Monday, October 31, 2016

Take on the NFL Dildo

A fiend of mine me ruined that she hadn't watched an NFL game in a few years as her life got busy but sat down this weekend to watch one when she saw a gigantic flying dong come across her screen.  She rightly asked what happened to her beloved NFL and her question isn't the only such one out there.  The NFL has problems and the writing is on the wall for the sport but nobody knows quite why.  The ratings are down 10% year over year and everybody is scratching their heads to why

The ratings for the NFL are down 10% year over year, everybody is trying to figure out why

The election in general taking up everybody's attention 

The debates going head to head with games

The biggest stars retiring, hurt or getting old (Brady, Calvin, ADP, Manning)


Lack of celebration (No Fun League)

Too many TV timeouts

Too expensive to go to games

People turned off by the wife beaters and other thugs and criminals 

The product sort of sucking 

Over-saturation with games Thursday night, Sunday morning, Sunday day, Sunday night and Monday Bight

Most of those games sucking donkey dongs 

They have taken all the hits away and may as well put shirts on the QBs


At the end of the day, it is probably a collection of all of those things, but mostly it is the fact that their core fans are all in their 40's.  They haven't done a good job getting as many young fans interested in the game and the ones that are, like me, have lives that get in the way.   Years ago, I'd find myself in a crappy city in Europe and go out at 2am to watch a crappy Jets game at a crappy Irish pub in a crappy part of town... today I wouldn't go to the lobby to watch anything.   

What it really comes down is that they need less dickheads and more dildos on the field 

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Sunday, October 30, 2016

Take on Theo Riddick's face

22 years ago when OJ Simpson was first accused of murder, Time Magazine was widely criticized for darkening his mug shot to make him look more menacing. It was particularly odd because all of the other weekly news magazines just printed the original mug shot, so sitting next to each other on the newsstand, it was really obvious that Time had altered theirs.  
When I scrolled over to Detroit Lion running back, Theo Riddick's Google Page to see his game log, I noticed they had two photos of Theo next to each other.  It was odd as most players just have one and I guess if they had two they might be two vastly different photos. But in Riddick's case, they are the same exact photo, just one slightly lighter than the other.  I have no idea which one properly represents his skin tone or if one is his summer look and the other his winter look but it seems a bit odd

He went for about 66 yards rushing today, so good for him 

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Saturday, October 29, 2016

Take on Yuengling

I love beer and if it weren't for the fact it would make me incredibly fat I'd drink the stuff everyday.  I love IPA's but never pass up a good lager or ale but the one which I have never found appealing is the cat piss they put in a bottle and call Yuengling.  Maybe it's the fact that the stuff tastes like it's been filtered through size 14 sweat socks or because their claim to fame of being the oldest domestic brewery also means that they probably haven't updated their recipe since militias were carrying our bayonets but the stuff is just wretched. 

But forget my tastes buds, everybody has a  right to their option and political views but now it's gotten personal.  This week Eric Trump met with Dick Yuengling  which was memorialized in a twitter post and which can only be described as a photo of two of the creepiest looking people in a single room.  Eric with that "I'm looking to go bowling with your snatch" smile and Dick with his two sizes too tight khakis and leather bowling shoes. 
It just got worse when the old man threw his full support behind Eric's dad's quest of becoming overlord is the country which Dick probably somehow thought would help his company because the only time people are more likely to get loaded than when they are happy is when they are depressed.  
I believe that anybody has the right to support anybody in the same way that I respect anybody to now never drink that cat piss they call beer again.  This beer is dead to me, Dick Yuengling can spend the rest of his dying days rescuing stray cats or bowling with them, I'll never have another bottle of his cat urine again.   

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Friday, October 28, 2016

Take on Anthony Weiner's web

I guess Danger is his middle name, Anthony Weiner somehow managed to get himself and his party in more heat and for the first time it didn't (directly) involve him sending a dick-pic.  

What frightens and annoys me the most is that Hillary, who has had her eye on the presidency since she left the White House with a bunch of rugs and furs back in January 2001, could be either so corrupt or so careless.   When she set up that server, she must have know that there was a significant change of it coming out, anybody with any sense of US presidential history knows how much the Nixonian play is despised and feared.      She just cannot have been so dumb to think that this would t be a big issue knowing what we know about her intelligence and street-smarts, so the only conclusion I have ever had was that she was hiding something and thought it was worth the risk.   I will still support her fully if for no other reason than that Trump is pure danger but if she loses to this maniac, I will never forgive her for this thing. 

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Thursday, October 27, 2016

Take on Melania Trump's big secret


Back in 2014, the future First Lady of the United States sent her husband a dirty tweet that was probably easily forgotten since her husband was, at that point, just a blowhard TV star.  But like we have all learned, things posted on the internet never die.  
I clicked on the link and saw Melania dressed in some kind of feline bathing suit in a pose that is guess is suppose to be attractive.  The issue isn't the fact that it's a bit odd ogling a future First Lady but what I can't get over is the fact that it looks like she is packing heat.  I have always thought she looked a bit manly but now I'm convinced that the biggest con job TeflonDon is pulling is not that he isn't wearing any clothes it is that he's convincing the world that his wife is actually hot.   She has that plastic face, those manly arms and now it's obvious she is either built like Chyna or she is hung like my Chinese buddy.    

Although this might explain her husband's peculiar way of grabbing a chick.  

Download the Twitter app

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Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Take on the Gary Johnson supporter

What bothers me most about this election is how people will constantly say to me that they can't vote for either candidate as they are equally awful.   They will tell you that they are abstaining or voting for Gary Johnson because they cannot stomach either one as if this is some kind of badge of honor when all it is is an act of cowardice. 
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are not the same, they are the furthest thing from the same and putting them in the same category is an insult and abstaining to vote (or voting Gary Johnson as a protest) is as chicken-shit as it gets. 

 I'd guess that 95 % of the people who "support" Gary Johnson generally know less about Gary Johnson than Gary Johnson knows about international affairs and that is a scary thought. Their non-vote, or their defacto non-vote, is a classic example of passing the buck.  These are people who are ostensibly voting for Trump make no bones about it as they have accepted a Trump presidency as a possibility they could live with.   

The issue is that there is his narrative that Hillary and Trump are two peas in a pod, but they are not. 

One is a serious candidate, with experience, temperament, policy positions etc.  the other is a xenophobic, misogynistic, race baiting child whose 'policy' position is summed up with "believe me".    You can argue about Hillary's positions, decisions or vision for the country, she is far from perfect but she is a serious candidate.  This argument cannot be made for Trump. 

So don't tell me about Gary Johnson unless you are willing to accept responsibility for Donald Trump

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Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Take on the old white lady with the Blacks for Trump sign

Campaigns aren't always fair and they aren't always honest but somehow they at least try to give the appearance that at least they're trying.  This all went to hell when a woman at a Trump rally holding up a "Blacks for Trump" sign right over TeflonDon's shoulder.  I'm trying to figure out if this was an oversight, an old woman trolling Trump or maybe just a lady named Norma Blacks or something.  
One thing is for sure, she is only slightly less weird and creeepy than the dude over her shoulder with the stethoscope  

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Monday, October 24, 2016

Take on Jared Fogel's ex-wife

I read a thing today about Jared Fogel's ex-wife suing Subway because they didn't fire him much earlier.  I get how wrong it is for a corporation to slow play this thing and understand that people are pissed but I'm not quite sure how Mrs Fogel has a case.  She, if anybody, benefitted from the fact that they didn't fire the fat man earlier.  She kept taking in the dough even while he was goggling ore-teens and in sure she lived a pretty good life before he was exposed for being a pervert 

Anyway, I hope he is forced to to play hide the footlong with Biff at the penitentiary.  

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Sunday, October 23, 2016

Take on the CBSSports app

I've been playing fantasy football for years and have been using CBSSports for all of them.  We started on a thing called CBSsportsline but at some point they dropped the sportsline part.  The problem is that over all of these years they had still not figured out how to run an app, the one they have has to be one of the worst things ones in the world considering it cannot complete one of its main core task. Every time you click on an NFL game, the stupid app freezes which is sort of annoying for an app where you constantly click on the NFL games. I literally find myself switching over to safari browser and going to because the cbssports app is so unresponsive, slow and unreliable 

How in 2016 they still cannot figure out how to write even a decent app is amazing to me 

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Saturday, October 22, 2016

Take on the guy who keeps his lunch under the urinal

You gotta think that the spot directly under a urinal is not exactly the most sanitary spot in the world but when somebody uses it as a storage spot, we scratch our heads
Maybe his is sort of a Canadian thing or a hockey thing or a Canadian hockey thing but any way I'be decided that I'm done with Canadian bathroom pissers 

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Friday, October 21, 2016

Take on the restroom survey

JFK decided to add Restroom Survey kiosks to their bathroom walls and honestly I do not know why.   I'm all for clean pissers but do try really need an electronic machine to tell them that there is piss on the seat and  diarrhea on the floor?  

Oh yeah, since most of the vermin that pisses there don't wash their hands after they go, this thing is probably covered in urine, shit and coke.   A JFK bathrooms is what I imagine Mosul is going to look like in a week and nobody is putting up survey monitor things there 

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Thursday, October 20, 2016

take on the third debate

We're three weeks away from the biggest election since..well...four years ago.   I spent the week in Europe having to somehow explain to a bewildered people that there are actually voters in the USA who want Donald Trump to win this thing.   
I did stay up till 4AM to watch the debate which was about as much fun as staying up till 4AM ever is with my eyes glued to CNN.  
the takeaways from the debate will inevitably be three lines.. Bad Hombres, Nasty Woman and I will keep you in suspense, all of which instantly turned Twitter on it's head as the worst thing any major candidate has ever said since.. well a few days ago..

The odd thing with this debate was that for thirty minutes we kind of got presidential Trump which meant that he spoke in that low voice and didn't scream too much and also meant that there were likely thousands of TVs that turned off because presidential Trump is boring Trump. There were no major outbursts, no weird sniffles, no stalking Hillary like she was a gazelle and nothing too outlandish and it looked like we might actually get some, gasp, policy debate..  But ever the showman, it was only a matter of time until we went from some boring scene of a lame man doing lame crap to a full on meltdown and it came right on cue. 

Hillary was better prepared for this one than any of the others and that's saying something as she methodically took down Trump and goaded him until he pulled a Trump and went nuts.   Watching Trump at a debate shows that he really has the attention span of a four year old because after about 22 minutes, he loses it.   He tries to stay the course but it takes almost nothing to rattle him and Hillary just sits back and waits for him to become unhinged.. 

most people will say that his line about keeping us in suspense for his acceptance of the election results was his most dangerous but I think it's worse.  It's not that he will not accept them or that he'll get his crazies to follow suit but that this is a discussion at all.. I believe the American voters will refute the Trump brand with the kind of vigor we haven't seen since Mondale but then again I assume the best about people and think that in general most people will do what is right for humanity..

the only question that remains is whose job was easier.. Tina Fey's 8 years ago or Alec Baldwin's today

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Take on the new Delta uniforms

I caught an article today about some new uniforms for the Delta fight attendants and by the photo, it looks like a bonanza of hotness for  people who leave a lot of business in Minneapolis or Detroit.   The problem is that for somebody who does actually have a lot of business in these places, these uniforms aren't going to be all they are cracked up to be.  First of all, the average flight attendant working for Delta has blue hair and cankles the size of tennis balls.  There is nobody who wants to be on a 14 hour flight from Detroit to Beijing with a chick who is 20 years past menopause who is forced to walk around in a miniskirt and 3 inch heels.  Just leave these ladies with their old aprons and 5pm dinner times and wait for the next generation.... or do what the Asian airlines do and pull a Trump.. just keep reading the last model in for a younger hotter one 

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Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Take on Romanian urinals

Can somebody explain to me what kind of planning goes into a Romanian men's room.  You walk in and find two urinals about 2 feel apart and sitting at a 90 degrees angle from each other.  I remember enough geometry that a squared plus b squared equals me bumping into another dude if we are both taking a leak.  This is especially awkward if one of us is a lefty.   
This setup basically forces you to French kiss the porcelain with you winky which also guarantees you leave the country with her herpes, aids, the clap and one of those coughs that you can't ever seem to kick

Although with the strategically placed drain you can maybe just whip out your Romanian Ursus and piss all over the floor.  

Thanks a lot  

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Monday, October 17, 2016

Take on Charles de Gaulle airport

I hate corn mazes and avoid them at all costs, yet I'm stuck flying through Charles de Gaulle twice per year and that might be worse.   There is no rhyme or reason to how that God forsaken airport is laid out, signs send you backwards, forwards and around, escalators take you up to just take you down again and corridors lead to more corridors which lead to long inter-airport security checks.  It's like walking into one of those tripy posters with the staircase that connect to each other that your acids dropping college neighbor had on his wall, except there his high was better.  
I hate this place with the fervor of a thousand horny bulls which is appropriate be a use the food they serve all tastes like bull balls. 

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Sunday, October 16, 2016

Take on the curb at the departure level

Drive up to any departure area in NYC and there is one overwhelming reminder that you are about to embark on a trip, the smell of smoke.   I'm not taking about the CO2 smell from all the idling cabs, in talking about straight cigarette smell and it is the one thing you can always count on.  There really is no more pathetic look than a bunch of slobs standing in front of an airport jonesing for one hit of nicotine before they get into a flight.   In 2016 with all the known health risks, all the science and all social stigma, why would anybody still smoke?   I'm. It saying that you shouldn't thane the right to do it, I'm saying you have to be a complete moron to still cling to them

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Saturday, October 15, 2016

Take on Dunkin Donuts

I go to Dunkin' Donuts once per week while my daughter takes a gymnastics class and once per week I wonder how the hell our country hasn't dropped dead and in the process created the largest earthquake.   Every person online is ordering a minimum of 1000 calories of absolute junk and the line is always a dozen deep.  There isn't a remotely healthy option on the entire menu and it doesn't seem to bother a soul or hurt business.   
Plus their coffee is overrated 

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Friday, October 14, 2016

Take on the weird confetti thing

When I upgraded to the new iOS, I was hoping for some better usability, maybe some additional apps and potentially a setting to. It have my battery drain.  Instead I got some weird thing that when I type congrats into a text message all this confetti drops down like I won the NBA championship.   There is another trigger word for balloons to come up and I assume there must be one that makes a masked man come out an drop a deuce on your screen while will probably pop up it I'm texting with a customer.  
All these new emoticons and memes and the rest of it is great, if you are a teenage girl but for a forty year old man, I'm not so sure what the hell I need this for. 

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Thursday, October 13, 2016

Take on Mark Burnett

Call my a cynic but when I saw Mark Burnett denounce Trump's campaign it seemed a bit contrived.  I don't care what his personal political leanings are, this is a man who made a lot of money off of Donald Trump and will likely make more in the future and this denouncement comes down to one thing, he doesn't want to release those tapes of Trump
calling a bunch of contestants retards and n-words.  If he is officially pro Trump, people will assume he's in cahoots with Trump and keeping those tapes from becoming public but it he comes across as anti-Trump, people will assume that he would release them if they existed, but since he doesn't, they don't. 

I bet anybody that the Trump's next reality TV show is produced by Burnett. 

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Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Take on Big Chris

Chris Christie flew out to Ridgewood NJ last night for a Donald Trump fundraiser.  We were surprised to see him there for a few reasons... 1) he had been conspicuously absent from the Sunday morning circuit after the release of the Trump-Billy Bush tapes.  

2) we'd think he'd need a larger helicopter than the one the NJ State Troopers have at their disposal, he is, after all, a very large man

But what really bothers us as NJ residents is why he gets to use a state chopper at all??  This is a fundraiser and not even one for himself or for a NJ resident.  Who the hell pays for this trip?  Does is get charged to Trump or am I, the taxpayer, liable for Christie's jaunts around the state. 

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Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Take on Gary Johnson

Hillary's past and Trump's past and future have scared a good amount of people to look at the candidacy of one Gary Johnson.  The problem with Johnson is that the more press he gets, the more apparent it is that he is in way over his head, especially when it comes to foreign policy.  I get that he offers a refreshing alternative and a lot of his policies including recreational drugs seem sound and logical but then when I look at the fact he has a haircut like he is riding the half pipe, I think it might be time to look at Jill not really 

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Monday, October 10, 2016

take on The Stalker

If you haven't convinced the electorate the ruin are an unstable, misogynistic psychopath, maybe lurking behind a woman like you are lion stalking a gazelle will work.   The fact that Donald Trump even walked on stage last night was a miracle to some but not me, somebody so narcissistic, so egomaniacal, so self centered, so warped cannot be corralled because he will never give up the spotlight and the only way we can ever be rid of him is in a straightjacket.   He's like a bad case of jock itch which only gets more red and emboldened when you scratch and gnaw at it but somehow we have a nation which cannot see the fire five feet from their face because, you know, Benghazi.  
Hillary wasn't great yesterday, not heeding her own advice to "go high" although with Trump that can't be easy for even the most disciplined  politician.  And when he gets her in the mud, he wins.  It's like a boxer getting allowing the fight to be dictated by a brawler when they would be better off jabbing, juking and moving. 
But what I can't get is why every political analyst says that regardless of how he was perceived Trump failed to use the opportunity to expand his base, suggesting he should have done a better job outreaching to Hispanics, Muslims or educated white woman as I'd that is even a possibility.   After this week, the month and this campaign, the damage he has done to those (and many other) group is never going to be fixable.  No amount of faux outreach at a debate will now convince an intelligent educated woman to vote for him, a self respecting Muslim to let him wipe it under the rug or a Hispanic voter for selling their soul.  
But Trump has never been about getting more people under the tent, he's about scaring us of a bear in the woods then sticking us all under his tent and then declaring bankruptcy while walking away when a hurricane is bearing down on our campsite 

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Take on the second debate

The Red Wedding has nothing on this Sunday night and the debate hasn't even started yet.   I  have to think that the NFL's dropping ratings this year will not be helped by the biggest shitshow they have ever had to compete against as I even imagine that Al and Collinsworth will be checking their iPhones throughout the night

I'm thinking the following 

Hillary gets the first question and doesn't take the bait, leaving it hanging there like a big matzah ball.  Not because she won't be prepared but because she will be prepared, she doesn't need to pounce on it, she just needs to give TeflonDon enough rope to let him hang himself

Trump will start off in that low voice to try to come off as having some contrition but it won't fly because, well, he's an egotistical scumbag 

Hillary will bait him and Trump will bite into it and then just blow up.  Nothing will be out of bounds, Bill, Vincent Foster, the emails, Benghazi, Monica..everything 

Hillary will just sit back and watch as Trump goes full manic, storms out of the room before storming back to tell Hillary she's a bitch

Everybody will be stunned and nobody will know what to say and then his ratings with his core supporters will jump by 2%

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Saturday, October 8, 2016

Take on the grab them by the pussy

Sometimes headlines write themselves, and today has to be one of those.  The end of our national nightmare might finally almost be over as the Donald shoved his gigantic foot into his gigantic mouth and there is no chance he can pry it loose using those tiny little hands
I do get that there is locker-room banter and every dude has said some regrettable things but mostly those can be written off as childish immaturity, no so much for a then-60 year old public figure.  It didn't escape us that Billy Bush is a cousin of Jeb! who is still trying to get out of the locker that Trump shoved him in during the nomination

The biggest losers today are
- Mike Pence for hitching his Christian valued wagon to this trainwreck 
- Ted Cruz who showed no backbone when he went against his own advice and endorsed Trump
- The American people for having this lunatic on the top of a major ticket 
- FoxNews who turned into the Weather channel and went full Hurricane watch while this thing was unfolding

My only fear is that they somehow convince Trump to drop out leaving Pence on the top of the ticket where he might actually stand a better chance than one with Trump on top

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Friday, October 7, 2016

Take on Auntie Anne's

For all the traveling I do and hours I spend in airports, you'd think that I would have discovered Auntie Anne's before today.   I have to say that with this knowledge, the idea of a three hour delay sound slightly more palatable when you can get a hot dog wrapped in a butter soaked pretzel bun.   Granted it is probably 800 calories and looks like a gigantic uncircumcised penis but once you get past that you realize that this might be the greatest human invention since Thomas Edison roamed the earth. 

Life is finally not terrible 

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Thursday, October 6, 2016

Take on the sidewalk bike rider

Every day I walk through Times Square and everyday I nearly get run off the sidewalk by some psychopath on a CitiBike.  For some reason, the eastern side sidewalk on seventh avenue between 44th street and 42nd street with all the construction has now become bumper cars for pedestrians.  This isn't a one time occurrence, it happens every single day
Nowhere else in the city do bikes occupy the sidewalk but for some reason they all do here and it is ridiculous because they will run the pedestrian right off of the sidewalk. 

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Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Take on the debate.

We stayed up late to watch the VP debate which was like having two middle aged guys argue over who had the hotter girlfriend in high school.  It gave the American public a chance to learn a little about the #2 men without their cohorts sucking the oxygen out of the room which for one night is fine.  

Our impression was the Tim Kaine comes across as the drunk guy at the end of the bar who tries to engage everybody in some conversation they have no interest in having and Pence is John Cougar Mellencamp. 

Neither one came out that well as Pence was low on content and Kaine was high on something but I guess they both filled the role their bosses asked them to do.   Kaine who looks like the guy who after he annoys everybody at the bar walks out and whips out Little Timmy and pees on the street didn't stop interrupting either Pence or the moderator and we half expected him to burst into rhetorical bluster when they played the Star Spangled Banner.  This guy must be a joy to have over for dinner.  

Pence on the other hand came across as confident and calming even if there is nobody in America who actually believes he has any love for Donald Trump.  This was his tryout for the 2020 GOP nomination although the rest of the field will hang him on his Trump support. 

At the end of the day, Pence probably won for no other reason than that Kaine just looks like a drunk chihuahua when he gets into his thing.   I like my VP like I like my Tuesday nights, quiet and boring. 
The good news for GOP was that they didn't have to update their website which probably saved a couple of bucks which in an economy which is apparently falling apart and worse than anything anybody has ever seen has to be a good thing...

By the way Mike Pence, it's Longwood University not Norwood University.   Wide Right 

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Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Take on the Vice Presidential debate

I am a bit of a national political junkie and follow almost everything on the presidential level about as closely as any reasonable person can be expected to.  With that said, the thought of watching Mike Pence and Tim Kaine debating today makes my hair hurt.  I get that its about as important a VP debate that we'll ever have as there is a reasonable chance that our next president either drops dead or is jailed before their term is up.   But I can't tell you how not exited I am about sitting up till 11pm tonight listening to policy minutiae from these two.  The one guy looks like a a cross between Lute Olson and Greg Olsen and the other looks like Jack Nicholson's joker without the makeup.  

But maybe I don't have to watch since the GOP has already announced that Pence has won the debate 

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Monday, October 3, 2016

Take on the Kim Kardashian robbery

Call me a conspiracy theorist but o don't believe for one second that this Kim Kardashian hold-up was at all a true emergency.  This has a made-for-TV setup written all over it from the extravagant jewelry she happened to be sporting, to the fact her body guard happened to be getting a sandwich when they busted into his room to Kanye bursting out of his crappy concert to rush by his distressed wife's side.  Maybe she was really held up, but I sort of doubt it because nothing that family has ever done was not meant for public consumption and this is yet another one which will keep their faltering brand on the cover of US Weekly and People and the National Enquirer, tight where that wretched mother wants them.  

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Sunday, October 2, 2016

Take on apple picking

There is nothing more/less fun than apple picking, and today proved that again.   It's one of those activities which sounds better than it actually is, you schlep two hours out to some orchard only to find that every tattooed derelict  is there picking apple, too.  The apples all seem to have worms in them, the kids scream and complain about wet feet and the entire time I'm trying to forge a smile because my feet are soaked, too.  The problem is that there are a thousand bruised beat up apples all over the ground and either your two year old is likely to pick one up and eat it or your seven year old is bound to pick up a other and throw it at your four year old all while you can't get any cell phone service to check on your crappy fantasy football team 

The good news is I'll be eating apples for a month

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Saturday, October 1, 2016

Take on the Trump taxes

Nothing is more obvious to me than the source for the leaked Trump taxes earlier today.  It comes from the Trump camp and maybe even from Trump himself

The nearly billion dollar paper loss gave him a huge tax loophole, one big enough for him to squeeze his gigantic ego through and explains the reason for the "routine audit" and probably confirms the he hasn't paid a dime in Federal Income taxes in decades.   We believe that this was released at 10pm on a Saturday night by the Trump campaign as it had finally come to a crossroads with the taxes and they needed to have this "leaked" before they went to release his current taxes, so that the no-income tax thing can be properly explained to a sheepish public. 

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