Monday, August 31, 2015

Take on Mt McKinley

Another day, Another great overstep of power by the imperial presidency. First he forces healthcare down our throats like they are steamed peas, then he threatens to confiscate our guns, basically invites Iran into the nuclear arms club, feeds ISIS, promotes police brutality and now has the audacity to rename an American landmark all while trashing the democratic process and trampling on the constitution. Who care that McKinley was best remembered for getting shot and giving this country Teddy Roosevelt, the gall that this no-birth certificate having, bleeding heart wearing, America hating, socialistic fascist, business crushing, chain smoking, wealth distributing, riot inciting, Black Panther sympathizing, Muslim overlord has is beyond belief. He takes from the rich, gives to the poor in the form of free cell phones and bailouts and this is just another example of a crooked politician caving into pressure from a bought constituency
I hope he rots in hell or Russia or wherever anti American people like him go to rot.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Take on the live stream

The NYT and ever other news outlet is so desperate for anything Trump at this point that they will literally pimp anything he does. Last week they claimed to have a live stream of him speaking in South Carolina but didn't actually have a stream to link to and instead showed a scene of what appears to be an injured soldier. This is how desperate they have gotten, Trump farts and the entire press corps is standing downwind hoping for a scoop, he insults a reporter and there are twenty guys behind that guy hoping to get shit on. I am sure we'll go into a national depression when he finally bows out whenever that may be although that depression is probably nothing compared to the national funk we'll be in if he actually pulls this off.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Take on the GOAT

A few weeks ago a dear friend asked why there hasn't been any hot Serena pictures that have come out recently and just like that she comes through for her fans like only Serena can. There is no female athlete who has dominated her sport like one Serena Williams, who destroys fellow chick tennis players like she's destroy you in the sack. She has power, grace, brute strength and an ass that starts in center court and ends somewhere on the Grand Central Parkway. She'd take me in mixed doubles with more forehand volley winners than I'd know what to do with

Friday, August 28, 2015

Take on Russell Wilson

Russell Wilson made news this week when he claimed some lame $3 water bottle helped him recover from a concussion, then after coming under fire for claiming something which cannot possibly have any scientific proof. So he now came out with a clarification saying that actually it didn't help him recover from a concussion but instead prevented the concussion in the first place. This of course is about as unbelievable as thinking that he is saving himself for Ciara being he has shown on a few occasions to be far from pious. Maybe he thinks we are all concussed to believe that to actually be true
You know what, I am actually rooting for him to get concussed so he can be forced to stay home and recover with Ciara...after they have tied the knot of course

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Take on the Daily News cover


I generally love the tabloid covers but today, even I got sick when seeing what the NY Daily News decided to feature. I have not watched the video or the first person murder of two journalist yesterday and would have been content to live the rest of my life not seeing it but that all went to hell with today's cover.
I am not sure what to do to avoid a high profile televised murder like this but I doubt giving the thing front page sensational coverage is going to help. I don't pretend to believe that the news should not cover shootings especially ones that captivates a country but to let this dude go down in infamy exactly how he hoped to be remembered in the most grotesque method possible is just awful

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Take on Porn Sniffing Dogs

It wasn't a digital trail that got that fat dude from Subway but a stack of old fashioned playboys or in his case Tiger Beat. I get that police work is intricate and difficult and the NSA probably has a bigger file on each of us than we probably have of ourselves t but who would have thought that they now have dogs that can smell out porn. We have now gotten past the phase of artificial intelligence and I'm starting to freak the F out. I have to wonder how this even works, does the dog intrinsically know when instead of typing www.YouT...and type www.YouP....? Or is this more obvious like a that dogs can smell semen on glossy paper? Either way I am hiding a bunch of Z-Bones dog biscuits around my house.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Take on Fantasy Football

There really is no lamer hobby than fantasy football, not dungeons and dragons, not halo, not Pokemon. I have played for years in a keeper league with buddies from highschool and college and we use to spend hours talking about it but today it hardly comes up in conversation. I'd hear random guys talk about DeShaun Foster and want to jump in to a conversation and now I'd rather poke myself in the urethra with pen. The thought of Michael Bennett or Ontario Smith would keep me up at night, now I don't even realize there is a Mewelde Moore.

So take your ultra competitive double blind, auction, points per reception, best ball big money league and shove it up your five home. As I have gotten older, the less cool the idea is. Now don't get me wrong, a big trade in my keeper league will still get my juice boiling but the thought of doing hours of prep like I did years ago in anticipation for the rookie draft makes me want to vomit. I try to read a couple of articles, check out a few YouTube highlights and look at some expert rankings but overall I can't think of many things I'd less want to do than try to figure out how Gurley is going to be used or whether Duke Johnson can beat out the bums ahead of him and if so, why it would matter.
I will be excited Friday night but probably won't let it preoccupy me leading up to it that day and certainly think that by the time my head hits the pillow I'll be thinking of something else

Long live the SHFFL

Monday, August 24, 2015

Take on Madewell sandals

Apparently they weren't made well but when I saw that 51,000 pairs of Madewell sandals were recalled I assumed it was just because they ugly.  I am not sure how many times we must go over this but these things are an example why the terrorist have won and Donald Trump may soon, too.  No woman in her right mind should be caught dead wearing these bits, unless she is herself Cleopatra or she is homeless because Madewell sandals are as attractive in a chick as one of those skin toned bulky brasiers. 

 



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Sunday, August 23, 2015

Take on the Loser Yankees


Another lame Saturday, another lame Yankee pre game ceremony.  This time they retired Jorge Posada's number, the last of the "core four" although he didn't have that much to do with the 96 team.  Anyway, they decided that they needed to retire him number which now means he joins legends Mantle, Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio along with such non Yankee legends as Billy "a few too many" Martin, Andy "PED" Pettitte and Reggie "only played five years as a Yankee" Jackson.   Even Bernie, Donnie and Guidry are not all time Yankees and they have retired about five managers, a bat boy, the clubhouse attendant and the lead groundskeeper for his rendition of YMCA.  

I'm sure ARod and Texiera and Brett Gardner days await us soon.  I'm still waiting for them to finally retire #19, a true legend who was invaluable to the success of the Yanks of my youth should be hung up there too..yes I mean Yankee great Luis Sojo 

This team sucks 




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Saturday, August 22, 2015

Take on the grading scale

In NYC restaurants have a grading scale to show how sanitary they are, an A means there is probably only a single rat in the basement, a B means that the rat has a small family and a C means that the rat is Catholic. I made it a point to never eat anywhere where the grade is anything but an A and even there I am leery.
But in China their rating scale is even more ominous, the B grade has a corresponding face that looks like the little figure is going to have a rough night on the can, C looks like he is going to die and A looks like he just got a hand job, which they might actually give out in this particular restaurant.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Take on the lines

When you are in a country of 1.3billion people whose area is roughly the same size as our country which has a measly 300million, you learn what congestion is like. Everywhere you go there are endless lines, to get a taxi, to get a subway ticket, to get a train ticket, everywhere there are lines.

I stood on a line today which literally took 40 minutes to get through and this is typical. See in China there is no push for efficiency, in a country where everybody works, nobody rushes. We went from Beijing to Shanghai today and instead of flying, we took a train. Now it was a high speed train routinely doing 300km/hour but when two cities are 1200 kilometers apart and you make multiple stops that train ride takes 6+ hours. Most of the time you'd say that getting to and getting from an airport would add time but it wasn't like the train station was anywhere near my hotel anyway, it took an hour by cab. Then my hotel in Shanghai was another 45 minute subway ride away. So the entire day started at 7:30am and will conclude at nearly 5pm. I'd have to think any flight combo would have been vastly faster. But I asked why we didn't fly and was only stared at like I had two heads. The reason is that the train is $80 and the flight $200, the $120 extra is not worth he extra 5 hours of my life apparently

Oh well.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Take on the dead cranes

I come to China every 8 months or so but am still amazed by what I see when I come. It is not the people, pollution or even the food which surprises me anymore but rather the seemingly endless construction which always shocks you. The skyline of every city is new building after building sprouting up like tulip in the spring. There are literally thousands of new buildings under construction at any given time and not just in the big New York, Chicago and Los Angeles type cities, in their Kansas City, Topeka, Fort Wayne and Milwaukee all look like construction zones. The weird thing is that every one of these buildings is in seemingly the exact stage of construction and it never changes. They are all erected, 30 or 40 stories high but they have no windows, no doors, no electricity, no water no anything. There are huge cranes sitting next to each one but the cranes never move. It is like looking at a morgue, as each building represents a Chinese investment gone bad. You wonder why they have all seemingly stopped at the exact same stage of construction but it does not appear there is any chance they will get finished any time soon

Weird

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Take on the Red Rooster

When you stare at Chinese cuisine it often stares back at guy, thus was the case of the chicken I go served yesterday with its head intact. I am not a vegetarian but spending a week here makes you want to consider it. I know that serving a chicken with its head attached is a delicacy and proves it is, in fact, a chicken and not a rat or turtle but it does not make it any more appetizing for me.

I am not sure who would eat this willingly but I just throw some on my plate and shovel it into my napkin which I empty into my Chinese business associates bag. He'll probably be happy when he finds it in a week

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Take on the ideal woman

using photoshop to find the ideal woman based on body type, hair style, BMI, height, weight and curves to determine how the world sees difference in perfection.   The results were striking and proved again how the U.S. leads he world in just about everything.     The ideal Spanish chick was 5'2 and 250 pounds and looked like she was smuggling a sombrero in her shorts while the ideal Chinese chick was 5'2" 92 pounds with the body of a 12 year old boy.    The U.S. On the other hand nailed this thing with just enough oomph where it counts while not having any extra where it makes it look like I'm looking in a mirror at myself. 

The U.S. version comes in at 9.1 stones (not sure what the hell that means) but looks like there is enough cushion for the pushin without feeling like you are propped up with one of those husband pillows.

USA
USA
USA 








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Monday, August 17, 2015

Take on my lungs

When you land in China for the first time in eight months, you kind of forget what it feels like. I am not talking about the way you feel getting off a long flight but rather what your lungs feel like when you take that first deep breath of 2 to 5 micron smog. It is as if somebody is chocking one of your two lungs closed and you are trying to breath with one remaining one, which by the way might as well be punctured.
It is not just me, Every person walking around looks weathered, like they oiled up their face, threw a baseball into it, wrapped it with a rubber band and then stuck it under the couch cushion. A five year old looks like they are six, a 14 year old looks 20, a 30 year old looks 40 and a 49 year old is dead

The life expectancy here can't be much above 60, with the smog, congestion, pollution, rice bowl haircuts, green bile, purple rivers, three eyes fish and the four packs of unfiltered cancer sticks they all smoke. But the worst thing is that air, because it is as thick as a piece of pork fat and about as appealing to bite into

Only five days to go

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Take on Pajamas on the plane

I have a friend who travels more than anybody I know.  He has easily been to Europe 300 times, to Japan 60 times, to Korea 20 times, to China 20 times,  to Africa 20 times, to India 25 times and around the country hundreds more.    He has hit the million miler point on multiple airlines and it's not uncommon for him to fly back and forth to India, come home for the weekend and then fly back and forth to South Africa on Monday, like he is doing the next few weeks

I've grilled him on the ways of travel, how to get enough sleep, how to avoid getting sick, how to overcome jet-lag and how to do it all without going nuts and in all the advice he has bestowed there is one piece I subscribe to unequivocally: when you get into the plane for a long haul, the first thing you do is get out of your jeans and get into your pajamas.    I used to think this was ludicrous but now I realize the thought of 14 hours of swamp ass in denim is no way to fly.   Pajama pants are key, especially ones with pockets to keep a few valuables in case you need to take a leak 




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Saturday, August 15, 2015

Take on Tianjin

Nothing makes your anxiety for an eight day trip to China peak like reading about an industrial disaster like the explosion in Tianjin this week. Days later they still have not contained the fire and the list of the people killed seems to be climbing by the hour.
What is most distressing as I am about to board a flight to Shanghai is that you know that once I am there, I will have no ability to get information which you could believe to be completely accurate and reliable.
We'll do our best to report our findings when we get on the ground but I am planning to fill up on food at the lounge before we take off

Friday, August 14, 2015

Take on the gigantic penis

Accuweather posted a weather map this week in anticipation for the huge rain storm we were to get and immediately the interweb went nuts because, well, the weather system looked like it might have a set of them hanging somewhere in Florida. The giant uncircumcised unit took up the entire East Coast, the shaft of the weather system went from down in the Carolinas while the head ballooned our around Albany, through Montreal nearly into Nova Scotia probably convincing those funny Canadians that they could just get the tip and it wouldn't count

Anyway, my yard was soaked, my street was a pool and El Niño himself was smoking a cigarette in my bed.
I just hope for Georgia that he manscaped

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Take on the Jeep Wrangler

When one of my married buddies with a couple of kids emailed around saying he was going to get a Jeep Wrangler, I realized that midlife crisis must be upon us. He envisioned taking his toddler girls cruising through grasslands, across streams and over beach dunes with the top down and the doors off which is as likely as him getting a real life chick to take off her top for him in that imaginary Jeep. Little does he realize that all the cool things about a Jeep come with work. Taking the doors off is a chore, getting the soft top entailed some major finger dexterity and having a conversation while doing anything over 10 miles per hour is near impossible but he never listens to reason, so why not let him fall into the trap

It was 1999, I just bought a 1991 Jeep Wrangler in stick with 100,000 miles on it for $6500 and was told the thing would run for 200,000. It was forest green, had a soft top and I could kick it into four wheel drive with a manual pull stick and it was awesome, sort of

The weekend I got the Jeep coincided with the the first time I was dating a chick since I was in high school. This was an accomplishment in itself but most people were impressed because unlike the other chicks I'd mess around with at that time, this one didn't outweigh me by 30 pounds which is quite a feat when you consider that I was clocking it at 245. We are dating for a few weeks and we decide to hit the beach with a few friends, two other couples jump into my buddy's Passat and this girl and I jump into the Jeep. It's the summer of 2000 I don't have a care in the world and am flying high hoping to get a piece of ass for the first time in a decade. I get the car filled up with 87 unleaded, I got my CD carrousel packed with all the greatest classic rock hits, I got printed directions off of MapQuest and had stopped at 7/11 for a Big Gulp. I have a towel and a bathing suit and had spent an hour getting the stupid soft top off the Jeep before picking her up but the world was great.

I got the Stones blasting as we hit the highway and right away I realize that we have a problem, I can't hear a thing she says. The wind is blowing like I'm in a wind tunnel, her hair is smacking her in the face and the smell of the Turnpike is unbearable. We can't hear Jagger, we can't hear each other, we can't hear anything other than the sound of 60 mile per hour winds. But it is a beautiful day and we are an hour out..until we hit the Parkway. It is summer in New Jersey which means the parkway is a parking lot and with the top down and it being 1000 degrees out, the sun is burning a hole into my skin, we're sitting in bumper to bumper traffic and burning to a crisp but this close to getting some tail, I am way too scared to look like a pussy and pull over to get the top back up.

It is 12:30 by the time we pull into the parking lot and now I got to put he top back up because we're in one of those crap shore towns and I'm afraid that some frat boy is going to piss in my car, so there I am, sweating like only a 245 pound hog does, trying to pull that stupid soft tarp back over the top. It is easily taking me 25 minutes, my buddies are all at the beach throwing the football around and drinking Coors Lite and I am standing there hot, sun burned and frustrated with my new girlfriend looking at me like I am a complete imbecile
A half hour later we stroll into the beach, I step of a sea shell, I realize I forgot my wallet in the jeep, I burn even more and after going in the ocean I realize that I brought a stained towel.
We hang or for a few hours, not of the time with me hunched over trying to capture any hope of shade I can and by date looking on concerned thinking I probably have a heat stroke

Finally, We head back to the car, she asks if we should take the top down again which I think to mean is what she wants to do. 20 minutes of work later we sit back in the same crap traffic except now I am wearing a wet bathing suit and I can feel the pimples growing on my ass and we head back home in the same miserable sun with no cover and no chance to have a conversation.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Take on the Brady courtroom sketch

When I saw a picture of the court room sketch of Tom Brady at his appeal hearing today i knew he was being set up. Not only is this entire DeflateGate idiotic, but this picture proves that he is being railroaded because nobody would draw him to look like a melted candle unless they were a Raven or Colt fan. I have never heard of a bigger travesty than the amount of time, money and energy that has gotten into whether Brady did or did not know his balls were deflated and I can honestly say I don't care and that is coming from a Jet fan. You don't destroy the Colts by 10000 points because of a little less PSI in your sack, you beat them by 10000 because they are a soft team who has no heart and who can't win in January.