Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Monday, March 28, 2016
God Bless the USA
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Friday, March 25, 2016
Whenever I read a headline in the Enquire about somebody having six weeks to live, I take the over but when I see they are accusing a politician or celebrity in cheating with their wives I give it at worst a 50/50 shot of being true. This is what they do and they it better than anybody.
It's difficult (and highly illegal) to get medical records but it is easy (and only a little illegal) to get info on TedCruz checking into a hotel and coming out 45 minutes later like he is Don Draper....so I tend to believe this one
Thursday, March 24, 2016
So thanks..but no thanks. You should have stuck with the plan of having Port Authority set up in the meadowlands with high speed rail running every 3 minutes into midtown Manhattan
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
But what was more shocking was that in addition to that stale box of donuts he is also apparently getting advice from the father from Webster, that dude couldn't figure out how to put Emmanuel Lewis' shoes on the right way and now he is going to be leading national security meetings....we are officially screwed
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Now I think we all agree that we must have stringent entry laws which must be enforced but I cannot think of one part under the constitution that states we should be able to single out a people for surveillance...although our history has shown we are more than happy to do that (see Japanese encampment in WWII). But again John Kasich has no chance of ever being president of the Elk Club let alone the USA, so why pay any attention to him anyway.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Sunday, March 20, 2016
how about a bit of chivalry!!! Maybe hold that stupid umbrella over your wife's head instead of over your own..are you afraid to get a couple of drizzles on your crappy suit? Maybe you are not a secret Muslim after all but instead you are a secret Korean woman???
But anyway, this is an unprecedented trip and your replacement will have to continue in this course if I have any hope to have a chance to vacation there myself. So Chief maybe do us a solid a curry some favors with your replacement for us. Since we don't know who it will be let's just cover all the basis
Bring her back a Cuban for Bill to celebrate when you win the election..
one of those green hats,
How about some info on beachfront property
the torture manual from Guantanamo,
Get him one of the thirteen state allowable allowable haircuts. Oh wait,l what is that you say.. oh wrong communist country, oh well whatever he has no shot anyway
Thanks, just hoping we have the ability to blow our US dollars on the island and lastly if it is not too much trouble can you pick up a new second basement for the Yankees
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, March 19, 2016
They have been doing this crazy construction for what seems like two years and what was once an open pleasant airport is now a cluster of alleyways, corridors and lines..nothing but lines.
I literally spent forty minutes going through a passport check as I was transferring from one European inbound flight to another after I had already shown my passport in the first city and I had to show it again before boarding my flight again. And honestly that forty minutes I spent seemed reasonable considering the line looked like it grew a new ass after I was done with it
Plus I can't find the herring stand anymore
The airport is officially in Charles De Gaulle territory for me
Friday, March 18, 2016
Thursday, March 17, 2016
I am fairly certain why it happens, people constantly twist the cord to get it to stick into the connector although you would have thought that with the double sided lightning connector this would be minimized
But now I am stuck with yet another failed cord which does me about as much good as a broken shoelace and there I go again buying another piece of electronic crap and increasing my carbon Apple footprint
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Come on you bastards, give me some personal space and let me pee in privacy and not be exposed to your 28 centimeter uncut bratwurst
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Monday, March 14, 2016
The problem with Kasich is that he sounds like a dweeb, dresses like he lost 40 pounds since the last time he wore his suit and looks like he gets his hair cut from a girl overdosing on Bubblicious. Nothing is more boring than John Kasich mainly because he has no charisma but almost as bad is the fact that he always falls back on his accomplishments which are very neatly packaged in an almost perfect stump speech of policy nerdness and nothing proves that better than his latest campaign mailing.
In life there is nothing better than getting a postcard, except when John Kasich sent it, he might be only person who can ruin a postcard.
If Trump sent out a card it would have a chick in a bikini standing in the beach, if Cruz sent you one it would be addressed to the IRS, if Bernie sent one it would just have a photo of those two old guys from the Muppets
The problem is that when I got a postcard from the campaign it was like getting a little piece of John Kasich in my mailbox. He didn't send out a fingernail or lock of hair but instead used a standard 4x6 postcard and vomited all over it with Kasich-speech. The issue is that his campaign knows that he can't ever hope to break through on the standard mass media, so they are limited to sending a post card. But that is not where it ended, since they realize it is likely to be the only time for you to think about John Kasich, they added every single campaign policy point on the back. Then they added this in an 8 font which means you need a miscroscope to hope to read about his time in Washington blanching the budget or his time in Ohio creating jobs. I guess it also means you won't be able to read about his role in the Contract with America and ability to defund Planned Parenthood.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
It is just embarrassing
Saturday, March 12, 2016
But like his mentor did in Bush Country, Marco will fall to the mighty Trump in Marco-ville which would be a lot more fun if the "co" replaced with "garita" but instead we are stuck with watered down Jose Quervo mixed in lime juice
Friday, March 11, 2016
At some point we may not even have to vote, CNN will just project the winner before a single person who would eventually vote in that primary has even been birthed.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
A year ago I was in China, a place where people openly root for boys and go into a depression when they have a girl, when I was told the secret by some old Chinese lady. Forget cutting out meat, alcohol or whatever because the secret is not in the sweet potatoes or Brussels Sprouts, the secret is in how the turkey is basted
See the answer is pretty easy she told me in broken English. Aya you want a boy: fast and deep, you want girl: slow and shallow.
Now knowing this you will never look at your girl having buddies the same way again
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
But let's get to that Trump's infomercial/victory speech last night. We were told about Lying Ted, Little Marco and probably about Low Energy Jeb! and a great bunch of steaks for $50 and a bottle of wine and a magazine and a golf course. What was crazy is that as Trump kept going about one Trump product after another Hillary took the stage and nobody left QVT. Every news station kept on Donald, it was like he was pulling a Rand Paul and filibustering.
Cruz took Idaho even after Trump told them earlier in the week that they make the best potatoes. There is literally nothing else anybody knows about Idaho other than that.
Trump took Hawaii too but I believe there were a total of 20,000 votes cast. At some point some of these states should get shunned to CNBC or FoxSports or something because they are wasting valuable time for Trump to sell his wares
In the meantime I am still waiting for Rubio's third place finish speech where he makes it sound like he took first place, those are gold. I guess the problem is that he may not have had his fourth place finish speech ready. He has the entire establishment behind him and he falls flat on his face. He really is the perfect Jeb! protege, he does Jeb! better than Jeb!
And then there was Romney, he is like King Midas. He gets involved and immediately sinks Rubes. Hey Mittens, just go home.
So we have Trump at 14 wins and 7 second place finishes, he is like Jack Nicklaus of primaries and we all have to root hard for somebody to step and beat him in Ohio and Florida but I don't see an Arnie or Lee Trevino in the bunch. Although the truth is John Daly would probably come out and endorse him anyway.
But the lasting impression of the week was of another likely Trump supporter, one Hulk Hogan who had to admit that although the Hulkster was hung like horse, Terry Bollea was hung like..well Marco Rubio. How long before Gawker releases a video of Trump jumping David Duke's wife
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
When a friend suggested that knowing this that maybe she was also involved in the match fixing allegations that shook the tennis world a few months ago, I wasn't surprised at all mainly because, well, she is Russian. The implication has long been that the entire match fixing thing was the doing of the Russian Mob and people
With knowledge indicated that the culprits were world ranked Russian players, ones you wouldn't expect.
But of course the world will probably forgive little pretty Maria while constantly finding ways to knock Serena who is well on her way to be the greatest women's tennis player of the open era. I'd argue she is probably going to go down as the best women's tennis player of all time but people will argue it is hard to compare the players of today against ones wearing white skirts, shitty haircuts who played with wooden rackets
Monday, March 7, 2016
Iowa has 30 delegates
New Hampshire has 23
South Carolina has 50
Without looking at population this seems about right, I'd guess that South Carolina has more people than Iowa and New Hampshire although I'd think the disparity would be greater than it the delegate count would indicate. There's so kind of weird formula which says that Kansas which is deep red gets more delegates per capita than say Rhode Island which are a bunch of frat boys with dirty white hats
Then I look at Texas and they get 155 delegates, makes sense as it is a huge state, Michigan gets 59 which seems low compared to Texas, Florida gets 99 but ok so far it seems like it makes sense. Then I see New York gets 95 and I am pretty sure they have a bigger population than Florida but I guess less republicans. I know there is some complicated allocation based on how "republican" the state is. I get that although having looked at the formula it makes his head spin
But still there are two issues
*how the hell do the Northern Marianna Islands get 9 delegates? I never even heard of them and they get more than half of what Vermont is allocated?? I am sure Vermont gets knocked down because they have a socialist senator but I am sure they have enough republicans to get them above a set of islands with six people on it.
* I cannot figure how the hell they decide which states are important. Nobody talks about North Carolina but they have 72 delegates to Ohio's 66 and Michigan's 59 and they vote in a week yet everybody has been speaking about those two states
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Go find a public park or a bridge somewhere and get this crap out of my life
Friday, March 4, 2016
Another night, another debate and I'm not sure we're any better off having sat through that last night
Here are some takeaways
- - Trump is hung like a horse according to…. Trump
- - Rubio is hung like a pimple according to…. Trump
- - Cruz had a tooth pop out of his mouth in the middle of the debate like he is some kind of meth addict
- - Kasich could really use some lifts in his shoes, never before has the adult in the room looked so small..even compared to Rubio
- - Trump is moving very quickly to the center in preparation for the general election
- - Rubio looked like Richard Nixon in that debate with Kennedy, he was a sweaty sick disgusting mess. This country needs somebody great, not somebody who looks like they are about to puke.. he is disgusting
- - Rubio's hairline has receded exponentially as the primary season has gone on.. You could literally project a movie on his forehead right now, not just any movie but an IMAX things
- - Speaking of haircuts, Kasich probably gets his cut at the mall
- - Trump doesn't need to get his cut
- - Cruz probably uses one of those suction cup things and then puts the vacuum on little teddy.
- - Not exactly sure why Kasich mentioned that the Cleveland mayor was black.. is this the equivalent of telling people you are not a racist because you have a black friend?
- - Trump looked tired, even the great Trumponator seems like he has lost a little fire.. maybe he warmed himself up with Melanie before the night started, who knows but they always tell athletes to refrain from that before a big event
- - It was odd that after their last battle of the Alamo, Cruz and Rubio completely avoided each other, I don't recall a single interaction between the two
- - Ben Carson really got no time at all, I don't even remember him speaking once
- - Megyn Kelly has dirty fantasies about Trump and his comments about the size of his VP choice only got her more hot and bothered
- - The Gotcha moment with Trump with his flipflops was very weak and he worked that beautifully.. I am sure that Roger Ailes has instructed the entire crew that they have ditched the Rubio wagon and are now all on the Trump express..
- - Kasich really can't speak without his arms flailing around, you can see he tries to control it early on but at some point he is karate chopping all around him…
- - Kasich will balance the budget, the first thing he could do if he ever did become president would get rid of the sign-language guy who hangs with the president and just karate chop his own way through it..
- - I wonder if between Trump's Yoga ability and his incredible manhood if he could literally suck his own..Let's leave it at that..
Here is our prediction in Michigan
Barry Sanders 2%
Michael Moore 1%
Thursday, March 3, 2016
We get that this dude is a bit self conscious, there is literally no way that he can see his own d!ck without the use of a mirror and when he dose whip out the mirror he has to see that terrible haircut.
But it might be time to take out the tub of kimchee and I think I have the plan. We get some locals to arrange for a big outdoor cake feast, there's no way that Big Kim can pass up on cake and when he approaches the center cake, a couple of commandos jump out like that chick from Under Siege but instead of bazookas they got bazookas.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Sometime in the fall there was a moment when the world was Ben Carson's oyster....for those few minutes he was Howard Dean, The 9-9-9 guys, Deez Nutz and the Rent is too Damn High guy wrapped into one and there was some thought that he could be the knight in shining armor we've all hoped for. Sadly, Ben Carson unlike his brother Johnny, was not ready for prime time and his campaign is expected to end today with about as much excitement as, well, Ben Carson. Never has a man who knew more about one subject been incapable of a rational though on another. Ben Carson spent months complaining that not body was listening and then proceeded to bore everybody to tears when they did.
He apparently has magical hands and with an ability to dull his patients to sleep in his Good Night Moon voice, was able to operate on an entire country without anybody noticing.
I think it would be nice if we all went out and bought his book, or not, I really don't care