Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Take on wet water

For a guy who has the best words, he certainly struggles with adjectives. Trump really only has a handful of them (huge, great, tremendous, phenomenal, overrated, horrible, terrible) and they always describe an event he's championing as the greatest and every event he's fighting against as the worst.

It's so sad to see a grown man struggle to form a coherent simple sentence and when he sort of does it's hard to understand him with all the self-felating he does. But now we know how difficult that might actually be for him, with his stumpy mushroom dick, he can't have it easy especially since he doesn't at all look flexible.

Today was classic Trump as he described the water flooding as one the wettest we've ever seen in terms of water. Somebody show him the Seinfeld clip about not being over to over-wet laundry because the guy needs to get out more.

Monday, September 17, 2018

Take on the OpEd author.

There aren't that many times that I'm genuinely shocked at what happens in the world of politics but today might be one. Kellyanne Conway said that Kavanaugh accuser should be heard which stands in direct contradiction than what we have heard out of the White House all week. Maybe this was a strategy decision from The West Wing or maybe this was Kellyanne going rogue.

But either way she actually did a none shit-bag thing which for her is shocking considering she's a shit-bag and doing shit-bag things is sort of her schtick.

What it does do is that it plays well into the new working theory in working on that she's the author of the OpEd.
The reason we in this newsroom believe this might the case goes as follows

- George Conway seem like he might genuinely not be a shit-bag and unlike his wife he seems to have morals and..gulp...a heart. I can't imagine somebody with that actually being married to somebody who is the real life version of Cruella DeVille. So unless this is just the way the two of them flirt and get their rocks off, or they are in discussion for a new Carville-Matalin show, the match seems odd.

- Maybe, just maybe, she's slightly less of a shit-bag than we thought. On second thought, she's a total shit-bag because as a friend said to me. "If she is the OpEd author it somehow makes her even worse" which is just shocking to imagine since she's already at a level 12 on the shit-bag category

- this one statement may be benign but Kellyanne is the most calculated political hack of all time, she almost never gets caught off guard and is able to spin on a dime.

- the Woodward book tells stories of her secretly removing paperwork from the President's desk which is exactly what the OpEd implies.

- she's the least likely to have been the author outside of Little Don, Ivanka and dumb Eric which sort of makes her the most likely. She knows that Trump would try to snuff out her author and she would be on the very short list of people that nobody would suspect.

But I'm banking on Old George to have some influence on her which isn't totally shit-baggy

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Take on the 17 Angry Democrat tweets

The lamest thing about Trump is his Illegal Mueller, 17 angry Democrats, Peter Strzok, witch hunt ones. The other crazy stuff like the kneeling thing or the wall stuff sort of plays well to his audience but I have to think that this one -which he seems to regurgitate about once per day- doesn't resonate with anybody.

For a Trump Tweet it sort of misses the hot take hard angle, it sounds about as genuine as an informercial and is about as interesting as one

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Take on the Chinese limit on screen-time

China wants to limit screen time for kids which sounds like a great idea if you can just forget about personal freedom which in China, they can. One of the official reasons is that it causes near sightedness along with addiction

We all know that kids who watch too much TV are likely addicted and getting them to be not addicted does sound sort of good, they sit around stationary and before they know it they are going to be 500 pounds. So maybe other fat kids being near sided is a good thing as these kids can't see each other.
Back in my day we would get near sighted the same way we got hairy palms.

Friday, September 14, 2018

Take on the dumb one.

Eric Trump has somehow gotten uglier.

He has always been known as the dumb one when it came to Trump's spawn which when you combine it with the fact that he was a buck toothed slob is likely the reason his dad always kind of hated him. But somehow he has gotten both dumber AND uglier which is hard to do when your bar is already so low.

I can't quite explain what it is but he went from this dorky fat rich kid to this dorky rich dork kid to this slicked hair dorky kid and somehow the change actually makes him look worse.

See somewhere between Trump winning and today, he decided to grow this horrible beard, slick his hair back and hang out with some dude named Brad Parscale who looks like an extra on Jersey Shore. I can't imagine a worse way for spending a day than flying cross country with these two meatheads with there stupid shades on inside their gold airplane.

The look on Eric's face is obviously that of a guy who is wondering if the other guy forgot to wipe his ass or he forgot himself.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Take on Trump’s next dumb thing

Trump's such an idiot it is shocking. On the eve of the season's first big storm, he decided to use the time to question the validity of the GW study showing that nearly 3000 people died in the aftermath of Maria. This is Trump for you, he sees every issue as one he must win because anything less would show weakness. He has no empathy, he shows no emotion, he has no feelings and yet these are not qualities that the 36% of voters see as even slightly important.
But the best is seeing there GOP big wigs respond to questions about his idiotic tweets as they all just go with the "I haven't seen the tweet" response, which could only be true if they literally had their heads up Trump's gigantic ass because there is no way to avoid any of it

Take on the dirty priests

There is nothing that disgusts me more than the Catholic Church's deceit when it comes to the clergy sexual abuse allegations. Today a report came out that nearly 4000 kids were abused while
the holy church did nothing. I'm not religious man but could be considered spiritual and see the distinction as pretty simplistic
I cannot imagine trying to follow (and defend) a religion which is based on seeing man's flaws and claims to "do good" yet hides behind its cloak when it has been more than apparent that their priests are a bunch of sex obsessed perverts.

The church which would consciously move these priests from parish to parish carries all the blame and when you hear that the amount of victims is in the thousands, you have to think that somebody in the Vatican Human Resources is not doing a great job in vetting these guys

I'm all for any priest caught doing this getting locked in the room with the most hung prisoner and let the old father know how it feels.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Take on Trump’s 9/11 face.

You sometimes wonder if Trump has any idea what sorrow means. As he got off of a flight to commemorate 9/11, he arrived in Pennsylvania and had the kind of look on his face like he was about to wrestle an alligator...or have a bad case of the runs

Trump doesn't understand civility, he doesn't understand compassion, he doesn't understand decency and he doesn't understand humanity. Nobody should ever confuse today for anything other than the most somber one in our country's existence and only Pearl Harbor day is close.

Also, it might be appropriate for the President of the United States to wear a black suit on a day like today and not a pair of 42L black pants with a XXL navy blue jacket. This guy could take some style lessons from me and I shove The Daily News into my jacket pockets like a homeless guy

Anyway, glad Trump is having fun. He is a lunatic

Monday, September 10, 2018

Take on the terrible ratings.

Remember that terrible CBS show Everybody Loves Raymond?? Well we have a new one called Everybody hates Donald. His unfavorable numbers are out of control, with Republicans starting to slip. His approval rating is 36% which is getting into Nixon territory, independents are dumping their DJT stock and democrats now view him 92% unfavorably

The questions I have are

- who the hell make up the remaining 8% of Democrats?
- what did the last three months do to turn 10% of independents away from Trump. I mean it's been a horrible three months but not any more horrible than the previous three
- the 18% of Republicans who don't approve seems low somehow. There have to be plenty of well intentioned, smart, coherent white breads left in that party who aren't fooled by this con. Or at least more than 18%

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Take on Nikki Haley

Nikki Haley is taking her role at the UN and convening a corruption task force which is great as there are many governments in this country which are highly burdened by terrible corruption. What I suspect this is though, is a way for her to snuff out corruption in his own government and allow her to become the rightful new lion king.
See Nikki Haley is the consummate opportunist and will happily take down Trump as she has shown her base just enough dissent to distance herself and just enough embrace that the craziest think she's one of them. In other words she is the perfect politician and the chances of her having written than OpEd is rising although we work believe it was written by one Kellyanne Conway

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Take on the plaid shirt guy

The plaid shorted dude at the Trump Talley in Montana made some headlines mostly because he was making stupid weird faces as our president as saying stupid weird things. Then we find out that he was escorted out by serving and probably given a deep cavity search before being interviewed by the FBI.
We are now a country that arrests a guy for making a stupid face. What he hell are we becoming if this is what we do. Forget calling the media he enemy the people, you are now saying the people are the enemy of the people

Morons, every one of them

Friday, September 7, 2018

Take on 44v45

After sitting silently for about a year and a half, 44 came out swinging today and hit 45 right between the eyes. Trump is 20 years older and 80 pounds heavier and 30 yards dumber, so it isn't really a fair fight and when it comes to eloquence one man has it in abundance while the other has a hard time spelling it.

So maybe the gloves are finally off, but sadly for both men, neither has proven been much of a campaigner for anybody but themselves

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Take on Brett Kavanaugh cheering section

As if Brett Kavanaugh wasn't a creepy enough guy, he brought a bunch of high school girls to his confirmation meeting.   Roy Moore immediately kicked a chair in his outhouse, angry that he lost that race.   See Kavanaugh is a weird looking guy as we already described but parading a bunch of 15 year olds in front of creepy old men like John Cornyn has got to be a new low for the upper chamber.  I'm just surprised the photo he took from his angle wasn't of him pleasuring himself.   

Anyway, here is to hoping John Cornyn zipper his penis when putting on his pants tomorrow

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Take on the resistance

So the resistance is coming from within the White House and everybody wants to know who the senior official is.

We out together a cheat sheet
It would be MadDogMattis as he's on his way out and thinks Trump has the intelligence of a fifth grader which is an insult to a bunch of fifth graders. But is think he'd wait till he's fired and then put his name on this thing....after he decapitated Sean Spicer

It's might be General Kelly who would have the ability to influence the most and has shown visible disdain for the president but it seems to easy.

It could be Pence who's choir boy image never quite meshed with Trump. And twitter thinks that his use of lodestar is a dead give away. I think it is just another official trying to throw us off the trail

Maybe it the Big Huck but she's likely too busy chomping down on a burger

It might be Ivanka but she's likely too busy powdering her bush

It could be Kushner but he is a winy wiener

Might be Miller although that would mean he had a decent bone in his body, which he doesn't have

Kudlow could be a candidate but he's been around for a week.

I've thought about the other secretaries but none of them have enough powder to influence all the policies needed to contain the president, like the interior or the EPA alone can't be enough. Maybe it's a concerted effort amongst them all, like Voltron.

So we think it is Kellyanne, the ultimate heel

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Take on the ugliness of the Brett Kavanaugh

The Supreme Court justices are as a whole not a good looking bunch.   Alito looks like a dad who wears socks with his crocs, Sotomayor looks like she got her haircut using an outlet, Thomas' haircut starts three quarters up his head and ends on his back and Ginsberg is older than dirt.    Roberts is a normal looking dude with eyes that aren't symmetrical and Gorsuch has that stately look although you know he doesn't wear underwear under the robe and is playing pocket pool.  Kagan is buck-toothed and Breyer has a weird dick in the mashed potatoes look

I'm not totally sure what it is but there is something especially odd looking about Brett Kavanaugh.   The rosy red cheeks are a certain sign of a guy who likes his scotch at night AND in the morning, the bad toupee makes him look like a sex offender, the odd W Bush smile makes him look like he is a bumbling buffoon and his ears are like stapled to his head.  He looks like he uses mascara and he has all these weird pimples like he is a prepubescent 12 year old who ate an entire pie of Dominos.  He has three chins and his eyes are similar to those of a weasel which is appropriate considering his weaselnessie. 

It's time to nominate somebody we are not embarrassed of.   

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, September 3, 2018

Take on Danny Trejo

When I caught an article today about a missing man whose sister's van was torched, I looked at the dude and thought that they must have confused the guy with Danny Trejo. It wouldn't be too crazy if this was actually a movie poster since Trejo has like 300 credits to his name and has to be the most recognizable Hispanics character actor of all time.

I mean the guy is completely typecast as a badass Mexican gangbanger and usually doesn't actually have any lines other than "I'm here to kill your wife and drink her blood" in Spanish.
Anyway, maybe he's the guy who was caught in that van or maybe he is the brother or that dude's doppelgänger is the baddest most heavily tattooed Mexican this side of Trump's stupid wall.

Sunday, September 2, 2018

Take on bad beer

Years ago I'd drink any beer out in front of me, I'd usually drink Miller Liter because of you are going to have a case, let it be a less filling. Somehow in the last decade my palate has become more refined and I'm at this point in my life
Where the calories aren't worth it unless it's going to be a an good beer. I'm quickly become a beer snob as I'll only drink a hoppy IPA at this point, you'd never catch me with a Bud in the same way you couldn't catch me eating white chocolate any more. I need more bitterness, more compete flavor and less piss water.
When I mentioned this to somebody they agree on the Miller Lite thing but asked about a Heineken which has a proud Dutchman I should embrace but honestly that stuff is awful. Every Heineken I've ever had in the USA tastes like a skunk urinated into a green bottle and somebody paid $11 for six of them and brought them to your house for a party. That stuff makes my teeth hurt

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Take on Old Man Trump

As the world mourned John McCain, old man Trump was sitting on his gold plated toilet tweeting angrily. The further along this has gone, the more he has turned into a crazy homeless person screaming the street corner. I know there are a lot of things we could discuss but when the only comment he can fall back on is the stupid MAGA thing, you know he has run out of things to say. I have to hope that the likes are starting to drop for his imbecilic attention craved pathetic attempts at recognition. The entire Republican establishment needs to step up and disown this moron before he accidentally tries to stick his wiener in the Resolute Desk asking his advisors if it's funny and then closing the drawer as hard as he can. Actually I'd kind of like to see that.

Friday, August 31, 2018

Take on the Cruz-Trump love fest

I liked it better when Trump would call him Lyin' Ted and make fun of his ugly wife and imply his dad killed JFK. Not because a normal person detained that treatment but because Ted Cruz is a spineless weasel who deserves everything coming to him

Now Trump is going to go to the biggest stadium he can find in Texas (hi Jerry!!) and likely use the opportunity to talk about himself for two hours and then maybe mention Cruz for a second.

Then hopefully Cruz loses to this Beto guy and Trump goes back to bashing Cruz like a belligerent drunk at a Yankee-Red Sox game.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Take on the National Enquirer thing

I know they got the John Edwards thing right but I always assumed that was the blind squirrel finding the nut scenario.
To me the biggest mistake for Trump was to ever use the National Enquirer for anything other than the grocery store rag it is. It seems to me the only reason that the trove of Trump stories that are going to leak now have any juice is because he legitimized them by trying to buy them all. If he had ignored them -like any normal person would- it would have gotten a day of press and he could have just said it was fake news and nobody would have shrugged. But now we're all dying to find out which prostitutes he had pee on him, which babies he has fathered with illegal immigrants and which aliens have visited him at Trump Tower

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Take on Jeff Sessions

Trump gets Jeff Sessions for a lot of reasons but none more than the fact he has that Alabama accent and doesn't have an Ivy League pedigree This is obviously more than a bit ironic as Trump's base very much sounds like Sessions and none of them have an Ivy League anything. But this is the world we live in, Trump gets away with anything because his fanboys can see no wrong even when they are the ones being directly insulted by Trump

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Take on Pear Harbor

Trumps told Prime Minister Abe today that he remembered Pearl Harbor and anybody with a calculator knew immediately that he was full of shit. Well we know he is old but for this particular situation his sack isn't wrinkled enough because Pearl Harbor happened like a decade before he could ever claim to have remembered it.

But this is where we get caught up with facts and facts aren't important.

First of all, what the Lame Stream Media is ignoring is how is bringing up Pearl Harbor a good idea with the Prime Minister of a country which is a fierce ally?? I know Trump is beyond reproach for a large portion of the population (which in a Venn diagram completely overlaps with those who call them Japs) so maybe this is fine, but for those who were not taught in West Virginia, it's kind of not cool.

But then I thought that he is not that bright and that maybe Trump remembers when Macho Man Pearl Harbored The Ultimate Warrior which is almost the same.

Then I think about that wrestling term and wonder how the hell that is acceptable. I know these wresting fans are meatheads (sorry Zed, Eid and Conway) but you couldn't imagine that getting 9/11'd would be acceptable.

So instead of hating on Trump, we hate on Vince McMahon and his fat wife.

Monday, August 27, 2018

Take on the Trump phone call

Trump tried to call the president of Mexico to take a few bows for the new don't-call-it-NAFTA NAFTA. Of course like anything touched by Trump, this turned to crap when he could get the guy on the phone while cameras rolled. I haven't seen anything on the new trade deal but the markets approved which is nice. Now we have to hope we avoid a crisis with these stupid Chinese based tariffs which are just going to be a tax on the American consumer and a drag on the economy

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Take on Trump’s lack of empathy

Everybody is up in arms about the lack of empathy trump has show towards John McCain in his last days. Actually, this is the one thing I appreciate about Trump. He is not a phony. He hated Trump while he was alive, and still does. Trump always saw the senior senator from Arizona as a complete thorn in his side. He's often criticized - and frankly insulted- him and I'd find it more troubling if today he came out with some statement about the sacrifice McCain made for his county. Trump is about one thing and that is Donald J Trump which basically means it doesn't have any room in it for anybody else, ever.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Take on The Maverick

John McCain was one of the first politicians I ever respected. This was back in the late 90s and he would be a frequent guest on Imus and was often a foil to both his own party and to the Democrats. I loved him during his first campaign for president, the time he spent before that as a POW was well established. He deserved more as he had given so much to his country but politics is at its core a dirty game and what W Bush did to him in South Carolina was what soured me on politics. His campaign eight years later as less inspirational although his comment to the one supporter who asked about Obama's being a secret Muslim is still one of the most decent things any politician has ever done. That campaign ended in part because of the cards he was dealt with Obama being a transcendent candidate but also for the mistakes me made, non bigger than his decision (or lack of push back) to Sarah Palin. You can't read about John McCain and ignore this part of this legacy.

But now, a decade later he stood up again as the Maverick when he voted down the bill thing to kill Obamacare while fighting inoperable Brian cancer, giving his final moments on a national stage back to his country and proving agin the American hero he was

I have to think Lindsey Graham is inconsolable tonight, but his puppet master has a wicked smile on his face as he'll use McCain's passing as the last step towards complete transformation to the dark side

Friday, August 24, 2018

Take on Duncan.

Duncan Hunter is going to sleep on the couch tonight. After a few days of huddling, it was decided to blame all of Duncan's campaign improprieties on his wife like the overzealous husband who gets annoyed when his wife hits Macy's with the Amex.
But this is politics in 2018 but at least things have become more clear and that is the swamp is more toxic than ever. The chances of a politician being crooked are probably somewhere in the 55% range but if you have a red hat in your closet it's 100%.

Plus what kind of name is Duncan anyway? His mother should have to serve time for giving him such a stupid first name

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Take on Kellyanne

There really is no more despicable human than Kellyanne Conway and watching her avoid, dance, evade and ignore questions is infuriating and serves no good purpose as far as I can tell. The Kellyanne dance is so frustratingly unproductive it begs the question as to why you would ever give her the air to breath. An interview with her never makes the network look good, her appearance is done by her only to frustrate the host yet still CNN goes out of their way time and time again to give her airtime. She a master manipulator who has perfected the art of deceit and evasion and although it is masterful to see, it's also a lot like watching a guy get hit the nards with a rake because she is just bating these hosts to say something that she can use to show she got under their skin or worse yet something that makes her look like a victim.

The thought of her burning in hell seems too kind

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Take on the bylines

The NY Times has gotten rid of their bylines and it completely irks me. I often read an article depending on who wrote it, having followed certain reporters for years and denying me this will certainly have me read less. I get the idea about trying to sterilize the news or at minimum take the reporters view or apparent bias of of it. The issue is that not all reporters are equal, there are certain reporters who have better sources, a more comprehensive history with the subject or are just plan better story tellers, all of which are reasons you may choose to read one story over another. Writers with a Pulitzer should be commended and hard working reporters breaking stories should be given the opportunity to take a bow

Although I think this was a coup from within as all these reporters were passed that Maggie Haberman had five bylines per front page while the rest of them struggled for four combined

So I'd implore the Old Gray Lady to go back to bylines.

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Take on the slow news day

I've been busy at work all day and haven't had a chance to check my twitter timeline or log onto NYTimes.com, so I figure today is as good a day as any to discuss the oddity that are the "only hand washing allowed in bathroom sink"'sign they have up at Pret A Manger

What the hell are the employees washing in the bathroom?  The cucumbers, their cucumbers or the egg salad?   I'm not sure I need to think about that as I'm about to chow down on an egg salad and cucumber sandwich which was rung up by a nice young cashier with a wicked smile on his face

Anyway, today is the kind of day we were all kind of expecting when 50 million Americans -and a few Russians- decided it was a good idea to elect a mob backed conman to run our country

Thanks America, you really know how to make something great again!!

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, August 20, 2018

Take on the Rudy Bot

I have a working theory which is gaining some traction in my own head. Remember how in the 80's people like Cindy Adams would get calls from "John Barron" to give her updates on the triumphs of Donald Trump? The tapes always sounded an awful lot like the Queens businessman and were always complimentary about the money he had, the women he was needing and the lifestyle he was able to keep up.

Well the new John Barron might be Rudy Giuliani, Have you noticed how much Rudy's face has changed in the last few years, it's like he is wearing a Halloween mask. He's gotten so much fatter, his teeth look completely odd, his eyes are pulled back farther into his newly fat face, his mannerisms aren't even natural anymore. He has also got conspicuously orange and is saying more asinine things by the way and has gone complete scorched earth on his own reputation.

I honestly don't think anybody has seen Trump and Rudy in the same place in years.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

Take on Married to the Mob

Trump keeps making mob references in regards to the Special Council and I think we are seating to figure out how this movie ends. See all the great Mob movies end with some tragedy and I have to think this one is going to take a stake right to the heart of the family. And you just know that Eric, the dumb one, is going to get whacked. Trump will eventually fall and likely spend his later years trying to convince the warden to put a tanning bed in his cell which Melania tries to sneak him a file in a birthday cake. Don Jr. will do something stupid again and will have the cleanest colon in New York and Jared will jump to his demise from 666 5th Avenue. Rudy will go fishing and become the bait, The Mooch will end up in a dumpster and Ivanka will try to carry on the Trump legacy but her business acumen will prove futile without the help of Russian money.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Take on Melania.

Trump replaced all of Melania's furniture with some of the draconian gold stuff he loves which is the kind of thing that only Trump would be able to get away with. Any normal husband knows full well that the decisions for furniture are not the thing you go to war over but we're not dealing with a normal husband. It also begs the question, why do we need a full fledged article featuring her? She does have a few moments where she seems to go against Trump, but it always seems very measured and usually when he's going to be out of town for a while but let's never forget that she enabled him including perpetuating the Obama born in Kenya thing.
The one thing I did appreciate was that apparently Trump would have her deported if she ever filed for divorce, that would turn the left on its head


Friday, August 17, 2018

take on Mitch's suit

Mitch McConnell showed up in congress today looking like a pale turtle in a mustard suit.  The pale turtle portion isn't any different but the tan suit really is atrocious..   I remember when Obama wore a tan suit once and the GOP lost their collective shits as it just wasn't presidential.   This is the same GOP who seems to look the other way with a president who calls former staffers dogs, is on tape making misogynistic comments embracing sexual assault and who somehow got through the GOP primary after calling Ted Cruz's wife a slob..

you keep rocking that suit Mitch, maybe try a seersucker suit next 

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Take on that dumb parade

So that stupid parade isn't going to happen this year because after some careful consideration the Fepartment of Defense figures it would cost $100 million dollars which is about 10 times what Trump promised. So we won't have to watch our troops march done Pennsylvania Avenue to salute King Trump which is nice but what is especially great is that they placated old Don with the "sometime in 2019" which is shorthand for "never"

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Take on Trump’s love of black people.

Don't worry everybody, the fact that Trump doesn't employ a single black person as a senior White House staff member isn't something to worry about because, believe me, Trump loves black people and they love him

Look at the black employment numbers, they blow away Obama's according to Big Huck. Look at the friends that Trump keeps (Don King, Kanye Kardashian, Dennis Rodman) all of whom are upstanding citizens. Look at the African American people who have endorsed him (Ben Carson and that funny Sheriff) and tell me that he doesn't love black people with a passion. Forget his "good people on both sides" thing, they was out of context. The Central Park 5 was just about keeping justice. The lawsuits against Fred and Don were just people trying to bring the men down. The comments about Omarosa are just unfortunate. He just said he likes Mike Jordan and Jordan agreed that he likes himself too.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Take on Click Bait

I'm a sucker for click-bait, I think we all are at some level.
"See the X rated photo the Kardashian's don't want you to see"
"The top 22 times a sporting event was interrupted by spontaneous nudity"
"The four greatest NBA stars to never win a championship in the NBA OR in college"
"You'll never believe what Rudy from the Cosby Show looks like now"

Most days I can muster the will power to avoid clicking or it but not to today.

Today's headline in the DailyNews stating that President Trump's "coke habit" was the cause of his metal and physical decline was such a doozy it had me totally pegged.

Of course like most ClickBait this thing left me disappointed (and with a bunch of weird pop up ads). Trump's coke habit is apparently Diet Coke which isn't news -and very Francesca-esque.
The big reveal was that Trump is a disgusting pig who drinks vast amounts of soda and tans daily, which again isn't news to anybody.

Next thing they will tell us is that he has hair plugs

Monday, August 13, 2018

Take on QAnon

I'm one who actually embraces conspiracy theories notnbecause I think they deserve serious airtime or political discussion but because it's the easiest way to determine which people we need to watch out for. People who are dumb enough to buy into 9/11 was an inside job, pizzagate, sandy hook being a set up or just about anything then it's like Alex Jones has ever said, should be vilified and made to wear a Scarlett letter AJ.
Now I find we have a new form of crazies, the ones who go with this QAnok thing which sounds like a fashion magazine about Steve Bannon which nobody wants to read. I know very little about them but they seem frightening in that these guys are a cross between Alex Jones and Flat Earthers.

Time to round up all the believers and ship them off to tinfoil Island.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Take on the Trump-Harley fued

I'm old enough to remember when Republicans decried Obama for picking favorites when it came to a little solar company out of California. Trump isn't picking favorites in his war with Harley Davidson, he's picking the losers. Nothing like the president of a country getting his hands dirty for a decision made by a company for the benefit of said company, especially since that decision was prompted by shortsighted trade war our president decided to start. But this is what Trump does, he picks losers instead of winners, he roots for failure not success and he has never met a camera he didn't want to make love to with his puny little hands.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Take on Mark and Jeanine

The Orange One had dinner with Mark Levin this week and this was able to give the official talking points directly to him and likely dialed up Judge Jeanine at the same time. Apparently the new position of the right wing is that Bob Mueller of Purple Heart Fame is now a greater threat to our country than Five Deferment Don and his buddy Little Vlad. I get that this must be confusing for their loyal listener and viewership as you need cheat notes to keep everybody straight cause in a world where up is down and down is up apparently Russia is America and America is Swiss Cheese

Friday, August 10, 2018

Take on Avenatti

I love that Michael Avenatti has taken on Trump and seems to have his entire team run scared but I'm still not at all a fan of this dude as president. If there is one thing the last year and a half have told us it's that a guy whose "experience" is basically being a bloviator trying to get as much airtime for himself as possible will not make a good president.

We don't need a celebrity who loves the sound of his own voice, we need a person with conviction, with understanding, with morals.

Or maybe quite simply this time we don't need a guy who is intertwined with Stormy Daniels.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Take on Space Force

Wait...this Space Force is a real thing? I honestly thought this was just one of those times that Trump was riffing and everybody just sort of laughed and turned to more important issues. I assumed it was one of those issues that every time he'd bring it up, John Kelly would tell him that they are working on it, just to keep him satisfied but apparently Mike Pence decided to have a big press conference announcement today

Although I do still kind of believe my first theory because the entire hoopla so far has to do with the logo which might be their way of placating the orange imbecile

Yes Mr President we are hard at work on Space Force, just last week we had a designer work on a logo which, as a person who has had great success in branding, you'd appreciate

Yes, very good. A logo is really key to this, get to work on that. Maybe we should have an Apprentice style showdown on prime time to reveal the winning one

Yes sir, sounds like a great idea. Those logos should be done in about two months, can't rush these things you know. Then a couple of months for review, you know for dotting the I's and crossing the T's.

Sounds sensible but we have to get this in front of people to show the tremendous work i'm doing. This is just another example of a place where crooked Hillary would have done something without any pizazz like trying to fix those water pipes. Nobody cares about that, people want bigger

Yes, sure whatever

Do you think I should mention it at the campaign rally I'm having for that Tommy Baldwin guy over in Albuquerque

You mean Troy Balderson in Ohio??

Yeah him. We like him right? He's not too nerdy looking is he? Anyway, get Tony a SpaceJam T-shirt. I like Mike

Sure thing Chief

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Take on Trump’s VA team

Sometimes it seems Trump doesn't even care to hide the corruption. The president who campaigned on draining the swamp continues to be the one who empties fresh water it from the bottom of while filling it from the top with hazardous waste. Today's story invokes three Mar-a-Lago members who have been acting as direct liaisons to the running of the VA. Never mind that these three guys are as qualified as a comic store owner but the fact they have influence over one of the biggest departments within the US Government all while suing to be members of Trump's little hands club, does reek foul.

The thing is these three guys probably know more about VD's than the VA

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Take on the Big Fat Guido.

Our foreign policy braintrust includes Woody Johnson, Dennis Rodman and now Steven Seagal. There really isn't a more despicable threesome than these guys who have never met a camera they won't mug for or a bad 2nd round pick they won't embrace.
Seagal is maybe worse than the other two because Woody is just a clueless nerd who desperately wants Trump to notice him and Rodman might actually have a decent bone in his body but Seagal is what happens when you drink heavily during pregnancy and when the baby comes out you throw up in its mouth

But our Dear Leader has decided that these are the kinds of people that need to help Mike Pompeo in his quest to make America hated by everybody because nothing makes a fat kid happier than watching other kids get no cake.

By the way, Seagal has somehow gotten uglier. He now looks like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man with a painted on goatee, proving once again that Trump only hires people who are somehow uglier than himself.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Take on Slick Rick

When Slick Rick Gates took the stand today, they say you could hear a pin drop as he confessed to having been involved in criminal activity with Pauly Walnuts Manafort. Manafort pulled a John Gotti and stared down Gates like he was Sammy the Bull and the entire world saw just exactly how hard Beretta Bob was going to come down on Pauly. People ask why Manafort hasn't flipped since he stands to spend the rest of his miserable life in an orange jumpsuit instead of designer suits but this comes down to one thing.

This is the best chance for him

He's gambling on one of the following

- he might just get a hung jury or a straight acquittal. This trial has a jury and with Manafort's history and the company he keeps, I'm sure there are some doctors ready to cash in some broken leg operations.
- He flips and he can kiss his chances at a pardon goodbye. He probably is gambling on Trump doing so on the first Wednesday in November 2020, so it's just a waiting game that he can hold out for.

- he didn't do anything wrong and he can prove it. Lol.

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Take on the unrefridgerated chicken thing

There is this weird cuisine option you can buy at the train stations in China and I believe it's dried chicken. It's not just the chicken thing but it's that it's not refrigerated and kept sitting in the 100 degree store being breathed all over by thousands of window-shoppers. Imagine buying this thing, unwrapping it, chowing down and then getting onto a four hour train ride???
I've been offered thousands of weird thing to eat in China but this has to be one of the least appetizing things and that is saying a lot.

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Take on the Chinese airport security

When you leave China they make sure that they leave you with the knowledge that they had you by the balls.....literally.

Leaving is an endless process which is completely inefficient as they send you from line to endless line including preliminary security, passport check, ticketing, second passport check, immigration and customs to hand in your yellow slip and have your passport stamped again. Each of these steps feels endless with line of at least 20 to 100 people. Then when you finally get past customs and immigration, you are sent into the security check line which is almost odd considering how deep into the bowels of the airport you are. Standard procedures has you take out your laptop and battery packs and for some reason an umbrella. You remove your shoes and go through the metal detector machine and if all feels sort of normal until they get you through that thing and put you onto this little stand for a pat down but unlike the standard wand swipe you may get in the USA, here a Chinese guy gives you a full cavity search. This is like getting a Chines massage except instead of a Chinese girl it's some dude named Yuan and he's got his hands in places that nobody's hands have ever been.
It's the most thorough pat down you can imagine and any hope you had of a comfortable flight now is gone along with your innocence

Friday, August 3, 2018

Take on MouTai

Whenever I travel to China there is one night which makes you regret the entire trip. I'm forced to do it one time per trip and I usually insist it to be the last night, which is by design as it allows me to feel the consequences on a 14 hour flight home instead of during a full day of meetings. Last night a group of five of us were asked to polish off 2kg of a 5kg bottle of jet-fuel called MouTai

It's a necessity when doing business in China but not feeling like my eyes are popping out of my head after puking is a necessity too, so I've figured it a few tricks and Like a wily old veteran pitcher I use every single one of them in a night like this.

First you stick with beer for as long as possible. Sometimes you can get away with drinking beer when they are drinking the miserable stuff, so you do that till somebody notices and calls you out.

You then very demonstrably make a show out of the shots you take, big speeches so people think you are drinking more than you do and gives you cover for the next round.
This is when the magic happens. The MouTai is poured into these small glass carafes and you then our into these small wine glass shaped mini shot glasses. There is a lot of opportunity to empty your carafe without actually drinking it but you have to be smart.

First of all, you try to drink between big group shots and by drink I mean sip the stuff and spit it into one of those little wet towels they give you. It's a slow process but allows you to finish yours more quickly than others so the impression is that you are leading the charge. It also allows you to pour your own cup which is key. I always overpour from the little glass bottle into my glass which spills all over the tablecloth.

Then the magic happens. The tricks come out and it's a sight to behold. I put some in my mouth and thirty seconds later spit it into my water cup, I'll find a plant and often dump entire glasses Into it. I will always knock at least one glass over. Late in the night I will pour it directly into my napkin instead of into the glass. I'll spill it onto the ground, I bunch up tissues in my hand and soak up the booze while holding the cup. I sometimes will pour water into the cup, as this stuff is clear like water. I'll excuse myself with a full cup to go to the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. I switch carafes when people aren't looking. I'll accidentally drop a piece of rice into it and need to replace the glass. The trick is that you don't go to the same one too often, you constantly mix it up. It's a four hour dinner, and you need to figure out how to get through it.

That isn't to say that I don't consume a fair amount of it also, I just find ways to limit the intake.

You gotta survive this stuff.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Take on the Untouchables

Trump is more than a bit irked, he has really lost it

He had a tweet today which even amongst Trump tweets standards was bizarre. This one, we think, tried to imply that Manafort was being treated more harshly than mob boss Al Capone which is sort of a weird analogy to make considering we're talking about Paulie Walnuts

It's also odd that he refers to Capone as Alfonse, I've never heard him referred to as anything but Al but wonder if this is like a way to show the world that he was personal family friends with them. Like referring to JFK as Jack or calling him Nick Cage. It's also odd that any president would portray one of the most notorious gangsters as somebody who may have been treated badly.

But I guess if we're going to make Untouchable references then Trump can be Capone, Giuliani, Manafort and Sessions can be the Chicago Outfit and that makes Berretta Bob non other than...Eliot Ness

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Take on clean air.

I ask people in China constantly how difficult it is to live in a country with this amount of pollution and their comment is inevitably that now it really isn't that bad. They claim that the had blue skies last week which sounds like the "free beer tomorrow" sign at a bar.
But the one thing you see more than anything are these gigantic power plants and you realize they can install a million solar panels or windmills but until they stop building and using these plants, it won't get any better

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Take on the dead ducks

I couldn't possibly fly 8000 Miles around the world and not at minimum get a photo of a dead bird hanging behind a window. I was last in China five months ago but honestly believe this dried out duck may literally be the same one that was hanging there then. It's hard to tell with these things but this thing is so dry, so malnutritioned and so gross looking by all account has not been moved in a half a year as nobody in their sane mind would look at this disheveled duck and think..lucky me, it's time for diner