Thursday, January 29, 2015

Take on the UPS fuel surcharge

As part of my responsibilities at work, one of the things I am tasked
with is the cost of shipping. Shipping is one of our largest yearly
expenditures as we are a company which sells and the. ships a physical
product. A few years ago, we got a letter from UPS that because of
then rising cost of fuel, we would be getting hit with some kind of
fuel charge, one that has climbed all the way to 5% of the total price
of the shipment. These added costs and charges are just a way to
raise rates without actually raising rates so that shipping companies
can still show lower published rates to their customers and makes it
more difficult to cost compare

We were told that this surcharge was only because of the additional
cost of fuel but as gasoline has dropped from highs in the mid $4
range to well below $2 in many states, it's been interesting that UPS
had done nothing about their surcharge, one they claimed was necessary
because of the prices at the pump

I'm sure that somebody will bring up that UPS might buy gasoline in
futures and are thus tied to higher prices now, but they had no issue
raising prices as soon as gas went up. Even if so, if they ever do
decrease this surcharge or rightfully eliminate it, I would then
expect them to honor the lower fuel prices as they would have bought
futures at the present rate, too.

So let's make this clear and simple.. UPS, give me back my 5%. Not
just moving forward but for all the shipments we've made since gas
prices have been falling

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Take on the fur hooded jacket on a man

There are a few things completely unacceptable for a grown man to
wear...and the jacket with the fur hood leads that list. I get the
desire to be warm but it would have to be -1000 before I decided to
wear my wife's jacket out in public, especially when you have the
apparent means to buy something that doesn't look like you are wearing
a poodle

Have you no shame??

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Take on the empty city

The Daily News had it best when they called the great
blizzard..snor'easter. For days I have been told that the apocalypse
is at the door and for days I have ignored the warning signs. Not
because the potential of a snowstorm isn't right but because these
weathermen get their rocks off on getting the city's collective
panties in a bunch.
Every single weather forecaster had it wrong..every single one..and
Andrew Cuomo, Chris Christie and Bill de Blasio took it a step further
by shutting the entire city, all the airports and all modes of public
transport. UPS which prides itself on logistics was so lost it
couldn't find a brown truck with Dora's map. They couldn't pick up,
deliver or damage a single package all day. The spirits cancelled a
billion flights, stores and restaurants were shuttered and the Knick
game was cancelled which might have been a good thing

Anyway, it is ridiculous how nervous we get over snow. When I was a
kid they waited till the morning to figure it out and that worked
fine. If it was bad you stayed home, otherwise you went in

Plus I got a refrigerator full of food at home, what the hell am I
suppose to do with that??

Monday, January 26, 2015

Take on the breaking deflate gate news

We've spent a week reliving high school talking about science and physics and throw in some juvenile locker room jokes and now we finally got the ultimate high school ending.  Apparently they have found the culprit... the assistant to the assistant of the locker room attendant with some snot nosed kid taking Brady's balls and took the air of them

Obviously this is the perfect answer for Brady and Belichick with somebody falling on the sword. There is obviously nobody who will buy this story and it will only bring it back to the front page which is so idiotic because with this huge storm would have given the Pats the perfect cover.  Nobody is interested in Brady's balls when they have no power. Plus this takes their best and most plausible alibi lot of the discussion; that they had the balls inflated to the legal bottom limit and that they deflated because of the weather

There is no way they some kid is going rogue and doing this on his own.  Follow the money baby because it's only a matter of weeks before they find a check deposited in this kid's pocket from Mr. B√ľndchen

 


Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Take on mass hysteria

All day today I've heard people describe Armageddon as they prepare
for the biggest, baddest, craziest, snowiest, blizzard-iest blizzard
of all time. The tri-state area is expected to get upwards of 100
feet of snow with winds of 1000 miles per hour, ice build up easily a
foot deep and temperatures in the -50 range during the daytime and
dropping to -100 at night.

In my hometown the line for gas was 100 cars deep by 7pm, the grocery
store was sold out of groceries and even the dogs were wearing snow
shoes. The elderly and sick have already been sacrificed, the women
and children sent off to Florida and the men have been prepped for
King Kong meets the Dairy Queen

I am not sure we'll survive

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Take on the Japanese hostage

We were horrified when we heard that Japanese hostage, Haruna Yukawa
was killed by ISIS earlier today. The $200,000,000 ransom was
obviously a bit unrealistic to begin with but I can't think of any
good reason to ever negotiate with these animals anyway especially
considering the other thing that horrified us

The second thing that horrified us was that this dude Yukawa was
originally Masajuki Yukawa but changed his name to the more feminine
Haruna after some cross-dressing Chinese heroine and went a step
further by cutting off his own balls. He then got involved with a
bunch of ultra right wing Japanese groups, apparently hoping for a
revival of Japan's military dominance and started a security firm
while living on a park bench. This guy is standing on street corners
yelling at people on their way to work about the end of the world and
the end of the Japanese dynasty when he decides to go to Syria.

So this guy was basically the Japanese equivalent of a crazy homeless
guy on the subway when he decided a to get up and follow is
convictions (and the people speaking in his head) to Syria on as some
self-proclaimed security expert to try to protect unknown Japanese
business assets.

Well the Asian Bruce Jenner gets captured faster than you can say
arigato, somehow escapes and gets back to Japan and finds a way to go
back out to Syria again and is captured immediately again and all of a
sudden the Japanese government is supposed to come up with $200million
in non consecutive unmarked bills to deliver down in hell hole desert.

I feel bad he got killed but come on dude, nobody is willing to come
up with $200 to save the crazy homeless guy standing on the corner
yelling about the return of the the KKK in big government let alone
$200,000,000

Friday, January 23, 2015

take on the SkyMall

Just read that the SkyMall has filed for bankruptcy which can't be that surprising considering that there probably aren't more than 100 people in the world who have that much interest in a garden gnome or a water pick.   I've taken well over thousand flights in my life which means that I've looked at well over a thousand copies of SkyMall and I've yet to buy anything.    It's not that I don't buy crap, I have boxes of crap from Woot.com for example just collecting dust, it's that I just am not that interested in the stuff that they offer..  A sleep pillow, an Ipad case or a drone are all sensible purchases but not enough to actually make me..you know what to buy one..

Maybe with that many less copies of SkyMall on the planes the airplanes will be more fuel efficient which would mean cheaper fares for us..  maybe not..

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Take on FrancesaCon

FrancesaCon II is around the corner and this mongo is excited. No so
much to go, which I am not, but just to see the collection of weirdos
who idolize the pope. Last years photos was like a ragtag of losers,
nerds and virgins...and it looked great. These guys sold out all their
tickets so this is more than some clique cult following Abe rumor has
it that even Fatso will be in attendance to bless the unwashed masses,
which sort of makes it worse.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Take in Bill's shrinking balls

All the talk about Super Bowl 49 is not about the great defense of the
Seahawks or the incredible run of Tom Brady but of Bill Belichick
again looking to circumvent the NFL rule-book, this time my deflating
the balls used in the game. Having softer balls apparently make them
easier to catch, throw and hold onto which makes sense even if it's
probably only a slight advantage.

What is more entertaining is hearing all the adult sports commentators
talk about handling soft balls, hard balls, doctored balls and
properly treated balls. I am wondering how the nightly broadcast news
is covering it but got to love the thought of Brian Williams
discussing balls.

One commentator even compared deflating balls to steroid use..I guess
both do get you deflated balls

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Take on Doug Marrone

A month ago Doug Marrone backed out if his contract with the Bills
collecting a guaranteed $4million in the process and everybody assumed
he had a wink-nod agreement with Woody Johnson to become their next
Head Coach. Even with that job seemingly in the bag, there were at
least four or five other head coaching jobs that had opened up where
Marrone was being talked up significantly.
The problem for Marrone was that every time he interviewed for one of
these can't-miss jobs, he fell on his ass. I've heard this guy is a
grumpier Bill Belichick without the resume, so I can't say I am
shocked but today when he became the offensive live coach for the
Jaguars, that had to be an all time low.
This dude was thisclose to the Broncos job, The Jet job, the Bears job
and the Falcons job but after all the dust settled he is the like
coach for the Jaguars which is about as exciting as being...well
anything on the Jags

Poor Dougy M. Then again maybe he'll wipe his tears in four million
dollar bills

Monday, January 19, 2015

Take on the upper west side moving company

Is there anything less necessary than somebody carrying a stand up
light on the 3 train at 5:30pm? There are a billion people looking to
get home on this miserable sardine box and you find this to be the
ideal time to move furniture? I mean really, it would be one thing
to decide to do this on a letter train but thinking this is a sensible
idea on a numbered train one, is out of your mind insane.
Between having to dodge a thousand strollers and a bunch of idiots
carrying poodles in bags, maybe they figure that the obstacle course
needed a limbo.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Take on the treadmill

If there anything more depressing that running on a treadmill, I've
yet to find it. It is so incredibly boring and monotonous that every
1/10th of a mile feels like a 5K. I've often said that 4 miles on a
treadmill is the equivalent of 6 miles outside because not only is it
miserable, it is actually harder. There is no ebb and flow, there are
no downhills or uphill a, there are no times you have to slow down or
speed up quickly to avoid a bus or a car or a runaway stroller.

Anyway, I got a 5k in, so that in itself is an accomplishment

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Take on GreenTea cake

One of my friends from work surprised me with a cake for my birthday
which was great...except that she is a total foodie. So instead of a
carrot cake or a cupcake she got me some avocado colored green-tea
thing. Not only did this thing look like the aftermath of a You Can't
do that on Television episode and tasted like kissing a chain smoking
Alanis Morrisette

I had to out up a good face because it was a gift but good god this
thing was horrible

Friday, January 16, 2015

Take on 39

I woke up this morning and all of a sudden realized I was a year from
40. I can't say it is a total shock because I vaguely remember 30
and 35 but can't quite remember 37 or 38. 35 might be a blue but 39
totally snuck up on me. It felt like only yesterday when I was 19 and
backpacking through Europe with three buddies without a care in the
world and not an ounce of responsibility. I woke up then with a
backpack, some dirty underwear and a couple of warm beers and my life
in front of me, this morning I woke up with a mortgage, a 401K, a 529,
a disability insurance policy, a life insurance plan, a death
insurance plan, retirement fund, an investment account, an IRA, an
advisor and a minivan

MLIA

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Take on Times Scare

Everyday I walk past this tourist trap on 8th avenue and 42nd Street
called Times Scare. It's billed as a top notch haunted house with 3.5
stars on Yelp and although I can't say I see that many people actually
go in, the impression is that some people (from Iowa probably) like
this place.
I have no desire to review it myself but I'd say that if they really
wanted to scare a bunch of tourists, I suggest they make it less
goblins and skeletons and more realistic. Forget a haunted house in
the traditional sense, they should make this place have more of a NYC
flare. Imagine a haunted house depicting Times Square in the mid
80's. Nothing can be more frighting than a bunch of hobos,
crackheads, pimps, hookers and flashers crammed into a space
previously occupied by a peep-show. Just imagine the bricks that
would be shat when some grandma from Wisconsin gets approached by a
6'5" ex-con with tattoos on his forehead, she tries to avoid him when
a crackhead grabs her by the arm which she pulls away only to fall
into a circle of Kool and the Gang wannabe's with gold chains telling
her they are gonna rob her. She gets up and get knocked back by a
two dollar whore with lines on her pale arms from here to Kansas and
when she turns around to run out an accountant flashes her his dingy

She'll bring those memories with her always.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Take on bad haircuts

There are facts you read online which are surprising and then there
are ones that seem like "ah, I think I knew that" moments. This was
my reaction when I saw that Kim Jong Un cuts his own hair. I was
surprised it was because he is afraid of an assassination by barber
attempt although with this guy nothing really shocks you. What I
wasn't surprised about was that he did it because he has one of the
worst haircuts of any man -Korean or not- I have ever seen. Between
that huge pumpkin size head, that horrible buzz sides, his beady eyes
and that bad tooth smile the guy looks like the monster in Goonies

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Take on the Dan Quinn loophole

The Jets are the definition of disjunction and this season is no
different than any previous one since Joe Willie took them to victory
in Super Bowl III. They have spent the last few weeks getting rid of
their likeable formerly fat coach and their unlikeable never fat
general manager but haven't officially done much else. Although all
the talk is that they will officially hire Mike Maccagnan as their
next GM, the news on the head coaching side have been pretty quite
since the whispers about their desire for Dan Quinn were leaked.
The problem is that Dan Quinn, the defensive coordinator for the
Seahawks, is still coaching and by NFL rules cannot take a job until
after his team has been eliminated. He was able to speak with teams
during his team's bye week but cannot speak again with potential
suitors until the week between the conference championship and the
SuperBowl for teams to give him their 2nd interview

This is all boring crap but what is interesting is that by letter of
the law the Denver Donkeys can't speak with Quinn next week if the
Seahawks advance because, unlike the Jets or 49ers or Falcons, they
did not have a first interview. See the NFL rule books states that
you can only have your second interview in that week but there is no
way the Broncos could have had a first interview because their season
wasn't over yet during the week they could have done so.
This is obviously blatantly unfair and a ridiculous rule but as a Jet
fan, any less competition for the only guy out there who isn't the NFL
equivalent of a the chick who has banged the entire marching band is
welcome news

Monday, January 12, 2015

Take on the upgrade list

I fly 50 legs per year on average and being a Platinum medallion
member on Delta means I have a very good chance on being upgraded on
many of them. A flight from NYC to Chicago, almost always upgraded!!
A flight from Atlanta to Huntsville looks good, too. A short leg into
Fort Wayne is good but there are some flights where an upgrade is as
hard to come by as a second bag of pretzels or another pillow.
Upgrades used to be determined by the gate agent and they had a lot of
latitude in getting their choices moved up but over the last decade
they have gone away with almost all of it. It's all depended on
status, a diamond member gets priority over a platinum, a platinum
over a gold and a gold over a silver. Even within the tiers, the
platinum member who flew 75,200 miles will all behind the platinum
member who flew 98,000.

Here is the list I have come up with of times when your chances of
getting upgraded are worst.

-international flights. Actually this is a Delta rule, they do not
upgrade on any international travel, ever
- cross country flights, especially to Vegas or LA. Get on a flight
to Vegas as a platinum member and you are likely to find yourself in
row 43 by the bathrooms.
- flights leaving on Sunday afternoon or early Monday to/from a major
Delta hub. This is like competing against a Kenyan in a marathon, you
have no shot
-any flight you really want to get upgraded on. Feel hungover, had a
bad night sleep, tight connection?? Get ready to find yourself in a
middle seat in the back next to Tubby and his wife Tubbett


Reasoning is as follows, I figure

The cross country flight is long and people are much more likely to
pay for a business class ticket knowing they will be on a flight for 5
1/2 hours, thus there are no extra seats to get bumped into. A
flight from NY to Detroit is an hour and 20 minutes and even a coach
fare costs a fortune so nobody is going to shell out $2500 to actually
pay for the seat which means you have a great chance to get upgraded
into it.
The flight leaving from a hub on a Sunday or Monday morning is
impossible because those flights are stacked with people who fly more
often than you do and have higher status and thus leapfrog you on the
upgrade line. Because they are flying on Monday morning they are
likely business travelers and when they originate from Detroit or
Minneapolis or Atlanta they likely fly Delta almost exclusively and
thus have accrued a billion miles and status

So my thought is: fly TO the major hubs on a Monday morning and out of
them on a Friday, consider a flexible ticket for the cross country
flight or, at minimum, get economy comfort and go in with no hope for
anything over an ocean

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Take on the travel companion

Air travel sucks...plain and simple. Any part of it that could have
been considered glamorous or fun has been completely washed away
between the lines, delays, TSA agents, roll-aboards, overbooked
flights, fees, liquid limitations, mechanical problems, overweight
people, security lines, bags is peanuts that aren't filled to the top,
customs and the lack of anything to eat that is not a pretzel wrapped
into a cinnabun.
But when you travel through an airport with your fantasy football
trophy, things look a little brighter. People stop and ask you what
you are carrying, women stare, children ask to hold it and every dude
with a pulse fawns over it. Walking with the D-Cup is like bringing
the pope through the airport, lines open up and people start to smile
I cannot quite understand why or how people but I think we've all
become so desensitized to the entire experience, just the thought of
anything different is a relief

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Take on high heels

Mark this 'news' down in the wasn't that obvious column. Yesterday,
Time.com featured a piece based on a study that showed women in high
heels got more attention than women in flats. There has not been a
greater invention in human history than the 4 inch heel heels and I
know there probably didn't need to be a gigantic government funded
study to prove this but we digress. What seemed so obvious is that
although heels are probably ridiculously uncomfortable, any woman
would be crazy to not flaunt them. It's not the extra 3 or 4 inches
but the fact that the heels will accentuate a woman's prime assets.
Standing on her tiptoes forces her ass to sit up higher and her chest
to pop. A woman dressing up should always wear heals, a single chick
going out for brunch should, too. It's a free ass lift and boob job
for a couple of hundred bucks which is money well spent