Saturday, July 21, 2018

Take on Dan Coats

Trump called Dan Coates to the mat this week after the Intel Chief had an eye-roll moment after being told of breaking news that Trump and Putin were planning a sleepover party at the White House. You can't blame Coats for thinking this was an incredibly bad idea because forget about the wolf guarding the hen-house, the wolf was not inside the hen house. The Coats reaction wasn't shocking because people can't hide their surprise on their face when confronted by abject stupidity -or blatant treason. I'm not surprised that he publicly reversed course and groveled to Trump today as there was likely not much else he thought he could do to keep his cushy job.

The thing is, Trump doesn't respect Coats to start off with, so this won't help the situation either way and actually makes Coats look more spineless than he even looked before, so not quite sure if this was a good career move.

Friday, July 20, 2018

Take on the Roger Stone connection

Roger Stone getting caught deeper into the Mueller fishnet by a connection to the Manhattan Madam is the most Roger Stone thing you could ever imagine. Not only is he a treasonous weasel he likely arranged prostitutes through the Madam for either himself or for some of his rich orange friends and now that Berretta Bob has his sights on Stone, he's gonna grab him like Don grabs a pussy

I just have to hope that they throw Stone into Cell Block and pair him with the horniest meathead they can find and hopefully drop ten viagras in his soup before sending him off to sleep

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Take on Trevor Noah

Trevor Noah made his first big splash since taking over for Jon Stewart and we loved it. I watched the Daily Show religiously before and now I watch it like I celebrate religion.
But today it peeked my interest when that mini controversy erupted. The French Embassy sent an official letter to the Daily Show to complain about it and proved again why the French gave the worse sense of humor amongst all of the Europeans which is like calling them the shortest midget or the stinkiest European.

It's a comedy show, it's entire premise is to make fun of everything, it's a black guy making a joke about black people. These are all acceptable even in a pre-Trump world

Do yourself a favor Gerard, turn the TV off and kick yourself in your uncut, unwashed, sheltered French dick

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Take on rubber boots on a grown man

I don't comment often about men's shoes because, frankly, who cares but when I saw a dude in dress pants wearing rubber rain boots yesterday I was appalled. He isn't a five year old bog, we certainly weren't fly fishing and we weren't digging through a septic tank, so there isn't any good reason for a grown man to wear rubber boots. Maybe if your basement gets flooded it can be a half way acceptable thing but not on your way on the 166 bus on a work day

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Take on Trump the midget giant

The world watches as our Dear Leader sold out our country to a man who likely has video of him getting pissed on by hookers. Today he tried to walk back his comments with the old "I meant would when I said wouldn't" which is as believable as saying that he's not compromised by Putin at this point.
But what really got to me was how Andre the Giant weird looking Trump is next to Putin. He's got this gigantic head, these weirdly fitting suits and these eyes like he just snorted a line of coke off of a Finnish hooker's ass. He also has these weird shoulders which slope like a Helsinki roof and of course his complexion always makes him look like he contracted some weird face STD.

Glad that we decided this was the guy we want representing our country on a world stage.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Take on Hell we know he is Kinky

Lindsey Graham will go down as a complicit traitor when all is set and done but he was dead right when he suggested checking that soccer ball that Putin gave to Trump for listening devices. The Helsinki summit went as badly as anybody feared and Hillary's tweet asking Donnie which team he plays for is ringing truer than ever. We all know that the Russians interfered and just that knowledge is what crumbles the one thing that Trump has hung his hat on, his "decisive" electoral victory. Even if there wasn't a single vote flipped or a singled ballot miscounted, you just know his ego can't take the slightest hit and every day we are starting to see the foundation of his presidency crack just a bit more and when it finally collapses upon itself, we should be allowed to shove the big orang oaf out of the White House and directly into federal prison

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Take on the umbrella

The WorldCup offered a month of excitement, a lot of heartbreak and one memorable photo. This wasn't a photo of Cristiano Ronaldo or Messi but instead of Vladimir Putin with annum fella over his head while the other two heads of state stand in the pouring rain. Of course this is Russia and nobody would expect any less abut the tableau was perfect for a man who has controlled every part of Russian life for a lifetime. If he had gotten a single drop of rain on his coat, somebody was getting cyanide in their corn flakes tomorrow morning like so many other dissidents, journalists and people accused of not bowing down to his every wish.

And tomorrow our president will pay his respects to him and likely bow down to our new communist overlord

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Take on Elon Musk’s big reveal

When Elon Musk was revealed as a top donor to a GOP PAC we were shocked for thirty seconds. This was the man who has said Climate Change is the biggest threat to humanity and here he is supporting a group of people some of whom are dumb enough to believe that man lived at the same time as the Brontosaurus.
Then I shook myself back to reality and realized that rich people love staying rich. He might be the CEO of a company who is trying to get off of traditional fossil fuels which certainly sounds like a position of the left, he is also the CEO of SpaceX, and we're sure he'd like to make sure there is tons of support for his -government funded- trips to outer space. For this he needs support across the aisles.

He'd also like massive support for infrastructure building like his super tube which goes both way and if he wants to swing right all manufacturing -including electric cars- likes deregulation. But mostly, he loves keeping more of his money and surely believes that the GOP is his way of keeping more of it and giving it to his heirs when and if he has any.
But at the end of the day, I'm sure he follows the Trump model and donated to both parties because that's the way rich guys play. Keep both parties happy, so when you need to call in a favor, they are taking your call.

So although we all had this impression that Musk was some liberal hero, he has in fact been exactly like a lot of rich guys.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Take on Rudy’s weird arm cross

The thrice divorced man once knows as America's Mayor has lost all his credibility in his days since 9/11.   All the goodwill he built up after that day seems to have vanished as quickly as his hairline and now as the face to Trump's legal team he continues to embarrass himself including his tweet from today

Mayor Rudy Giuliani (@RudyGiuliani)
Peter Strzok's testimony was a disgrace. It taints the entire Mueller witchunt. President Trump is being investigated by people who possess pathological hatred for him. All the results of the investigation are "fruit of the poison tree" and should be dismissed.

But the thing that kills me most about Rudy is that when you see him, he always has his arms crossed in this way which makes it very obvious he has incredibly short arms or man-boobs, or both.   It's so odd, his arms are so high over his body, he almost looks like he's getting smothered by his own triple chin.  

By the way, I think it's witch hunt not witchunt. 

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Take on the Stormy Daniels arrest

Stormy Daniels was arrested yesterday for illegally touching an officer which is odd considering most of the time trashy Buckeyes are the ones illegally touching strippers. The arrest stemmed from Stormy slapping her cans into the faces of three undercover cops who were likely sent on a Trump lead mission to try to defame and hurt the credibility of the former porn star. I have to slap myself in the face sometimes to remind myself that the best chance we may have to keep world peace is if a porn start is willing to go all in and testify against a sitting president. This is the next chance we have as a civilization from total collapse, let that sink in.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Take on John Kelly’s hatred of pastries

The WhiteHouse loves to send out messages trying destroy their own. It was leaked that when they fired Sexy Rexy Tillerson, he was sitting on the can at the time. Bannon was called a poorly dressed, ketchup on his outer shirt fat imbecile on the way out and now they are saying that John Kelly looked displeased because the breakfast at the NATO meeting only had pastries and cheese and he apparently needs a Bob's Big Boy Four eggs, sausage, bacon and five cheeses all stuffed into a donut. John Kelly is no hero as he's stood by and watched Trump abuse his roll and taken the country down with him and has done nothing to stop him but he is also a soldier who served our country for forty years, something tells me that getting served a danish is not something that would disturb him.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Take on the failed Supreme Court nomination process

Something always felt off with the Anthony Kennedy retirement. Maybe it was the fact he put the balance of the court in the hands of the most corrupt president of my lifetime -who by the way is personal friends with his son and has made a ton of money off of Trump- or maybe it was the fact that there was likely behind he scenes wheeling and dealing. Well now we are starting to pull back the layers of the onion and like most things Trump, it stinks.
Sources are now telling NBC that Justice Kennedy personally negotiated his retirement with Trump which is why his former law clerk now will likely sit on the bench. This is the kind of thing that threw Rod Blagojevich in jail as a public position should never be open for negotiation

I've decided that having judges sit on the court for a lifetime is the kind of thing our forefathers got wrong. Nobody should be above the law of the land and holding positions till death leaves to tilts in the balance based only on the current administration which seems about as arbitrary as anything (especially when you consider the McConnell rule which doesn't allow for a nominee to get a hearing within a year of a presidential election)

I believe we should have them serve terms 18 year terms which would mean that each president gets two justices per four years.

Monday, July 9, 2018

Take on Brett Kavanaugh.

We waited all day for Trump to hand out his red rose and finally he decided Brett Kavanaugh. I don't know anything about this guy other than Rachel Maddie telling me he is the devil personified. Trump appears to have liked the fact he has an Ivy League Education but for a guy who is all about appearance he can't be happy with the fact his guy looks like a middle school nerd with his terrible haircut and acne covered face. Trump ripped Spicer a new five hole for showing up looking like he got dressed in his dad's closet, so Kavanaugh can't be much better and Trump will likely be unhappy with his own decision the second this guy is caught picking his nose on TV.

Plus, he sounds like he might be related to Chuck Knoblauch, so you know he can't handle any real pressure

Sunday, July 8, 2018

Take on the red hat.

Every time I see a guy wearing a red hat I think to myself the guy just either be a complete moron or a racist fool, or both. Trump has done a lot of damage but none more than for the red baseball cap, I saw some guy walking down the street the other day wearing a red hat and I immediately assumed he was a total shitbag. Then I got past him, I noticed it was a Jimmy Fund hat or something else very admirable but I knew immediately that I'd never be dumb enough to wear it, lest somebody confused me for a a Trump supporter. In convinced people wearing a red hat now are just closet Trump fans who want to hide behind their Jimmy Fund goodwill to actually spew their hatred to the rest of the world

JayZ said he made the Yankee cap more famous than Babe Ruth which is a ridiculous concept but Trump might actually have made the red cap more infamous than anybody including the guy from Limp Bizkit.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Take on the TrumpSwab

Living in 2018 should have changed everybody but one man seems very content pretending it's still 1986. Trump made a comment about Elizabeth Warren and her heritage which does play well with his base and then challenged her to take a genetic test to prove she's not actually a Native American. But the odd thing is he said we'd have to do it carefully because of the MeToo movement. What I'm struggling to understand is whether he thinks this is a vaginal swab or something. I've never done one but figure you stick it in your cheek or something but when you take a TrumpTest you apparently have to bend all the way over so Donnie can listen into your seashell for the waves in the ocean
But then again nobody has ever accused him of being all that bright.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Take on Lead from Behind Marco

Obama often got criticized for his "leading from behind" foreign policy doctrine but there really is no bigger weasel than Marco Rubio. Today was yet another example of Rubio coming down hard on a policy he stayed mostly mum on after Scott Pruitt was forced to resign. This is typical Marco, say absolutely nothing until it's abundantly clear which way the political winds are blowing

This guy has about as much leadership as a bottle of Poland Spring and the intelligence of a paper weight

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Take on Scott Pruitt

The resignation letter that Scott Pruitt wrote to Trump reads like a love note between two jilted lovers who happen to also be devout Christians....or at least like to give the appearance of such.
Scott Pruitt might go down as the most corrupt person to have ever held a political office which is challenging considering the competition. He was a shitbag while leading Oklahoma but got to take his off-off Broadway okay to the big city and cash in big time. Sadly for Old Scott, his tenure was shortened and for once not because he couldn't keep his pants on (as far as we know) but because he refused to take his wallet out of them

His last paragraph about the sadness of not being able to service the president any longer really does read like some Chelsea level NYAC sauna porn

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Take on Trump’s new hairdo

Trump always talks about his great hair which everybody in the world agrees looks horrible but his most recent video shows this new do and it may look worse. This new weave he's got going is a cross between Dan Rather and Sting. I'm not sure sure what the idea behind it is but he somehow looks older and Ira even more obvious that these aren't his actual locks

Happy 4th you miserable wench

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Take on the ghostwriter

The irony of Trump tweeting that he has written many best selling books in defense of his grammatical ineptitude is that he tweet was likely ghostwritten for him. You just know his handlers have been saving this last one for a while and released it two minutes after he posted yet another typo riddled tweet where he misspelled disgrace.

The telltale signs that this "best selling books" tweet was not an original Trump Tweet

- no typos or misspellings
- was sent within minutes of another one, his stubby fingers don't think that fast
- there were no weird capitalization or punctuations even though "he" specifically mentioned why "he" capitalizes things.
- only one exclamation mark

Monday, July 2, 2018

Take on the heat

We interrupt our daily attack on our country's well being to comment on the fact that it is 1000 degrees and humid in NYC which means the entire place reeks of homeless pee. Nothing is worse than the stagnant air in the city on a humid July day. The heat from the subway crawls into your toes, the heat from the atmosphere engulfs you and the heat from all the other sweaty people creates a fog of the worst odors of humanity and the only relief you can hope to get is to get the hell out of the city.

We need to stop working in July if for no other reason that there is no possible way to ask 8 million people to put on deodorant

I hate NYC in the summer