Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Take on Rene Zellweger's face

All the talk the last few days is Rene Zellweger's face which went
from looking like it was stung by a thousand bees to looking like a
Meredith Vieira clone. I get that people want to improve their look
but somehow the Botox thing is one that never quite looks right. One
day you look like Joan Crawford and the next you look like Joan
Rivers.
But it's particularly sad when it happens to somebody like Zellweger
because only a few years ago she was primed to become America's
sweetheart when she made at least two grown men cry during Jerry
Maguire with her little chubby face and now she looks like Cher whose
clone has made at least one man cry in his Coorslite

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Take on red

Years ago I was out to dinner and a friend of one of the people I was
hanging out with was going to meet us for a drink before they went out
dancing. I was already approaching old-fart territory, so I wasn't
going to join them (nor was I asked to)

I knew the two were going out because the one chick was having issues
with her boyfriend and she needed a night out to clear her mind and
blow off some steam. I didn't think much of it when she showed up but
every chick at the table commented on her red shirt. It wasn't
anything all that out of the ordinary, not lower cut or more revealing
than anything but when one said "see you decided to wear red" the
other one giggled

It took some prodding but apparently girls looking to hook up will
consciously wear red and all chicks around her know this. It's some
kind of magic sign that they are all aware of and if two chicks show
up in red it could mean fireworks (of a three-way). Maybe this is the
equivalent if a dog peeing on a lawn but this would have been very
good information to have been privy to when I was single

Monday, October 20, 2014

Take on the 59 degree Polar Vortex

Is there anything more ridiculous than the way people dress when the
temperature drops below 60 for the first time in the fall? As
@ordiomongo pointed out so eloquently, people acted like the city is
going through a polar vortex this morning. I get not wanting to die
of frostbite but the different between 61 and 59 is only two degrees
but apparently also the difference between rational thought and
thinking you are living in an igloo
What annoys me most about this is that you sit on a bus next to a guy
wearing one of those Stay Puft sub-zero, artic edge puffy jacket which
means that they have made the conscious decision to invade my entire
personal space

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Take on the immunity boost

When you write a daily complain blog, you sometimes have to find a way
to see the brighter side of things. Sometimes it's the fact that
seven people actually read your rants (hello CF, CN, OM, DB, SS, JM
and RL), other times it actually let's you serve as a public
announcement for the betterment of the world (uggs in the summer) but
mostly it allows you to find a place to get out your anger and I read
recently that this act alone can help you live longer. Supposedly
by releasing energy you can get a boost of energy like a bottle of
five-hour energy without the whiskey-dick, which boosts health and
increases immunity.
Who knows, maybe they'll find the only people able to fight off Ebola
are the ones who complain the most

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Take on the Uggs

Is there a worse look than some broad walking around in 79 degree
weather wearing a dress with uggs? Uggs are an awful look in winter
but during an Indian Summer with pale legs it's atrocious. If you
want to wear boots, go leather knee-highs, otherwise put on some 3
inch heels and be done with it

Friday, October 17, 2014

Take on Ebola

Ebola is no joking matter but when I talk with people about what
should be done, some of the suggestions are comical. Close the
borders, quarantine loads of people and burn planes to the ground are
all suggestions I've heard this week. I get that getting Ebola under
control is important but I am not sure that Obama's call on an Ebola
Czar is going to go any better than the president's Drug Czar or the
Teenage Sex Czar. These Czar's always seem to get a lot of press
and then fizzle out when it turns our they are just two-bit
politicians looking for exposure.
Closing the boarders to anybody who has been to Africa seems a bit
extreme and considering how well closing boarders works in Mexico, I
am not sure how effective it will even be. Quarantining people makes
sense when they are infected but suggestions of quarantining entire
flights seems a bit excessive and burning down planes is probably a
good idea if for no other reason than some of those 737's are really
dingy looking.

Here is an idea, why don't we lock anybody with Ebola up inside the
congressional hall along with all members of congress, we'll keep the
disease confined amongst victims and play a little game of Darwin with
some of the worst people in America at the same time

Anyway, showing up at the airport with a homemade Ebola outfit is
going to lead to some ridicule but if that's the only way you see
yourself making it to Disney World, more power to you

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Take on Sammy Sosa's bleached face

Back in 1998 when the world was captivated by the McGwire and Sammy
Sosa as they chased Roger Maris' home run record*, both guys had their
faces plastered everywhere. McGwire looked like a juiced up James
Hetfield while Sammy looked like a Macy's day parade balloon of fat
kid in Little Rascals. The entire season felt magical and for a brief
second you thought that baseball didn't suck

Fast forward 16 years and after the congressional hearings,
investigations, HOF snubs and shrinking ball-sacks, neither player has
any of the luster he had back when chicks dug the long ball, McGwire's
slowly rebuilding his reputation within baseball as a ball boy or
bullpen catcher or something but Sosa's stayed out of the limelight.
I figured he's gone into hiding in the Dominican Republic which might
make sense since, as far as Congress knows, he doesn't speak any
English but now it's come out that he might have been hiding in plain
sight, you just don't recognize him anymore because he's pulled a
Michael Jackson and apparently bleaching his face to look more like
BigMac who always looked like he was doused in acid

Anyway, he sucks, McGwire sucks and baseball sucks. The only that
doesn't suck is George Brett who is great

$10 says Sam Sosa played hide the bat with BigMac that year..

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Take on Kim Jong Un

Is there a more despicable looking human than the fat toad running
North Korea?? This guy rules over a third world country, constantly
devaluating the currency to prop up a huge military machine all while
his people starve and his infrastructure crumbles....plus he made all
Koreans get a mandatory terrible haircut which is even more insulting
to common decency
But really what bothers me is that he has somehow gotten fatter and
uglier as he's taken over and consolidated power. Maybe living the
good life of whiskey, porn and Kimchee has gotten the better of him
but between his rice bowl haircut, mental patient reverse hand clap
thing and his gigantic second chin, you'd almost forget that he's
allegedly hung like a peanut. But if that isn't bad, this Korean
marshmallow looks like he has put on 50 pounds since taking over for
his daddy a few years ago. Sometimes weight is good but in this case
it's the total opposite he filled out his Korean layer of blubber to
look like a walking manatee.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Take on the sperm bank mixup

Not sure if you have been following the story of the two women suing
their sperm bank when their daughter was born a slightly darker shade
than they ordered online because everybody knows ordering a baby
should be treated the same was as ordering a new pair of boots
Supposedly there was a mix-up with the tech handing them a vial of the
chocolate 330 vial instead of the vanilla 380 vial and nine months
later everybody was asking the one lesbian mom if she had an affair
with Patrick Ewing.

I get that you don't get what paid for but after your daughter is born
and she is adorable, maybe you just thank the good lord for a healthy
kid and stop all this bullcrap public lawyering up.

One of the major arguments they have is that in their racist town, a
mixed baby will be discriminated against. If you were so worried
about your town being racist, I'd have to think the townsfolk are
probably not huge fans of homosexuals either, maybe it's time to move.

So, Jennifer Cramblett and Amanda Zinkon, how much compensation do you
need to make dragging your two year old daughter through this? What's
fair for having her picture now plastered all over the news and
everybody knowing that she isn't white enough for you?



Sent from my iPhone

Monday, October 13, 2014

Take on Antrel Rolle

After the Giants were undressed by the Eagles last night, Antrel Rolle
thought it was time to take the attention off of the Giants anemic
offense and offended anybody with tasted by donning a pink tuxedo
jacket during his post-game press conference....a pink tuxedo jacket.
It's not just that it was pink, it had this terrible shimmer to it
which made him look like a black Ken doll.
I get the entire "real men wear pink" thing but to borrow a line from
Cris Carter.. "come on man". You are not going to the Emmy's, it's
12:30 and Bruce Beck is asking you about Cover-2. This look is bad
when you win but coming out of a loss to your arch rivals, Giant fans
want you humbled after all the trash talking they heard all week not
looking like you are about to go to Junior Prom

Plus, a three hour bus ride back wearing that thing can't be comfortable

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Take on the security protocol

My building has had the same doorman for decades but at some point
they decided that the doormen needed more responsibility so they added
Fire Marshall and security duties to go along with the arduous task of
asking people to sign their names in some ridiculous book while not
checking whether the guy with the backpack overflowing with wires is
actually named Mickey Mouse. That all changed a decade ago and now
we have fancy magnetic cards that allow us to get through security
with a beep scan although there isn't actually a gate we're walking
through. The beep seems to be as effective as the "close door" button
in the elevator.
Well the beauty of a small building is when the dude needs to take a
leak, the entire security protocol goes out the window. Instead of a
screaming Frenchmen, there is now a small sign which states that the
security officer will return shortly. No problem criminals,
terrorist, sex offenders, drunks and crazy ex-girlfriends, come on
in..the coast is clear.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Take on the waterless urinal

I'm not sure exactly how these things work but the concept of a flush
less urinal has to be one of the most disgusting things out there. I
am all for conserving water and I don't especially want to throw
gallons of water down a drain after some dude is six BudLite's deep
cause he is basically pouring water down the urinal himself but at a
family style Italian restaurant, I think a little water goes a long
way

Friday, October 10, 2014

take on the snapchat hack

There are things that you should be surprised about in this world and then there is Snapchat getting breached.   I can't say I've ever used Snapchat to send a picture of my d!ck to anybody but if I ever did I don't think I'd do so thinking it was completely secure.    Big tech companies keep data, they have massive storage facilities powered by windfarms and solar panels and a billion mice running on spin-wheels to keep your personal information on file.  

Of course when I heard that there were hundreds of thousands of Snapchat pictures leaked, my first instinct was to go and find them until I read that half of Snapchat's users are young teenagers and we all know young teenagers do stupid sh!t and don't think about the bigger picture which probably means that I'd have to immediately burn my computer to the ground after viewing thepictures.


For that reason, I'll wait until this weekend when I'm at my goatee having, cell-phone belt clip wearing, big domed hat wearing buddy's house and sneak upstairs under the pretense of having had some bad sushi and report back..

 

 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Take on the docks

A/ if the entire experience wasn't shitty enough, a friend send me a
report this week that somebody has been smearing shit all over a bunch
of Citibikes. I am sure that it is somebody who was just annoyed
about the fact that his key thing didn't work, half the docks were
broken again or there were no working bikes but to decide to pick the
crap out of your own ass (or worse yet somebody else's ass) and put it
all on top of a bike is beyond nuts. Somebody suggested that it
might have been somebody jealous of the wonders that these shared
bikes are but I seriously doubt it

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

take on the female vaginal orgasm

just saw a report that much like some hot chick actually having unprotected sex with a random British cabdriver, the female vaginal orgasm is a figment of porn's imagination..

basically, a female can't orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, she needs a bag full of toys to go if she has any hope that her Irish boyfriend can get her off..

the article states

The authors also said that most women don't orgasm during intercourse, and that women who think they have a problem in the bedroom because they can't orgasm vaginally are not dysfunctional -- because the vaginal orgasm doesn't exist.

This is the best/worst news I've ever read because maybe all the women I've left unsatisfied shouldn't have been all that pissed.  Then again the bad news is that with other dudes maybe they faked it because they didn't want to hurt their pride and they didn't care enough to protect my fragile ego

Anyway, I'm too old, too tired and too married to go and try to prove whether or not this study is right or  wrong, so I'll just assume this study to be gospel unless we can get a few readers who are willing to be willing to take part of a big TOR experiment with other TOR readers... I know of at least one dude more than willing to volunteer his services.. . 



Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Take on Fantasy Football Sabermetrics

The worst decision you can make playing fantasy football is watching the games..   Eyes tell you that Jerry Porter was supposed to be the next TO, advanced statistics told you he was the next OT.. Forget that he looked good on the field, the fact that he never actually put up any stats is what counted..   

take that a step further and your record might show you that you are 4-1 but when you are putting up 66 points and beating a team that basically forgot to start a tight end, you might not be as good as you think.   Then again, who cares how you win as long as you do... but to have sustained success you can't remain lucky, you need something else, and that is different for everybody..

But I have to say that the less football I've watched, the better at Fantasy Football I've gotten because at the end of the day, I'm no better at deciding whether a WR runs a clean route or gets a good release as a chimp might.   What I've decided to do a few years ago is pour meticulously over the stats, game scripts, targets, trends, quarterback situations, defenses played etc.  Basically I decided to take only the tangible statistics to mean anything and took all the intangibles to mean nothing.    You might miss on a few guys but honestly in the long run you'll hit more by not letting your eyes trick you into seeing something that is or isn't there..

Monday, October 6, 2014

Take on the conclusion

She closed her eyes and threw the door open expecting the worst. She
opened them and her first impression was that the room felt empty,
nothing looked out of place, no clothes were tossed around the room
and there was no smell of sweat in the air

She scanned quickly and saw no sign of anything except for the body
laying in the bed which jumped up like a shot

"Honey, what are you doing here?"

"I should ask you the same thing...where is she?"

"What?"

"Where is she, I want to see the reason you threw it all away"

"What???"

"Tell me the truth..where is she..I see the receipts, I am sick of the lies"

"There is no 'she'.. I am exhausted and have been coming to the hotel
to catch two hours of sleep a few days per month. All the sleeping on
the floor in the girls room when they have nightmares, or colds or
need water is terrible"

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Take on that little green Starbucks stick

I look down in my car and it is littered with these little green
stopper stirrers from Starbucks. For a company that claims to have
environmentally conscious bean growth, offers reusable cups and
generally is seen as trying to limit them carbon footprint, these
little relics of plastic are a sign that they aren't there.
I really don't know the purposes for them as presently constructed,
they are not long enough to actually stir anything, so by inserting
them you are basically just allowing scolding hot liquid to slowly eat
away the plastic. I'd recommend they go to an option of only the
little nub to keep the 150 degree coffee from burning a hole in my
crotch but that's it

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Take on his mystery

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

She started noticing that he seemed distant, preoccupied, somehow disconnected from her and the kids weeks earlier but now it slapped her in the face like a bucket of ice water.   Maybe it was a midlife crisis although he hasn't bought a sports car, some fancy electronics or as much as gotten a new haircut in ages.  She feared that he was moving away and didn't know quiet how to reel him back in.  Her mother said that it might be a seven year itch and suggested she get her hair highlighted like she used to do but somehow that wasn't in the cards.  It all just seemed to run on it's own and she probably wouldn't have confronted him until she happened  to stumbled on their American Express statement.  She hadn't looked at one in some time as he always insisted on paying them but when she did look, she was stunned to see them.  Week after week, the same charge came up 

Wednesday the 13th at 1pm. $199 at the midtown Marriott Marquis
Wednesday the 20th at 12:45pm at the same Marriot Marquis
Wednesday the 27th at 20pm at the Marriot Marquis
etc etc

Same hotel, middle of the afternoon every Wedneaday.  She racked her brain and started recalling all the times she called his office and was told he was in a meeting with clients, how many midday meetings does anybody have, even one who makes his living in sales??
There she was, with three kids having to decide if this was it. She was sure that if would be, she was too proud a woman to have somebody do this to her and just accept it.  She was going to be strong and march in and demand the truth and then would send him packing but she knew he was too smart to admit anything, and not wanting to drag this out while becoming a pity case, she decided that the best thing would be to catch him in the act. 
The next Wednesday after her had gotten on his bus in the morning after having gotten the girls dressed, she got dressed herself in her most inconspicuous outfit and topped it off with the oversized Jackie O glasses.   She dropped the two older girls off at their schools even if she usually insisted on keeping the middle one home whenever possible and headed into the city with the baby in tow.     Traffic was brisk and she was standing in midtown before 10:30 giving herself a chance to revel in the city she had called home for years before he had dragged her to the suburbs kicking and screaming.  How dare he take all she loved away from her and then leave her to hold down the fort which he galavanted around the fancy city.   She got herself a large caffeinated beverage, staked out a seat in front of the potted plants in the lobby and tried to entertain her baby while simultaneously staking out the scene.    She stared down every woman that walked through the lobby, looking them up and down and sizing them up.   She was convinced that he probably chose an Asian one, he'd always had some weird fetish for them, so she took particular interest in any one of them that walked through.   She fed the baby, walked around the lobby a bit and counted the minutes.   The AmericanExpress bill had been very specific with the charges always happening around 1pm, so it could happened any time.  She looked down at her watch, it hadn't changed in what seemed like hours and as she coo-ed with the baby she caught a glimpse of him.   Still wearing the grey pants and blue shirt he had left the house with a few hours ago, he strolled through the lobby and walked right up to reception.  He made small talk with the young girl working the desk and checked his IPhone while she ran his card.   The girl at the desk pointed towards the elevators and he walked over to them
The moment of truth was almost there and for the first time all day, she had cold feet.  Did she really want to go up there and find him, why did it matter, she didn't need that kind of proof...she already had the receipts.  
But she figured that she'd come all that way and truthfully wanted to see the woman who he just threw his family away for.    She followed him to the elevator, he had his head buried in his IPhone -always the stupid IPhone- so didn't notice the woman or their baby as the doors closed. He was the only one on the elevator and from the little LED elevator screen it made only one  stop, on the 24th floor. 

She waited around the elevator to see what kind of woman would be the first to go up there but after 30 minutes of nothing obvious decided she must have missed her going up.   It was almost 2 and the girls would be out of school in an hour, so it was now or never.  The baby was fussy but it was time. 

She walked upto the receptionist and said explained that her husband had checked in but she had lost the room key.  The receptionist gave her the typical line of "security" and "9/11" and her not being on the reservation etc.   The baby was really crying now, and she did her best to sooth her while coming up with a thousand stories to get that key.   She didn't have anything and just started sobbing, maybe it was a woman's solidarity, maybe it was the crazy story she had told or maybe it was the baby screaming at the top of her lungs but after a few seconds the receptionist said she just needed to see an ID.  She showed her NJ drivers license and was handed a key for room 24F, she hurried up the elevator pushing the stroller like it was a roller derby and pressed 24

The floors flew by on the screen. 2-3-4...6-7...14-15...20-21-22-23 and finally 24

She marched to the door marked F and took a deep breath.  She though about knocking but this would only give him warning, so decided that she would just unlock the door and confront the lying cheating bastard right then and there with a crying baby under her arm

She swallowed hard, stuck the key in the card holder and opened the door.....


To be continued 







Sent from my iPhone

Friday, October 3, 2014

Take on the IPhone battery

There are two reasons I hear people want the new IPhone and it has
nothing to do with the better camera, the new iOS or the likelihood of
having your pictures hacked. Most people I know want the new IPhone
because of two reasons

- the battery life is so horrendous that you are basically tethered to
wall at all times
- if they have kids then they are completely out of memory and if they
want to take a picture of their kid wearing their mother's bra or
jumping off a bed, they have to delete an app.

I'd recommend going with the 128gig phone even it it costs you the
equivalent of an entire Latin American country's GDP because you know
they are never going to fix the first problem.