Wednesday, December 31, 2014
We'd get every dude we knew to come out to some overpriced bar with
the promise that we'd bring every chick we knew too. Sadly, we knew
five times as many dudes as chicks and even the girls we did know had
better parties to go to most times.
To this day I cannot fathom how we got anybody to pay $200 for a
crappy night, shitty drinks and terrible service for the sole reason
of being able to toast a bunch of random acquaintances at midnight.
That is other than the chance to see our buddy Chapelle get naked
showing his little Chinese fortune cookie to the entire Lower East
I do know that most nights were a but of a letdown because you were
usually not drunk enough to care that some different Chinese kid peed
on your leg and just drunk enough to kick a cab
Hope you decided to stay in tonight
Happy New Years!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
allows teams to sign free agents into the playoffs. I get that it is a
brutal sport but I feel like a team shouldn't be able to remake their
roster that late into the season. Take the Steelers who may have
lost superstar and potential gag-ball and leather pants wearing
running back Le'Veon Bell to a nasty knee injury. The rumors around
are that the Steelers will sign recently released veteran RB Ben Tate
who certainly has more talent than anybody else on their roster. How
long is it that a team releases a top kicker right after their season
ends knowing they won't resign him and he immediately signs onto a
roster making a playoffs push. The way that Josh Gordon has acted,
it wouldn't be totally shocking for the Browns to cut him now and if
they did what playoff team would not immediately add him to their
roster for a quick rental???
Maybe the NFL can lock rosters but expand their practice squad.
Monday, December 29, 2014
NYSC sauna level when you walk through it around Christmas Season.
It's as if the entire area becomes a great Mecca for the Ohio
tourists' Hajj. Between the pervert Japanese tourists with their
goddamned telescopes around their necks, the giant Mickey Mouse
characters with their little Goofy's hanging out and the twenty
million Midwestern fools who have never seem anything taller than a 5
story building it is a collection of the insane. Maybe they are all
camping out for New Years.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
dangerous place for any craft to leave from at this point is from the
Malaysian Rhombus. In the last year three flights originating within
the four points of the rhombus have disappeared, hundreds of boats
have capsized and at least a couple of marriages have ended. I have
not completed all the TOR research but the points between Kuala
Lumpur, Naypidaw, Jakarta and Manila is the new terrorist fertile
ground. Forget suicide vests and IUD's, they are now taking control
of commercial airlines using remote control satellite guided
Artificial Intelligence and landing these planes in Kazakistan. They
will then load them full of explosives and head them to a major city
disguised under the radio call of a similar jet flying in it's shadow.
Time to get nervous
Saturday, December 27, 2014
scented dryer sheets or the farting piggy bank but the worst present
to get stuck with is far and away the scented candle. It's not just
that a scented candle blows but it's the kind of gift you can't even
rip on properly because some 65 year old aunt actually thought it was
a thoughtful gift. When you get a total crap gag gift it's easy to
rip it but a candle or some crappy picture frame is half seen as a
'real' gift and you probably should feign some interest
Anyway, I will trade that in for just about anything else not giving a
crap what anybody thinks
Friday, December 26, 2014
retailer in America? Amazon ships more crap to people's crappy
houses and I'm sure that they do more of that crappy shipping during
this crappy season. They ship a thousand things in a thousand boxes
so every time you click "buy this" on Amazon you are essentially
killing a tree in the Amazon. Obviously the boxes are made the
recycled paper but at some point you have to think that Amazon is not
only the largest retailer but also the largest consumer of cardboard
boxes. This morning we put out enough cardboard for recycling to
make a small village.
Drink up, the future looks like a smog filled hellhole
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Christmas movies of all time
10- Elf. Nobody makes me love Christmas more than Will Ferrell, he
brings Christmas joy in that Jack Tripper kind of way
9- Bad Santa. I would do bad bad things to his ex wife
8- A Christmas Story, total classic but a bit overplayed, Ralphy is
probably some fat accountant now who dresses in leather chaps at night
with a ball-gag and gets best by his fishnet wearing secretary secret
girlfriend while his wife busts his hump for not making enough money
7- Home Alone. There has never been a better bad guy tandem than
Pesci and Daniel Stern. Always wondered if that gangster movie was
into I heard they made it up for the movie.
5- (tie) It's a Wonderful Life. Why not, classic, I've seen parts of
it like a hundred times and don't turn it off.
5 (tie) Miracle of 34th Street. See #5 although when I was growing
up back in the 80's and 90's the miracles were being had on 42nd
4- Scrooged- I walk away wondering what would happened if he woke up
at 6am every morning to "I got you babe" on the radio. Whether he is
figuring ghosts, chasing gophers, following groundhogs or making
multiple copies of himself, Bill Murray is a genius and nothing shows
off his talent more than Scrooged
3- the Festivus episode
Yeah it's not a movie but this single episode had more memorable
moments in 22 minutes than Friends and Mad about You had in 22
2- Die Hard. Nothing brings the Christmas spirit to the season like
John McClain beating on bad guys, unless we could somehow get a video
of John McCain beating up a puppy
1-National Lampoon Christmas Vacation. Jesus Christ I love Cousin
Eddie, he deserved an Oscar and an Emmy and a Tony and a bottle of
Jack for this.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
wishing you a Merry Christmas are very odd. First of all, you don't
know us at all, don't send me some lame wis. Secondly, I know you
are just trying to sell random crap like a BBQ or a shovel but I can't
imagine anybody seeing this on Christmas Eve and thinking "you know
what? I do need a new faucet and at 10% off, this is the perfect time
to do some online shopping"
Last what is annoying is that I already get a thousand Christmas
wishes which aren't genuine but at least they come from a person, this
is like getting a congratulations on your birthday emails from
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
As part of my holiday tradition, I like to get a bunch of the ladies in my office foot-massages for Christmas. It seems that most people appreciate it and come back after an hour feeling great, I just wish the purchase of the gift-certificates was similar relaxing experience.
Most of these foot massage places are by a certain type, let's call them..shady.
Enter some foot-massage place on the second floor of an old NYC building, it's 1000 degrees, smells like feet and the desk is manned by a crazy Chinese Lady.
Righetti: "I'd like to get four gift certificates for one hour foot-massages and three half-hour massages"
Chinese Lady "we don't do 30 minute foot-massages"
Righetti "it says 30 minutes on your sign outside
Chinese Lady "aya, sign is wrong"
Righetti "it says the same thing on your board right there"
Chinese Lady "OK, we do"
Righetti "so give me four massages for an hour and three for a half-an-hour"
Chinese Lady "that's $290"
Righetti "the sign says $40 for an hour and $25 for thirty minutes, so that would be $160 plus $75, so it should be $235"
Chines Lady "gift certificate is more expensive, $50 for an hour and $30 for half hour"
Righetti "that doesn't make any sense at all.. I'll pay what it shows stated on the board"
Chinese Lady "ok"
Righetti "here is my card"
Chinese Lady "we don't that THAT card"
Righetti "you don't take American Express??"
Chinese Lady "no"
Righetti "how about Visa?"
Chinese Lady "we take, you pay extra 10%"
Chinese Lady "tax"
Righetti "tax is 8%, why 10%"
Chinese Lady " you want gift certificate?"
Righetti "yes, but why do I have to pay extra?"
Chinese Lady "tax"
Righetti "why no tax on the cash"
Chinese Lady "you pay you pay tax"
Righetti "here is cash"
Chinese Lady "you finished?"
Righetti "I'm finished when you give me the certificates I just paid you for"
Monday, December 22, 2014
places have gotten a lot busier as the price of oil has come all the
way down. I have been standing here for 20 minutes in a small
trickle of twin and am now completely soaked. I get they during
certain stains you have to expect more time to get your car but this
is ridiculous. They are moving one car at a time and trying to reach
a 5 series parked in the back corner.
For Christmas I'd like to get a dedicated spot right on Broadway and
45th street at $15 per day with no headache
Sunday, December 21, 2014
has been one blood bath for my liver after the ther. My had the
unfortunate experience and further aftermath last week of a night when
I started with champagne, moved to a red wine, had a couple of beers,
did a glass of white as it was the only thing on the table and ended
it with a double espresso. Ten years ago this would have been
considered "Tuesday" but 10 years, 3 kids and a three inch drop of my
sack makes this a not very coming occurrence and like a guy coming out
of retirement, I had a lot of rust. Not only did I feel like hell
the next morning, I actually started feeling hung-over before I had
the white wine.
Next time somebody offers me a glass of champagne I'n going to decline
because honestly I'd prefer they had a hot chick piss in a glass and
offered me that.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
everybody including the POTUS got their panties in a bunch. I, for
one, am always happy when a lame comedy gets axed so they I don't
accidentally watch it on a plane one day,
But I do agree that crumbling to a foreign threat is letting the big
head terrorists win. But don't think for one second they this isn't
perfectly calculated because there is no way that they don't released
it at some point anyway kind of like that Malaysian Air plane showing
up when you least expect it loaded with explosives and heading right
to Des Moines and when Sony does release it, it will be like Titanic
meets Lord of the Rings in terms of record breaking blockbuster.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, December 19, 2014
gives me a great pulse of the city, has a good sports section and
mainly because it's got just enough sleaze to keep me interested. I
don't read it for the hard news or editorials, don't trust it per se
and don't feel like it adds a lot to the national dialogue but to me
tabloids are a lame indulgence much like other people may get a
massage or buy a new pair of shoes.
What I don't pretend is that it's something that it is clearly not but
as a guy who does do a bit of marketing, I'm not sure I'd market
myself as the idiots guide to the universe like the NY Post seems
happy to do.
Have a little self dignity, even if you shouldn't
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, December 18, 2014
NYS which means the liberal nerds in NYC have won again. Whereas
neighboring states have seen a jolt to their economies due to the boom
in energy production, NYS has decided that it will not partake in the
Not only does it lead to jobs, the technology in fracking has lead
directly to the US finally getting to some sense of energy
independence which we've been calling for in our editorials for years
But obviously there continue to be questions about the environmental
impact which still has not been completely answered. My buddy Zed
responded to that with
> And so the strangulation of Upstate NY continues. The Cuomos have been far worse for Upstate NY in the last 30 years than any environmental damage that may have occurred.
Which got us to thinking. First of all if there are greater
environmental effects the fact that you are avoiding it while your
neighbors in PA are milking the same cow for all it's worth doesn't
really help. It's like the kid who tries to conserve energy by
unplugging his alarm clock while his neighbor has a Clark Griswold
Christmas display going on.
So we suggest the following
It is time that Upstate decouples itself from downstate and become a
new state. Their interest, mentality and needs to not align with the
city's and it's time to realize that. The only issue is that a 51st
state would really mess up the flag. So I suggest combining the two
Dakotas into one and then making upstate NY one state and downstate NY
another one. Westchester county and all the Long Island stays with
NYC and the rest of it moves to a new more rural state.
Or..another non-flag changing suggestion is that the new upstate
combines with Pennsylvania or Ohio and sending the Bills to join the
AFC north to make one bad-ass defensive divison
Sent from my iPhone
> On Dec 17, 2014, at 5:45 PM, Christopher Frank <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
my three kids at the local A&P. It wasn't just that I spent $10 on
organic ground meat which smelled like feet or that I caved on the
chocolate yogurt but I had one of those moments you just shake your
head at. I'd blame it on the China jet-lag but that is probably just
At one point one of my two older kids decides that she needs to lay
down in the middle of the aisle, this was after 20 minutes of trying
to corral the two of them as they were bolting up and down the aisles
and arguing over which school snack to get. I tried to be calm but
when I am tired and annoyed I cannot hide my emotions, the vitriol
just seethes out. Within 10 seconds I am having a temper tantrum to
match my daughter's with gems like "you are smart, what would compel
you to lay on the floor", "if you don't get up now, I will take every
one of your Elsa toys and bring them to the dump and throw them out
one by one and then take your basketball and kick it into the river "
and "forget dessert, you are not having lunch or dinner"
Of course none of it works and before I know it we are in an all out
arms-race with her hysteria going head to head with my own.
As I am about to have a complete melt-down, I look up and make eye
contact with a mom from my daughter's preschool who we'd asked for a
babysitter recommendation just a few months ago. I smile and make
some lame joke but the damage is done. I'm not going to be invited to
join the PTA this year, that's for sure
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
was. Who the hell asked for a second version of this, I'd have to
I never saw Museums 1 because, well, it looked horrible and if there
was a Museum II I'd be as likely to catch that as I'd be looking to
I get that Hollywood is completely devoid of any talent when it comes
to new screenplays (the exception is my buddy TC who has been working
on one which he says is excellent but no producer has bitten so far),
but this idea that they have to drill every last penny out of the
consumer with crappy sequels and remakes just shows you how stupid the
American movie going public is.
How about making a film which is either smart, funny, interesting
or..gasp..all of the above
The last comedy worth anything was The Big Lenkowski
Monday, December 15, 2014
text messages. I get that companies are trying to stay in touch with
people and I guess that it's less invasive than a phone-call at dinner
time but it's still really annoying.
I feel like one message is ok, if I don't respond, I'm not interested.
If I get a second one, you are an idiot and if I get a inexplicably
get a third one then it's go time and I cannot be expected to act
Sunday, December 14, 2014
in their lives even if most of us haven't seriously considered doing
it for a few decades. Well South Dakota wanted to take the entire
act out of the hands of the driver when they put together the public
service message to remind drivers of the dangers of not keeping all
you focus on the icy conditions this winter. I am all for public
safety but I cannot imagine any driver with that on his mind is going
to see a road sign and think, "maybe this isn't the best time to rip
the gears", even if the entire campaign was for drivers to avoid
jerking the wheel on patches of ice
Saturday, December 13, 2014
turned a plane around when her nuts were served in a bag as opposed to
on a plate. I get that there is something to be said for service but
having spent more time on planes than just about anybody, let me tell
you that the irritation of going back to the terminal for anything
when you hit the runway is 10000x worse than any indignity of having
to remove my nuts from my bag. I hate hate hate airplane holdups,
delays, reroutings so much that I'd literally prefer sitting on a
middle seat on a cross country flight than being delayed an hour with
a business class ticket. Nothing is more stressful that delays,
especially if you are always running late for a connection or
appointment. This middle aged Korean chick should have been fired for
that reason alone..well that and the face she probably has a terrible
Friday, December 12, 2014
into. Think Beauty and the Beast meets the Great Wall, white glove
service, beautiful art, a table set for 30, ten courses and a chef who
prepared Peking Duck for Obama in Beijing last month. I also came in
contact with the biggest bottle of Mai Tai anybody has ever seen. I
am talking a 30 pound ornate jug or the most vile alcohol known to
man. The pure thought of this stuff makes me want to like my Peking
Duck all over my Peking Dick but they insist on making sure that the
entire thing was finished.
Should be a great 16 hour flight home
Thursday, December 11, 2014
the price of an item without much success with a vendor and thought
the worse part of my day was behind me. As I usually do in a formal
Chinese eating setting, I checked out the options and tried to find 4
or 5 things which I knew I could eat without fear of salmonella
without insulting my hosts.
First they passed along a plate of grilled mushrooms (check), some
steamed snowpeas (check), some mind of stew (no way), a mystery meat
(pass) some thing that looked like beef tongue (check) and a couple of
off looking pig feet (no thank you). Then came one dish which looked
sort of like jelly fish which is actually surprisingly good. I asked
what it was and neither the factory manager nor the translator would
answer me. I say that I will pass but they insist saying it is a
local delicacy. I ask if it's pork and they insist it's not but said
they ordered it specially for me. I chow down on a couple of pieces
which were a bit chewy, had kind of a weird texture but overall was
not all that bad tasting. I felt pretty good about my decision but as
soon as I swallow, I knew something was wrong. It wasn't the flavor
or the way it went down that was odd, it was the fact that all four
Chinese people at my table started giggling like school girls. I
asked again what I was eating but they said that they would only tell
me after I took another bite. Of course at this point I am completely
aware that they are feeding me something horrendous and all the
possible options race through my mind...monkey brain, rooster gizzard,
dog, cow intestines, rat or avian bird flu Asian bird like I was on a
live episode of Fear Factor.
Well it took me a good ten minutes to find out the local delicacy I
was chewing on like a piece of spearmint gum was the best part of the
male cow... Yes, I was basically blowing a gigantic bull.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
- fill up at breakfast on bread. It will likely be the safest meal if the day
- choose one or two things per meal that you will eat, they will
assume you are just a big fan of mushrooms or chicken.
- be the animated guy. This will allow you to stay engaged and with
your flailing arms and constant jokes might allow you to hide the fact
that you are spitting all that great chicken into your napkin
- when they break out the "white wine" opt for beer. They will still
see it as alcohol and you will feel worlds better the next day
- if you are forced to drink the white wine, squirrel it away in your
cheeks and spit it into your water cup. That stuff is anti-freeze bad
- don't eat anything that has been washed but not cooked. No salads,
raw vegetables of fruits. If you are told not to drink the water,
why would you eat something that was just rinsed with said water?!?
- avoid the fish, 1000 miles from the ocean means that the fish you
are about to enjoy probably has three eyes
- low expectations. It's going to suck one way or another but if you
go in expecting it to taste like ferret and it tastes like squirrel
you aren't disappointed
- use chopsticks. Nothing is quite as lame as asking somebody to hand
you a fork. Even if you are trying to pick up a slippery eel, just
stab the thing instead of becoming the guy who needed a fork.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
I'd be traveling in while in China and was pleasantly surprised when
the main city only had a PPM reading of 280 which translates to
"heavily polluted" with a recommendation of pregnant and older people
to avoid going outdoors. Having been to China enough times when that
number approached 500 when they say that even healthy people shouldn't
go outside, this was like walking into the clean Montana air.
The issue is that at 280ppm you can't see across the street and when
you take a deep breath if feels like you are doing it through a
pillow. In these middle China cities nobody even bothers with those
cheap paper masks and is just resigned to the fact they will look like
a catcher's mitt and their lungs to look like oil drenched accordion.
Only 5 days to go
Monday, December 8, 2014
the streets you are confronted with this sensory overload like no
other place. It's not the bright lights and noise of Vegas or even
Hong Kong, what catches you in China is the sight of dead animals
hanging on the street. Everywhere you go you walk past racks of
carcasses hanging for window-shoppers to gawk at. Dead chickens,
pigs and (apparently) dogs hang everywhere and the sight and smell is
overwhelming. It's not just knowing that you'll be eating this later
tonight, it's the fact that it's hanging on a rack on a street where
you can't see the hand in front of your face because the smog is so
thick. So now you know that the extra kick of flavor is not the
newest craze in Chinese spice but the remnants of CO2
Sunday, December 7, 2014
shock. Part of the shock is the fact that you are on the other side
of the world, part of the shock is how much growth and construction
there has been just 12 months ago and part of the shock is when some
guy walks past you with a huge suitcase and takes your knees out like
a chop-block in a Mike Shannahan offense. The food sucks, the air
is awful and the people are rude. Maybe they are rude because the air
and food are bad or maybe it's something else but I have been shoved,
pushed and tackled trying to walk to the customs desk
Should be a great week
Saturday, December 6, 2014
and seeing the entire buffet section empty of anything edible. You
are about to get onto a 15 hour flight to China and haven't eaten a
bite in 24 hours because you've been so overwhelmed.
So here I sit, hoping for a turkey sandwich or burger in prep for a
week of duck feet, bull balls and donkey dick and instead in get a
bowl of ramen. Kill me
Nothing like flying business
Friday, December 5, 2014
of dude who really commits himself to the job. Growing a big white
beard, keeping his white hair just a bit longer than normal and
topping it off with a big round gut is a real commitment and I commend
the middle aged men who will devote this much energy to their craft.
I wonder, though, what happens to this realistic Santa guy come
Hanuary. I mean the guy has 1000 hours if work lined up from
Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve but what does that guy do the rest of
the year? If he is going to really do if right and capitalize on
the season then he can't have a normal job because what job would
accept their employee taking four weeks off every December??
So if he doesn't have a normal job does he do something seasonal in
the summer, too??? Maybe he's a pool boy or a gardener or a camp
counselor or something but even those are very limited months of
What I think is probably true is that an oversized percentage of them
are total perverts who let women get off on them smearing their bodies
up with crisco and letting the Santa's ride their sleighs. Either
that or they spend 11 months per year drinking heavily and probably
still greasing up with crisco
Thursday, December 4, 2014
obviously have some very obvious similarities but there is one big
difference. In Ferguson it's a he said/ she said case where in Staten
Island it's not at all vague, there is a video tape. Nobody will
ever know whether Mike Brown approached the cop car or tried to take
his gun and nobody will ever know exactly what the confrontation was
like but in the case of Eric Garner there is no ambiguity.
Forget whether Pantaleo is guilty, the fact of the matter is that a
man is dead after being arrested for a low level crime. I get that he
could have been more cooperative but you'd have to say that the cop
could also have been a bit more cooperative or at least a bit less
forceful. At some point it seems that subduing Garner was
accomplished, the dude looks like he is going to topple like a felled
tree I'd have to think that this is textbook case for indictment of
criminal negligent homicide. I'm not ready to send Pantaleo to
Rikers without due process but the fact that he won't even see a day
in court is mystifying.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
used to play at about 15 years ago right by the Delaware Water Gap.
The course was called Cherry Valley but we always refers to it as
Round Girl Valley because playing it was like trying to unclamp the
brassier of a very round girl, lots of work with very little payoff.
We'd go out there a few times a year and hack it up while putting down
a case of Milwaukee's Best.
Anyway, the first couple of holes were like any other public course,
badly manicured greens, a bunch of divots in the pin box and a couple
of sand-traps which were hard as clay. I'd usually shoot a nine on
the first hole and follow it up with an 11 on the next one. You
could blame the wind, the conditions or the fact I was hungover but at
the end of the day, I was a pretty horrible golfer.
Well if the first couple of holes weren't bad enough you'd get to the
third one which had an odd layout. It was a par 4 but only like 240
yards, so it sounded easy. The thing was that when the developers
bought the property they didn't realize that there were a bunch of
huge power-lines running over the course. I'm guessing they didn't
want to ask the weekend warrior to expose himself to ball cancer as it
would be bad for business so they decided to cut that hole off and
make a sharp right hand turn instead. I'm not talking a dogleg, this
was a 90 degree turn after 140 yard and from there it was another 100
yards as an approach to the green. It was like playing a couple of par
3's because they had these huge pine trees blocking the hole, so there
was just no way to clear them with so little space in front of you.
Plus it would be completely blind shot to the hole
Anyway, I'd usually shoot a 10 on that hole as I'd shotgun my third
beer and I'd not remember much from that point forward.
The rest of the course was less memorable with us dodging a bunch of
geese poop and avoiding a bunch spitunes which were left by the
locals. There was one part on the back nine where the particular
hole splayed directly over the road leading to the clubhouse. I am
not talking a golf path but a full blown road. it was ridiculous
because the road would mean a ton of drops because nobody wanted to
wreck their clubs on asphalt.
The most memorable part was that we always stop at Hot Dog Johnny's
for a dog topped with mustard, kraut and a pickle. I love that place
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, November 30, 2014
professional sports franchise looking to lame minor league stunts to
boost attendance. This year the horrible 76ers are trying to boost
attendance with one of these lame cultural nights, this one honoring
the Jewish people, a nice sentiment if it wasn't all about the 76ers
trying to profit from it and as @jesusHpls correctly points
out..have't they suffered enough.
The Mets routinely have cultural nights, ones that include Hispanic
night which I guess is designed to honor the players on the field,
Japanese night to honor forgotten heroes like Shinjo and Kaz Matsui,
Chinese night to honor the entire Flushing area, Jewish night to honor
Owner Saul Katz and Fred Wilpon, Catholic night to honor the level of
secrecy and denials of Wilpon and Katz have had which trails only the
Vatican in sleaziness, Cayman Islands night to honor Lenny Dykstra and
Bernie Madoff, African American night to honor Doc and Straw and
Italian night to honor Piazza which coincidentally coincides with the
night they fly a rainbow flag over right field.
All in all it's a ridiculous concept for a professional franchise in a
major sports market like NY or Philadelphia to have to stoop so low to
try to get attendance. Here is a suggestion.. don't move your fences
in, don't be cheap with your free agency money and most importantly,
if you want an attendance boost don't suck