Monday, August 31, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
You know what, I am actually rooting for him to get concussed so he can be forced to stay home and recover with Ciara...after they have tied the knot of course
Thursday, August 27, 2015
I am not sure what to do to avoid a high profile televised murder like this but I doubt giving the thing front page sensational coverage is going to help. I don't pretend to believe that the news should not cover shootings especially ones that captivates a country but to let this dude go down in infamy exactly how he hoped to be remembered in the most grotesque method possible is just awful
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
So take your ultra competitive double blind, auction, points per reception, best ball big money league and shove it up your five home. As I have gotten older, the less cool the idea is. Now don't get me wrong, a big trade in my keeper league will still get my juice boiling but the thought of doing hours of prep like I did years ago in anticipation for the rookie draft makes me want to vomit. I try to read a couple of articles, check out a few YouTube highlights and look at some expert rankings but overall I can't think of many things I'd less want to do than try to figure out how Gurley is going to be used or whether Duke Johnson can beat out the bums ahead of him and if so, why it would matter.
I will be excited Friday night but probably won't let it preoccupy me leading up to it that day and certainly think that by the time my head hits the pillow I'll be thinking of something else
Long live the SHFFL
Monday, August 24, 2015
Apparently they weren't made well but when I saw that 51,000 pairs of Madewell sandals were recalled I assumed it was just because they ugly. I am not sure how many times we must go over this but these things are an example why the terrorist have won and Donald Trump may soon, too. No woman in her right mind should be caught dead wearing these bits, unless she is herself Cleopatra or she is homeless because Madewell sandals are as attractive in a chick as one of those skin toned bulky brasiers.
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Sunday, August 23, 2015
Another lame Saturday, another lame Yankee pre game ceremony. This time they retired Jorge Posada's number, the last of the "core four" although he didn't have that much to do with the 96 team. Anyway, they decided that they needed to retire him number which now means he joins legends Mantle, Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio along with such non Yankee legends as Billy "a few too many" Martin, Andy "PED" Pettitte and Reggie "only played five years as a Yankee" Jackson. Even Bernie, Donnie and Guidry are not all time Yankees and they have retired about five managers, a bat boy, the clubhouse attendant and the lead groundskeeper for his rendition of YMCA.
I'm sure ARod and Texiera and Brett Gardner days await us soon. I'm still waiting for them to finally retire #19, a true legend who was invaluable to the success of the Yanks of my youth should be hung up there too..yes I mean Yankee great Luis Sojo
This team sucks
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Saturday, August 22, 2015
But in China their rating scale is even more ominous, the B grade has a corresponding face that looks like the little figure is going to have a rough night on the can, C looks like he is going to die and A looks like he just got a hand job, which they might actually give out in this particular restaurant.
Friday, August 21, 2015
I stood on a line today which literally took 40 minutes to get through and this is typical. See in China there is no push for efficiency, in a country where everybody works, nobody rushes. We went from Beijing to Shanghai today and instead of flying, we took a train. Now it was a high speed train routinely doing 300km/hour but when two cities are 1200 kilometers apart and you make multiple stops that train ride takes 6+ hours. Most of the time you'd say that getting to and getting from an airport would add time but it wasn't like the train station was anywhere near my hotel anyway, it took an hour by cab. Then my hotel in Shanghai was another 45 minute subway ride away. So the entire day started at 7:30am and will conclude at nearly 5pm. I'd have to think any flight combo would have been vastly faster. But I asked why we didn't fly and was only stared at like I had two heads. The reason is that the train is $80 and the flight $200, the $120 extra is not worth he extra 5 hours of my life apparently
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
I am not sure who would eat this willingly but I just throw some on my plate and shovel it into my napkin which I empty into my Chinese business associates bag. He'll probably be happy when he finds it in a week
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
There was an English study done (https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/perceptions-of-perfection/)
using photoshop to find the ideal woman based on body type, hair style, BMI, height, weight and curves to determine how the world sees difference in perfection. The results were striking and proved again how the U.S. leads he world in just about everything. The ideal Spanish chick was 5'2 and 250 pounds and looked like she was smuggling a sombrero in her shorts while the ideal Chinese chick was 5'2" 92 pounds with the body of a 12 year old boy. The U.S. On the other hand nailed this thing with just enough oomph where it counts while not having any extra where it makes it look like I'm looking in a mirror at myself.
The U.S. version comes in at 9.1 stones (not sure what the hell that means) but looks like there is enough cushion for the pushin without feeling like you are propped up with one of those husband pillows.
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Monday, August 17, 2015
It is not just me, Every person walking around looks weathered, like they oiled up their face, threw a baseball into it, wrapped it with a rubber band and then stuck it under the couch cushion. A five year old looks like they are six, a 14 year old looks 20, a 30 year old looks 40 and a 49 year old is dead
The life expectancy here can't be much above 60, with the smog, congestion, pollution, rice bowl haircuts, green bile, purple rivers, three eyes fish and the four packs of unfiltered cancer sticks they all smoke. But the worst thing is that air, because it is as thick as a piece of pork fat and about as appealing to bite into
Only five days to go
Sunday, August 16, 2015
I have a friend who travels more than anybody I know. He has easily been to Europe 300 times, to Japan 60 times, to Korea 20 times, to China 20 times, to Africa 20 times, to India 25 times and around the country hundreds more. He has hit the million miler point on multiple airlines and it's not uncommon for him to fly back and forth to India, come home for the weekend and then fly back and forth to South Africa on Monday, like he is doing the next few weeks
I've grilled him on the ways of travel, how to get enough sleep, how to avoid getting sick, how to overcome jet-lag and how to do it all without going nuts and in all the advice he has bestowed there is one piece I subscribe to unequivocally: when you get into the plane for a long haul, the first thing you do is get out of your jeans and get into your pajamas. I used to think this was ludicrous but now I realize the thought of 14 hours of swamp ass in denim is no way to fly. Pajama pants are key, especially ones with pockets to keep a few valuables in case you need to take a leak
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Saturday, August 15, 2015
What is most distressing as I am about to board a flight to Shanghai is that you know that once I am there, I will have no ability to get information which you could believe to be completely accurate and reliable.
We'll do our best to report our findings when we get on the ground but I am planning to fill up on food at the lounge before we take off
Friday, August 14, 2015
Anyway, my yard was soaked, my street was a pool and El Niño himself was smoking a cigarette in my bed.
I just hope for Georgia that he manscaped
Thursday, August 13, 2015
It was 1999, I just bought a 1991 Jeep Wrangler in stick with 100,000 miles on it for $6500 and was told the thing would run for 200,000. It was forest green, had a soft top and I could kick it into four wheel drive with a manual pull stick and it was awesome, sort of
The weekend I got the Jeep coincided with the the first time I was dating a chick since I was in high school. This was an accomplishment in itself but most people were impressed because unlike the other chicks I'd mess around with at that time, this one didn't outweigh me by 30 pounds which is quite a feat when you consider that I was clocking it at 245. We are dating for a few weeks and we decide to hit the beach with a few friends, two other couples jump into my buddy's Passat and this girl and I jump into the Jeep. It's the summer of 2000 I don't have a care in the world and am flying high hoping to get a piece of ass for the first time in a decade. I get the car filled up with 87 unleaded, I got my CD carrousel packed with all the greatest classic rock hits, I got printed directions off of MapQuest and had stopped at 7/11 for a Big Gulp. I have a towel and a bathing suit and had spent an hour getting the stupid soft top off the Jeep before picking her up but the world was great.
I got the Stones blasting as we hit the highway and right away I realize that we have a problem, I can't hear a thing she says. The wind is blowing like I'm in a wind tunnel, her hair is smacking her in the face and the smell of the Turnpike is unbearable. We can't hear Jagger, we can't hear each other, we can't hear anything other than the sound of 60 mile per hour winds. But it is a beautiful day and we are an hour out..until we hit the Parkway. It is summer in New Jersey which means the parkway is a parking lot and with the top down and it being 1000 degrees out, the sun is burning a hole into my skin, we're sitting in bumper to bumper traffic and burning to a crisp but this close to getting some tail, I am way too scared to look like a pussy and pull over to get the top back up.
It is 12:30 by the time we pull into the parking lot and now I got to put he top back up because we're in one of those crap shore towns and I'm afraid that some frat boy is going to piss in my car, so there I am, sweating like only a 245 pound hog does, trying to pull that stupid soft tarp back over the top. It is easily taking me 25 minutes, my buddies are all at the beach throwing the football around and drinking Coors Lite and I am standing there hot, sun burned and frustrated with my new girlfriend looking at me like I am a complete imbecile
A half hour later we stroll into the beach, I step of a sea shell, I realize I forgot my wallet in the jeep, I burn even more and after going in the ocean I realize that I brought a stained towel.
We hang or for a few hours, not of the time with me hunched over trying to capture any hope of shade I can and by date looking on concerned thinking I probably have a heat stroke
Finally, We head back to the car, she asks if we should take the top down again which I think to mean is what she wants to do. 20 minutes of work later we sit back in the same crap traffic except now I am wearing a wet bathing suit and I can feel the pimples growing on my ass and we head back home in the same miserable sun with no cover and no chance to have a conversation.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Anyway bring on Bryce
Monday, August 10, 2015
But here is a prediction, Google will take that mountain of cash and go from Everest and become Camelback. Google is really good at a couple of things, searching, organizing and storage and that is where all their money is but now they decided they have to invest in driverless cars and anti-aging creams which might be a good thing for that 50 year old drunk chick at the bar.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Friday, August 7, 2015
I knew that the first debate would draw an audience but when I saw te numbers this afternoon that the first GOP debate got 24 million eyeballs, I was shocked
That means that the debate reached the equivalent of 10% of the entire
American adult population in the dead of summer when television networks go on hiatus since nobody watches anything.
I also the following stat
Gabriel Debenedetti of Politico noted that more people watched the prime time debate "than voted over the course of the entire 2012 GOP primary (18.9 million)."
Now obviously this wasn't just an example of 24 million republicans tuning in to learn more about their favorite candidate but rather an example of the appeal to one Donald J. Trump. Four years ago this first debate got 3.6 million viewers and probably had a lot of the same characters, so Trump alone is worth 20 million viewers which coincidentally is the number of viewers the Apprentice used to get.
The thing is that although Trump got the most airtime, most attention, most coverage and the most difficult questions, his competitors had to be happy because had it not been for Trump we would have no idea who a few of them are (Carson, Kasich) and a few of them would have been out of this race before Labor Day as nobody would have cared (Christie, Huckabee). And a couple of them would have remained total fringe candidates that nobody in their right mind would have voted for anyway (Rand Paul, Ted Cruz) so for all of those guys this debate was great because it gave them airtime even limited and gave us a chance to find out a little bit about them.
It wasn't as good for the top three legitimate candidates
Jeb looked nervous, uninspired and it felt like old mama Bush was forcing him to do this thing like a kid who has to do a piano recital
Walker was pasty and boring and no president should have a bald spot that big
Rubio made you wish he was reaching for a Poland Spring bottle with how awkward he was and his ears look like he only needed a feather to fly away
The only one that made me think was the guy I couldn't have picked out of a lineup..Kasich. That dude was a breath of fresh air as the only guy not pandering to the hard religious right. He went from first guy off the island to legitimate contender..at least in this political pundits eyes
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Thursday, August 6, 2015
Despite having gotten only 3 hours on uninterrupted sleep last night and having had a generally miserable sleep week, I will be staying up way later than my 10:30 bedtime tonight as the combination of the debate and the last Daily Show is too much to pass up
I realize that The Daily Show will continue but so did Van Halen with David Lee Roth quit and look how that worked out. Maybe still a money cow but just not nearly as good. I imagine it is not the end of Jon Stewart -although I hope he doesn't bore us with another directorial attempt- and comes back and does a podcast or webcast or something but until then coverage of the political landscape will be a lot more boring.
Whereas 11pm will be bittersweet, the Debate a few hours earlier will probably come up lame as @drewmagary says. Ten people debating isn't a debate. It's just a shitty conference call.
But just as people listened into Howard Stern just to find out what he would say next, the nation will be glued to Fox's debate to see what The Donald will come up with next.
I imagine he'll try too hard and the other 9 idiots will try even harder to be quirky and funny all while taking backhanded swipes at him, so like a Mayweather fight it will be way more hype than action but still you will need to watch
So let's hope the gloves come off and we're in for 12 rounds, which are probably the amount of rebates they'll have. Thinking about it, they really should just go American Idol style here and vote one guy off the stage each time until we're left with one. let's just hope it's Carrie a Underwood and not one of those nameless schleps from the last few seasons
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Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
I was speaking with a couple of buddies this weekend about Trader Joe's, the hierarchy basically breaks down like this
- Chips, crackers and other junk food for snacks
- Frozen items like the dumplings, the pizza and the pancakes
- packaged cold-cuts
- wine (not in NJ sadly)
everything else is basically horrible, their produce looks like my ass, the chicken smells like my ass and their fruit tastes like my ass.. so unless you like the feel and taste of pimpled five-hole, stick with the prepacked stuff.
If you buy a pack of organic chicken it is bad easily 5 days before the sell-by date, the bread has more growth than the underside of a boat and the milk tastes like I've been soaking my feet in it..
Monday, August 3, 2015
The thing is that this chick is a total combination of badass and nerd as she is the baddest woman on the planet whe also being an avid fan of comic books, WWE and WoW. I mean you cannot get dorkier than that yet the question remains..would you last longer in the octagon or her four post bed?? I'd say the octagon and that is knowing she's beat me like a mule
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Since we have limited space, we'll leave it only for the ones who have a shot
4-1 odds Jeb. He looks just like Mike Francesa, sounds like a giant turd and has the same genetic makeup of the biggest screwup of a president but he's married to a Hispanic woman, seems to be sensible and not a total nutcase (compared to the other guys in the field). He has name recognition, was a governor of a big swing state, looks like the mind of dweeb who wears dockers on a Sunday but falls in that "the evil you know is better than the evil you don't" category for most
8-1 Scott Walker. Honestly he is winning this republican nomination thing and it won't be close but he can't be considered a favorite until he walks up to Jeb and gives him a wedgie, hopefully it of the atomic variety
14-1 Rubio. Might be higher if he can get a more clear consistent message and stops playing to the crazies
20-1. Christie. His chances are probably lower but he will destroy in the debates
30-1 the black guy. Ben Carson
35-1 Rand Paul. Sorry Zed but we're not ready for his type of truth and anybody who believes that 9/11 was an inside job probably shouldn't hold a top office positron
40-1 Ted Cruz. He is considered the intellectual voice of the TeaParty movement which is like saying you are the the skinniest guy at fat camp
There is no chance in hell he wins the nomination, zero. Still he is higher than the next few chumps
45-1 Huckabee. I swear to you that this guy has Hulk Hogan skeletons in his closet. (The bang your buddy's wife type not the hate on Virgil type)
55-1 Trump. He is 10-1 odds worse than Huckabee and Huckabee has NO shot. His fall from the top will be meteoric but entertaining all the way through
The rest of them: Bobby Jindal is a giant turd, Pataki is a douce, Fiorina would lose an election for 8th grade treasure yet she still continues to blow her fortune running, Kasich the average American hasn't heard of him, even the politically involved couldn't pull him out of a lineup and even his own wife wouldn't vote for him. Lindsay Graham, sorry dude but no. Rick Perry put on those glasses and hopes nobody recognizes him as the giant troll that he is. Rick Santorum has as much of a shot as he did four years ago, four years before that and four years before that and then there are a few other guys who I can't remember which is probably a good thing..or not
Saturday, August 1, 2015
If you feel the need to take the photo, at least out down the toilet seat, this entire thing looks like a the mind of thing you'd find at the type of motel you'd refuse to stay at..and they want you to buy this one