Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Take on Asian carp

So as part of Trump's hacksaw to the EPA is some regulation where they will cut funding for the destruction of something called Asian Carp   Apparently these Asian carp were released in Lake Michigan and completely ruined the ecosystem and now all the other fish are dying.  Personally I see this as another opportunity for Trump to shine, he just has to take the right side of the argument and we know he is willing to take any position as long as it will make him rich 

Another example of outsourcing to the Chinese.  We should tax every Asian carp that makes it into Lake Michigan, Lake Superior, Lake Heron, Lake Erie and that other one, too


make the Great Lakes Great Again

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Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Take on Trump'e golf game

When photos leaked of Donald Trump watching golf at his golf resort over the weekend the mainstream media went nuts. Maybe it was because he claimed to be having meetings, maybe it was because the culprit was not some investigative reporter from the failing NY Times but an 11 year old kid, maybe it was the in-your-face irony of Trump having knocked Obama for all the times he hit the links or maybe it was the fact that in privacy he still wears that stupid red hat but people were up in arms. I don't care abut golf and hope he plays it because like a mental patient, you have to keep him entertained otherwise he may take a dump in your laundry basket.
What I'm less happy about is that he does all his golfing, entertaining and dining at Trump courses and resorts, obviously there is a conflict of interest issues where the tax payers are footing the bill for Big Don to wine and dine at his own restaurants and hotels but my bigger issue is that this loser can't even admit it. If you want to watch golf with your rich white guy buddies, go nuts. You want to hit the links with those same rich old white dudes, enjoy. Just admit you are doing exactly what you knocked Obama on and for God sake, take off that hat when you are inside

Monday, March 27, 2017

Take on the grand conspiracy

It is just a matter of time. Devin Nunes seems to have been compromised, Manafort, Stone and Page are forced to testify, Sessions has recluse himself, Kushner is going to speak and through it all Flynn has been mysteriously quiet. If you read between the lines you will see a pattern here and it starts in Moscow and ends at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. If they have turned Flynn, the end is near because if they turn a capo they aren't doing it to after a solider, they are going after The Godfather and there is nobody above Flynn. The reality of some weird Russian collusion thing has been staring us in the face from the day that Trump went soft on them at his first major foreign policy speech at the Mayflower where he practically felated Putin on stage. It was there that Trump had a secret meeting where he sold his soul (and America's security) to the vodka guzzling devil, in exchange for a little help with the election
The payoff was probably only a few million to help lift sanctions after Crimea, a few bank kickbacks and a couple of wink-wink agreements. But they'll never get him on anything because Trump is smart enough to never leave a direct paper trail (doesn't use email, dictates everything else) but this is where it all starts

Either that or Trump is actually the baby Jesus reincarnated.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

The Forbes airport list

Forbes came out with their list of the worst airports and the winners, uh, losers are, anybody who ever flies into or out of New York with the worst three airports in the country listed as LaGuardia, JFK and Newark. I don't know what criteria they used but I assume that if didn't matter, any criteria by itself would make these three the bottom dwellers whether it was horrid conditions, terrible delays, crappy terminals, uninspiring food options, bad layouts layouts, awful parking options, long lines, ugly people and bad connections
Luckily for me, I've already flown either into or out of these three airports 10 times this year and will likely fly in or out of them another 30 times before the year is over. I should get a free bag of peanuts or something.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Take on the new Deadspin

First Deadspin had to deal with fallout of the Gawker-Hogan thing which meant its focus went from pure sports related fun to include some political and celebrity gossip, which I was fine with but certainly changed the experience. But now, they have added this gaming thing which will single handily bodyslam this website from my must-read list. It's not that I hate gaming, I do, but reading about it is as painful as it gets. Video games are absolutely dreadful and people who play them should all be leg-dropped till they faint. But if the people who play it aren't lame enough, there is nothing worse than reading about other people playing some virtual reality thing, it's like the section in the back pages of the paper that describe bridge.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Take on The Closer

Trump is the ultimate closer, or so we've been told. He was unflappable like Mariano Rivera with the personality (and suit size) of Goose Gossage but if today shows us anything, the Art of the Deal sounded more like Let's Make a Deal along with all the people dressed in funny costumes. Trump is no Mariano Rivera, you don't put on Enter Sandman when his doors open. You can learn more about a man in the way he takes defeat and how he bounces back from it than the way he handles a win but Trump is the ultimate front runner which means that he's already on to the new sexy thing and will leave this steaming pile of Dog Crap for Paul Ryan to clean up. Luckily for America, Paul Ryan eats shit sandwiches for lunch, so he'll probably compliment Trump on the taste.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Take on the ACHA

After Paul Ryan pushed back the vote on the repeal of Obamacare today, the hope of replacing it with Trumpcare seemed ever less likely. Trump called a bunch of Republicans to the White House today to prove he is the Mariano Rivera of presidents but instead looks a bit more like Armando Benitez and Joe Q Public just got pegged in the back.
The more I think about it, the more I think the GOP wants it to fail, because if it passes it's their problem and for the first time in a decade they won't be able to run against Obamacare in the next election cycle.
That is also the reason I think they called it The American Health Care Act, they probably figure that most idiot Americans won't realize it is any different than the Affordable Care Act, and they can run against that terrible governmental overreach in two years.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Take on the Russian ties

Imagine that in March of 2009 it came out that 

David Axlerod was on the payroll of some crown prince in Saudi Arabia for millions of dollars 

James Jones was working with Jordan but never disclosed it 

Valeria Jarred communicated with the masterminds of a terrorist attack via twitter

Ben Rhodes was mentioned multiple times in a dossier involving a night Obama spent in Bahrain 

Obama's business had multiple deals with the Saudi's and that shady Saudi's were operating out of one of the buildings he owned 

there was an FBI investigation into ties between his campaign and the Saudi government 

he would have been hanged

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Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Take on the electronic cabin ban

The more you think about this laptop ban, the more it is just a travel ban in disguise. Having just gotten off of a 14 hour flight, I can't imagine having done it without a laptop and my iPhone.   I get that they show a couple of crappy movies on the inflight entertainment but if I have to sit through another version of Love Actually, I'm going to poke my eyes out.  

Now imagine doing that 14 hour flight with my three kids, without a tablet, you can forget what you have heard about Jihad, that thought might be worse   

So so I think that this will effectively stop anybody from ever wanting to visit our country again..

Make America Safe Again  

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Monday, March 20, 2017

Take on the very limited Paul Manafort

Apparently Paul Manafort role in the Trump campaign was vastly overstated by everybody fro the Fake Media, to the campaign itself and definitely by Donald Trump because today Sean Spicer indicated that his role was very limited during the campaign. That's a bit silly being that he was...the campaign manager...but maybe we are parsing words or making word soup or maybe we are eating sour with parsley. I assume that if Sean Spicer is good with Paul Manafort having just had a very limited role in the campaign, he'll also agree that John Candy had a limited role in Planes, Trains and Automobiles or Chris Farley was only a small part in the 90s SNL. Thanks but I'll take my fat guy with my soup.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Take on the checked luggage

I work up this Saturday morning at 4am Tokyo time, which is 3PM New York time on Friday.  I can never sleep well the day before a flight, an affliction which really sucks if you fly 50 legs per year. 
 I went to the gym, packed my bags, had breakfast and by 9am I was off to the airport.   It is now past midnight in New York,  28 hours since I left my hotel after a long connection in Shanghai (don't ask) and in still waiting for my bags to come through.   I never check a bag, mainly because I'd prefer to schlep it through an airport than deal with the endless waiting at the end of a long flight.  But when I was gifted a couple of bottles of Saki, I didn't have much of a choice and did the one thing I promised myself I'd never do again, especially when there is an international connection involved.    We deplaned an hour ago and I have already been standing here for 50 minutes painfully watching the same twenty suitcases go around this conveyer belt but mine is nowhere to be found.  All for a bottle of saki that I didn't want and will sit in my cabinet for years, until one day I take it out and bring it to somebody's house as a housewarming gift at which point it will sit in their cabinet for years. 

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Saturday, March 18, 2017

Take on Rex Tillerson's Asian vacation

Sexy Rex Tillerson had to cut short an event with his Korean counterparts because of fatigue..   We feel for Rex, knowing first hand how grueling Asian trips are, between the time changes, the long flight, the rice wines, the crappy food, you get really tired.   Everybody is going to call him Low Energy and weak but we won't pile on, having just spent a similar trip in three Asian cities in a week, sometimes you just need a little break from all the Lost in Translation moments. 

Rex just doesn't seem like the kind of Secretary who is able to take on that much, he doesn't come across as a guy who can take on that much pressure, which is fine if you are a gas station attendant but maybe not ideal if you represent the United States on the world stage.  

Then again maybe he just wasn't in the mood for another Korean barbecue, those things are delicious but when it's the fifth time you're having it in three days, you might need a break and you certainly don't want another one of your suits to smell like you rolled around on the floor of a butcher shop.    It could also be that his Korean counterparts were doing some heavy drinking the night before and Rex needed a night off, we know how hard those can be.  

Listen, Rex is no Hillary Clinton (or John Kerry, or Colin Powell or Madeleine Albright or Condi or whoever)  I think Rex is probably more comfortable at home, playing Risk with his grandkids, and we shouldn't fault him for that.  his job is really not that important to the future of the free world.  

Friday, March 17, 2017

Take on the bathroom signs in Japan

Every bathroom in Japan has a photo of exactly how you need to wash your hands. In the US you might see this in a restaurant for workers or in a kindergarten but in Japan these guidelines are for everybody and you kind of have to appreciate the level of commitment to cleanliness.

 I'm wondering if they did a nationwide study and found that Japanese dudes were not adequately washing after taking a dump or if this was more precautionary but in a country where there is no physical interaction, the paranoia might be overkill. You literally don't touch anybod here, nobody hugs, nobody shakes hands and nobody high fives, the only true interaction is probably in the massage places and your hands are probably the least of your worries there. The rest of it is like a completely virtual existence.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Take on China's AIDS brochure

As you leave China, right befor you go through customs, there is a table with some pamphlets on it, all intended to give vulnerable Chinese people some much needed information before they venture into the great unknown wilderness. There are ones about getting pick pocketed, there are ones about Zika and there is a stack of them about AIDS. Not since I was in the seventh grade, have I seen such scare tactics. They show loneliness, weird looking characters like that fox and wolf from Pinocchio and an Albert Einstein looking doctor telling young Chinese people to not stick their chopsticks into the noodle bowl of some weird duck. I applaud the vigilance, I am happy to see any country take health issues seriously but you'd think they could make the entire thing not look like a Saturday morning cartoon.

take on Rachel Maddow's BIG reveal..

not since Geraldo tried to open up Al Capone's vault has a TV program been this hyped and give us such so little in the actual money-shot.
Rachel Maddow hyped her release of Trump's taxes on Twitter and then almost immediately threw cold water on by announcing it was the 2005 ones.    If that wasn't bad enough even before her show, Trump scooped Maddow by confirming the numbers before her program, so CNN was announcing Maddow's scoop way before she did as she tried to tease her way from commercial break to commercial break in a way that would make Mike and Mike jealous. 

Even when the taxes came out, it was really Geraldo esquie, it showed he paid $38 million on $150 million in income, not exactly the 35%+ that the top-rate requires but more than Romney and a bunch of other rich guys probably paid that year.  I get that this is all just noise at this time and the fact that The White House beat her to the punch really took any of the wind out of the sail of her big reveal.. Then when it comes to the facts, they also sort of failed to impress.  What is impressive, and Trump is probably most impressed by this, was the way she was able to turn this sort of lame story into a ridiculously highly rated bunch of hype..   

so I guess at least she had that going..

my guess is that the one who released these are Trump himself as they actually show that a) he's rich and b) he paid a fair amount of taxes...

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Take on the fish head

Yesterday I was served Howard the Duck, today it was Jimmy the Fish. A Chinese meal is never complete without a complete fish and I felt like Tony Soprano looking at Big Pussy. I like fish, but when they serve it with the eyes in, it's a bit much. I know what the fish is but I just don't need to have Nemo staring at me while I'm eating its belly.
Then again the woman who sat next to me chewed on the gills and waged it down with the eyeball. I was just happy she didn't stick her Hong-King foot right in the soy sauce, although that might still have been more sanitary than when she blew a gigantic snot bubble into her napkin.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Take on Peking Duck

Nothing is less appealing than having a full  duck head served on a giant lazy Susan between your bull balls and jelly fish.  The problem is that in China, there is always something that makes you want to puke all over the stained linens.    Peking Duck is just one of the nastiest looking things because it comes served whole and the charred crisp and looks like what you'd imagine what 70 year old Chinese Woman's wawa looks like.     The thing about Peking Duck is it that items fatty and disgusting, it's that it just looks like the turkey Clark served in Christmas Vacation if that bird had been caught swimming in lime green toxic swamp water. 

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Sunday, March 12, 2017

Take on the VIP treatment

There is nothing like landing in Shanghai and going through the VIP section of security. VIP apparently means that the carpet is only partially stained, the Chinese people behind you are only slightly pushing you and the lady who runs that magic wand over your body only slightly slaps that stick on your nutsack. I get how important security is but the VIP portion is just laughable. The good news is the lounge feels like you are hanging out in Port Authority with a bunch on homeless people who are picking their teeth, digging between their toes and slurping their soup. Oh yeah, the bathrooms smell like just like the one on the second floor of the Port Authority, it's almost like being home.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Take on Preet

I remember reading about Preet Bharara in the papers as he always in the process of taking down bad guys as well as bad guys who dressed like good guys. Trump, as his right, had asked him to stay on as US Attorney a few weeks ago, probably because he was ready to indict DeBlasio for some pay for play thing but something happened in the last month or so. Maybe Trump just wanted to purge any Obama loyal guys, maybe he had a better guy lined up or maybe it is because Trump Tower fell within his jurisdiction and the sharks were circling. Bharara didn't take the suggestion to resign but instead waited a few hours for Trump to go Apprentice on him and fire him. He may have won some new political clout as scars for standing up to Trump are certainly ones you want to show off or maybe he was just waiting for his pension but either way, Bharara is out and I expect Bo Dietl or Krusty the Clown to be sworn in any second.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Take on Michael Flynn

Michael Flynn has to be one the slimiest humans alive. After spending a good potion of the Donald Trump campaign calling for Hillary to be locked up and accusing her of pay-for-play, he's spent the first two months of the new administration getting pushed out of his job for not disclosing information pertaining to secret meetings he had with the Russians and now has retroactively registered for a $500,000 lobbying job for a foreign agent. The only thing more nuts than having had him in a position of national intelligence was allowing him to try to jimmy his bonehead, conspiracy theory spouting son into the pot, too. Michael Flynn should have his citizenship stripped away, dressed up like that Bear from The Jungle Book and forced to like as a concubine for some three thousand pound gorilla.

But remember, Hillary was the most corrupt candidate ever.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Take on the World's Greatest Healthcare plan

We. Are. Being. Trolled.

The official legislation in front of the Energy and Commerce and Ways and Means committees is official dubbed "The World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017". I'm not sure if the "of 2017" is part of the name or if all bills like this have an "of 2017 ending" but either way, this just shows that Trump hasn't just infiltrated the electorate, his verbiage has infiltrated everything. Who, outside of a fourth grader, speaks this way. Everything is either the most fabulous, the greatest, the most fantastic and everything that's not supported by him is the worst most dreadful piece of dog crap that has ever been seen.
Listen, in fully aware that you can't judge a book by it's cover, but when it's this obviously trolling, you just know the little guy is getting bent over a barrel. The only good thing is that has those stubby little fingers