Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Take on Mike Flynn Jr.

Mike Flynn Jr had a hot take today which was burning at such intensity that I almost threw my iPhone into a puddle. Little Mike wants to impeach Obama which is great if you sit on the board of Netflix or something. Although maybe this is Mike's attempt to get onto Trump's good side as he knows a prosecution is headed his way.

But I'm not sure if Jr. has any idea what is going on right now but his old man is looked down the barrel of the Mueller pistol and Beretta Bob just disengaged the safety

Lock him up

Monday, May 21, 2018

Take on the typo President

People often said Obama was out of touch as he was too cerebral, that he came across as a professor as if being smart was something to look down upon.
Today a report came out that Trump aides put typos and random capitalization into his tweets to make him appear more recognizable to his base. In other words, they dumb down the dumbest President so his dumb audience can't figure out it's not him.
But really I don't believe this, they are floating this out there to give off the impression that the typos are by design and that he isn't actually a moron but I'm not buying it. Trump is as dumb as it gets and his core audience adores him not in-spite of it but because they don't even realize it.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Take on the president’s DOJ demands

When you have a President so miserably guilty of obstruction that he has open contempt for his own justice department you just know there isn't a real future which doesn't involve them going head to head.

Trump demands that the DOJ look into whether they themselves infiltrated the Trump campaign when that only shines the light on just how guilty his campaign actually was. The FBI isn't going to investigate something they don't think has legs and when your campaign includes people like Trump, Gorka, Page, Manafort, Little Don, Flynn and Erik Prince and you realize that finding a criminal amongst this crew is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Take on the Royal wedding

I saw a poll last week which indicated that neither Brits or Americans were all that interested in the Royal Wedding but it was all anybody spoke about yesterday. Maybe it was that we all do love the idea of a princess getting married or it was a much needed reprieve from school shootings, school bus crashes and the prospects of Turner and Mooch We caught about twenty minutes of it. Here is our quick take from earlier today

- it would have been nice had they out this thing on at a reasonable hour. 7am on a Saturday?!? Get this puppy into a US prime-time slot or at least at noon.

- the preacher was interesting but Jesus, what the hell was he talking about ten minutes into it a bit the Fire?!?

-where the hell did they duck our for twenty minutes. Confessing a laundry list of sins?

- people say that Meghan Markle's dress was understated..do you realize it had a fifty foot train?? Although ballsy to go white

- a bunch of people wondered whether two random royals would wear ridiculous hats, Princess Beatrice and the other one. I have no idea but both could stand to lose ten stone and it would be nice if maybe one of them could smile

-apparently Harry's ex showed up, not sure how that is ever a good idea. Not on Royal Wedding day, not at the chapel at the Mirage

- a bunch of nice Diana moments but when I heard some commentator say that the ceremony had white roses because that was her favorite..you are sort of gasping for straws. It's a wedding

- everybody commented that Harry was such a gentleman for opening that door of the classic car and Markle for leaning over for him. This was fully choreographed people.

- love the tableau of a gospel choir in a church surrounded by the most stuffy people in the world going through endless pomp and circumstance.

- I didn't hear a peep out of Prince George or Princess Charlotte and they didn't show them during the ceremony. Probably because they both had iPads which I commend

Friday, May 18, 2018

Take on the drunken lawyer look

Has there ever been a person who looks like he's just coming off of an all night coke bender than Michael Cohen. The dude has that "I just lost the kid's college fund on the blackjack table" appearance when he's looking good and rested and looks like he was snorting coke off of a meth addicted hookers ass when he doesn't. His entire wardrobe looks like it was lifted off the coat rack at a Benihana
I know he's made a successful career out of being a real life Better Call Saul but there is no way this guy goes to bed not fearful some goon is about to break his legs.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Take on Turner and Mooch

A cable news show staring Avenatti and the Mooch has been pitched to a couple of television channels and everybody is already calling it the next Turner and Hooch or better yet Turner and Mooch.

I get the appeal of shoving together two loud mouthed attention seeking Italians does sort of make sense but I'd be honest...I'd never watch

Having this bombastic egotistical maniacally obsessed President is already enough for me, I don't need any more of that in my life. It also proves once and for all that Michael Avenatti's interest in this entire thing is purely a gigantic ego stroke and he never cared for the feelings of poor Stormy

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Take on Trump’s love of West Virginia

Trump told GOP senators that he likes West Virginia so much that he might move there one day which made he wonder if there was a federal penitentiary in the coal mine state.

The chances of a coastal elite like Trump living in a place like West Virginia is laughable but he does have a need to be surrounded by admiration and no place seems to believe that his cult of personality will pick them up out of their despair like West Virginia. After four years (or..gasp..eight) the people there will realize that there jobs aren't coming back, their meth problem is as bad as ever and Bob Huggins is still a gigantic man child.
But they may not look down on Trump's infatuation with Ivanka

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Take on the embassy

When you put the President's name in bigger font than the rest of your embassy, you can't possibly be surprised since this is the same guy who emblazoned his name on every building from here to Atlantic City regardless of how big a dump the place was. The embassy move, as already discussed, was never one that made much sense since it gave away a bargaining chip and will now only cause more unrest than that region needs.

But the fact that the Trumps decided to make a total spectacle out of it implies that this is a decision whose interest are only to stoke the egos of the few in charge.

Monday, May 14, 2018

take on Jared Kushner

Jared Kushner has gone from the great hope to the great hype to the great complicter (sp?) when it came to being the voice of reason within the administration.   Not only has he not kept his end of the bargain of keeping the lunatic in charge somehow contained, he's complicit in the death of dozens in Gaza.

The movement of the embassy never seemed necessary and was only going to rattle the Palestinians for now good reason..  Seeing protests today was about as predictable as the sun rising over the Dead Sea while sitting atop Mount Masada 

what was interesting, sort of, was that this might have been the first time we actually heard Kushner speak and as predicted he sounds like a cross between Kermit the Frog and a prepubescent child which is interesting since his Father in Law has the emotional makeup of a prepubescent child and Kellyanne Conway looks like a whiter Kermit the Frog with a head that is too big for her body.

anyway, I was happy to see that somebody (likely G-d) was shining a big light into his eyeballs during his miserable speech, trolling him for the murder of dozens because of his decision.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Take on the Trump Accomplishments

FoxNews put up a list of Accomplishments for Trump and it read like a whose who of nothing.
The list includes moving the US Embassy to Jerusalem which, as far as an accomplishment goes is kind of empty
Leaving the Iran deal isn't much of an accomplishment
The release of prisoners and meeting with Kim Jong Un is a true accomplishment although the real accomplice to will be baes on the long term results of that meeting

But the rising approval ratings isn't example a presidential accomplishment nor is making "the economy great again"

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Take on Kellyanne Conway

I've been staring at this photo of Kellyanne Conway and Ivanka Trump and I can't quite make out what Kellyanne looks like when you can see her from head to toe.
The best I've come up with is a cross between Kermit the Frog and Billy Crystal in The Princess Bride. She's got a head which is too big for her body, she wears off white on top of white, she has weird boney knees, she was legs which bow the wrong way and she has the smile of a psychotic nun. Oh yeah, she's a horrible person to boot.

Ivanka on the other hand is like Beavis and Butthead, she never ever looks at the camera correctly and always will look right. I'm convinced her left side is weirdly transformed

Friday, May 11, 2018

Take on Sarah Sander’s huge mouth

The press is really out to get Big Huck...I mean she is a horrible human who has made a living out of lying and covering for an immoral scumbag, so not sure why anybody would be that surprised.  

But one thing you notice is that almost every single photo you see of her is one where she looks like she is about to chow down on a Blimpie Best. 
It's something about the way she opens her mouth that reminds you of the clown at the miniature golf course.  

I'm not sure it's actually on purpose as she just has this gigantic oral cavity but look at any story about her and each one has her looking like she is huffing and puffing after she just ran up a hill. 

It's like her huge mouth is a magnet for the camera. From Trump friendly to Trump unfriendly sites alike

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Take on Seth Meyers creating Donald Trump

It's all Seth Meyers fault.

Our president is so thin skinned that it's been rumored for years that he devised up his run for President after feeling slighted by a joke about him by Obama at the White House Correspondence Dinner. Now we finally find out the truth, it wasn't Obama's joke that killed little Don, it was Seth Meyers. Apparently, Trump was so incensed by the slight that he wanted Meyers to make a personal public apology to him on Meyers' late late late late show which Meyers never did. The irony is that Seth Meyers is the Bill Cosby of comedy (minus the whole date rape thing). I've heard him speak a few times and he come across as a dad who wears socks with sandals and is stressed about the mortgage and making his kid's softball game. He's also on a TV show that nobody watches, yet Trump felt that this guy needed to grovel for his affection at 2am on NBC.

So anyway, using that theory about the butterfly from Jurassic Park, we have Seth Meyers to thank for President Trump. Good job

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Take on Enko

The latest craze might be these hideous shoes from @enko and Im not a fan. When you heard about a guy like the Blade Runner compete in events with his blades people were up in arms. The spring action on those blades actually meant that he was running faster than abled bodies Olympian's. We've seen players opt for Tommy John surgery as a preemptive measure knowing that it actually improves their velocity.
Well now you can be your own Blade Runner (minus the gruesome murder part) with these new spring shoes from Enko. I have no idea how I feel about it as most people will just use it for their own running pleasure and unlike golf with it's stupid rules, getting and advantage in your own exercise is probably fine.
But really you will look like a jackass wearing these things, it reminds me of those sketchers they sold for a minute with the rounded bottom

Notice the staying power of those things.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Take on Michael Cohen

Michael Cohen went from not being reimbursed for the $130,000 to getting a stipend for $450,00 and now it sounds like we hear he got another $500,000 from a Putin oligarch. So covering for Trump's ass is great business model. You spend $130,000 and you get back $950,000 and all you have to give up is your honor and dignity which for Cohen is like ordering an egg and cheese.

Well, good luck in fender alignment penitentiary, hope your five hole is well greased

Monday, May 7, 2018

Take on Be Best

Most people will look at Melania's anti cyber bullying initiative as more than a little inconsistent with her own life but we at TOR are more concerned with the stupid name this initiative holds.  We get she's an ESL student but what the hell does Be Best mean?   "Be Your Best" could make sense, "Be who you are" could be something but how does a kid who is being bullied rally around a campaign which is missing a basic portion of a sentence.
Maybe it's a weird code that she's using to signal to her friends that she's being held captive by a psycho path


By an

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Take on Rudy’s crazy eyes.

The weirdest thing about Rudy is that "somebody bring this guy back in the loony bin" look he gets in his eyes. Whenever he goes bug eyed he looks like one of those hand puppets win his weird big eyes, floppy arms like he's got someone's hand way up his five hole

I get that things haven't gone well for America's Mayor (this third divorce, his fat son hates him, Trump passed on him for every cabinet position). But he does seem to be loyal and now has the inevitable position of defending the indefensible, maybe having somebody's arm up his ass is actually the best part of his year.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Take on Meek Mill

Maybe this will prove that I'm a middle aged white father of three but I have literally no idea who Meek Mill is or why I'm suppose to care.
I saw he got out of prison and went directly to Sixer game and he's personally close with Bob Kraft, so what I know about him isn't really redeeming. I also know that he's all over the paper and I was thinking of looking him up on Wikipedia but can't be bothered to actually go through the work to do that.

So instead I ask my loyal followers if anybody has any idea why this guy is being interviewed by Lester Holt

Friday, May 4, 2018

Take on Trump’s decision to not go to the funerals

There is this online movement with people
Outraged about the fact Trump golfed instead of attending the funerals of the Stoneman Douglass victims but this is where the anti Trump movement is so inconsistent. You know that if he did show up, it would be an absolute sh!t show and many people would want him nowhere near the burial of their child because of his utter lack of morality or compassion.

If he did go, he'd inevitably say something about how he got more people to come to the funeral than Obama ever could, how his electoral victory was so decisive, how the main stream media is mean to him or how Hillary Benghazi'd the uranium emails while falling down after tripping over the litany of sexual harassment allegations against Bill which were paid off by the Clinton Foundation.

Nobody would want him anywhere near the funerals but when he doesn't come they knock him, too. Listen, Trump sucks but he causes the least amount of harm when he's surrounded by rich old fat guys one his stupid golf course.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

Take on Sad Hannity

Poor Hannity, he wasn't given the playbook before his explosive interview with Rudy and was heavily flustered when the Mayor admitted that the Stormy money came directly from Trump. What was sadder was watching Sean's sad face when discussing it in his Opening Monologue. I don't quite know where Hannity's line is but when he's sent out there on the front line to deliver Trump's message but when he is left out there to hang, it's not very fair.
But like everybody who was once close to Trump, they at some point find themselves on the outs and maybe this was Hannity's "you didn't get invited to my birthday party" memo

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Take on Trump’s crazy doctor.

It's been quite a week for doctor's who have actually seen Trump's medical charts. Apparently they aren't qualified to lead major government agencies, hand out Percocets like they are Skittles, crash cars into trees and knock on women's hotel rooms in the middle of the night.
Oh yeah, that was the normal looking doctor.

Trump's other doctor, Dr. Harold Bornstein who looks like a cross between the Dude and Walter gets his five minutes this week. First it came out that Trump's goons raided his office last year to clear out all medical records of Trump. Bornstein looks like he shouldn't have a barber license, let alone a medical one and he's the only one we were asked to trust to provide a bill of health for a 70 year old who has never turned down a Big Mac and has never once been on a treadmill

Then it was revealed that the glowing letter about Trump's great health wasn't actually written by Bornstein but instead dictated by Trump and then (maybe) signed by him.

This had to be the least surprising thing ever, considering the letter didn't speak about any actually medical information you'd expect to find like cholesterol, blood pressure or medical procedures but instead spoke glowingly about the health Trump was in and how he would be the healthiest person to ever be president. Whenever you see a letter about Trump with more than one adjective, it's likely something he wrote himself. This shouldn't surprise anybody since it's well established that "John Barron" would regularly call Liz Smith to give hints at the amount of poon Trump was getting that week.

But anyway, glad to know that Trump's medical records are now safely kept under lock and key by Schiller and the rest of the Gambino tribe.