Thursday, December 31, 2015

Take on Times Square New Years

About a decade and a half ago about ten buddies and I trike led down to Times Square, we had backpacks filled with booze (pre 9/11) we had bladders full of booze and we had ridiculous energy. We showed up at about 6pm and waited for six hours drinking our faces off. The issue was that they would not let you leave the pen you were in, so after two hours of drinking, everybody was dying. There just wasn't anyway you could go and it was only 8pm, so we devised up a scheme. All the dudes would huddle up like we were a college football offense in a giant circle and whip out their dickies and then proceed to piss in the empty forty ouncers. The issue was that the drinker we got, the worse the aim got. But everybody stuck to the plan..well everybody except one dude who kept pissing in his forty and then would hold it up high to cheers the world and then drop it, breaking it into a thousand pieces and splattering piss all over everybody's shoes and pants
Fast forward to 11:59, the world is looking up to the ball and the -drop the forty on the ground- dude looked at me and said "I really gotta go". I tell him to hold it for 45 seconds and we'd find a bar but he says he can't. He asked if we can get the huddle back but I told him that it was impossible, we were now squeezed towards the front and there was nowhere to go...well he is dying and he looks like he is going to cry, and he asks me for permission..I am drunk and tell him "why not". He takes out his minuscule zingy and starts pissing right there. The issue was that we were pressed up against the people in front of us, so he is literally pissing against this couple standing there about to kiss to ring in the new year. My buddy is like a dog and these two are a hydrant. The couple turns around and look at him and are like "what the f&ck?!?" My buddy just laughs and says "I can't hold it". The dude winds up like he is going to clock my buddy and then the ball falls and the entire place turns into jubilation. We duck out in the chaos and disappear in the crowd, my buddy still holding his dinky which he wipes on the back of a guy's new Tommy Hilfiger coat and we are back in NJ an hour later...after another buddy pukes all over the NJ transit bus

Happy New Year!!!

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Take on Pataki

Yesterday George Pataki dropped out of the republican race and it was met with the same fanfare as the rest of his campaign has brought.... The question will now be where his (4) supporters will go. I mean Mrs Pataki and his kids are going to vote, right?

The saddest thing about Pataki and his crappy camps is that he always came across as second fiddle as governor to Giuliani, so nobody can be shocked that this didn't work out.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Take on the Guns N Roses reunion

It is official, sort of...Guns N Roses will reunite for something called the Coachella concert which I can only imagine is like Lollapalooza meets a handbag collection or something but at least this will rock.

Then they will reportedly do a 25 football stadium tour and I will be happily shell out $500 or a seat. And for that I don't want much, I don't need backup singers, organs, flutes or anything. I just want 1988 back and I want it loud and fast and I want it rocking.

I am talking the original lineup, Axl, Slash, Duff. Izzy and Steven..or Matt I'm cool with that too. Forget Dizzy, forget Buckethead and Bumblefoot and DJ Jazzy Azra and whomever, I just need he original five and I need them to start with Welcome to the Jungle and end with Rocket Queen and I will die happy. It will book-end 25 years of my life perfectly. The first time as a 15 year old kid at Giants Stadium and then as a 40 year old father of three at fit will still rock.

I cannot wait.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Take on the Japan-South Korean agreement on the comfort women

Today a group of hundreds of thousands of Korean women got their day in the sun, sadly for them all but a few dozen are still alive to bask in it. The Japanese finally admitted to the dirty secret everybody has known for decades, that their Imperial Army kidnapped women across the Sea of Japan and enslaved them as sex workers with some of then servicing 60 to 70 tiny penised Japanese guys per day.
What bothers us is that this apology took 80 years and when it did we cynically note that the agreed upon damages ($100 million yen) sounds like a lot but is only $8.3million dollars and then it isn't even paid out to the victims as it goes to some fund to be used for healthcare for the survivors. Yeah, this is great but is it just me or does it seem that they waited till there were less than 50 people left, keeping the total amount they had to pay down significantly. And really, for having to be a forced sex slave, these women are now given $180k each in health care when they are 90 years old, health services they are probably already given by their own government.
And for this big acknowledgement of guilt and the minor payment, it finally normalizes relations between the two countries. Pretty small price to pay for Japan I'd say

This would be a big FU from me if I were some 90 year old Korean grandmother who is told that reparations have been made in my name so that we can sell them a bunch of Samsung TV's and get a bunch of PlayStation IVs

No thanks

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Take on the Christmas presents

We are 4 days past Christmas and there are four bags of toys still sitting in my living room. They were given to them from various friends and family members and will never ever be used. It is not that they are cheap, broken or whatever, it is just that they already have totes, lots and lots of them, so buying them lots more only means that they pile up until I get annoyed an throw them away. So this year, the boxes aren't getting opened, the clothes are not being washed and the puzzles aren't being made. They are all going right to goodwill, sight unseen

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Take on the Dear White America piece

I got an early copy of the Dear White America opinion piece ( yesterday, so unlike you I have had 24 hours to live with the fact that I am apparatus a gigantic racist...oh and a sexist to boot. The only good news is that you are too and so is every other dude and/or white person you know. If you are Chinese or Indian or Caribbean or whatever you are not a racist as far as I can tell, but if you are white you certainly are. It doesn't matter if you have black friends, are married to a black person, voted for Obama, like Tyler Perry productions, own a couple of Run DMC records, you are a card carrying white supremacist.
I think it comes down to the fact that you live an easier life and you benefit from ingrained institutional racism which sort of takes the responsibility of being a cross burning white robe wearing black person lyncher out of his own hands because he can't help it, just like I can't. It is like a Rottweiler who bites a kid's hand off, not really his fault because he is born to be a piece of sh!t dog with no real value.
I have no idea how to respond because his article makes it clear that if you reject it then you are just denying that you are a racist and if you admit it..well then you are.

It is like the old "when did you stop beating your wife" thing

So now that we are all racists, maybe we can start making jokes without looking over our shoulder

Friday, December 25, 2015

Take on the Elf on the Shelf

Well we made it another year, nothing catastrophic happened although we did have a few close calls. See our house is an Elf on the Shelf house which is translation for we are masochists. There are a thousand rules to follow (for the kids and the parents) and they are all set up for you to fail. Touch the thing and your kid will throw an absolute hissy fit, forget to move it one night and you are setting yourself for tears, put it low enough for them to "accidentally" brush up against it and you would not be surprised if your neighbors call 911.
But we made it, there were a couple of close calls (waking up at 3am to move the little sucker), fishing it out of a pot of soup, distracting the kids while my wife repositioned it on a lamp but I am just glad to have all my next month temper tantrums be about something real.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Take on the mask

For one day, I was Asian. The combination of a throat infection and Christmas Eve meant that since 10:30am I have had a mask on and I could not be more uncomfortable, it is hot, it is uncomfortable and breathing in your own breath is about as appealing as a Dutch Oven. I hear that in Japan people wear masks not for fear of getting sick, they wear it because they don't want to get other people suck and they prove again what a nice people they are, because there is no person in the US would ever do that. Let's hope I get better soon cause this sucks donkey.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Take on Rand Paul's shirt

If you want to be an outsider that is cool but you should keep your outsider-y stuff to weird policy like getting us back on the Gold Standard or isolationism not to dressing like a guy working at Ruby Tuesdays.
Rand Paul, who has made more sense than anybody could have imagined in the five debates so far, showed up somewhere wearing a peach colored shirt and to say he looked like a giant baby gerbil would be an understatement. No white dude with his complexion should ever be seen in public in that color, it completely washes out his skin and makes him look like a bigger weirdo than he already does with that Brillo pad on his head

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Take on the Christmas cards

Years ago we would get more Christmas cards than our fridge would hold but now that we actually send out a ton of cards, it is shocking how little we get back.
As of today we had 9 cards hanging up, two of which were our own cards, one was a cheap CVS printout, two were preprinted generic cards, one was from the guy who mows the lawn, one is from the guy who handles the kids 529 plan and a couple were ones somebody actually out some care into. Maybe we are just not popular or friendly but it I odd that we would get so many before and now it is like a barren wasteland.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Take on the Steve Harvey controversy

As a host to a game show or pageant you really only have an obligation to do three things....keep the show moving, find ways to feature your contestants and do not screw up the winner. I get that mistakes happened but if you can't get something correct as simple as reading a card..maybe it is time we get a robot to fill your spot

The only one who had any sympathy for Steve Harvey might have been Marisa Tomei

Bring back Trump

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Take on the Democratic Debate part II

I tried my best to get some insight on last night's democratic debate but all I figured out was that

- O'Malley is primed to dominate on 2020, even if he is probably a donkey operative for this one to try to derail Bernie

- Bernie might have a coronary on stage, the dude does nothing but yell and scream and yell some more. I like that in my comedian, not sure if it leads you a lot of confidence in a guy leading our nation.

- Hillary. Apparently she missed the opening after one of the commercial breaks because she was on the can, she may break both the glass ceiling and the Depends ceiling in the same year.

All in all, sounds like no good fireworks as all three tried to stay above the other words BORING

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Take on the democratic debate

It's well know that companies will announce bad news late on a Friday to limit the impact it might have on it's stock price. There have also been many times that other announcements are made to bury them from the masses. Saturday nights have often been considered one of the worst night for television, there are no sitcoms, dramas or other original programming..other than Saturday Night Live and Saturday Night Main Event so we wonder why the heck the democrats would hold their debate on a Saturday in the heart of the holiday season at 8pm...

The answer is obvious, they are in the bag for Hillary and are keeping any potential bad debate performance from getting any oxygen.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Take on Chinese public restrooms

Just read an article that a bunch of on pic restrooms in China will now serve beet salads, WiFi, organic chicken and ATMs. What makes this even more mystifying is that on a western toilet getting some WiFi makes sense, it is a perfect place to catch up on some light reading ( is often mentioned as a favorite for toilet reading) but on a Chinese toilet this is odd. See most of them are just holes in the floor, no place to park your ass while surfing the net for last minute Christmas shopping

Oh well

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Thursday, December 17, 2015

Take on Shkreli

Today the feds busted Martin Shkreli, the mastermind behind the plan by Turing Pharmaceuticals to raise a rare drug from $13.50 to $750 per pill for Fraud charges.  It is of note that the charges are based on his work with Retrophin, another shady company Mr. Shkreli headed but proves again that if they want to get you, they will.   I'm sure this was a witch-hunt but frankly I don't care and nobody else will either and it will remind these criminal masterminds that they aren't the only one playing loose with the rules..  

but what this really reminds us of is that you can't ever trust some dude who's got a string of 16 consonants in his name, there is just no book to how the hell you go and pronounce Shkreli.  Is it Sch-Kre-Li or is it Suh-Kre-li, or is is Scr-Jack-Off..

either way.. glad to hear that this guy could spend a number of years behind bars swallowing his tongue

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

take on the GOP debate

**now with fashion commentary**

The GOP went back at it and like a good family Christmas get together, it got nasty. We still believe there are way too many candidates which has the effect of cheapening the event and also making it feel like a Royal Rumble which catapults it into must watch.

Let's go one by one

This dude speaks like he is simultaneously signing to a deaf audience. His hand motions are so distracting that he just comes across as a complete mental patient which is a shame since he might be the only one who is not. 
He was one of the only ones not wearing a red tie with his navy suit, I suspect this was his way of showing the moderate wing that he can bring balance to The Force

CarsonLike Herman Cain and Howard Dean and Mike Huckabee, he had his 15 minutes and now the gig is up. Nobody believes he is nearly versed enough in the issues to have a shot and unlike Trump he has absolutely no bravado to hide his lack of knowledge. Plus he pronounces Wolf like Woof which was distracting, 
It is of note that, except for Fiorina, he was the only wearing a pinstripe suit and, like Kasich, he was not wearing a red tie.. 

Never before has somebody with so little experience tried to give off the impression of having so much. I was the leader of a (failing) tech company, I had breast cancer, I have lost every election I have stood for and I buried a child so that makes me keenly qualified to be a president. If she wasn't a woman, people would destroy her for her lack of knowledge and experience.
Plus that cross around her neck made her look like Flava Flav. We get it, you love Christ but Jesus that thing had more bling than a Trump casino.  Her dress made her look like a red pear


Big Chris acts like he is a front runner and lectures from what he believes is the bully pulpit but the truth is that every time he leans on that lectern it looks like it was going to crack. Let's just hope big Mike Huck didn't have the same one in the undercard
And he is just a fatter Rudy Giuliani.. 
Nothing in this world looked more pained than that one button on his suit trying to keep it closed, he does look like a nice apple compliment to Fiorina's pear

Rand Paul
He actually makes sense. I have no idea how or why or when it happened but whenever he speaks, he makes a valid point. Then you look up and see who it is and think that you can't wait for Trump to shove this turd in his locker.
a turd wearing a navy suit and red tie in size 38 small.

When Trump shoves Rand into the locker he'll find Jeb there already. It is mystifying that Jeb is so inept at this, he actually makes W seem competent. His attacks on Trump really don't do anything but allow Trump to come back and pummel him. Even if he nails one (which admittedly he did) Trump comes back and pulls away his chair as he is about to sit down. Jeb supporters are the loneliest group in the world (https://mobile.twitt...946951854825472) kind of like those guys that hang outside of a movie theater for three weeks to see Star Wars only to see a 6'4" Biff show up with the Star Wars nerd's sister and gets a better seat. But the seat isn't just better it happens to be right in front of the Star Wars nerd meaning he is staring at the back of his head as Biff makes out with the poor guy's sister but worse than that you just know he Biff doesn't have the faintest idea the chronology of Boba Fett
His suit just looks too tight. like he thinks he should be a slim fit when he's actually a standard one.. that can't be comfortable standing like that all night

He didn't go to his "my dad was a bartender and my mother was a maid" thing which was a step up but he is just such a disingenuous politician who has sold his soul to the devil for this opportunity (and a smoking hot wife). His ears are still way too distracting and somebody please get him a glass of water cause he was coughing up a storm.  
He does look like he fell right out of a GQ ad, picked up the high school cheerleader, won the homecoming king award and helped an old (illegal immigrant) lady across a crowded street.. still we all hate him


I am borrowing this from a smarter person than I am but it fits

Can anyone else picture Cruz alone in an apartment somewhere, smearing lipstick sloppily over his face, wearing heels and a dress, dancing slowly as Chris Issac plays in the background, while mascara runs from his tears and he stabs a doll slowly but with purpose, muttering things like, "You're not so pretty now, are you, Mr. Wiggles? Now who's the belle of the ball, now, Mr. WIGGLES?" Well,if you weren't before...

the guy is just a gigantic creep.. he should have Radiohead as his theme song..

Cruz just looks like a sleazy car salesman, his suit is just off enough to make you think that he just lost a bunch of weight or he took his brother's suit or he got it at a garage sale one day while the Senate was in sequester 

I just don't know what to say, he just wins. He knows nothing about the actual situations, he is lost on the nuance, he is lazy when it comes to facts and he yells and screams louder than anybody. I still believe he went into this to get some publicity and then surprised everybody (including himself) that people took to his message. He never had plans to be the president but now it looks like he might have a chance to.
What is striking is that he never buttons his suits, like he is walking around trying to show you the size of his junk.. but then he hangs his tie about 2 inches lower than you are supposed to do (look at Rubio that guy knows) so it always looks like his tie is way longer than anybody else's.. just a weird look

So the big winner last night was....Hillary Clinton

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

take on Ruby Rose and Phoebe Dahl

Saw a headline today that some celebrity couple who I have never heard of before has called it quits..  Apparently Ruby Rose and Phoebe Dahl decided they can't handle the thought of spending holy matrimony till death do them part and are now off to try to find hotter chicks to marry, which is fine with me.. 
what struck me was that although I had literally never heard of either chick what I did notice, and it bothered me to be honest, is that these two chicks look like twins.. they have the exact same cheek-bones, eye structure, smile and terrible haircut...   maybe too much of the same thing really isn't that great..

Monday, December 14, 2015

Take on the fountain of youth

Researchers are close to finding some kind of anti aging drug that could see humans live well over 100 and I for one am not thrilled. First of all, have you met old people?? They are very crabby. Secondly, how are we going to pay for all of these old people. Our social safety nets are set up for people to retire at 67 and live maybe another 10-15 years and they we're done paying but if people work till 67 and then live till they are 120 we will be out of money immediately, so unless you are willing to move the retirement age up to say 90, this sounds like a terrible drag on our economy.

And really, should we be putting a bunch of people in their 100's on the road behind the wheels of a 89 Buick LeSabre

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Take on Santacon

I'll never quite understand Santacon. from what I know it is an event where thousands of grown me dress like Santa Clause and get absolutely blitzed to the point they can barely stand up on a weekend day at 4pm and are mooning old ladies. Actually, this sounds a lot like my college experience so I guess I can't say that it makes absolutely no sense to me. But what is odd is that it is based around something as homely and safe as Santa, I even get rallying around a local sports talk show host as a more viable option.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Take on the Trojan horse

Ted Cruz has been surging in the polls and somehow that thought is even scarier than when Donald Trump does. I am still convinced that at some point we will wake up and collectively say "we can't really nominate  Trump" but what I am getting more nervous about is that it might mean that all those Trump crazies jump ship and land on the Ted Cruz lifeboat and then we're stuck with a guy who is literally certifiably nuts running on top of the GOP ticket.  It is not just that Cruz is crazy and weird and creepy, he would be a disaster for the ticket....or worse yet he isn't a disaster for the ticket and we're stuck with a guy who looks like he'd be going door to door on Pennsylvania Avenue to make sure his neighbors knew he was moving in.  

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Friday, December 11, 2015

Take on the bus

I take a commuter bus in the morning which routinely takes an hour and a half to et into Manhattan, so when you are on the bus for that long you certainly do not need any additional reasons to be uncomfortable. Knowing that most fellow commuters are relatively courteous by regularly showering, keeping their music low and not speaking on the phones but one thing that you do get is people reclining their seats all the way back. Does a 5 foot 3 inch Korean lady weighing 130 pounds really need to have her seat reclined into my lap?? I get you want to catch up on some sleep but realize that by you doing that, I'm forced to have my knees jam up into my knowing that just realize that all those body shifts I'm making which might feel like they've got some purpose behind them are really just love taps.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Take on the dude wearing skin colored leggings

Much like that blue gold dress, the interweb is falls over itself trying to figure out if some dude standing at a fancy hotel reception is either bottomless or wearing really odd color leggings. We are firmly in the, this guy is a flasher camp, and see no reason to believe that the bunched up rolls at the back of his ass are nothing but bunched up rolls of his ass. Some people have tried to point out that it looks like you can see a seam at the bottom of his legs saying he is wearing leggings but I really can't see anything other than an overweight white dude with his junk pressed up against a stand up desk. What man in his right mind wears leggings and if he does why would it be pasty white colored?

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Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Take on Korean male cosmetic products

Read a headline this week than one fifth of all worldwide gender specific cosmetics sales go to South Korea which is a shocking number, because it is probably the 20th largest country by population in the world. What was even more shocking was that this figure (1/5th of the world) is not for South Korean women to keep up their ageless beauty...until they hit menopause and start looking like Kim Jung Il that is, but this number represents Korean men

Korean men buy 20% of the world's male cosmetic products.  

We have two questions

What the hell are male cosmetic products?   I have a razor, Q-tips, a toothbrush, floss, deodorant and a comb.  What the hell are people buying and why?   Are people buying face cream, hair highlighters, mascara, cover up??   

The cosmetic industry has to be a multi billion dollar one, so are you telling me that a bunch of dudes in one medium size country are buying 20% of that??   

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Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Take on Beijing

We typically keep these smog posts for when we are in China but it is worth noting how bad the air has gotten there this week.  The air quality readings in Beijing got a 600 reading this week, which is 40 times the acceptable levels by the WHO and honestly I don't see it changing so quickly.   Well that is not entirely true, it will change in the short term because Beijing will not want to be seen in this light (or lack thereof) and will take immediate steps to improve it.   Maybe that will mean shutting factories, limiting cars or having a million people use big hand fans to wave away the smog but they will do something.  It will get better for a while and we will start talking about something else and day this spring those levels will be back up over 500 and cats will be dropping dead on the street and people will notice and we'll play the song all over again. 

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Monday, December 7, 2015

Take on Trump

Trump outTrumped himself today with calling for a total ban on Muslims entering the country. This is a new low, even for him and should be the last straw for GOP voters..but it won't
We have all enjoyed the Trump race as it has been entertaining but now that we are within a few months of the primaries, it is time for the GOP to smarten up

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Take on the sissy injury

When I saw a tweet during today's official Charlie Brown bowl, I snickered. Jeremy Kerley the seldom used slot receiver and frequently used punt muffer went out of the game not with an ankle, knee or shoulder injury, he went out with a head injury, just. It the type you thought. It seems poor Jeremy got a migraine and no amount of extra strength Advil was helping, so instead of being out there helping his squad, he was sitting in a dark room trying to deal with a headache. Truth of it is that it probably is a type of concussion and I am sure they just said he had a migraine to avoid the league's concussion protocol but they have to realize they make him sound like a sissy.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Take on the diet

I got on the scale last week and for the first time in a decade plus it started with a 2 and all of a sudden I realized it was time. I'd been slowly moving back in the direction of two bills but had been able to avoid it mostly with stress, lack of sleep and decent genetics but recently Father Time has been catching up with me.
I immediately knew what I had to do, and it couldn't be half assed, I went on a low carb, no sugar diet. So far through 9 days I feel like hell, act like an ahole and look like crap, in other words, it is working. It's not a true Atkins as I am eating fruits but have cut out bread, pasta, rice, sweets and most I thought for a second to cut off coffee just to make me more irritable but decided for the sake of those around me that this would not be nice move

Friday, December 4, 2015

Take on the Super Bowl 50 halftime show

The NFL knows how to market itself, knows how to make an event out of a bunch of dudes bashing each other's brains in and somehow they have been able to convince the world that they out on the greatest halftime show even with the lamest band in history performing. Forget washed old timers or lame pop-stars this time they bested themselves and came up with what can only be considered a challenge to the USA to see if they have any ability to think for themselves

Coldplay will headline the event which basically means it can be changed to Coca Cola presents by Progressive Insurance with special guest Ronald McDonald on the Subway hot-take drum-kit.

I've said this often but Coldplay isn't commercial music, it is music for commercials. These guys write catchy jingles which stick in your head like a piece of chewed gum sticks to the sole of your shoe, anybody who buys their CD or downloads a copy is directly responsible for the downfall of our civilization

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Take on the M&MD reunion

First we heard about a bunch of the original cast reuniting for The Force Awakens, then rumors of GNR possibly reuniting and now the Pope and the Dope will be coming back together again and I am greased up and ready for it all

Today Mike Francesa and Chris Russo announced they'd be reuniting for one day this March and guys from Parsippany to Brooklyn from Harlem to some rehab place by the mall and from Seattle to Costa Mess couldn't be more excited.

Tommy C. "This is like Christmas in March"

Norman Z "I am pumped like I just worked out"

David B "Kirk M said this is better than the day his kid was born"


Chris F "I seriously wonder how you guys aren't virgins"

So get ready for a wild ride, it will probably be a letdown but the next four months will at least make one guy miserable

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Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Take on splash back

Some scientists devote their lives to find cures for some of the worst diseases, others try to find ways to visit the outer reaches of our universe, other yet work on a nano scale to focus on what can't possibly be seen with the naked eye but the research that will ultimately change the world is done at a center working on trying to avoid splash back. Forget breaking the sound barrier orgasp) the speed of light, the biggest dilemma in science is for me not to have piss all over my jeans after I use a public restroom and I, for one, applaud this measure of entrepreneurship because if there is something that really sucks it is some other dude's piss on my trousers

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Take on the Mark Zuckerberg donation

Marky Mark Zuckerberg just announced that he and his wife will donate 99% of his Facebook shares to charity in his lifetime, a gesture we applaud. At first this seems exorbitant until you realize his stocks are worth $45billion dollars, which would still leave his newborn daughter, or whomever else, with $450,000,000 to spend on a modest three bedroom house, a trip to Disney Land and a Kia.
What we will say though is that we expect the Facebook stock to tumble in the near future, so if I were those charities I'd be calling Mark the Shark now to see if he could cut a check today for my Save the Injured Panda charity I'm working with cause if you look at the history of social media you notice one trend..what once was cool is now a graveyard.

Monday, November 30, 2015

Take on SW

There are times when we spend hours putting together a well thought out blog post(, there are times we keep it short and sweet (, there are times we sort of mail it in ( and there are a few times when words alone aren't enough

Take a look at the latests Serena Williams photos and tell me your pecker isn't as hard as her abs. This chick would so dominate your small Chinese frame it is comical, she'd pick you up and body slam you and you better hope your tennis racket finds her net because you might be walking around with a cast on your pecker after she is done with you.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Take on Kobe

I read today that Kobe Bryant was announcing his retirement and was excited till I found out he was not doing it till after the season. That means we'll get the another 50 plus games of pulling a Carmelo and him going 3 for 25 but the NBA will eat it up and serenade him with gifts and flowers and poodles and prizes. Well everywhere except when he plays the Nuggets. Hopefully there they give him an arrest warrant

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Take on the in-law bathroom

I walked into my brother in law's house today after a weekend of overeating and had one of those moments when you just wish you could get beamed instantly home. While discussing the stock market's instability I felt a rumble in my stomach, while talking about real estate values in our area the rumble went to a roar and when we discussed our mutual extended family it went to full blow volcano about to explode. A quick aside, his house is one of those that makes MOMA look cheesy, everything is perfectly arranged, set up and laid out. There is artwork, sculptures, antiques and furniture not meant to sit on and I had to dodge all of it as I had to bee-line to the half bath on the ground floor. Knowing what was going to happen to his perfectly pristine European style toilet, I thought about using one of the four upstairs bathrooms but time was of the essence. I plop down, barely having time to pull my humor and sack away from the danger zone and then just let rip. I am talking full scale, two dozen cluck-u wingers, two pitchers of Guinness, a pack of smokes and a gallon of prunes type explosion. I looked down and it looked like I had just birthed a gremlin and it smelled like what I imagine Glenn Beck's breath smells like

I walk out, looking like I just ran a 10k and did what anybody in my situation would do.... Pulled my three year old in the bathroom to have her go to the bathroom and then told my family she had a bad case of the runs.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Take on the Planned Parenthood shooting

I can understand being pro-life, I am not but never disparaged somebody for that thought but what I will never understand is how you can be pro-life and then shoot up an abortion clinic. Pro life should be pro-life across the boards, and that includes some clerk at a clinic offering reproductive rights. We don't know what, why or who is behind this thing today but I would say it should be considered domestic terrorism as much as anything else is..the problem is that without a middle eastern face for the 6pm news the American media will just say it's just a shooting and claim it is isolated. Their issue is that to them a white guy with religious conviction that leads them to kill a bunch of innocent people is just that..a white guy with a gun.

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Thursday, November 26, 2015

Take on the turkey turkey

My family overseas just doesn't understand what the he'll Thanksgiving is about. We tell them that we all get together and scream at each other and then sit at dinner and eat like pigs and then everybody sits around and complains that they overate
We all know that we are going to be miserable in a few hours yet nobody can ever stop themselves from stuffing themselves like turkeys

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Take on the pardoned turkey

Barack Obama is unamerican, because there is no way that somebody who truly believes in American values would ever try to ruin the great American Holiday. Now the truth is that every other president was equally unamerican, that includes FDR, Reagan and JFK too because for all their claims of American exceptionalism they too bowed down to the demands of a few.
We celebrate the one true American holiday by the art of overindulgence and that single act makes us who we and defines us are yet this president pardoned a couple of oversized chickens today in some lame kickback to Big Tofu.
Those two birds should be cleaned, stuffed, brined and roasting in an oven in about 17 hours

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Take on WWIII

We've been waiting 70 years but we might be on the verge of WWIII.  These things always look innocent enough at their face (Russia and The Nazi's carving up Poland like a turkey) and always seem to end in the death of millions.   

In one respect you are happy the US isn't putting any boots on the ground but then you look and the Russians are bombing the hell out of anybody who even sneezed in Assad's direction and that doesn't seem right   They are flying hundreds of missions over Syria and have taken on a big offensive, in turn the US has ceded the entire RISK board to Putin and we're in a spot where we (along with our closest 27 NATO-y friends) are bound to defend Turkey if the Russia goes to war after this.  So some Russian fighter gets a little too close to the equivalent of Turkish Maine and now we are in a big cluster duck with a dude who likes to prance around topless. But even that isn't enough, is the fact that we have no idea what the hell we are doing and I, for one, have no idea who I am suppose to like and who I am bound to hate 

What I know is that we hate ISIS who hate Assad who we hate too.  Assad is backed by Putin who we hate and he is backing Iran who we kind of hate although not as much as before who have been funneling money to Hezbollah who we hate but are not the thorn in our side that Al Qaeda has been, who of course we hate but they are backed by the Saudis who we like (for some inexplicable reason). We hated Saddam Hussein but he kept the hated Iranians at bay but we got rid of him and that created AQ in Iraq who we hated.  Al Qaeda in Iraq sort of spawned ISIS but the Mothership (Al Qaeda in Afghanistan) hates ISIS which makes us unlikely allies.  The Sunnis and Shiites hate each other, the Arabs and the Persians hate each other,  we are backing some freedom fighters in Syria who are probably some form of Al Qaeda or some new group of mujahideen and they will eventually hate us but for the same reason as they all hate us (see as as invaders of the ME) but we decided to like them because they hate Assad but might be indifferent to ISIS or maybe they are ISIS.  We know the Turks, who we like, hate the Armenians, who we like, and the Kurds, who we like, and hats the Syrians who we hate but now their overplayed hand may have just forced us into a spot where we are on the brink of war with a country who we sort of hate over a country we kind of hate while we would be better off offing the people we actually hate.  
Basically we hate everybody and the ones we like we should hate and the ones we hate we should hate and the ones who hate us are much more passionate about their hatred for us than our hatred for them.  

As some guy on the internet said this is like some ridiculous BCS thing 

If Michigan State beat Ohio State but Nebraska beat MSU, then Nebraska is better than Ohio State 


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Monday, November 23, 2015

Take on the stripper

Read an article today that some stripper punched a patron out after he told her that she needed to lose a few.   Reading the article it seems the chick jumped off stage and pummeled the 23 years dude and left bruises on his head with her ring.

What I particularly liked about the article was how he went to describe her. 

The strip club victim waited about 17 hours after to call cops, but stressed that he did not want to press charges and only sought a police report. He identified the girl as a white woman, weighing 115-120 pounds with "a muffin top."

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Sunday, November 22, 2015

Take on the Ted Cruz prayer team

I saw that Ted Cruz created a national prayer team which seems to have been established to allow supporters to pray for one Ted Cruz. I am not a religious man, so I am. It sure how this is supposed to work but somehow I doubt that establishing one of these things for yourself has to go against some Christian beliefs, this seem more Scientology than the teaching of Christ although even that I am not sure about. But I guess he feels he needs divine intervention as he moves closer to his ultimate goal though maybe we should set up a prayer group to prevent that.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Take on absolute stupidity

The Times had an article they were pimping today about a dude who was taken for nearly three quarters of a million dollars by psychics anti just couldn't care less. I just think that if people are that stupid, they deserve what they get. It's like the guy who still smokes in 2015, I just won't feel bad for them if they get lung cancer. I have this feeling every time somebody does get something that was entirely preventable, I just have no sympathy. I know that is harsh but Charlie Sheen banged a bunch of $2 hookers without a rubber, so him getting the High V is just not something I honestly feel bad about and in his case it is criminal that he didn't make partners explicitly aware that he was infected.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Take on the size 48 belt

I bought a shirt and tie combination from an online store this week and when I got delivery I was surprised to have also gotten a pocket square and belt. The pocket square was a nice surprise but I was miffed to see the belt was a size 48. I mean the shirt was a 16" collar with 36" sleeves so I have no idea why the belt would be built for a 480 pound dude.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Take on the gun holster

I know a guy who has a conceal carry permit in a state that has a reciprocal carry agreement with about 30 other states, many of them border states. That means he can leave his house in Florida and drive to more than half of the country. The issue is that if he wanted to go from Florida to Delaware he might be allowed to carry in Georgia, North and South Carolina, Virginia but not Maryland so he has to go all the way around and go through Tennessee and West Virginia into Pennsylvania to Delaware to get there which means he is burning a billion extra gallons of oil in his truck. But he is a big second amendment guy and sometimes doesn't have time to do a tour of the states so he just gambles and drives through Maryland with the hope he doesn't get pulled over. I asked him once where he puts his gun during those legs and he said he shoves them up his ass.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Take on the inflight WiFi

I cannot believe that it is 2015 and I get on a domestic flight and they do not offer WiFi. Every domestic plane I have flown on in the last 5 years has given me the option to buy a $20 GoGo pass yet my flight from Charlotte to LaGuardia today does not. I know some people welcome the fact that they can be disconnected for a few hours but I am not one of them. I need to be hard wired directly into the Internet at all times or otherwise I got completely nuts. Two hours on a flight with nothing to look at but the front seat makes my mind wonder and when it goes I want to kill myself.

But the worst thing is that you have to figure a plane not equipped with WiFi at this point must not be a high priority portion of their fleet so you just have to hope they at least checked the tire pressure.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Take on Tysons

Read a report that Tyson had to send back a bunch of chickens because they smelled bad and thought to myself that I have eaten a bunch of their chickens that have smelled bad and only now they tell me there is a problem?!?! This entire concept of smell vs taste is something very familiar to regular smells like fish, tastes like chicken TOR readers even if the smells like fish really smells like rotting chosen possum. Anyway, I wouldn't eat a chicken that smelled like fish or a fish that smelled like chicken or a chicken that smelled like sweat filled pubic hair covered medium rare grilled Atlantic char.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Take on the refueling options

Walking into the Budget car rental office recently, I was asked which fuel option I'd like to use. Either the fuel up yourself one which is the cheapest but a pain in the d!ck. The advanced fuel option which charges you market rate for the gas but you are forced to buy a full tank so anything less than dead E is expensive. Then there is the EZfuel option which is a flat rate if you drive less than 75 miles which is sort of hard to know before hand and $15 for 75 miles is ludicrous. Finally the worst option, the Refueling Service which is basically bending over and letting the guy at the rental desk ram in up your five hole as they charge you nearly $10/gallon.

In other words, any way you see it they are screwing you like a porn star

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Take on flowers

It is crazy how expensive flowers are in this country, think about it, for 40 dollars you only get a couple of individual flowers...ones that you hope would last a week. There are not many things you'd buy for 40 buckets knowing they'd have a shelf life of four or five days

But what is worse is that when you walk into any florist and ask them for a bouquet there first question is for a budget. You tell them $40 and immediately they make you feel inadequate. "Sure we'll see about putting something together for that, I assume you don't mind weeds and poison ivy, being that you have such a small budget". WTF, this is $40 or $50 and you make it sound like I offered you 50 cents

I am boycotting the entire industry

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Take on the "talented" lawyer

Amongst the 128 people that have died was one American victim but the @NyTimes Twitter account had an "interesting" description.   They went with following 140 characters

@nytimes: Paris attack victims include American college student and "talented" 26-year-old lawyer

I am not sure why they felt the need to put talented in quotes, but guess they felt they couldn't use it without them and without giving up their appearance of neutrality on the issue.  The problem is that it actually just reads like she may not have had that much talent, which I doubt is what they wanted to portray

But the bigger issue is that the talented thing is really irrelevant to this tweet, would it have been any less of a travesty if she was just an average lawyer or even a below average one.  I know plenty of those and if they had perished in such a despicable act, it would not be any less tragic

So it might be time to remove or edit that post

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Friday, November 13, 2015

Take on the Big Four

Turn on cable news tonight and it is wall to wall Paris, Twitter is all Paris, talk to any friend and that is all they can talk about but the big four stations have not gone off their regular programing because God knows this is when people need the comfort of Full House, The Urkels and Survivor 62 the old folks home edition.
I get that it is not an obligation but when there are 150+ people reported dead on coordinated attacks in 7 places in the capital of one of our closest allies, you'd think/hope that they would preempt Big Bang Theory but alas that would seem like the sensible thing to do

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Take on the Christmas tree

I turned on the Jets-Bills game and for the first time in my life I wished I was blind. We know that October is the Breast Cancer awareness thing with all the pink flags and gloves, so I can only imagine this red and green thing is q Christmas tree awareness thing and Rex can be Santa Clause.

But the best thing I read about it was on Twitter which really brought the entire TOR week together

@MikeandDogToday: Next week: "Jets and Bill return to traditional uniforms, War on Christmas Continues: MY COLUMN"

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Take on the debate

Last night marked the fourth republican debate and the first since Christie and Huckabee were shunned to the kids table which must have made the remaining candidates pretty happy because those two seem like they love a good family style meal.  
Our first issue with this last debate that we had no clue where the hell the Fox Business News was on the Optimum box, it was so hidden that we missed the opening remarks by the three moderator stooges.
What we came out with is the following...

Carson.  This guy is in that position amongst GOP front runners where it doesn't matter what he says, nobody cares.   Carson has no substance, no specifics and is now making his entire campaign about how the vast left wing conspiracy is out to get him..and he leads in the polls

Trump.  The Republican Unravelling of the Most Pompous ahole has begun.  Trump is lost and without his "build a tremendous wall" and "I've built a great company" lines to get him applause he is nothing more than an empty with a tie which hangs about three inches too low

Rubio.  Everything the republicans said about Obama in 2008 will apply to Rubio in 2016.  He is too young, too inexperienced, misses too many senate votes and has ears that are too big but still it won't matter.   Rubio falls into his talking points more confortably than any politician I have ever seen, his ability to deflect any questions and go into his "my father was a bartender and my mother is a maid" thing is amazing to watch.
Q. Senator what do you feel about social security reform
A.  Neil, my mother was a maid and my father was a bartender so I know about needing security, it is our greatest threat.  We didn't have much but we had each other and that's alright for love, you just have to hold on to what you got.  Sometimes it just doesn't make a difference whether you make it or not

Q Senator, What is your position on immigration?

A- listen Maria, I know about immigration as my father was a bartender and my mother was a maid so we had to deal with a lot of immigration from the holiday inn to the days inn. Sometimes my mom would work at one place and other times as the other and that was an important part

Q- senator, what do you think about a no-fly zone over Syria

A- thank you bald guy, when I was a child my father was a bartender and my mother a maid and we knew how important it was to keep the flies away from the food in the bar's kitchen, so we worked hard to form that trust that will continue to strengthen our resolve and arm our friends against Putin and Assad.

Our boy has less than 0% chance, he is practical, moderate and smart which means the crazies hate him.  He literally got booed a number of times last night.  Rooting for him is like rooting for the Browns

The greatest celebrities are known by only their first name.  Madonna, Britney, Oprah and Carly could be right up there.  She should just change it to Karly and she might have a chance at making that work.   I have nothing to say about her, she is crazy, ran HP into the ground and wore the absolute worst color sweater at the debate.  Who chooses puke green for a rendezvous with Rand Paul and Jeb Bush??

I have this vision in my head of Cruz knocking on doors trying to drum up support and people just slamming them in his face as they assume he is is just fulfilling his Megan's Law punishment

It Is Over.  Pack up the tent, send home the guy selling hot-dogs and apologize to the guys who got (free) tickets to see you..nobody thinks you have a shot in hell at this thing.  You are an insecure twerp with a crappy haircut and  a family name like a noose.  Just leave, please

I am shocked to write this but the most sensible guy on stage was the one whose head looks like it is covered in pubic hair.  He is the only one (other than Kasich) with some conviction in his beliefs, the only one who I would genuinely believe would transform Washington and yet he scares the hell out of me like an image of Neil Cavuto on a naked people beach.   But he did great last night

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Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Take on the FoxBusinessChannell

The GOP debate is being held tonight and I sat down at 9pm to watch (and comment) but it took me 15 minutes to figure out where the hell the FBN was located. I finally found it and I see one British guy, one hot chick in the middle and some dude who looks like he wishes he was a stock broker

Let's hope they take the gloves off