Saturday, March 31, 2012

Take on the new Google Chrome ads

Google launched a new ad campaign with the MTA this week with
thousands of ads for the Chrome web-browser plastered across the
subways. Although Chrome has been around for five years apparently
not everybody is convinced ( or just too lazy to care), so Google is
back on the offensive
The ads taut all the advantages over Explorer which is kind of like
telling a Charlotte Bobcat fan that your team is better than theirs.
They talk about superior speed, efficiency and reliability but the
most common ads are ones touting the privacy feature within Chrome
which allows users to surf without accumulating any web-history. It's
probably the best feature but the way these ads portray the use of
incognito mode is completely ludicrous. The ad features some lame
comic strip about some kid knowing what crappy present his old man was
gonna get him after apparently seeing he'd been on some online
ecommerce site a few days earlier .

What is so ridiculous is that nobody is remotely fooled by this,
everybody knows that The incognito mode is used for one thing and one
thing only.....

Friday, March 30, 2012

Take on

It's 8:45AM and the D-Train is packed, hot and smelly yet this jack off feels like the entire ridership should have to listen to his personal concerto.   If 
there is something more annoying than standing next to a guy on the subway whose got his IPod cranked so loudly that you can hear every Dave Mustain screech over the  screech subway,  i'd like to know what that is.  
Isn't the idea of headphones so that only you hear it?  I just don't get pumping it up so loudly that it vibrates you brain, forget hearing damage this can't possibly sound good

The cruel irony of it all is that this handjob won't ever know what it feels like because his eardrums are probably as worn out as a Thai whore

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Take on Miss(ter) World

There has been this rage on the interwebs and on cable-TV about some beauty contestant  named Jenna Talackova in the Miss World competition who was a dude just a few years ago.    Now TOR believes that if a dude can win a competition of the hottest chicks around, than it might be time to get some better looking contestants although I do have a buddy who has been quotes as saying that a Tranny prostitute his buddy ass-banged was really hot.  

But I don't see a transgender person winning Miss World as the same kind of travesty against humanity that others do, my bigger issue is that I've seen exactly one photo of this chick/dude and she looks like a Thai hooker.   There is absolutely no way that you wouldn't know this was a dude even if you didn't try to go to third base and found a baseball bat where the pitcher's mound was supposed to be.

This dude has the typical transvestite look.. The pulled back face, the high cheek bones, the adams apple, the big hands, the buldge in her swimsuit… how this ever got past the first level of judges is beyond me.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Take on the ESPN2

I went to sleep a happy man, Wednesday was to be a beautiful day, work was going well, I had sushi for dinner and there was no reason for me to not wake up with a huge sh!t eating grin on my face, instead I felt sick when I glanced at my cell-phone and saw a picture of a gigantic nasty dump he took last night and decided to capture for posterity 
It's 1:05 AM and I am still at the office.  I must have been the last person in the building for a few hours now - including the cleaning staff.  I didn't think I would be here this late, as is usually the case.  I tried to wait until I got home, but I just couldn't hold out anymore.  I decided to take a break a few minutes ago and hit the stall.  It was a nice relief, actually.  The cleaning people had done a nice job with new toilet paper rolls and the seats cleaned and lifted in every stall. 
Of course, I chose the handicapped stall for the ample room and the lowered mirror allowing me to stare at myself during my moment of relaxation.  Other than the feeling of relief after waiting so long, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.  The entire process was done and over in about 5 minutes and I felt rejuvenated - like I just shed a 2.5 lb. tumor from my bung.  Yes, literally 2.5 pounds.  I don't know where it came from.  I hadn't ate that much in 3 days. 
As I stood up to flush, I noticed that the entire content of my entrails were left above the water towards the front of the bowl.  This is territory is no-mans land for entails... sort of like being above the tree line when lighting is coming.  Well, maybe not.  But it's not good. 
I tried flushing and all of the toilet paper was whisked away down the drain, but my duty remained.  Stubborn.  Defiant.  Santorum.  Sort of like the Occupiers still hanging out in the middle of the park in February.  I flushed again.  Same result.  Again and again.  Same result over and over.  I finally gave up and came back to my office to finish up for the night.  I will leave, but my duty shall remain to greet all of the morning visitors with newspapers and freshly digested coffees. 
Massive, might duty - will you still be here when I return in the morning?
now anybody who reads TOR religiously will know that bathroom etiquette and bowel movements are topics we cover regularly and take tremendous pride in.   So when I read this I was sick to my stomach NOT because it was disgusting to see another man's poop..  I was sick to my stomach because I couldn't fathom being able to fill up a bowl like this..  The gauntlet has been thrown down my skinny pasty looking friend.. you've been warned because I'm going on a run of Gray's Papayas, White Mana's, Burritoville, dirty gyros, Bump Chili and some of Golden Shower Lou's wingers while only drinking unfiltered beer for a week... then we'll see who the real champ is.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Take on the New York Knick MSG Radio Network

listen to parts of most Knick games on my Walkman while jogging at night.  I've been doing it for years and thought it was due time to take on the entire MSG radio network.    The Knicks have gone througha number of play by play men through the years from the best in the business (Gus Johnson/Mike Breen) to the collection of muppets they have now.  In generally Crispino and Spero Dedes do an adequate job but both lack the big voice (both literally and figuratively) to carry the broadcast.   I'm not demanding a play-by-play guy carry the broadcast mind you, but when they are surrounded by a bunch of total buffoons it becomes nearly unbearable.

The play by play guys can be summed up like this: bored and undersexed:  Dedes sounds bored most of the time which you can't blame him for since he's spent the previous few seasons holding the same gig for the Lakers.  His delivery is uninspired and it's obvious he has no chemistry with his color guys (more on this later).   Mike Crispino at least sounds like he has some passion; albeit with the cracking voice of a 14 year old boy.   I give him credit for trying but the results sound like a Liberty game

But the bigger issue is something else because like anything Dolan touches that isn't even the worst part, whereas the Knicks have a strong history in radio play-by-play guys, their color commentators have always left more than just a little bit to be desired (See Frazier, Clyde)

 The worst part of the radio broadcast are the color guys who collectively sound like they either slept in lead-paint rooms or were held in rubber ones.   Brendan Brown sounds like he's inherited none of Hubie's basketball competence, explaining the nuance of the game is what about the only thing you need your color man to do but I never get the impression that I'm learning anything.    The one thing that annoys the piss out of me is that he constantly mentions things like 'that's the last time out for the third quarter' which means nothing since basketball gives out time-outs for each half.    The only thing somewhat interesting about him is that he's got a total distain for Dedes, the entire time you are listening to the broadcast you expect Brown to jump over the table and stabs Spiro in the neck with his Mont Blanc pen he bought over on the upper west side.

But the worst one is also the longest running member of the radio team..the wise man John Andariese   If there is ever a time when it has become obvious that time has passed him by it's in the case of Johnny Hoops.   He can spent two entire quarters without giving any insight whatsoever and when he finally come around to making a point it's usually as insightful as 'the Knicks have to play better here'.   He seems like a nice man who like your grandfather would be better off if he was admitted into but into Calvary Hospital

Monday, March 26, 2012

Take on jerked beef

As most loyal TOR fans know, there are few things we love more than
beef jerky. Maybe it's the high protein levels, maybe it's the five
year shelf life or maybe it is just the incredible taste but when we
had a chance to buy 5 packs on for about $15, we jumped at
it. We got bags of lemon garlic turkey jerky, citrus basil turkey
jerky, sweet chipotle beef, smoky teriyaki and chili lime beef and
honestly each bag is better than the next with great flavor,
interesting texture and nice spice combinations.
If there is ever a fear of a mushroom cloud over Detroit I just hope
my bunker is loaded with bags of this stuff

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Take on the random Asian couple

I am an embarrassment, for all the crap I give people there are days
when I feel that standing in a room with me for some people must be
worse than water-boarding. This week I ran into an old acquaintance,
he is a Korean dude who I know through a buddy. Although he wasn't
born in the US, he is completely assimilated in every way and if it
weren't for the fact he's got a bit of an accent you wouldn't be able
to tell. Now you just also know that between the korean accent he
also sounds like he grew up in the hood so he sounds like a cross
between Kim Jung Il and the Method Man. With thay said he's a great
dude and has a real good heart and I'm genuinely happy up see him

Well the issue is when I run into him at some big department store
with his wife who I'd never met, I make the gross miscalculation that
because his English isn't great, she must be a fob. The major
problem here is that whenever I meet a foreigner, I immediately
without realizing go into this modified version of English where I
leave out as many words as possible, speak in short and very basic
sentences and worst of all use this faux Asian accent
Of course it took me 10 minutes of small talk to realize that his wife
was not only completely normal, very pretty and most importantly in
this context completely fluent. She was born about two towns over
and may never even have been to Korea. When I finally realized that
she was not here on a tourist visa, I try to recover but I am sure it
was too late

As I walk away as I hear her whisper to him 'oh my gawd, what a jerk'

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Take on the American Girl Store

Forget Ikea, forget Times Square, forget hell. The absolute worst
place on the great green earth is the American Girl Doll store. I
walked into one yesterday needing to return a single item but instead
was confronted by a wall of spoiled prepubescence. Little girls
screaming for dresses, slippers and doll jeans and me pulling the hair
out of my head. I are some snot-nosed kid bringing her doll to get a
haircut..... which costs $20. Mind you I pay $11 for a haircut and
mine grows

Friday, March 23, 2012

take on living together before marriage

we caught an article yesterday citing a new study which contradicts findings long established as fact.  The new study found that cohabiting before marriage actually did not lead to higher divorce rates which is what previous studies had always claimed..  The only thing shocking about this new study to me was that it had to be done in the first place because the studies it countered never made any sense

Ask any sensible couple and it seems ridiculously obvious that really knowing each other is paramount to any long term relationship because if you have already lived together you know each other quirks, sleeping habits, snoring issues and commitments to keeping a tidy home. You probably have also had some joint finances so have a better sense of what you can both find acceptable spending habits.   I always thought the first study was probably skewed because people who might be willing to live together first might be more liberal thinking and would not see the same kind of stigma in divorce as people who are more conservative in their social views.    For example hard-core Catholics don't allow divorce and also don't allow living in sin, so even if they are married and extremely unhappy there really is no way out..  I'd like to see what 'happiness' rates are for those couples
So we are going to file this away with other findings like water being wet, Tebow being a good person and Rick Santorum being a misogynist psycho


Thursday, March 22, 2012

take on the gmail storage limit

Take on the Gmail limit


This seemed like a day that would never happened… kind of like somebody breaking Joe DiMaggio's hit streak but yesterday I hit my allowable limit for my gmail account which meant that over the last five years I've filled up 7gigs of space.  There was this big red message that came up saying that I had to either start deleting a ton of emails or buy more storage or emails from senders would start bouncing..   I cannot tell you what I did to fill up this much space but when I asked around most people told me that they were using 20% of their allowable limit.


I tried to delete a bunch of stuff like "anybody up for an LTT lunch" or "Joe Bryant Breaking News" but it only got me down from 95% full to 94% full which only meant that I'd get the critical storage message again in a couple of days... so I sacked up and paid $5 for a 20 extra gigs of storage which I guess is well worth it as dropping my total messages down by 20% would cost hours.    I can see the kinds of decisions I'd be agonizing over already:  should I keep a photo-shopped picture of my buddy Dusty to make him look 200 pounds lighter in his Happy New Year hat?   should I keep some terrible trade offer Otis made me for Brandon Marshall for posterity?  should I keep some random thoughts my sister-in-law had about drinking while biking?
I guess my $5 decision was that I needed to keep all of this because you just never know

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Take on Timsanity

With the announcement today that Tim Tebow will be donning Jets green next year, the city is abuzz like it hasn't been since……Linsanity..     As a Jet fan, this just smells bad to me, not only is Tebow a flawed QB but bringing him in with an under-fire incumbent QB will lead to disaster.    Sanchez couldn't keep the locker-room together and there was an uproar from the ranks to go after an established backup and there was some talk of them entering into the Peyton Manning sweepstakes.     Tebow will bring two things.. great leadership and a circus but if he's not starting, both of which will undermine the already fragile psyche of Sanchez.    As soon as Sanchez throws three balls over his receiver's heads, the fans will scream for Tebow but unlike other parts of the country, I don't see the natural cult following here in NYC

Tebow is loved because of his religion, his character and his prowess on the college gridiron, the problem is NY is not a city which is nearly as fanatical about college football or Jesus.   I get that Jeremy Lin loves Jesus too but I don't think that Linsanity was really about Jesus as much as it was about that fact that he played really well and the Knicks were winning.   If Tebow can win, NY will love him, if Tebow can't win..I just don't see the city clamoring for him..  Like Jeremy Lin, when he started to become mortal, the news cycle went to something else..  He was featured on every tabloid back-cover for three weeks straight and now he scores 19 with 10 dimes and he gets relagated to the same breath as Iman Shumpert and Landry Fields in the game recaps
Lastly.. the combination of Sexy Rexy and Tim Terrific just doesn't feel like it will work.   As my buddy the Bump said.. Rex's ego is just too big, he'll be pissed off when the reporters are all standing around Tebow's locker instead of at his press-conference.   But then again.. maybe this team needs another distraction..seems those things work out so well for them.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

take on Times Square 3G

Times Square is often called the intersection of the world which they probably never meant to mean that there is a ton of grid-lock.   Now we're not talking about the cars which Bloomberg has basically made obsolete in favor of a huge pedestrian walk-way or even the gridlock caused by the idiots standing in front of Good Morning America, the main gridlock has to do with normal 3g service.   

I made the mistake of walking through this hell-hole this morning and tried to check a basic website and was instantly brought back to my parent's old IBM PC trying to download porn using their terrible AOL connection.     It's 2012 in NYC and there are black-holes everywhere where you cannot possibly use your cell-phone because of the lack of bandwith, there are about 50 different 'free wifi' offers my Iphone picks up but they seem about as legit as that email I got from the dude with the inheritance from Nigeria

Monday, March 19, 2012

take on the Boingo Cancellation policy

There is nothing more frustrating than finding out how incredibly easy it is to set up but when it comes to cancelling it, they make it incredibly difficult.   A few months ago when I was travelling a lot, I signed up for one of those BOINGO accounts which for about $10 gives you unlimited WIFI service..  It costs about $10 a month which when you are sitting in airports for hours on end is a small price to pay to get to on your laptop.  

Well when I got my third bill of the year today, I realized I'd hardly used it and thought that maybe it was time to cancel it.   I scroll over to the boingo website, logon to my account and then spend the next 20 minutes trying to figure out how to cancel this thing.    Of course there is no easy 'cancel subscription' button and the only thing I find is

Accounts and Billing

How do I cancel my Boingo subscription?

Simply visit My Account and select "Cancel Subscription". If this option is unavailable, please call Customer Care, available 24/7, to cancel your Boingo account. You may also request more information by email at


You'll never guess but there is NO cancel subscription option on the homepage so I'm forced to call customer care and after nearly 8 minutes on hold I finally speak to a live person.. another 3 minutes to cancel my account and reject his offers to keep the account open at a discount later and finally I've gotten from underneath there $10 vulcan grip.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Take on bagpipes

We've often ripped on these ethnic, religious or nationalistic
holidays as completely ludicrous. For one day everybody is Irish,
Mexican or Puerto Rican and then the rest of us are forced to clean up
the parade mess. But past the fact that the bars are crowded, kids
are peeing on the sidewalk and some idiot decided it was cool to
scream obscenities out of his window, the thing I hate most about
Patty's day are the bagpipes. There is nothing musical about blowing
continuously into a thing that looks like my sack while making it
sound like you are torturing a bag full of cats.
I'm sure when done really well it can be sort of nice sounding but
every amateur fireman thinks that because he's got an O in his name
that he can play these things
I walked down the street today and honestly felt like if these weren't
50 year old white men but instead a bunch of city kids, they would
have been charged with disturbing the peace

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Take on The New IPad effect

When I heard the new IPad was coming out, my first thought was anger
because I had just clunked down $800 for the all-thrills IPad2 but it
took until this week for it to finally set in how much this new IPad
was going to affect me. I'm not annoyed anymore because of the retina
display or the better camera, why I am annoyed now is that everyone of
my apps on my IPhone ad IPad have released upgrades. Generally I
don't mind upgrades when they improve the app but on this case the
only thing was drain the memory. I went from having 5.9gigs available
on my IPhone to having 5.1giga available without getting any advantage
because all these apps are designed once and all hardware whether or
not they are fully utilizing them have to take the same memory
draining version

Friday, March 16, 2012

taking on the glass bathroom sink

I'm not a person who gets any pleasure out of DYI projects, I have a house full of empty walls because I can't even get around to jamming a nail into a wall to hang up a few frames..  it's not that I don't like having things's that I hate having things 'sort of nice'    A buddy showed me some pictures of a place he's thinking about buying and preempted it with 'it needs a lot of work'.  the pictures looked nicer than he warned me about although obviously even the worst realtor will find a way to show the best features of any house or apartment.  
I scrolled through about 15 pictures and the only one that really caught my eye as completely atrocious was the bathroom.. The floor looks like it's got mold growing on top of the mold, the shower 'tub' looks like it's make out of PVC and for some reason they decided that they need a paper-towel rack above the sink...   it also looked like they tried to go with some kind of art-deco toilet stainless steel toilet seat cover and the bathroom features a home-made vanity table out of plastic tubs.  
but what really got me is that somebody decided that the way to spruce up this disaster is by adding one of those idiotic glass sinks..   Maybe this was a safety issue so you can see the creatures crawling underneath the sink at all times but it's an example of somebody throwing $300 at a problem and hoping that it will blind a buyer from the fact the floor is crooked, the pain is pealing and there is a homeless guy pissing in the shower.. 
here is my advice to guys selling houses.. save the $300 and knock it off the price of the house because unless I'm walking in wearing RayBan's it's not going to work

Thursday, March 15, 2012

taking on the Kardashian photo-shop

Reading the tabloids today, I saw an article about the newest part of the Kardashian Empire, their Kardashian Lingerie Kollection .  The three main sisters (I think there are other ones but I guess they aren't allowed outside) are selling lingerie and just released their first ad showing the three sisters in some seductive poses in bras and panties.

Now the entire world is up-in-arms because the photo is obviously photo-shopped and the interwebs are a buzz saying that there is no way that Kim's waist can possibly be that tiny although nobody is denying that he chest is that big.  Other people had comments about Kourtney's figure but if there is any photoshopping that happened in that thing it was on Khloe's face because the chick in this ad looks NOTHING like her dad OJ. 

But I don't really get why people are up-in-arms about this stuff..It's not like these are real people.. nobody who is bitching about Kim's ass being photoshop will ever have a chance to shop her ass themselves.  I like hot chicks and if I'm going to see them in a magazine, why do I need to see the warts.. show me hot, show me big and show me lots of it.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Take on that new union radio ad

Anybody who listens to NY radio has heard this new ad by the
Correctional Officers Benevolent Association (COBA ) where some dude
speaks over an Eminem track denouncing Cuomo's plan for restructuring
their pension plans (link to ad at

"The city and the state legislators in Albany want to eliminate our
pensions - pensions that we have negotiated, worked for and deserved.
They're trying to force us to accept a 401(k) plan that failed on Wall
Street not more than 2 years ago."

I believe the words and voice are that of Norman Seabrook who is the
COBA president and although it is meant to show solidarity within the
ranks for action they see as unjust, to my ears it just comes across
as defiant for the sake of it, he never makes a coherent point but
mostly our gripe is with the fact he sounds like he's imitating Ray
Lewis. Problem is that this kind of works on a football field but
when you are trying to psyche up a bunch of average Joe's who have
their own problems to support your crappy cause through a public ad,
it makes your entire organization come across as rinky dink.

This dude isn't even passionate about it which is probably why he
needs the Eminem to give it some oomph. If you listen to what he's
saying it's like an elevator repair man or plumber trying to get
excited for Mitt Romney. He's completely robotic and it's obvious he
is just reading a script, one that sounds like it was written by a
high school sophomore mind you.
If I'm a member of COBA and this is how I am presented to the average
schmo driving to some crappy job who just wants to listen to Boomer
and Cartoon, I'd be furious.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Take on time change

I don't get Daylight Saving Time, I know this was designed a hundred years ago to help out farmers but if there is one industry where it should it matter it would have been a family run business a hundred years ago.   It's all psychological anyway, if you want more day just get up early and stop forcing us all to live with interrupted sleep schedules

Actually it's not daylight saving which I have an issue with, it's standard time.   Last week it got light at 6am and dark at 6pm which seems pretty good as it was light the same amount of hours before and after 12noon.  Now yesterday it got light at 7 and wil get dark at 7pm, what exactly does that do for me??
We are about to get into spring and eventually into summer so we will have plenty of light at night, why do we have to add an extra hour to that??

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, March 12, 2012

Take on the hotlinks

When you have a mobile application, I really see no point in all those
hot-links throughout the article. First of all, I do not think that
I have ever consciously clicked on on of them as there really is never
a time when I think 'I need to know more about sailboats' while I am
reading an article about a new port in South Carolina
But mostly I detest these links because I inevitably will hit them
when I'm scrolling through an article and all of a sudden my browser
pops up. I lose my spot in the article and my train of thought, so
these addition which I think are designed to make me better informed
instead pull me away from the article

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Take on the photostream

One of the beauties of having a couple of Apple products is the
syncing, I download an app on my iphone and it magically appears on my
iPad. Calendars and email options are even better a they can be
synced over all computers (not just iOS ones) and the photostream
seemed to be the next great thing in that string of having everything
in one spot. That was until iOS5 came out and everybody realized
that you could 't delete pictures off photostream. If you took a
fuzzy picture it got stored in the Cloud and although not terrible it
is frustrating that in today's world you are stuck with some shitty
out of focus picture for eternity
But that is not the worst of it, say a buddy sent you a picture of
Crazy Amy, well normally you'd download it and then either hide it in
some obscure folder or otherwise delete it. Well with photostream
every picture stayed in the stream unless you deleted the entire thing
I have to imagine the amount of bitching was endless and I'm happy to
find out that iOS5.1 finally fixed this. There are marriages at stake

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Take on the big headphone

I see people on the subway or walking the streets wearing these ridiculously big headphones.  It's as if they either believe that they are Swiss Beatz or otherwise are trying to listen to secret messages from aliens or right wing conspiracy theorists 
First of all wearing these things is actually pretty dangerous because you can't hear the crazy homeless person sneaking up on you before they shove you into an on-coming train
Plus these things cannot be comfortable to have to lug around and honestly is Cold Play or Kelly Clarkson any better with these stupid things on?? Wear the same stupid white iPhone headphones the rest of these do

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, March 9, 2012

take on the group text MMS

I am one who sends a lot of pictures to large groups of people so this may seem like a ridiculous bitch but is there anything more badly designed than the group-text option on the IPhone.     There are tons of times when somebody sends me a picture of their kid, some funny picture or some mutt and before I even have a chance to open it, I have already received 10 responses from various people most of whom I don't know.

A few weeks ago somebody who will remain nameless sends out a picture of some snot-nosed kid and I get a bunch of responses like 'so cute'..  this is fine but these were obviously not meant for me.. actually it's not fine.. I don't want to hear some second aunt commenting on some coworkers snot-nosed kid

But the real issue is that you just know that people are getting into trouble with this, unless you have IOS5, you don't realize that this is a mass text and your response will go to the entire list.   I can see it now.. some dude sends a picture of a bunch of hot chicks to 10 guys and one of them comments saying the one to the right is a dog.. what he doesn't realize is that another dude on the list might have tagged that chick or worse yet is related to her.. now this dude who is just trying to be funny gets his ass kicked because his idiot buddy added him to some blind list.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Take on the triple double

IceCube made it so every white kid felt like he could screw around and
get one while looking at the Goodyear blimp, Jason Kidd and Rondo seem
like they could do it any night of the week, the Big O averaged one
for an entire NBA season and even my buddy Big nose O has scored a
plethera of triple-doubles in his day if you count a finger in his
five hole that is
But what has always bothered us about this stat in basketball is that
We'e felt the points are too easy to come by. 10 points, 10 dimes
and 10 boards gets you to this coveted achievement but I think
everybody would agree that the points are much easier to get to
because it only involves making 4 or 5 field goals
To truly make this a meaningful stat, we recommend 10 field goals as
the minimum or at least 10 shots (including foul shots). You can
call it the TORiple Double

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Take on the diner

No this isn't about some Paul Reiser flick but rather about the
greatest single concept in culinary history. Although NYC has the
best restaurants in the world with the most variety there is one place
they can never compete Coming from the suburbs, I have long
appreciated the griddle pancakes, bottomless coffee and gyros and
having lived in the city for the last decade, the beauty of the diner
just seems lost upon city-folk.
It's not that there aren't any city diners, it's just that they have a
different feel to them. The food might be similar but between the
health-inspectors and the undocumented workers, there is just
something that is lost. A real diner is manned by an old Greek guy
with a flock of middle aged waitresses, a real diner serves eggs 24
hours per day, a real diner has an old awning, a long counter and a
fridge full of cakes. A real diner has a certain smell, a certain
level of filth and a certain charm, something the city ones often lack

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

take on gregg williams

With all the talk about bounty-hunting in the NFL, I thought it was time for TOR to offer our take.   Obviously the NFL is a violent game and I don't think anybody with any sensibility was truly surprised this takes place in locker-rooms although we were all a bit surprised to see it done in such a systematic way.    Maybe it's still better than soccer where guys fake injuries as often as chicks fake orgasms but playing a game where your goal is to knock out your opponent before they can throw a touchdown against you is barbaric.   
Now I don't see any place in the NFL for players deliberately causing injuries although I doubt this is a novel thought but really what I detest more than a guy like Gregg Williams' bravado in the face of normal humanity, what really bothers me about Gregg Williams is that he walks around with man-boobs.    Come on man!!!!  There is no place for tits on a dude.. you work for a professional football team, you have world-class trainers, you have a hundred treadmills, you have nutritionists, you have a requirement to wear fitted shirts..get off your lazy ass and burn off those mammaries.

Monday, March 5, 2012

take on the slow expedia

book a lot of flights online and my defacto website has always been Expedia..  the problem with using a third person vendor when you book stuff online is that when shit hits the fan and you need to change your flight last minute, everybody passes the buck.     I've had a thousand situations where Delta or United told me to go back to the ticketing agent (Expedia) to change something, Expedia than tells me to go back to the airline and before I know it, I'm stuck in a virtual limbo just begging for somebody to revive the party line.    What I've started to do is use expedia not for booking things but instead to compare prices along website….well I think that BigBrother has been watching me because lately everytime I surf over to Expedia it's as if somebody switches my connection back to an old AOL one.    I can't get moving on that site anymore, everything slows the hell down, not exactly what a site basically selling airline tickets wants to be known for

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Take on self inflicted bulimia

I know that bulimia is a major issue for many people but I have to say
it sounds really appealing sometimes. I go for lunch today and for
some reason don't stop at 'a burger please'. Instead I go for the
fat-cat of burgers with onion-rings on the bun and then order fries
anyway. When the waitress asks if I need a side, I go for some
pickle sampler and a coleslaw. If that isn't enough, when my wife
decides she doesn't like her veggie burger I swallow that to plus a
few handfuls of her sweet potato fries.
I walk out of the restaurant an I honestly consider shoving my finger
into my throat and puking on the sidewalk like a drunk college kid. I
know there could be some long term medical issues with bulimia but
there have to be just as many with eating 3000 calories in a single

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Taking on dating

Forget, eharmony,justlunch, goingdutch or jdate because
apparently the newest way to find your perfect match is by calling
some number off a flyer hanging in the subway. The banner screams
'one nite stands only' which couldn't be more to the point but then
says 'females only' and i wonder if that is what they are advertising
or who they are advertising to. It's not fancy and seems earily like
the kind of thing that will end up being the last call a girl will
ever make literally or the last one a guy makes before he makes his
one-call later that night. Then again maybe this is the new trend as
i've been seeing these 'ads' spring up all over the R-Train
Now it's not pretty and unlike it's fancier competitors it doesn't
claim to offer any guarantees of happiness but it does offer something
cheap and direct because really that is what you are looking for when
you are lonely and horny.

I can only imagine the lineup of drunk bay-ridge bound slobs are lined
up to get some free sex

Friday, March 2, 2012

take on the cold-sink

Taking on the hand-wash
After our Tuesday blog, a friend of ours and loyal TOR reader came back with the following comment
Gindian:  Temperature of water doesn't make a difference in hygiene. The soap factor does.
TORyou try washing your hands in freezing cold water and tell me if you are properly scrubbing for 45 seconds.. 
GindianWhat the hell are you touching that you need that much time to scrub your hands???
TOR: my ass…why else would you need to wash your hands, it's not like I'm pissing on my hands

We realize that the temperature of luke-warm water isn't high enough to kill any germs but it will ensure that you can spend enough time actually washing your hands.   Dutch houses are notoriously cold, so when you are sitting on the cold porcelain with your bare-ass, nobody can fault you for trying to warm up a bit.   So when you are then confronted with ice-cold water from the sink, there is no doubt that most dutch-people pass up the opportunity to properly scrub and instead let the water run just long enough to give the illusion that they actually washed properly to any toilet eavesdroppers
If I've said it once, I've said it a 100 times; don't shake hands with a Dutchman.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Take on the seat warmer

There really nothing more annoying than sitting down in a public seat
an it feel like there's a seat heater underneath it. Nothing is as
gross as this happening on a subway which already reeks of decaying
homeless flesh. Cause as soon as my ass hits the seat, I cannot stop
thinking is that what kind of lard has been ripping ass for the last
half hour and now I'm soaking it up in my ultra-thin work pants.