Sunday, May 3, 2015

Take on the BestBuy Samsung ad

Every time I see the Best Buy ad for the Samsung Experience pop onto my Twitter feed I have the same thought. "Why the hell is that Samsung screen cracked?" I get that they are trying to show off some kind of cool image on their awesome TV size screened phone but from the perspective of my IPhone 6, it looks like they are an ad for one of those mall kiosk places that swap out your screen for $60.

Better give this one another try Samsung and BestBuy.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Take on @GeorgeWPapaJohn

I have nothing against coverage of the effects of lead paint on children but somehow when the article comes from a guy named Papajohn I have a hard time not thinking of this guy (,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/197kx03ccv7xojpg.jpg).
I just can't take a guy seriously who shares a name with a lightweight pizza boy when it comes to anything other than stuffed crust or two for one Tuesdays

Friday, May 1, 2015

Take on the new look

After getting back from Tokyo where I wore a full suit and tie the entire ten days, I decided it was time to take myself a bit more seriously.  Not sure if dressed a bit more formally helped me while I was out there but it certainly didn't hurt my confidence and thought it might translate well to this side of the earth, too..  

Remember I'm the guy who used to show up to work wearing one of those huge puffy Jets jackets stuffed with newspapers, so even showing up with a shirt with no stains on it was a big improvement.   Well I went a step further and for a full week I've shown up wearing a shirt, tie and jacket, obviously it helps that it's spring and the weather is nice so I'm not forced to squeeze it all into my puffy jacket and it hasn't gotten so damned hot where I'm sweating through my tie but for one week it added a little pep in my step... until I spilled a bunch of burrito cheese all over my Donna Karan tie and -once again- I looked like a total schlep. 

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Take on the Shake Shack

I wouldn't stand in line for 5 minutes to meet the Pope, so maybe I'm not the ideal person to ask but what kind of mental patient stands in line for 40 minutes on 8th avenue to get a Shake Shack burger?

I love burgers, absolutely love them and could eat one every day if I allowed myself to do so b ut I wouldn't wait 40 seconds on a line for one let alone 40 minutes.   Today I saw a line which wrapped around the block with a bunch of white dudes dying to spend $14 on a burger.  

Time to realize they are overrated and expensive and just not that good 

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Take on the swollen lip

If I told you a story about how last night after the kids went to sleep, I drove into the city, bought an 8-ball, hit FlashDancers, met a bunch of bikers and told one that Motörhead was overrated, took him down when he swing at me but then had a six foot four black dude bouncer who looked like Zeus kick me in the mouth, would you believe me?

I probably wouldn't either but regardless I walked into work this morning with a big swollen lip. It wasn't because of a good story and wasn't even something as believable as tripping over a Dora tea-set in the middle of the night but instead I busted my lip getting onto the bus
I can't tell you exactly how it happened but I do know as I went to sit down, after getting on the bus at my stop, the driver kind of tapped the brakes. I'd say jammed on them to avoid running over a school of ducks and a school of four year olds but that would be a complete lie. He tapped them to make sure he didn't get himself caught at a weird intersection point, the issue was that I just wasn't aware he was doing it and the sudden change in direction caught me off guard.
When he tapped the brakes, my gigantic head slammed forwards hitting that huge plastic hand bar on the back of the seats like a hammer hitting a nail. I figure that the force my head hit was exponentially harder than the force of the brake kind of like how the end of a baseball bat moves at a much faster pace than the handle does when a batter swings through the zone but forget physics..for the rest of the hour and a half commute I was sucking down blood. Of course this happens to be the day I was wearing a white button down and, being that I am a man I did not have a bunch of tissues in my pocket so there I sat just sucking down on my lip hoping it wouldn't bleed all over my shirt like a chick who lost track of her cycle days


Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Take on the Maserati ad

I have seen enough episodes of MadMen to know that not all marketing campaigns are created equal but when I caught the latest Maserati ad in the paper this morning, I was more than a bit shocked. We are talking about a $80,000 automobile and the ad for Kelly Maserati might as well be an ad for Crazy Eddie. The entire feel of the ad feels cheap and desperate from the "we make it easy" sign that Kelly is holding to the "new inventory" hot link. At any given point I'd expect a pop up window to show up telling me they have no credit financing with no money down.

What kind of New Money are they appealing to exactly?? If I am buying a luxury sports-car, I don't want to feel like I am buying a luxury automobile not a used 94 Honda Civic.

You'd never see Mercedes or Ferrari stoop this low although the big red bow on the Lexus does come close

Monday, April 27, 2015

Take on Madame Tussauds

Walking through Times Square this morning at 9AM, it stuck me that there are way too many people with way too much time on their hands when I saw an endless line of people standing outside of the Madame Tussauds museum.  Maybe there was a. Ew statue revealed or maybe there was a class trip from Nebraska but I cannot come up with anything I'd have less of an interest in than waiting an hour to look at a bunch of wax statutes of celebrities.   Celebrity gawking does almost nothing for me, so maybe I am not the ideal customer but it always shocks me that somebody spends $700 to fly to NYC, spends $350 a night for a hotel and $200 for food and while they are here, in a city that offers you everything, they waste hours on this thing.  Then again these are the same idiots that stand outside of Good Morning America like a bunch of absolute lunatics 

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Take on the Chinese funeral

I hate funerals, I guess everybody does but it is unreal how much I hate them. I always feel like they take way longer than needed, there are way too many formalities and the chances of seeing somebody rise from the grave is slim to none but when I heard about the way they party at a Chinese funeral I was counting the days for a Chinese guy I know to die.
Apparently in rural China they turn the funeral into FDs which is to say it goes from hopelessly depressing to..still sort of helplessly depressing but at least instead of staring at some dude who looks like a porcelain doll you get to look at a chick built like Barbi, or in China a girl built like Annabelle Chong and I'm ok with that

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Take on the Michael Bastian Uniqlo polos

A buddy just sent me the following email about some Michael Bastian Uniqlo polos

I bought a bunch of these last year, and I just broke them out of the closet again.  I'm a few lbs thinner and they really fit great.  I had forgotten how awesome these shirts were.  I'll likely pick up a bunch more this summer.  So cheap, look great, can be worn super casual with shorts and flip flops, or with jeans, or dressed up with slacks and shoes.

This was the same guy who recommended I get a bunch of Charles Tyrwhitt fitted button-downs which was the best purchase I have made in years, so immediately clicked the link and took the old MasterCard out if it's holster.  

Jesus was I shocked.   Being that it is the 100th anniversary of the Armenian genocides I will try to keep this clean but...Michael Bastian these are the ugliest things I have ever seen.  Every one of the 42 choices look worse than the next and accelerate in ugliness as I scroll down.  I don't know what kind of business casual event you could wear these things to except if your office has a pajama Friday option and even then you would stand out as having the ugliest pajama. I remember when ugly Hawaiian shirts were all the rage but at least those were sort of funny, this looks like somebody yacked all over your brand new shirt, then spilled wine on it and then used it to mop up the floor but it was your only polo so you decided to just go with it. 

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, April 24, 2015

Take on the Korean delicacy

Only in Korea do you drive down a busy street end see a brand new restaurant called Dog & Pig. There are no other civilized counties in the world that would are eat dog but the Koreans don't just indulge in the finest delicacies on the black market, they advertise it in the name of the restaurant. I have eaten a ton of weird things in my life but have to say that 99 out of a 100 have been in Asia. The one that wasn't was probably when I had goose liver in France in a restaurant filled with live geese

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Take on the Michael Brown lawsuit

Saw a tweet today that that the family of Michael Brown was suing the city of Ferguson and I had to look four times to make sure I read it right. The fact the family was suing wasn't surprising, what was surprising was that they were seeking for $75,000 in damages. Forget what you think of the case, I have to think that the price of a life is worth more than the cost of a Range Rover. I'm not saying a family should go gold digging but $75k is laughable

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Take on the Tokyo subway

There are a couple of obvious differences when you get into a subway in Tokyo vs. a subway in NYC.  For one there is no stench of urine or decaying human hanging in the air, the platform is clean, there aren't any poodle size rats running around and the entire experience is actually pleasant.  

The second thing is that unlike NYC where every ahole rushes to the front and jams themselves into the car even before people have had a chance to get off, in Japan the entire experience is civilized.  There are lines of people getting on and those lines do not move until all the people have gotten off.   

The other thing is that people wear masks everywhere, I thought it might be because of fish-breath or trying to avoid sickness but it is actually much more altruistic. They do it when they are sick because they do not want to get you sick.  

The last thing is that people put their bags, hats, umbrellas and jackets on the top baggage holder thing.  In NYC we don't have those things probably because it would just become a  place for homeless people to hide their shit but also because you never leave anything out of sight in NY but in Japan people don't steal your shit

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Take on the wrong side of the street

One issue you have when you step off the train in Tokyo is that it's completely obvious you are a tourist and it has nothing to do with your pasty white skin.    What I had not realized was that in Japan they drive on the other side of the street which when sitting shotgun is really awkward as the entire time you search for your gas pedal and steering wheel.  
But when it becomes really weird is when you walk down a busy street in Shibuja or another bustling part of the city.  I never quite realized this but we naturally walk down the right side of the sidewalk but in Japan they walk on the left side of the sidewalk which means that the entire time you feel like a salmon swimming upstream. You try to correct yourself but it feels like you are beating off with your other hand 

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, April 20, 2015

Take on the foot massage

After walking around Tokyo all day and then running 6 miles, my dogs were barking. I walk into hotel spa and ask immediately to fill out some questionnaire.

The questions include

-Do you have high blood pressure -No

-Do you have gout- No

-Do you have athletes foot- well maybe

-Are you pregnant- Not as far as I know

But by far the most interesting question was

-Do you have sickness of the brain

I answered honestly.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Take on raw fish

videoI love sushi, sashimi and tartar but when you get a fish delivered on your plate that is flopping around like a European basketball player, it's a bit freaky.

The Japanese do just about everything right but serving you a flipping flopping fish is a bit much when you are trying to enjoy a meal. You are chewing down on a piece of yellow fin belly while the yellow fin head stares you down kind of helps you lose your appetite

But four days in Tokyo have brought me a new appreciation for food...even the type that is still alive as you eat it.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Take on the seat heater

Every time you take a dump in Japan you plop your ass down and it feels like somebody has taken a blowtorch to your ass. I get the idea behind a seat heater for a car when it is 10 degrees outside but cannot quite understand why they use the technology for a toilet in Asia. I like to be comfortable but I am sure this is excessive for anybody.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Take on the pre-hangover cure

The Japanese have an answer for everything. They have first rate innovation in cars, electronics, LEDs and elbow injury without surgery. You can get anything you need in, drinks, gadgets, weird graphic comic porn..shoot you can even get a pair of used panties in a vending machine, it is really the land of the free
But forget all that innovation, the one that intrigues me most is this box of Yakult Gaba juice I just put down. It tastes like ginseng mixed with milk and then rinsed through a Japanese businessman's work socks, but that's acceptable if it does what it promises to do.
I was told today that if I drank this bottle of Godzilla piss it would avoid a hangover tomorrow morning which is a very enticing concept

Will report back tomorrow morning

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Take on the new iOS 8.3

As I landed in Asia, I got four notifications on my phone. One was that they needed me to download some app for better WiFi, another was an SMS about data roaming, a third was something about a toll free number and fourth was the new iOS update. I was afraid to download it as I'd hate to brick my phone while I am away for 10 days on the other side of the world

I did look quickly at what the new iOS offered and it looks like a couple of new Emoji's which is about as interesting to me as eating dog which by the way was on the table last night

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Take on Korean coffee shop games

Whenever I travel to Korea I kill time as I wait around for my next meeting playing a game called: Old Grandmother or Kim Jong Il.

There is nothing more ridiculous than the way a Korean woman ages, she goes from drop dead gorgeous to looking like 1975 fat old Elvis in 6 months. They all have these weird purple perms, wear Pauly Walnuts sweatsuits and have the latest pair of Jordan's on their feet. Every one of them either wear a visor the size of the awning of a restaurant in the village or the biggest sunglasses you can think of. And they all look like Kin Jong Il

You tell me, who is in the above photo??

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Take on the Korean gym

Three things are abundantly clear whenever you walk into a Korean gym.

- Running in China is horrible because the air is as thick as a curtain with pollution, in Korea working out has it's own challenge cause the gym just reeks of the remnants of a hard night. The entire place smells like fermented cabbage mixed with vast amounts of soju. .

- everybody is dressed alike, as you walk in they give you a uniform which as a 6'2" white dude means that I look like John Stockton

- there are all these old Korean men who use these weird machines with these vibrating bands. It's like half massage chair, half the John Turturro bowling ball scene in Lebowski and these old Korean dudes all line up to use this thing like it is pissing out money as they let their flabby bodies get shaken and stirred like a milkshake