Saturday, February 28, 2015

Take on metzitzah d'peh

I'm all for religious freedom as long as it's not perverse. I get there are ancient rituals and oddities that have cultural significant but I think it is time to stop the madness. A woman should be allowed to drive a car or vote, savages shouldn't burn people alive in the name of Islam, pervert priest should not be allowed to rape young boys and girls with their church systematically covering it up and a man should not out his mouth on a baby's genitals to suck the blood off of a newly circumcised boy.
I get that there are circumstance and historical situations that I don't understand but I do understand civility and basic human rights and know that any extreme version of religion is perverse, unhealthy and fanatical.

Bill de Blasio once again showed how gutless he is when he negotiated some backdoor agreement with the ultra orthodox Jewish community to allow this sickening and quite dangerous practice of circumcision to continue despite the fact it is dangerous because a bunch of these mohels have herpes and are transmitting them to young boys causing brain damage. Which is somehow the least sickening part of the entire process because there is no place in this world where some dude should ever put his mouth on a baby's junk.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Take on the dress

I have never quite seen a phenomenon like the color of the dress thing that took over the interweb yesterday. It's as if the world had divided into two camps, both staunch defenders of what their eyes told them.

I ran an informal poll amongst friends and family and it ran basically as expected. 47% saw it as some version of blue and black, 49% saw it as gold and white, my mom saw it as purple and gray and a buddy (who is colorblind) saw it at green and purple and one guy said it looked like a llama. What is most interesting was how adamant and even hostile some people could get with this. I've seen people send over studies and articles "proving" that what they see is correct as if their eye sight ability shows them to be superior. I saw another theory that happier people saw it as gold and people more prone to depression saw the blue and black and I've read people theorize it has to do with how much sex you get which is pretty sad being that my wife and I saw it in different ways, her implying tons of sex and me on a miserable white and gold drought

Anyway you people are all clueless because this dress is as gold and white as the sky is blue

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Take on hell on earth

If there truly is a hell I imagine the entrance looks like the subway entrance in Times Square on the corner of Broadway and 43rd street. There is no place more claustrophobic than this exact entrance and if somebody gets crushed to their death near there I would not be surprised. On the best day there are two working turnstiles for a sea of people which extends the line to get in onto the two flights of stairs into Times Square and its sea of tourist humanity, on the worst days there is only one working turnstiles and the backup seems like it goes on to 59th street. For all the improvements I always hear the Times Square redevelopment committees tout, I'd like to see one that actually benefits the working men and women of this city and not just the hobos, tourist and the naked Cowboys.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

take on the white and black conundrum

Ever notice that it a woman says she's not into black guys or Latino guys people shrug it off when she says something like "I'm just not attracted to them" yet when a dude says they aren't attracted to a black or Latino woman they are immediately branded as racists.  I'm not here to cry boohoo for the poor white male but do think it is an interesting phenomenon.  

then again when a white dude says he is into Asian chicks people just assume you are a pervert..and there isn't a white chick in the world who would go Asian

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Take on transsexual porn

Rad a tweet that straight men consume the most transsexual porn which supposed to be shocking being that they are, well, straight but probbalybmotnthqtvsurpiaijf if you put some thought to it. First of all, there are probably a fair amount of men who identify themselves as straight who are in fact not, so the study may in itself be flawed but what is probably more telling is that his isn't a percentage, it's a total number and I would be venture to guess that the demographic group who watches the most aggregated porn is straight men anyway. There have certainly been times when clicking through the thousands of links on YouPorn, a man may accidentally click on one which isn't completely kosher
Lastly can the group of people that is turned on specifically by watching transsexual is probably pretty small, so it could easily be that the total amount of transsexual porn being watched is really small to begin with

Or straight men love chicks with dicks, who knows

Monday, February 23, 2015

Take on the emoji keyboard

I got the iPhone 6 last week which meant that I also finally upgraded to the new iOS. I had not done it before only because my iPhone 5 was so full that I didn't have the memory to allow me to download it.

The new OS is fine but I did find one annoyance. For some reason there is no a default on the keyboard app which brings up a full emoji keyboard. What is more annoying is that it is located right between the side bar and the 123 toggle button to get to the numerical keyboard, so you constantly strike it accidentally and instead of typing "all Asian girls are.." You type πŸ©πŸŒ†πŸŒ†πŸ©πŸ¨πŸ₯πŸ—ΎπŸ©πŸ±πŸ—πŸ½πŸΆπŸ‘πŸ€⛪️😝😚

And why the hell are there fifty thousand house emojis anyway?? Is somebody trying to draw out a neighborhood?? This entire emoji thing has gotten so out of hand. I'm fine with the occasional ;) or whatever but to have entire conversations happen with pictures seems like we're playing a never ending game of pictionary

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Take on patriotism

Is there anything lamer than two national politicians having a pissing match about who loves their country more? We know that Rudy Guiliani loves exactly 911 things about the USA do there is no questioning his loyalty and we're pretty sure Obama loves at least ten things including ice cream, peanut butter and the general acceptance of socialism by the masses so that is good enough for me. Giuliani has been on a rampage recently calling Obama every name in the book and making sure he mentions that he knows a few black people so he isn't racist for calling him out. The NY Times immediately took up Obama's case and highlighted about 8 times when Obama mentioned something positive although even they had to acknowledge was that it usually came right before a gigantic "but..." Literally they found 8 sentences where he expressed genuine love of the country. This guy has been a national figure for a decade and he has less than 10 quotes that are even remotely positive
Ant then when you even look at those most of the time he ended his love fest with a "so although I love the USA we are really bad at doing this or that".
Anyway, they are all idiots and they all hate our country and they should all move to Kenya or Russia or Cuba and drop dead

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Take on the crime of snow shoveling

When we read this week that the cops were called on two kids who walked around a neighborhood offering their services to shovel driveways and stoops we were flabbergasted.   The charge was that they were soliciting work without a license which is about as idiotic a charge for a  industrious teenager you can come up with.   In a world where we always complain about how lazy the youngest generation has gotten, we've finally come full circle and are now trying to stifle their desire to make a buck doing honest teenage work, these guys weren't robbing houses or selling weed.  
Anyway, I now realize that I broke the law hundreds of times as kid as I went door to door offering my snow shoveling services at the first sight of a snowflake and will proudly tell my kids that and hope they follow my lead. 

The best part of the story though was the following throw away comment in the article 

Chief Jannone said the danger from the storm was real: About three minutes after the officers had left the shovelers, their patrol car slid in the snow into a telephone pole, causing $11,000 worth of damage.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, February 20, 2015

Take on the NFL coaches fashion show

For all the talk of not kissing rings, Bill Belichick and Rex Ryan seemed to be getting along rather well at the combine today with both showing up wearing outfits which probably made more of a story than anything they will find out about in terms of weight and height of defensive ends today

Sexy Rexy showed up looking svelte in a Thurman Thomas jersey as if he was som drained fan in section 345 row Z at Ralph Wilson stadium but somehow his walking partner took the cake to the boisterous Ryan again
See Rex thought he'd show up with the best outfit at the 8th grade dance but will probably be disappointed by losing out to his larger breasted and sluttier nemesis again when they announce the winner is...Bill Belichick with his custom "Bill Belichick" hoodie. As much as this guy is a grumpy old cheating troll, he does show glimmers of personality when he does something like this

When is the NFL going to address their findings in Deflate-gate anyway? I'm guessing they will do it on Good Friday at about 6pm

Thursday, February 19, 2015

take on the worst haircut in the history of the world

just saw a picture of Kim Jong Un's new haircut and since this is exactly the kind of news you expect TOR to cover, we will take it up in detail..   

What the hell is with the top, it's like the guy asked him barber to cut an anvil on the top of his head.

Why the hell did he decide to also sculpt a couple of Hitler 'staches into his eyebrows.. Maybe he's trying to instill an extra level of fear into his people but even that seems odd because his subjects live in such an ass-backwards place they may not even know who Adolf Hitler was..

How many Korean's are standing behind him keeping that bouffant up like that?

Does he realize that this terrible haircut only make his already over-sized head look about 10000 times bigger than it already is?

How much weight has this slob put on since we first laid eyes on him about four years ago?  The guy looks like he ate Park Geun-hye

is this just his way of flaunting his exuberance to the world?   My people may not have cable TV, food or wireless service but we are able to keep a man's gigantic head look even more gigantic

why do so many world leaders have such terrible haircuts.. Hitler looks like a rapist, Stalin had a stash like a porn star, Mussolini looked like Uncle Fester, Napoleon looked like a kid-toucher 

interesting enough, Mao had the opposite haircut of Kim Jong Un... nothing on top, everything on the sides 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Take on the Route 91 highway graffiti

Whenever I drive north of Route 91 heading towards Hartford one
particular sign catches my eye. It is an otherwise nondescript sign
for Route 91 but high above this four lane highway, some idiot spray
painted some kind of 9/11 conspiracy theory message on it. I won't
spend another second on the 9/11 was an inside job thing as addressing
it is not worth the paper it's written on but what is impressive is
how some guy was able to get up there to spray paint it. This isn't
one of those signs that is connected to a bridge or an overpass, this
thing is a free-standing sign which spans the four lanes and is easily
25 feet above the road. Not only that but the place where they
spray-painted it is not on the side of the road but directly in the
center of the highway.
I often wonder why this sign hasn't been cleaned since it's been
graffitied almost 2 years ago (I checked this out and there are online
mentions of this from the summer of 2013). Anyway, maybe the
Connecticut Department of Highways just appreciated the effort the
trapeze artist put into spray painting this...or the head of that
department is a conspiracy nut himself.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Take on the BCC etiquette

Years ago I was on an email list blog from some crazy chick which I had gotten on a decade earlier

She would almost always send it out these huge emails but with the cardinal sin of
sending out the rants as a CC instead of as a BCC.
This brings up the etiquette of the BCC because like herpes,
when this thing takes on a life of its own, it's nearly impossible to

whenever she sent out as a CC I'd get this for the following 6 hours

"Remove me"

"Take me off this list, please"

"Can you idiots who want off the list not send that to everybody"

"Hey C, love the stuff but I'm tied up with a lot of stuff at work and
trying to keep my inbox clean. Let's catch up soon"

"Team Hassler"

"What did I tell you idiots about not replying all??"

"Hey jerk, do you realize that by sending that message to the entire
list it only perpetuates the problem"

"Whatever happened to Tim?"

" I think he got aids and died"

"I loved Tim, RIP"

"RIP Tim, love you man"

"I just saw Tim last month, he seemed to be so healthy for having an
advanced stage of AIDS"

"How come Magic Johnson lives a thousand years with AIDS and the good
God takes Tim so young??"

"You people are idiots, stop replying-all, Tim isn't dead"

"What the hell are you talking about, Tim is dead have some compassion"

"RIP Tim"

"He lived a good life :poursoutforty:"


"Yeah, just stop"

"Can I please be removed, I didn't know Tim but he seems like he was good guy"

"Sorry for your loss"

"C. are you guys taking donations for Tim?"

"Yeah, seems we should do something, we were like his family"

"How about a fund for all the illegitimate kids he sired?"

"Remove me"

"What ever happened to that guy who uses all those emoticons?"

"Hey guys    "

"sTOp RepLYINg to aLL"

"Mass murder on our hands"

"More like a ransom note"

"RIP Tim, died too young"

"So I took this girl BBC, then TOC and then bent her over and did her
reverse Asian cowgirl and blew my load in her mouth"

"How about TOR?"

"Is that the stupid blog about high heels and farts that Cathy is
always pimping?"

"Go team Hassler"

"So toddler was telling her friends that her mom has bigger boobs than
I do and it really pissed me off n'ah mean? Then I had this Chinese
rice over noodles and it looked like the time I went our with Brady in
K-town and we for drunk and I threw up all over the subway and it
looked like bibimbap"

"Thanks for the visual, get me off this list"

"Sir Aaron Rodgers has banged more hot Northern California poon than
there are idiots on this list "

"Wait, Tim is dead??"

"I just for back from a week in Croatia and my inbox is full of shit
and now I hear that Tim is dead, this week sucks"

"We need more of those sex stories from the guy who goes to
Brazil..and photos of McDonald's"

"remove me please"

"stop replying all..RIP Tim"

"Have I told you guys about the time some Japanese businessman shoved
a cantaloupe up my ass while shoving a gun in my mouth"

"A what??"

"This is getting good"


"I am going to get a court order to remove me from this list"

"Remove me"

"I want off..but RIP Tom"

"You mean Tim? Or is Tom dead, too?"

"I loved Tom"

"Who is Tom, the only Tom we ever had was a friend of Righetti who
asked to be taken off the list"

"How do I get off this list??"

"Can somebody find Tom and ask him how he got off this list"

"I thought Tom was dead?"

"Tim is dead, not Tom"

"Ok, thanks for clearing that up,,sounded bad there for a while"

"Anybody want to see a photo of my meat curtains?"



"Everybody has seen your meat curtains"

"You people trying to get off the list need to stop sending that to everybody"

"Yeah send it to Chaniqua, she's the list administrator"

"...then I went back to the front desk and asked for Gloria who I went
at it with last month,   she's always ready to go bareback
and doesn't mind if I choke her a bit"

"Tim never seemed happy, hope he has found it in heaven..Henri"


"they call me mellow yellow"

"who calls you that?"

"F Tim"

"not nice, have some respect"

"sorry I meant F'in Tim, I'm very upset"

"Did those two gay guys ever get married?"

"Yes we did and it was glorious"

"I want off this list, as I believe marriage should be between a man
and woman only"

"Shut up Brady and get back to bed"


"Sleep well my sweet prince Tim...and Tom"

Monday, February 16, 2015

Take on the weather

It is so cold in NYC this morning that the tip of my winkie felt like
it was stuck between Furley and Jack in that ice locker. I can't
tell you exactly how cold with the wind chill but I'd be shocked if it
was a degree over 0.
It wasn't just the fact my ballsack was cold, my IPhone battery was
dead after four emails and three text messages.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Take on the new Twitter advertisement campaign

For the last few days whenever I launch Twotter I am getting bombarded
with gay advertisements. I don't know what link I accidentally clicked
to get onto the HunkaBunka feed but it seems they have me caught and I
can't get out.

One day it's Hookd which I think is the Tinder for gay sex, the next
day it's an ad for Equinox which trumpets the sauna's way more than
the weights

Time to click on a few hooters ads to get out of this cycle

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Take in Valentines Day

There is no bigger scam holiday than Valentines day. Hallmark has
taken an otherwise completely random day in freezing cold February and
convinced the American consumer to spend $100 on a bouquet of $25
flowers. Flowers which when delivered generally look like they have
been trampled on by a herd of elephants because, well, flowers don't
grow well in the winter and sending them across the country in a UPS
truck is about as good for them as peeling on them. But it is not
just adults they lure into this madness, my daughter came home from
Kindergarten with bags full of candy and and other assorter junk for
no good reason. Why people feel compelled to spend their hard
earned money on something as idiotic as Valentines day is beyond me.

Oh well, let the fun begin

Friday, February 13, 2015

Take on the hit(less) streak

Saw a report today that NYC is in the midst of a Joe D type streak, 11
days without a homicide. I was shocked seeing this as murder in parts
of this city seem as common as lukewarm dirty water dogs in Times
I've been trying to figure out what the hell happened. I doubt it has
anything to do with police presence, less overall crime, better race
relations or less violent video games...the reason is that NYC is like
3 degrees right now, everybody is stuck inside so there is a much
smaller chance of getting shot

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Take on the $20 jumpsuit

There are bad looks out there and eat then there are really bad looks
and the new H&M $19.99 takes the cake. Not only is this thing
completely ridiculous looking it doesn't at all seem functional. So
here goes a chick dressed like Luke Skywalker in heels, which is a
look that would even make Mark Hamill blush, and then she realizes
that she's had one too many double extra foam lattes so she has to go
to the can. How does this work, does she have to strip completely
naked to take a leak??

Maybe it comes with one of those ass-openings like the kid pajamas
which could also have a second use.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Take on the guy who refuses to lift a finger

In my 39 years on the fine earth I have learned one thing..There are
two types of people in this world...ones who help pack their groceries
and ones who stand there like pieces of shit.
I get that you believe some snot nosed kid should be at your beck and
call at all time because you and your big Lexus SUV should be waited
on but sometimes being a human gets in the way of your life. But it is
not just that helping out humanize you a bit, it also speeds up the
process for everyboy. I will alway help pack my own groceries even
when I am with all three kids because..well I don't believe that being
civil is a character flaw and if nothing else it means the guy behind
me with three screaming kids gets out of there just a little bit

Get off your IPhone and lift a finger.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Take on the handjob parking job

Driving around the great state of New Jersey you really wonder how the
hell this place functions. The taxes are outrageous, the cronyism
perverse, the weather horrible, the congestion insufferable and the
people ridiculously tanned but worse than that is for a state which is
95% highway, people drive like absolute idiots. Take for example the
handjob who parked his Nissan at the supermarket parking lot last
weekend, people in this state treat the parking lot lines like they do
the personal space on an airplane or a Springsteen concert..happily
plopping half of their gut on your lap. I don't mind a little elbow
of a knee which makes it way over the imaginary line but when you
start stretching out into my seat, I get annoyed. This is the same
thing that happens in the parking lot as every ahole believes it's
their right to take up four parking spots for their Nissan Altima as
apparently getting over-tanned and fist bumping to Z100 should mean
you also get special treatment in the parking lot

Monday, February 9, 2015

Take on the new Cinderella

Saw a sign in Times Square today for the new Disney feature, Cinderella.  I'd undoubtedly get dragged to see this thing at some point but when I saw the ad, that might not be such a bad thing.  From the screenshot photo, it seems Cinderella has..umm...Grown Up a bit.     She went from some lame cartoon to some sex kitten overnight with her dressed in a plunging halter top in her iconic blue dress.  

Just hoping that at the stoke of midnight those balloons don't pop 

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Take on the Am I Going Down app

If you hate flying but love statistics, we have found the app for you.
The Am I Going Down app allows potential flyers to do some risk
management when they choose which specific flight to take. Now I am
not sure if it's based on previous flight accident statistics on any
given route or a more complicated algorithm based on a combo of length
of flight, airport landing difficulty, runway length, airspace
analysis and whether or not it's a Malaysian airline but for the
skittish traveller I'm sure this will make them feel a lot better
Our only suggestion for the app is to offer a money back guarantee if
the person who bought it dies in a plane crash

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Take on men's winter shoe options

The NY Times styles section has a feature this weekend about one of
the great conundrums known to's not whether there is a God or
whether Bruce Jenner is is fact changing into a woman but it has much
further reaching implications. There just isn't a good option for
professional men when it comes to snow-gear. I have walked to work a
thousand times when the weather sucks and have suffered from pond foot
every single time. It is not that I don't own snow boots but it's
that wearing big hunky boots with slacks and a button down shirt makes
you look like a gigantic jackass. A straight man really has no option
because any self respecting one would not (and should not) ever wear a
skinny fuzzy snow-boot just like they should never carry a purse, so
until somebody comes up with an acceptable male snow or rain boot, an
entire population is stuck with wet feet and ruined leather shoes

Friday, February 6, 2015

Take on Brian Williams

I've read every lame excuse Brian Williams has given and none of them
make any sense

He says he misremembered whether he was in a helicopter that was fired
upon when the facts came out they he was in a different helicopter an
hour later

I can believe misremembering certain things but not others

I can't say for certain what I had for lunch on Monday, might have
been a dirty gyro or maybe a wrap but but I am 100% sure I never
snorted coke off of Pamela Anderson's ass

I may misremember where I first heard Every Rose has its Thorn but I
would be 100% sure whether I bagged Tiffani Amber Thiessen to it in

I may not remember my flight number from last week but I would not
misremember whether that plane got fucking shot down

Brian Williams should stick himself in a deep dark cave with Hillary
Clinton and Paul Ryan and get ass rammed by a Humvee full of ISIS
assholes and tell us if they remember getting shot at then...or what
their time in the Chicago marathon was

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Take on Korean Food

Most of the time you worry about leaving Vegas smelling like
strawberry jubilee but this time I have a different problem. had a
great dinner last night but when I got on the plane today I feel like
puking. It's not that the food was bad, it was in fact great, or that
I drank too much, which I did, but the reason I want to puke is
because my jeans and sweater have that Korean food smell to them.
Anybody who has ever sat in front of one of those Korean BBQ's with
the thousands of kimchee options knows what I am talking about because
between the fermented radish ass farts and the stink of day old
bulgogi on your pants, sitting next to me must be a total joy for the
dude sitting in 10B

Luckily for him it's only a 5 hour flight.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Take on the Vegas price conundrum

As I checked into the Planet Hollywood hotel at $79 per night last
night something struck me. The guy ahead if me on line was checking
into the same hotel, at probably the same rate yet her showed up with
a woman who must have cost him 5x that. Is there some kind of price
point where you wonder the girl outclasses the hotel?? I guess they
are not all that concerned about it and this isn't exactly Julia
Roberts but you don't wear a $1000 suit to go and eat at the local

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Take on GoGo inflight

Flying cross country is miserable which is inky slightly improved by
being able to surf the web using the GoGo inflight thing even if the
service is slow. What we have noticed though is how expensive it's
gotten. It seems that just a year or two ago, it would cost you $9.99
per flight while now they are banging you for $10 for a one-hour
window. What bothers us even more than the price is that the
three they offer you on the main page aren't the best deal and are
definitely not the best option for most people. Who the hell wants to
buy a monthly pass or even an all day one..give us the one for this

When you view all passes, you find a three hour pass for $20 and then
one for the duration of e flight for $21.99. I cannot imagine why
they wouldn't put those offers on the top of their page...well except
of course that they are greedy

Anyway, for $22 you get service which we have already said is better
than staring at the seat in front of you but it's on track to become
so expensive you won't want to pay it anymore. Somebody get me a
SkyMall magazine

Monday, February 2, 2015

Take on Johnny Football's rehab

We don't root for heartbreak, we don't root for injury and we don't
root for personal demons so when we saw that Johnny Football decided
to check himself into something, we actually rejoiced. Not because it
was an "I told you so" moment but because we just hope that he gets
his sh!t together and can get himself onto the field. There have
been a ton of guys who have struggled with addiction (assuming that
Manziel checked himself in for that) and have still had huge careers
(Cris Carter, Brett Favre), so it's not all lost. In a week where
Manziel's teammate, Josh Gordon, got thrown out for another year for
having alcohol in his system, this was a good sign for the hard
partying Manziel before Goodell took out his big stick on him.

But past all of the Instagram photos and celebrity gossip snap-shots
of him in bathrooms standing in front of a mountain full of white
snow, we're just hoping that this rehab is gonna get him straight and
allow him to be a football player again...or at minimum maybe it will
allow him to get away from Justin Bieber...

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Take on the national holiday

There is no day that is more Americano than SuperBowl Sunday. It's
everything the US does best: sports, music spectacular and gluttony.
They always say that there are more wings eaten during the Superbowl
than for the previous six months combined or something. I never quite
knew how they came to that statistic, are they counting wings bought,
flushes, burbs or reporter gastro problems the next day??
I do know that years ago, before we all had kids, my buddies would all
get together and watch the game and consume a small country worth of
wings, pretzels, donuts, sodas and cheese wiz and then top it off with
the best chili this side of Texas. You knew it was a good Super Bowl,
not by the outcome, but how long it took for the carbon monoxide alarm
to go off in the man-cave we crammed 10 guys into.

those were the days.