Friday, August 17, 2018

take on Mitch's suit

Mitch McConnell showed up in congress today looking like a pale turtle in a mustard suit.  The pale turtle portion isn't any different but the tan suit really is atrocious..   I remember when Obama wore a tan suit once and the GOP lost their collective shits as it just wasn't presidential.   This is the same GOP who seems to look the other way with a president who calls former staffers dogs, is on tape making misogynistic comments embracing sexual assault and who somehow got through the GOP primary after calling Ted Cruz's wife a slob..

you keep rocking that suit Mitch, maybe try a seersucker suit next 

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Take on that dumb parade

So that stupid parade isn't going to happen this year because after some careful consideration the Fepartment of Defense figures it would cost $100 million dollars which is about 10 times what Trump promised. So we won't have to watch our troops march done Pennsylvania Avenue to salute King Trump which is nice but what is especially great is that they placated old Don with the "sometime in 2019" which is shorthand for "never"

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Take on Trump’s love of black people.

Don't worry everybody, the fact that Trump doesn't employ a single black person as a senior White House staff member isn't something to worry about because, believe me, Trump loves black people and they love him

Look at the black employment numbers, they blow away Obama's according to Big Huck. Look at the friends that Trump keeps (Don King, Kanye Kardashian, Dennis Rodman) all of whom are upstanding citizens. Look at the African American people who have endorsed him (Ben Carson and that funny Sheriff) and tell me that he doesn't love black people with a passion. Forget his "good people on both sides" thing, they was out of context. The Central Park 5 was just about keeping justice. The lawsuits against Fred and Don were just people trying to bring the men down. The comments about Omarosa are just unfortunate. He just said he likes Mike Jordan and Jordan agreed that he likes himself too.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Take on Click Bait

I'm a sucker for click-bait, I think we all are at some level.
"See the X rated photo the Kardashian's don't want you to see"
"The top 22 times a sporting event was interrupted by spontaneous nudity"
"The four greatest NBA stars to never win a championship in the NBA OR in college"
"You'll never believe what Rudy from the Cosby Show looks like now"

Most days I can muster the will power to avoid clicking or it but not to today.

Today's headline in the DailyNews stating that President Trump's "coke habit" was the cause of his metal and physical decline was such a doozy it had me totally pegged.

Of course like most ClickBait this thing left me disappointed (and with a bunch of weird pop up ads). Trump's coke habit is apparently Diet Coke which isn't news -and very Francesca-esque.
The big reveal was that Trump is a disgusting pig who drinks vast amounts of soda and tans daily, which again isn't news to anybody.

Next thing they will tell us is that he has hair plugs

Monday, August 13, 2018

Take on QAnon

I'm one who actually embraces conspiracy theories notnbecause I think they deserve serious airtime or political discussion but because it's the easiest way to determine which people we need to watch out for. People who are dumb enough to buy into 9/11 was an inside job, pizzagate, sandy hook being a set up or just about anything then it's like Alex Jones has ever said, should be vilified and made to wear a Scarlett letter AJ.
Now I find we have a new form of crazies, the ones who go with this QAnok thing which sounds like a fashion magazine about Steve Bannon which nobody wants to read. I know very little about them but they seem frightening in that these guys are a cross between Alex Jones and Flat Earthers.

Time to round up all the believers and ship them off to tinfoil Island.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Take on the Trump-Harley fued

I'm old enough to remember when Republicans decried Obama for picking favorites when it came to a little solar company out of California. Trump isn't picking favorites in his war with Harley Davidson, he's picking the losers. Nothing like the president of a country getting his hands dirty for a decision made by a company for the benefit of said company, especially since that decision was prompted by shortsighted trade war our president decided to start. But this is what Trump does, he picks losers instead of winners, he roots for failure not success and he has never met a camera he didn't want to make love to with his puny little hands.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Take on Mark and Jeanine

The Orange One had dinner with Mark Levin this week and this was able to give the official talking points directly to him and likely dialed up Judge Jeanine at the same time. Apparently the new position of the right wing is that Bob Mueller of Purple Heart Fame is now a greater threat to our country than Five Deferment Don and his buddy Little Vlad. I get that this must be confusing for their loyal listener and viewership as you need cheat notes to keep everybody straight cause in a world where up is down and down is up apparently Russia is America and America is Swiss Cheese

Friday, August 10, 2018

Take on Avenatti

I love that Michael Avenatti has taken on Trump and seems to have his entire team run scared but I'm still not at all a fan of this dude as president. If there is one thing the last year and a half have told us it's that a guy whose "experience" is basically being a bloviator trying to get as much airtime for himself as possible will not make a good president.

We don't need a celebrity who loves the sound of his own voice, we need a person with conviction, with understanding, with morals.

Or maybe quite simply this time we don't need a guy who is intertwined with Stormy Daniels.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Take on Space Force

Wait...this Space Force is a real thing? I honestly thought this was just one of those times that Trump was riffing and everybody just sort of laughed and turned to more important issues. I assumed it was one of those issues that every time he'd bring it up, John Kelly would tell him that they are working on it, just to keep him satisfied but apparently Mike Pence decided to have a big press conference announcement today

Although I do still kind of believe my first theory because the entire hoopla so far has to do with the logo which might be their way of placating the orange imbecile

Kelly
Yes Mr President we are hard at work on Space Force, just last week we had a designer work on a logo which, as a person who has had great success in branding, you'd appreciate

Trump
Yes, very good. A logo is really key to this, get to work on that. Maybe we should have an Apprentice style showdown on prime time to reveal the winning one

Kelly
Yes sir, sounds like a great idea. Those logos should be done in about two months, can't rush these things you know. Then a couple of months for review, you know for dotting the I's and crossing the T's.


Trump
Sounds sensible but we have to get this in front of people to show the tremendous work i'm doing. This is just another example of a place where crooked Hillary would have done something without any pizazz like trying to fix those water pipes. Nobody cares about that, people want bigger

Kelly
Yes, sure whatever

Trump
Do you think I should mention it at the campaign rally I'm having for that Tommy Baldwin guy over in Albuquerque

Kelly
You mean Troy Balderson in Ohio??

Trump
Yeah him. We like him right? He's not too nerdy looking is he? Anyway, get Tony a SpaceJam T-shirt. I like Mike

Kelly
Sure thing Chief

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Take on Trump’s VA team

Sometimes it seems Trump doesn't even care to hide the corruption. The president who campaigned on draining the swamp continues to be the one who empties fresh water it from the bottom of while filling it from the top with hazardous waste. Today's story invokes three Mar-a-Lago members who have been acting as direct liaisons to the running of the VA. Never mind that these three guys are as qualified as a comic store owner but the fact they have influence over one of the biggest departments within the US Government all while suing to be members of Trump's little hands club, does reek foul.

The thing is these three guys probably know more about VD's than the VA

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Take on the Big Fat Guido.

Our foreign policy braintrust includes Woody Johnson, Dennis Rodman and now Steven Seagal. There really isn't a more despicable threesome than these guys who have never met a camera they won't mug for or a bad 2nd round pick they won't embrace.
Seagal is maybe worse than the other two because Woody is just a clueless nerd who desperately wants Trump to notice him and Rodman might actually have a decent bone in his body but Seagal is what happens when you drink heavily during pregnancy and when the baby comes out you throw up in its mouth

But our Dear Leader has decided that these are the kinds of people that need to help Mike Pompeo in his quest to make America hated by everybody because nothing makes a fat kid happier than watching other kids get no cake.

By the way, Seagal has somehow gotten uglier. He now looks like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man with a painted on goatee, proving once again that Trump only hires people who are somehow uglier than himself.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Take on Slick Rick

When Slick Rick Gates took the stand today, they say you could hear a pin drop as he confessed to having been involved in criminal activity with Pauly Walnuts Manafort. Manafort pulled a John Gotti and stared down Gates like he was Sammy the Bull and the entire world saw just exactly how hard Beretta Bob was going to come down on Pauly. People ask why Manafort hasn't flipped since he stands to spend the rest of his miserable life in an orange jumpsuit instead of designer suits but this comes down to one thing.

This is the best chance for him

He's gambling on one of the following

- he might just get a hung jury or a straight acquittal. This trial has a jury and with Manafort's history and the company he keeps, I'm sure there are some doctors ready to cash in some broken leg operations.
- He flips and he can kiss his chances at a pardon goodbye. He probably is gambling on Trump doing so on the first Wednesday in November 2020, so it's just a waiting game that he can hold out for.

- he didn't do anything wrong and he can prove it. Lol.

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Take on the unrefridgerated chicken thing

There is this weird cuisine option you can buy at the train stations in China and I believe it's dried chicken. It's not just the chicken thing but it's that it's not refrigerated and kept sitting in the 100 degree store being breathed all over by thousands of window-shoppers. Imagine buying this thing, unwrapping it, chowing down and then getting onto a four hour train ride???
I've been offered thousands of weird thing to eat in China but this has to be one of the least appetizing things and that is saying a lot.

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Take on the Chinese airport security

When you leave China they make sure that they leave you with the knowledge that they had you by the balls.....literally.

Leaving is an endless process which is completely inefficient as they send you from line to endless line including preliminary security, passport check, ticketing, second passport check, immigration and customs to hand in your yellow slip and have your passport stamped again. Each of these steps feels endless with line of at least 20 to 100 people. Then when you finally get past customs and immigration, you are sent into the security check line which is almost odd considering how deep into the bowels of the airport you are. Standard procedures has you take out your laptop and battery packs and for some reason an umbrella. You remove your shoes and go through the metal detector machine and if all feels sort of normal until they get you through that thing and put you onto this little stand for a pat down but unlike the standard wand swipe you may get in the USA, here a Chinese guy gives you a full cavity search. This is like getting a Chines massage except instead of a Chinese girl it's some dude named Yuan and he's got his hands in places that nobody's hands have ever been.
It's the most thorough pat down you can imagine and any hope you had of a comfortable flight now is gone along with your innocence

Friday, August 3, 2018

Take on MouTai

Whenever I travel to China there is one night which makes you regret the entire trip. I'm forced to do it one time per trip and I usually insist it to be the last night, which is by design as it allows me to feel the consequences on a 14 hour flight home instead of during a full day of meetings. Last night a group of five of us were asked to polish off 2kg of a 5kg bottle of jet-fuel called MouTai

It's a necessity when doing business in China but not feeling like my eyes are popping out of my head after puking is a necessity too, so I've figured it a few tricks and Like a wily old veteran pitcher I use every single one of them in a night like this.

First you stick with beer for as long as possible. Sometimes you can get away with drinking beer when they are drinking the miserable stuff, so you do that till somebody notices and calls you out.

You then very demonstrably make a show out of the shots you take, big speeches so people think you are drinking more than you do and gives you cover for the next round.
This is when the magic happens. The MouTai is poured into these small glass carafes and you then our into these small wine glass shaped mini shot glasses. There is a lot of opportunity to empty your carafe without actually drinking it but you have to be smart.

First of all, you try to drink between big group shots and by drink I mean sip the stuff and spit it into one of those little wet towels they give you. It's a slow process but allows you to finish yours more quickly than others so the impression is that you are leading the charge. It also allows you to pour your own cup which is key. I always overpour from the little glass bottle into my glass which spills all over the tablecloth.

Then the magic happens. The tricks come out and it's a sight to behold. I put some in my mouth and thirty seconds later spit it into my water cup, I'll find a plant and often dump entire glasses Into it. I will always knock at least one glass over. Late in the night I will pour it directly into my napkin instead of into the glass. I'll spill it onto the ground, I bunch up tissues in my hand and soak up the booze while holding the cup. I sometimes will pour water into the cup, as this stuff is clear like water. I'll excuse myself with a full cup to go to the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. I switch carafes when people aren't looking. I'll accidentally drop a piece of rice into it and need to replace the glass. The trick is that you don't go to the same one too often, you constantly mix it up. It's a four hour dinner, and you need to figure out how to get through it.

That isn't to say that I don't consume a fair amount of it also, I just find ways to limit the intake.

You gotta survive this stuff.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Take on the Untouchables

Trump is more than a bit irked, he has really lost it

He had a tweet today which even amongst Trump tweets standards was bizarre. This one, we think, tried to imply that Manafort was being treated more harshly than mob boss Al Capone which is sort of a weird analogy to make considering we're talking about Paulie Walnuts

It's also odd that he refers to Capone as Alfonse, I've never heard him referred to as anything but Al but wonder if this is like a way to show the world that he was personal family friends with them. Like referring to JFK as Jack or calling him Nick Cage. It's also odd that any president would portray one of the most notorious gangsters as somebody who may have been treated badly.

But I guess if we're going to make Untouchable references then Trump can be Capone, Giuliani, Manafort and Sessions can be the Chicago Outfit and that makes Berretta Bob non other than...Eliot Ness

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Take on clean air.

I ask people in China constantly how difficult it is to live in a country with this amount of pollution and their comment is inevitably that now it really isn't that bad. They claim that the had blue skies last week which sounds like the "free beer tomorrow" sign at a bar.
But the one thing you see more than anything are these gigantic power plants and you realize they can install a million solar panels or windmills but until they stop building and using these plants, it won't get any better

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Take on the dead ducks

I couldn't possibly fly 8000 Miles around the world and not at minimum get a photo of a dead bird hanging behind a window. I was last in China five months ago but honestly believe this dried out duck may literally be the same one that was hanging there then. It's hard to tell with these things but this thing is so dry, so malnutritioned and so gross looking by all account has not been moved in a half a year as nobody in their sane mind would look at this disheveled duck and think..lucky me, it's time for diner

Monday, July 30, 2018

Take on the high speed Chinese train

When you are barreling at 300kilometers per hour with visibility of about 50 feet you are glad you are on rails but when you realize that the tracks are Chinese laid, the train is Chinese made and the smog is probably the debris of a derailment, it's a bit disconcerting. The good news is that your Chinese translator tells you that the entire rail system depends on a Chinese built computer system which is the best in the world because it is also located near his home town and the owner is very rich, you realize that we might have different definitions of "best"

But this is China and nobody expects you to be able to see out of your window so you just close the window shade, turn up the tunes and pray to the good lord to bring you back home in a single piece.

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Take on the short international connection

Landing in Shanghai after a 14 hour flight is never pleasant but when you have a short connection it's just miserable

After a two hour delay at JFK, we are going to be late and with a 9:30pm connection, I'm worrried. Connection was supposed to be two and a half hours and now it's half that time. Should be OK according to the flight attendant guy who speaks no English as we should land at 8pm


8:15pm
We actually land, nothing like another 15 minute delay after the initial delay. I immediately start to frantically look online to see if I can get any advanced gate information but my service is poor and even if I did find something it doesn't matter because the pilot takes an hour to taxi to our gate happily taking the scenic route. They pull us up, down and around and under. Every time it looks like we are going to get to our gate, he changes directions. There are tons of open gates but he insists on parking in the back of the parking lot, so he can be the first out of Wally World apparently. Every second of which feels harrowing but flies by as your watch looks like it is on hyperspeed wile your plane is traveling at turtle speed

8:29pm
We finally get to the gate and some lady in front of me decides to unpack her bag in the aisle. Dude, this wasn't something you could have handled during the fourteen hours we were flying?!?? I step over her bag and she gives me a dirty look.

8:34pm
We deplane and I shove a few old Chinese ladies out of the way as I run up the ramp. One guy is driving in the fast lane on the people mover but doing it in slow motion. How about some courtesy and move over dude!!!

8:38pm
I know I have to go through immigration but before that I find a new finger print step console. WTF is this, I was here five months ago and didn't do this!! This is like the ones we have but you know they will track your every step for the next 6 days with this knowledge

8:39pm
The finger print this is sort of painless and I run with my bag, suitcase and bad back through passing Chinese kids and moms while zigzagging through crowds of people. These are the same people I passed before but they didn't have to get fingerprinted. This is just a new initiative for foreigners I guess although European Union members don't need to do this, I blame Trump.


8:40pm
I get to immigration and as always the lines are always a thousand people deep. My watch is in overdrive and my heart is beating through my chest.

8:44pm
I hate to do this but finally get through by pulling a dumb American thing where you cut past all the people with a confused look on my face and apologizing profusely.

8:52pm
I convince a security lady to get me to the front of the line, she throws me in a cue with five people in it. Should be painless

8:54pm
The dude two dudes in front of me is chatting with the immigration lady, what the hell man, she's likely married and I'm late.

8:58pm
I finally get to the front, my hands are so sweaty that the second fingerprint scan doesn't take. Why the hell are there TWO finger print steps?? Has something changed with my finger prints from 10 minutes ago. I dry them on my pants but now the little system has to reset, time is ticking

She inspects my passport, visa and yellow arrival slip like it's got a secret treasure map on it. The lady doesn't smile so I give her a 😠 face on her "how did we do" tablet.

9:01pm
I make it down the strairs, past baggage claim and onto the transfer desk and of course am met there with a tourist crowd with their matching T-shirt's and the one lady with the umbrella. There must be fifty people. These people should be afforded their own lane, maybe one with a special trip to the zoo cause can't be that bright. Nobody in their right mind takes on of those stupid tours, if you then they should lock you up or take you to the zoo.

9:04pm
I pull the dumb American thing again and push my way to the front looking confused. I'm a sweaty pig at this point so everybody is happy to stay clear. The lady at the desk looks at my reservation with a concerned look. I'm willing to buy another ticket in the spot for $1000 if I have to because she can't find my reservation. Then she does, somehow she messed up on Chinese character like we mess up the AM/PM thing in our alarm clocks. Thanks for the explanation now print out my boarding pass

9:07pm
Her machine printer is out of paper. You have to be kidding me.

9:08pm
We go to another machine, she has to look it up again and gets confused again but finally does find it and prints out the boarding pass. She does invite me to go to the lounge which would be nice if I didn't have to be on my next flight in 22 minutes.

9:09pm
I make it up the escalator which suddenly stopped working. This seems to only happen with up-escalators when you are carrying big bags by the way, it's the world' away of telling you that you are just a pawn
Anyway, enough philosophy, think I'm in the clear as in upstairs but I forget that Pudong is
one of those maze-like airports. It's like that corn mazes where you think you are almost at the end but met with another closed door. I see the domestic departure terminal but can't get trough because it's locked. Another guy who is running through the airport with me, his flight from Detroit was similarly delayed, is almost in tears. He bangs on the door and voila, it opens. They need to check our tickets again, thanks for the help.

9:10pm
I'm back running, but as soon as I make the turn I see we need to go through security. I'm already in the airport, why do I need to go through security again??

9:13pm
Of course I'm the schmuck who gets pulled. I bought a new belt which now sets off the alarm and I get a fully body search by another non-smiling Chinese woman. They find nothing on my other than a belt

9:14pm
They keep making announcements for what I think is my flight but it's hard to understand. I'm looking for gate 255 but the only ones I see are single and double digits like 4,6 and 14. I'm busting through and finally see a sign. I'm going to make it

9:17pm
I make it to the gate which is actually just a ramp to another set of escalators. These Chinese airports love levels because everything is always up or down the stairs. I do feel badly for having complained about up escalators being the ones that don't work because this case the down escalator doesn't work, either. I'm sweating through my shirt

9:18pm
I'm downstairs but find out I need to go down another level. I just went down and now I need to go down again, this place is like one of those MC Eshel puzzles

9:19pm
The line is ridiculously long but I can't tell if it for 255 or 254, nothing is written in English

9:20pm
Finally push my way to the front, last bus to the airplane and I'm on it. Poor schmucks waiting for the 254 gate look like they are delayed.

9:25pm
The fear of missing the flight is over but it is interesting to see how far the plane is parked from the terminal. It's easily a 6 minute ride. Everybody likes to get that far parking spot apparently.

9:27pm
There it is, finally my plane is in place.

9:28pm
Sit down in row 37 next to a guy who smells like he hasn't washed his ass in a week and a woman whose teeth are the color of a pineapple

9:34pm
they close the doors, start the engines and roll off...then stop and tell us we'll be delayed for an hour.

Take on the short international connection

Landing in Shanghai after a 14 hour flight is never pleasant but when you have a short connection it's just miserable

After a two hour delay at JFK, we are going to be late and with a 9:30pm connection, I'm worrried. Connection was supposed to be two and a half hours and now it's half that time. Should be OK according to the flight attendant guy who speaks no English as we should land at 8pm


8:15pm
We actually land, nothing like another 15 minute delay after the initial delay. I immediately start to frantically look online to see if I can get any advanced gate information but my service is poor and even if I did find something it doesn't matter because the pilot takes an hour to taxi to our gate happily taking the scenic route. They pull us up, down and around and under. Every time it looks like we are going to get to our gate, he changes directions. There are tons of open gates but he insists on parking in the back of the parking lot, so he can be the first out of Wally World apparently. Every second of which feels harrowing but flies by as your watch looks like it is on hyperspeed wile your plane is traveling at turtle speed

8:29pm
We finally get to the gate and some lady in front of me decides to unpack her bag in the aisle. Dude, this wasn't something you could have handled during the fourteen hours we were flying?!?? I step over her bag and she gives me a dirty look.

8:34pm
We deplane and I shove a few old Chinese ladies out of the way as I run up the ramp. One guy is driving in the fast lane on the people mover but doing it in slow motion. How about some courtesy and move over dude!!!

8:38pm
I know I have to go through immigration but before that I find a new finger print step console. WTF is this, I was here five months ago and didn't do this!! This is like the ones we have but you know they will track your every step for the next 6 days with this knowledge

8:39pm
The finger print this is sort of painless and I run with my bag, suitcase and bad back through passing Chinese kids and moms while zigzagging through crowds of people. These are the same people I passed before but they didn't have to get fingerprinted. This is just a new initiative for foreigners I guess although European Union members don't need to do this, I blame Trump.


8:40pm
I get to immigration and as always the lines are always a thousand people deep. My watch is in overdrive and my heart is beating through my chest.

8:44pm
I hate to do this but finally get through by pulling a dumb American thing where you cut past all the people with a confused look on my face and apologizing profusely.

8:52pm
I convince a security lady to get me to the front of the line, she throws me in a cue with five people in it. Should be painless

8:54pm
The dude two dudes in front of me is chatting with the immigration lady, what the hell man, she's likely married and I'm late.

8:58pm
I finally get to the front, my hands are so sweaty that the second fingerprint scan doesn't take. Why the hell are there TWO finger print steps?? Has something changed with my finger prints from 10 minutes ago. I dry them on my pants but now the little system has to reset, time is ticking

She inspects my passport, visa and yellow arrival slip like it's got a secret treasure map on it. The lady doesn't smile so I give her a 😠 face on her "how did we do" tablet.

9:01pm
I make it down the strairs, past baggage claim and onto the transfer desk and of course am met there with a tourist crowd with their matching T-shirt's and the one lady with the umbrella. There must be fifty people. These people should be afforded their own lane, maybe one with a special trip to the zoo cause can't be that bright. Nobody in their right mind takes on of those stupid tours, if you then they should lock you up or take you to the zoo.

9:04pm
I pull the dumb American thing again and push my way to the front looking confused. I'm a sweaty pig at this point so everybody is happy to stay clear. The lady at the desk looks at my reservation with a concerned look. I'm willing to buy another ticket in the spot for $1000 if I have to because she can't find my reservation. Then she does, somehow she messed up on Chinese character like we mess up the AM/PM thing in our alarm clocks. Thanks for the explanation now print out my boarding pass

9:07pm
Her machine printer is out of paper. You have to be kidding me.

9:08pm
We go to another machine, she has to look it up again and gets confused again but finally does find it and prints out the boarding pass. She does invite me to go to the lounge which would be nice if I didn't have to be on my next flight in 22 minutes.

9:09pm
I make it up the escalator which suddenly stopped working. This seems to only happen with up-escalators when you are carrying big bags by the way, it's the world' away of telling you that you are just a pawn
Anyway, enough philosophy, think I'm in the clear as in upstairs but I forget that Pudong is
one of those maze-like airports. It's like that corn mazes where you think you are almost at the end but met with another closed door. I see the domestic departure terminal but can't get trough because it's locked. Another guy who is running through the airport with me, his flight from Detroit was similarly delayed, is almost in tears. He bangs on the door and voila, it opens. They need to check our tickets again, thanks for the help.

9:10pm
I'm back running, but as soon as I make the turn I see we need to go through security. I'm already in the airport, why do I need to go through security again??

9:13pm
Of course I'm the schmuck who gets pulled. I bought a new belt which now sets off the alarm and I get a fully body search by another non-smiling Chinese woman. They find nothing on my other than a belt

9:14pm
They keep making announcements for what I think is my flight but it's hard to understand. I'm looking for gate 255 but the only ones I see are single and double digits like 4,6 and 14. I'm busting through and finally see a sign. I'm going to make it

9:17pm
I make it to the gate which is actually just a ramp to another set of escalators. These Chinese airports love levels because everything is always up or down the stairs. I do feel badly for having complained about up escalators being the ones that don't work because this case the down escalator doesn't work, either. I'm sweating through my shirt

9:18pm
I'm downstairs but find out I need to go down another level. I just went down and now I need to go down again, this place is like one of those MC Eshel puzzles

9:19pm
The line is ridiculously long but I can't tell if it for 255 or 254, nothing is written in English

9:20pm
Finally push my way to the front, last bus to the airplane and I'm on it. Poor schmucks waiting for the 254 gate look like they are delayed.

9:25pm
The fear of missing the flight is over but it is interesting to see how far the plane is parked from the terminal. It's easily a 6 minute ride. Everybody likes to get that far parking spot apparently.

9:27pm
There it is, finally my plane is in place.

9:28pm
Sit down in row 37 next to a guy who smells like he hasn't washed his ass in a week and a woman whose teeth are the color of a pineapple

9:34pm
they close the doors, start the engines and roll off...then stop and tell us we'll be delayed for an hour.