, you betcha.”

He then uttered just one word — “Fargo” — and disappeared. 
Sonja Ann Stepperud

hey thanks for the boring story and more importantly thanks for the added detail that you were on the way to Carnegie Hall.  For one it made no difference to the story but it did give you the satisfaction that now all your friends know you are cultured.

then again you can be Jen Hulger and have to make sure that everybody knows you have an internship.. Surprised that she didn't leave her phone number and attached her resume.

Dear Diary:
I exited the No. 3 train at Park Place very early one morning, tired as ever and in no shape to show up at my internship by 9 a.m.
As I boarded the escalator in the subway station, I glanced at the electronic sign above. “Do not rest,” it said.
I was confused until the second half of the message scrolled across the screen: “... your umbrella on the escalator.”
Jen Thum

I hate people

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

New Memories

The great things about a great night of drinking is that there is always the potential that the night ends with a couple of great new stories. The problem is that some people black out and don’t remember urinating on the subway platform, jumping in a pile of garbage or making out with a fat chick but I have a memory like an elephant and we all have a good laugh about it for years.

I stood in the audience at a funeral earlier this week and it struck me that everybody talked about some memory from 20 years ago, nobody talked about last week or last year, it was all buried somewhere in the 1900’s.
This got me thinking the other day is how crazy it is that people who have known each other for years hang out at bars or at dinner and talk mostly about the memories they formed years ago which in itself isn't a bad thing but it’s living in the past.
I can't figure out if the funniest stories just happened between the ages of 15 and 25 or that they are just the drunkest.  Shit maybe it’s just that people get lame and nobody thinks the first time their buddies kid took a dump in the can and not his pamper is just not a great memory for his them, but how many times do you get together with a couple of buddies and sit around and just bullshit about the old times and laugh about some ridiculous event that happened years ago.

What is crazy about it is that in these cases it almost seems that everybody is resigned to the fact that there are no new memories to make. This isn’t just about getting drunk, it’s just good genuine fun people have. Why aren't there any funerals where the best stories where from this month or last week, they are always about years and years ago.

What I can’t seem to figure out if new funny moments can't happen anymore or that the memories bank is full. It sometimes feels as if you spend your first 25 years to make memories so that you have something stupid to talk about years later.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Is there a worst television program than Friends? Sitting on another 8 hour flight with nothing to watch, I fell into the trap which is Ross and Rachel. It is amazing this show lasted so long as it was not funny or clever, interesting or entertaining.

I know there are people out there (you know who you are) who find comfort in the concept but take a step back and you will realize that there were too many characters, not enough story-line and almost no real yuks. How this show followed Seinfeld in the best piece of broadcast real-estate is an insult. I cannot ever remember anybody ever telling a great story and it being related to Friends.
Take the characters
Jennifer Anniston and Courtney Cox are too similar and neither has anything close to the ability to carry a scene or a moment, well that is unless you eliminate the way they were both able to nip their way into every boys dreams. They got too successful and too happy to ever be realistic

The three dudes are badly written and limited as actors, especially the Mathew Perry character who became completely expendable and I believe the creators only kept his character around cause they already paid for the buffet.

The blond chick was a mistake from the beginning, never added anything to the dynamic and unlike the other two broads weren't even good looking.

The settings were boring, the story lines tired and the laughs limited.

TOR gives this show: two nips out.

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Monday, April 27, 2009


As I hear reports of swine disease running rampant in high schools across the country it dawned on my that the only swine disease we worried about while in High School was that weird itch you get when you take a leak from the from the fat chicks who always starred on the softball team.
This swine disease proves again why I don't put pork on my fork. The pig is a disgusting animal and should not be consumed.
It always bothered me how Tarantino framed this argument between Samuel Jackson and fat John Travolta when Samuel Jackson's character explains that he won't eat an animal which eats it own shit and Travolta responds that a dog does that too and isn't considered filthy. Sam Jackson's point is that a dog has charm because of it's personality when really he SHOULD have said that he would NOT eat dog either.. End of argument instead these idiots banter on about personalities and charm.

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Sunday, April 26, 2009

Blow air up this scoliosis

Have you ever spent a night on an air mattress? This is the waterboarding for travelers, this is absolute torture.

I slept on one last night and today it feels like Fat Bastard tapdanced on my back. I feel like a crippled trapeze artist, how some company can possibly market this as a 'comfortable' night sleep is the biggest piece of marketing crap I have ever heard. I would prefer to sleep a night on burning shards of glass than ever spend another night like this.

I am also not sure about using another person's toothpaste, it might be disgusting though I haven't decided for sure.
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Saturday, April 25, 2009

Back across the pond

I might have set the world record from air travel when I flew to Belgium on Monday landing on Tuesday, to Germany on Wednesday, back to New York on Thursday and then back to Holland on Friday.

During the travels got a chance to catch up on some movies: Yes Man and Frost/Nixon. I can't review Yes Man as the movie crapped out on me with about 10 minutes to go but my guess is he ends u with the chick. As for Frost/Nixon I have to say that it may have been Greg Kinnear's best work since Talk Soup.
I don't know how the country reacted in 1977 after the interview but Nixon was humanized in the film's version of the interview and although it probably made for compelling television did not across as the gotcha moment one of the research guys was hoping for. I know there was the Cambodia moment and the "if the President doe it, it isn't illegal" thing but it seems that by the end of the interview Nixon was a beaten man who seemed to start to feel remorse. Now his remorse might be fueled only by his loss of control but still this country loves the person who apologizes and admits fault. Look at Mark McGwire or Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens, if one of these aholes just admitted what they did the country would start to forgive them, the stonewalling becomes worse than the crime.
Tying this to the present day Nixon. I read yesterday that Junior Bush has only spoken with Cheney once since they left office.

Sadly if you put W into an interview with David Frost he might come across as somewhat sympathetic especially if he apologized for being a total f*ckup. Like the frat-boy who didn't realize that mixing margaritas in the washing machine wouldn't be a great idea.. (Actually that sounds like a great idea for a Hoboken party)
Cheney would never come across sympathetic, and as George Lucas told Maureen Dowd, she has been wrong to dub him Darth Vader.. Since Anakin has been manipulated by power he is not true evil. Darth Vader is Junior Bush and Cheney is the emperor

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Friday, April 24, 2009

Sometimes you don't know till you know

You know when you ask somebody a question like “what did you do last month on the 2nd Saturday?” and they answer you with something idiotic like “I don’t even remember what I had for lunch today”
Well this does sometimes happened but luckily God has created a fool proof tracking system to make sure you had a healthy lunch. Let me explain.
I’m standing in the john the other day watering the old hose when all of a sudden a strong noxious odor comes over me. I inspect and this isn’t one of those ‘not enough water’ moments and luckily it wasn’t one of those “I thought I was gonna rip wind but instead I…..” I stand there in shock and for a few seconds I rack my brain trying to figure out where it might have originated and all of a sudden I realize I did have that asparagus earlier in the day.

This is one of God’s little secrets; weird smelling asparagus urine, red beets and the back-door dealings of the NY State assembly. Things that have some explanation but having to hear the dirty details isn’t really worth you going through the trouble. Somehow it seems (and smells) like your body is trying to give you some information, like this is poisonous for you kind of like when you pull your hand away when you touch a hot stove but we’re just to pig-headed to see what is obviously somebody screaming for help.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Take on the Blue Tooth

I stand online and all of a sudden some dude standing next to me starts asking about some way to pull equity out of his house in this market, I turn around and start to answer him and he looks at me like I am the guy who's got not clue about what's been happening since September.
I think he's some lunatic who is talking to himself and nobody's home, then realize he's got one of those stupid blinking earpieces and he's having a conversation with somebody else.

Is there anything more arrogant that some jackass standing around having a seemingly normal conversation with himself. I am sorry that you can't expend the energy to lift your arm up to your head but it wouldn't kill you to live within the confines of normal society. Now if your operating heavy machinery or driving a Hyundai Sonata than I can see the need to have two hands available but when you are standing on one of those security lines at the airport it's the equivalent of taking out your winky and peeing on the floor.

I am not anti-technology but I am anti anti-social and there is nothing more anti-social than this bluetooth revolution. Just look around, and anybody who has one of these things and isn't in a car is an absolute arrogant a-hole.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Floor 0

There is a lot about European's which I don't understand including the whole not showering every day, not using deodorant and then wearing the same shirt a week in a row but I have found a new peeve.

I am at the hotel in Germany and haven't slept in days, I go to the lobby to find out where the gym is but don't see the front desk, no lady, no nothing.. I go up and down and can't find the lobby, I feel like I'm stuck in Ghostbusters II, like I have to make the elevator stop between floors to find the one with the nice front desk German lady.

What the hell is floor 0? I think of floor 0 an think that this is where Lucifer hangs out. In the normal capitalistic world we have sense that the first is the first not the abyss.

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Red White and You

I remember the moment so vividly, I was 18 or 19 sitting up in the upper deck of Yankee Stadium with my buddies during a weekend day game. One of the guys and occasional relief bitcher had our one fake ID and managed to swindle a couple of Budweisers for $6 a piece.
It was at this exact moment, in those cheap upper-deck seat, on this beautiful afternoon that I fell in love with beer. It was the combination of taste, feel and atmosphere but a miraculous marriage between man and hops took place. Now it wasn't by first beer or not even my 100th one but it was the first one I really enjoyed. Before this one beer, I would drink to get drunk, but after this beer I drank beer cause I loved it.
To this day there is no place I' rather be than bellied up to a bar, in a beer garden or cracking open a cold Bud at a baseball game. My tastes have change (matured?) but I will forever remember that one day when I went from tolerating to loving beer.

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Monday, April 20, 2009

Did somebody cross Junior Gotti?

So I am reading that there are a bunch of dead polo horses in Florida.. I know nothing about polio but I wonder who is considered the athlete. I mean the horse is doing 95% of the work but I am sure they don't get any of the accolades. Then they get made into glue

At least I horse racing, it's the horse gets the credit and then they are made into glue

Is there a dumber system than escalator for the airtrain at Newark airport? Some genius decides to put the only working escalator in the entire terminal and it is set to down. Of course they realize that this is one of the only situations where an up escalator would be helpful as people have to schlep forty thousand suitcases up about 90 steps
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Sunday, April 19, 2009

Ed Hartford Hardy

Standing at some Hartford bar last night i was hit by a few facts:

Hartford has about the most segregated bar scene this side of 1940, there are very obvious 'black bars' and 'white bars' and there is no black-and-white cookie variety

As I was only allowed into one of the kind, here are some observations. There are a lot of white chicks at these bars who need drop about 40 pounds but who are under the impression that if they show off their milkers they can justify wearing a tight shirt which also sadly emphasizes their Nightmare on Elm Street looking mid sections. The dance floor looks like a slaughter house.

But as bad as that look may be, it does not compare to the Nightmare on Elm Street Ed Hardy shirts that these doochbags wear.
I will not claim to know much about fashion but I know one thing: there is no excuse for a self respecting male to ever wear a shirt with glitter and dragons.. When you've spent more on your T-shirt than you'll spent on beer that night, you don't deserve to get laid.

If you haven't seen one of these atrocities, the best way to describe it is that it looks like some dude's puked on a red canvas and not only decided to wear it but also sent $60 on it.
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Saturday, April 18, 2009

So you claim you are a big Yankee fan?

As the baseball season hits it's third week after both the Yankees and Mets have opened their new stadium and the both David Wright and Derek Jeter have christened the new parks with big homeruns it has come to my attention that baseball fans should be silenced.

I have heard Mets fans for one straight week bitch and moan about Citi Field and how bad the sight-lines are, how long the concession lines are an how much Dodger Blue is out there... The rest of the complaints are mostly legit but only a scum Met fan would complain about a part of the stadium that honors Jackie Robinson. Somebody tell whitebread that the world doesn't revolve around your crappy Long Island town.

But Yankee fans are worse, they board their trains and busses from NJ and Connecticut decked out from head to toe in pinstripes. All talking about the good old days of 1996 and 1998 and claiming they've been die-hards since Roberto Kelly was the next Mickey Mantle. They speak nostalgically about the House that Ruth built and tell you how passionate they are... except one little small thing somebody forgot to tell them that YANKEE JERSEYS DON'T HAVE NAMES ON THE BACK.

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Friday, April 17, 2009

Reading the NY Times

Couple of interesting NYT articles caught my eye today.

Interrogation Memos Detail Harsh Tactics by the C.I.A
The documents were released with minimal redactions, indicating that President Obama sided against current and former C.I.A. officials who for weeks had pressed the White House to withhold details about specific interrogation techniques. Leon E. Panetta, the C.I.A. director, had argued that revealing such information set a dangerous precedent for future disclosures of intelligence sources and methods

...In dozens of pages of dispassionate legal prose, the methods approved by the Bush administration for extracting information from senior operatives of Al Qaeda are spelled out in careful detail — like keeping detainees awake for up to 11 straight days, placing them in a dark, cramped box or putting insects into the box to exploit their fears.
Together, the four memos give an extraordinarily detailed account of the C.I.A.’s methods and the Justice Department’s long struggle, in the face of graphic descriptions of brutal tactics, to square them with international and domestic law. Passages describing forced nudity, the slamming of detainees into walls, prolonged sleep deprivation and the dousing of detainees with water as cold as 41 degrees alternate with elaborate legal arguments concerning the international Convention Against Torture.

TOR's Take:
Panetta's agrues that revealing this information sets a dangerous precedent for future methods. What exactly have they revealed in this which is even remotely new or novel.. We have heard about water-boarding, naked head-stands and rabid dogs a hundred times. From what I can tell, the the only new thing I'm seeing is that they sent a few instects into a room.

If this is the best interogation the CIA has we are trouble, what's next they are going to have the terrorits sit on a plane in between those two twins from the Guiness Book of World Records and a screaming baby on his lap?

funny you mention fat people on planes. The NY Times also reported that 'Obese Airline Passengers Must Purchase an Additional Seat'

United Airlines will start bumping obese passengers from sold-out flights and asking them to buy two tickets or upgrade to business class, the airline announced. United says it received more than 700 complaints last year from passengers who were uncomfortable because the person next to them "infringed on their seat," a spokeswoman for the company said.
I am 100% behind this thought and think that if you ahve a size 48 ass you should need two metrocards

An unrelated NY Times report says
Citigroup reports a profit bank’s reported income of $1.6 billion was helped by an accounting adjustment that allowed a one-time gain of $2.5 billion on its derivative positions

I need to figure out how to make one of those one-time accounting adjusments to my savings account

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hey Homless guy, do you mind not peeing in the subway???

So I know we are in Afghanistan to avoid another 9/11 and I believe we should stay there only out of necessity to police the resurging Taliban because quite frankly Nation Building is not realistic.
The Afghan people are like the NYC homeless, you can hide them away, you can give them treatment, you can kill their squeegee business but you are not going to be able to get rid of the situation in it’s entirety. These are people who have been beaten down for so many years they don’t trust anybody, take an Afghan guy in his thirties and he has probably never lived in a time where he wasn't fighting Soviets, bowing to the Taliban, getting controled byAl Quada or having their lives run by warlords. The Mujahideen has fought so many battles that their scars are scarred and by now they have lost all sense of normal.

They may as well be the homeless guy sitting in a puddle of his own urine on the subway

Just look at these faces as the people who protested yesterday.
Mind you that they were protesting to defend their right to rape their wives. The same wives they force illiteracy upon and refuse to let walk around without being covered head-to-toe.
If this was happening in ‘civilized society’ sociologists would say that there was an epidemic of antisocial behavior but in Afghanistan it’s Wednesday.

But then again in our ‘free’ society people are getting gunned down in schools, immigration centers and old person’s hospitals by gun-wielding psychopaths who feel bad for being outcast cause they don’t speak proper English or are afraid Obama is going to take away their guns.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I'll have some cream and sugar with my Tea Party

So the Conservative Movement is having Tea Parites all across the land to mark tax day and what they say as some kind of taxation without representation.  In the future they should consider having these things around election time when they might be able to get 'representation' elected as opposed to doing it now and just causing a lot of traffic jams across the countries.. but then again who listens to logic?

The one question I had is where were these Tea Parties when Junior Bush was spending money like a drunken sailor?  

My opinion about taxes is pretty easy.  I don't like to pay them but understand the government needs it as revenue.  If there is a better system out there (FairTax maybe?) I'm all ears but the concept of cutting taxes when you are raging two wars is about as smart as going to Iraq without an exit strategy.  

What I am not a fan of by the way is NY States Tony Soprano like back-room dealings up in Albany and the new tax increase on the wealthy.  I see NY State as completely disfunctional and if they have proven anything it is that they are all a bunch of crooks.   There has to be some kind of pay-as-you-go thing up in Albany because they keep getting more money and I keep getting less subway trains.

Here is a Relief Bitch from an old Favorite

Bump Bein is 2-3 with a WHIP of 1.04 but he does strike out a batter an inning.

you know how the gov't is now saying that GM is going to declare bankrupcy in June, after taking billions in bailout money. I think it's like going to the city and circling for a spot for like 30 min and then parking in a pay lot. I mean you could have payed to park a half hour ago, and enjoyed more of your evening.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I hate EVITE and everything it stands for..

It should be called E-Spy! ! No not those terrible sports awards they give out in the middle of the summer but instead like a mini E-KGB. See when you log onto EVITE you are immediately flagged for having been there regardless if you responded. It's like fingerprint that you were snooping around and for somebody who loves to snoop this is a death wish.

So you are forced immediately to make a decision of whether you will go or not and then be asked to come up with some witty remark.   So as soon as I get an email saying that I have an Evite, I just cross my fingers and pray it's an UNVITE.

See the fingerprint is only visible to the person who set up the Evite in the first place and it is invasive.
If I wanted this kind of oversight I would have moved to Stalin's Russia

I’m sure that the crap that Facebook throws out there has its flaws, the biggest being that you have to log onto god-damn Facebook

If you want me to come to your shitty party send me a card in the mail.

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Monday, April 13, 2009

the last time three shots hit this hard it was those Jagermeister shots on Thursday Night

You have to pretty impressed with the Navy SEALS and those three snipers taking out the three guys 150 feet away on a bopping boat. The last time I was on a boat, I think I puked from the second I got on until 30 minutes after I got off, to think you can concentrate a sharp-shoot 3 Somalians is pretty impressive.

Not sure how this will affect the next hostage negotiation but something tells me that the next US Captain caught up in one of these Somalian pirate situation won't be afforded the time the last guy was.. But again we'll see.

I'm sure these guys will claim that the US esculated the violence since these pirates never take the hostages out but then again they did have a gun pointed at his head.

by the way when exactly did pirating go from something that kids did with music to something Somalians did with captains?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Somalian Pirates

There is something that isn't clear to me about these pirates.. How the hell are five fishermen in a row boat able to take over some of these huge tankers? At what point do the shipping companies hire a bunch of the same bouncers that patrol the front steps of NYC's shittiest clubs.

Have a couple of these 6'6" 300lb dudes hang out checking ID's on the hulls of these boats and let see how much trouble these row boat pirates are then.

Add a couple of these pit-bulls on the boat and whenever you see a canoe of Somalians approaching start blasting house music from speakers set up on the deck boat and line up a velvet rope around the perimeter.

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Saturday, April 11, 2009

The two day hangover

You know you had a big night when the next morning a large black coffee can't get you through the day. Nothing works as you fight the fog built up in the head and the entire feeling is as if your body has been drained of all its energy by those lightning bolts the Emperor shoots

Then there are the days when even the Emperor's bolts seem like child's play.. When the force is so strong that it first wipes you out and then meticulously eats away any piece of hidden energy you have stored away. After a normal night of drinking you can usually rally the next day and at least save face but after an epic night there is no rally anymore it is just a slow death.

The normal cures (grease and water) are no match and even the seemingly fair-proof "start drinking again" can't overcome it. This is the hangover which is so debilitating that it puts you out of commission for two days. When you wake up two days later and still feeling like Hacksaw Jim took a 2x4 to the inside of my head you, you know you are fucked but you also know you had a big night..

Then you vow to never have one like that again.
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Friday, April 10, 2009

Jim Nantzy

There probably isn't a better gig out there than the various events that Jim Nantz  gets to cover for CBS. This guy will have seasons where he'll do the Superbowl in February, the NCAA tournament in March and the Masters in April. Bob Costas used to be the predominant sportscaster in the US but Nantz just seems to fit that role right now. The funny thing is that I think he is god-awful at a lot of what he does, so because you guys care, I decided to rank Jim Nantz's various events

the Masters. This is his best event by far, I think for golf he is fantastic. He has a really gets a good feel for it, has a perfect voice and intonations for the flow of the game. A Master's Sunday without Nantz would not feel right

NCAA tournament. He's pretty awful here and it doesn't help that Clark Kellogg is as dull at a rock but the fact that Nantz gets top billing is unbelievable to me. In my mind there is absolutely no reason why the NCAA doesn't put Gus Johnson on every play-by-play NCAA tournament game he can physically get to.

NFL.. he is completely brutal .

You wrap this entire thing together with the fact that he's got the hots for Barbara Bush and defends her idiot son and you get a horrid human being

so I read on that the Pet Shop boys have been asked by PETA to change their name to the Rescue Shelter Boys.. PETA should stick with pouring blood on people not interfering with terrible pop music.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

there is no We in team

when you are watching your favorite team on TV you have to realize something: You are not part of the team, you are not getting paid to play and whether you watch or do not watch has zero influence on how the team plays.

I don't care if you show up with an authentic Robinson Cano jersey, you have season tickets or if Michael Kay is your uncle.  Get it through your thick head you are not on the squad since they don't pay you to play and you don't have any influece on the wins and losses of the team

The only time 'we' is at least somewhat acceptable

1) if you are a member of the team

2) if you own the team

Other than these two reasons you should use "the Yankees", "the team i route for" or "they"!!!

I'll take it a step further.. if you are the 25th man on an American League baseball team or the last guy on the basketball squad your use of 'we' should be limited.

I might conceded that the use of 'We;' when you are talking about the Olympics is OK in some situations but I am not even sure about that..

And I'm sick of people telling me that they use 'we' because they claim they are die-hards and have posters on the walls, tattoos on their arms, and jersey's on their backs.

You can be a huge Tiger Woods fan but you would never say "we won the Masters", why???? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT TIGER WOODS

You could be a big fan of the Slumdog Millionaire and it wins for best picture you don't stand up and say "we won an oscar" .. you know why you wouldn't? cause you had nothing to do with the movie (unless maybe you are Indian)

And don't give me this bull about paying big money to see your team play.. you pay big money to watch an individual sport, a movie or a play on Broadway but that doesn't make you part of the production (unless I guess you are dating the chick from The Little Mermaid)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

stop throwing your trash on my streets!!!!

This blog post is a bit inspired by the blog my buddy Otis put up a few days ago but it's something that has been bugging me for a long time.

Why do people who typically don't live in Manhattan treat Manhattan like a giant frigging garbage dump. A few years ago while I was living in Hell's Kitchen and on my way home some jackass with opens up his car-door as he sat idling in front of my apartment building.  A hand comes out of the care and he throws a bag of McDonalds crap right onto my sidewalk.

In a moment of clarity/stupidity I walk up to the guy
Rigehtti : Hey man, what the hell why are you littering?

Big Italian dude: excuse me?

Righetti: you just threw McDonalds crap on the street for no reason, there is a garbage can 15 feet away.

Big Italian dude: Get the fuck out of my face

RIghetti: I will, as soon as you clean up the garbage you just threw on my stoop

Big Italian dude: go fuck yourself

Righetti: I don't come to your shitty town in Rutherford, Staten Island or Belerose or whereever you live and throw shit on your sidewalk

Big Italian Dude: Get out of my face you piece of shit..
Big Italian Dude flip me the bird and drives off.

I don't understand why people feel like littering is OK in any case but why especially in a big city they feel they have the right to throw shit all over the street as if this city is their own garbage dump.

first of all, get out of my city with your gas guzzler you ungrateful bastard. I hope they bring back that back the transit tax for people who live outside NYC but work in the city and then add that Bloomberg congestion pricing fee for driving cars in the middle of the city. Honestly every ahole from NJ, Long Island, Westchester who uses this city should be forced to pay a payroll tax and then bring any ahole (from NYC or outside) to central booking when they are caught littering.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I'm afraid of the dark.

not really but I'm definitely afraid of some rogue country pointing a nuke right at my ass even if every time the North Korean's shoot a rocket it seems a lot more like a Righetti after a few too many whiskey's and not a Righetti on a full bottle of passion-fruit Snapple.

In the meantime, is it just me or do you get the feeling the Obama administration sees the Automotive and Banking business in two different ways. I know that we're told that we can't afford to let the banks fail while that isn't exactly the same as the automotive industry which should not fail. There is a very small nuanced difference here but it's pretty important.

Is this because they truly don't think the banking industry can fail or because they just don’t understand it?  The banking industry has been hiring mathematicians to run these complex derivatives while the manufacturing plant has been hiring frat boys to run the show.  It's funny if you speak with people since everybody has some kind of opinion of how GM can get fixed but nobody has any idea how AIG should get fixed.

This is where I think the administration is with this right now, they are getting talked in circles by two groups of people and they have decided that although they will not get embarrassed by the blue-color folk they are afraid of the white-color folk cause they don't really believe they can fix the problem.

The AIG thing is so embarrasing because as Jon Stewart has already said, we are giving the banks money to cover their crappy loans and then we are giving AIG money to insure those same crappy loans.. in other words we are insuring the same crappy loans twice.
Not letting AIG fail has come down to one thing.  Obviously all the insurance they have been offering is nothing more than pie-in-the sky, they weren't insuring anything and the 120 billion they've been given was just a way to Ponzi Scheme the money to the Goldman Sacks folk under the table.

Monday, April 6, 2009

As American as Apple Pie P*ssy

Here is my complaint about the New Yankee Stadium and the new Citi Field.

First of all, the prices are astronomical which take the opportunity for most kids to see a game right out of the park. Secondly I'm never thrilled when a city has to be on the hook for the cost of one of these parks, especially not in a recession but most importantly what bothers me is that I'm reading the Daily News special section about the stadiums and they all rave about the great food you can get. Steaks, Sushi, gourmet sandwiches from restaurants as eclectic as the NYY steak at Yankee Stadium to the Daruma of Toyko play at Citi .

WTF are you talking about people. Baseball is not a sushi eating game, it's a game for a $4.50 hot-dog a bag of $5 peanuts and a $8 Miller Lites. This is America and in America we should eat American food at American sporting events and pay American prices as we watch teams of a mix of American, Puerto Rican, Dominican, Japanese and Korean players.

first time I hear some chick order a Cosmopolitan at Yankee Stadium, is the day I take a dump in her unAmerican drink.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Economic downturn my ass

Saturday Night in Brooklyn and there isn't a decent restaurant without at least a 45 minute wait.  We are told by everyone that Americans have put themselves on a financial diet but apparently not in Park Slope!!!  It's unbelievable to think that you can't get a pizza, piece of sushi or Steak without feeling like i'm waiting on the kind of line you usually get at TGI Fridays.   

Maybe everybody forgot it was 2009 and thought it was 1999 for just long enough to not allow me to get a table, it is really embarrassing to see these people spend money like they're on an AIG bender, then again i'm the guy who is dying to try those BK Bites, if they ever made the Little Big Mac's I'd buy stock in McDonalds knowing  how much business I'd bring in myself

What is more miserable that "I wish this game went into overtime" Buffalo Wild Wings commercial or the food at Buffalo Wild Wings?   

There is also not a less athletic big-time college athlete than Tyler Hansbrough,.  This dude is built like a bit-time athlete like i'm built like a porn star. it's hard to tell what's more miserable his personality or his athleticism

then again the rest of the UNC white basketball players look like outcasts from the Jonas Brothers

Saturday, April 4, 2009


So in the last three months or so there have been 4 separate mass shootings which is scary because they all have the same kind of feel to it.  Some guy (always a dude usually white or Asian) who is some kind of unmarried loner decides one day to get back at anybody who has ever wished him harm and proceeds to walk into some kind of public setting in the middle of the day fully armed and goes Rambo.
I'm not exactly sure what prompts all of this but honestly this is one of these things that somehow only seems to get worse as the economy takes a down turn.  

What actually annoys me the most about these situations is that the coward always takes himself out at the end.   See I'm a psychologist at heart and need to know what gets into people's heads to do this, why would they barricade in a school teaching immigrants to speak English and then go on a rampage taking out everybody in your path and then taking yourself along with it.  There is almost never a clear motive, very often the victims are selected at random and almost always it happens at a place where the gunman has some vague history which always seems to have had only a minimal influence in him.

First of all the murder is almost never of the people who may have provoked the guy but instead some delusions come over a guy that this is the way to get back at the world for all that's its wrongs like the psychopaths walks into who shot up the nursing home, the kid in VA Tech or this one in Binghamton.

I'm of the mentality that if you don't want to live you should go find yourself a tree and a rope somewhere in the woods and take yourself down, I don't even advocate jumping out of a building as there could be people walking underneath you.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Play that funky music White Girl

Standing on the subway today it really bugged me that people have very little respect for the sanctity of the commute. Not only do people ot let others off the train before getting on themselves but in general people intrude my few moments of quiet I have in my life.

Why do some people not have the ability to use some kind of inside voice when on the train especially on a 7:45Am train. I don't care about how "my man Jermain not taking care of my kids" or about "Stacey's new outfit which is soooo 1996".   Leave the chit-chat to your personal life; keep it out of my commute.

This is almost as irritating as feeling I’m at a No Doubt concert when I have to hear some white-chick blast her shit music from her shitty IPOD's through her shitty earphones at volume level 10. The most embarrassing thing about this is that these people are rocking out to the worst crap; it's not uncommon to hear some idiot blasting Chumbawamba, Coldplay or Nickelback

At what point will they invent a way to just input the speakers directly into the subway rider’s head?

I'd hate to be stuck in a burning building with the subway crowd. you'd have some a bunch of rude-ass fat chick shoving all the thermos dipping hipsters out of their way while half the people couldn’t even hear the commotion cause they are blasting 'hit me baby one more time' at 10000 decibels.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

what is up with all the awful tatoos?

I got a couple of rules that I think make sense
- a straight dude should never have a tattoo in the small of his back unless he's planning on using it as part of his road-map for directions to his five hole.
- a tattoo can't be worse looking than the human wearing it. I have seen so many people (male and female) who have the obviously gone shopping at the $0.99 store for tattoos and have come back with the the kind of body art which looks like a piccasso. If your tattoo artist has the artistic ability of a Righetti you probably don't want him stabbing you with needles.
I see so many dudes and chicks with terrible tattoos and wonder every day what the hell came over them at the point of getting this permanently imbedded into their skin. What i'm seeing more and more of is tattoos that come up on people's necks and shaved head. Now this looks idiotic if you are lets say Stephon Marbury but then again you wear a tank-top jersey for your career so who gives a F but the guy that decides to get 'maria' on his neck or some dragon on his head and then hopes to ever get a normal paying job is completely out of his tits in my opinion.
The gym locker-room is where you see the worst ones, dudes have tatoos all over their heinous looking bodies and I'm left to wonder why nobody slapped some sense into them.
It's almost become a game now, who can get the most idiotic looking tattoo out there. Grand Prize is hopefully a lifetime of shame

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I hate my Black Suit

I bought a black suit last summer for the wedding of my BFF and although the suit treated me well (including an unfortunate Bon Jovi under-shirt rendition) it has hung in my closet since that day. Well to say it's hung there isn't exactly accurate as it's seen exactly two days of sunlight and neither for good or Bon Jovi reasons.
See there are only two reasons in the world to wear a black suit, a formal (non black-tie wedding) and a funeral and sadly I don't have enough of the former and way too many of the latter recently.

See black suits look good on pasty white guys because most other colored suits make me look terminally ill. A tan suit on an untannned Dutch guy looks like the untanned Dutch guy's impersonating the Emperor in his new clothes, brown suits work too but that would involved brown shoes which always make my feet look like I am skiing.

But I don't have enough of the good reasons to wear my black suit and way too many bad ones and I starting to resent the suit for it!!

RIP Uncle Johnny
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