Monday, November 24, 2014

Take on the unseasonably hot weather

I will punch the first person who complaints about it being too cold
right in the groin because there is nothing worse than a 66 humid day
in mid-November. It is not that I dislike 66, it's that I'm not
prepared for it when it comes sandwiched between a bunch of days in
the 30's.

It's four tiered

- I like seasons, if I wanted 78 and sunny everyday I'd move to San
Diego with a couple of girl roommates when I get out of the Navy.
But I like the change of weather and there are a supposedly a few nice
months in the Northeast and November is supposed to be one of them.

- I have already taken out my thicker pants and my winter jacket so
when I walk out of my house on a daily like today, I'm sweating my
balls off and that just blows

- every building in NYC has already turned off their air conditioning,
so working today is like sitting in the NYSC sauna.. Well sort of
since there are no naked dudes propositioning me with their eyes.

- it's like Lucy offering the football to Charlie Brown, you just know
it's going to her pulled right from underneath your nose the second
you think you are comfortable. I like warm weather but when I am just
going to get smacked with the cold stuff in a day, it's just not
enough to enjoy it


Give me 45 and sunny for the rest of the month and I'll be fine

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Take on the 5 year old

Saw an OMG fact the other say which stated that most 4 to 6 year kids
would rather spend time watching TV than having with their old men. I
get that this seems utterly ridiculous to the average person but for
those of us with kids in that bracket, it's pretty clearly based on
sound research. Forget the trips to the park, the membership at the
zoo, the swim classes, the hours of bedtime stories, the boxes of
toys, the human jungle gym or the hours of devotion, there is nothing
that can tear a five year old from TV. The mesmerizing effect is
uncanny as my entire kitchen could explode and there wouldn't be a
single peep coming from my living room

Then again I am also one who have in to this phenomena after spending
painstaking energy to avoid any TV for her in her first two years of
life but after you have three you throw any of that out the window and
fight your battles on a more holistic battle field

Kill me

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Take on the guy who blocks the street when I'm trying to get to the parking lot on the left

Thought I posted this the other day but apparently bad sushi got near
our inconsiderate drivers

Commuting to NYC is hell any way you look at it, the bus is torture,
the subways are filthy, the LIRR trains are expensive, the NJT ones
don't run nearly on time and the ferries make you want to throw up.
Driving is a bit better if you are a glutton for punishment because
the traffic is awful and the tolls are debilitating.

The only thing that makes it somewhat palatable is when you get out
and give your car to a parking lot guy and he smiles and hands you a
ticket and you are off.

I tend to park on the lots around 9th avenue for two reasons

-If you park in the heart of midtown you can easily be out $40 but if
you do a big of research you find plenty of lots right around 9th
avenue for $15.

-if you think the traffic on the FDR or West Side Highway is bad, get
to 44th street where you can literally move one car per light switch.
So parking any closer that 9th avenue actually costs you more time

The problem is that there are a bunch of German car driving a-holes
who feel they need to park their jersey plate as close to their office
as humanly possible to avoid the indignity of having to walk two
blocks even if it costs them triple and an extra half an hour in
commuting time

The issue is that these are the same jerks who will plant their asses
right just far enough to the left that you can.'go get past them to
get to the lot fifty feet in front of you. It's like these guys know
they are going to be tortured by the traffic and will be damned if
anybody else has a reasonable commute. So they make you stand there
for 10 extra minutes regardless of the amount of friendly beeps you
give them to nudge over six inches to allow you to pass

The only laugh I get is when I pass them a few minutes after i've
dropped my car off as they are still stuck in traffic and I discreetly
drop a dirty diaper into their open back window. How's that for
your German engineering.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Take on the hotel card key

I am convinced that the biggest form of legal torture are hotels
giving out those room card keys. I swear that there is some
logarithm working behind the scenes which directly links the amount of
times it takes to swipe the card to how badly you have to take a leak.

I swear the last time I got back from a business dinner after six
beers and two cups of coffee and after ten tries had to find a potted
plant because I wasn't going to make it down to the lobby

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Take on The Rules for Sushi

I've been a big fan of the DeLish branding for Duane Reade but think
that all the positive TOR press is getting to their heads, or at least
their sense of good taste.

I noticed today that they are now selling sushi We at TOR have been
in record to say that when you are a sign for discounted sushi, you
run the other way.

So today we added a 7th rule for uncooked fish

- never eat sushi in a place which is more than 100 miles from the ocean

-never order sushi in a country like China, no matter how close to the
ocean you are

- never order sushi in the South

- never order sushi when they are advertising 50% off

- never order anything as clan as a Philadelphia Roll, sushi and cream
cheese do not mix

- never order sushi from an all you can eat buffet

- never buy sushi from Duane Reade

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Take on Jim Boeheim

If these 60 year old coaches didn't look out of touch enough while
trying to recruit kids from the hood, you get this. I caught a
glimpse of the Syracuse Men's basketball media guide and my first
thought was...why they hell is Jim Boeheim wearing mom jeans? First
of all, jeans with a tie and blazer is a ridiculous look especially
for an official picture but when you make those jeans look like they
have a huge elastic band around the waist, I cringe.
Upon further inspection, it gets worse. I don't know which Mitt
Romney advisor he spoke with but ironing a pleat into your mom jeans
is about as bad as it gets.

No wonder his face looks like he is taking a shit.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Take on The Prince of Darkness

We've been thinking about doing this for years and finally getting to it.

I love top 10 lists and have agonized over many throughout my life for
the sake of discussion but none will be more important than today as
TOR goes into the mind of a madman, the legend born as John but known
to the world as Ozzy. There is probably nobody more important to
heavy-metal than Ozzy who with Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler and Bill Ward
created the sound that would spawn thousands of other bands. It was
Butler's baseline and Ward's tempo which kept it together and Iommi's
the three finger cords which created the sound but it was never
complete until Ozzy whispered "I am Ironman" that Sabbath became
Sabbath.

TOR reveals the definitive best Ozzy Osbourne songs of all times.
Our only rules are that the song must
- be an Ozzy solo original no Sabbath stuff
- absolutely rip



10) Mama I'm coming home.
The song that brought Ozzy to the mainstream for many, this ballad can
most closely be compared to Sabbath's 'Changes' which has ways been
one of the greatest songs ever written and showed the world that Ozzy
was capable of a lot more than screaming into a microphone. Lyrically
this song is fantastic but it shows again that what Ozzy does is break
barriers.

9- Bark at the Moon
Catchy, quick and well structured, this song will make you fall in
love with the way metal was meant to be played.

8- Mr. Tinkertrain. A very underrated song from the second generation
of solo Ozzy. Fantastic sequenced uptempo beat and classic Ozzy in
that you just feel it crescendo to the guitar solo. I never quite
understood why it got so little love but it is probably the closest
thrash metal song in Ozzy's entire repertoire


7- I Don't Know
It wouldn't shock me if people would have heard the first track off of
the Blizzard of Ozz album and not known immediately it would stand up.
Randy Rhoades is featured promo rely with his heavy cords early on
and a classic riff and very quickly the world knew that Sabbath was
more Ozzy than Ozzy was Sabbath.


6- I close my eyes forever - with Lita Ford
This might be a bit of a copout because it does sort of startle the
line in terms of our own preset rules but how can you put a top Ozzy
list together without the song that exposed him to the MTV audience.
Ford is fantastic but it's when Ozzy comes on that this song goes from
good to great. The best power ballad duet of all time.

5- No More Tears
Randy Rhoades will never be replaced but on this entire album it
became abundantly clear that Zakk Wylde could fill in. His Solo on NMT
is Fantastic, the entire track which starts slowly builds up to a solo
where Wylde absolutely destroys it, great chops on the guitar combined
with a lyrics destined to go down as some of the most telling for a
man who once bit the head off a bat

4- Goodbye to Romance.
Severely underrated probably because the hard core Ozzy fan may find
the ballad to soft but there really isn't a better tune and it brings
that entire album to a mellow spot before taking off like a rocket
again. I always assumed this was a love song her wrote for Sharon
knowing that one day his Demons would get the better of him


3- Suicide Solution
Wine is fine but whiskey's quicker...forget the rumors you've heard
about kids killing themselves, this song rocks. It's what heavy metal
was all about as a kid...it made you want to crash into walls, grow
your hair long and headband. Heavy bass, great guitar, awesome voice
and lyrics you knew would make your grandma cringe.


2- Crazy Train.
There is no better song and nothing more iconic than Ozzy screaming
"all aboard" as the song starts out. Randy Rhoades just rips on this
track, from the first solo to the final cord and reminds you how much
he left behind when e took that fateful airplane joyride. Crazy Train
is everything that Ozzy does best by allowing his band to take center
stage while he works the magic over top. I'd guess that it's ever
Ozzy fan's favorite Ozzy track and for good reason but still the best
Ozzy song is....

1- Mr. Crowley. I kid you not when I say that the best Ozzy Osbourn
song is not Crazy Train but Mr. Crowley. The back and forth between
the lead vocals and the lead guitar is mesmerizing and melodic. The
melody shows off Ozzy's chops, the solos are fantastic and the lyrics
remind the world that he was not just a great frontman but that the
battles he faces internally will forever haunt him. I am shocked
that he's still alive

Monday, November 17, 2014

Take on the people who name the tunnels and bridges

I don't know what poor Abraham Lincoln did to deserve this honor but
naming a revered president after one of the most congested commuter
crossings in the world seems about as sensible as asking somebody to
kick you in the d!ck for the hell of it.
It's not like our first president got any better treatment by having
the GWB named after him which makes me think, does anybody put any
thought to this at all??
People hate bridges, airports and highways, yet there is always some
committee who thinks it'd be a great idea to name a terrible situation
after an iconic president.

It would be so much more appropriate to have them named after some
crappy member of congress in a state that hates them

""There are five hour delays at the Nancy Pelosi airport" or "Don't
get onto the Mitch McConnell expressway, there is an overturned
tractor trailer". Instead of people taking poor Washington's name in
vain

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Take on the recession special

I had to get up to 75th and Broadway last week which usually would be
a pretty uneventful trip during lunch, which it would have been till I
realized that the Gray's Papaya up on 72nd was still open. I walk in
and order my regular, 10 dogs with everything. I was ecstatic to find
the dogs tasted exactly how I remembered them, were served just as
quickly and was frequented by the same general clientele. What had
changed was the $0.50 dog from my childhood was not $2.00 or
something. A ten pack cost me $20 and that didn't even get my a soda
(or an antacid)...I guess the recession is finally over

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Take on the $5 slice

I'm at the airport yesterday and grab a slice as I'm rushing through
the terminal and I have to say it was one of the most disappointing
pizza experiences I've ever had. Not only was the pizza covered in a
small tree, it was also cold and bland but that is not nearly the
worst part of it. That distinction is left to the fact that as I
walked to the cash register and hen the lady rang me up, I was floored
when she rang up $5. With tax I had to take out an $6 from my pocket
for a terrible slice.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Take on the lucky seat

I've taken a lot of flights over my life, usually somewhere between 20
and 30 different legs per year. Multiply this by nearly 20 years of
work and I'd guess that I've been on nearly 500 individual flights.
I've been on 787 and A380's and puddle jumpers but never have I had a
worse seat than the one I have today on an MD88. I literally have
the last seat on the plane, the only way I'd be further back would be
if they got me a seatbelt on the john. It's not just the fact that
I'll likely miss my connection because it'll take a half hour to get
out but whenever you get planted next to the bathrooms, you are just
screwed. Between the smell of those urinal cakes, the inability for
my seat to recline even an inch, the noise of the engines and the fact
that my window seat doesn't actually have a window, this will be some
trip

The only positive might be that because I had six IPA's last night and
a gallon of coffee this morning, being near the bathroom might save me
a few seconds that could otherwise turn a crappy flight into a..well
crappy flight

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Take on the 'historic' carbon emission agreement

This week presidents Obama and Xi announced a joint agreement on carbon emissions which was heralded in the liberal press and lauded in the conservative one.  This is non real surprise because carbon emission discussions quickly lead to science discussions which tend to deteriorate down the line of people who believe the earth is 6 billion years old and ones who believe that we roamed the earth with dinosaurs.  


As for the Republican response, here is Senator James Inhofe , soon to be the Senate chairperson for the environment committee:

"My point is, God's still up there. And it's incredibly arrogant of mankind to think we can do anything about changing climate- that's His job."


But even taking the total wackos out of it, the agreement was a bit odd in that the US has pledged to cut emissions by 26-28% over the next 10 years while China said they would try to have their carbon emissions peak "around 2030".     In other words, we cut ours for the next 15 years while they burn them like they are joints at a Phish concert and then in 2030 they pledge to not burn any more than they have the previous year which will probably be twice what they burn today.   

Now I will admit that it is a start and the fact that the Chinese are admitting that they too may have a carbon problem is a big step but these non-binding agreements are about as tight as Jenna Jameson.    Forget the one child policy, I have been to China dozen times and will be there in a few weeks and will say that if they do not curb the amount of coal they burn they will have a form of population control which is unmatched.   The air is  so thick you need a knife to cut through it and the people are so weathered by it the 20 year olds look like they are 30, the 30 year old look like they are 50 and the 50 year olds look dead. 

So until we get China to cut emissions now and not just allow them to send those plants to the Western rural areas, we are all I'm for a treat....if a treat of 5 micron soot in your teeth is what you enjoy. 
I


Hey Zed!!!!
Sent from my iPad

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Take on #breaktheinternet

Kim did it again, she single handedly broke the internet by posting a
picture of her huge ass on the cover of Paperts magazine. Not only is
her well oiled ass in full view which will undoubtedly give her all
the attention she craves, it also put some magazine I've never heard
off squarely on the map. I get that Kim's ass is news and there
are millions of hornball dudes (and chicks) who will swarm to anything
she puts her ass to but this obsession is a bit odd. She's hot but
almost every official picture released of her is airbrushed to the
nines. When OK magazine or US Weekly catches her going for coffee
she goes from curvaceous to dumpy in a heartbeat. That is because
although she's got huge cans and a great arse, she's also 5 feet tall
and unless she's wearing skin tight clothing and she hasn't bunged on
donuts, her body looks like a little troll.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Take on the Ebola car

Does anybody know why there is a car sitting behind protective plastic
at the parking lot on 44th street between 8th and 9th avenues? It's
been there a few days and all I can think of is that it's the car of
that doctor/bowler who came back from Africa with Ebola a few weeks
ago. Now I've been saying people are making way too big a deal about
catching Ebola in this country but if this car is being held for they
and not just a crime scene, couldn't they just move it to the top
floor of the garage. Who the hell know but I'd hate to stumble trying
to give my parking ticket and get Ebola face

Then again maybe it's just covered in parking attendant jizz

Monday, November 10, 2014

Take on the guy who refers to his favorite team as 'we'

I never quite got the entire "we" thing when talking about your favorite sports team.. not only because it's completely idiotic since you aren't exactly taking throws at second base or covering a punt but mainly because it just shows how inconsistent people are.   There are certain sports where people will refer to the team as 'we' and other sports where they won't.    Nobody says 'we' when talking about Tiger Woods or Boris Becker although they may root just as hard for them as they would the Islanders or Clippers but I guess since those are not team sports, referring to that year we won Wimbledon would be really odd.  Not sure what the number is but are teams like mixed doubles or tandem bike racing do people refer that as 'we'?   Basically there is a point when a sports-fan goes from being a normal cheerleader to becoming an idiot.  ..   How about Nascar, there is a team of like 50 guys but only one actual driver or something like Tour de France when there is a team of a like 20 guys biking up a bunch of hills but only one lead dog.  How about the Ryder or the Davis cup, individual sport in a team setting?? 
I figure that there is a tipping point where the team must be more than 5 people for people to start using the 'we' thing or is it sports related because  I think people will refer to a football team or baseball team as 'we' more often than a basketball team maybe because there are only 5 guys on the team and saying 'we' when you are a 5'8" white guy with a beer gut and no ups is a bit odd as nobody would confuse you for Lebron James.  When the same guy says 'we' when referring to the WhiteSox, maybe he thinks people will assume he's the backup catcher or the long-man in the bullpen.    In football they might assume the guy is the kicker or the one who runs onto the field to get the kicking tee..

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Take on the Segway cop

I will never understand why the NYPD spends thousands of dollars for
something as bulky and cumbersome as a bunch of Segways to patrol the
inside of the 42nd street subway station. That station is so busy
that it can never be an effective method of pursuit. Even if you can
get past that, there are tons of stairs everywhere so you can rob an
old lady and only have to worry about finding a set of steps and you
will foil the arrest plans.

It's only a matter of time till they put a cop on horseback down there

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Take on the terrible hat

The Knicks are terrible, they have no talent, a badly matched system,
a rookie coach and a GM who is more interested in meditation than
negotiation. But there is nothing worse than the head gear of their
biggest star who happens to be LaLa Vazquez's husband the highly
overrated Carmelo Anthony. Carmelo isn't insulting Knick fans by
shooting 5 for 20, he also insults them by dressing like the Cat in
the Hat. Forget PED's, racist owners or isolation basketball, Adam
Silver needs to put this on the top of his list of things to change

Friday, November 7, 2014

Take on the scaffolding

It seems that you can't see blue sky anywhere you walk in NYC anymore.
This is not because we all of a sudden turned into Beijing West,
although we have noticed a tick up of people cutting their toenails on
both the F and D trains, but because the entire city is littered with
scaffolding. It seems that scaffolds go up but no actual work is ever
done and thus they never come down.

Having lived in a small walk up on this city and sitting on it's co-op
board, I know exactly why this is. Basically the facades of many of
the small and medium sizes buildings are crumbling and the cost for
repair is astronomical without any real assurance that the repairs
will actually work.
What many landlords, condo boards, management companies etc are opting
to do is not repair anything but instead out up scaffolding to protect
people walking on the sidewalk from getting pelted with debris. I
think the city will write these permits for scaffolding for a year at
a time and collect a nice fee and then re-up the permit over and over
again without ever demanding that something actually gets done about
the facades.

So instead of owners of buildings taking some responsibility for
repairs the people of NY have to deal with these unsightly structures
all over town. I know of one scaffold on 5th avenue in Brooklyn near
Carroll Street which I think has been up for a decade. So much for
beautification, fresh air and the feeling of not being completely
claustrophobic

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Take on the bus selfie

Sorry for the second public transit post in a row but there is
something I need to get off my chest. Why the hell do people use the
time they are commuting on public transportation as one to take a
selfie. First of all, selfies are lame especially if they are ones
you take for the sole purpose of posting what you look like on
spacebook or Instagram. I get ones that are funny or quirky and
completely accept ones that capture a great moment, awesome adventure
or accomplishment and anyone with a kid in it is always acceptable but
when you see a grown woman fixing her hair to take a photo to send to
the unwashed masses, I cringe. You are obviously concerned about how
you are perceived otherwise you wouldn't take 50 of them to try to get
your best angle but what exactly is the point of it when you are
flanked by a subway ad for Dr. Zizmor, the stench of a homeless person
or some slob drooling on himself as he catches up on sleep, not to
mention the light isn't any good. Wait till you get home and take one
without your clothes on

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Take on the bus swear box

Why is it that you can never get a comfortable ride on the bus, even
when you get lucky enough to actually get a seat, you are likely to
sit next to some 300 pound guy drooling on your jacket as he's
sleeping. It's not just that sleeping people on the bus is
disgusting, it is the fact that the entire cabin becomes one giant
breath box. The AC never works so the humidity is sky-high, the fans
are always clogged with remnants of human skin and the smell of the
exhaust is only slightly covered up by the smell of some dude's
kimchee lunch breath.

Life blows