Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Take on wet water

For a guy who has the best words, he certainly struggles with adjectives. Trump really only has a handful of them (huge, great, tremendous, phenomenal, overrated, horrible, terrible) and they always describe an event he's championing as the greatest and every event he's fighting against as the worst.

It's so sad to see a grown man struggle to form a coherent simple sentence and when he sort of does it's hard to understand him with all the self-felating he does. But now we know how difficult that might actually be for him, with his stumpy mushroom dick, he can't have it easy especially since he doesn't at all look flexible.

Today was classic Trump as he described the water flooding as one the wettest we've ever seen in terms of water. Somebody show him the Seinfeld clip about not being over to over-wet laundry because the guy needs to get out more.

Monday, September 17, 2018

Take on the OpEd author.

There aren't that many times that I'm genuinely shocked at what happens in the world of politics but today might be one. Kellyanne Conway said that Kavanaugh accuser should be heard which stands in direct contradiction than what we have heard out of the White House all week. Maybe this was a strategy decision from The West Wing or maybe this was Kellyanne going rogue.

But either way she actually did a none shit-bag thing which for her is shocking considering she's a shit-bag and doing shit-bag things is sort of her schtick.

What it does do is that it plays well into the new working theory in working on that she's the author of the OpEd.
The reason we in this newsroom believe this might the case goes as follows

- George Conway seem like he might genuinely not be a shit-bag and unlike his wife he seems to have morals and..gulp...a heart. I can't imagine somebody with that actually being married to somebody who is the real life version of Cruella DeVille. So unless this is just the way the two of them flirt and get their rocks off, or they are in discussion for a new Carville-Matalin show, the match seems odd.

- Maybe, just maybe, she's slightly less of a shit-bag than we thought. On second thought, she's a total shit-bag because as a friend said to me. "If she is the OpEd author it somehow makes her even worse" which is just shocking to imagine since she's already at a level 12 on the shit-bag category

- this one statement may be benign but Kellyanne is the most calculated political hack of all time, she almost never gets caught off guard and is able to spin on a dime.

- the Woodward book tells stories of her secretly removing paperwork from the President's desk which is exactly what the OpEd implies.

- she's the least likely to have been the author outside of Little Don, Ivanka and dumb Eric which sort of makes her the most likely. She knows that Trump would try to snuff out her author and she would be on the very short list of people that nobody would suspect.



But I'm banking on Old George to have some influence on her which isn't totally shit-baggy

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Take on the 17 Angry Democrat tweets

The lamest thing about Trump is his Illegal Mueller, 17 angry Democrats, Peter Strzok, witch hunt ones. The other crazy stuff like the kneeling thing or the wall stuff sort of plays well to his audience but I have to think that this one -which he seems to regurgitate about once per day- doesn't resonate with anybody.

For a Trump Tweet it sort of misses the hot take hard angle, it sounds about as genuine as an informercial and is about as interesting as one

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Take on the Chinese limit on screen-time

China wants to limit screen time for kids which sounds like a great idea if you can just forget about personal freedom which in China, they can. One of the official reasons is that it causes near sightedness along with addiction

We all know that kids who watch too much TV are likely addicted and getting them to be not addicted does sound sort of good, they sit around stationary and before they know it they are going to be 500 pounds. So maybe other fat kids being near sided is a good thing as these kids can't see each other.
Back in my day we would get near sighted the same way we got hairy palms.

Friday, September 14, 2018

Take on the dumb one.

Eric Trump has somehow gotten uglier.

He has always been known as the dumb one when it came to Trump's spawn which when you combine it with the fact that he was a buck toothed slob is likely the reason his dad always kind of hated him. But somehow he has gotten both dumber AND uglier which is hard to do when your bar is already so low.

I can't quite explain what it is but he went from this dorky fat rich kid to this dorky rich dork kid to this slicked hair dorky kid and somehow the change actually makes him look worse.

See somewhere between Trump winning and today, he decided to grow this horrible beard, slick his hair back and hang out with some dude named Brad Parscale who looks like an extra on Jersey Shore. I can't imagine a worse way for spending a day than flying cross country with these two meatheads with there stupid shades on inside their gold airplane.

The look on Eric's face is obviously that of a guy who is wondering if the other guy forgot to wipe his ass or he forgot himself.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Take on Trump’s next dumb thing

Trump's such an idiot it is shocking. On the eve of the season's first big storm, he decided to use the time to question the validity of the GW study showing that nearly 3000 people died in the aftermath of Maria. This is Trump for you, he sees every issue as one he must win because anything less would show weakness. He has no empathy, he shows no emotion, he has no feelings and yet these are not qualities that the 36% of voters see as even slightly important.
But the best is seeing there GOP big wigs respond to questions about his idiotic tweets as they all just go with the "I haven't seen the tweet" response, which could only be true if they literally had their heads up Trump's gigantic ass because there is no way to avoid any of it

Take on the dirty priests

There is nothing that disgusts me more than the Catholic Church's deceit when it comes to the clergy sexual abuse allegations. Today a report came out that nearly 4000 kids were abused while
the holy church did nothing. I'm not religious man but could be considered spiritual and see the distinction as pretty simplistic
I cannot imagine trying to follow (and defend) a religion which is based on seeing man's flaws and claims to "do good" yet hides behind its cloak when it has been more than apparent that their priests are a bunch of sex obsessed perverts.

The church which would consciously move these priests from parish to parish carries all the blame and when you hear that the amount of victims is in the thousands, you have to think that somebody in the Vatican Human Resources is not doing a great job in vetting these guys

I'm all for any priest caught doing this getting locked in the room with the most hung prisoner and let the old father know how it feels.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Take on Trump’s 9/11 face.

You sometimes wonder if Trump has any idea what sorrow means. As he got off of a flight to commemorate 9/11, he arrived in Pennsylvania and had the kind of look on his face like he was about to wrestle an alligator...or have a bad case of the runs

Trump doesn't understand civility, he doesn't understand compassion, he doesn't understand decency and he doesn't understand humanity. Nobody should ever confuse today for anything other than the most somber one in our country's existence and only Pearl Harbor day is close.

Also, it might be appropriate for the President of the United States to wear a black suit on a day like today and not a pair of 42L black pants with a XXL navy blue jacket. This guy could take some style lessons from me and I shove The Daily News into my jacket pockets like a homeless guy

Anyway, glad Trump is having fun. He is a lunatic

Monday, September 10, 2018

Take on the terrible ratings.

Remember that terrible CBS show Everybody Loves Raymond?? Well we have a new one called Everybody hates Donald. His unfavorable numbers are out of control, with Republicans starting to slip. His approval rating is 36% which is getting into Nixon territory, independents are dumping their DJT stock and democrats now view him 92% unfavorably

The questions I have are

- who the hell make up the remaining 8% of Democrats?
- what did the last three months do to turn 10% of independents away from Trump. I mean it's been a horrible three months but not any more horrible than the previous three
- the 18% of Republicans who don't approve seems low somehow. There have to be plenty of well intentioned, smart, coherent white breads left in that party who aren't fooled by this con. Or at least more than 18%

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Take on Nikki Haley

Nikki Haley is taking her role at the UN and convening a corruption task force which is great as there are many governments in this country which are highly burdened by terrible corruption. What I suspect this is though, is a way for her to snuff out corruption in his own government and allow her to become the rightful new lion king.
See Nikki Haley is the consummate opportunist and will happily take down Trump as she has shown her base just enough dissent to distance herself and just enough embrace that the craziest think she's one of them. In other words she is the perfect politician and the chances of her having written than OpEd is rising although we work believe it was written by one Kellyanne Conway

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Take on the plaid shirt guy

The plaid shorted dude at the Trump Talley in Montana made some headlines mostly because he was making stupid weird faces as our president as saying stupid weird things. Then we find out that he was escorted out by serving and probably given a deep cavity search before being interviewed by the FBI.
We are now a country that arrests a guy for making a stupid face. What he hell are we becoming if this is what we do. Forget calling the media he enemy the people, you are now saying the people are the enemy of the people

Morons, every one of them

Friday, September 7, 2018

Take on 44v45

After sitting silently for about a year and a half, 44 came out swinging today and hit 45 right between the eyes. Trump is 20 years older and 80 pounds heavier and 30 yards dumber, so it isn't really a fair fight and when it comes to eloquence one man has it in abundance while the other has a hard time spelling it.

So maybe the gloves are finally off, but sadly for both men, neither has proven been much of a campaigner for anybody but themselves

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Take on Brett Kavanaugh cheering section

As if Brett Kavanaugh wasn't a creepy enough guy, he brought a bunch of high school girls to his confirmation meeting.   Roy Moore immediately kicked a chair in his outhouse, angry that he lost that race.   See Kavanaugh is a weird looking guy as we already described but parading a bunch of 15 year olds in front of creepy old men like John Cornyn has got to be a new low for the upper chamber.  I'm just surprised the photo he took from his angle wasn't of him pleasuring himself.   

Anyway, here is to hoping John Cornyn zipper his penis when putting on his pants tomorrow




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Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Take on the resistance

So the resistance is coming from within the White House and everybody wants to know who the senior official is.

We out together a cheat sheet
It would be MadDogMattis as he's on his way out and thinks Trump has the intelligence of a fifth grader which is an insult to a bunch of fifth graders. But is think he'd wait till he's fired and then put his name on this thing....after he decapitated Sean Spicer

It's might be General Kelly who would have the ability to influence the most and has shown visible disdain for the president but it seems to easy.

It could be Pence who's choir boy image never quite meshed with Trump. And twitter thinks that his use of lodestar is a dead give away. I think it is just another official trying to throw us off the trail

Maybe it the Big Huck but she's likely too busy chomping down on a burger

It might be Ivanka but she's likely too busy powdering her bush

It could be Kushner but he is a winy wiener

Might be Miller although that would mean he had a decent bone in his body, which he doesn't have

Kudlow could be a candidate but he's been around for a week.

I've thought about the other secretaries but none of them have enough powder to influence all the policies needed to contain the president, like the interior or the EPA alone can't be enough. Maybe it's a concerted effort amongst them all, like Voltron.

So we think it is Kellyanne, the ultimate heel

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Take on the ugliness of the Brett Kavanaugh

The Supreme Court justices are as a whole not a good looking bunch.   Alito looks like a dad who wears socks with his crocs, Sotomayor looks like she got her haircut using an outlet, Thomas' haircut starts three quarters up his head and ends on his back and Ginsberg is older than dirt.    Roberts is a normal looking dude with eyes that aren't symmetrical and Gorsuch has that stately look although you know he doesn't wear underwear under the robe and is playing pocket pool.  Kagan is buck-toothed and Breyer has a weird dick in the mashed potatoes look

I'm not totally sure what it is but there is something especially odd looking about Brett Kavanaugh.   The rosy red cheeks are a certain sign of a guy who likes his scotch at night AND in the morning, the bad toupee makes him look like a sex offender, the odd W Bush smile makes him look like he is a bumbling buffoon and his ears are like stapled to his head.  He looks like he uses mascara and he has all these weird pimples like he is a prepubescent 12 year old who ate an entire pie of Dominos.  He has three chins and his eyes are similar to those of a weasel which is appropriate considering his weaselnessie. 

It's time to nominate somebody we are not embarrassed of.   



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Monday, September 3, 2018

Take on Danny Trejo

When I caught an article today about a missing man whose sister's van was torched, I looked at the dude and thought that they must have confused the guy with Danny Trejo. It wouldn't be too crazy if this was actually a movie poster since Trejo has like 300 credits to his name and has to be the most recognizable Hispanics character actor of all time.

I mean the guy is completely typecast as a badass Mexican gangbanger and usually doesn't actually have any lines other than "I'm here to kill your wife and drink her blood" in Spanish.
Anyway, maybe he's the guy who was caught in that van or maybe he is the brother or that dude's doppelgänger is the baddest most heavily tattooed Mexican this side of Trump's stupid wall.

Sunday, September 2, 2018

Take on bad beer

Years ago I'd drink any beer out in front of me, I'd usually drink Miller Liter because of you are going to have a case, let it be a less filling. Somehow in the last decade my palate has become more refined and I'm at this point in my life
Where the calories aren't worth it unless it's going to be a an good beer. I'm quickly become a beer snob as I'll only drink a hoppy IPA at this point, you'd never catch me with a Bud in the same way you couldn't catch me eating white chocolate any more. I need more bitterness, more compete flavor and less piss water.
When I mentioned this to somebody they agree on the Miller Lite thing but asked about a Heineken which has a proud Dutchman I should embrace but honestly that stuff is awful. Every Heineken I've ever had in the USA tastes like a skunk urinated into a green bottle and somebody paid $11 for six of them and brought them to your house for a party. That stuff makes my teeth hurt

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Take on Old Man Trump

As the world mourned John McCain, old man Trump was sitting on his gold plated toilet tweeting angrily. The further along this has gone, the more he has turned into a crazy homeless person screaming the street corner. I know there are a lot of things we could discuss but when the only comment he can fall back on is the stupid MAGA thing, you know he has run out of things to say. I have to hope that the likes are starting to drop for his imbecilic attention craved pathetic attempts at recognition. The entire Republican establishment needs to step up and disown this moron before he accidentally tries to stick his wiener in the Resolute Desk asking his advisors if it's funny and then closing the drawer as hard as he can. Actually I'd kind of like to see that.

Friday, August 31, 2018

Take on the Cruz-Trump love fest

I liked it better when Trump would call him Lyin' Ted and make fun of his ugly wife and imply his dad killed JFK. Not because a normal person detained that treatment but because Ted Cruz is a spineless weasel who deserves everything coming to him

Now Trump is going to go to the biggest stadium he can find in Texas (hi Jerry!!) and likely use the opportunity to talk about himself for two hours and then maybe mention Cruz for a second.

Then hopefully Cruz loses to this Beto guy and Trump goes back to bashing Cruz like a belligerent drunk at a Yankee-Red Sox game.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Take on the National Enquirer thing

I know they got the John Edwards thing right but I always assumed that was the blind squirrel finding the nut scenario.
To me the biggest mistake for Trump was to ever use the National Enquirer for anything other than the grocery store rag it is. It seems to me the only reason that the trove of Trump stories that are going to leak now have any juice is because he legitimized them by trying to buy them all. If he had ignored them -like any normal person would- it would have gotten a day of press and he could have just said it was fake news and nobody would have shrugged. But now we're all dying to find out which prostitutes he had pee on him, which babies he has fathered with illegal immigrants and which aliens have visited him at Trump Tower

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Take on Jeff Sessions

Trump gets Jeff Sessions for a lot of reasons but none more than the fact he has that Alabama accent and doesn't have an Ivy League pedigree This is obviously more than a bit ironic as Trump's base very much sounds like Sessions and none of them have an Ivy League anything. But this is the world we live in, Trump gets away with anything because his fanboys can see no wrong even when they are the ones being directly insulted by Trump