Saturday, April 30, 2016

Take on the CSPAN coverage

Watching CSPAN is like watching paint dry but I have never quite seen it as bad as when I turned it on today to try to catch the White House Correspondents Dinner. I am used to seeing them have a lame camera looking into congress as they are waiting for some lame procedural vote but somehow literally watching a bunch of old white men have dinner is worse. This has been going on for hours already and they never change camera angles, so I have seen this Jennifer Aniston looking broad's ass for twenty minutes straight. The chick in the back is pretty hot though

Friday, April 29, 2016

Take on the odd Daily News ad

Clicking onto the NYDailyNews website today I came across a weird pop up ad. It looked like some ad trying to sell me into a new refinanced mortgage but tried to get me to click on it by showing a gigantic breast. Now I am all for breastess but it's not what it is on my mind when considering a 15 year loan with a variable rate but then again I am not in the mortgage field, so what do I know.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Take on Morning Calm

I've heard of Morning Dew and the Calm Before the Storm but when I was ready to board a 14 hour flight today, I heard something I had never heard before. Apparently Korean Airlines has a five tiered boarding process. First the elderly which means a bunch of women wearing colored jump suits, Nike's and perms. Then children and pets, which means that every Korean Paris Hilton gets on board next, then they go Sky Elite so those losers willingly spending 100,000 miles per year in a fish-can get to board but then they shocked me when they announced the next tier was "Morning Calm" which made no sense at all. I guess this is for people who are not expected to give the flight crew any troubles until morning which is like getting a gold star for good behavior and finally they allowed the cattle to board like a herd getting ready to get slaughtered for Kalbi Thanks Korean Air

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Take on the CNN cafe

I'm always shocked when I am in a foreign country and they have a cafe or restaurant named after some random corporate entity that would not seem normal in the states. I would not be particularly interested in having a ham sandwich at the Tampex Bar and Grill, I am not exactly dying to get a hot dog from the Viagra's Dogs and Doooogs truck and I can't tell you how uninteresting getting an Americano served by a guy who looks like Wolf Blitzer at the CNN cafe. I will probably choke on a pubic hair from his nasty beard and then see symbols of the MH370 flight floating around the top in the milk foam

Somehow these corporate cafes and restaurants are big business in Asia, I just don't get the appeal

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Take on the chocolate bagel

Forget the dog meat, forget the fish heads, forget rotten cabbage, the most disgusting thing I have seen in Korea are these bagels loaded up with chocolate cream cheese. They are piled so high, you couldn't possibly squeeze your mouth around them.
You wonder why the average Korean man dude looks like Grimace is because they are having two of these for breakfast??

Monday, April 25, 2016

Take on the North Korean aggression

Nothing makes you feel more like a fish in a barrel or maybe a fish-head between two bamboo sticks than sitting in Seoul while Kim Jong Un decides to send a rocket in your direction from a submarine. I know that officially the South Korean's think it isn't a huge deal because the rocket only went 30 kilometers but when you can basically see Kim Jong Un's gigantic head and shitty haircut from your hotel room balcony in Seoul, 30 kilometers doesn't seem like a small deal, either.

Let's just hope they aren't monitoring US blogs about ladies shoes and ugly feet and think that the Big Head with a Bad Haircut comments about their fat leader are some kind provocation

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Take on the intestines combo

I am a fairly adventurous eater aside from my anti pork and anti bull balls stances but I can't tell you what would be less appetizing than a combo of four types of intestines plus a piece of tongue. I am sitting at some random Gangnam Korean BBQ place and found this on the menu, right in the heart of their "chef's selection" combination. You get some tripe, some kidney and some bunghole and wash it all down with a seltzer water
I'd rather eat bull balls I think.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Take on the non-offer for Asian food

As a veteran of 15 trips to Asian I have come to expect a few things. The shower head will likely come up to my naval, every guy has the same crappy haircut and every woman gets a crappy perm as soon as she hits 45. But all of that pails in comparison to the most annoying thing about traveling to Korea, whenever I am somewhere people assume that I won't eat the local fare. Today, I wake up half way through a 14 hour flight and feel famished, I ask the flight attendant for some food and she said that they only have spicy noodles left so she will bring me a cookie. I tell her that the spicy noodles are fine and she responds that the cookie is very delicious. I tell her thank you for the suggestion but to please bring the noodles. She finally agrees to do until she shows up a few minutes later to say she doesn't have any sides and she only has the noodles which I assure her is fine.
When she finally delivers it, she hands me a fork and spoon. How many people eat Asian noodles with a fork?? I ask for chopsticks and she looks at me like I have three heads

This week is going to be great.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Take on the car wash

Let me give you a piece of advise..whenever you go to a car wash and you are waiting in line for them to vacuum and clean the inside of a car, do NOT choose the line with a minivan in it..believe me. If there are three lines and one has four cars in it, the other has five cars in it and the last has only an Odyssey, go home because it is going to be loooong day.

This is the official list of preference of people to sit behind at a car wash from most desirable to least

- convertible sportscar. The middle aged balding dude is just cruising around on the weekends, he isn't eating it in and probably keeps it cleaner than my toothbrush
- sedan. Some grandmother is driving this thing, she might have a few depends thrown in the back but it should be relatively clean
- Jeep. Yeah it might have some crap but it's probably bags of McDonalds and soda cans which clean up quickly.
- luxury SUV. It could be a mess but they probably bring it in often enough not to worry about it too much
- Prius nobody who cares that much about the environment and that little about their own appearance would litter in their own golf cart
- pickup truck. Might be a spittoon of a few cans of Bud Lite but there just isn't that much space.
- dump truck
- garbage truck
- ambulance
- minivan

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Take on Trump's path to 1237

I have seen hundreds of models and all of them basically have Trump ending somewhere around 1200 delegates, slightly less than the needed 1237 which will likely mean a contested convention. The problem is that if Trump gets that close, keeping it from him will seem like something made for TV and I have to imagine we'll see some convention floor fights and I'm hoping for ones that involve people literally throwing down.
The sad thing for Trump and his knuckle dragging supporters is that Lyin' Ted's been much better at getting the right guys on his side and his operation has such an advantage when it comes to actually knowing the rules even if nobody likes him even a little bit.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Take on subway vinyl

At some point people decided it was cool to decorate their bathrooms by using subway tiles which are just rectangular bricks in a staggered layout. There is nothing particularly cool about it but it does sound sort of urban chic because nothing screams authentic like a Pottery Barn 1/2 bath. For years people have made jewelry out of old subway tokens and I can't count the amount of artistic renderings I have seen of the subway map.
Well this is a suggestion for the hipsters, if you are looking for the next about subway vinyl. Your friends and neighbors would be so impressed when they walk into your no window kitchen with the particle board cabinets and the stainless steel looking dishwasher and look down and see that brown and paint splattered flooring. To make it even more authentic add some homeless urine, Chinatown toe-nails and flasher ejaculate. You'll be the envy of all of Billyburg

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Take on the neighbors recycling bin

I don't like to dig around my neighbors garbage, oh well maybe I do, but when I walked by today I saw an entire garbage can filled with Heineken bottles. There is nothing wrong with having a cold one after a long day but if you have the money to afford a garbage can full of beer, why the hell would you make it Heineken? At least it covers up the smell of the skunk going around the neighborhood.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Take on Chick-Fil-A

Last week a Chick-fil-a in midtown and you would have thought J-Lo was handing out free chicken. The line went from the corner of 46th and 6th, went down 46th street, circled to 45th and ended up somewhere in Battery Park.

I have had a Chick-Fil-A accidentally and I have to admit it is delicious, the problem is, of course, their anti-gay stance but somehow the liberal Mecca in New York doesn't seem to care.

So I ask, are we a city who cares about equality or are we a city who loves delicious chicken because you can't be both..

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Take on a weird combination

I walked into my local grocery I noticed that Chobani was trying a bunch of new flavor including some kind of banana and nuts thing which looked almost entirely terrible, they had a coffee and toffee which sounds mostly horrible and then they sold one that was sriracha and mango which sounded so ridiculously bad that I bought a case

Happy eating

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Take on the ripped belt

If one of my buddies was getting dressed for a formal wedding and broke their belt, I'd never let them hear the end of it but today the hunter became the hunted. And it is easy pickings
My disgusting body some how managed to split my belt like a wine glass at a Jewish wedding right at the spot where the nub goes into the belt hole. So now I'm standing at a reception with a belt I had to tape together, nothing but class coming out of the Old Righetti

Friday, April 15, 2016

Take on the NBA jersey sponsorship

Maybe Bernie Sanders will finally get his way as we are about to become a lot more European than anybody would like. No, we're not going to all of a sudden all go around wearing turtlenecks and luckily we won't fall into a death spiral of socialist policy but we will start getting advertisements directly onto our favorite team jerseys as the NBA announced today

So I guess we'll have Rocawear sponsor the Nets, Cablevision sponsoring the Knicks and Aetna sponsor Derrick Rose's new knee

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Take on the Smart Tweet

I spent the last few days in Florida but have been home for 24 hours but somehow Twitter hasn't caught up. Today I got three different "targeted promoted tweets" for places in Florida, and I wonder why the hell do I need a remodeling onion at the Lowe's in New Port Richey, FL?

There must be a smarter way to do reach an audience which might actually be in Florida. novel ideal right?

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Take on Ted Cruz's Masturgate

Ted Cruz once helped file a 76 page brief trying to outlaws sex toys which is interesting because you would thank that a "small government" conservative who hates "over regulation" and supposedly speaks for "individual rights" would have no problem with allowing people their freedom in the privacy of their own homes. What is better though was his college roommate (and constant Cruz Troll) Craig Mazin calling the Cruzonator out for the fact he beat little Teddy silly back in college. Now we have all been accused on that at some point of our lives, so I don't begrudge him the sled pleasure but find the typical Cruz hypocrisy laughable especially considering that I think we are all pretty sure that Ted probably likes a little anal stimulation.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Take on the $100 sunglasses

Lesson #1- Never go to a place like Florida and forget your sunglasses because if you do you are totally screwed. I walk outside today and I am completely blinded by the sun, my eyes hurt, my head hurts and my hair hurt after being outside for all of ten minutes. I decided to walk into the gift shop at the hotel where my conference is being held and was confronted with nothing but fancy sunglasses. I am usually a guy who goes a year or two on a pair of $29 target sunglasses, so obviously I was floored but with an outside one on one meeting scheduled an hour away, I had to bite the big one.
$105 later I got a pair of Torrent glasses which is more than I have spent on an accessory ever

Shoot me

Monday, April 11, 2016

Take on the TSA Pre✔️

When the TSA announced the pre ✔️thing a few years ago, I thought that business traveling had finally regained some of its status back but like most good things, this has now also lost its luster. The issue is that at 6:45am at LaGuardia, every a-hole in line is a business traveler, so they too have this pre✔️and all of a sudden my line is twice as long as the one for the normal herds.
I just can't win.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Take on GNR in Vegas

Rock & Roll came alive last night after nearly 25 years of walking aimlessly through the dark forest with no direction but finally all things were lined back up again.  Somehow the greatest living rock band made a 15,000 person arena feel intimate, maybe because the fans wanted so badly to have it happened or maybe because they just bring that vibe.  Either way, all was right either the world last night 
There were some surprises and that is what has always made Rock & Roll great but what weren't surprises was what makes Rock & Roll
The surprises included Sebastian Bach coming out for My Michelle and the boys rocking to The Who's Seeker and that doesn't even include the fact that Axl actually made it on stage early. 
They went on right after 11pm, which was amazing considering Alice In Chains didn't finish till about 10:20pm.  Axl was awesome his voice sounding better than it did in his heyday even if he couldn't move.  Duff was great and we loved the fact they give him a couple of punk songs but the difference is Slash, he IS Guns N' Roses. 
Forget Zakk Wylde, or Buckethead or Bumblefoot or DJ Azra or DJ Jazzy Jeff of whoever they've had. Those guys were good  technically but there is no comparison.  Truthfully, comparing them isn't even fair because these are Slash's songs, they were just playing them but he will forever own them.  
Even Richard Fortes the other guitarist they have now is awesome, but Slash is unreal and he is Guns N Roses as much as Axl if not more.   He rips for almost three straight hours, he never stops, he brings it the entire show and it isn't just technically awesome but it's melodic and powerful. 
They played everything starting with It's So Easy and going through the full repertoire including Jungle, Brownstone, You Could Be Mine, Estranged, November Rain, Sweet Child and Coma.  They gave you some new stuff, they gave you some awesome covers and they gave you Slash doing The Godfather theme leading into the Star Spangled Banner as he channeled the greatest guitarist of them all
Nothing rocked more than Rocket Queen.  Nightrain and Brownstone were incredible and an encore with Don't Cry and Paradise City can't be beat although Sebastian Bach headbanging duet of My Michelle was close in that it was his first time sharing a stage with GNR since 1991.  But at the end it was about hearing Appetite played 3/5 of the original lineup.   We didn't miss Steven but we did miss Izzy who was the architect behind a lot of GNR's Magic, but that had always been more apparent in the studio than in concert because there, you just need Axl and you need Slash 
So there we have it, nearly 25 years later, all thing were right again.  Let's just hope they can keep it together till East Rutherford in July. 

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Take on GNFNR

18 hours from right now, I will be standing in tight jeans, boots and my Appetite for Destruction shirt along with 10,000 other middle aged white dudes headbanging to Mr Brownstone, Nightrain and Rock Queen and for a minute it will feel like 1992 all over again

A lot has changed since I last saw the "real" GNR live (I did catch the Axl led GNR a few years ago which was actually awesome). Last time I was a 16 year old kid, 165 pounds soaking wet with hair down to his ass when I caught GNR and Metallica at Giants Stadium with opening act Faith No More. I was easily one of the youngest kids in the audience and I sat so far away that I may as well have been at Brendan Byrne Arena but it was the highlight of my summer and probably my childhood. Faith No More played an hour, Metallica played three hours and then after a two hour break, GNR came on and played 3 hours. It was 95 degrees and I snuck a beer from my seat neighbor and I was in absolute heaven. It was also the first time I saw a pair of real tits when a very drunk chick flashed me, so you can see how this was the biggest highlight of my childhood

But today will likely look a bit different, Axl is 150 pounds heavier (and in a foot cast), Duff looks like a deflated balloon and Dizzy Reed probably looks like a washed up roadie and I'm sure the audience will be filled with the same 23 year old chick who flashed me..except now she'll be 47 with a mortgage, a couple of kids and a CRV although if she did flash me again, I wouldn't complain. I'm sure the rest of tonight's audience will be similar as I've seen the crew in the hotel hanging poolside and eating at PF Changs but still...There is nothing better than this.

Will send over the set list tonight

Friday, April 8, 2016

Take on the Delta in flight TVs

When I walk into a plane I look for three things...
1- where is the nearest exit so that I can shove women and children aside like I am a deranged George Costanza
2- is there any chance I can switch seats with somebody so they can sit next to the 300 pound elephant sitting next to me
3- is there a TV as I can't imagine stating at the back of the seat in front of me for the next 5 hours like some kind of lunatic

Sadly, although many airplanes now have a built in entertainment set, they all basically suck. Yeah, on a few very special planes (i.e. Planes built this century) they are actually pretty great with a lot of choices, good sound quality and a screen which is at least the size of a tablet but most airplanes come equipped with these little dinky LED screens which are so unresponsive you are literally jabbing it ten times to hope to change a channel or turn up the volume which I am sure my front big or appreciates. Then again that dude is one of those 300 pound elephants so I doubt he feels anything and neither do his neighbors as he has places a part of his gut on each of their laps

This is complete torture

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Take on Joey "Kasich" Chestnut

Move over Kobayashi, move over Joey Chestnut, move over Matt Stonie and move over Black Widow because NYC has it's newest contender for the Nathan's Hot Dog competition although he's got about as good a shot at winning that as he does at being president..   John Kasich put down a sandwich over at Mike Deli in the Bronx and looked like he was channeling his inner Matt Stonie. 

He threw down this sandwich and looked like he regurgitated it immediately which I'm sure will ingratiate him with NY Voters because nothing make me want to vote for a guy more than a guy who looks like he is about to puke all over his payless shoes.

thanks John, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of the state.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Take on the Hillary symbol

With Trump's nastiness, Cruz's creepiness, Bernie's looniness and Kasich's voteless-ness, it becomes apparent that Hillary might be the best option left which is why her campaign symbol is perfect. She has that stupid arrow pointing right which might mean that she is actually signaling to the GOP that she won't be nearly as nutty as old uncle Bernie or maybe she is trying to show that she is moving forward but most likely she is just saying that a vote for her is a vote for moving sideways. The entire campaign has been about anchoring herself to Obama and she's just hoping people will vote for the status quo which isn't bad but might not be that good either. Anyway, she is becoming more palatable the longer this goes on which seems to have less to do with her and more to do with the band of muppets in the rest of the field.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Take on the Port Authority Twitter feed

I check the Port Authority's LincolnTunnel Twitter feed on my way into the city most days and like clockwork I get a message of some kind of maddening delay. Sometimes it is a "stalled bus", a few times you will get "an accident" and other times it is "general congestion" but every day it is something. They never come with an apology or an accurate time frame but I guess at least you know there is something. I honestly believe that they would save themselves time and money by only tweeting when there is NOT at least a fifteen minute delay

Anyway, recently the excuse we have gotten is a "delineator replacement" which seems like total crap since They have used that excuse at least three times in a week. You would think that by now they would have fixed that stupid delineator, whatever the hell that is anyway.

But one that they have been

Monday, April 4, 2016

Take on the Ice-Cream to reading score chart

I was having some ice cream when I popped open the latest issue of The Economist and practically dropped the frozen treat onto the page when I saw that there is a direct correlation between eating ice cream and literacy. I have to think this is one of those correlation not causation things and probably says more about wealth inequality as it relates to education but really it is better to think that our fat ice cream eating slobby kids are so much smarter than those brats from Kazakstan or Peru

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Take on the weird fluorescent bulbs

The light in my closet burned out this week, so I got the step stool to go change it which I thought would be a three minute process but instead I've now been without light for seven days. Instead of a normal screw in lightbulb, the previous owner installed some weird double barrel fluorescent type that has not obvious match on Amazon. I look brought their "weird lightbulb" section and still cannot find anything. I did find this thing ( but when it showed up it looked like a cruel joke. The thing was three sizes too small and now I am stuck with some stupid double round bulb that I have no home for at all. I cannot find the one I need and not sure what the hell to do

I might just move

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Take on the Port Authority evacuation

Thanks god this happened on a Saturday because had the Port Authority been evacuated on a weekday, there would have been a lot of pissed stay at home moms and dads. What shocks me is that it was a suspicious package that forced the evacuation, not because that is in itself off but because there are hundreds of suspicious looking packages laying around the floor of the homeless people who make the 3rd floor gates their shelter (and bathroom). I know that the bags aren't suspicious in the counter terrorism definition but they are certainly suspicious in the "that might be a bag of homeless Guy's shit" kind of way.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Take on GNR at Troubadour

Guns N' Roses did what only they could..announce a last minute show in Hollywood and immediately the entire world went nuts. In a venue that probably holds 500 people there are likely 100x as many who would spend good money to be there tonight as Axl, Slash and Duff start it up again as if 20 years have not passed.
TOR will be in Vegas next week on the 2nd night of their official tour but there's something awesome about them playing at some place with smoke in the air, piss on the floor and booze all over the walls....I had serious thoughts of jumping on a flight to LAX tonight