Tuesday, September 18, 2018
It's so sad to see a grown man struggle to form a coherent simple sentence and when he sort of does it's hard to understand him with all the self-felating he does. But now we know how difficult that might actually be for him, with his stumpy mushroom dick, he can't have it easy especially since he doesn't at all look flexible.
Today was classic Trump as he described the water flooding as one the wettest we've ever seen in terms of water. Somebody show him the Seinfeld clip about not being over to over-wet laundry because the guy needs to get out more.
Monday, September 17, 2018
But either way she actually did a none shit-bag thing which for her is shocking considering she's a shit-bag and doing shit-bag things is sort of her schtick.
What it does do is that it plays well into the new working theory in working on that she's the author of the OpEd.
The reason we in this newsroom believe this might the case goes as follows
- George Conway seem like he might genuinely not be a shit-bag and unlike his wife he seems to have morals and..gulp...a heart. I can't imagine somebody with that actually being married to somebody who is the real life version of Cruella DeVille. So unless this is just the way the two of them flirt and get their rocks off, or they are in discussion for a new Carville-Matalin show, the match seems odd.
- Maybe, just maybe, she's slightly less of a shit-bag than we thought. On second thought, she's a total shit-bag because as a friend said to me. "If she is the OpEd author it somehow makes her even worse" which is just shocking to imagine since she's already at a level 12 on the shit-bag category
- this one statement may be benign but Kellyanne is the most calculated political hack of all time, she almost never gets caught off guard and is able to spin on a dime.
- the Woodward book tells stories of her secretly removing paperwork from the President's desk which is exactly what the OpEd implies.
- she's the least likely to have been the author outside of Little Don, Ivanka and dumb Eric which sort of makes her the most likely. She knows that Trump would try to snuff out her author and she would be on the very short list of people that nobody would suspect.
But I'm banking on Old George to have some influence on her which isn't totally shit-baggy
Sunday, September 16, 2018
For a Trump Tweet it sort of misses the hot take hard angle, it sounds about as genuine as an informercial and is about as interesting as one
Saturday, September 15, 2018
We all know that kids who watch too much TV are likely addicted and getting them to be not addicted does sound sort of good, they sit around stationary and before they know it they are going to be 500 pounds. So maybe other fat kids being near sided is a good thing as these kids can't see each other.
Back in my day we would get near sighted the same way we got hairy palms.
Friday, September 14, 2018
He has always been known as the dumb one when it came to Trump's spawn which when you combine it with the fact that he was a buck toothed slob is likely the reason his dad always kind of hated him. But somehow he has gotten both dumber AND uglier which is hard to do when your bar is already so low.
I can't quite explain what it is but he went from this dorky fat rich kid to this dorky rich dork kid to this slicked hair dorky kid and somehow the change actually makes him look worse.
See somewhere between Trump winning and today, he decided to grow this horrible beard, slick his hair back and hang out with some dude named Brad Parscale who looks like an extra on Jersey Shore. I can't imagine a worse way for spending a day than flying cross country with these two meatheads with there stupid shades on inside their gold airplane.
The look on Eric's face is obviously that of a guy who is wondering if the other guy forgot to wipe his ass or he forgot himself.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
But the best is seeing there GOP big wigs respond to questions about his idiotic tweets as they all just go with the "I haven't seen the tweet" response, which could only be true if they literally had their heads up Trump's gigantic ass because there is no way to avoid any of it
the holy church did nothing. I'm not religious man but could be considered spiritual and see the distinction as pretty simplistic
I cannot imagine trying to follow (and defend) a religion which is based on seeing man's flaws and claims to "do good" yet hides behind its cloak when it has been more than apparent that their priests are a bunch of sex obsessed perverts.
The church which would consciously move these priests from parish to parish carries all the blame and when you hear that the amount of victims is in the thousands, you have to think that somebody in the Vatican Human Resources is not doing a great job in vetting these guys
I'm all for any priest caught doing this getting locked in the room with the most hung prisoner and let the old father know how it feels.
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Trump doesn't understand civility, he doesn't understand compassion, he doesn't understand decency and he doesn't understand humanity. Nobody should ever confuse today for anything other than the most somber one in our country's existence and only Pearl Harbor day is close.
Also, it might be appropriate for the President of the United States to wear a black suit on a day like today and not a pair of 42L black pants with a XXL navy blue jacket. This guy could take some style lessons from me and I shove The Daily News into my jacket pockets like a homeless guy
Anyway, glad Trump is having fun. He is a lunatic
Monday, September 10, 2018
The questions I have are
- who the hell make up the remaining 8% of Democrats?
- what did the last three months do to turn 10% of independents away from Trump. I mean it's been a horrible three months but not any more horrible than the previous three
- the 18% of Republicans who don't approve seems low somehow. There have to be plenty of well intentioned, smart, coherent white breads left in that party who aren't fooled by this con. Or at least more than 18%
Sunday, September 9, 2018
See Nikki Haley is the consummate opportunist and will happily take down Trump as she has shown her base just enough dissent to distance herself and just enough embrace that the craziest think she's one of them. In other words she is the perfect politician and the chances of her having written than OpEd is rising although we work believe it was written by one Kellyanne Conway
Saturday, September 8, 2018
We are now a country that arrests a guy for making a stupid face. What he hell are we becoming if this is what we do. Forget calling the media he enemy the people, you are now saying the people are the enemy of the people
Morons, every one of them
Friday, September 7, 2018
So maybe the gloves are finally off, but sadly for both men, neither has proven been much of a campaigner for anybody but themselves
Thursday, September 6, 2018
As if Brett Kavanaugh wasn't a creepy enough guy, he brought a bunch of high school girls to his confirmation meeting. Roy Moore immediately kicked a chair in his outhouse, angry that he lost that race. See Kavanaugh is a weird looking guy as we already described but parading a bunch of 15 year olds in front of creepy old men like John Cornyn has got to be a new low for the upper chamber. I'm just surprised the photo he took from his angle wasn't of him pleasuring himself.
Anyway, here is to hoping John Cornyn zipper his penis when putting on his pants tomorrow
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
We out together a cheat sheet
It would be MadDogMattis as he's on his way out and thinks Trump has the intelligence of a fifth grader which is an insult to a bunch of fifth graders. But is think he'd wait till he's fired and then put his name on this thing....after he decapitated Sean Spicer
It's might be General Kelly who would have the ability to influence the most and has shown visible disdain for the president but it seems to easy.
It could be Pence who's choir boy image never quite meshed with Trump. And twitter thinks that his use of lodestar is a dead give away. I think it is just another official trying to throw us off the trail
Maybe it the Big Huck but she's likely too busy chomping down on a burger
It might be Ivanka but she's likely too busy powdering her bush
It could be Kushner but he is a winy wiener
Might be Miller although that would mean he had a decent bone in his body, which he doesn't have
Kudlow could be a candidate but he's been around for a week.
I've thought about the other secretaries but none of them have enough powder to influence all the policies needed to contain the president, like the interior or the EPA alone can't be enough. Maybe it's a concerted effort amongst them all, like Voltron.
So we think it is Kellyanne, the ultimate heel
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
The Supreme Court justices are as a whole not a good looking bunch. Alito looks like a dad who wears socks with his crocs, Sotomayor looks like she got her haircut using an outlet, Thomas' haircut starts three quarters up his head and ends on his back and Ginsberg is older than dirt. Roberts is a normal looking dude with eyes that aren't symmetrical and Gorsuch has that stately look although you know he doesn't wear underwear under the robe and is playing pocket pool. Kagan is buck-toothed and Breyer has a weird dick in the mashed potatoes look
I'm not totally sure what it is but there is something especially odd looking about Brett Kavanaugh. The rosy red cheeks are a certain sign of a guy who likes his scotch at night AND in the morning, the bad toupee makes him look like a sex offender, the odd W Bush smile makes him look like he is a bumbling buffoon and his ears are like stapled to his head. He looks like he uses mascara and he has all these weird pimples like he is a prepubescent 12 year old who ate an entire pie of Dominos. He has three chins and his eyes are similar to those of a weasel which is appropriate considering his weaselnessie.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, September 3, 2018
I mean the guy is completely typecast as a badass Mexican gangbanger and usually doesn't actually have any lines other than "I'm here to kill your wife and drink her blood" in Spanish.
Anyway, maybe he's the guy who was caught in that van or maybe he is the brother or that dude's doppelgänger is the baddest most heavily tattooed Mexican this side of Trump's stupid wall.
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Where the calories aren't worth it unless it's going to be a an good beer. I'm quickly become a beer snob as I'll only drink a hoppy IPA at this point, you'd never catch me with a Bud in the same way you couldn't catch me eating white chocolate any more. I need more bitterness, more compete flavor and less piss water.
When I mentioned this to somebody they agree on the Miller Lite thing but asked about a Heineken which has a proud Dutchman I should embrace but honestly that stuff is awful. Every Heineken I've ever had in the USA tastes like a skunk urinated into a green bottle and somebody paid $11 for six of them and brought them to your house for a party. That stuff makes my teeth hurt
Saturday, September 1, 2018
Friday, August 31, 2018
Now Trump is going to go to the biggest stadium he can find in Texas (hi Jerry!!) and likely use the opportunity to talk about himself for two hours and then maybe mention Cruz for a second.
Then hopefully Cruz loses to this Beto guy and Trump goes back to bashing Cruz like a belligerent drunk at a Yankee-Red Sox game.
Thursday, August 30, 2018
To me the biggest mistake for Trump was to ever use the National Enquirer for anything other than the grocery store rag it is. It seems to me the only reason that the trove of Trump stories that are going to leak now have any juice is because he legitimized them by trying to buy them all. If he had ignored them -like any normal person would- it would have gotten a day of press and he could have just said it was fake news and nobody would have shrugged. But now we're all dying to find out which prostitutes he had pee on him, which babies he has fathered with illegal immigrants and which aliens have visited him at Trump Tower
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
But this is where we get caught up with facts and facts aren't important.
First of all, what the Lame Stream Media is ignoring is how is bringing up Pearl Harbor a good idea with the Prime Minister of a country which is a fierce ally?? I know Trump is beyond reproach for a large portion of the population (which in a Venn diagram completely overlaps with those who call them Japs) so maybe this is fine, but for those who were not taught in West Virginia, it's kind of not cool.
But then I thought that he is not that bright and that maybe Trump remembers when Macho Man Pearl Harbored The Ultimate Warrior which is almost the same.
Then I think about that wrestling term and wonder how the hell that is acceptable. I know these wresting fans are meatheads (sorry Zed, Eid and Conway) but you couldn't imagine that getting 9/11'd would be acceptable.
So instead of hating on Trump, we hate on Vince McMahon and his fat wife.
Monday, August 27, 2018
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Saturday, August 25, 2018
But now, a decade later he stood up again as the Maverick when he voted down the bill thing to kill Obamacare while fighting inoperable Brian cancer, giving his final moments on a national stage back to his country and proving agin the American hero he was
I have to think Lindsey Graham is inconsolable tonight, but his puppet master has a wicked smile on his face as he'll use McCain's passing as the last step towards complete transformation to the dark side
Friday, August 24, 2018
But this is politics in 2018 but at least things have become more clear and that is the swamp is more toxic than ever. The chances of a politician being crooked are probably somewhere in the 55% range but if you have a red hat in your closet it's 100%.
Plus what kind of name is Duncan anyway? His mother should have to serve time for giving him such a stupid first name
Thursday, August 23, 2018
The thought of her burning in hell seems too kind
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Although I think this was a coup from within as all these reporters were passed that Maggie Haberman had five bylines per front page while the rest of them struggled for four combined
So I'd implore the Old Gray Lady to go back to bylines.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
I've been busy at work all day and haven't had a chance to check my twitter timeline or log onto NYTimes.com, so I figure today is as good a day as any to discuss the oddity that are the "only hand washing allowed in bathroom sink"'sign they have up at Pret A Manger
What the hell are the employees washing in the bathroom? The cucumbers, their cucumbers or the egg salad? I'm not sure I need to think about that as I'm about to chow down on an egg salad and cucumber sandwich which was rung up by a nice young cashier with a wicked smile on his face
Anyway, today is the kind of day we were all kind of expecting when 50 million Americans -and a few Russians- decided it was a good idea to elect a mob backed conman to run our country
Thanks America, you really know how to make something great again!!
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, August 20, 2018
Well the new John Barron might be Rudy Giuliani, Have you noticed how much Rudy's face has changed in the last few years, it's like he is wearing a Halloween mask. He's gotten so much fatter, his teeth look completely odd, his eyes are pulled back farther into his newly fat face, his mannerisms aren't even natural anymore. He has also got conspicuously orange and is saying more asinine things by the way and has gone complete scorched earth on his own reputation.
I honestly don't think anybody has seen Trump and Rudy in the same place in years.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Saturday, August 18, 2018
The one thing I did appreciate was that apparently Trump would have her deported if she ever filed for divorce, that would turn the left on its head
Friday, August 17, 2018
Mitch McConnell showed up in congress today looking like a pale turtle in a mustard suit. The pale turtle portion isn't any different but the tan suit really is atrocious.. I remember when Obama wore a tan suit once and the GOP lost their collective shits as it just wasn't presidential. This is the same GOP who seems to look the other way with a president who calls former staffers dogs, is on tape making misogynistic comments embracing sexual assault and who somehow got through the GOP primary after calling Ted Cruz's wife a slob..
you keep rocking that suit Mitch, maybe try a seersucker suit next
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
Look at the black employment numbers, they blow away Obama's according to Big Huck. Look at the friends that Trump keeps (Don King, Kanye Kardashian, Dennis Rodman) all of whom are upstanding citizens. Look at the African American people who have endorsed him (Ben Carson and that funny Sheriff) and tell me that he doesn't love black people with a passion. Forget his "good people on both sides" thing, they was out of context. The Central Park 5 was just about keeping justice. The lawsuits against Fred and Don were just people trying to bring the men down. The comments about Omarosa are just unfortunate. He just said he likes Mike Jordan and Jordan agreed that he likes himself too.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
"See the X rated photo the Kardashian's don't want you to see"
"The top 22 times a sporting event was interrupted by spontaneous nudity"
"The four greatest NBA stars to never win a championship in the NBA OR in college"
"You'll never believe what Rudy from the Cosby Show looks like now"
Most days I can muster the will power to avoid clicking or it but not to today.
Today's headline in the DailyNews stating that President Trump's "coke habit" was the cause of his metal and physical decline was such a doozy it had me totally pegged.
Of course like most ClickBait this thing left me disappointed (and with a bunch of weird pop up ads). Trump's coke habit is apparently Diet Coke which isn't news -and very Francesca-esque.
The big reveal was that Trump is a disgusting pig who drinks vast amounts of soda and tans daily, which again isn't news to anybody.
Next thing they will tell us is that he has hair plugs
Monday, August 13, 2018
Now I find we have a new form of crazies, the ones who go with this QAnok thing which sounds like a fashion magazine about Steve Bannon which nobody wants to read. I know very little about them but they seem frightening in that these guys are a cross between Alex Jones and Flat Earthers.
Time to round up all the believers and ship them off to tinfoil Island.
Sunday, August 12, 2018
Saturday, August 11, 2018
Friday, August 10, 2018
We don't need a celebrity who loves the sound of his own voice, we need a person with conviction, with understanding, with morals.
Or maybe quite simply this time we don't need a guy who is intertwined with Stormy Daniels.
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Although I do still kind of believe my first theory because the entire hoopla so far has to do with the logo which might be their way of placating the orange imbecile
Yes Mr President we are hard at work on Space Force, just last week we had a designer work on a logo which, as a person who has had great success in branding, you'd appreciate
Yes, very good. A logo is really key to this, get to work on that. Maybe we should have an Apprentice style showdown on prime time to reveal the winning one
Yes sir, sounds like a great idea. Those logos should be done in about two months, can't rush these things you know. Then a couple of months for review, you know for dotting the I's and crossing the T's.
Sounds sensible but we have to get this in front of people to show the tremendous work i'm doing. This is just another example of a place where crooked Hillary would have done something without any pizazz like trying to fix those water pipes. Nobody cares about that, people want bigger
Yes, sure whatever
Do you think I should mention it at the campaign rally I'm having for that Tommy Baldwin guy over in Albuquerque
You mean Troy Balderson in Ohio??
Yeah him. We like him right? He's not too nerdy looking is he? Anyway, get Tony a SpaceJam T-shirt. I like Mike
Sure thing Chief
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
The thing is these three guys probably know more about VD's than the VA
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
Seagal is maybe worse than the other two because Woody is just a clueless nerd who desperately wants Trump to notice him and Rodman might actually have a decent bone in his body but Seagal is what happens when you drink heavily during pregnancy and when the baby comes out you throw up in its mouth
But our Dear Leader has decided that these are the kinds of people that need to help Mike Pompeo in his quest to make America hated by everybody because nothing makes a fat kid happier than watching other kids get no cake.
By the way, Seagal has somehow gotten uglier. He now looks like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man with a painted on goatee, proving once again that Trump only hires people who are somehow uglier than himself.
Monday, August 6, 2018
This is the best chance for him
He's gambling on one of the following
- he might just get a hung jury or a straight acquittal. This trial has a jury and with Manafort's history and the company he keeps, I'm sure there are some doctors ready to cash in some broken leg operations.
- He flips and he can kiss his chances at a pardon goodbye. He probably is gambling on Trump doing so on the first Wednesday in November 2020, so it's just a waiting game that he can hold out for.
- he didn't do anything wrong and he can prove it. Lol.
Sunday, August 5, 2018
I've been offered thousands of weird thing to eat in China but this has to be one of the least appetizing things and that is saying a lot.
Saturday, August 4, 2018
Leaving is an endless process which is completely inefficient as they send you from line to endless line including preliminary security, passport check, ticketing, second passport check, immigration and customs to hand in your yellow slip and have your passport stamped again. Each of these steps feels endless with line of at least 20 to 100 people. Then when you finally get past customs and immigration, you are sent into the security check line which is almost odd considering how deep into the bowels of the airport you are. Standard procedures has you take out your laptop and battery packs and for some reason an umbrella. You remove your shoes and go through the metal detector machine and if all feels sort of normal until they get you through that thing and put you onto this little stand for a pat down but unlike the standard wand swipe you may get in the USA, here a Chinese guy gives you a full cavity search. This is like getting a Chines massage except instead of a Chinese girl it's some dude named Yuan and he's got his hands in places that nobody's hands have ever been.
It's the most thorough pat down you can imagine and any hope you had of a comfortable flight now is gone along with your innocence
Friday, August 3, 2018
It's a necessity when doing business in China but not feeling like my eyes are popping out of my head after puking is a necessity too, so I've figured it a few tricks and Like a wily old veteran pitcher I use every single one of them in a night like this.
First you stick with beer for as long as possible. Sometimes you can get away with drinking beer when they are drinking the miserable stuff, so you do that till somebody notices and calls you out.
You then very demonstrably make a show out of the shots you take, big speeches so people think you are drinking more than you do and gives you cover for the next round.
This is when the magic happens. The MouTai is poured into these small glass carafes and you then our into these small wine glass shaped mini shot glasses. There is a lot of opportunity to empty your carafe without actually drinking it but you have to be smart.
First of all, you try to drink between big group shots and by drink I mean sip the stuff and spit it into one of those little wet towels they give you. It's a slow process but allows you to finish yours more quickly than others so the impression is that you are leading the charge. It also allows you to pour your own cup which is key. I always overpour from the little glass bottle into my glass which spills all over the tablecloth.
Then the magic happens. The tricks come out and it's a sight to behold. I put some in my mouth and thirty seconds later spit it into my water cup, I'll find a plant and often dump entire glasses Into it. I will always knock at least one glass over. Late in the night I will pour it directly into my napkin instead of into the glass. I'll spill it onto the ground, I bunch up tissues in my hand and soak up the booze while holding the cup. I sometimes will pour water into the cup, as this stuff is clear like water. I'll excuse myself with a full cup to go to the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. I switch carafes when people aren't looking. I'll accidentally drop a piece of rice into it and need to replace the glass. The trick is that you don't go to the same one too often, you constantly mix it up. It's a four hour dinner, and you need to figure out how to get through it.
That isn't to say that I don't consume a fair amount of it also, I just find ways to limit the intake.
You gotta survive this stuff.
Thursday, August 2, 2018
He had a tweet today which even amongst Trump tweets standards was bizarre. This one, we think, tried to imply that Manafort was being treated more harshly than mob boss Al Capone which is sort of a weird analogy to make considering we're talking about Paulie Walnuts
It's also odd that he refers to Capone as Alfonse, I've never heard him referred to as anything but Al but wonder if this is like a way to show the world that he was personal family friends with them. Like referring to JFK as Jack or calling him Nick Cage. It's also odd that any president would portray one of the most notorious gangsters as somebody who may have been treated badly.
But I guess if we're going to make Untouchable references then Trump can be Capone, Giuliani, Manafort and Sessions can be the Chicago Outfit and that makes Berretta Bob non other than...Eliot Ness
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
But the one thing you see more than anything are these gigantic power plants and you realize they can install a million solar panels or windmills but until they stop building and using these plants, it won't get any better