Monday, August 3, 2015

Take on Ronda Rousey

I can't say I know much about her other than the fact she would probably pummel me in 34 seconds but is there a hotter chick this side of Serena than Ronda Rousey?? I have heard people complain that paying $90 to watch her destroy some broad is a total ripoff but I wonder what those same people thought about dishing out similar cash when they watched Tyson frighten Leon Spinks out of his drawers.

The thing is that this chick is a total combination of badass and nerd as she is the baddest woman on the planet whe also being an avid fan of comic books, WWE and WoW. I mean you cannot get dorkier than that yet the question remains..would you last longer in the octagon or her four post bed?? I'd say the octagon and that is knowing she's beat me like a mule

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Take on the debate

With the announcement that the Republican debate would likely be held over two separate sessions with an NCAA play-in game feel, TOR thought it was time to rank the players

Since we have limited space, we'll leave it only for the ones who have a shot

4-1 odds Jeb. He looks just like Mike Francesa, sounds like a giant turd and has the same genetic makeup of the biggest screwup of a president but he's married to a Hispanic woman, seems to be sensible and not a total nutcase (compared to the other guys in the field). He has name recognition, was a governor of a big swing state, looks like the mind of dweeb who wears dockers on a Sunday but falls in that "the evil you know is better than the evil you don't" category for most

8-1 Scott Walker. Honestly he is winning this republican nomination thing and it won't be close but he can't be considered a favorite until he walks up to Jeb and gives him a wedgie, hopefully it of the atomic variety

14-1 Rubio. Might be higher if he can get a more clear consistent message and stops playing to the crazies

20-1. Christie. His chances are probably lower but he will destroy in the debates

30-1 the black guy. Ben Carson

35-1 Rand Paul. Sorry Zed but we're not ready for his type of truth and anybody who believes that 9/11 was an inside job probably shouldn't hold a top office positron

40-1 Ted Cruz. He is considered the intellectual voice of the TeaParty movement which is like saying you are the the skinniest guy at fat camp
There is no chance in hell he wins the nomination, zero. Still he is higher than the next few chumps

45-1 Huckabee. I swear to you that this guy has Hulk Hogan skeletons in his closet. (The bang your buddy's wife type not the hate on Virgil type)

55-1 Trump. He is 10-1 odds worse than Huckabee and Huckabee has NO shot. His fall from the top will be meteoric but entertaining all the way through

The rest of them: Bobby Jindal is a giant turd, Pataki is a douce, Fiorina would lose an election for 8th grade treasure yet she still continues to blow her fortune running, Kasich the average American hasn't heard of him, even the politically involved couldn't pull him out of a lineup and even his own wife wouldn't vote for him. Lindsay Graham, sorry dude but no. Rick Perry put on those glasses and hopes nobody recognizes him as the giant troll that he is. Rick Santorum has as much of a shot as he did four years ago, four years before that and four years before that and then there are a few other guys who I can't remember which is probably a good thing..or not


Saturday, August 1, 2015

Take on the real estate photos

I'll never get why people post pictures of their homes when they have no ability at all to take photos themselves and worse than that, when their house is not photogenic. I'm scrolling through an open house listing down the block and see a photo of a grime covered bathroom with sliding glass doors that have no been cleaned in a decade, two spouts for a shower with only one appearing to be functional and a toilet which looks that of a public park restroom

If you feel the need to take the photo, at least out down the toilet seat, this entire thing looks like a the mind of thing you'd find at the type of motel you'd refuse to stay at..and they want you to buy this one

Friday, July 31, 2015

Take on the Blue Moon

I find that whenever I order a Blue Moon, I'm left unsatisfied. Maybe it because that stuff never sits well and I know that I'll be on the toilet an hour later or maybe it is because beer served with fruit is just kind of not good but one way or another it is always disappointing.
That is sort of what I felt when staring out my window tonight, this magical Blue Moon looked an awful lot like the same normal whitish yellow moon I see every night. I heard about fires and haze and a specific angle but I am standing on my porch at 11PM looking up and I am less impressed with what I see than the average college chick was when staring down at me and THAT is saying a LOT.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Take on CNN's wet dream

The world held its breath when there were reports of a piece of the missing MH370 found on some remote island as well as another -unconfirmed- report that some luggage was also found washed up onshore.   Their excitement wasn't because it finally could mean a conclusion to a mystery that has riddled the world for the last year and a half, CNN was excited because it allowed them to go back to 24 hour coverage and have a glimmer of hope of dethroning FoxNews for the week.  
The issue is that this is probably not the wing of that Boeing 777 as it is likely one that was planted by terrorist somewhere in the Indian Ocean to throw the investigators off the scent of the real trail which would lead them to somewhere between Iran and China. 
So keep getting your panties in a bunch over these stories CNN, as the terrorists ready to load that 777 up full of explosives and strapping Sheldon Richardson to the steering wheel and heading it straight to Roger Goodel's house 

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Take on the designated bus lane

There is no idea which sounds better in theory and is worse in practice than the designated bus lane. The Lincoln Tunnel has one that extends from the NJ turnpike down route 3 to the entrance to the tunnel. It sounds good in theory because the idea would be that buses would have a quick unimpeded route directly into Port Authority but because there are so many buses and so little space in the bus terminal the backup extends all the way through the tunnel, down route 3 and past the tolls on the turnpike. The reason is that Port Authority was built for about a third the amount of buses that come in every day now so there is no place, buses literally have to wait in line to let people off and that line is what extends five miles long to the Turnpike. But if that was the only reason it could be reasonable but with a single designated lane separated from the rest of the highway, it only takes one accident, stalled bus, slow down or whatever the turn the slow crawl into a dead stop and that happens seemingly every single day

So I say they should get rid of the single lane bus lane and designate two lanes next to one another and allow buses to drop passengers off on the street as oppose to within the terminal, it would be the only sensible way to avoid this mess short of rebuilding the Port Authority, the access to the tunnel and probably the tunnel itself and that is about as likely as Chris Christie passing on a jelly donut.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Take on the guilty plea

Joyce Mitchell plead guilty to helping those two thugs escape the prison a month ago by abetting their escape by providing them with tools which she smuggled into the prison. After watching this ordeal unfold on TV like a reality TV show with one of the guys (the one with the big unit) being killed and the other being caught, you'd think that this broad would be facing more than a 2 1/2 to 7 year prison stint. I mean she has admitted to setting this thing up in part to kill her husband and, oh yeah, in the process released two ruthless murderers on the streets of upstate NY. I have no idea what the proper sentencing would be but even a max of 7 years seems a bit lax although it was charming to find out that the big-dicked one charmed her by showing up wearing a coat with a huge hole
Cut out in the crotch area. That is some class there

Monday, July 27, 2015

Take on the New LaGuardia

When Cuomo and Vice President Biden sat down at a midtown luncheon to announce the findings of a study on the antiquated LaGuardia airport they spent hours taking bows for the bold steps they were suggesting to spruce up the dilapidated hellhole that is the worst wipeout in America.  First of all there is nothing less "LaGuardia" than a midtown luncheon, the average flier into that dump has no business at the Four Seasons and the experience is nothing resembling the service you'd get at the airport but let's leave that visual for now 

After some kind of exhaustive planning event they came up with the following

The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which operates the airport, plans to spend about $4 billion on the overhaul, most of which will go toward tearing down the Central Terminal Building, rebuilding it in place and augmenting it with a grand entrance.

The article continued to say the new LaGuardia would be complete by 2021 which is about as realistic as expecting Fiorello LaGuardia himself to rise from his grave to break ground on it.   The Port Authority took 15 years to rebuild the World Trade Center which is still not complete and that was with the support of the entire world behind it, this project could take 25 years to take on.  They also have a new water taxi idea and a couple of connecting bridges but all the real meat on the improvements have to do with redoing that middle terminal which admittedly a disaster but on the list of pressing needs way at the bottom of the list.  
The major issue with LaGuardia has nothing to do with an open concourse or a better place to get a $6 slice of pizza, it is the miserable delays that start with the first departure and run through the last arrival.  If this commission can come up with a way to add about four runways, eliminate the air traffic from JFK and Newark and somehow lift the fog over the entire bay they may have my attention but until then...I doubt this makes any difference at all. 

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Take on The Herd

ESPN made a big deal and grandstanded while they took bows for dismissing Colin Cowherd after some insensitive comments he made towards Dominicans. What they neglected to tell you was that since he had signed with FoxSports1 a few weeks back, this was his last week anyway. That is like telling a kid they are not getting IceCream when you have no IceCream in your fridge I get that ESPN, a Disney company whose image must remain clean, had to take a stand here but it is more than a bit disingenuous to make it look like you were really taking a position here when in fact you moved his departure date up by a few days.
I'd think that had he still had a long term contract with Bristol that this would have been handled with a slap on the wrist fine and suspension during the dead month of August when they don't take rating numbers anyway

What is my bigger fear is that ESPN radio will now be 24 hours of Mike and Mike followed by 19 hours of Ryan Ruocco and that is something that should get everybody up in arms

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Take on torture

I know there are a bunch of liberal groups looking into the enhanced interrogation at Gitmo and a bunch of secret CIA prisons in Romania, Uzbekistan and Iraq but at least those guys being water-boarded are first tier criminals and bad guys. These groups should spend some time defending the poor fathers who have to drive back from the beach with three screaming kids in a 1000 degree Honda Odyssey after a day of 10000 degree temperatures..because that is real torture.
I'm talking top of your lungs screaming, constant bickering, scratching, yelling, crying, moaning for six and a half hours torture. This is the kind of evil shit that Dick Cheney wouldn't have subjected Osama Bin Laden to, this is ear piercing, endless torture whose long term effects cannot properly evaluated.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Take on the Uniqlo sex video

I get that where all perverts and the idea of voyeurism is a huge turn-on but when the entire population of 1.3 billion Chinese people got wind of a couple of millennials knocking boots in a changing room they acted as if they don't have access to YouPorn., which I guess, they don't. This is how sex-craved people are, get them a hint of real live bodies mating and they will go nuts and now every peasant farmer in China is filming himself and his toothless wife doing it in a hut and I'm not sure he world is any better for it.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Take on the LIRR

As much as I may complain about the hell that is Port Authority, the Southwest Airlines mentality of herding cattle at Penn Station might be worse. For those who have not had the pleasure, there are a million people standing in the main terminal area staring at a huge screen like they are playing bingo. At some point the screen changes and they announce a track number and then it becomes a mad dash of hair gel, fake tans and accents. Imagine 10,000 guys with shitty haircuts and muscle shirts squeezing past you in all their sweaty manliness like you are having a beer over at Blazing Saddles as they try to get to Port Jeff, Babylon or Bay Shore. Meatheads and businessmen alike are literally running down the steps, shoving handicapped seniors and pregnant women and for some reason you start to feel like you should hustle too, so you start to run.
You finally get to the platform and the entire dance begins again, all these Carl Lewis wannabes are now standing on the platform with cans of Budweiser in their hands and Newsdays under the arms and they wait until finally the bingo chart comes again. Finally some train which looks like it belongs on the 70s pulls into the station and the platform becomes a basketball court after the ball leaves the shooters hand. These morons all start to box each other out, asses pushed against each other, ladies pulling hair and guys hand-checking all to be the first to have the pleasure to get into a car which smells like bad perfume and urine.
Here they all sit, legs spread wide so no possible human can sit next to them and they gossip, gossip like a bunch of 80 year old yentas. Oh Tommy from down the block just got a tattoo, Tracy with the dyed hair just got pregnant and Rob with the fancy house has put on sooooo much weight. It is just brutal and still you are not done

The thing chugs past Jamaica and Islip and Lake Ronkonkoma and these frat boys become more boisterous after their fourth beer in an hour, the women less attractive and without any working AC the car becomes unbearably hot. You then realize that somebody took a nasty Chinese Food dump in the shitter whose stink is seeping through the entire car. The girls are spraying on so much hairspray you can see the hole forming in the ozone layer and the old men are bitching about their old days in Huntington which they pronounce without the first "t".
You hear some Billy Joel blasting through some headphones and a couple of guys talk about hockey and you just want to kills yourself and that is when it hits you..maybe the train will jump the tracks and the world would be rid of this entire scene of tank tops and bad haircuts and meatheads and accents and we'd all be better off for it.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Take on the giant IceCream

I'm all for somebody enjoying their vacation and see nothing wrong with indulging in the kids of things we can't typically do when away on holiday but does the guy who is a heartbeat away from being the Leader of the Free World have to have an IceCream that is bigger than his head? They make these things in small size, Joe, there really is no reason you need to out down 1800 calories in one sitting

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Take on the Sandra Bland cop

The worst thing that ever happened to cops was the dashcam because for all the stuff they probably prevent and for all they probably protect cops they have also brought a lot of their activity right to the foreground.  I have no idea if Sandra Bland hung herself in that Texas jail but I do know that whatever human rights the constitution claims people have, it does not seem to be enforced.   I hate smoking but see no reason why this woman should be forced to put it out in her own car even if I think she should have put it out to avoid confrontation.   That isn't about rights but about common sense.  But when it comes to the confrontation it is pretty obvious who was looking to escalate it and it wasn't Ms Bland.  But even if she was, you'd hope for a cop to be the one who would take the high road in this situation which he clearly doesn't.  This is just another example of a power trip gone bad, one that has no justification other than one person making another aware that they have the upper hand.  
Anyway, this woman was no angel as her arrest record shows but I doubt any you watching it would agree that she deserved what she got but then again I've been wrong before when predicting human reaction to situations like this 

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, July 20, 2015

Take ok the Ashley Madison hack

Jesus, if there was one website TOR readers did not need to get hacked it was Ashley Madison. If there was a website that should have quadruple encrypted it would be this one. This website, beyond all others, was suppose to be about being discreet and keeping it quiet and now the entire world will know that Joe B was unhappy in his marriage, Mike F just wanted to have a little fun and Craig C is a sex maniac.
But then again, maybe we knew at already

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Take on Trump

It is as if Donald Trump is in a weird competition where he is trying desperately to get thrown out of his high school gym class but every time he does something stupid somebody decides that he should run for class president
I cannot imagine that he actually thinks he has a real chance to win and this is probably all just a big publicity stunt.   The Mexican comments were nutty, the McCain ones tone death but with every comment he makes that should be the nail in the coffin the more he surges.  I am just expecting him to announce his running mate will be Bill Cosby to see how far he can keep this trolling going. 

As my buddy The Bump said, the one thing that a long drawn out campaign might do though is force Jon Stewart to reconsider his retirement.  

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Take on tobacco

Driving around North and South Carolina this week I noticed two things

1- the amount of confederate flags flying over private property is at an all time high. In SC there are stars and bars everywhere along the highways, they may have taken them down at the Statehouse but there are now more than ever

2- the amount of people who smoke dwarfs that of people who smoke in New York. The first part is obvious, the states have a vested interest in smoking as it is a huge portion of their business but what is even more shocking to a Yankee is how cheap they are relative to what you'd pay up North

A pack of Marlboro Reds are advertised at $5.25 and some of the other qualities have prices under $4.00 while in NYC I don't think you could get anything under $10 at this point. Forget the health factors, people smoke less in NY than in NC because it is ridiculously expensive habit. Say what you will about government overreach but you can certainly see a cause and effect here.

I was surprised that California, a hotbed of progressive liberal overreach is in the bottom half of state tobacco prices.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Take on the Bag of Crap

I woke up at 5am in Charlotte this morning, drove 400 miles, got on a plane runway for an hour next to a guy who was 200 pounds too heavy for his economy seat and landed at the height of rush-hour in LaGuardia which even in the summer sucks. My Uber app was screwed up, my wife called to say she was out with the kids and there were leftovers in the fridge, I woke up gum in my hair and the FDR looked like a parking lot, I may as well move to Australia.
I walk into the house and see a box which can only be described as unibomber-esque. The handwriting was messy, the entire thing was wrapped in a recycled box and the smelled a bit like a combination of potassium and cyanid. I did notice an $18.80 charge from USPS and thought that this Kaczynski
character wanted me blown up pretty bad. I thought about calling the FBI but was afraid what they may find so decided to take matters into my own hands. I lifted the 20 pound box to the kitchen, hit the garage for some tools and safety glasses to avoid any shrapnel and prepared to dismantle this like I dissecting that earthworm in my 8th grade bio class

I opened up the box and found what can only be described as ransom letter with all the misspellings and odd font you'd find for a guy who has your dog tied up in the basement of his cabin in New Hampshire and is demanding you to send him a can of tuna a week for the next year

I rip open the box and find one oddity after another
First a weird canvas bag whose contents weighed about fifty pounds

Luckily the bomb that was wired to explode at opening like it was King Tut's tomb had a wire trip but I did find what was meant to be the starter

The intended shrapnel was still intact

I opened it up and dug through it and immediately got pricked by what I could only imagine was an AIDS filled used heroin needle

I got a bit further and found a bottle which was obviously spiked with anthrax

There were clues to what The Manifesto might entail

Then I realized this may very well have come from Anonymous although I am not exactly sure why they'd ever expect me to use this AOL era propaganda material

Then like a Godfather type message I pulled out a dead fish head with more heroin needles sticking out of it and I was getting nervous

More sharp objects intended to maim me

A few phallic symbols to emphasize how little control I had of my own situation

Finally the backup to incriminate me with the FBI had I called them

an then I hit the major booty, the hidden message with the symbol of my very own Zodiac killer

And finally a reminder to me that this madman knew exactly who I was, what I did and when I am at my most vulnerable

I'm so screwed

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Take on the Espys

I have been a sportsfan most of my life, love to watch sports and think about my FantasyFootball league more than any grown man should but when it comes to sports award shows I have to say that I don't get it. Honestly, in 20+ years of he ESPYs, I can honestly say I have never watched a single second of it. Maybe it is because it falls in the middle of the summer or maybe it is because I don't care who had the baddest dunk or which team has the best comeback, but I could not think of many things less interesting than them

So I hope Caitlyn Jenner had fun, hope the Jimmy V foundation had a good night, I hope Lebron got an award for best actor in a movie featuring a local high school thespian society and I hope that Odell Beckham didn't blow out his knee doing something goofy but mostly I hope that they cancel this thing or at minimum show more of the chick in the red dress

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Take on PrimeDay

I wanted to discuss the Iran deal today but have kind of decided that,
unlike all these idiot senators and presidential candidates, that I
will reserve judgement till I actually read the thing.

Anyway in celebration of that 20 month negotiation, Amazon has decided
to open its coffers and discount a bunch of Roombas and baby wipes.
I have been on all morning and like what Woot-Off has become it is
just a collection of crap they cannot sell otherwise. I go online
wanting to buy something, even if I have no idea what I need but I
swear there is absolutely nothing interesting they are offering.
This is the Woot mentality through and through, just keep throwing
crap up and I guess they realize that at some point people will buy it
to help sell it out and get rid of it only see what crap is next.

So thanks for nothing Amazon, this entire day is ruined