Thursday, November 26, 2015

Take on the turkey turkey

My family overseas just doesn't understand what the he'll Thanksgiving is about. We tell them that we all get together and scream at each other and then sit at dinner and eat like pigs and then everybody sits around and complains that they overate
We all know that we are going to be miserable in a few hours yet nobody can ever stop themselves from stuffing themselves like turkeys

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Take on the pardoned turkey

Barack Obama is unamerican, because there is no way that somebody who truly believes in American values would ever try to ruin the great American Holiday. Now the truth is that every other president was equally unamerican, that includes FDR, Reagan and JFK too because for all their claims of American exceptionalism they too bowed down to the demands of a few.
We celebrate the one true American holiday by the art of overindulgence and that single act makes us who we and defines us are yet this president pardoned a couple of oversized chickens today in some lame kickback to Big Tofu.
Those two birds should be cleaned, stuffed, brined and roasting in an oven in about 17 hours

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Take on WWIII

We've been waiting 70 years but we might be on the verge of WWIII.  These things always look innocent enough at their face (Russia and The Nazi's carving up Poland like a turkey) and always seem to end in the death of millions.   

In one respect you are happy the US isn't putting any boots on the ground but then you look and the Russians are bombing the hell out of anybody who even sneezed in Assad's direction and that doesn't seem right   They are flying hundreds of missions over Syria and have taken on a big offensive, in turn the US has ceded the entire RISK board to Putin and we're in a spot where we (along with our closest 27 NATO-y friends) are bound to defend Turkey if the Russia goes to war after this.  So some Russian fighter gets a little too close to the equivalent of Turkish Maine and now we are in a big cluster duck with a dude who likes to prance around topless. But even that isn't enough, is the fact that we have no idea what the hell we are doing and I, for one, have no idea who I am suppose to like and who I am bound to hate 

What I know is that we hate ISIS who hate Assad who we hate too.  Assad is backed by Putin who we hate and he is backing Iran who we kind of hate although not as much as before who have been funneling money to Hezbollah who we hate but are not the thorn in our side that Al Qaeda has been, who of course we hate but they are backed by the Saudis who we like (for some inexplicable reason). We hated Saddam Hussein but he kept the hated Iranians at bay but we got rid of him and that created AQ in Iraq who we hated.  Al Qaeda in Iraq sort of spawned ISIS but the Mothership (Al Qaeda in Afghanistan) hates ISIS which makes us unlikely allies.  The Sunnis and Shiites hate each other, the Arabs and the Persians hate each other,  we are backing some freedom fighters in Syria who are probably some form of Al Qaeda or some new group of mujahideen and they will eventually hate us but for the same reason as they all hate us (see as as invaders of the ME) but we decided to like them because they hate Assad but might be indifferent to ISIS or maybe they are ISIS.  We know the Turks, who we like, hate the Armenians, who we like, and the Kurds, who we like, and hats the Syrians who we hate but now their overplayed hand may have just forced us into a spot where we are on the brink of war with a country who we sort of hate over a country we kind of hate while we would be better off offing the people we actually hate.  
Basically we hate everybody and the ones we like we should hate and the ones we hate we should hate and the ones who hate us are much more passionate about their hatred for us than our hatred for them.  

As some guy on the internet said this is like some ridiculous BCS thing 

If Michigan State beat Ohio State but Nebraska beat MSU, then Nebraska is better than Ohio State 


Sent from my iPhone

Monday, November 23, 2015

Take on the stripper

Read an article today that some stripper punched a patron out after he told her that she needed to lose a few.   Reading the article it seems the chick jumped off stage and pummeled the 23 years dude and left bruises on his head with her ring.

What I particularly liked about the article was how he went to describe her. 

The strip club victim waited about 17 hours after to call cops, but stressed that he did not want to press charges and only sought a police report. He identified the girl as a white woman, weighing 115-120 pounds with "a muffin top."

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Take on the Ted Cruz prayer team

I saw that Ted Cruz created a national prayer team which seems to have been established to allow supporters to pray for one Ted Cruz. I am not a religious man, so I am. It sure how this is supposed to work but somehow I doubt that establishing one of these things for yourself has to go against some Christian beliefs, this seem more Scientology than the teaching of Christ although even that I am not sure about. But I guess he feels he needs divine intervention as he moves closer to his ultimate goal though maybe we should set up a prayer group to prevent that.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Take on absolute stupidity

The Times had an article they were pimping today about a dude who was taken for nearly three quarters of a million dollars by psychics anti just couldn't care less. I just think that if people are that stupid, they deserve what they get. It's like the guy who still smokes in 2015, I just won't feel bad for them if they get lung cancer. I have this feeling every time somebody does get something that was entirely preventable, I just have no sympathy. I know that is harsh but Charlie Sheen banged a bunch of $2 hookers without a rubber, so him getting the High V is just not something I honestly feel bad about and in his case it is criminal that he didn't make partners explicitly aware that he was infected.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Take on the size 48 belt

I bought a shirt and tie combination from an online store this week and when I got delivery I was surprised to have also gotten a pocket square and belt. The pocket square was a nice surprise but I was miffed to see the belt was a size 48. I mean the shirt was a 16" collar with 36" sleeves so I have no idea why the belt would be built for a 480 pound dude.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Take on the gun holster

I know a guy who has a conceal carry permit in a state that has a reciprocal carry agreement with about 30 other states, many of them border states. That means he can leave his house in Florida and drive to more than half of the country. The issue is that if he wanted to go from Florida to Delaware he might be allowed to carry in Georgia, North and South Carolina, Virginia but not Maryland so he has to go all the way around and go through Tennessee and West Virginia into Pennsylvania to Delaware to get there which means he is burning a billion extra gallons of oil in his truck. But he is a big second amendment guy and sometimes doesn't have time to do a tour of the states so he just gambles and drives through Maryland with the hope he doesn't get pulled over. I asked him once where he puts his gun during those legs and he said he shoves them up his ass.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Take on the inflight WiFi

I cannot believe that it is 2015 and I get on a domestic flight and they do not offer WiFi. Every domestic plane I have flown on in the last 5 years has given me the option to buy a $20 GoGo pass yet my flight from Charlotte to LaGuardia today does not. I know some people welcome the fact that they can be disconnected for a few hours but I am not one of them. I need to be hard wired directly into the Internet at all times or otherwise I got completely nuts. Two hours on a flight with nothing to look at but the front seat makes my mind wonder and when it goes I want to kill myself.

But the worst thing is that you have to figure a plane not equipped with WiFi at this point must not be a high priority portion of their fleet so you just have to hope they at least checked the tire pressure.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Take on Tysons

Read a report that Tyson had to send back a bunch of chickens because they smelled bad and thought to myself that I have eaten a bunch of their chickens that have smelled bad and only now they tell me there is a problem?!?! This entire concept of smell vs taste is something very familiar to regular smells like fish, tastes like chicken TOR readers even if the smells like fish really smells like rotting chosen possum. Anyway, I wouldn't eat a chicken that smelled like fish or a fish that smelled like chicken or a chicken that smelled like sweat filled pubic hair covered medium rare grilled Atlantic char.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Take on the refueling options

Walking into the Budget car rental office recently, I was asked which fuel option I'd like to use. Either the fuel up yourself one which is the cheapest but a pain in the d!ck. The advanced fuel option which charges you market rate for the gas but you are forced to buy a full tank so anything less than dead E is expensive. Then there is the EZfuel option which is a flat rate if you drive less than 75 miles which is sort of hard to know before hand and $15 for 75 miles is ludicrous. Finally the worst option, the Refueling Service which is basically bending over and letting the guy at the rental desk ram in up your five hole as they charge you nearly $10/gallon.

In other words, any way you see it they are screwing you like a porn star

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Take on flowers

It is crazy how expensive flowers are in this country, think about it, for 40 dollars you only get a couple of individual flowers...ones that you hope would last a week. There are not many things you'd buy for 40 buckets knowing they'd have a shelf life of four or five days

But what is worse is that when you walk into any florist and ask them for a bouquet there first question is for a budget. You tell them $40 and immediately they make you feel inadequate. "Sure we'll see about putting something together for that, I assume you don't mind weeds and poison ivy, being that you have such a small budget". WTF, this is $40 or $50 and you make it sound like I offered you 50 cents

I am boycotting the entire industry

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Take on the "talented" lawyer

Amongst the 128 people that have died was one American victim but the @NyTimes Twitter account had an "interesting" description.   They went with following 140 characters

@nytimes: Paris attack victims include American college student and "talented" 26-year-old lawyer

I am not sure why they felt the need to put talented in quotes, but guess they felt they couldn't use it without them and without giving up their appearance of neutrality on the issue.  The problem is that it actually just reads like she may not have had that much talent, which I doubt is what they wanted to portray

But the bigger issue is that the talented thing is really irrelevant to this tweet, would it have been any less of a travesty if she was just an average lawyer or even a below average one.  I know plenty of those and if they had perished in such a despicable act, it would not be any less tragic

So it might be time to remove or edit that post

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, November 13, 2015

Take on the Big Four

Turn on cable news tonight and it is wall to wall Paris, Twitter is all Paris, talk to any friend and that is all they can talk about but the big four stations have not gone off their regular programing because God knows this is when people need the comfort of Full House, The Urkels and Survivor 62 the old folks home edition.
I get that it is not an obligation but when there are 150+ people reported dead on coordinated attacks in 7 places in the capital of one of our closest allies, you'd think/hope that they would preempt Big Bang Theory but alas that would seem like the sensible thing to do

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Take on the Christmas tree

I turned on the Jets-Bills game and for the first time in my life I wished I was blind. We know that October is the Breast Cancer awareness thing with all the pink flags and gloves, so I can only imagine this red and green thing is q Christmas tree awareness thing and Rex can be Santa Clause.

But the best thing I read about it was on Twitter which really brought the entire TOR week together

@MikeandDogToday: Next week: "Jets and Bill return to traditional uniforms, War on Christmas Continues: MY COLUMN"

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Take on the debate

Last night marked the fourth republican debate and the first since Christie and Huckabee were shunned to the kids table which must have made the remaining candidates pretty happy because those two seem like they love a good family style meal.  
Our first issue with this last debate that we had no clue where the hell the Fox Business News was on the Optimum box, it was so hidden that we missed the opening remarks by the three moderator stooges.
What we came out with is the following...

Carson.  This guy is in that position amongst GOP front runners where it doesn't matter what he says, nobody cares.   Carson has no substance, no specifics and is now making his entire campaign about how the vast left wing conspiracy is out to get him..and he leads in the polls

Trump.  The Republican Unravelling of the Most Pompous ahole has begun.  Trump is lost and without his "build a tremendous wall" and "I've built a great company" lines to get him applause he is nothing more than an empty with a tie which hangs about three inches too low

Rubio.  Everything the republicans said about Obama in 2008 will apply to Rubio in 2016.  He is too young, too inexperienced, misses too many senate votes and has ears that are too big but still it won't matter.   Rubio falls into his talking points more confortably than any politician I have ever seen, his ability to deflect any questions and go into his "my father was a bartender and my mother is a maid" thing is amazing to watch.
Q. Senator what do you feel about social security reform
A.  Neil, my mother was a maid and my father was a bartender so I know about needing security, it is our greatest threat.  We didn't have much but we had each other and that's alright for love, you just have to hold on to what you got.  Sometimes it just doesn't make a difference whether you make it or not

Q Senator, What is your position on immigration?

A- listen Maria, I know about immigration as my father was a bartender and my mother was a maid so we had to deal with a lot of immigration from the holiday inn to the days inn. Sometimes my mom would work at one place and other times as the other and that was an important part

Q- senator, what do you think about a no-fly zone over Syria

A- thank you bald guy, when I was a child my father was a bartender and my mother a maid and we knew how important it was to keep the flies away from the food in the bar's kitchen, so we worked hard to form that trust that will continue to strengthen our resolve and arm our friends against Putin and Assad.

Our boy has less than 0% chance, he is practical, moderate and smart which means the crazies hate him.  He literally got booed a number of times last night.  Rooting for him is like rooting for the Browns

The greatest celebrities are known by only their first name.  Madonna, Britney, Oprah and Carly could be right up there.  She should just change it to Karly and she might have a chance at making that work.   I have nothing to say about her, she is crazy, ran HP into the ground and wore the absolute worst color sweater at the debate.  Who chooses puke green for a rendezvous with Rand Paul and Jeb Bush??

I have this vision in my head of Cruz knocking on doors trying to drum up support and people just slamming them in his face as they assume he is is just fulfilling his Megan's Law punishment

It Is Over.  Pack up the tent, send home the guy selling hot-dogs and apologize to the guys who got (free) tickets to see you..nobody thinks you have a shot in hell at this thing.  You are an insecure twerp with a crappy haircut and  a family name like a noose.  Just leave, please

I am shocked to write this but the most sensible guy on stage was the one whose head looks like it is covered in pubic hair.  He is the only one (other than Kasich) with some conviction in his beliefs, the only one who I would genuinely believe would transform Washington and yet he scares the hell out of me like an image of Neil Cavuto on a naked people beach.   But he did great last night

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Take on the FoxBusinessChannell

The GOP debate is being held tonight and I sat down at 9pm to watch (and comment) but it took me 15 minutes to figure out where the hell the FBN was located. I finally found it and I see one British guy, one hot chick in the middle and some dude who looks like he wishes he was a stock broker

Let's hope they take the gloves off

Monday, November 9, 2015

Take on the Starbucks holiday Christmas cups

There is nothing lamer than a company like Starbucks caving to public pressure to rid themselves of all signs of holiday fun. This time the PC police convinced them to get rid of such offensive displays like snowflakes and reindeer because nothing spews religious intolerance like these universally insensitive symbols. Instead of sharing some Yule time cheer, Starbucks is going to go with plain red cups and are inviting to have their customers "create their own holiday theme" which is about as lame as charging $5 for an iced coffee

I hope Santa drops a bag of coal in their loafers

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Take on the pretentious father

I was at the playground yesterday and was talking to some dude who was a cross between Jeffrey Katzenberg and Jeffrey Lebowski who was at the playground with his kid

Dude " what is that jacket your daughter is wearing, it looks like a cow, it's cute"

Righetti. "Oh, it's a Paw Patrol jacket, Marshall the fire dog, you know the tv program?"

Dude. "Oh, that's why I didn't recognIze it, we don't let little Lucas watch TV"

Righetti "oh, yeah well we have three kids and it's the only way to prepare dinner sometimes, how many do you have?"

Dude. "Lucas is it, he is our everything and just the thought of his mind being corrupted by tv would crush our soul, Victoria is a leading psychotherapist"

Righetti "wait, you named him after Luke Skywalker, right?

Dude "the mind of a child is so impressionable that it's important we allow it to grow with the body, information is its food"

Righetti. "Yeah, I guess but sometimes you need a few minutes"

Dude "totally, it is just a choice we made, we believe that we want to keep him entertained in ways that expand his mind"

Righetti. "You realize your kid just picked up a piece of gum off the floor and just stuck it in his hair"

Dude "lucas please give that to Papi, we are trying to let your hair grow, it is almost to the point we can braid it"

Righetti. "He'll be fine"

Dude "we just don't believe screentime is healthy, it leads to all types of disorders"

Righetti. "I can't get through a dinner at a restaurant without popping on the iPad"

Dude "I do see that in restaurants, mostly chain types."

Righetti "I think your kid just pulled down his pants in the sandbox"

Dude "But it's really just a choice, and there is not right choice with parenting. We have read every book there is, and wrote a few ones too hahaha, and it's just so powerful to use books and language to push their creativity"

Righetti. "Yeah we love reading to the kids"

Dude. "Yes of course, Children's books are fun ways of distraction. We are starting Dickens with Luke this week, he loves the descriptive nature of the written word"

Righetti. "Your son looks like he is two"

Dude. "He's actually three, he is bit stunted but his mind just grows with literature, we are almost through Moby Dick"

Righetti "we like Judy Moody, she has a brother named Stink"

Dude. "That is so funny, I haven't caught that one but I am sure it is great, maybe we'll introduce that when we want a lazy Saturday"

Righetti. You looked like you are 60, did you watch TV as a kid?"

Dude "I have to run, we have a kale party to go to, every household brings a different kale dish and we use the opportunity to speak only in Mandarin"

Righetti. But you are white?

Dude "never too early to emerge little Luke"

Righetti. Enjoy the veggie dumplings

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Take on Marco Rubio's credit cards

When Rubio's campaign said they'd release the credit card statements "in a few days" I knew exactly what it meant.  It meant they would release them on Saturday evening and hope it wouldn't catch much wind which is exactly what they did.    

If the release time was in itself not enough to make you turn up an eyebrow, the explanations certainly would.  I have heard all his answered about mistakes in who to bill and mistaken charges and even still it was  guaranteed in his name but honestly I don't buy it.   I guess I could see a travel agent having the wrong card on file but I would never use my business card accidentally to buy pavers for my house and even if it was a pure accident, the thought he made this mistake multiple times for tens of thousands of dollars deserves some scrutiny.  
I am not sure if he did it in the hope the GOP would not find out and just pay the darn bill or if he was doing it to finance thirty days because his own cards were maxed out but either way it looks bad and Rubio solid come clean and stop hiding behind the "I grabbed the wrong card out of my pocket" excuse.  That doesn't fly for twenty thousand dollars 

Sent from my iPhone