Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The list of the world's biggest scams go something like this.

The muti-vitamin-

Why a perfectly healthy 33 year old needs 550% of the recommended daily intake of magnesium is beyond ridiculous. This is why my piss is fluorescent yellow whenever I pop a Centrum.

The blind blind-date.
There is no way to blow this chick off after the first date goes shitty as it would only invite accusations of unwarranted heartlessness.

The slow-play all you can eat restaurant.

There is nothing that scream communistic fascist like the slow-play all you can eat restaurant which stalls you with cheap rice and beans while you watch the hour tick away on the clock. You go into this prepared to gorge yourself forsaking taste and quality but when they don't allow you the American indulgence of gluttony I demand a recount!!!

Everybody knows that it takes the stomach about 30 minutes to realize its full, thus the stalling will ensure you don't overstuff yourself (good) while making sure you do not take full advantage of the all-you-can-eat portion (bad).

The NewYears Eve all you can drink bars have perfected this by basically throwing a bunch of mentally handicap people behind the bar to take orders. My suggestion, they should be forced to employ a 24 second clock

Monday, March 30, 2009

there is a reason there is no food-car in the subway

I'm as addicted to caffeine as anybody you'd ever met, I drink 5 cups of coffee per day from the high-end coffee shop to the pot that's been sitting at a gas-station for 5 hours and is more oil-gunk than liquid. I don’t care what it tastes like and I don’t add anything in to it to dull the taste.

But I can't stand when some person (inevitably some prissy white chick) gets onto the subway with their large coffee in one of those ridiculous thermos things. This is the kind of pomposity I do not want to deal with; these are the same stick-up-the ass chicks who give you an attitude if you accidently put your hand on their ass and squeeze. They need their private space to put on their makeup and drink their large $4 coffee in their stainless steel thermos.

Give me a break; what exactly are you trying to prove?

that a subway ride won’t cramp your caffeine style?

That by drinking your high-end coffee you can convince yourself that you are not travelling like a sardine in a rat-infested subway line?

That you can afford the $20 thermos?

That the coffee at the office isn’t' good enough for you?

squeeze onto the subway with your head buried in a newspaper like the rest of the free world and stop trying to make the subway your breakfast bar.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I'm sorry Mr. Vegan guy

I go running this morning like I do most weekend days, just under 5 miles up and through Prospect Park at a pretty decent clip. But today was a bit different than usual, first of all the nasty weather made the track pretty slippery and obviously meant having a lot of gunk kicked up onto your legs, shirt and face. I like running in weather like this as it keeps your on your toes and also separates the men from the boys as many people will use any excuse to not brave this weather.

But as I had gotten up about 30 minutes later than I would have ideally and because I had to run a number of errands before the in-laws showed up, I decided to combine it all together. I first run, then stop by Party City to pick up some birthday balloons and other party stuff and walk down the street to pick up a couple of vegan raw-food dishes for one of the party goers.

Problem is that after I run 5 miles, I always feel so famished that I need to replenish by stuffing as much food in my face in as little time as possible. I knew that with all the errands, I wouldn't have time for a real breakfast so decided to stop at the hot-dog vendor on the corner. This guy is set up perfectly, he's offers exactly three items: hot-dogs, beef sausages and pretels, all for about $2.50 and less. I scarf down not one but two beef sausages with ketchup, mustard, relish and slaw and make it on my way down the street to the vegan place.

Well it was a cold day, and I was pretty soaked after my run but make it inside the V-Spot pretty quickly. I go to pay and as I reach into my pocked to pay him when a huge sneeze comes over me.


there I shot chunks of beef sausage all over the vegan guy's shirt and topped it off by handing him a pile of sweat covered bills and then wiping my dirt covered shirt up against his counter.

sorry dude

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Take on HealthCare

I've been thinking a lot about health-care and how it seems to be crippling our country.   I've heard a million answers and reasons (none of them any good or very convincing) why health-care is broke or why it's working right, why it needs just some tweaking or must be totally overhauled, why it must be nationalized or left alone etc.   

I’ll begin this entire thing with the following disclaimer..  Healthcare is one of those things I know very little about, it's the one item that as soon as a columnist takes it on is as soon as I zone out.   I’m not sure why I can’t get into it but it’s just not something I have the stomach for I guess. And I'm sure I’m going to get shot down by the left, right and middle for this blog item.  I’ve been thinking about this for the last few weeks and  it's apparent to me that we need to do something about it and I can't get the thought out of my mind that the way most people get their healthcare (through their employer) is a gigantic mistake for many reasons.

But my biggest issue is that we are misguided if we think that you can ask a company who by design should be based on generating revenue and maintaining margin should carry  the weight of health-care and continue to compete in a global market.

As a philosophical model , Health Care is not a burden employers should have to carry, it is crippling our employers and hurting our employees; health-care for individuals is not the responsibility of the employer in my eyes this goes against the principle of capitalism.  We have to let business be business not an entitlement center.   If you go back to the basics,  principle of business is to produce and sell widgets, generate revenue and maintain margin.   Business should be run to make money, do well for its shareholders, build product they are not in the health-care industry (unless your business happens to be called Blue Cross Blue Shield or Aetna or something).  In the 50's when there was a push to change health-care and take the cost and decision out of the hands of business but it got derailed by big business (GM and  Ford) when they decided that because they were doing so well they wanted to use health-care as part of their compensation package to attract better workers.   Ironically one of the reasons that Detroit is bankrupt (or should be allowed to go bankrupt) today is because of the immense costs of health-care for their present and past employees.   Recruitment of employees should be strictly in the form of cash, stocks, hours, vacation time etc. health-care and insurance should never get confused in this issue.

But past the inherent conflict of a capitalistic business model, this entitlement has become a forced expense since companies cannot properly recruit in these markets without offering health-care, in 2009 health care is a staple of any 'good' job.

There is a second  issue which is arguably more important, it is unfair for an employee to be forced into a plan that the owner's, CEO's or Board's of their companies decide to go with.  The health and well being of people is too important to have it be a line-item in a corporate budget which can be slashed or cut-up in back-rooms or board-rooms. The cost of health-care has forced companies to jump from insurance to insurance with obvious effects on long-term continuity which can obviously lead to inadequate care.  A typical employee in the US is forced to scramble to find new doctors and hospitals within the health-care’s network every few years as their companies make decisions to switch health-care providers.   Just like people will make the argument that congresspeople should not be making these decisions for individuals , the should also not be made by suits with red-ink pens as they try to compete worldwide against other companies who do not have these burdens..

Health-care should not be a business issue or government issue , it should be an individual issue, one decided by people and not something funded (directly) by companies.  I think Health Care is something that should be responsibility mainly of the individual with a safety net of the state but the concept that a business pays for the cost of insuring a nation is ludicrous.

Friday, March 27, 2009

a man and his can

So having been without a bathroom for the about a week as they gut-renovated it has been a bit of a pain in the ass. But I got home yesterday and after writing out a check big enough to make an AIG executive cry got my first chance to use the new equipment.

There is nothing more pleasant than a man sitting on his own throne in the comfort of his own home, doing what a man does best...stink up the joint.

Well the new setup did NOT disappoint, the sleek design, the environmentally conscious low water flush and the wide face was enough to bring tears to my eyes (and hopefully not dribbles to the new floor). honestly if the bathroom was any bigger I would have installed a urinal but being it's a NYC tenment the only way to install a urinal would be if we installed it right in the sink.

But all-in-all I am a happy man, although a buddy of mine suggested we get some good reading material in there as a nice finishing touch.

This is an absolute NO-GO in my mind and you will find no reading materials in the can at the Righetti estate. I don't want anybody hanging out in there for any longer than they have to, and really don't want anybody touching any of my fine-reading materials while they have their ass planted on my porcelain.

I'm putting a rule down now. There is no time when a man should pick up another man's reading material if said man's ass is planted on the second man's bowl.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

the New York syncronized dance

What amazes me about New York City is considering how busy it is and how busy the people are that most of the time people on the street move like a well oiled machine in perfect motion with nobody ever bumping into anybody else. For a city which gets this rap of rudeness, i personally think the fact that people do anything in their power to not touch other people is pretty remarkable. People dart across streets, over sidewalks, up and down subway stairs and there is almost never a collission as it almost appears to be a syncronized dance.  The sidewalk is the most impressive sight, especially at about 8:30AM when people are fresh and aware, it's the antithesis of bumper-cars.   What thisalways reminds me of is that VISA commercial where all those people are moving in perfect syncronization until the one guy wants to pay with cash and before you know it two chicks are spilling coffee on each-other, some dog gets its tail stepped on and some dude bumps into another guys ass with his crotch and both have one of those weird looks on their faces.

Well this is what happens in NYC all the time when some hot chicks walks down in a mini-skirts and hell breaks loose. Before you know it Bike Messengers are running into pot-holes, chicks are getting their heels stuck in the sidewalk and dudes are walking face-first into telephone lamps.

The only thing worse than this is when some camera toting tourist decides to venture onto the busy sidewalk and then the entire machine breaks.  It's not that I hate tourist or tourism but I hate when people get in front of me and slow me down, I feel like we need a handicap lane for people with a Missouri, Hawaii or Oregon driver's license.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I'm on a Subway to Hell

So let me get this straight. The NYC MTA is going to raise our fares and also cut our service, man what a deal!!!

I get that we are in an economic Tsunami and I know we all will have to share the burden but somehow the NYC mass transit which is probably the most used. Public transit system in the world (I have nothing to back up that claim by the way) offers none of the perks, lavishes or reliability of other methods of mass transit.

Why in hell Sheldon 'the criminal' Silver and his Albany buddies have refused to properly fund the MTA is beyond me. I thought Bloomberg’s congestion pricing was a great idea until a couple of well connected dudes in Queens and Staten Island put some pressure on Albany and that fell through the cracks including billions of dollars in Federal funding.

Well, I filled out one of those Subway Report Cards last month and they asked me to rank my top 5 or 10 complaints from a list which included


Dirty platforms

Dirty subways

Hard to hear announcement on platform

Hard to hear announcement in subway

Delays /Trains no being on time

Track work delays and rerouting

Weekend and Nighttime Schedule interruptions


Etc etc

I have never looked at a list and felt that the option 'all of the above' was the only proper one

Now if that list had included undesirables, fat chicks who get on the subway without letting others off first and people whose fat asses take up 2 seats and you would have had a clean sweep.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Get a name and stick with it.

I hate when people rename well known things or places for no good reason. I hate how they cloak it in patriotism or national pride when it has nothing to do with it especially if the ‘honor’ they are trying to give a dead guy actually just winds up becoming a name that people will curse.

Why rename the triborough RFK Bridge? Is there any honor in having a crossway with $5 tolls and crawling traffic named after you? Plus it cost $4 million dollars to replace all the signs

Adding 'Liberty' to a place as miserable as Newark Airport does nothing to spread the love of Democracy. There isn’t a more miserable place on earth than Newark Airport and the last thing I think about is Liberty as I get strip-searched to make sure that my tube of toothpaste isn’t over 10 ounces.

What honor did a great man like Jackie Robinson get by getting some 5 mile stretch of garbage-covered Interboro Highway get? Some kids will associate a great man only with traffic because local TV and Radio reporting from a helicopter will just say things like “the Jackie Robinson is backed up for 4 miles”

The next thing they are going to do is change the name of the Holland tunnel to the Freedom Tunnel when the entire experience feels claustrophobic or they will rename the Big-Dig the Henry Paulson experience.

I did appreciate that California voted on changing a garbage dump to the George W. Bush Garbage Dump or something.

Monday, March 23, 2009

When it rains, it pours

So I read all weekend about how the market's were going to shit a brick after details of Geitners plan were leaked.   I can honestly say that I had no idea what the market was going to do, so this is not a 'I told you so' moment but instead a 'whoa what the hell was that' moment. 
It seems like his message is working as the market is holding steady at about +275 since 9:30AM this morning.
I do have one thing to say which isn't a novel concept by any stretch but it might be time to tune out the 24 hour news-cycle, between Keith Olberman, Sean Hannity, that chick with the shitty haircut after Olberman, Lou Dobbs. I keep hoping for a Hardball meltdown when Chris Matthews goes Falling Down and takes out the entire crew over at CNBC. The amount of airtime that these guys have to cover is incredible and it can't be surprising that they are nonsensical most of the time.

The last president who got this much air-time was Reagan and that was when he was an actor. I for one wasn't crazy about Obama going on Leno, not because I don't think the forum is correct or that he isn't taking this crisis seriously enough. I am not one of these people who thinks that Obama must work on the economic crisis 24 hours per day and should not even fill out an NCAA bracket but what bothered me is that it just doesn't feel Presidential. In the same way I wasn't a big fan of Bush going on Deal or No Deal or whatever, it just felt a bit weird to me. I guess I would have preferred him to go on Meet the Press or Face the Nation and answer all questions.

by the way here is another example of a self-serving letter to the Metropolitan Diary:

Dear Diary:

This happened on the day I brought my kitten, now an elderly cat, home to my apartment in Chelsea from the A.S.P.C.A. shelter on East 92nd Street.

They gave me a cardboard travel crate to carry her, and I took her on the 6 train downtown. Almost as soon as the train started moving, she began to cry and wail. I was self-conscious then, but when a huge and rather intimidating man — dressed like a biker, with chains and a neck tattoo — sat down across from me and began to stare, I couldn’t wait for the ride to end.

Then he spoke — “My kitty does the same thing” — and gave a sympathetic nod and grin.

Lara Bergen

Thanks Lara for giving us the details how you adopted the cat from the shelter, it wasn't specifically relevant to the story other than to give yourself some glory for your humane kindness.  I for one was hoping the story ended with the cat running onto the platform and fighthing a huge Manhattan subway rat.
I hate people, I really do.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

the V-Neck

Am I the only one who noticed that when you buy a undershirt they always show a white dude on the packaging of a crew-neck or v-neck undershirt but always a black dude on the packaging of a tanktop undershir?.  

Then again, I'm about to start a 15k New York Road Runners race in Central Park, which is about the largest collection of white-people this side of a Hanes crew-neck convention.  And the only thing whiter than a crew-neck convention would be a GOP convention.  Except in the running case all the white-people are in that 25 to 45 age range and all love recycling, Obama and running.  

But back to the undershirt thing, when putting on a work-shirt any man will have to choice his poison, the tank-top, the crew-neck, the v-neck or no undershirt at all.
It is obvious that my options are limited since Hanes had made it abundantly clear that the tank-top is not suited for me or my fair-skinner brothers.  Since we are told not to see color, maybe the only way to tell if the dude is black, white or other is what kind of Hanes undershirts he is sporting.

Now I have some buddies who just will go sans undershirt all together but anybody who knows how sweaty I am will realize that this is not an option for me.  
This leave me with two option one of which is completely unacceptable:the crew-shirt neck underneath the dress shirt.  There isn't a worse look that seeing yourself dressed for an occassion with a nicely pressed button-down and a white ring around your neck, like you are wearing a cotton turtle neck.   If you are going to go the crew-neck route you may as well put on a purple undershirt with a dinosaur on it cause you are going to look like a dipshit either way.

So since I’ve decided that the crew-neck under the dress-shirt is the official look for a white-guy who’s given up, I'm not black enough for the tank-top and since I cannot go sans-shirt like some of my European friends I wear the v-neck.

The V-neck offers a great look, it wears comfortably and picks up like 99% of the sweat, it's almost 100% perfect except  when you have a bear-rug on your chest you can almost get strangled by your own chest hair.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Righetti Just wants to have an icepick jabbed into his...

Somehow I got swindled into the worst 2 hours of my life when my TV got stuck on ABC Family and some terrible movie called 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' came on.     This was basically 2 hours of some of the most un-attractive female actresses of our time dressed in some really bad 80's clothes with a stolen Flashdance storyline which I can only imagine was a straight to BetaMax release.

It was obviously miserable but here is the full review:

The storyline is basically about some high-school chick who looks like she's 45, who gets moved across the country by her strict father and finds herself in the town where her favorite dance show is being taped.
I was only half paying attention but apparently she goes to some kind of Catholic School and befriends the chick who was married to Paul Reiser in that terrible NBC show.   
As if this doesn’t sound terrible enough, she meets some guy who looks like a taller Marky Mark without the huge crank.  Of course neither her father or the nuns at the Catholic School are happy about this situation and when the bad boy punches out some guy at the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance who looked like Biff and the the two new love-birds bust out on his motorcycle.  This is when you would expect to find the chick with the horse face and Dirk Diggler getting wasted and screwing in the parking lot but instead they try out for some terrible dance competition, which makes you wish for a Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze reunion.

What is most impressive about this movie is how they tried to convince the audience that Sarica Jessica Parker and Helen's Hunt could possible by high-school girls, I have no idea how old these two chicks were in 1985 but they already looked like martini drinking cougars.  The Marky Mark dude is in desperate need for a Funky Bunch and the fact that SJP’s dad looks like Mike Dunleavy is very distracting.

Friday, March 20, 2009


So I decided to take a vacation day to take care of some pressing issues including getting some keys made, renewing my license and watching the tournament. Well the DMV experience has not improved much since I was last here about 10 years ago.

The collection of people at the DMV is a sorry cross-section of NYC with a combination of businessmen, illegals, housewives and guys with long arrest records, as they crawl through the serving numbers I cannot avoid feeling like that scene in Beetlejuice.

The numbers pass slowly as I pass the time staring at the way people come dressed. It is like they don't realize that people will actually be seeing them today.. Some chick is rocking leg warmers over jeans to clash with her Sally Jessie glasses another dude is wearing skin tight jeans, a lime green shirt and one of those Hassidic hats.
People have just given up but I guess if you have what better place to be then at the DMV.

Everybody is miserable in here, the customers, the customer service reps, even some guide-dog I just saw walk past looks sad

Then the most important realization of the day dawned on me...
Why would somebody with a guide dog be at the DMV?

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

if you think we live in a scary time now, just look at what we use to have to deal with

The above picture has nothing to do with today’s blog but really it was a pretty good find on the innerwebs by an avid TOR reader Zeke the Creep who said
“Yep, that's a disguised Vlad Putin in his carefree KGB days, ready to pop the Gipper if necessary with what is surely a camera gun of some kind.”
Although sadly my first thought was that this was one of those pictures where the guy's got a boner standing behind some little kid, I have a hard time distinguishing a Megan’s Law guy from a KGB agent apparently.

Another off-again, on-again TOR reader Zingrod Zong commented that he ‘loved Rocky IV’.

But since we have politics on the brain, we decided to talk about another item today. The mess that is AIG becomes another Dog-and-Pony show by our wonderful congressmen. This is all posturing and doesn’t ever accomplish anything like when one of these idiots pulled all the heads of the major banks how many of them worked for companies that owned their own private jets.. This is the dumbest question I’ve ever heard because what does it accomplish? That CitiCorp has a private plane..wow next you are going to tell me that water is wet, John McCain is nuts or Chris Dodd is old.

Now I agree that there is no reason that anybody working at one of these divisions of AIG which brought the economy to our knees with the risks they took in all these complex instruments of risk-built derivatives and asset swaps to insure our entire financial system which turned out to be worthless. I don’t believe anybody there should receive a bonus for work they did or a bonus to retain them, I think they should be pulled away in handcuffs. But as usual Barney Frank and Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell and Matthew McConaughey have to get up on stage and do nothing but gesture,

What still gets me about this entire thing is how loosy-goosy they all are with our money but what I thought was interesting was that as this AIG exploded into the public eye the stock shot through the roof (full disclosure the owners of TOR bought 1250 shares at $0.39/share now $1.80/share about 3 weeks later) … if nothing else it proved that things are back to normal with them throwing out big bonuses and having no regard to regulation.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


There is probably nothing more obnoxious than the stink of a sweaty dude, whether he is standing on a subway, online crowded store or at a Coldplay concert the already miserable experience can be made 10 times worse when you are confronted with the unbathed smell of a man.
Well it is particularly unsettling when the noxious odor originates from yourself.
Earlier today kettle met the absence of light when I lifted my arm to reach for a shelf and almost passed out from the smell of kobe beef.

It is not due to a lack of hygiene or that I don't care but my lame excuse stems from the fact that for the last week I've been a vagabond as our home bathroom is being replaced which so far has gone well except when I realized that I forgot to pack deodorant.

So as I contemplated options at the office which were limited to burning the hair off my pits or dousing my body in bleach but eventually settled on buying a bottle of spray-on Right Guard which only somewhat masks the smell offering my friends and family a combination of turpentine and sweat.
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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Irish Bulls

There is no worse holiday than Patty's Day. As if for no other reason than that every 18 year old idiot is walking on the around Manhattan and pisses on the street.

But what is the most frustrating is that it just comes across as a group of bandwagon jumpers. Every Dutch, Italian, Greek, Hispanic or Polish Jackoff has a Guinness throws on a “blow me I’m Irish shirt” and miraculously turns from David Banner into the Incredible O'Jackoff. It reminds me of when I was in High School and one day everybody was a Chicago Bulls fan and told you it was ‘cause they lived in Chicago when they were 6 months old.

It is incredibly frustrating specifically fora guy who loves Irish Bars and goes to them all the time as I now have to not only share the streets but more importantly my bars with a bunch of total bunch of lushes. I feel like they come into my world, puke all over the sidewalk and cause a ruckus at O’Reily’s, O’Sullivans or O’Grady’s and leave the regulars about 8 people deep trying to get a Miller Lite.

Basically a bunch of new drunks ruin the experience for the normal drunks and I don’t like it.

The good news is that I have my blog written from Cinco de Mayo

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Monday, March 16, 2009

Kobe tastes like my ass

First of all, I should give a disclaimer:
I am not into labels or designers as I find no discernible difference between the high-end boutique and the Gap as that unfortunate experience with the shoe-horn jeans confirmed.
Now some will say this is a lack of sophistication while those with a conscience will realize this is just the marketing you are paying for..

I have found something which might be more pompous than a $4000 bag or $150 mens jeans., the Kobe Burger.

For one ground up sirloin at any level has lost all the tenderness which defines the Kobe beef which makes the 25% price increase that much more ridiculous. But if the price gauge isn't enough to get your panties wet than the fact it actually tastes like it's been rotting in a sewage stream might.

In my ranking the Kobe Burger fall somewhere behind such atrocities as the Bison Burger and the Pizza Burger in terms of taste and in terms of value it is almost as obnoxious as getting a Filet Mignon and ordering it well done.

Kobe beef when cooked properly can be great (if you like that calf which hasn't ever run taste) but if you are going to offer it to me in a processed slab I'd honestly rather eat a veggie burger
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Sunday, March 15, 2009


Don't want to steal Bill Mahr's shtick but I got a couple of New Rules

1). A Karaoke bar DJ has to be able to cut a song short... We live in a bad enough world, we should not be forced to suffer any more than we do already. Or they need the ability to have the audience boo the guy off the stage.

2). Chicks who like chicks should be more accepting. Sweetheart, I am on your side, we do compete but I understand your mission, go under the Sea and enjoy the rich flavor of grouper, groper and mackerel but realize that I am not taking anything away from you.

3) Bars should not be allowed to serve Jack Daniels warm.. Jack is painful enough when it's dulled by ice but to serve it boiling hot is worse than water boarding
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Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Bus

The bus in NYC gives you an interesting cross-section of the population. You get 'em all.. Poor, Rich, young, old, black, white, Hispanic and Asian. But mostly you find a depressed and depressing people

The bus crawls through the streets which makes you realize that nobody taking it has any urgency to their journey. Taking it today from Park Slope to Bay Ridge it dawned on me how incredibly lazy people are. I counted 5 people who took the bus for four blocks or less. Four blocks is roughly 0.2 miles and these folks who seemed able bodied although they are also mostly full figured. The exact type of people who probably could really benefit from the exercise. The wonder of the bus plays to people's laziness: is too easy and convenient.

But the laziness is only part of my complaint, there is also the fat asses of these people who take two god-dang seats. You paid for one seat, get your extra large ass off of mine!!!

4 blocks on a bus with an ass like a garbage truck, you got to be kidding me.

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Friday, March 13, 2009

I wear my sunglasses during the day

It took me 33 years but I finally relented. I have taken tremendous pride in a few things most notably that I do not accessorize. But today I broke down and got suckered into a pair of wrap-around sunglasses cause some chick scared me half to death when she told me I was a prime example of the kind of schmuck who hangs on the white beach for 15 minutes an picks up an immediate cataract along with my lobster burn.

I usually don't buy into these scare tactics but I have a buddy who once took a dump and in the process pushed so hard he dislodged his retina

Well of course the chick who scared me into buying these things basically bullsh!ted me on safety for 20 minutes and $40 later I'm sporting one of those full wrap around Oakley Knock-Off and I transform from a jerk to a total jerk-off. So I shell out almost $50 for sunglasses that basically look like the kinds that those old-women sport when they get glaucoma. This look tells the world you have exactly zero hope for anything.

Dudes in sunglasses for anything other than true medical reasons is beyond me.
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Thursday, March 12, 2009

I don't believe in reading a magazine while working out.

This one is primarily for the ladies and it is pretty simple:
If you can read Vogue while on the elliptical machine than you are not working hard enough. See working out means that you are busting your ass, sweat dripping off your face and your heart rate raised, in other words it's like banging in that they are both things you could NOT do while simultaneously reading your horoscope.

If knowing your future is what you're interested in, let me help you.
In about 45 seconds your sloppy dude is going to make that weird face, you know the one that looks like he is taking a crap, well when he makes that face than you're fucked cause his little winky is going back in it's shell and sadly the fun is done and within 3 minutes he'll be taking a nap and your left wondering why in hell this is your life and that is your dude.

Same thing when working out except in this case if you can read your horoscope while excersizing it should read "in 4 weeks when you get onto the scale and see that it hasn't changed, you will probably think that working out doesn't work for you and drown yourself in a slice of Death By Chocolate"

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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What is it about airport food

There have been many comedians who have made a career out of the misery of airplane food but what needs to be discussed is the misery they serve at the airport.

The selection always sucks, the prices are the same they charge at Disney World and because it is such a transient clientele, the service sucks

I just had an Angry Whopper served by an angry Burger King employee. The Angry Whopper comes with Angry Onion Rings, Angry Jalapenos and Angry pepperjack cheese, the angry BK chick came with a Queens accent and a bit of a mustache. It was flat, sloppy and cold and the burger wasn't particularly good either

What a terrible live we have.

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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Oggled and Toggled

My buddy asked the question earlier today, 'is Facebook is really just an acceptable method of spying' to which I answered a resounding "yes, hot chicks need to be oggled"

But really you wonder though what brings people to put all sorts of slutty pictures of themselves on Facebook except an inherent need to act on their voyeuristic instincts. You can find so many pictures of hot chicks (and I’m sure tons of hot dudes too) who have posted all sorts of slutty poses all over the place.

Although I believe you have every right to scope through these pictures, I do have a new appreciation for the position hot chicks are in when they get oggled by nasty dudes

I remember about two years ago I decided to hit the NYSC in Chelsea deciding this was a great idea since it was close to the place I was going to have dinner at that night. 
The even starts innocent enough.. I walk in, hit the treadmill for 4 miles, do a couple of weights and maybe 40 sit-ups and get ready to get out of there.

I walk into the locker room to shower and change and realize immediately that all the eyes in the place turn on the fresh meat that just walked in.

I also realize that it is like a fucking sauna in this entire bathroom, I'm sweating buckets. It's like they have left every shower running on extra hot and closed all the doors. The entire place feels like a greenhouse but that doesn't stop dudes are conversing and laughing.   I'm pretty sure I heard a couple of towels snap.

I find a quiet corner, take my sweaty clothes off quickly and walk over to the showers. With every step I take I feel more eyes staring down at me, as if I’m walking through the jungles in Cambodia. I run over and take cover in the shower and thanking the designers of NYSC for not having put in communal showers. I wash up and peer out from behind the curtain for some clearance. When I see a break of light, I bust out but as I hurry back towards my little corner a large buff dude winks at me.

I retreat to my corner, and there I stand broken-hearted, the only thing separating me from jail-house fun is a small white towel which all of a sudden I'm not sure is all that clean. I quickly dress and basically run out of the locker room.

Why you ask would I go to the Chelsea NYSC and not expect to get a little harassed? Because I've done this to tons of women in my life and I deserve no better

Monday, March 9, 2009

Georgie Boy

For the last two or three weeks I've had some pains in my back which have not exactly been debilitating but definitely not exactly comfortable.

I can't really figure out the reason's behind the pains as I haven't doing much differently in my life. My first thought was that it might be caused by this spare tire I'm carrying around and I'd love to blame it on my terrible Red-Rooster haircut but don't think that is the situation.

I have been racking my brain and have finally found the culprit, it's probably not my sneakers, work shoes or weird walk but instead this George Costanza monstrosity I've been planting my ass on every day. I've decided to keep it out of my back pocket for a couple of weeks and already feeling the immediate effects.

In related news, I think I just heard some hard-candy crack

Sunday, March 8, 2009

In this economic climate, I can't really be affording to lose an hour

Some random thoughts I had

The Dutch Team beat the Dominican team in the World Baseball Classic which on paper is like Guam taking over China...  Then you find out that the Dutch team is basically comprised of all players from the Dutch Caribbean territories but I'm still impressed that a bunch of dudes from Aruba can beat a team which represents 20% of the entire major leagues.

Saw Slumdog last night.  I know what you are thinking, 'is he the last man on earth to have not seen it?'
Three comments-
when Jamal shoots the dude he is a dead ringer for Bob from LaBamba.
It was really well cast although it would have be
The movie is great but a bit of a rip of from the whole Rosie Perez angle in White Men Can't Jump
If their Regis is such a d!ckhead does that make their Kelly a dog?

One more comment.   I am always told that I can't wear a black shirt with a brown belt, does that mean that my Indian Friends should shave their heads?

Completely random thought about another movie:  in Dumb and Dumber when the dude whose job it is to intercept them on their way to Denver is about to croak, his character's nuance is a dead ringer for the James Gandolfini role in True Romance.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Saturday, March 7, 2009

The Right Wing Nuts

I know that my boy Rush is in the news recently for his feud with Michael 'the man of' Steele but honestly there needs to be a ranking of the right-wing nuts.

This is my take on Rush, the best thing about him is that he knows he is caricature, i believe that deep down he knows this is all an act for entertainment purposes and he does it better than anybody has ever done it before.  See Rush is a complete walking contradiction (OxyContin, three wives etc.) but I think he realizes it but can still get on his high-horse and preach because he's an actor.   To me it comes down to the king and a bunch of guys who just try imitate him.  It's the Howard Stern concept where basically every morning jock is just a reincarnation of Stern and they just can't do it as well as he can and it's embarrassing to see them even try.

Lets take on some of the major nuts one at a a time

O'Reilly, he has created an empire and although he's really just a transformed local newscaster he honestly he is about as good at doing what he does than anybody else.  He knows why they pay him and he's polished enough to make him a good villain, dumb enough to make himself believe his own press clippings and smart enough to capitalize on it like no other including El Rusho.  Between the Factor T-Shirts and backpacks, no-spin zone hats and O'Reilly books this guy has built an empire on the concept of himself.   I would say that he's 20% truth, 40% shtick and 40% self-promotion.

Hannity.   This is where it gets sticky for me because I think that Hannity is actually more genuine than O'Reilly or Rush, I think he really believes what he says.  Rush is an entertainer and he knows exactly what to say to get under your skin, he's better at it than anybody.  He reminds me of Dennis Rodman in many ways, O'Reilly is more polished and not nearly as smart but he speaks to his audience knowing that they are not any smarter than he is.   But Hannity is different, with him it's not really shtick and not even really self-promotion.  This guy really believes that Obama is a communist, our country is going down like the Titanic and has real conviction when he says we are on the wrong path, quiet frankly I'm scared.

Mark Levin.   The Great One...  When it comes to pure radio guys, he does it better than anybody else does.  He brings so much rage and his delivery is that of visceral anger but his substance is all there.. This guy is the Donald Duck of Right Wing Nut Jobs, he's got so much more passion than anybody else.   The only downfall is that he look like Ben Bernanke  but that isn't the detractor, the funny thing is I thought this dude was like 90 years old.

Laura Ingraham.  Better than Ann Coulter but really pretty unlistenable. I know its sexists to compare them only because they are both right-wing quacks who happened to be chicks but I can't help but compare the two in my head.  It reminds me of when a big bruising white fullback comes out of college, my first instinct is always to hope he becomes the next Mike Alstott.   But when you get to her actual program, I find she has way too many commercials and way too many live reads considering she brings very little in terms of real substance. She's a shill for the Heritage foundation but the worst thing is that she never gets me worked up which is a bad sign when you are on the radio trying to get your audience worked up.

Lou Dobbs.   a complete one trick pony, no charisma what so ever.

Curtis Sliwa.   I have a bit of a fascination, maybe because I feel like I've seen this guy grow up and morph into what he has become.  He's nothing special, has no real good opinions but he brings a bit of NY flavor to the entire species.   It reminds me of when you are watching a sporting event and you find out a guy is from your hometown or your home state and you root for him a bit, regardless of what team he plays for.

We can't end it there without at least mentioning the original Bob Grant.  I hear he still's got it but just doesn't speak to my generation, he speaks to people in my grandmother's generation,

Friday, March 6, 2009

stop playing with your food

Why do some people play with their food?

I'm sitting at lunch today and some slob is sitting at the local lunch place using his hands to build what looks like a snowman using his unfinished food, now i'm not talking about a 6 year old kid but rather a grown adult, basically building the statue of David using a couple of shrimp, asparagus and lettuce.

This got me to thinking why people want to combine food and fun. I have a buddy who once brought a banana cream pie into the bedroom, I knew a guy I went to college with who once told me that he got up and got himself a drink right in the middle of the act and even I had a rubber sheet back in my early 20's for some slip-and-slide fun.

But even knowing that, I don't know about you but there is probably not a more disgusting thought than covering a lucious set of jugs with a slab of ham but apparantly there are people who are into this stuff. To each their own I guess..this is what you learn from watching hours of YouPorn.
I know one thing for sure, if the FBI ever knocks on my door at 6AM, my laptop is going right out the window, god knows what is on that thing.. I've been told to wear protective clothing when I touch that thing, as it's a virtual cesspool (not the Sess Pool which is pretty filthy in its own right)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Why in god's name would you put a jacket on a dog????

This seems about as foreign to me a as wearing ear-muffs or covering your dingy with a piece of latex. I find that there is nothing more pompous than seeing some uppity white chick (this only seems to happened with white chicks) who decides her Poodle, Chihuahua or Beagle is cold and should wear a coat. They act as if their dog is any more special than anybody else’s dog.

This is the same kind of pomposity that gets people to make donations to charities to get their names on a building or those who write send self-serving letters to “The Metropolitan Diary". These are the types of people who are overly active members of a the PTA and probably defend themselves as ‘not racist’ because they like the Cosby Show.

What probably needs to be explained to these people is that dogs like wolves and coyotes have lived in the wild for 1000's of years but somehow the American White person has decided that their dog couldn't possibly survive a 5 minute walk around the block. The way I see it if the damn mutt can’t survive the walk than you have Darwinism in practice.

You people have to get over yourselves, you are not doing anybody any favors and you are either now (or will grow up to be) the same kind of people who are overly involved in your child's elementary schooling.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Keyword analysis

So TOR has an official stat-counter on the bottom of the blog which gives us an idea how many people come to visit us daily but also gives us a lot of other information including what part of the country or the world most of the hits come from. Well we just found another interesting tool, the StatCounter Keyword Analysis tool

These are the most common searched terms on websites like google.com which brought people to TOR.

  • take on righetti

  • julio osequeda jackass

  • xnxx.co

  • review easy burner xnxx togo

  • "elena schwolsky"

  • billy corgan needs to die

  • facebook porndump

  • take on righetti a day in the life

  • youporn and wonderful food

  • nomarriage

  • drew barrymore

  • youporn couple

  • Kristol new york times

  • jefferson friedman icepick

  • danny kannel

  • if you had half the heart movie

  • "Ocean County College"

  • redtube sxs.
  • verizon commercial "buy the cow"

  • package passing woman heard say "I'll never have to work"

  • Bono

  • massage parlor jock itch

  • FreshDirect

  • ron jeremy hot sauce

  • flexible porn gym

  • diamond salesman robbed -starbucks -dog

  • krugman and daschle two in a pod

  • i hate the coldplay

  • +coldplay +heroin

  • how to get rid of the "sent from my verizon wireless blackberry" message at the bottom of my emails

you gotta love the guy who did a search for FreshDirect and got a blog about me bitching about it, but the most important thing is how many searces were for XNXX, RedTube, YouPorn or Tube8. I guess I know my audience

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Day I'm caught wearing either of these, please shoot me.

There is something about the crazy snow storm that makes people act like total idiots; they dress like they're in stuck in the Himalayas, they act like they are caught in a tornado, they drive like they are transporting a giant vase and then they cry like they are stuck in a birthing canal.
Get your act together people, the white stuff isn't the end of the world!!!!
But the way people (and men in particular) dress is really the biggest annoyance.
The two worst look around is a dude wearing those outdoorsy male-clogs or a guy wearing those idiotic ear muffs.

First things first, any dude wearing clogs should be either dancing on a bar in Chelsea or otherwise shot. The worst thing is that his isn't just a winter look because people will also wear these things when they are doing such manly things as getting wood from the local wood-shop or raking the yard in the fall time.  What these things are is a uniform for any guy who has basically decided that his life is over, it is the surest sign that the dude has given up and is just waiting for the end to come.

Almost worse are those ear-warmer things! You really gotta be kidding me with these things as I cannot imagine that it would ever get cold enough in New York City that you would really need these idiotic things. If you are cold put on a hat or a hood or something don't fold your hand to hetrosexuality. I'd rather have somebody cut off my ears with a rusty knife than be caught dead wearing these fucking things

Monday, March 2, 2009

Got a couple of very stupid questions

Question about the budget and the Bush Tax Cuts
Obama's budget obviously includes letting the Bush tax cuts expire which they figure will help cut the budget deficit. The funny thing is that obviously in this market you will have a lot less people making over $250,000, so the fact that their taxes would have risen from 35 to 39% means nothing as they won't hit that threshold. Plus basically any person who will still make more than $250,000 will make a lot less than they did in previous years, something tells me we are going to come up a few steroid shots short of $100 billion.

this is like making a bet with somebody for every homerun that the top five HR sluggers would hit in 2009 but you inadervently use the 1999 numbers as your baseline.

Question about AIG.

let me get this right, this company is built on the concept of insuring the banks but the second they are called to do what they are built to do, they completely fail. So what exactly was AIG insuring? This is like getting into a car accident and you call Geico and they basically tell you that they never expected you to crash and that they have no money to pay for a new car.. I hope that at least that funny gecko calls you to tell you that he's sorry

Question about investing
at what point did it sound like a good idea for me to buy a bunch of that CITI stock?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

How do you talk to an angel?

There are many things I don't understand...including where the saying "you made your bed, now you have to sleep in it" comes from since it makes absolutely no sense to me but nothing is more nonsensical than Shakespeare.  I have nothing against the great writer but I'm apparently just not smart enough to understand any of it.    I sat in a 2 hour rendition of Love's Labor's Lost fidgeting and sighing the entire way through it, not because the acting wasn't good (it was), the concept not novel (it was) or the setting not intimate (i felt like I was sitting on the stage) but because the entire time I'm wondering when they're going to start speaking English.
   Even the title of the play Love's Labor's Lost means nothing to me other than standard alliteration.   It's like geting a touch dance with boxing gloves on.

I was just amazed the actors could memorize the pig-latin.