Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Take on the hardest working man in show business

Antonio Cromartie called Eddie Murphy today and told him that it was time to get himself fixed, because apparently there isn't a cornerback (of piece of latex) in the league who can cover him.  Maybe Eddie just loves kids or maybe he is just to bif for magnums or maybe he just loves child support but when I read that he just had his ninth kid, I just scratched my head. 

When I was a kid, my buddies and I would drive to Alpine and drive past Eddie Murphy mansion, a house that was so big you had to drive around the block to see the entire front and then one day he sold it to Alicia Keys.   We always assumed that he had gotten tired of it and wanted something new but maybe the truth was that it wasn't big which for his growing family.  

This is Murphy's ninth child. The 55-year-old is dad to Eric, 26 (with Paulette McNeely) Christian, 25, (with Tamara Hood Johnson), Bria, 26, Miles, 23, Shayne, 21, Zola, 16, and Bella, 14 (with his ex-wife Nicole Mitchell) and Angel, 9, with Spice Girl Melanie "Mel B" Brown.

What is more (or maybe less) impressive is not the sheer quantity but how goddamn busy Eddie Murphy was between 1989 and 1994. Granted this probably also coincides with the height of his popularity, so he was probably getting delirious with a ton of chicks and apparently doing it raw basically every Saturday Night live in New York and then running over to get busy in Beverly Hills too. 

I wonder if when he was getting called weekly from random chicks if he tried to get some some schmuck to trade places with him or put on some fat man disguise to avoid it becoming public news in which case he may have a few other ones we don't know about.   Either way it would have been great to hear him get chewed out about his infidelity by James Earl Jones 

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, May 2, 2016

Take on Ted Cruz's take on Caitlyn Jenner

In a few days when he loses Indiana and drops out of the GOP race -and hopefully our lives- for good, Ted Cruz will need to figure out what to do with himself. Maybe he will pick mahjong or maybe he will start knitting but either way he should do something because I would hate to see him planning for a revival in 2020. I guess he'll probably go back to Washington licking his wounds and spend time lunching with some of his old buddies like a Marco Rubio and Rand Paul but we all know that this won't fulfill poor Ted's insatiable need to be a prick. What Ted will need is an outlet, something that he can use to speak to his people. What Ted Cruz needs is a blog and I got just the name for it TakeOnTedCruz.com.
Just today he decided to go all in with his transgender bathroom position and singled out Caitlyn Jenner. His argument was that allowing transgender people to use the ladies room opens up the possibilities that sexuall predators could find ways to get into a girls bathroom in a Chucky Cheese's even if the had been no evidence that this is a major or even a minor problem. My argument to his "grown men shouldn't be in the bathroom with little girls" argument is that maybe grown men shouldn't be in the bathroom with any little kid, there are just as many perverts who pray on little boys as little girls. I sure wouldn't want a Catholic priest in the bathroom with one of my friend's sons or my nephew.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Take on puff daddy

Sean Combs announced today that he was retiring from music which was only surprising in the fact that we all assumed that he was retired already. I don't follow modern hip hop but I have to imagine that the last album this guy dropped of any significance was in about 1999 and somehow we all survived. I have nothing against Puffy, never have, but the audacity to announce you are retiring from something you haven't done -well- in two decades is laughable. Nobody will miss you, chances are that nobody will even notice but we wish you all the luck in the world at your next endeavor whatever that may be.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Take on the CSPAN coverage

Watching CSPAN is like watching paint dry but I have never quite seen it as bad as when I turned it on today to try to catch the White House Correspondents Dinner. I am used to seeing them have a lame camera looking into congress as they are waiting for some lame procedural vote but somehow literally watching a bunch of old white men have dinner is worse. This has been going on for hours already and they never change camera angles, so I have seen this Jennifer Aniston looking broad's ass for twenty minutes straight. The chick in the back is pretty hot though

Friday, April 29, 2016

Take on the odd Daily News ad

Clicking onto the NYDailyNews website today I came across a weird pop up ad. It looked like some ad trying to sell me into a new refinanced mortgage but tried to get me to click on it by showing a gigantic breast. Now I am all for breastess but it's not what it is on my mind when considering a 15 year loan with a variable rate but then again I am not in the mortgage field, so what do I know.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Take on Morning Calm

I've heard of Morning Dew and the Calm Before the Storm but when I was ready to board a 14 hour flight today, I heard something I had never heard before. Apparently Korean Airlines has a five tiered boarding process. First the elderly which means a bunch of women wearing colored jump suits, Nike's and perms. Then children and pets, which means that every Korean Paris Hilton gets on board next, then they go Sky Elite so those losers willingly spending 100,000 miles per year in a fish-can get to board but then they shocked me when they announced the next tier was "Morning Calm" which made no sense at all. I guess this is for people who are not expected to give the flight crew any troubles until morning which is like getting a gold star for good behavior and finally they allowed the cattle to board like a herd getting ready to get slaughtered for Kalbi Thanks Korean Air

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Take on the CNN cafe

I'm always shocked when I am in a foreign country and they have a cafe or restaurant named after some random corporate entity that would not seem normal in the states. I would not be particularly interested in having a ham sandwich at the Tampex Bar and Grill, I am not exactly dying to get a hot dog from the Viagra's Dogs and Doooogs truck and I can't tell you how uninteresting getting an Americano served by a guy who looks like Wolf Blitzer at the CNN cafe. I will probably choke on a pubic hair from his nasty beard and then see symbols of the MH370 flight floating around the top in the milk foam

Somehow these corporate cafes and restaurants are big business in Asia, I just don't get the appeal

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Take on the chocolate bagel

Forget the dog meat, forget the fish heads, forget rotten cabbage, the most disgusting thing I have seen in Korea are these bagels loaded up with chocolate cream cheese. They are piled so high, you couldn't possibly squeeze your mouth around them.
You wonder why the average Korean man dude looks like Grimace is because they are having two of these for breakfast??

Monday, April 25, 2016

Take on the North Korean aggression

Nothing makes you feel more like a fish in a barrel or maybe a fish-head between two bamboo sticks than sitting in Seoul while Kim Jong Un decides to send a rocket in your direction from a submarine. I know that officially the South Korean's think it isn't a huge deal because the rocket only went 30 kilometers but when you can basically see Kim Jong Un's gigantic head and shitty haircut from your hotel room balcony in Seoul, 30 kilometers doesn't seem like a small deal, either.

Let's just hope they aren't monitoring US blogs about ladies shoes and ugly feet and think that the Big Head with a Bad Haircut comments about their fat leader are some kind provocation

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Take on the intestines combo

I am a fairly adventurous eater aside from my anti pork and anti bull balls stances but I can't tell you what would be less appetizing than a combo of four types of intestines plus a piece of tongue. I am sitting at some random Gangnam Korean BBQ place and found this on the menu, right in the heart of their "chef's selection" combination. You get some tripe, some kidney and some bunghole and wash it all down with a seltzer water
I'd rather eat bull balls I think.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Take on the non-offer for Asian food

As a veteran of 15 trips to Asian I have come to expect a few things. The shower head will likely come up to my naval, every guy has the same crappy haircut and every woman gets a crappy perm as soon as she hits 45. But all of that pails in comparison to the most annoying thing about traveling to Korea, whenever I am somewhere people assume that I won't eat the local fare. Today, I wake up half way through a 14 hour flight and feel famished, I ask the flight attendant for some food and she said that they only have spicy noodles left so she will bring me a cookie. I tell her that the spicy noodles are fine and she responds that the cookie is very delicious. I tell her thank you for the suggestion but to please bring the noodles. She finally agrees to do until she shows up a few minutes later to say she doesn't have any sides and she only has the noodles which I assure her is fine.
When she finally delivers it, she hands me a fork and spoon. How many people eat Asian noodles with a fork?? I ask for chopsticks and she looks at me like I have three heads

This week is going to be great.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Take on the car wash

Let me give you a piece of advise..whenever you go to a car wash and you are waiting in line for them to vacuum and clean the inside of a car, do NOT choose the line with a minivan in it..believe me. If there are three lines and one has four cars in it, the other has five cars in it and the last has only an Odyssey, go home because it is going to be loooong day.

This is the official list of preference of people to sit behind at a car wash from most desirable to least

- convertible sportscar. The middle aged balding dude is just cruising around on the weekends, he isn't eating it in and probably keeps it cleaner than my toothbrush
- sedan. Some grandmother is driving this thing, she might have a few depends thrown in the back but it should be relatively clean
- Jeep. Yeah it might have some crap but it's probably bags of McDonalds and soda cans which clean up quickly.
- luxury SUV. It could be a mess but they probably bring it in often enough not to worry about it too much
- Prius nobody who cares that much about the environment and that little about their own appearance would litter in their own golf cart
- pickup truck. Might be a spittoon of a few cans of Bud Lite but there just isn't that much space.
- dump truck
- garbage truck
- ambulance
- minivan

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Take on Trump's path to 1237

I have seen hundreds of models and all of them basically have Trump ending somewhere around 1200 delegates, slightly less than the needed 1237 which will likely mean a contested convention. The problem is that if Trump gets that close, keeping it from him will seem like something made for TV and I have to imagine we'll see some convention floor fights and I'm hoping for ones that involve people literally throwing down.
The sad thing for Trump and his knuckle dragging supporters is that Lyin' Ted's been much better at getting the right guys on his side and his operation has such an advantage when it comes to actually knowing the rules even if nobody likes him even a little bit.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Take on subway vinyl

At some point people decided it was cool to decorate their bathrooms by using subway tiles which are just rectangular bricks in a staggered layout. There is nothing particularly cool about it but it does sound sort of urban chic because nothing screams authentic like a Pottery Barn 1/2 bath. For years people have made jewelry out of old subway tokens and I can't count the amount of artistic renderings I have seen of the subway map.
Well this is a suggestion for the hipsters, if you are looking for the next thing...how about subway vinyl. Your friends and neighbors would be so impressed when they walk into your no window kitchen with the particle board cabinets and the stainless steel looking dishwasher and look down and see that brown and paint splattered flooring. To make it even more authentic add some homeless urine, Chinatown toe-nails and flasher ejaculate. You'll be the envy of all of Billyburg

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Take on the neighbors recycling bin

I don't like to dig around my neighbors garbage, oh well maybe I do, but when I walked by today I saw an entire garbage can filled with Heineken bottles. There is nothing wrong with having a cold one after a long day but if you have the money to afford a garbage can full of beer, why the hell would you make it Heineken? At least it covers up the smell of the skunk going around the neighborhood.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Take on Chick-Fil-A

Last week a Chick-fil-a in midtown and you would have thought J-Lo was handing out free chicken. The line went from the corner of 46th and 6th, went down 46th street, circled to 45th and ended up somewhere in Battery Park.

I have had a Chick-Fil-A accidentally and I have to admit it is delicious, the problem is, of course, their anti-gay stance but somehow the liberal Mecca in New York doesn't seem to care.

So I ask, are we a city who cares about equality or are we a city who loves delicious chicken because you can't be both..

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Take on a weird combination

I walked into my local grocery I noticed that Chobani was trying a bunch of new flavor including some kind of banana and nuts thing which looked almost entirely terrible, they had a coffee and toffee which sounds mostly horrible and then they sold one that was sriracha and mango which sounded so ridiculously bad that I bought a case

Happy eating

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Take on the ripped belt

If one of my buddies was getting dressed for a formal wedding and broke their belt, I'd never let them hear the end of it but today the hunter became the hunted. And it is easy pickings
My disgusting body some how managed to split my belt like a wine glass at a Jewish wedding right at the spot where the nub goes into the belt hole. So now I'm standing at a reception with a belt I had to tape together, nothing but class coming out of the Old Righetti

Friday, April 15, 2016

Take on the NBA jersey sponsorship

Maybe Bernie Sanders will finally get his way as we are about to become a lot more European than anybody would like. No, we're not going to all of a sudden all go around wearing turtlenecks and luckily we won't fall into a death spiral of socialist policy but we will start getting advertisements directly onto our favorite team jerseys as the NBA announced today

So I guess we'll have Rocawear sponsor the Nets, Cablevision sponsoring the Knicks and Aetna sponsor Derrick Rose's new knee

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Take on the Smart Tweet

I spent the last few days in Florida but have been home for 24 hours but somehow Twitter hasn't caught up. Today I got three different "targeted promoted tweets" for places in Florida, and I wonder why the hell do I need a remodeling onion at the Lowe's in New Port Richey, FL?

There must be a smarter way to do reach an audience which might actually be in Florida. novel ideal right?