Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Taking on sugar

With all the new potential laws being bantered about with cities, states and municipalities trying to tax sugar as a method of fighting obesity, we at TOR are having a hard time deciding what is right.

In general we don't like too much governmental intervention although in cases involving major vices: alcohol, tobacco, heavy drugs and gambling there does seem to be some justification. Now my libertarian friends will say that there is no place for government in regulation and that people should be allowed free-will. We don't disagree with this in theory but it takes society in a vacuum. People are stupid, lazy, immature and dependent and will make many decisions will have greater harm to society. I am all for telling a dude he can drink himself into a coma but I don't think he should get behind the wheel and put somebody else in one. I am fine with somebody squandering their money at the blackjack table as long as I'm assured that I'll never have to worry about his kids or family

But when I walk into a bodega and see a bunch of sugar water in baby-bottles with a nipple on them it does feel like it's gone too far. Like marketing sugary cereal to kids or adding Joe Kool to a pack of butts, this just feels wrong. To produce a sugar infused product which is marketed to kids to hook them on sugar is criminal.

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Monday, May 30, 2011

Take on Aging

As I venture into my late 30's, I started to notice some inadequacies. I wake up at night needing to pee, my knees creak and I have white hair in my beard. All of this comes with age and should have been expected but what hit me the hardest was the inability to drink during the day. Now i've frequently commented on the fact I don't recover like I once did but I always thought that on game-day I could still knock a couple off the center-field fence. Well now I discover that I've lost all my power, I've never had any speed and I am only relying on the craftiness which allows a veteran to compete seems but when the competition is 25 wit only goes so far. Years ago I'd down a six-pack of Miller Lite before the Yankee game was over and I'd be ready for shots before the Knick game started. Today I can't even have a single corona during the day and not feel an immediate need for a siesta. If I drink at a BBQ, don't expect me for dinner because I'll be down with my head on the pillow by 9pm.
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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Taking on the parenting

I spent 5 hours at the zoo yesterday and saw tons of kids being dragged around like they were a stubborn bulldog. We're at a zoo for god-sake, the entire place is set up to let kids roam around and parents still feel the need to harness their kids. Would it be the end of the world if you actually ran around your kids for a few minutes and maybe get your hands dirty as they splash around in the mud. It's not like you are leashing a greyhound who would dart off to never be seen again, you are leashing a 2 year old who will probably trip or get distracted before he makes it 10 yards away*.

How about you stop texting, stop chowing down on double-dutch ice-cream and start actually parenting. The animals under lock and key have more freedom than these kids.

Looking around, it shocks me how many people take these short-cuts as parents

It's not just the harnessing, I also don't agree with is the fact parents find it completely acceptable to throw their kid in front of the TV for hours as distraction so they can avoid doing any parenting. I'm not talking about the occasional. 20 minutes as a mom is making dinner or a dad is fixing the toilet but the mentality that just throwing your kid in front of the TV for hours per day is beyond ridiculous.

I always read about autism rates rising and you have to wonder if the fact as parents we spend more time watching TV, texting, talking on the phone than engaging with our kids.
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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Taking on Cheap Sushi and Cheaper Surgery

Was talking to a friend yesterday about some surgery she was planning on having done. She wasn't specific but it doesn't sound like it was major surgery and my guess it that it's probably cosmetic. Now I have no issue with cosmetic surgery at all - I've often thought about getting a sack-lift myself- and applaud any chick who wants to go from a C to an A by going from an A to a C. Her particular type of surgery is a mystery to me and she told me I probably wouldn't be able to tell.
The problem in this particular case was that she has not yet had the procedure done because of the cost and she was looking for a another doctor who could do it cheaper.
I am a frugal fool and will always opt for the less expensive option except in three cases sushi, ink and medical procedures. These are just not places where you want to skimp and the premium you pay for a top place is well justified.
Going cheap on sushi is the inexcusable, raw fish cannot be properly stored in a 120 degree bodega open-fridge or as part of an all-you-can eat Asian buffet.
As for ink: It should be pretty evident but getting a guy to do a tattoo cheap is almost as bad as cheap sushi, there are entire websites devoted to people who have been permanently scarred by having some tattoo artist with a third grade education misspell a few words in the ultimate permanent marker
The last place to never skimp is in any type of medical procedure. For those who have been to some of the establishments NOT called the Landing Strip on 8 mile will have seen some of the world's boob jobs which were obviously done under the heavy medication by both the quack and the crack.
See the last place you should never skimp is any kind of medical procedure be it cosmetic or medical. I don't care if you are getting a mole removed, a tummy tuck or a heart transplant, you always opt for the Doctor from Johns Hopkins over the one who got his education in Dominica.
Live by these three simple rules and you can be assured a nice set of fake cans set atop a skinny body highlighted by a properly spelled trampy-stamp as you chow down on her sushi.
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Friday, May 27, 2011

Take on Kris Humphries

The big TMZ news of the week was Kim Kardashian's engagement to NJ Net scrub Kris Humphries.    She was shown on the cover of US Weekly with a huge 20 carat diamond rock and as somebody who knows both scrubs from New Jersey and Diamonds, something did not add up.    Our first thought was obvious: how the hell does a guy who for his career averages less than 6 points per game score the closest thing we have to Marilyn Monroe.  Our second thought was; how the hell does a guy who for his career averages less than 6 points per game score a 20 carat $3 million dollar ring.   

Now the first answer is obvious: Humphries completes the needed 'K' name to complete the Kim, Kourtney and Klumpy circle.

For the second answer is a bit more difficult but obviously Kim needs to be a kept woman.   It still begs the question of how this scrub is able to afford such a rock or what kind of Newt Gingrich type of revolving credit line he's got going.  
Well it didn't take much because I found out that the NJ Nets are doing their best NY Mets impression by giving Humphries $3million dollars per year to keep a seat on the end of the bench warm for Brook Lopez who by the way is the most overrated big-man this side of David Lee.

Now Kim Kardashian obviously shoots back to the top of the WAG list although Humphries still falls way behind the regular tail Derek Jeter is able to score although he'll be happy to know that he is definitely ahead of Lamar Odom.

Anyway, we predict that the wedding will never happened because really unless you are Hank Baskett this sort of story never lasts and even if it does you just know Kendra is getting her eagle twiddled by Michael Vick on the side anyway.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

take on infant murder

Earlier this week I read an article in the Times about how infant-mortality rates plummeted after some Zambian midwives were given better training, it was one of these feel-good stories that showed that with some financial help (as little as $300 per child saved) from the Western World a small country in Africa could help bring more babies into this world.
The issue is that next to an article how a country in Africa is cutting infant mortality rates there is another article of some little girl who gets dumped down a garbage compactor or a mother who drives her entire family into a river.
Days like this I hate being part of this world and I wonder how exactly we're supposed to be the civilized ones.   
Now this isn't based on anything but my daily perusal of the NY papers and I might be completely wrong but somehow it just feels like there have been a much higher rate incidents involving infants, babies and small children recently.  Maybe as a father to a young child I am more sensitive to it, maybe with a bad economy people are taking things out on the most defenseless or maybe it's just an anomaly but I know in my heart that there is more senseless violence against young kids than ever. .   It almost feels like these copy-cat suicides or school shooting which happened every few years when you'll see one event lead to a bunch of others. 
Regardless of the cause or the trends I'm saddened and disgusted on a much more regular basis than I ever remember when I see the actions of people living in this city and the rest of this country
In the last few weeks I've seen the following headlines
·         May 26th
Pa. mom charged in death of baby found in suitcase

·         May 26th
No bail: Luis Melendez, 33, arraigned on child-assault, endangerment charges in death of baby nephew using a baby blanket before driving off

·         May 22nd
Baby Found in Walt Whitman Trash Compactor:  A newborn tossed down a housing project's trash chute survived the eight-story fall because he landed on a pile of garbage and the compactor was jammed

·         May 20th
Teen mom, Shantaniqua Nykole Scott, caught on tape smothering baby with hand and blanket

·         May 10th
Newborn Abandoned in Trash at a Queens Hospital, later dies

·         May 4th
17-Year-Old Is Charged in Baby's Death in Marble Hill Houses

·         April 26th
3 Children Drowned by Mother in Hudson River Are Buried

Just looking at these 10 or so cases, most of these are actions by mostly single mothers on the most defenseless victims and one-way or another we aren't reaching them in time.    I understand that money could be tight or that relationships have work out as well as they may have but how throwing your child in a garbage can seems like the most sensible thing to do is absurd.
What the hell is wrong with these people?   It's completely depressing to have to read this but there must be something to all of this.   I can't be sure but this stuff seems to run in cycles and we are in a very viscous one now.  


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Take on Oprah

As Oprah signs off of her show today after 25 years of record ratings she leaves behind a legacy.   I'm sure that back in 1985 the thought of a black woman being the most powerful person in media seemed about as farfetched as a black-president.  

She probably also leaves behind a giant void for bon-bon eating housewives around the country, one that cannot be filled by any combination of Tyra, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil and Ricki Lake.    What I am proud of is that in my 35 years on this fine earth I have never seen a single episode of Oprah.  I am probably the only one ever but I swear that I never saw her sponsors give out a car to audience members, I never saw Tom Cruise dance on her couch, I never bought a book from her club, I never cried when she talked to somebody about sexual abuses and I never noticed when she put on 50 pounds after a weekend of sex, chocolate, hot-dogs and other debauchery.    I do know from the front of the tabloids that she is probably a gay woman in hiding and that she desperately seeks attention.   I also imagine that there will be many middle-aged women who will have to turn to other things for their inspiration.. 

 So the question is who will fill the giant void she is leaving.. my guess is that it'll be a black-hole sucking up all things from here to Chicago and back again

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Take on the Hot97 morning crew

There have been all of these billboards in NYC for the new/updated/old Hot97 morning/afternoon/evening team. I have never listed to this crew so i will make all my judgments based solely on the billboards.
The reason I even mention it is because the billboards plastered around the city calls the trio "The Black, The Puerto Rican and the Jew". Obviously I get that the are desperately trying to widen their audience and I always appreciate anybody who shuns the concept of political correctness but what is how it sounds coming out of my own mouth.
I am not sure what it is but there is something very different to me when I say "the Puerto Rican" or when I say 'the Jew' or 'the Black'. One sounds like a very sensible descriptive term while the other have me look over both shoulders before I utter them around proper company.
I have been trying to draw a distinction and feel like it comes down to a nationality vs other description. People have pride in their nationalities and feel being described as that is sensitive while race and religion are still items obviously not allowed to be discussed at the dinner table

For example there is something very different to saying. "My sister in law married a Brazilian guy' than saying "my sister in law married a black guy"' even if her husband is both black and Brazilian. Now I don't imply anything more with my statement than pointing out a fact but one of them sounds completely wrong coming out of my mouth. I think by taking the preface of 'a' and replacing it with a descriptive 'guy' behind the word black it does soften it somewhat but still feels more harsh than 'a Puerto Rican' or 'a Brazilian'
But the Jew line is even worse, there just is no way to spin that to not make you sound anti-semetic and it's ridiculous. Maybe it's because it's a religion vs a nationality but why would one be an acceptable description while the other makes you look out for an American History X reference.

So in short, I am a bit interested in this show although I am sure the most provocative thing will have been the billboard
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Monday, May 23, 2011

Take on those takeout Szechuan places

I consider myself a true New Yorker when it comes to my food choices. I'm not afraid to eat from the grease carts, the dirty hot-dog vendors or the bodegas but when it comes to those Szechuan take-out places with the bars on the window and the fluorescent lighting I'd rather lick the floor of the subway (although not the A train) It is not like I am anti-Chinese food as generally I really like it and I like Szechuan style particularly but those places you usually see near housing projects is where I draw a line.
For some reason these Chinese business-people think that posting pictures of their awful looking grub will help customers decide but when your presentation looks like it was put together by a 10 year-old, I think it loses any appeal. The pictures make it look like dog-food so I can only imagine the actual food looks even less edible to start off and the fluorescent lights can do nothing to help it look more appetizing.

My other issue is with those NYC grading systems, I just assume it has to be done on a weighted scale. There is just no way those inspectors can hold the same standards for one of those places like they would for Per Se or Jean Georges. When the ghetto places gets a B rating it probably means that the rats running around are cooked and served as mushu pork which for the Four Seasons must be the equivalent of a busboy having a 1/8th inch tear in his hair-net.

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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Take on the New Bagel Shop

When a new bagel-shop opened around the corner from me, I just about lost it in my euphoria. Nothing is more New York than a good kettle-baked bagel and now there would be a place within 2 minutes of my front yard.
With lots of fanfare, they opened up about a month ago and with little fanfare they went from a line out of the door to what now seems destined to the graveyard of failed restaurants.
The reason for the diminished crowds can be broken down for the following reason

- cold stale bagels. When I walked out of the place last Saturday at 11AM and bit into my poppy-seed bagel with lox-spread and it tasted like a hard stale roll, you knew the place didn't stand a chance. You MUST have fresh bagels on a Saturday morning, I can walk into a bodega and get a three day old bagel, I go to a bagel store to get a fresh one.

- inconsistent pricing. A plain bagel is $0.80, a whole-wheat one is $0.90 and a poppy seed one is $0.95. I've never seen it before and for good reason, nobody wants to make their decision of which bagel to choose based on price.

- bad layout. They have no flow to the restaurant. It's a typical storefront with a few small tables in the front, with the prep counter partitioned off by the big deli-counter fridges on the left wall. The resister is in the front part of the prep counter so the idea is that you order at the back of the store and make your way to the front to pay. Problem is the place is either too small or they figured for too much space for the prep-station because there is no room for the start of the line..
First of all How can you figure to start a line at the back of a store it makes no sense because it limits you immediately. It allows for exactly one person to stand on deck which on a busy weekend morning means you can't service your customers. It forces a double snake line going from the middle of the store to the back and then back again. With no room to breath, it's completely claustrophobic. There is nothing I hate more than trying to decide which expensive stale bagel to order while surrounded by the stench of my neighbors friday nights hangover.

But worse than all of it is the:

- customer service. I ordered my poppy with lox-spread and get rung up for $5 - look at the guy confused. The price clearly states a bagel with flavored cream-cheese including lox-spread is $2.95. I ask him about it and he says the pricing changed. This is the first weekend they are open. They have 100,000 flyers printed and a huge sandwich board posted and they go and change prices?

Well that in itself is one thing but I can see they miscalculated something, what gets me is that they didn't mention it to me when I either
a) ordered it
b) rang me up

They just glanced over it and hoped I wouldn't notice. Being a frugal fool, obviously it didn't get past me and I called him out. He said prices had gone up or something but he'd 'give it to me at the old pricing'.
I don't like being made the fool and I especially don't like having a store-owner try to take credit for trying to 'give me' something after he just tried to hide a price increase from me.
It's disheartening that on your first weekend open in a new neighborhood you try to get one over on your customers

Bagel-shops are staples in a neighborhood and people will swear by theirs and force friends to come from far and away. You need the word of mouth, a good vibes and most importantly a good bagel to survive...so far you've failed in every regard.
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Saturday, May 21, 2011

take on the crazies

Update: as of 6:30 the apocalypse hasn't happened.. But it's only 3:30 on the West Coast so stay tuned
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Take on the Bunt

Reading the front pages of the tabloids, I keep seeing headlines saying that Arnold seduced the fat maid on the bed he shared with Maria Shriver.
I'm one that believes it takes two to tango and I'd venture to guess that the fat maid seduced the Governator, let's be serious he was Mr. Universe and she looks like she has a gravitational pull with stars in her eyes.. Maria Shriver is not much of a looker but good God that maid is absolutely dreadful, this chicks Bunt is as bit as Serena William's ass and a lot less attractive.
What bothers me is that they keep comparing Arnold to Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Except for the fact it involved two Europeans who had powerful political positions and the girls were both maids, the two stories have almost nothing in common. Now obviously both are scum for cheating on their wives but there is a major distinction here: the Austrian participated in a consensual act when he banged the fat chick who probably wanted it more than he did while the Frenchman sexually assaulted a chambermaid. Some people have implied that the chambermaid seduced Strauss-Kahn because of his position and international notoriety. Let me go out on a limb here and say that some Dominican chick from the Bronx had less than no idea who this wine drinking, cheese eating pervert is.. I saw Maid-in-Manhattan and J-Lo had no clue who Mathew McConaughey was.
Now first of all, never trust a guy whose got a woman's name especially if he hyphenates his last name but what is the most shocking is that Strauss-Kahn's wife showed up at his indictment hearing, even if she believes he didn't try to rape the young girl, I don't think anybody is denying that there was some kind of sex act (consensual or against her will). In this country Mrs Strauss-Kahn would be in a courtroom too, except in her case she'd be going through proceedings of divorce
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Friday, May 20, 2011

Take on Judgment Day

I'm not sure what the more obvious sign of the apocalypse is: the end of the day prognostication posters or the fact Sarah Palin says she has the fire in her belly to run for president

Anyway you cut it; I'm feeling a bit weird today knowing that the end of the world could be less than 24 hours away and I haven't ever played golf at Augusta, haven't ever been to the Sistine Chapel and have never seen Doctor Zhivago.   I'm also a bit annoyed that I paid off all my credit card bills, never learned how to Tango and that there hasn't ever been a verifiable topless picture of Jennifer Aniston. 

Now although I'm not happy myself I feel especially badly for my Hasidic friend who can't watch TV during the Sabbath so he won't know if the apocalypse has come for him there won't be any sign, poor guy will be kept in the dark all day until finally he'll be in the dark for the rest of eternity..

Obviously as any sane person I'm skeptical of any 'end-of-the-earth' fear-tactics BUT I have been looking in the news for signs that the end of the world is near and maybe this 7000 years after the great Noah Flood thing has some legs..  Just look at these signs

·         It has been raining for about a week straight

·         I saw two cats hanging out together in my back-yard this morning; it looked like they were planning something big.

·         80% of the dudes I questioned agreed that Serena Williams was a total piece of ass.

·         The original Judgment Day Star Arnold Schwarzenegger has been plastered over every tabloid paper.

·         OBL had a bigger porn collection than your average Irish born, sex craved rugby player

·         The US finally put their foot down on the pre 1967 borders

·         Katie Couric signs off for good of the CBS Evening News  and nobody noticed

·         Donald Trump was taken seriously as a presidential candidate

·         Jason Giambi belted three home-runs last night

·         I got a great fare on a flight to Korea for June..which apparently I won't be able to use

·         Oprah's last show is conveniently scheduled for the 25th

·         Macho Man Randy Savage death

·         Oklahoma City making an NBA title run

·         I got a good locker at the NYSC two days in a row on the top row right by the showers

·         Mariano Rivera blows two straight saves against the Orioles

·         A seemingly hetro-sexual man dumps Bar Refaeli

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Take on 'smoking hot'

TOR is always into running some social experiments and yesterday was no different.   After trolling around the interwebs I found the above and showed it to a select group of guys in their 30's and asked me to rate the chick in the picture as either
  • Hot
  • Very Hot
  • Smoking Hot
  • I'm Ghey

Now I know what you are thinking…. This has to be the easiest question I've ever had to answer, if typing was this easy I may have actually gotten out of high-school without needing some lame doctor's note.      We sent this picture realizing that any man with a pulse should realize that the above figurine just reeks of sexiness, she's go curves ontop of curves and an ass that starts here and ends somewhere in compton.     
Well as any good social-experiment we got some telling and interesting results.
The results of our informal poll were as expected with  80% of crowd rejoicing in the sheer sex-appeal of the picture even as they tried desperately to figure out if they were being set up. The answer just seemed to obvious and there was no obvious control group so understandably the guys were a bit skeptical.   The problem was that even with the possibility of a set-up, the thought of this silhouette grabbing their head between those thighs and squeezing was too appealing that the possibility that this was a dude who had tucked his unit into his gigantic ass was not enough to throw them off their animalistic desires.   
The beauty of the exercise wasn't to see if there was a Jared Max fan in the crowd but rather to see how even the most obvious question seems like it has to be a setup. 
The comments we got included
"very hot"
"agreed completely hot"
" hot, can't see the face....who is it? "
"not so much for me..Backside is as big as mine
"She is definitely extremely hot.  I carefully inspected the profile of her face and I'd say that she's very pretty plus she's got the other obvious assets.   Like all good perverts, I like 'em really skinny or really thick"
" That is an attractive body."
"you guys are crazy her butt looks pregnant."

You can see the way this thing went.. dudes being dudes and most were willing to recognize a piece-of-ass when they saw it.
I then showed them the link to her face and easily 50% of the 'hot' votes wanted to change their vote to 'I'm ghey'

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

taking on the crotch burn

I'm walking around the office wearing black shoes, black socks, black pinstripe pants a black t-shirt and an ice-pack on my balls.   I haven't gone Euro-chic and I haven't gone Goth but I have gone through one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life.

This afternoon as I was sitting at my favorite lunch spot I went from a normal northeastern professional to a guy who walks around like he's in a John Wayne movie with broad steps taken in what seems like slow-motion.    I haven't decided to move to Texas and start riding horses but I feel like I did just spent the last few hours horse-jumping.   See my undercarriage is so incredibly tender I'm having a hard time deciding if I even want to move.    Before you jump to conclusions,; I did NOT pull a nut swinging a golf-club and I haven't been fooling around with Crazy Amy, this is more of a surface pain than an internal one.   Even calling it a pain implies it may have happened doing something remotely physical so to be more accurate this is more of a burn and I'm not talking about the gonorrhea kind and more of a literal one.     

 A few years ago when that woman sued McDonalds for spilling hot coffee on herself it just reeked of greed, I criticized it for all that it told you about American culture, laziness and selfishness.    Obviously no woman should have her leg burned by scolding hot coffee but I'm not sure anybody should be rewarded with a $100 million dollar payment for doing something as idiotic as spilling coffee on their own leg.    Well that was then and this is now cause today during lunch I had my own McDonalds moment after the waiter delivered a cup of coffee to my table and as he walked away I proceeded to pick it up and drop it immediately.    Within a split second the table was covered, my white shirt was brown, my phone was soaked but the worst part was my crotch took the brunt of the spill.   I cannot tell you how painful it is to spill a full cup of steaming hot-coffee on your leg but take that pain and multiply it by 1000000 because the nerve-endings on my unit feel like they just ran a marathon.

So here I sit at my desk wearing my gym shirt  while perched ontop of a pile of ice.   My life cannot possibly be worse

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Take on the train directly behind this one

There is nothing more frustrating than the disingenuous announcement an MTA conductor makes when he implores riders to not crowd onto this present train but wait instead for the next one if you can even understand the garble coming from the subway speakers.
I'm not against intelligent and sensible methods of ensuring that the trains run on schedule but there is no veteran rider who believes the 'there is another express train directly behind this one' crap we get force-fed everyday.
Anybody who has taken this advice knows they will be standing on the garbage riddled, 100 degree rat infested platform for another 10 minutes waiting for that directly-behind-this train unicorn. There is no train directly behind this one, there never has been one and probably never will be one.. I'm sure it's just part of the conductors manual to try to speed up train traffic but a New York commuter will not be fooled more than once. So Mr MTA guy, how about coming up with some real facts about the next train so people can make a sensible decision whether to get onto a crowded train instead of lying and maybe the next straphangers survey won't rate you as unacceptable.
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Monday, May 16, 2011

Take on the Straight Brim Hat

This is easily 5 years late but there really is no worse look than some white-kid wearing a straight brim baseball cap. No self respecting Yankee fan wears a purple or yellow pinstripes, a jersey with the name printed above the number or a straight brim Yankee cap.
I get there is a hip-hop culture which I can't possibly understand and that there are fashion trends I should not be a part of but there really is no dumber look. I am convinced that in 10 years when they do a 'remember the 2000's'" that a whole bunch of snotnosed suburban kids will look at this generation like my generation of snot-nosed rich suburban kids look at the hockey-haircut and Z-Cavaricci. Any-time you wear non-fitting clothes (be it jeans that cut your sperm-count by nuclear exposure levels or jeans so big you can fit a heavyset Polynesian dude in there with you, it's bound to be an embarrassment years later and this look is no different..
Not only does it look idiotic, it probably hurts as the brim cuts directly into your forehead but maybe the head indentation proves how hip-hop you are even when you aren't wearing one
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Sunday, May 15, 2011

Take on non Dishwasher safe

I love the SodaStream let me be clear but what really disturbes me is the whole 'don't put in the dishwasher' thing. Now I'm not proposing to dump the entire concept into the wasteland of yuppy indulgence but they have to come up with a way to figure out a cleaning method because I'm also not comfortable with mold buildup at the bottom of my seltzer. .
I understand the concept of not exposing plastics to high temperatures especially as we learn more about the dangers of BPA and its cousins but it still leaves me to wonder how the hell I'm supposed to clean these things?. Just like you don't wash your hands with cold water after dropping a deuce (unless you are in Europe) I cannot imagine getting anything clean by just rinsing it in luke-warm bath water.
I order to try to clean them, I have bought a bunch of bottle cleaners but I have yet to find one that is long enough while still keeping it tensile strength to be able to effective. It's like when you see the videos with the dudes with the 2 foot dongs, they need one of those hospital bed cranes to get the thing anywhere near the chick
So I implore Soda Stream to come up with a glass bottle which is dishwasher-safe cause I am getting sick and tired of that fungus flavored bubble-water.
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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Take on Coffee

What gets me is how many people tell me they love coffee and how few of them actually love coffee. Now there is obviously a physical addiction which is indisputable but past that there is a true love for coffee.
I drink coffee TO style: strong and black while others prefer it Carson Palmer style: fruity and white. Whether it's the milk, the shots of hazelnut or the true sugar additive I am convinced that for many what draws people to cafe is mostly sucrose.
True coffee is an acquired taste for a sophisticated pallet while light-and-sweet is the equivalent of a crappy Jennifer Anniston romantic comedy. Most people who claim to love it really love bubble gum sugar and honestly it's yet another reason we are falling behind the Chinese..
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Friday, May 13, 2011

Take on Osama's Porn collection

As part of the CIA's method of discrediting OBL, they have revealed that there weren't only Jihad letters on those thumb drives.  Apparently the Terror mastermind had a huge collection of porn amongst his personal belongings.   It does tell you one thing, even the world's most evil man would sit in his den and beat off even with three wives sleeping in those bedrooms.   In his defense he was probably stuck in that mini-Waco compound for five years and without the internet or phone-lines it's got to get just a bit boring.    
But the discoveries that have come out so far include some hashish growing on the compound, the hair coloring he used, the boatload of herbal Viagra they found, the Anti-Obama rhetoric, his crazy temper and now this porn collection and all of a sudden this dude resembled every postman I've ever met.      I'm not sure I have any interest in visiting that compound but I am sure that I have no interest in touching that blanket he had draped all over his body.
Now imagine you are one of those couriers who was risking his life to pass these thumb-drives through the back-channels to avoid being noticed in Pakistan and you find out that everytime you were risking your life with one of these things in your possession it probably had a bunch of double-dildo interracial backdoor action on them.
well my friends on the FFA won the internet today when they brainstormed and came up with most likely titles OBL was watching

Burqa Jerka
One night in Fallujah 
Chicks With Dynamite Sticks 
Camel toes 
Put it in my Burqa 4: Back to Assghanistan
Compound My Ass
Missionary Accomplished II 
Islam: The Religion of Piece... of Ass!!
KandaHard.
Lezbollah 
Hit Dat Shi'ite
Forbidden Love 12: I want to Goo a Jew
Weapons of Ass Destruction
Al Jizzeara
Deep Goat
Caliphornication
BACK THAT ### UP!! (No really.. Back that Donkey up so i can stick my #### in it) 

and the clear cut-winner
Lawrence Of Their Labia


But at the end of the day, this is why I tell everybody to get the Google Chrome application so you can surf over to XNXX.com and YouPorn.com in Incognito mode so when you croak the entire world won't know the amount of filth you've been exposed to.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Take on Brisol

So all the talk on the interwebs is about the apparent face-lift Bristol Palin got since she was booted off of Dancing with the Stars
As the article on Yahoo stated  "Her face now appears thinner, with higher cheekbones and an angular jaw."   Now I'm all for getting some work done, especially if you are going to give you some natural looking C's but this Bristol thing seems like a Cher situation.   I mean she went from a sort-of-cute chubby chick with a cabbage patch face to a Madame Tussauds caricature who looks like she aged 10 years in the process.      Add to it that Suzy Kolber hairdo and it won't be long before Broadway Joe slobbers all over her. 
You're only 20 once in your life; you should enjoy it and keep looking like a fairly hot young chick by going out and getting so plastered you don't remember flashing the entire bar.  But what really bothers me is that she came up with some lame reason why she got the face-lift by saying that she needed surgery because her jaw didn't close correctly.  
Honestly this chick should worry less about her jaw locking and more time about her legs locking because she's like a god-damned bunny rabbit and nothing turns aa hot-young-chick from a train-ride to a train-wreck faster than a mini-van filled with her own kids

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

take on sleep

With all the talk of those flight-control deck operators snoozing on the job, it showed again why the third shift is traditionally the least productive.  The human body is programmed to be awake during the daylight hours and sleep at night so the guys that work at night and thus sleep during the day constantly fight their body's natural rhythm.
I have often said that it's not the amount of hours you sleep but the time you wake up which allows you to function the best.   I can goto sleep at 10pm and wake up at 5:45 and feel like hell and the next day goto bed at 1AM and wake up at 7AM and feel like a thousand bucks.    Obviously I'm getting less sleep in the second scenario but I always theorize that every minute before 6:30AM counts exponentially more than any minute after 6:30AM.

Each minute prior to 6:30 feels like the equivalent of a 15% premium per actual minute and it adds up cumulatively.
So waking up at 6:26AM feels like you lost 60x1.15+60x1.15x1.15+60x1..15x1.15x1.15+60x1.15x1.15x1.15x1.15 -> 5 minutes and 44 seconds instead of the 4 it shows on your clock.    .

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Take on Judgement Day

As if my day isn't stressful enough, I walk onto the train today and am met with a sign announcing the end of day as predicted in the bible. I get upset when they tell me the NFL might not kick off in September and now this. First of all, I thought the Mayans had this whole doomsday thing wrapped up already and I had another 6 and a half months left and now I'm being told to wrap it all up by next Friday.

What gets me is the religious angle, what the hell is the point of me living within my means if all sins are erased come the 21st, shit if I knew it was gonna be this kind of party I would have doubled down on coke, strippers and booze because I'm 35 and surely haven't lived it up Armageddon style
But even if there is truth to it, I would have expected a sign of the apocalypse to come in the form of a burning bush, an angel or at least an image of the Virgin Mary inside my pancake mix, not some cheap sign on the R train. So I'm not buying this one, if it happens let God strike me down or at least clean up my bar-bill.

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Monday, May 9, 2011

take on locker-room conversation

Standing at the NYSC last Friday as I'm fuming about the fact I can't get a locker, I had an experience that far outweighs my annoyance.     I'm standing drying off when some dude comes up to me and starts a full conversation.     Now I'm not anti-conversation but I am anti-conversation with a dude in the buff.    This dude not-only made no attempt to cover up, he just stood there kind of swaying side-to-side.  I felt like I was looking at one of those office ornaments you see people have that makes the designs in the sand.    Here I am trying desperately to get out of the 1000 degree hell-hole that is NYSC locker-room and this dude is making small talk trying to figure out what a good restaurant on the upper-west side is.  The weirdest thing is that the entire time I'm forced to make intense eye contact as the dude is practically beating off as he's towling himself off which i'm sure only made the guy think I was more interested.
I'm not even sure the dude was gay (NTTIAWWT) cause he seemed like he was either foreign or from the midwest. Now people can do anything they want on their own time what makes people think that this is at all acceptable behavior in any setting, country or midwestern state.    

I do know one thing for sure.. next time I'm changing in the shower.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Take on Mrs ARod

Cameron Diaz has always been an anomaly to me. She's not hot, she's not cute, quite frankly she is not really attractive but somehow she seems to be able to land a ton of dudes. Now I'm sure it's at least 50% reputation as sort of a fun girl (read: anal sex) although as I have often said give me the hottest chick on the planet and I'll find a dude who wants to strangle her.
Well Cameron Diaz is nowhere near the hottest chick on the planet so there have to be thousands of dudes ready to kick her out of the sack but even we were somewhat intrigued especially when we saw her Cosmo cover. Somehow she doesn't look like a flat-faced stick-figure toad so either she's gotten hot overnight or the Cosmo staff pulled an all-night airbrush session.

As our favorite website (www.WWTDD.com) said when describing her on the cover of Cosmo: she looks pretty good for 48, too bad she's only 38
That pretty much says it right there.
..
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Saturday, May 7, 2011

Take on the locker

I got a lot of issues with the gym, from the filthy sweat covered machines, the pumped up sweat covered dudes swaying their huge units in the air and the jello like substance coating the floors of the showers. These are all annoyances but nothing annoys me more than the fact that on a Friday Night at 6PM I walk into the locker room and every locker has a lock on it. Now I'm all for giving people a place to store their crap but when there are 15 total people in the gym and 80 locks on the lockers there's something very wrong.
NYSC has a pretty well publicized policy that you are not allowed to use one of the normal lockers to store your stuff while you are not presently using the facilities. There are lockers set aside which can be rented so you can store things overnight but the general locker-room ones are to be emptied every-night. Well there I stand on a beautiful Friday afternoon when anybody who is anybody is already well on their way to a big weekend and I still can't get a locker at eye-level unless I am willing to venture to the part of the locker room where the buff-dudes stare in the mirror while they blow dry their shafts.

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Friday, May 6, 2011

take on the Yellow Pages

caught an article on Gawker earlier today about Seattle starting to crack down on yellow-pages and it got me to thinking about what a gigantic waste of paper these things are.   I know that there is advertising dollars at stake but I've lived in many buildings over my life and when the phone-company drops off 20 copies of the yellow-pages all 20 end up in the trash.

In today's world with google on every smartphones not to mention things like Yelp and UrbanDaddy there just isn't any point to them anymore.    I think that the phone-companies have long ago gotten rid of the normal white-pages or maybe I've just been lucky enough to not get bombarded with them lately but I just cannot image somebody under the age of 80 turning to anything in print to find out information.    The Yellow pages offer no reviews, no feedback and if there is a misprint you are 12 months away from an update.   So for the sake of trees, the garbage men and sanity, I'm imploring Bloomberg to follow Seattle's persistent and get rid of these glorified doorstoppers.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Taking on the BQE billboards

I might be the only one who notices these things but I have never really understood why there were so many signs for strip-clubs overlooking the BQE. Now as any regular TORer knows, we are big proponents of strip-clubs so this is far from a complaint and instead more of a general observation.

I guess there was some market study done that shows that people who are about to cross the Kosciuszko Bridge are generally bigger hornballs than people stuck in traffic along. the Major Deegan because I don't see this ratio of strip-club signs to more family friendly ones on any of the other arteries around NYC.
I guess they may have chosen this highway over others because traffic tends to crawl so it allows drivers more time to read the ads or maybe the laws are more lax when it comes to decency rules but any decent topless joint in NYC has a sign on the BQE.

It literally seems that there are more signs advertising chicks shaking their asses on the Queens stretch than there are exit signs
I have to imagine that these signs are trying to strike at a certain animalisitic instinct. Some dude is frustrated and angry while stuck in horrible traffic, sees a sign and says 'screw it, I need to blow off some steam'

The problem is that it just doesn't make sense. because the vast majority are for cabarets in the city nowhere near the Brooklyn-Queens corridor.
A couple of these ads are for places like Naked City in Queens so at least there is a chance for a guy to see the sign and immediately get off at the next exit (if he can find the sign) and stop for a lapper or five but as the majority of the ads are for places in the city.
I have to think that there is virtually no chance that they get a guy who is stuck in miserable traffic who sees a sign and decides that this is the time to get off an exit sit on the LIE crawling towards the midtown tunnel. Make your way across town, find parking in midtown and then make your way to the velvet seats at 52nd and Broadway.

Now I know advertising is partly about overall impression as I'm sure Coke doesn't expect somebody to buy a soda everytime they come across a street sign but we are not talking about big brand-name products that you can get anywhere. Each of these places is its own entity so it's not like you see a sign for LACE and you couldn't at least get a similar thrill at another place..

So unless there is a market study that proves this is a good way to spend their advertising dollar, I recommend they cut this spending and use the saving to discount lap-dances for their most loyal customers.
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Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Take on the Shameful

I'm contemplating starting a shame blog where I post pictures of people participating in the destruction of civilization. Standing at the airport I find some dude who seems to be of complete sound mind and body plant his grease-back ass right in the seats designated for the handicap. At what point did common decency get thrown to the wolves?
I knew a guy a few years ago who had one of those handicap tags hanging from his SUV and would always park in the first spot by the mall or baseball field. The guy didn't come in a wheelchair, he wasn't deaf or blind, he didn't have any physical ailment other than the fact he was 400 pounds. I'm sure he had a hard time getting around and when you'd sit with him, he'd breath so heavy that if sounded like you were in a wind-tunnel but there is no way that anybody should get a good parking spot because they have a cholesterol level nearing the temperature of the sun.
So from today forward TOR will post pictures of people who bring down the decency of humanity with their selfishness and laziness.

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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Take on the subway sleeper

There can't be anything more disturbing than the guy who sleeps on the subway. I'm not talking about the homeless guy who smells like decaying flesh but the guy whose busting his ass for 10 hours per day to keep his middle-class household lifestyle up. How the hell can anybody let themselves plop up against one of those grease stained windows, drooling on yourself while people shove, push and smell their way back to their Brooklyn homes.
It's not as if I'm not tired but there is just no way I'd ever allow myself to ever risk laying my head down in that lice-infested hepatitis laced, homeless pissed filled tin-can.
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Monday, May 2, 2011

Obama takes on Osama

After a decade of hiding, OBL was finally brought to justice and the world applauded even if half the country was unhappy it happened on Obama's watch. I was with a bunch of crazies last night, the kind of guys who believe the birth certificate is a forgery and who will tell you there is tape of Obama saying that he has every intention of turning this country into a muslim country.
These guys are like Glenn Beck on crack and honestly believe that Obama is the anti-Christ although to be honest many of wacky liberals said the same of Junior Bush.
But as I sat there listening to the press conference with this collection, one of them turns around and states

"I hate the son of a bitch, but after this even I may. vote for him".

So the best way to tug at the nations heart strings" is to wrap it in a flag.
But what seems obvious in hindsight was that OBL was hiding out in a mansion 8 times as big as another in the neighborhood with 3 foot thick cement walls surrounding the complex probably with armed guards in sniper towers and alligators in a moat. This seems like you have Waco complex in your back-yard and the claim you've never seen in.
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Sunday, May 1, 2011

Take on Time Warner Cable

Is there anything more UnAmerican than a monopoly. It foes against the notion of fair competition and the type of capitalism this country prides itself on and most of the time the courts will rule in favor of competition although it has led to a few industries where there are only a few rivals.
Well cable TV in many places has no rival, for years I have had exactly one option: Time Warner cable. I have lived in buildings which do not allow satellite dishes and FIOS is yet to venture out to my part of Brooklyn so it seems I have no alternatives and thus very little recourse in terms of threatening to leave.
Last week I had a cable issue where my cable acted up so I call a service representative who gives me the typical 'send a signal through the wire' jive which obviously does nothing to get Game of Thrones onto my TV screen. After all their other attempts (turn box off, unplug for 2 minutes, hit with hammer) prove futile. They inform me that a technician will have to come out to fix the issue. They schedule the soonest appointment which is 11 days into the future between 10AM to 2PM on a Monday afternoon.
So you tell me that in order to get your crappy service at an inordinate price, I have to wait for 11 days and then take a day off of work. I ask for another option and am shut down immediately saying that this is the first appointment and there are no other options. I ask to take it up a level and speak with a manager who was completely unimpressed with the $15000 I have spent on cable service with Time Warner over the last 8 years and she acts as if I should consider myself lucky for having Time Warner Cable. When asked about my predicament it tells me that there is nothing she will do to speed up the process. I ask to see other options and she says I have none and when I ask to speak with her supervisor she says that he wouldn't 'speak with residential customers".
Oh yeah here is the kicker.. She will not credit me for the lost service until it is repaired and I'm told that I'd have to call back and request a credit after the technician repairs it.
MLIA

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