Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Take on ridiculously overprotective parenting

Caught a tweet this morning announcing the #NationalSafetyMonth and warned parents about the dangers of kids in shopping carts.  I won't go so far as clicking the link which promises to teach me to prevent that but figure that it probably goes something like this

- wrap kid in bubble wrap
- put bubble wrapped kid inside giant balloon
- tie string of balloon to the handle of the shopping car
-buy tons of shit you don't want
- drink heavily 

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, June 29, 2015

Take on the Supreme Court Decision

When the Supreme a court ruling came down on Friday, I decided to discuss it with my five year old daughter.   She a smart girl and I thought she could handle it and figure that even if the issue itself wouldn't resonate with her, the celebration certainly would.  What five year old girl isn't thrilled about the thought of the Empire State Building and The White House being lid up in a rainbow?   But even past the celebration, I thought this was an important enough event in our country's history that she should know where she was when it came to pass.   

I have always been good at playing the role of the contrarian so can usually find an argument for both sides but this time was different.  I can see both sides of the argument about the death penalty, the war on drugs, Obamacare and even abortion but on this I was lost. 

My daughter, like many kids her age, is incredibly inquisitive and she won't let something pass without asking about it and then asking about the answer and the answer after that.  It is in her nature to want to know why something happens and will not accept 'because', which I guess is the gift of young and unspoiled mind. 

The conversation went like this

So the court ruled today that two women can marry each other, you know like Masi and Aunt K.   As of today the whole country knows they are married. Before today they weren't allowed 

Why were they not allowed before?

Because some people didn't like two girls being married


They said that they couldn't be a true family because they didn't have a papa

But Masi and Aunt K have a real family

Yes, but some people don't think they should

But why?

Because they say that a family should have a papa and mama and that would make the kids happier

But my cousin seems happy. 

Yes, that is true he is a very lucky boy but some people don't think that they should be allowed to be a family

But I don't understand why

They think that everybody should have the same kind of family

But everybody is different 

Yes, but people thought that there was something wrong with that


Because it wasn't what they were taught as kids

Maybe they weren't paying attention, maybe they were distracted 

Maybe. They think that because Masi and Aunt K are married that their own marriage isn't the same


Because they think it changes what marriage and a family is 

But I just don't understand why they can't be a family 

Me neither 

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Sunday, June 28, 2015

Take on Precision Computers

I always wonder how businesses stay in business, a fruit shake place on a county road, a bagel shop without easy parking or a dry cleaner right next to another dry cleaner but nothing has me scratching my head more than the computer store. I have no idea who would ever shop at a place like this yet there still seem to be hundreds of them around. Seems to me that there will be a direct correlation for AOL and people who buy a computer at a place like Precision Computers

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Take on the ISIS guy at the Gay Pride parade

There is nothing that screams Islamic State manifesto better than the Gay Pride Parade so it was not at all surprising when CNN and their swarm of reporters found an ISIS flag at the parade this weekend. These Islamifacists are doing some major outreach here showing some serious love of mankind, and they should be commended for their progressive views.
So here is to you crazy terrorist guy, enjoy the frozen margaritas, banana hammocks and chaps

Friday, June 26, 2015

Take on the guy who parks in front of my house

I have given up any sense of a social life, any hope for a decent restaurant, any level of coolness not to mention the 3 hours per day I give up in commuting time to live in the suburbs.   The two things that make it palatable is that my kids have plenty of room to play and I don't have to search for parking spot. 
But I have come across another issue which makes me want to rip my eyes out, for some reason one of my neighbors has decided to regularly park in front of my house even though they have a driveway, garage and, well, their own sidewalk to park in front of.  I get that it is a free world and I don't have rights over the space in front of my house but I find it incredibly irritating that when I look out of my window it looks like I am living in a strip mall.  There are some laws about overnight parking but it only applies to the winter months but still I always park in my driveway.  If you have a nice neighborhood there is no quicker way to turn a it into a white trash hole than having the streets look like my morning commute through the Lincoln Tunnel 

But as absolutely horrible as it looks on a street as a whole, it would seem that at minimum people have some common courtesy by not leaving their cars parked in front of my house because I moved out to the burbs to not look like I live on 5th avenue. 

Of course, now I am in the position of having to either confront my neighbor which will obviously be awkward and may lead to unneeded bad blood or I play a very passive aggressive game of property rights and start parking in front of his house.  

Or maybe I'll be even more passive and just pee on his hedge 

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Thursday, June 25, 2015

Take on the STD detection condom

We have to give major props to the three high school students who invented a condom that detects STDs. The concept behind it is that when it comes into contact with something like clamydia or syphilis it changes color sort of like one of those mood rings except when this thing turns red you get very not in the mood

The issue we have with this is that as a dude you have to actually insert your JoJo into a chick before her STD has a chance to react to the condom, so at that point how many dudes are able to say "forget this" I'm stopping. The concept is cool but it feels like this thing is like a device that slaps you in the head as you get home drunk after having driven back from the bar.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Take on the blocked cell phone number

I've been dealing with a couple of contractors lately and have dealt with the typical problems when dealing with these guys (unreliable, not finishing work, more expensive than expected etc) so was thrilled to find a guy to do some masonry work who seemed decent and came with a load of positive Angie's List reviews. My issue is that ever time the guy calls, his number shows up as unknown which means I ignore the call. I already hate speaking on my phone, so if you block your cellphone number, I have a good reason to not pick it it up. But I now constantly miss calls from the guy which makes working with him impossible since I need to coordinate a bunch of things and that doesn't work if you spend half the time playing phone tag
I get blocking your number if you are a single girl or whatever but if this is you are a 59 year old man and this is your business line?? WTF

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Take on the prison break plan

I saw today that those two murders broke out of that 'maximum' security prison basically using a couple of files smuggled into the prison inside a cake. I always hear Norman Seabrook come on the air and describe how great these corrections officers work but Jesus Christ these jackasses fell for the oldest trick in the book. We know that these maximum security prisons are held together with duct tape and bubble gum but you gotta watch a couple of 80's cartoon fellas because this is a black eye for the correction officers if I've ever seen one

So now just remember that when David Sweat show up with him Rom Jeremy sized unit that he likes his meat cooked well done and double stuffed

Monday, June 22, 2015

Take on Puff Daddy

Seems like Puffy Combs is a pretty ferocious daddy after all, just today the former producer and part time Knick fan (when they are winning) got charged with assault after swinging a kettlebell at the head of former Jets strength and conditioning coach. The incident stems from some language and tone that Puffy took offense to when the coach, Sal Alosi, was berating his lovable little Justin who happens to be a defensive back on the UCLA men's football team. I get that these coaches are suppose to be teachers or whatever and nobody likes their kid getting berated but the chances are that little Justin was probably not in as good a shape as he should have been and was living off his fatcat lifestyle that his daddy provides for him. I don't begrudge him that lifestyle or that kind of money, but also have to think that if he wants to play big time football he (or his daddy) has to get some thicker skin.

I get that you want to look out for your kid but this guy is an adult playing for a major PAC 12 program and probably has hopes of an NFL career and now it's apparent that his old man is half Archie Manning and half Jimmy Hart

The thing is that Putfy comes across as such a wannabe stooge that he has to resort to a kettlebell because I can't imagine anybody shaking in their boots when he starts an argument without a weapon, but if I am Alosi, I sure as shit stating way from yelling at Snoops son because his old man definitely has connections

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Take on red velvet strap open toed shoes for a man

Was in the bagel shop this weekend and a dude walked in with John Stockton length Bahamas shorts and a pair of red velvet strap on shoes. This look is not acceptable for any dude, I don't care who or what you are. Not only is it ridiculously ugly, they are also completely impractical. You can't wear velvet shoes to the pool and the straps have to make them a total pain to put on and off and the fact they are open toed means that you have to keep your cuticles cut which is about as likely for a dude like me as seeing me shave wearing John Stockton Bahama shorts

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Take on Keith

I should give credit where it is due because I saw this on the Twitter feed of Mike Francesa fanboy @RNs_Funhouse but what the hell is up with the Keith Hernandez photo on the Fox Sports Network? I am a man who has had his face mushed by an Enterprise employee photo, so am aware that this kind of thing can happen but this is a near Hall of Famer, one of the best fielding first basemen in the history of the game, you'd think they'd do a slightly better job with the photoshop cause he looks like he ate Gary Cohen.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Take on Tiger Woods

It's over, it's over, it's over

Tiger Woods missed the cut at the U.S. Open this weekend which will mean that for the fifth time in his career he missed a cut at a major. A lot of people will talk about his swing coach, his putting or his short game but anybody who pays attention is that this is not a golf thing. It has nothing to do with a knee injury or a back injury or a head injury this has to do with a unit injury We are not talking about him breaking his penile muscle but the fact it isn't getting enough strange. His unit isn't getting enough work.
Tiger needs to stop worrying about his driver and start worrying about putting his driver into a bunch of hot young coeds. Ever since he got caught by Erin he has looked more like Jack Nicholson than Jack Nicklaus

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Take on the news media

Twitter went nuts today after the apartheid loving kid shot up a black church asking why the media wasn't taking the white community to task like they would have the Muslim or Black communities had it been one of theirs.  It is true that most of these mass murders are done by a bunch of disgruntled white kids in the 15 to 25 year old age bracket but nobody takes their communities to task for breeding hate 

Twitter had stuff like this 

In which white community was he radicalised? Are there more white terror cells? When will moderate white leaders act?


media won't say tomorrow re: : 1) This was domestic terrorism 2) Gun violence is out of control 3) Black lives matter

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Wednesday, June 17, 2015


I walk through airports or into hotels or down 5th avenue and for the life of me I have no idea how to possibly pronounce BVLGARI. Not only is their stuff ungodly expensive, you can't even tell anybody what you night without sounding like you are clearing your throat.
I don't care as I will never pay that kind of money for a watch or a bag or a pair of socks but I guess it would be nice to know how to possibly string together that many non vowels together. This is what Ukrainian must sound like, I don't even know if the letters are all capitalized or if this is even a word you are suppose to actually say out-loud or if this is like Latin?

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Take on The Donald

Sorry, for the back to back political posts but when the Internet
breaks, we have to take note

Donal J Trump threw his toupee into the political ring today with
disparaging comments about everybody and anybody. The chances of him
winning has to below that of another Donald, the blabbering duck kind
but still he gets attention and we cover it. I don't quite get the
love affair but even we are slaves to entertainment and he is, if
nothing else, that.
But the most outrageous part is that he will somehow translate this
into more money and fame and probably will get himself a couple of new
chicks out of it.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Take on the primary race entry

Is there anything less exciting than when one of these guys who has obviously been circling the presidential wagons decides to formerly throw his or her hat into the ring? Everybody has know that Jeb Bush would be running for president since his brother won election nearly 15 years ago but he came out today with big fanfare and a marching band to formerly announce it. I get that this is all pomp and circumstance and that we'll now spend the next two years dissecting these morons like they are an earth worm and we're a seventh grade biology class but if Jeb or Hillary gets you excited, I can't imagine what a blue pill and Rick Santorum will do for you.

But the Libs have a bunch of old has been a (Hillary, Pataki, the crazy guy from Vermont) and the GOP has a who's who of guys you don't want to run your country. Let's hope for a change they elect Mickey Mouse because the entire field is about as dull as being a wedding guest at the Waldorf Astoria

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Take on the moveable business class

Flying on an inner-European flight on a 737, it's amazing to see what the actual difference between the business class and the economy class is. The entire plane sits three seats across on both sides, the only difference between the front of the plane and the back is that if you paid double the fare, you are guaranteed that nobody sits between you and your row-mate as you don't get any additional luxury or room. The seat is exactly the same, the leg room is identical to the economy plus and the food can't be much different
What is the most amazing is that they can increase the size of the business class by literally moving the partition back any number or rows. This flight only has two rows of business class but if they just unlocked the handles on the partition they could easily bring it back to row 7.
So for an extra $1000 you can be assured to have no seat manage, which seems a bit excessive....until you get a whiff of the Eastern European body odor of my neighbor. There is no partition big enough to separate that stink.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Take on LeBron's junk

I know we are late in this and everything could be said probably has but we must ask one question about Lebron's junk. I have not seen a lot of black men's junk but is it me or does he have a bit of bi racial color tone? Forget that NAACP chick, when they first aired it we thought that the entire thing must have been a mistake because no way does that dude have junk the skin tone of Kevin Love.
We also noticed that the little Aussie point guard was staring right down there, I think this was an obvious setup

Friday, June 12, 2015

Take on the Senate's Seersucker Day

Forget the new trade agreement, constant battles over Obamacare or disagreements over employment numbers, yesterday a bunch of grumpy old white men and a few equality grumpy and equality white old women decided that they would politics aside and don seersucker suits to the Senate. I get that it's one of these cute traditions like a first year senator not taking the floor for some undetermined amount of time, the serving of bean soup and the annual Rand Paul show where he stands up and doesn't got to the bathroom for 28 hours straight but these grumpy old men have to realize that they get completely washed out by the seersucker suit. There is nothing cool about a pasty John McCain or Chuck Schumer or God forbid the whitest man know to earth, Mitch McConnell, in light threads, the only one who might have the complexion to pull it off is Boehner but luckily I don't think The House does this

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Take on The Wine Rack

Whenever you hear somebody disparage innovation and question whether the USA has lost its edge, point them to what is arguable the greatest invention known to man. This is a flask hidden inside of pump up bra. Think the Reebok pumps but instead of $120 horrible looking sneakers, you get a huge rack and a place to hide your booze. There is at least one chick I know who has probably already ordered a couple of them already, one in lacy black, one in flirty white and one in hot red

The only issue I can see Mr. wonderful having with this is that as you drink the booze your boobs get smaller but we can figure out a way to love with that, too.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Take on the weird photo op

I get that being the leader of the free world is a stressful job and I can appreciate having a laugh or two but is it necessary to see the picture of Obama sitting on a bench with Angela Merkel showing the world how large the president's VP really is? With the background of the alps and a Forrest Gump bench the leaders of two of the largest economies in the world had a little fun at the expense of everybody who have suffered because of and everybody who would have suffered had they not implemented some kind of QE.

But one thing is for sure, Angela looks impressed with the president's recovery package

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Take on the $10 drink

I walked into the supermarket his week and in the vegetable aisle, right next to that weird redd leafy salad thing was a new collection of fruit smoothie drinks.   I walked over trying to decide if I'd buy one for lunch tomorrow but was stopped in my tracks immediately. It wasn't the combination of kale, oregano, hemp seeds and acai that made me gag, it was the price tag.  The regular price for a 16 ounce drink was $9.99.   This isn't a freshly squeezed health shake at Equinox, this is some prepackaged compost shoved into a plastic bottle and labeled for some hippy.  For $10 you'd think that you would at least get a nice glass bottle because nothing screams organic like a PVC. 

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Monday, June 8, 2015

Take on the delivered donut

Last week on international donut day the world's largest donut maker announced it will further aid in the destruction on its customer base. Not only does Dunkin' Donut deliver gluttony wrapped in chocolate and sprinkles,
they will now literally deliver it. The donut empire is eyeing a delivery service which will mean that you won't have to get off your fat ass to increase the size of your fat ass, because even less exercise is what this country needs

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Take on the escape note

Two murders escaped a maximum security prison last night using power tools, boring through walls and pipes making it over a six foot catwalk into the great wide openness which is upstate New York.
The miraculous escape made for a real life Shawshank Redemption ending but past the fact they were able to confuse the bumbling guards using stuffed pillows and a Rita Hayworth poster they added a bit of Vern Schillinger in there with a racist note of a smiling buck-toothed Asian man on the way out.
What is more impressive to me than the escape though is the penmanship on the note and the ridiculously straight lines and perfect circles. Whet the heck did they find time to draw with such precision and care, I couldn't draw that with a computer. The escape plan must have taken them months to complete, the letter another week.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Take on the Port Authority commuter chat

You spoke and Port Authority listened, or at least that is what they will have you believe in a few weeks. They put together some commuter chat this week and there was nobody at the tables, which somehow gave the impression that people are happy with The Port Authority. But this was a case of a very strategic "reach-out", one designed to get the least amount of people to actually stop and give their opinions. See instead of advertising this for a month, they just showed up on day, but a couple of tables down and invited people to talk. What they also did was schedule it for 5:30pm on a weekday, right in the middle of the evening rush when everybody is dying to get home knowing there will be tons of delays, on a miserably overcrowded bus after standing on an endless line getting rain water pissed on you from the ceiling because, well, this is Port Authority.
But the PA will inevitably put out a report stating that only 2% of riders complained which only means that exactly 2% of riders stopped probably because their bus had burned down.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Take on The Dad Bod

The latest craze sweeping the country and making MILF's drop their panties is the Dad Bod and apparently I should be able to win the award for Mr. Dad Bod of the year 2015 without much work.

Apparently somebody has taken notice of what real dudes look like and decided it is the latest look. A combination of low muscle tone, eyes filled with stress and a bit of a beer gut and Cosmo is saying it is time to flaunt it. I can embrace it if for no other reason that as a father of three young girls, even the idea of working our regularly is exhausting. It's not that I am too busy or too tired or too old or too content but the combination of all of it really makes you realize that you want to be alive to see your kids grow old but you don't care about looking like Don Johnson while doing it...actually the Dad Bod is exactly what Don Johnson looks like today.

Actually the more I think it it, it it isn't such a novel idea, people for years just called it the Kurt Russell.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Take on Chris Christie

When Chris Christie decided to participate in the Boomer and Carton WFAN True Blue game? He probably thought he was doing something nice for the families of three slain police officers, and was hoping for a little positive publicity in return
Well we hope the event was a success and we know that Christie for some publicity, we just aren't so sure if it was positive. He did make contact and played some infield which wasn't Daniel Murphy awful and he did chat it up with a bunch of other politicians and celebrities but what really stuck out was his gut, or rather his gunt
Chris Christie somehow got shafted by Al Dukes and got handed Jerry Rello's uniform instead of his own because the one he was wearing made him look like a walking pear. No man should be able to have his head turned around and have the same physique on both sides. Christie walks around like he has an ass on the front and the back and I'm not sure his Tyrannosaurus Rex arms can reach to wipe either one.

His presidential hopes went up in smoke last night disappearing into the dark Bronx air because nobody wants a president who looks like he's constipated from the back AND the front

Now stick to trying to fix this state and the unions and the property taxes and the no shopping on Sunday thing and the traffic and the busses and the rest of the hell that I live through everyday...just keep your hands off the bridge

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

take on a National Travesty

There are some events that we can't just let pass by without a comment.  Nobody decides that this is the year they need to repaint the Sistine Chapel, nobody remakes The Beatles Revolver with the expectation that they will improve it, nobody decides to Beethoven's 7th sonata needs a redo but somehow Hollywood has decided that it alone has to right to try to recreate great art..

Whether it's Mad Max, Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Dead or the Longest Yard, it is so apparent that the screenwriters in Hollywood are so untalented and the producers so unimaginative that every major movie is a redo.   We could sort of live with those but we cannot live with the travesty that Hollywood is now threatening us with.   They are talking about remaking The Greatest American movie of all time with The Rock of all people playing the part of Jack Burton, the toughest son-of-a-bitch who ever walked this fine earth played by an absolute goon.    I'm sure they'll ruin it because, well, they will always ruin it..  

I get that these no talent hacks are just looking to profit off of great theater but this super-fan will not spend his $14 on this travesty.  You don't remake Mozart, you don't repaint the Mona Lisa and you don't fucking remake Big Trouble..

I hate Hollywood


TOR has found the following petition (http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/stop-the-big-trouble-in-little-china-remake) which we suspect was started by Baby Stu, we encourage you to sign it, log onto a different email address and sign it again, get a Hotmail account and sign it again and then send a flaming pile of dogcrap to The Rock's house.. 

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Take on the TSA

When I read that the TSA had failed to detect a bomb 67 out of 70 times, I couldn't say I was shocked. There really are no organization in the world less interested in doing anything useful than the entire TSA system. I travel a fair amount and when it comes to the check in line the entire thing looks like typical government work. Fifty people standing around looking at each other and nobody taking any real responsibility. Yeah they will make some grandma take off her shoes so that she is forced to stuff her arthritic ankles back into her Velcro low tops or make a child put her Knuffle Bunny through a big scary machine but God forbid they actually stop somebody from smuggling a f&$@ing bomb onto a plane. This is typical of what happens after a national crisis, big government decides it is time to get even more bloated, inconvenience everybody and strip away their rights and sometimes dignity in the process.

Here is a novel idea, get these guys away from behind heir big stupid machines and get them to do some real detective work with dogs and tips and all that fun stuff.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Take on Bruce Jenner Dickinson

When Bruce Jenner came out today officially as a Caitlyn Jenner our first thought again was "here we go again, another hippy parent butchering a great American name by adding a random y in there although I am happy that they didn't throw a K in there instead of the C because that would be the epitome of horrible parenting "

After that initial shock passed my second thought was, how after this is all of this that Khloe is still the ugliest Kardashian chick?

But we are happy for Bruce/Caitlyn. The body looks pretty good actually, the face still looks a bit like Janice Dickinson 


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