Monday, August 31, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
You know what, I am actually rooting for him to get concussed so he can be forced to stay home and recover with Ciara...after they have tied the knot of course
Thursday, August 27, 2015
I am not sure what to do to avoid a high profile televised murder like this but I doubt giving the thing front page sensational coverage is going to help. I don't pretend to believe that the news should not cover shootings especially ones that captivates a country but to let this dude go down in infamy exactly how he hoped to be remembered in the most grotesque method possible is just awful
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
So take your ultra competitive double blind, auction, points per reception, best ball big money league and shove it up your five home. As I have gotten older, the less cool the idea is. Now don't get me wrong, a big trade in my keeper league will still get my juice boiling but the thought of doing hours of prep like I did years ago in anticipation for the rookie draft makes me want to vomit. I try to read a couple of articles, check out a few YouTube highlights and look at some expert rankings but overall I can't think of many things I'd less want to do than try to figure out how Gurley is going to be used or whether Duke Johnson can beat out the bums ahead of him and if so, why it would matter.
I will be excited Friday night but probably won't let it preoccupy me leading up to it that day and certainly think that by the time my head hits the pillow I'll be thinking of something else
Long live the SHFFL
Monday, August 24, 2015
Apparently they weren't made well but when I saw that 51,000 pairs of Madewell sandals were recalled I assumed it was just because they ugly. I am not sure how many times we must go over this but these things are an example why the terrorist have won and Donald Trump may soon, too. No woman in her right mind should be caught dead wearing these bits, unless she is herself Cleopatra or she is homeless because Madewell sandals are as attractive in a chick as one of those skin toned bulky brasiers.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Another lame Saturday, another lame Yankee pre game ceremony. This time they retired Jorge Posada's number, the last of the "core four" although he didn't have that much to do with the 96 team. Anyway, they decided that they needed to retire him number which now means he joins legends Mantle, Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio along with such non Yankee legends as Billy "a few too many" Martin, Andy "PED" Pettitte and Reggie "only played five years as a Yankee" Jackson. Even Bernie, Donnie and Guidry are not all time Yankees and they have retired about five managers, a bat boy, the clubhouse attendant and the lead groundskeeper for his rendition of YMCA.
I'm sure ARod and Texiera and Brett Gardner days await us soon. I'm still waiting for them to finally retire #19, a true legend who was invaluable to the success of the Yanks of my youth should be hung up there too..yes I mean Yankee great Luis Sojo
This team sucks
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Saturday, August 22, 2015
But in China their rating scale is even more ominous, the B grade has a corresponding face that looks like the little figure is going to have a rough night on the can, C looks like he is going to die and A looks like he just got a hand job, which they might actually give out in this particular restaurant.
Friday, August 21, 2015
I stood on a line today which literally took 40 minutes to get through and this is typical. See in China there is no push for efficiency, in a country where everybody works, nobody rushes. We went from Beijing to Shanghai today and instead of flying, we took a train. Now it was a high speed train routinely doing 300km/hour but when two cities are 1200 kilometers apart and you make multiple stops that train ride takes 6+ hours. Most of the time you'd say that getting to and getting from an airport would add time but it wasn't like the train station was anywhere near my hotel anyway, it took an hour by cab. Then my hotel in Shanghai was another 45 minute subway ride away. So the entire day started at 7:30am and will conclude at nearly 5pm. I'd have to think any flight combo would have been vastly faster. But I asked why we didn't fly and was only stared at like I had two heads. The reason is that the train is $80 and the flight $200, the $120 extra is not worth he extra 5 hours of my life apparently
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
I am not sure who would eat this willingly but I just throw some on my plate and shovel it into my napkin which I empty into my Chinese business associates bag. He'll probably be happy when he finds it in a week
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
There was an English study done (https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/perceptions-of-perfection/)
using photoshop to find the ideal woman based on body type, hair style, BMI, height, weight and curves to determine how the world sees difference in perfection. The results were striking and proved again how the U.S. leads he world in just about everything. The ideal Spanish chick was 5'2 and 250 pounds and looked like she was smuggling a sombrero in her shorts while the ideal Chinese chick was 5'2" 92 pounds with the body of a 12 year old boy. The U.S. On the other hand nailed this thing with just enough oomph where it counts while not having any extra where it makes it look like I'm looking in a mirror at myself.
The U.S. version comes in at 9.1 stones (not sure what the hell that means) but looks like there is enough cushion for the pushin without feeling like you are propped up with one of those husband pillows.
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Monday, August 17, 2015
It is not just me, Every person walking around looks weathered, like they oiled up their face, threw a baseball into it, wrapped it with a rubber band and then stuck it under the couch cushion. A five year old looks like they are six, a 14 year old looks 20, a 30 year old looks 40 and a 49 year old is dead
The life expectancy here can't be much above 60, with the smog, congestion, pollution, rice bowl haircuts, green bile, purple rivers, three eyes fish and the four packs of unfiltered cancer sticks they all smoke. But the worst thing is that air, because it is as thick as a piece of pork fat and about as appealing to bite into
Only five days to go
Sunday, August 16, 2015
I have a friend who travels more than anybody I know. He has easily been to Europe 300 times, to Japan 60 times, to Korea 20 times, to China 20 times, to Africa 20 times, to India 25 times and around the country hundreds more. He has hit the million miler point on multiple airlines and it's not uncommon for him to fly back and forth to India, come home for the weekend and then fly back and forth to South Africa on Monday, like he is doing the next few weeks
I've grilled him on the ways of travel, how to get enough sleep, how to avoid getting sick, how to overcome jet-lag and how to do it all without going nuts and in all the advice he has bestowed there is one piece I subscribe to unequivocally: when you get into the plane for a long haul, the first thing you do is get out of your jeans and get into your pajamas. I used to think this was ludicrous but now I realize the thought of 14 hours of swamp ass in denim is no way to fly. Pajama pants are key, especially ones with pockets to keep a few valuables in case you need to take a leak
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Saturday, August 15, 2015
What is most distressing as I am about to board a flight to Shanghai is that you know that once I am there, I will have no ability to get information which you could believe to be completely accurate and reliable.
We'll do our best to report our findings when we get on the ground but I am planning to fill up on food at the lounge before we take off
Friday, August 14, 2015
Anyway, my yard was soaked, my street was a pool and El Niño himself was smoking a cigarette in my bed.
I just hope for Georgia that he manscaped
Thursday, August 13, 2015
It was 1999, I just bought a 1991 Jeep Wrangler in stick with 100,000 miles on it for $6500 and was told the thing would run for 200,000. It was forest green, had a soft top and I could kick it into four wheel drive with a manual pull stick and it was awesome, sort of
The weekend I got the Jeep coincided with the the first time I was dating a chick since I was in high school. This was an accomplishment in itself but most people were impressed because unlike the other chicks I'd mess around with at that time, this one didn't outweigh me by 30 pounds which is quite a feat when you consider that I was clocking it at 245. We are dating for a few weeks and we decide to hit the beach with a few friends, two other couples jump into my buddy's Passat and this girl and I jump into the Jeep. It's the summer of 2000 I don't have a care in the world and am flying high hoping to get a piece of ass for the first time in a decade. I get the car filled up with 87 unleaded, I got my CD carrousel packed with all the greatest classic rock hits, I got printed directions off of MapQuest and had stopped at 7/11 for a Big Gulp. I have a towel and a bathing suit and had spent an hour getting the stupid soft top off the Jeep before picking her up but the world was great.
I got the Stones blasting as we hit the highway and right away I realize that we have a problem, I can't hear a thing she says. The wind is blowing like I'm in a wind tunnel, her hair is smacking her in the face and the smell of the Turnpike is unbearable. We can't hear Jagger, we can't hear each other, we can't hear anything other than the sound of 60 mile per hour winds. But it is a beautiful day and we are an hour out..until we hit the Parkway. It is summer in New Jersey which means the parkway is a parking lot and with the top down and it being 1000 degrees out, the sun is burning a hole into my skin, we're sitting in bumper to bumper traffic and burning to a crisp but this close to getting some tail, I am way too scared to look like a pussy and pull over to get the top back up.
It is 12:30 by the time we pull into the parking lot and now I got to put he top back up because we're in one of those crap shore towns and I'm afraid that some frat boy is going to piss in my car, so there I am, sweating like only a 245 pound hog does, trying to pull that stupid soft tarp back over the top. It is easily taking me 25 minutes, my buddies are all at the beach throwing the football around and drinking Coors Lite and I am standing there hot, sun burned and frustrated with my new girlfriend looking at me like I am a complete imbecile
A half hour later we stroll into the beach, I step of a sea shell, I realize I forgot my wallet in the jeep, I burn even more and after going in the ocean I realize that I brought a stained towel.
We hang or for a few hours, not of the time with me hunched over trying to capture any hope of shade I can and by date looking on concerned thinking I probably have a heat stroke
Finally, We head back to the car, she asks if we should take the top down again which I think to mean is what she wants to do. 20 minutes of work later we sit back in the same crap traffic except now I am wearing a wet bathing suit and I can feel the pimples growing on my ass and we head back home in the same miserable sun with no cover and no chance to have a conversation.