Saturday, February 28, 2009

It's like Billy Corgan set up his own tax code



you are all well aware that my life is bad, sometimes it's worse than other times as I seem to have to take it up the ass from just about anybody and I'm not even wearing any leather chaps.  the insurance companies, cable companies, work, friends and anybody else but now it's time that the Federal Government said  "hey righetti bend over and smile"  cause they banged me in the ass with some kind of Alternative Mimimum Tax (AMT for short).   In other words, all this money you are throwing us every year isn't enough, we will add some more tax to you so that your savings account will look more like your investment account.  One thing is for certain this AMT is like an ATM for the Federal Government.

I completely understand that taxes have to be paid because of all the services the federal government, state government and local governments supposedly offer their citizens but what is infurirating is this alternative bullshit.   I remember alternative use to refer to bands like the Smashing Pumpkins and Weezer not anal probes.  Just like Billy Corgan, I don't like this one bit!!!

for all of you who are not paying your fair share, don't worry cause apparantly Uncle Righetti put down his AMEX at the bar and those Stiumulus Mojitos you're sucking down are free cause tghe federal government just told me that I'm picking up the tab for you!!!!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Taking it up the....



El Presidente seems like he is committed to changing health-care as we know it and it got me to thinking of This has become a huge self-generating problem that builds upon itself.


Been having a round-table discussion with a bunch of people to try to hammer through the issues and the reasons the pricing is so out of control.

Some (not all) of the reason’s you always hear are

  • Cost of Pharmaceuticals
  • Cost of medical liability insurance
  • Cost of schooling for Doctors
  • Cost of hospitals
  • Cost of the uninsured
  • Greed ofthe insurance companies
Well this doesn’t answer anything but still sticks in my craw.

I know this isn’t the main or the only cause but I see one of the main issues being that every time you go to the doctor they try to refer you to somebody else which only perpetuates the concept of a huge healthcare system which feeds upon itself.

The entire thought of having to go and see your primary care when you break your pinky toe to only get a referral to see a foot doctor is idiotic.

In this case this cost too much money for the patient and the insurance companies the only one that makes money are the primary care physician who just pushes paper around. It’s like the first guy you talk to when you call customer service, just somebody to give you enough fluff that hopes you go away.

This happened to me recently when I had the blood in the urine/kidney stone thing. See when I pissed something that was merlot color I knew immediately that I should go and see a urologist. But I first had to see my primary care physician (this is guy who likes to fondle my balls) and pay him a $25 deductible for a visit which could not have lasted more than 2 minutes. On top of the pleasure of stroking my little winky and the $25 I gave him, the visit probably allowed him to bang my insurance company for an additional $50..
Some easy math and we get to $75 total dollars and I get nothing but a referral and a gigantic waste of my own time. To put this into perspective this is the equivalent of 3 lap dances at FlashDancers a beer and still leaves me $5 in singles to give out on the stage. So obviously I can clean my urethra in much better ways.

Well back to me pissing blood..I then went to the urologist and paid another $50 deductible (since he is specialist) and I'm sure he charged my insurance company $100. So in other words the whole thing cost the system $225 for a total of 10 minutes in front of a real doctor, before we ran a single test.
The specialist was fine but the problem is that this keeps the primary care physician busy while not offering any real care and for $225 I am half-way to the Champagne room.

But it doesn't end with this referral nonsense, every time I see Dr. Pervert he prescribes some kind of antibiotic, regardless of the issue. I could have a cold, the flu, a hernia, a hemorrhoid, a broken toe and he will always give you antibiotics or some other drug. Our society is not happy unless they get drugged up and this dependence on medicine just perpetuates the endless cycle. Again the primary care physician is in the tank for the pharmaceuticals, whose sales-guys are probably treated this guy to big steaks at Morton's and big breasts at FD's.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Lets go bowling



So that chick who popped out the 8 kids has been offered to star in a number of Vivid videos for $1 million dollars per year plus health care. Do we really want to promote this kind of sick behavior, even in porn?


I love porn more than just about anybody but there is nothing I’d less want to see than some chick whose vag looks and smells like that baseball glove I left in the rain a couple of years ago and has been more used than one of those automatic bowling bowl retrievers. When I think of porn stars the only bowling analogy I like to think of is 'two in the pink and one in the stink.'

Then again it will probably sell as other freaks have become porn stars including John Bobbitt whose wife cut off his dinky and then he got a penal enlargement which made his dinky look like the alien from Alien, plus all those midgets on Howard Stern have made a decent buck doing it and of course the lovely Tonya Harding had one that seems to sell, so what the hell do I know?


But it did get me thinking, so I've compiled the Righeti list of best Celebrity Porn

1) Pamela and Tommy, just such a classic

2) The Kim Kardashian one, hoya goya!

3) One night in Paris, although the lighting sucks

4) The Pamela and Bret Michaels one, you gotta love that he wore that bandana during the entire thing

5) The one with the chick from Survivor although I have no idea who that was



Then again if MSNBC's Contessa Brewer wanted to star in “Who wants to be a Vag Millionaire” I’d watch.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

This is the TOR take on the non- State of the Union

Couple of comments


What the hell is wrong with Joe Biden, could he possibly look less interested during this thing? Honestly this was me during that terrible movie “He’s just not that into you”. Between checking his blackberry and the verbal gaffes this dude is a cross between Phil Hartman and Righetti on Steroids. I was expecting him to start getting up and start stretching and sighing in the middle of this thing

Pelosi is a mental-patient, between her sweater and constant blinking; I thought she was trying to reach out to the Californians who venture to Nevada’s Area 51. Her smile got bigger and bigger as the evening went on as if she had a rabbit installed in her chair.

In other news, it’s good to see that John Kerry is still alive

I am going to take a bow here but I called this Bobby Jindal being a turd thing before anybody else. I’ve heard for months that this guy is the most articulate guy in the GOP, is so Obama might as well sign up for one of those Bally’s gym memberships because he’s gonna be in Washington for a long-time. Plus Jindal looks like one of the nerds Homer Simpson hung out when he went back to college. It’s like he’s the Indian Mr. Rogers.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

get your asses up!!!


I’ve described in detail that philosophically I don’t agree with bailouts, as a concept in normal situations I don’t believe that taxpayers should pay to prop up some big failing bank or car company. It’s Darwinism at its finest, if you can’t survive than die. But in this case I understand that letting some of these sorry animals die would undermine the entire economy but I do think is that we have to get away from the concept of either keeping them proped up for no reason other than the ‘too big to fail’. And what I’m most sick with it this concept we have going now where the taxpayers has to take all the risk while these big boy bankers, irresponsible homeowners and their crappy investors get all the benefit.


I realize that when a company fails it will hurt investors, shareholders and employees and quite frankly I’m ok with that, this is capitalism and when it doesn’t go well it sucks.
  • If you invest in a pizzeria and the pizzeria fails you should lose your money and I’m fine with that cause this is capitalism
  • I you work at the same pizzeria and you lose your job well that’s life and this is capitalism
  • But if your pizzeria fails but your pizzeria happens to be Dominos you are in luck because Barney Frank likes to eat Dominos and you will now get free pass.
Isn’t capitalism about taking personal risks and getting the benefit and the repercussions of how those risks play out?  There has to be some punishment that is swift, painful and long lasting

So I suggest that the tax payers play a huge game of steroidal asses up. We line up all the people who bought crappy houses they shouldn't have, all the bankers who made fortunes over the last few years hawking crappy investments that they shouldn’t have and all the car company people who built crappy cars they shouldn’t have.. Line them up against the wall but and let Randy Johnson peg them with fastballs at 98 miles per hour.

But unlike asses-up, they should line up facing forward.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Why do smart companies do stupid things?

A few weeks ago after the Mrs got groceries; I went to the refrigerator and started bitching and moaning that my wife had bought the cheap store brand orange juice. You know the watery crap that has no pulp, little flavor and is more acidic than a Grateful Dead concert. Little did I know that this store brand crap she bought was actually the new Tropicana box!
I had a lot of complains :
  • First of all the color on the box looks more yellow than orange, immediately I thought it would be watered down. Orange juice has the word “orange” in the name; doesn't take a genuis to use it!!!
  • second why am I gonna spend $4.50 for a box that looks the same as the generic box that costs $2.23? I have an image to uphold when I have guests over clamoring for orange juice
  • third of all the lettering and layout where totally gone, I love that straw in the orange look, this was brilliant marketing, now they just have letters that you have to turn the box on its side to properly read
  • fourth of all, I’ve never bought anything other than Tropicana, why would you want to alienate a loyal customer? Why have me think that you've gone out of business?
Well the good news is that somebody in the marketing department of Tropicana got bitch-slapped back to their senses and the old traditional box is coming back according to the NY Times.
hey Tropicana clowns.. next time you do this consult with AverageRighetti.blogspot.com

Sunday, February 22, 2009

So let me get this right... People actually willfully move to Florida? This place is like a graveyard for life.. Why in hell somebody would want to actually spend the rest of their life surrounded by Mickey Mouse, old people and beach bums is beyond me.

See I can grasp the concept for my wife's 80 year old grandfather but why a twenty something would move down here is beyond me.

I know the weather is great but that's only half the year. The pace is slow but I'm still young and you can get a good deal on a meal... But lunch starts as I am digesting this morning's eggs, dinner as I'm digesting my lunch and breakfast as I'm digesting last night's steak.

Plus there is no decent sports radio

The entire state should be cast into the sea.


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Golden Girls




The more I think about this financial mess, the more you realize that the human psyche doesn't allow people to ever take blame until they are pushed so far against the wall that there is no way out. Take ARod, the spoiled steroid using third baseman for the NY Yankees or the people who owned that stupid Chimp who mauled that woman's face or that chick who popped out the 8 kids. ARod lied to everybody including Katie Couric (who has gotten a lot better looking recently) when he said he never did steroids and continued to lie until the evidence was overwhelling and then he said that he did do steroids but only for the three year period when he played on the team and for the fans he has no affection for today. It's just too perfect that he stopped the day he put on the pinstripes as he would never discrace this organization with that kind of behavior.


But more importantly nobody has taken credit (or blame) for basically bringing this whole financial thing to it's knees and the only thing I've seen is a combination of a bunch of our worthless elected officials in some dog-and-pony show where they lambasted the heads of the worthless major banks for leasing a worthless private airplane. I know this is a like a week late but I would love my elected officials to do something other than posturing for the cameras. Nothing comes of this, it just proves how idiotic the finance committee member are when they spend 20 minutes asking how many banks have their own private airplanes instead of putting these CEO's feet to the fire to find out why this thing went so wrong.

I remember as a kid thinking that the Congress (and Senators in particular) were the epitome of class, intellingence and responsiblity. But I look at the the collection of jackasses in Washington, it isn't a surprise nothing ever seems to get done. just look at the collection of kooks... from Harry Reid to Lindsay Graham, Chis Dodd, to Mitch McConnell, Chuck Schumer to Joe Lieberman, John Kerry to Orrin Hatch and Harry Reid to crazy man McCain. What do they all have in common? They are old, white and grumpy and probably should be living in some retirement comunity in Florida.

Watching all these 70+ year olds bicker is like watching an episode of the Golden Girls without the laugh-track..

Friday, February 20, 2009

so how the hell did we get here?

So I've been trying to wrap myself around this financial mess and more specifically trying to gather how the hell we got here.
It really came full circle when you try to take this thing from the root-cause to the large effect and then back to the personal effect this whole finanical mess has created for this country and this world.

Basically some 27 year old stripper making $28,000 in Missouri gets a $500,000 home loan which as soon as she hits 30 can't afford anymore cause her saggy boobs aren't bringing any of the boys to the yard. She can't make her mortgage payment, goes into foreclosure and this happens with every stripper, supermarket checkout girl, call girl and diamond salesman and before you know it the entire banking society goes to shit. In about 6 months some ungodly amount of money (lets call it like 8 trillion dollars of money on paper) just disappears from people's portfolio's as the DOW drops from 14,000 to 7500. In the blink of an eye my retirement savings is in the shitter, my company is having layoffs and salary decreases and my house is worth less than what I paid for it cause of a couple of strippers with saggy boobs.

Somehow we were all fooled cause as the DOW grew, all of our assets grew but did they really grow?
the weird thing is that this wasn't real money anyway, there wasn't a big bank robbery on Wall Street where some dude in a mask just ran away with all the money (Bernie Madoff might be the exception here) but nobody took this $8 trillion dollars, it just got wiped out. It was like we all paid into some big pot with money we didn't have and the money we didn't have became more money we didn't have and then one day the magician pulls back the curtain to reveal there was no pot and there was no money.. But the stripper in St. Louis got her house because she thought she had this money and the banks gave her the loan because they figured that some other stripper would come around and buy the first one's house for twice the price. Then they told everybody that this was a sure thing and sold it to the rest of the world as a AAA bond. So we were basing our entire livelihood that this imaginary money would continue to grow at the same rate of inflation that our housing market was growing.. which is great expect for the magician day and now I go to FlashDancers and the chicks are old, the peanuts are stale and the lighting is off.

but somehow the lap dances are still $20.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'm a Yankee fan who just hates the Yankees

I'm not exactly sure when it happened but at some point I decided that I hate baseball and more specifically I hate the Yankees.

Now I am not sure how the hell this went so badly because I love the sport, played it as a kid and coached it for 6 years as an adult. I remember staying up nights listening to radio play-by-play and just praying that Dan Pasqua would just hit a single when the Yanks won the world series in 96 I nearly cried...but somewhere in between signing Roger Clemens, a $200million dollar payroll, ARoid and the Yanks demanding NYC get them more money for their stupid stadium.

The Yankees don't do anything right anymore, the draft badly, trade terribly, sign terrible free agents, play without heart and as an organization have looked the other way too many times with steroids.

the Yankees are so hateable right now, in the 90's they had the most money but at least the players were hard-nose and played the game the right way. See before you could at least think that you were rooting for the Dark Side which I can embrace except the Dark Side actually dominated

I hate having to root for these guys because they aren't your father's Yankees anymore, they are just a group of the highest paid players who as soon as they pull on the pinstriped only achieve to under-achieve.

So let me get play the season out, they are going to spend another $200 million in payroll and compete with teams only spending $40 million and then they are going to have 80% of their shitty team juice..

Apparently somebody should tell them that it isn't working as they haven't won a playoff series in about a decade.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Now I know that this is neccessary if the auto industry needs to survived but thought it was pretty 'interesting' when the GM and Crystler asked for another 14 billion from the Federal Govt today.

As I have said before, if you can't survive as a comapny you better shit or get off the pot. If that means go into bankcrupcy than do that but just throwing money at one of these places so they can spend it again doesn't make any sense.

One of the funny things was that GM said that if they got the money they would cut their workforce by 40,000 people

just kind of ironic to think that we have to give them 14 billion dollars to cut the jobs of 40,000 people. These 40,000 people will not be added to the unemployment rolls and thus have to be taken care of through various social programs including unemployment, medicaid, welfare whatrever. So we are paying $14 billion and for this trouble we will have the honor of taking care of another 40,000 people.

By the way I am 100% aware and in complete aggreement that GM has to become a lot more lean and this is the right thing to do just found it funny as this article was posted right next ton another one which stated the job-losses in January 09.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I'm just not that into you.



Never have I spent a worse $12 than watching "He's just not that into you".


Now I realize that this is entirely my own fault as it looked terrible in the previews but never the less I spent the 2 hours of my life wishing I was dead.  I watched this horror show with a few friend's who have not had the pleasure of seeing me stuck in a theatre for this kind of brutality as I sighed, jittered, moved and groaned in my chair, all the while wanting to do shove a giant ice pick into my urethra.

Enough about me, now to the movie: The cast was terrible, story line brutal and the acting was worse. This is like watching Friends meets the 2008 NY Yankees, too many superstars and not enough pressure on any of them to do anything worthwhile. This was like a cast full of ARod’s heart, Lisa Kudro’s age, Giambi’s face, Joey’s crappy haircut, Jeter’s chick plus you get Ross and Rachel.. In other words 129 minutes of no heart, no passion and no laughs.

The story line is this interwoven story of four or five chicks who all can't seem to get laid on a regular basis by anybody who is actually worth their while. The formerly cute one can't get her boyfriend to marry her cause why buy the cow, the one who looks like a horse is busy giving her husband such a hard time that he starts bagging the one with the big cans, The one who looks like she got stung by bees plays the equivalent of the pathetic chick from high school who is always trying to hang with the cool kids and winds up falling in love with guy in the marching band one and the annoying one is busy online dating and getting nowhere fast.

I rate the stars like this

Jennifer Anniston -> hasn't looked this awful since those pictures surfaced of her pre nose-job. It is sad for her that she plays herself in every movie as the cute chick who can't get keep a dude happy. She must be terrible in the sack.

Jennifer Connelly -> looked like a cross between a horse and a chick who got kicked in the face by the same horse.

Ginnifer Goodwin -> her face looks like those dolls with Xavier Robert's tattoo on their asses

Drew Barrymore -> you know what they say about cute child actors, don't leave them near an open cookie jar, or in her case a cookie truck.

Scarlett Johansen-> Hoya Goya

Ben Affleck -> should stick with those insurance commercials

Schwimmer-> another shitty role

The short guy from Entourage-> pathetic

The blond guy -> I have no idea who this guy is but in my opinion it doesn’t take much to act like you got the hots for Scarlett Johansen

Monday, February 16, 2009

Friday Night Mayhem





You know I love to rant and rave and bitch and complain and since I’m at work today while the rest of you are celebrating Lincoln’s birthday you will have to feel some of my pain by reading a TOR Rant.


I think there is nothing I find more annoying than having somebody throw a party on a Friday Night at some bar that doesn’t starts until 10PM. First of all Friday Night is happy-hour night, you leave work throw back a couple of drinks, maybe grab some dinner and rip it up there.
New York City in particular is perfect for the Friday Evening after work thing, unlike places like Boston or Los Angeles or Fort Lee where you can’t possibly go out until we are 2 hours from your car turning into a pumpkin, New York's pretty people are out early and stay out late.


So the hot-chicks are out early which is of course important, but there is a much more important question:
what the hell am I suppose to do from 6PM when I leave work to 10PM when your party starts?

My options are as follows


  1. Get on the subway and ride it up and down like I’m a homeless person, so if I smell like I sat in urine it's your fault

  2. Get hammered at another bar which will mean I’ll be a puddle of piss by the time I get to this party at 10pm, so if i show up and embarrase you, it's really your own fault

  3. Head home with the thought of coming back into the city, chances of this happening is about 5%, so if i dont' show up, don't blame me..it's your fault.

So I’m putting my foot down.. if you want me to come to your little party on a Friday night, start it at 7pm. If you want to do dinner first, I’m game but don’t have me walk up and down the block like I’m some kind of mental patient.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Paper


So I have a lot of friends who read the paper every day but unlike me they are not responsible for the destructions of 100's of trees per year, as they read it online. I know this is the way of the future but I still wonder if they are losing out on the real pleasure of the paper..you know the feel of turning the actual pages, the grime of the ink on your fingerprints, the layout, the ability to see the whole story on one big page as opposed to reading 6 sentences on my blackberry..


Now I know that the complete destruction of the newspaper industry is right around the corner which is becoming blatantly obvious when you see that the NY Times has already started putting advertisements on the front page. Basically going from 'all the news that's fit to print' to all the news that can fit in between ads for the CBS' new Monday-night lineup and a new sectional couch from Jennifer Convertibles.

So I figured that I should make some lists of reasons to not get the actual paper delivered

  • For one I'm killing trees, although as a good liberal weeny I have committed myself to be an expert recycler,
  • For two it costs me like $25 a month which I've already considered spent a set monthly expense, so this would be like getting a free $25.
  • For three I'm limited to the opinions and editorials that this paper wants to discusses
  • For four there are always a bunch of crappy sections I have no interest in reading like the Sunday Styles or the cullinary section
  • For five are all those coupons and flyers which just weigh me down
  • For six a buddy of mine tells me I look homeless as I walk around with a crunched up newspaper shoved into my jacket pockets.
  • For seven every morning I make the entire D Train commute look like I've decided to train a puppy on the subway

But I can't read the paper on my blackberry and I will not wake up early enough to read it on my laptop.. Which leave my only option the Kindle which is impossible to get and are like $400 even if you can get one..
So until I get the Kindle I am forced to keep paper, plus you never know when you need to put some paper down for a puppy or homeless person on the train.

I have good reasons to keep the actual paper but there is a hidden reason to keep the paper. See I'm afraid that if I cancel my subscription I will find myself picking up one of the options from the newsstand on the platform, in which case I'm stuck between the

  • Daily News who gets their facts wrong a lot but can tell you a lot about the makeup of the Yankee rotation.
  • NY Newsday which would be great if I need to know what happened at the PTA meeting in Huntington Village last night,
  • The Post which is obviously the place to go if you want to know when Lindsay Lohan is going back into rehab but not that good if you want to get a fair assessment of Gaza for example
  • One of those free rags they give out when you are walking to the subway. If the terrible content doesn't get you the hepatitis from the dude pgiving it to you probably will. Plus they make TOR look like the epitome of grammar.

I think I'll stick with what I have.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Walk of Shame down the Canyon of Heroes


So we all know about the walk of shame for a chick when she walks home in the same outfit she had on last night..  You know the look, hair disheveled, leather boots on, torn shirt, makeup smudged..  Basically dressed in the same slutty threads on her back, which she used to get some guy to throw her on her back.

 I have for a long time argued that there is no such a walk for a dude, see for a dude it is not a walk of shame but more like a parade for a conquering hero..this is one of those cases where life just isn't fair and sexism to rear it's head. But there is no prouder moment than when a guy walks down that street, head up high, pep in the step with store keepers slapping you five and kids asking to smell your fingers, random dudes give you the dude-nod..   You know the one, when two strangers are able to talk without making a sound. And one guy just nods because he knows exactly what you just did and he approves.  


The question I have is the following
Is there a walk of shame or a conquering hero parade for a chick who likes chicks?


In this case the chick may feel like the conquered or the conqueree?

The TOR opinion is that there should be no shame in any act which leads to anything involving chicks-who likes-chicks especially after a successful expedition to the mountaintops and the valley.  She should walk head up, chest out and a big grin on her face cause John Glenn’s got nothing on her.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Modern Art Music



Now I’m not the biggest fan of any kind of modern art as I usually spend about five minutes in a modern-art museum looking at a splash of paint on a white canvas and the only thing I want to do is take an ice-pick and shove it in my eye-sockets. Maybe I’m not sophisticated or artsy or anything enough but I am definitely sane enough to realize that most modern art should stay hidden far away.

Well yesterday I was invited to see some a Modern Music composer. Thinking this could be interesting/terrible; I bite my lower lip and decide ‘how bad could it be’. My biggest issue going into this was that I was missing out on some fashion show where the girls are built to race.

I sit down at the Miller theatre in NYC to watch new composer Jefferson Friedman showcase his ‘talents’ through 2 ½ hours of Righetti madness. I can’t sit still in am movie theatre for 20 minutes before I start fidgeting and moving around, imagine me at some classical music concert!!!

Well to call it classical music isn’t really fair… I will try to explain these four arrangements but I can best describe it as Lou Reed’s Metal-Machine Music meets Dream Theatre meets the Philharmonic.

The first act was basically a combination Eddie Van Halen on saxophone, some dude one the drums who would scream in German though a microphone, you know really fast and manic. To call this music is doing a disservice to anybody who has ever put notes to paper; it was like a jack-hammer for 30 straight minutes with a guy who sounds like a german torturer screaming over it. I guess i'm not sophisticated enough for this either because there was nothing musical about it. I felt like poking my ears with an ice-pick through most of this.

The second piece was an arrangement for string quartet which I can best describe it as the sound of a swarm of bees. These guys played so fast that they were literally busting their bows throughout the concert, there was horse hair everywhere. I felt like taking the ice-pick and trying to swat away the bees

After an intermission where they did not serve nearly enough alcohol, they went back to the string quartet which for this piece was actually pretty darn good because the composer decided to stick with melodies, harmonies and themes. I took the ice-pick and tried to see if there was a bar who would exchange it for a Coors Lite.

The fourth piece can best only be described as brutal. Some dude (Craig Wedren from the rock band Shudder To Think) backed up by a group of hippy kids on strings, piano, drums, flute and clarinet singing three songs which sounded like they belonged as the last song to a movie like Narnia except a bit more pompous and a lot less good. I wanted to take the ice-pick and shove it in my groin

The worst thing is that as I’m deciding whether taking the ice-pick out of my groin might be more or less painful than leaving it in, I get a bunch of text messages from my buddies at this fashion-show who bombarding me stuff like

“the chicks are so hot and the beers are so cold”,

“you are really missing out, some chick just bent over right in front of me”

“how’s the concert..:snicker:”

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Alien vs Predator



Who does this
Sitting on the can this morning minding my own business and desperately trying to finish up before the stink overwhelmed me I was rudely interrupted.
Now this is one of these office sh!thouses with a couple of stalls and a couple of urinals and most of the time there is very little foot traffic. This is good as it allows you to do your business in relative peace and quiet.
Well this morning I wasn't alone!!! Some guy plants himself down in the stall next to me. Starts his business and all of sudden the sh!tter is filled with moans, grunts and sighs. How the hell do you expect me to concentrate on the task at hand when it sounds like you are slaughtering a lamb??

The stink is completely suffocating at this point, this guy must have had some of that Bump Chili last night and as he hits his crescendo where it sounds like some alien busting through his stomach when all of a sudden there is a break in the action.
Now the break isn't because he's done, it is not because he is giving up and it is not because he decided on a much needed courtesy flush . The break in the action occurs because we get interrupted by a ringing cell-phone.

Well this jackass stops mid slaughter to answer his phone.. I’m sitting there, work-pants around my ankles thinking ‘You have to be kidding me!!!’ So the groans and moans subside as this guy talks to his wife/girlfriend/'partner' to discuss their dinner plans!!

First of all this stalls the process and delays the much needed clearing-flush but maybe more importantly who in their right mind wants to discuss chicken or tuna for dinner in this atmosphere?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Irony



So in a week that's already given us another WallStreet roller coaster, the new Joe the plumber, and showcased ARod as a total fraud - TOR has come up with the new week's funny moments


  • Standing on a crowded subway being shoved constantly by some fat ghetto chick trying to reserve her private space who just minutes earlier busted onto the train without letting other people off.
  • Sitting at an nice Italian restaurant and having that Pizza Hut commercial come on where they substitute the pasta at a top restaurant with Pizza Hut's pasta in a box without anybody noticing.
  • Tim Geithner announcing the new TARP bailout money to rescue the market and the market taking an immediate 300 point hit
  • The thousands of Obamaniacs who complain about a watered down stimulus bill in an effort to draw Republican support who were the same people who praised his post-partisan ability during the election.
  • Getting a microbrew of the month-club and having the first beer be one brewed in Brooklyn
  • Obama calling on some kid named Julio Osegueda who after speaking for 30 seconds about not getting good work makes it very apparant why he hasn't been able to.
By the way I am calling it now this Julio the McDonalds worker is the new Joe the Plumber. This jackass was interviewed on CNN and MSNBC and apparantly is the new mouthpiece of the stimulus plan.  Before you know it he will be flying to the Middle East as a special convoy.

by the way.. the last Osequeda I heard about was this dude from Death Angel


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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My name is Righetti and I’m addicted to…..



Well this line could be finished with any of the following options and still be true

1) Beer

2) The Internet

3) Pornography

4) Coffee

5) The Good Stuff



But today I’m discussing something else, something even more powerful and something I know even less about than fermented hops, caffeine, Tube8 or anything else. Forget Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, the guys who decoded the DNA, the inventor of the electric car or the person who figured out how to make money selling dirty DVD’s online, there might not have been a bigger invention that has taken my life by storm than the guy who invented the Cheese Doodle.. I don’t even know what this thing is, it stains your hands, has zero nutritional value and makes you a little ill but somehow is deliciously addictive, and you can’t ever eat just one of these dog-doo looking things. A girl at my office bought a bag of this crap the other day and within 15 minutes I was covered from head to toe in orange food-coloring and holding my belly in misery.

Try to answer this question: what the hell is a cheese doodle and you can’t answer “delicious”.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Stimulate Me!!!



After working through the weekend to get a grip on the stimulus package I have come up with the following questions.


By the way I realize I’m simplifying all of this.

But these are some questions I have

I have heard all about ‘shovel-ready’ infrastructure projects and I’m all for it because I do believe we are falling behind with our roads, mass transportation, bridges as well as starting building windmills and other green energy projects including greening of homes Everybody selling this stimulus plan says that these are great new jobs which I’m sure people can agree with. My problem is that these ‘shovel ready’ projects are all great but how the hell does that directly affect the guy in New York City who was just laid off from their corporate job? If I got laid off, an infrastructure job like going to reinforce the Brooklyn Bridge is not going do me diddly squat. I have never hung up a picture and not banged the hammer against my thumb and made it look like a Warner Brothers cartoon. I can see it now, Righetti climbing to the top of a sky-scraper to screw in a light-bulb and then tumbling down when I have to answer a text message coming in.

I know that white-collar jobs are going to be harder for the federal government to just create and even if they are I’m sure a stimulus package with these kinds of job is going to be a harder ‘sell’ to the American public than construction jobs but I think this is important thing to consider. I also realize that the thought is that these construction jobs will put more money into the economy which will eventually mean that there will be hiring in white-collar jobs too, but I wonder how long that will take to trickle down to these gigs.

Basically if we create 1 million jobs building bridges but you only have 500,000 people who know how to use a jack-hammer we might be much further along than projects just not being ‘shovel ready’ we might need a bunch of jobs to be Righetti Ready

Another issue I have is what exactly we are trying to do with the stimulus package. Are we just trying to get the American People back to spending a ton of money? Economists have been saying for years that we as a nation weren’t saving enough and living off too much credit. Well one of the side effects of the economic crisis is that people have begun saving more money and spending less. This is of course not great for the immediate economy but probably IS a good mentality for the long-run.

The bigger question is where are we trying to go with the economy today? Are we hoping that the stimulus package gets us back to a 2005 mentality, a 1995 mentality, a 1985 mentality or a 1955 mentality?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Backack



So somehow in between the Samba class I took Friday Night and the Gluten-Free Pizza, I did some real damage to my body, now this isn't the normal Friday Night damage I do with shots of whiskey and little sleep.  See, I'm not exactly sure how or why but at some point my back went from a flexible Gumby type to a stiff lego-piece.
Now most of the time I am thrilled to not be flailing around like a wet noodle but not this time as somehow I've turned into an old man overnight. When I walk I'm completely hunched  and I can't even think about going for a run, I can't walk up the stairs carrying anything heavier than a Gatorade, I can't stand around, .. So all I do now is sit, suffer and try to blog.   I guess it serves me right for overdoing it in an introductory dance class.  

I remember when Don Mattingly's career was coming to an end because of back problems when he lost all ability to hit for power and Larry Johnson's years with the Knicks where nothing like his first year's with the Hornets in terms of athleticism, and I finally can see why.  It's not that you don't want to do something, it's that your back just doesn't allow you to do it.   

I have to go find some Asian Massage parlor, some sauna, some hot-tub, some vicodin, some anything because I am not sure I'm going to be able to take this much longer

My life is very very very not good

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Gluten our savior of flavor



Had dinner at a pizza place with a couple of chicks-who-like-other-chicks last night, cool atmosphere, kinda pricey, not too loud but all in all a lot of fun.  This the kind of group I get along with swimmingly because we all have the same interests.. you know the whole "we love chicks, we hate dudes" thing. 

Well the dinner was great but little did I know that not only was there no decent meat toppings for the pizza (I guess going to dinner with these pepperoni hating chicks could have tipped me off) but apparently the joint also doesn't add gluten to their pizza dough. 
What is gluten you ask?   well apparently it is the thing in pizza which makes it taste good.  This gluten free pizza was like having cheese and red-sauce on a crust with the texture of rice pudding and the consistency of sponge cake.   I remember years ago there was a commercial for Polio String Cheese and the tag line was "the best part of the pizza without the pizza"  well they should be sued for false advertisement, the best part of the pizza is the gluten.

Gluten not only adds deliciousness it also adds some kind of fiber-strength because this sponge-cake was able to carry the toppings about about as well as trying to do the good stuff after a few too many whiskey shots.  and don't get me started about how this stuff processed through my intestines!!!

If the pizza's texture, consistency and taste wasn't enough to make you want to stick your head in a pizza oven, then the gluten free beer was.  Beer that tastes like apple-cider should not be packaged to look like beer and should not be sold to red-blooded, hard-working, tax paying Americans!!!!

I remember the first time I went to a Chinese restaurant which served their dishes sans MSG.  This is the day I realized that the only good thing about Chinese food is the MSG, without it your eating chicken feet and duck liver.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Ass Juice




Have you ever sat down and felt like you were leaking? Kind of like you are a VOLTRON combination of a pregnant chick leaking and ass sweat.

This doesn’t happen that often but there are certain days when you just don’t feel right and all of a sudden you are leaking like a punctured tire. To be clear this is NOT a situation where you thought you were just going to blow wind but instead found yourself sitting in a warm puddle. I don’t even know how to call it other than ass-juice cause this isn’t really the runs as much as it is lack of muscle strength.

It usually happens when you've had a liquid diet, bad eggs or really runny chili and always seems to happened when you find yourself sitting on the subway or at work. Everything is going just dandy and all of a sudden SPLAT you feel a warm puddle under your ass. There isn’t a warning, a pain, just a lack of pinching powder and then you sitting in a puddle.

How do you build up ass muscle strength so this does happened? Stairmaster, glute buster, ass cruncher?

My life is so incredibly bad.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Rico Ron


With the economy dead on its heels, the Righetti portfolio looking like a hemorrhoidal bath and the manufacturing sector in complete shut-down mode, I figure this is the best time to complain about how bad my life is.

So I think it must be -30 outside today, I’m surprised my gigantic head isn’t suffering from the same kind of shrinkage other parts usually suffer from?




Why is it that every time I go to the gym, there has to be some dude using the hair-dryer on his pubes?

Why is the guy at the gym drying his pubes with said hair-dryer always look like Ron Jeremy?

Why does every guy that looks like Ron Jeremy also look a lot like Rico Suave?

Why does the guy who looks like the Ron Jeremy/Rico Suave combo never look like Ron Jeremy from the top?

Why does this Ron Jeremy Suave guy look like he doesn’t have a job and just hangs out in gym locker rooms?

Why was there a puddle of goo right next to the sauna when Rico Jeremy Suave walked out?

Why doesn’t this Rico Jeremy Suave goo spewing slob cover up with a towel and always wants to air dry?

Why do I have the feeling that when he does use a towel to dry his baby-arm, he just rolls it back up and puts it on the shelf for me to pick up?

Why do I have the feeling that the itch on my back is actually his jock-itch?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Dashing Tom Daschle and Krazy Paul Krugman




Couple of notes on this schmuck

1) Not paying $100,000+ for taxes is just not acceptable for anybody let alone somebody working for the cabinet. So don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out

2) He may have been the best person for the job, so this mess probably put health care reform back 5 years.. thanks Jackass

3) Somebody tell this clown that the Sally Jessie Rafael look is NOT a good one.





The Mrs and I Just went to see “A Conversation with Paul Krugman” and apparently he’s got the a very close up view of the Stimulus package.

His take:

  • the stimulus package is NOT big enough, probably should be about 1.5 trillion dollars.. try to wrap yourself around that number because that is what he thinks it might take to stave off a recession
  • The stimulus package includes some crap, some things he doesn’t like and some things which are OK but probably not the best bang-for-your-buck but all-in-all it sounds like a good package. Infrastructure things add about $1.50 to the GDP for every $1 spent.
  • since a lot of infrastructure stuff isn’t “shovel ready” they couldn’t put much more to it right now since this is still politics and with mid-term elections around the corner they needed something more immediate.. money needs to be spent now not in 10 years
  • in general all the money going to extending unemployment and money going to Medicaid is necessary in a time like this.. working people (or people looking for work) need to be taken care of.
  • Although corporate tax cuts aren’t the end of the world it is not his preferred method of stimulus since companies will probably not use the money to hire new employees and make long term capital expenditures right now will save it or pass it along to shareholders, owners, etc.
But the project Krugman thinks the stimulus which the bill leaves out because Obama doesn’t want to go to battle with this right now is the one that would actually make the biggest difference is health-care reform. Well now back to Daschle… the stimulus he fights for more than anything is health-care reform. Social Security was created as part of the New Deal during the depression so this is not unprecedented during this financial mess.

His point is that if we had more of a universal health-care it would take long-term burden off businesses since health-care is what is crippling business and would allow them to make more capital investments and hire more people which would both stimulate the economy, help the unemployment rate and start producing more products.  He said that Medicaid costs 40% less than normal health-care so it actually is a much more efficient dollar-for-dollar program than anything we have today.

 
now my review of
Now my review of the Krugman thing.


1) In general everybody in the audience respects him too much or just doesn’t have a strong opinion on what he is talking about, so none of the audience questions took anything he said to task. Take this same format and put Thomas Friedman on the stage and you may have a riot of chicken feathers

2) We were easily 20 years younger than the median age at this thing. It was a crowd of about 250 people and 248 of them were either 65 year Jewish people trained in from Long-Island or 65 year old Jewish people bused in from Northern New Jersey.

3) He didn’t take Bush to task for much, actually kind of conceding that this was much more a Reaganomics issue which Clinton participated in.. the one who got beat up was Crazy Allan Greenspan.

4) The moderator, Andy Rosenthal (the editor of the opinion pages at the New York Times) was way too buddy-buddy with Krugman.. You need a moderator to put some hard questions in front of these guys, not just let them babble

5) Krugman is about the hardest person to listen to as he takes forever to get a point out. The topics and his insight are very interesting but it feels like he would cover twice the material if he could just get it out of this mouth.


sorry for the somewhat serious blog-post today, we'll be back to making fun of people and stories about diarrhea tomorrow ..

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Guitar Zero

I have nothing against this game so stop the hatred and the hate-mail BUT something has to be said.

I think you all know my position on
1) The state of Rock & Roll today (it sucks)
2) The state of kids today (they suck)
Really there are not many more despicable acts out there than seeing kids refuse to play baseball with their friends because they are engorged in some World of Warcraft game. Adults playing this crap is bad enough but when I was 15 and if I would have had access to the internet I would have doing one thing.. Searching for Porn!!!

Today’s generation is busy with stupid games, stupid IM’s, stupid chats and stupid stupidity and quite frankly I’m sick of it because this generation is going to get outmuscled by the Indians and Chinese for the work ethic and worse yet might get outmuscled in the gym too if they continue down this path. The problem is that too many kids play John Madden’s instead of actual football, play the WII instead of playing tennis and play fucking Guitar Hero or Rock Band instead of making music.

I walked past the window of Best Buy a few months ago and saw a bunch of kids age 13 to 18 sitting together playing Rock Band 2 and thought to myself that we as a nation are completely fucked.
I get that Guitar Hero or Rock Band is a fun game to play with a couple of buddies and a couple of beers but this is the antithesis of Rock & Roll and this proves again that our next generation are going to fall down so hard on their faces that their elbow guards and face-masks can’t protect ‘em. Guitar Hero takes away everything that Rock & Roll should be about; it strips away all the bad elements which define Rock and is where the heart of Rock & Roll resides. There is no musical ability to this crap; there are no grungy bars or moldy basements to play in. There is no place to write your own music, there are no fucking strings!!!

I spent hours trying to learn the beginning of Sweet Child O’ Mine on my guitar and hours trying to get my voice to sound like Layne Staley’s Would? These kids are worried about scoring points but what they fail to see is that Rock & Roll is not a game it’s an experience
I promise you this.. if you allow encourage your kids to play Guitar Hero instead of something that might actually be creative you are also probably going to shelter them from Physical Graffiti, Born to Run, Pump or Paranoid and in the process Pussy-fy your kid and you will be responsible for our great nation falling to the mighty strength of the Indians and Chinese.

Forget Japan’s Lost Decade, we are in for our own lost generation. The 2000’s have already sucked musically and the way this stuff goes I’m sure we are going to lose another generation to the heart and pain of Rock & Roll.

This is what our generation has to bring:

Monday, February 2, 2009

Superbowl shuffle


I love the Superbowl cause it’s the quintessential American holiday. Everybody in the country sits around eats tons of chips, burgers, chili and lite beer. You know that wherever you are, somebody’s gluttonous behavior will be rewarded with clogged arteries and an every expanding waist-line.


Few comments about the game.

1) The commercials totally sucked.. nothing interesting, nothing to talk about the next day, nothing, nothing

2) I love Bruce, I’ve seen Bruce live ten times in my life, own every album before and including the Rising and am proud to say I’m from New Jersey but that halftime show was terrible. When they did that referee coming out thing with the delay of game thing Frank Sinatra turned over in his grave. I was expecting Timberland and Timberlake to come out at any time.

3) Santonio Holmes’ catch will be on highlight reels for ever.  I did not think Big Ben had the Big Balls to make that throw

4) But most importantly, when the hell did Kurt Warner’s wife become MILF hot? She went from looking like the fifth member of the Golden Girls to a chick who ten years ago could have been on Girls Next Door. That chick must be drinking some of that Benjamin Button stuff or maybe it’s just the love of Jesus that brings back life.


 
Then again maybe this is they realized that a husband and wife should not have the same crappy haircut

Sunday, February 1, 2009

F-Off

what doesn't make any sense to me is the way the MTA seems too indiscriminately decide to stop service on the weekends.. It is not that I don't believe public works are important and necessary, far from it.
What annoys me an I'm sure my 10 million other passengers is how vague the MTA is about what work is getting done and how long realistically we are going to have to watch service change announcements.. But even if you live with the bureaucratic bullshit is the clustf*ck rat maze they make you traverse to get to where you need to go.

The question is if the G is running on the F line, F is running on C line, the G is extending from its normal line and then what line is getting fixed?

I think this is just a way to give the C line operators the weekend off at our expense
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