Friday, October 31, 2014

Take on Elsaween

I have a five year old daughter so of course she insisted on one thing
this Halloween. It wasn't to stay up late or to stuff herself full of
candy, the only thing she wanted was to don a blue dress and white
gloves. I tried to reason with her, I plead with her, threatened
her, tried to bribe her but nothing worked, Elsa overpowers all.
What is wrong with a scientist, an astronaut or a cat?? Sadly,
nothing compares to the power of Elsa and she could not be talked out
of it.

So instead of something original, she went to school today along with
fifty other girls dressed exactly the same, the place looked like a
North Korean prison camp with everybody dressed alike

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Take on the new Victoria Secret ad

Saw an uproar over the latest Victoria Secret ads because apparently
certain women are taking offense to the "The Perfect Body" theme they
have going on. Maybe it's because all the chicks are hot, toned,
skinny and have huge breasts or maybe it's because they all appear
white but it sounds like somebody pissed in the mashed potatoes of an
entire ground of people who are probably not nearly as skinny, big
breasted or white. But the truth is that having somebody define the
perfect body has been going on forever, Michelangelo created the
perfect man he didn't give him a bowed legs, a small winky and a beer

Now I like a little meat on the bone but Victoria Secret has been
using the same algorithm to pick their models for ages, not sure why
now there is an uproar.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

take on Jose Canseco

he dream is over.   Jose Canseco's return to baseball has been
derailed by a self inflicted gunshot wound when he shot off his middle
finger while cleaning out his gun.   Now you may ask why somebody
would have any interest in Canseco and should feel for him and his
latest tragedy, I remind you that he is the author of the greatest
story ever sold.

Canseco is more than his million dollar arms, his $1000 smile and his
$2 head, he's a legend.  He single-handedly brought down the steroid
era with his inside the locker room allegations in his tell-all book,
but even that isn't his greatest accomplishment, nor was his 40-40
season.   His greatest accomplishment was having the world believe the
head that the ball bounced off into the stands belonged to him when in
fact it was his twin brother Ozzie's head which serves as the
springboard for the greatest play in baseball history.

ball hits off of Ozzie's head

this wasn't the first time that Ozzie stood in for Jose

Ozzie impersonated Jose at Celebrity Apprentice and VH1's the surreal life

so we can only hope that Ozzie was standing in for Jose this time, too..  and if not, the least Ozzie could do now is offer him one middle finger, since we know all Ozzie needs is a head

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Take on the line for a bus pass

How could it be that in 2014 you still have to wait on some endless
line to buy a bus pass. NJ transit is horrible but at least they have
(very slow) ticket machines but get to one if the other bus companies
like Coachline or Academy and you are waiting in a kind which is
longer than free Ebola vaccinations, all for the pleasure of deal with
some of the most brain dead grumps in the entire world who make you
feel like selling a ticket for a bus is the equivalent of buying a

Monday, October 27, 2014

Take on the future

It took me an hour and twenty five minutes to get to work today which
is more or less standard and as I sat in traffic I begged the good
lord to come up with a solution. Well when I walked out of hell on
earth aka Port Authority, my future awaited. Some dude wearing a
tinfoil gay with a huge sign stating he had figured out the traffic
problem. We'd not talking Gridlock Sam solutions of avoiding certain
roads or highways but a solution which would change all commuting for
The solution is personal airplanes that land like helicopters on the
roofs of NYC buildings which sounds about as reasonable as catching
Ebola from a bowling ball

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Take on the discount coldcut

When I saw a bunch of organic turkey on sale, I knew something must be
rotten in Denmark, or better yet in Target. The meat was marked down
more than 50% but still hanging in the same refrigerated display case
right next to all the other processed meats. It looked like a deal
too good to be true and when I looked at the expiration date,
10/15/14, on the package I knew why. Being that it was 10/23/14, it
almost seemed like the deal hey were offering wasn't good enough. If
I wanted discounted expired organic meat I need at least a 75%
discount before I am interested.

I guess they simply balance preservatives with an extended calendar.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Take on the random Asian

I probably know more Asians than most people, went to a high school
that was 55% Asian, have seen both Depeche Mode and Erasure in
concert, Have been to Asia more often than just about anybody I know
and I have a long history of dating Asian chicks but even with all
that assumed knowledge, you'd think I wouldn't catch myself in
completely embarrassing situations.

I ran into some Asian guy who went to college with a great Asian
friend of mine about twenty years ago. He immediately recognized me
but even after he mentioned twenty people we knew in common, I
couldn't really place him although I played it off fairly well. It
wasn't till he said his name, Tommy Kim* (name changed to protect the
innocent), that I sort of remembered him. I didn't look like a total
dipshit but when he reminded me that ,coincidentally, I also knew his
wife, Susan Kim* (name changed to protect the innocent), who I went to
high school with, I knew he thought that there was no way I remembered

Anyway, fast forward an hour and some Asian chick walks up to me and
says "you look familiar". She looks as familiar to me as any random
Asian chick would and for a second I think that maybe I've hit that
spot in my life where I can't tell anybody apart but not wanting to
admit to it, I say "yes, Susan Kim* we went to high-school together,
you are married to Tommy Kim". She looks at me and says, "I'm not
Tommy* Kim's wife Susan* Kim, I'm Laurie Kim*, married to Tony
Kim*(name changed to protect the innocent Asian)

I ducking knew I didn't know her but because she said she knew me, I
assumed that it must be Susan Kim.

Now I am sure Tommy Kim is going to tell my buddy that his high-school
boy is a racist cracker who can't tell Asians apart.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, October 24, 2014

take on the gay sitcom

saw a headline on today stating "rooting for TV's longest running gay-marriage to fail" and before I clicked the link I racked my brain trying to figure out which one it was

- I'm guessing The New Normal sucks
-  Ellen isn't a sitcom, so it wouldn't qualify and I'm not even sure she's still married to Rosie
- My Two Dads has been off the air for like two decades
- Maybe it's the new Al Bundy show with the big fat gay guy and the skinny dorky one, but why would you root for that one to end considering they have that little Mexican kid
- Orange is the new Black is about a prison I think, not sure if there is any gay-marriage

well, I click on the link and apparently there is a gay couple in Grey's Anatomy which surprised me for two reasons
- I had no idea this show was still on the air
- I had no idea there was a gay couple on it.

anyway, good for them good for ABC (or NBC I can't remember) and good for us because nobody wants to see a good gay marriage succeed like we do, or don't..

also, the chick in the picture has a weird Shannen Doherty type eye with one sitting in the middle of her face and the other looking like it belongs to Sloth from Goonies..

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Take on the Ebola thing

Every couple of days there is a new scare when somebody who got in
contact with somebody who knows somebody who has Ebola decides to go
out for a beer. I get that we should put anybody who has ever
travelled to Africa, knows anybody who has ever travelled to Africa or
been in vicinity of anybody who knows anybody who has ever been to
Africa or has ever seen The Gods Must be Crazy but somehow this
becomes like the Kevin Bacon thing and before long we're all sitting
in a closed room. Now I am not saying that a doctor who has been
elbow deep in an Ebola case's ahole should be going bowling but some
of this is getting a bit ridiculous. There have been 3 confirmed cases
in a country of 300,000,000 (not counting the ones coming over the Rio
Grande) and we're taking this thing more seriously than a billion
other things which kill way more people in this country.

I sort of take it this way, don't go and lick the floor of an Ebola
ward, don't stick your tongue in the five-hole of an Ebola patient and
don't touch anybody on an airplane ever.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Take on Rene Zellweger's face

All the talk the last few days is Rene Zellweger's face which went
from looking like it was stung by a thousand bees to looking like a
Meredith Vieira clone. I get that people want to improve their look
but somehow the Botox thing is one that never quite looks right. One
day you look like Joan Crawford and the next you look like Joan
But it's particularly sad when it happens to somebody like Zellweger
because only a few years ago she was primed to become America's
sweetheart when she made at least two grown men cry during Jerry
Maguire with her little chubby face and now she looks like Cher whose
clone has made at least one man cry in his Coorslite

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Take on red

Years ago I was out to dinner and a friend of one of the people I was
hanging out with was going to meet us for a drink before they went out
dancing. I was already approaching old-fart territory, so I wasn't
going to join them (nor was I asked to)

I knew the two were going out because the one chick was having issues
with her boyfriend and she needed a night out to clear her mind and
blow off some steam. I didn't think much of it when she showed up but
every chick at the table commented on her red shirt. It wasn't
anything all that out of the ordinary, not lower cut or more revealing
than anything but when one said "see you decided to wear red" the
other one giggled

It took some prodding but apparently girls looking to hook up will
consciously wear red and all chicks around her know this. It's some
kind of magic sign that they are all aware of and if two chicks show
up in red it could mean fireworks (of a three-way). Maybe this is the
equivalent if a dog peeing on a lawn but this would have been very
good information to have been privy to when I was single

Monday, October 20, 2014

Take on the 59 degree Polar Vortex

Is there anything more ridiculous than the way people dress when the
temperature drops below 60 for the first time in the fall? As
@ordiomongo pointed out so eloquently, people acted like the city is
going through a polar vortex this morning. I get not wanting to die
of frostbite but the different between 61 and 59 is only two degrees
but apparently also the difference between rational thought and
thinking you are living in an igloo
What annoys me most about this is that you sit on a bus next to a guy
wearing one of those Stay Puft sub-zero, artic edge puffy jacket which
means that they have made the conscious decision to invade my entire
personal space

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Take on the immunity boost

When you write a daily complain blog, you sometimes have to find a way
to see the brighter side of things. Sometimes it's the fact that
seven people actually read your rants (hello CF, CN, OM, DB, SS, JM
and RL), other times it actually let's you serve as a public
announcement for the betterment of the world (uggs in the summer) but
mostly it allows you to find a place to get out your anger and I read
recently that this act alone can help you live longer. Supposedly
by releasing energy you can get a boost of energy like a bottle of
five-hour energy without the whiskey-dick, which boosts health and
increases immunity.
Who knows, maybe they'll find the only people able to fight off Ebola
are the ones who complain the most

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Take on the Uggs

Is there a worse look than some broad walking around in 79 degree
weather wearing a dress with uggs? Uggs are an awful look in winter
but during an Indian Summer with pale legs it's atrocious. If you
want to wear boots, go leather knee-highs, otherwise put on some 3
inch heels and be done with it

Friday, October 17, 2014

Take on Ebola

Ebola is no joking matter but when I talk with people about what
should be done, some of the suggestions are comical. Close the
borders, quarantine loads of people and burn planes to the ground are
all suggestions I've heard this week. I get that getting Ebola under
control is important but I am not sure that Obama's call on an Ebola
Czar is going to go any better than the president's Drug Czar or the
Teenage Sex Czar. These Czar's always seem to get a lot of press
and then fizzle out when it turns our they are just two-bit
politicians looking for exposure.
Closing the boarders to anybody who has been to Africa seems a bit
extreme and considering how well closing boarders works in Mexico, I
am not sure how effective it will even be. Quarantining people makes
sense when they are infected but suggestions of quarantining entire
flights seems a bit excessive and burning down planes is probably a
good idea if for no other reason than some of those 737's are really
dingy looking.

Here is an idea, why don't we lock anybody with Ebola up inside the
congressional hall along with all members of congress, we'll keep the
disease confined amongst victims and play a little game of Darwin with
some of the worst people in America at the same time

Anyway, showing up at the airport with a homemade Ebola outfit is
going to lead to some ridicule but if that's the only way you see
yourself making it to Disney World, more power to you

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Take on Sammy Sosa's bleached face

Back in 1998 when the world was captivated by the McGwire and Sammy
Sosa as they chased Roger Maris' home run record*, both guys had their
faces plastered everywhere. McGwire looked like a juiced up James
Hetfield while Sammy looked like a Macy's day parade balloon of fat
kid in Little Rascals. The entire season felt magical and for a brief
second you thought that baseball didn't suck

Fast forward 16 years and after the congressional hearings,
investigations, HOF snubs and shrinking ball-sacks, neither player has
any of the luster he had back when chicks dug the long ball, McGwire's
slowly rebuilding his reputation within baseball as a ball boy or
bullpen catcher or something but Sosa's stayed out of the limelight.
I figured he's gone into hiding in the Dominican Republic which might
make sense since, as far as Congress knows, he doesn't speak any
English but now it's come out that he might have been hiding in plain
sight, you just don't recognize him anymore because he's pulled a
Michael Jackson and apparently bleaching his face to look more like
BigMac who always looked like he was doused in acid

Anyway, he sucks, McGwire sucks and baseball sucks. The only that
doesn't suck is George Brett who is great

$10 says Sam Sosa played hide the bat with BigMac that year..

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Take on Kim Jong Un

Is there a more despicable looking human than the fat toad running
North Korea?? This guy rules over a third world country, constantly
devaluating the currency to prop up a huge military machine all while
his people starve and his infrastructure he made all
Koreans get a mandatory terrible haircut which is even more insulting
to common decency
But really what bothers me is that he has somehow gotten fatter and
uglier as he's taken over and consolidated power. Maybe living the
good life of whiskey, porn and Kimchee has gotten the better of him
but between his rice bowl haircut, mental patient reverse hand clap
thing and his gigantic second chin, you'd almost forget that he's
allegedly hung like a peanut. But if that isn't bad, this Korean
marshmallow looks like he has put on 50 pounds since taking over for
his daddy a few years ago. Sometimes weight is good but in this case
it's the total opposite he filled out his Korean layer of blubber to
look like a walking manatee.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Take on the sperm bank mixup

Not sure if you have been following the story of the two women suing
their sperm bank when their daughter was born a slightly darker shade
than they ordered online because everybody knows ordering a baby
should be treated the same was as ordering a new pair of boots
Supposedly there was a mix-up with the tech handing them a vial of the
chocolate 330 vial instead of the vanilla 380 vial and nine months
later everybody was asking the one lesbian mom if she had an affair
with Patrick Ewing.

I get that you don't get what paid for but after your daughter is born
and she is adorable, maybe you just thank the good lord for a healthy
kid and stop all this bullcrap public lawyering up.

One of the major arguments they have is that in their racist town, a
mixed baby will be discriminated against. If you were so worried
about your town being racist, I'd have to think the townsfolk are
probably not huge fans of homosexuals either, maybe it's time to move.

So, Jennifer Cramblett and Amanda Zinkon, how much compensation do you
need to make dragging your two year old daughter through this? What's
fair for having her picture now plastered all over the news and
everybody knowing that she isn't white enough for you?

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, October 13, 2014

Take on Antrel Rolle

After the Giants were undressed by the Eagles last night, Antrel Rolle
thought it was time to take the attention off of the Giants anemic
offense and offended anybody with tasted by donning a pink tuxedo
jacket during his post-game press conference....a pink tuxedo jacket.
It's not just that it was pink, it had this terrible shimmer to it
which made him look like a black Ken doll.
I get the entire "real men wear pink" thing but to borrow a line from
Cris Carter.. "come on man". You are not going to the Emmy's, it's
12:30 and Bruce Beck is asking you about Cover-2. This look is bad
when you win but coming out of a loss to your arch rivals, Giant fans
want you humbled after all the trash talking they heard all week not
looking like you are about to go to Junior Prom

Plus, a three hour bus ride back wearing that thing can't be comfortable

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Take on the security protocol

My building has had the same doorman for decades but at some point
they decided that the doormen needed more responsibility so they added
Fire Marshall and security duties to go along with the arduous task of
asking people to sign their names in some ridiculous book while not
checking whether the guy with the backpack overflowing with wires is
actually named Mickey Mouse. That all changed a decade ago and now
we have fancy magnetic cards that allow us to get through security
with a beep scan although there isn't actually a gate we're walking
through. The beep seems to be as effective as the "close door" button
in the elevator.
Well the beauty of a small building is when the dude needs to take a
leak, the entire security protocol goes out the window. Instead of a
screaming Frenchmen, there is now a small sign which states that the
security officer will return shortly. No problem criminals,
terrorist, sex offenders, drunks and crazy ex-girlfriends, come on
in..the coast is clear.