Sunday, July 27, 2014

Take on the WWTJD crew

There are not many things in life I like as much as Trader Joe's.
Between the $4.99 pound of grass fed sirloin, the $3.99 organic grape
tomatoes and that delicious free sample bar in the back by the
yogurts, the place is a splendid experience. The food is good, the
prices we cheap and the selection is solid plus you can get a free
Dixie cup of coffee to keep you from wanting to kill those
ridiculously happy cashiers. I mean, what the hell is up with those
people, they all walk around like they have been sucking on the helium
tank over at Party City because the entire place feels like a you are
in a bizarro world. A world which is manned by a cult of California
surfer meet Brooklyn hipster and everybody has a perpetual smile on
their faces as if somebody just opened an all you can eat taco stand.
I get that life shouldn't be that hard but come on, this is
ridiculous, nobody can be that excited that you just got in a shipment
of pesticide free radishes and nobody should. These people aren't
from here and they certainly aren't normal. There have to be some
subliminal messages hidden in the art work of cows and pastures and
windmills that speak only to the truly informed and that message is
probably how they plan to take over the world

I am sure that this entire operation is a front for some kind of Nike
sneaker wearing, Waco compound having, Jesus loving, group sex having,
mental mind-game playing, organic organic origami of organ donors but
as long as they serve those delicious pigs-in-a-blanket at the that
tasting station and keep offering $2.99 organic milk, call me David
Koresh

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Take on the Baseball HOF eligibility

Today it was announced that the Baseball Hall of Fame has started to change some of their eligibility rules and TOR, for one, is excited about it.  Baseball is already ridiculously long and boring, so any way to shorten any part of it, is good for me.    One rule was that they made players eligible for only 10 years, cutting the original 15 years by 33%.  The only part that I am annoyed about is that they should cut it to five years.  If you can't make the HOF after five years, then you aren't worthy of being inducted.   Being a Hall of Famer should be obvious and the decision should be definitely yes or otherwise it's a no.  Not only that but I think they need to go back and pull anybody out who wasn't inducted within the first five years and stuck them in some other crappy HOF, like the basketball one 



Sent from my iPhone

Friday, July 25, 2014

Take on the beach

Years ago I had a couple of friends who loved going to the beach and I
could not understand why. I mean, I loved seeing the hot chicks and
liked the ocean but the thought of laying out in the sun all day was
as appealing as getting kicked in the nards. The two of them would
lay our with an iPod and sun all day and I would be sitting on the
boardwalk with a lemonade counting the hours till we went back home
again and it took my 20 years to figure out what I was doing wrong.
It's not that I hate the beach, it's that I hate sitting out under the
blazing heat for 5 straight hours. First of all sitting under the sun
on a clear day is blinding even with shades on and it's usually so hot
that you can't do anything but sleep. Add to that the fact that I am
a few shades lighter than white and when I lay out I can basically
feel the cancer burning into my skin and always ended up looking like
a fried lobster after an hour. It didn't help that at that age guys
where too homophobic or grossed out to put any sunscreen on my back,
so I was just forced to suffer.
Now I go to the beach at 9am, hang till 11 and don't even think about
going back till well after 3pm and do it with the biggest beach
umbrella I can find. I'd even wear a burka if I could find a water
resistant one

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Take on the NFL personal conduct policy

Today the NFL suspended Ray Rice for a couple of games for assaulting
his then-fiancé now-wife in Atlantic City a few months ago.

We get that this had to be done and was likely too light but we
applaud the NFL for taking such measures but wonder how exactly they
come up with these penalties?

Take Josh Gordon, another NFL star in hot-water this offseason, as an
example. Gordon is facing a yearling suspension for what is said to
be a violation of the drug policy for allegedly smoking weed. The
guy had a few strikes against him with previous drug issues and has
had a subsequent DWI, so lest anybody feel that bad for this guy.
What bothers us is that Gordon will be suspended (rightfully so) for
doing something that is lawful in about 15 states medicinally and
lawful in two recreationally. The NFL has a policy and he should
abide by it but when they turn around and give Rice only two games for
beating his fiancé so badly that she was knocked unconscious and was
dragged into an elevator by Rice. How does the NFL give that guy
only two games while suspending Mike Vick for a year for a dog
fighting ring or Gordon for smoking weed?

Time to step up to the plate and make your punishments more consistent
with the crime, Goodell

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Take on Zanfel

I came across some kind of cream at Duane Reade today which has to be
up there with a cream to grow the size of a chick's t!ts or a dude's
junk. This cream called Zanfel will apparently turn a chubby looking
Asian kid into a dorky looking white kid in a couple of days. That
may seem like a decent trade-off for some but as a dorky looking white
guy, I can assure you it isn't all that great a trade.
So maybe it's better to spend your time and money on some cream to not
make your face look like a tomato after having a couple cocktails.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Take on sleep deprivation

I question a bunch of the UberFactoids I get on my twitter feed but
not the one I read the other day was one which is 100% true

With three kids you learn pretty quickly that sleep is something you
basically put on hiatus for a decade. The "fact" said that sleep
deprivation leads to everything from being irritable to ugly to fat to
unhappy. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and realized I
got old and ugly (well uglier) virtually overnight. I have huge bags
under my eyes, graying beard hair and a pale complexion and compared
to the rest of my body that's actually attractive

Monday, July 21, 2014

Take on the Greatest Story ever Sold

45 years ago the greatest film ever made was broadcast to millions of
homes across this country. A film so influential that countries have
spent decades trying to reproduce it and to this day nobody other than
the original producers have come close. Not only did I have the
most memorable line uttered on camera, it had an iconic hero, a
perfect setting and brought a country together like winning a World
Cup, Olympic gold in Figure Skating and hockey, winning the Ryder Cup
(not the Davis Cup) and the Little League World Series all at the same
exact moment. The level of pride and patriotism was at an all time
frenzy as the US showed again why it could create the greatest I
illusion known to man and wrap it in the American Flag

If landing on the moon was possible, why hasn't it been done done in
40 years? You might say that there is morning to find there anymore
but we do a lot of money on stupid things and some president would
have wanted a shot at some kind of return to infamy. The Chinese
spent a billion dollars on the Olympics to spur domestic pride and put
itself on the world stage as a great power but wouldn't spend that to
land on the moon??
But mostly it is a farce because although shooting a rocket with a
gazillion horsepower up to hit a moving target it probably near
impossible especially with 1970's technology there is no way you can
tell me they they were able to get that clear a picture transmitted to
earth in real time when I can't even watch Flip or Flop without
Optimum crapping out three times in an hour. You see factoids all
the time that way that the world's largest computers back 49 years ago
have the same computing output as a calculator does today, yet they
could have predicted exactly how two moving objects 100,000 miles
apart could converge while Geno Smith can't hit a receiver running a
35 yard out?

But if you still believe then riddle me this. If it takes a billion
horsepower rocket to get man to space, how can those guys return from
the moon on a spacecraft the size of a Volkswagen Beetle? Don't give
me some crazy catapult reason, there is no way that little tin can had
enough juice to lift off the moon and back to earth

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Take in strippers at funerals

I follow a bunch of funny facts handles on twitter which seem to be
interesting 80% of the time and true probably 50%. Most of them are
about crazy things Japanese people do like make three dimensional
photocopies if vaginas or spend more money on emoticons than on rent
or something.
Well I read on fact this week which said that they have strippers at
many Taiwanese funerals. I had to confirm with the only Taiwanese
person I knew and he did confirm that this happens and it's almost the
least weird thing at the funeral. I think there are probably beers,
smokes and glory holes in the back room, so the strippers are the
least of the issue
But I kind of get this, some dude probably fugues that at his funeral
he wants people to enjoy themselves as opposed to being sad an
depressed and nothing makes people happier than a stripper.
We have a few questions for our Taiwanese friends

- do they pole-dance?
- are you expected to tip?
- is there any open grab-ass or is it more subdued?
- who pays for her?
- is it in bad taste to make it rain?
- does this only happened at guy's( and lesbian) funerals or is it
common for everybody?


I told my buddies that I want them all to go to FD's when I pass on
and since I will bee cremated to spread my ashes all over the stage.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Take on the naked people beach

The naked people beach always seems like a much better idea in theory
than practice. Yeah, there might be a bunch of smoking hot 22 year
old chicks lubing each other up while occasionally kissing but the
chances are probably that the naked people look a lot more like you
do. A little more here than you'd like and a lot less there than
you'd like to admit. This is why I was so disturbed to read that the
trend of naked people beach vacations was on the rise and that it can
basically all be attributed to the fact that the clientele is getting
older and have more disposable income. Naked overweight, under
tanned bodies are one eye-sore but now add wrinkles, dark spots and
years of gravity and it goes from a bad idea to a Freddy Kruger movie

So people, please stop getting old and naked, for the love of all
things young an hot in this world

Friday, July 18, 2014

Take on the guy who got beaten silly by a dad after he caught the dude sexually abusing his son

I don't usually condone violence but when a father caught some pervert
sexually assaulting his pre-teen son and proceeded to make his face
look like a ballsack, I applauded. I know violence is not an answer
but when the crime is so heinous, the victim so young and the
perpetrator such an obvious pussy, it can't be stopped.
I'm only surprised that the father didn't go further and make the guys
face look...dead.

Assuming there are no additional facts due to come to light, I don't
think the dad will face any charges but if he does, I'm donating $100
to his defense fund

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Take on the Malaysian Jet crash over Ukrain

We may be looking at the beginning of WWIII if it is proven true that
Russia shot down a commercial jet over Ukraine today. Malaysian
airlines has had a rough 6 months but today's news has taken a bizarre
situation and made it even more so

I cannot imagine what it must be like for the families of the 295
people on board but I don't think this is going to end real well
because this could be seen as an incredible show of aggression -even
if it's mistakingly misplaced- by either the Russians, The Separatists
or the Ukrainians.

If this was meant towards the Ukraine, it will put the US in a tough
spot because as a NATO member, we have an obligation to defend
Ukraine, so this could be the start of WWIII

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

take on the penis weight

just read an article about some company who was introducing some kind of penis weight.. The theory behind it, I guess, is that like any muscle, if you want to strengthen it, you have to work it out.   I can see some people trying this but really when you hit your late 30's, adding a gigantic weight to your unit may mean you will never get a woody again.. When you are overworked, overtired, drive a mini van for your half a dozen kids, I think you want to do everything to avoid keeping it down.. your ball-sack has already dropped, do you really need your unit going the same route.  Forget adding a weight at this point in life you may be better getting a fork-lift.. so no thanks Private Gym LLC, I'm only really interested if this thing will actually increase the size.. 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

take on the piss rug

is there anything more disgusting than one of those toilet rugs?   I have seen the way that dudes aim, even when they are trying and after a few coffees the entire bathroom looks like a slip and slide. Now you add a little rug which will absorb anything from a missed stream to a little drip-drip so at least there isn't a puddle of piss in your bathroom but really do you need your rug to be a piss-mop?

If you need a place to plant your feet on a cold night..wear socks.. there is no good reason for a piss mop rug.


Monday, July 14, 2014

Take on Twitbook

Twitter keeps trying to convince me to try to follow friends online
claiming it will make the entire experience that much better as if
getting bombarded with pictures of my neighbors softball game, a photo
that some random meal an acquaintance had or my crazy aunt's
worldview will somehow enhance the experience. What somebody should
tell Twitter is that one of the reasons people enjoy it is because it
is not Facebook. They both have their place but when one tries to do
the other, it doesn't ever work.

To me Twitter is a place to get breaking news, quick jokes and crazy
facts which is easily unobstructed from picture of cute cats or cuter
kids This is not a knock on Facebook but just use Twitter serves a
different purpose and that's ok. Nobody asks the NY Yankees to take
on Germany in a game of futbal or asks the NY Times for half naked
pictures of Rihanna because it is not what they are good at and not
what people going there expect.

So Twitter, stop trying to be something you are not and bombarding me
with this crap. Now I have been told you can get a lot of good pr0n
on Twitter if you search for the right terms

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Take on the HGTV shows

For the last few months we've had the HGTV channel on about 90% of the
time the TV is on. It's a great channel with a bunch of good shows on
home improvements but what continues to kill me (and a few buddies who
I have discussed this with) is that every one of these shows seems to
be able to a complete gut renovation for the cost of a Honda Odyssey.
These shows will take a complete dump with mold in the basement,
structural problems, low ceilings and are basically made completely
out of asbestos. The owners of the house give a couple of brothers
(literally two brothers not a bunch of black dudes) $30k and they turn
a complete wreck into a million dollar mansion

What is frustrations is that we redid our fireplace for about $10k and
these guys will put on an extension for that price. I get that a
lot of the stuff they do is very cosmetic and decluttering which makes
these places look a lot better but what I have to think is that the
show must be subsidized by the show. For one, the "contractor" is
often the host of the show, so he's not taking his same cut.

Mostly, I am annoyed that if a house around NYC costs a million
dollars and the same house in Texas goes for like $150k. I get that
living in Texas isn't for everybody but at some point the cost of the
work and renovations is just so ridiculously overpriced around here
that watching this channel is akin to asking your four year old to
kick you the groin for thirty minutes per night

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Take in the third place game

There are a ton of things which are great about The Beautiful Game.
The fluid pacing, the acrobatic scoring, the national pride, the nail
biting finishes and the grace of the play itself. There are also a
bunch of things which are just not: arbitrary extra time, shootouts to
determine champions, flopping etc, but nothing is weirder than the
fact they play this ridiculous 3rd place game. This is like playing
a losers bracket in Fantasy Football. It sounds like a great idea six
months before it happens but then it happens and everybody wants to
start a bunch of Bills and just go home.

I still hope the Dutch beat the Brazillians who seem utterly defeated
but really...who cares who wins this thing

Friday, July 11, 2014

Take on The Decision 2.0

We have all been waiting around for Lebron to tell us where he will
play for the next 1 to 10 years and were finally rewarded with him
coming out in SI and saying that he is going back to Cleveland. As
much as he was killed for The Decision, this was almost the opposite
in terms with the announcement coming in the form of a internet post
as opposed to an elaborate self serving TV special.
But what us most interesting is that the NBA continues to do the WWF
better than the WWE. Lebron goes from hero to heel to hero and like
Hogan back in the yellow and red will be brought back with nothing but
love by the desperate fans

What is most interesting is that the most sympathetic figure might be
Dwayne Wade. The third member of the Big Three, Chris Bosh, will
likely sign a max contract with the Rockets, so opting out for him was
not a huge financial loss. D-Wade will now be left 42million
guaranteed lighter even if he had a wink-wink agreement with the Heat
to get his money. He might now have to take 5 years to get his $42
and he'll be doing it with the likes of Chris Anderson and Mario
Chalmers both of who would make better video game characters than NBA
players.
Unless of course, Carmelo joins Bosh and Wade in South Beach and
battle the Cavs for Eastern Conference supremacy

Vince McMahon couldn't dream for this

Thursday, July 10, 2014

take on the anus tear

As much as yesterday's game between Argentina and The Netherlands hurt to watch as a Dutchman, it could not have been nearly as painful as the injury one of the Argentinian players suffered on the pitch.,

Javier Mascherano says he tore his anus as he tried to block a potentially game winning kick by Arjen Robben.   I've been a sports fan for 30 years and I've seen some gruesome injuries including blown out knees, torn groins, pulled nuts, hamstrings, concussions, bloody faces, Joe Theisman's leg and Chris Dudley's broken nose but I don't think I can think of anything more painful than a dude trying to tackle somebody so hard that his anus tears.  I'm not sure how that is even possible but when it comes to a man's asshole, I try to avoid getting to much detail.  

now just think of what would have happened if FIFA got rid of the stupid penalty kick thing and went back to the golden nut and Robben would have scored.. we can only dream about the amount his ahole would have hurt then. ..


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Take on the new iOS end call button

I finally downloaded the latest iOS this week auger punting on it for the last few updates.  I like to have the latest and greatest software whenever possible but find that updating the IPhone is always a scary endeavor.    My entire life is backed up onto my phone and everytime I press "update software" there is that one second where the entire things goes blank when I fear I have just dropped the thing in a lake.  It is supposed to be backed up in the cloud but who really trusts that??

But anyway, I finally downloaded the new iOS and find that the end call button on the phone call screen is annoyingly small.  If was originally this big sliding thing but now it's a button the size if a Canadian dime

Get me back the big sliding bar and get on with it 


Sent from my iPhones the land of no 



Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Take on the left the kid on the subway platform mom

There are a few things that bother me more than the faux outrage over
the woman who left her baby on the subway platform at Columbus Circle.
Of course it is terrible to leave a 7 month old to fend for themselves
and there are obviously thousands of options that seem more humane to
greater society but I bet if you would allow yourself to see this
situation for what it really is, you'd find that it is not so
atypical.
Firehouses have long been a safe haven for people dropping off kids
who they believe they can no longer care for, adoption is a common and
accepted and women make difficult decisions every day but to think
this situation is so different is letting the situation and probably
the woman's skin color cloud your view
Although you'll find certain people who will claim motherhood (or
fatherhood for that respect) is like having ice-cream for dinner every
night, most people will tell you it is the most difficult, draining
and challenging thing they have ever gone through. Most people who
will get up on their soap-boxes about this will be people who either
have a support system or the means to pay for one in place to help
them raise their child.
I will make an assumption that is probably an unfair, biased
generalization grossly exaggerated based on a generalization but I
assume that the woman who left this child behind is a single mother,
living on modest means, with very little prospect for betterment and
probably made a decision -as ludicrous as it may seem to us- that this
child was better off in the hands of child-services than her own.
She did not drop her off in a ditch, behind a garbage can or even on
some secluded subway station, she dropped her off on one of the
busiest platforms on the MTA line and right in the heart of one of the
wealthier parts of the entire city.

This was possibly a child she did not plan for and the father may very
well have not been around to help raise the little girl. She may have
seen no hope and out of desperation decided this was best or maybe she
just lost it. Maybe she is clinically insane, strung out, high or
drunk; any of which would make me pretty sure she isn't a candidate
for mother of the year.

Should she have left the child on a subway platform?? Of course not.
Did she do it to harm her child...I doubt it. I think it was probably
the most humane way which she thought she could get out from
underneath the pressures of unwanted motherhood and certainly a much
preferred option than other ones you see often (hello hot car dad in
Georgia or drive into the ocean mom)

What bothers me most is that I would bet that there have been times
that most parents have had an inkling of a desire to drop their kid
off and just be done with it. Everybody will claim this is not true
for them but I unless they are the reincarnation of the baby Jesus,
Mother Theresa and Gandhi all rolled into one, they have had a point
in their life that they have had a thought that is not something
they'd ever admit. Anybody who tells you differently isn't being
honest..or at least should be inviting the rest of the world for that
ice cream dinner

Even the most loving and most caring ones have had moments when it all
felt like it was too much..but most of us have a support system,
financial or through family, which can help there. We are also
college educated professionals with a good grasp on impulse control
yet most probably have said or done things they have regretted.
I understand it is easy to pile on this woman and I agree is is not
fit to care for this -or any other- child but at some point you have
to realize that if this was a white woman in the burbs who dropped her
baby off at a firehouse, we would comment her for being brave and
doing what was best for her child, even if we ourselves would never
consider it.

now for that ice cream dinner