Take on the impartial investigation

When a congressman nobody ever heard of  told some MSNBC show that nobody watches that Devin Nunes "works for" and "answers to" the President it felt a bit odd.  
Not only does this break with the concept I learned in the 5th grade with a divison of powers through the three branches of government but it was odd in that it threw out any appearance of impartiality on a campaign Nunes is supposedly investigating.  Sadly I don't think this guy is much different that the rest of the morons in that chamber.  Maybe if we explained the divison of powers in song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mt5K4ZK0ILY) it could help then remember how it works 

But the bigger story is Nunes, who we all know is a Trump stooge and we'll likely see him tar and feathered for his role when Bannon, Kushner, Manafort, Stone and the rest of them get paraded in front of the media in handcuffs. But the real beauty will be when Big Don walks out in a jump suit which matches his complexion

It's coming, just a matter of time 

Remember the Mayflower Hotel

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Take on Mike Flynn

You don't get immunity to take down guys under you, you get immunity to take down guys above you.

Michael Flynn has had quite a ride, from being hired and then fired by Obama, to leading the "lock her up" chants at the Republican convention to being named head of the NSA, to admitting he misled poor old Mike Pence, to resigning in disgrace and now for looking for immunity to testify. I get that asking for immunity isn't an admission of guilt when you look at it from a letter of the law perspective but it sure as hell was an admission of guilt when Flynn was asked about it in September when asked about Hillary's server.
But this I just getting good. Between the Flynn takedown, Nunes getting fed information directly from the WhiteHouse, new questions about Melania's immigration status, Kushner's ties to Russian banks, reports that Trump never read the ACHA and Manafort being questioned in the Ukraine, we might never get that nice big talk wall

Two words to remember. Mayflower Hotel

Take on Asian carp

So as part of Trump's hacksaw to the EPA is some regulation where they will cut funding for the destruction of something called Asian Carp   Apparently these Asian carp were released in Lake Michigan and completely ruined the ecosystem and now all the other fish are dying.  Personally I see this as another opportunity for Trump to shine, he just has to take the right side of the argument and we know he is willing to take any position as long as it will make him rich 

Another example of outsourcing to the Chinese.  We should tax every Asian carp that makes it into Lake Michigan, Lake Superior, Lake Heron, Lake Erie and that other one, too

 

make the Great Lakes Great Again

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Take on Trump'e golf game

When photos leaked of Donald Trump watching golf at his golf resort over the weekend the mainstream media went nuts. Maybe it was because he claimed to be having meetings, maybe it was because the culprit was not some investigative reporter from the failing NY Times but an 11 year old kid, maybe it was the in-your-face irony of Trump having knocked Obama for all the times he hit the links or maybe it was the fact that in privacy he still wears that stupid red hat but people were up in arms. I don't care abut golf and hope he plays it every..single...day because like a mental patient, you have to keep him entertained otherwise he may take a dump in your laundry basket.
What I'm less happy about is that he does all his golfing, entertaining and dining at Trump courses and resorts, obviously there is a conflict of interest issues where the tax payers are footing the bill for Big Don to wine and dine at his own restaurants and hotels but my bigger issue is that this loser can't even admit it. If you want to watch golf with your rich white guy buddies, go nuts. You want to hit the links with those same rich old white dudes, enjoy. Just admit you are doing exactly what you knocked Obama on and for God sake, take off that hat when you are inside

Take on the grand conspiracy

It is just a matter of time. Devin Nunes seems to have been compromised, Manafort, Stone and Page are forced to testify, Sessions has recluse himself, Kushner is going to speak and through it all Flynn has been mysteriously quiet. If you read between the lines you will see a pattern here and it starts in Moscow and ends at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. If they have turned Flynn, the end is near because if they turn a capo they aren't doing it to after a solider, they are going after The Godfather and there is nobody above Flynn. The reality of some weird Russian collusion thing has been staring us in the face from the day that Trump went soft on them at his first major foreign policy speech at the Mayflower where he practically felated Putin on stage. It was there that Trump had a secret meeting where he sold his soul (and America's security) to the vodka guzzling devil, in exchange for a little help with the election
The payoff was probably only a few million to help lift sanctions after Crimea, a few bank kickbacks and a couple of wink-wink agreements. But they'll never get him on anything because Trump is smart enough to never leave a direct paper trail (doesn't use email, dictates everything else) but this is where it all starts

Either that or Trump is actually the baby Jesus reincarnated.

The Forbes airport list

Forbes came out with their list of the worst airports and the winners, uh, losers are, anybody who ever flies into or out of New York with the worst three airports in the country listed as LaGuardia, JFK and Newark. I don't know what criteria they used but I assume that if didn't matter, any criteria by itself would make these three the bottom dwellers whether it was horrid conditions, terrible delays, crappy terminals, uninspiring food options, bad layouts layouts, awful parking options, long lines, ugly people and bad connections
Luckily for me, I've already flown either into or out of these three airports 10 times this year and will likely fly in or out of them another 30 times before the year is over. I should get a free bag of peanuts or something.

Take on the new Deadspin

First Deadspin had to deal with fallout of the Gawker-Hogan thing which meant its focus went from pure sports related fun to include some political and celebrity gossip, which I was fine with but certainly changed the experience. But now, they have added this gaming thing which will single handily bodyslam this website from my must-read list. It's not that I hate gaming, I do, but reading about it is as painful as it gets. Video games are absolutely dreadful and people who play them should all be leg-dropped till they faint. But if the people who play it aren't lame enough, there is nothing worse than reading about other people playing some virtual reality thing, it's like the section in the back pages of the paper that describe bridge.

Take on The Closer

Trump is the ultimate closer, or so we've been told. He was unflappable like Mariano Rivera with the personality (and suit size) of Goose Gossage but if today shows us anything, the Art of the Deal sounded more like Let's Make a Deal along with all the people dressed in funny costumes. Trump is no Mariano Rivera, you don't put on Enter Sandman when his doors open. You can learn more about a man in the way he takes defeat and how he bounces back from it than the way he handles a win but Trump is the ultimate front runner which means that he's already on to the new sexy thing and will leave this steaming pile of Dog Crap for Paul Ryan to clean up. Luckily for America, Paul Ryan eats shit sandwiches for lunch, so he'll probably compliment Trump on the taste.

Take on the ACHA

After Paul Ryan pushed back the vote on the repeal of Obamacare today, the hope of replacing it with Trumpcare seemed ever less likely. Trump called a bunch of Republicans to the White House today to prove he is the Mariano Rivera of presidents but instead looks a bit more like Armando Benitez and Joe Q Public just got pegged in the back.
The more I think about it, the more I think the GOP wants it to fail, because if it passes it's their problem and for the first time in a decade they won't be able to run against Obamacare in the next election cycle.
That is also the reason I think they called it The American Health Care Act, they probably figure that most idiot Americans won't realize it is any different than the Affordable Care Act, and they can run against that terrible governmental overreach in two years.

Take on the Russian ties

Imagine that in March of 2009 it came out that 

David Axlerod was on the payroll of some crown prince in Saudi Arabia for millions of dollars 

James Jones was working with Jordan but never disclosed it 

Valeria Jarred communicated with the masterminds of a terrorist attack via twitter

Ben Rhodes was mentioned multiple times in a dossier involving a night Obama spent in Bahrain 

Obama's business had multiple deals with the Saudi's and that shady Saudi's were operating out of one of the buildings he owned 

there was an FBI investigation into ties between his campaign and the Saudi government 

he would have been hanged

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Take on the electronic cabin ban

The more you think about this laptop ban, the more it is just a travel ban in disguise. Having just gotten off of a 14 hour flight, I can't imagine having done it without a laptop and my iPhone.   I get that they show a couple of crappy movies on the inflight entertainment but if I have to sit through another version of Love Actually, I'm going to poke my eyes out.  

Now imagine doing that 14 hour flight with my three kids, without a tablet, you can forget what you have heard about Jihad, that thought might be worse   

So so I think that this will effectively stop anybody from ever wanting to visit our country again..

Make America Safe Again  

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Take on the very limited Paul Manafort

Apparently Paul Manafort role in the Trump campaign was vastly overstated by everybody fro the Fake Media, to the campaign itself and definitely by Donald Trump because today Sean Spicer indicated that his role was very limited during the campaign. That's a bit silly being that he was...the campaign manager...but maybe we are parsing words or making word soup or maybe we are eating sour with parsley. I assume that if Sean Spicer is good with Paul Manafort having just had a very limited role in the campaign, he'll also agree that John Candy had a limited role in Planes, Trains and Automobiles or Chris Farley was only a small part in the 90s SNL. Thanks but I'll take my fat guy with my soup.

Take on the checked luggage

I work up this Saturday morning at 4am Tokyo time, which is 3PM New York time on Friday.  I can never sleep well the day before a flight, an affliction which really sucks if you fly 50 legs per year. 

 I went to the gym, packed my bags, had breakfast and by 9am I was off to the airport.   It is now past midnight in New York,  28 hours since I left my hotel after a long connection in Shanghai (don't ask) and in still waiting for my bags to come through.   I never check a bag, mainly because I'd prefer to schlep it through an airport than deal with the endless waiting at the end of a long flight.  But when I was gifted a couple of bottles of Saki, I didn't have much of a choice and did the one thing I promised myself I'd never do again, especially when there is an international connection involved.    We deplaned an hour ago and I have already been standing here for 50 minutes painfully watching the same twenty suitcases go around this conveyer belt but mine is nowhere to be found.  All for a bottle of saki that I didn't want and will sit in my cabinet for years, until one day I take it out and bring it to somebody's house as a housewarming gift at which point it will sit in their cabinet for years. 

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Take on Rex Tillerson's Asian vacation

Sexy Rex Tillerson had to cut short an event with his Korean counterparts because of fatigue..   We feel for Rex, knowing first hand how grueling Asian trips are, between the time changes, the long flight, the rice wines, the crappy food, you get really tired.   Everybody is going to call him Low Energy and weak but we won't pile on, having just spent a similar trip in three Asian cities in a week, sometimes you just need a little break from all the Lost in Translation moments. 

Rex just doesn't seem like the kind of Secretary who is able to take on that much, he doesn't come across as a guy who can take on that much pressure, which is fine if you are a gas station attendant but maybe not ideal if you represent the United States on the world stage.  

Then again maybe he just wasn't in the mood for another Korean barbecue, those things are delicious but when it's the fifth time you're having it in three days, you might need a break and you certainly don't want another one of your suits to smell like you rolled around on the floor of a butcher shop.    It could also be that his Korean counterparts were doing some heavy drinking the night before and Rex needed a night off, we know how hard those can be.  

Listen, Rex is no Hillary Clinton (or John Kerry, or Colin Powell or Madeleine Albright or Condi or whoever)  I think Rex is probably more comfortable at home, playing Risk with his grandkids, and we shouldn't fault him for that.  his job is really not that important to the future of the free world.  

Take on the bathroom signs in Japan

Every bathroom in Japan has a photo of exactly how you need to wash your hands. In the US you might see this in a restaurant for workers or in a kindergarten but in Japan these guidelines are for everybody and you kind of have to appreciate the level of commitment to cleanliness.

 I'm wondering if they did a nationwide study and found that Japanese dudes were not adequately washing after taking a dump or if this was more precautionary but in a country where there is no physical interaction, the paranoia might be overkill. You literally don't touch anybod here, nobody hugs, nobody shakes hands and nobody high fives, the only true interaction is probably in the massage places and your hands are probably the least of your worries there. The rest of it is like a completely virtual existence.

Take on China's AIDS brochure

As you leave China, right befor you go through customs, there is a table with some pamphlets on it, all intended to give vulnerable Chinese people some much needed information before they venture into the great unknown wilderness. There are ones about getting pick pocketed, there are ones about Zika and there is a stack of them about AIDS. Not since I was in the seventh grade, have I seen such scare tactics. They show loneliness, weird looking characters like that fox and wolf from Pinocchio and an Albert Einstein looking doctor telling young Chinese people to not stick their chopsticks into the noodle bowl of some weird duck. I applaud the vigilance, I am happy to see any country take health issues seriously but you'd think they could make the entire thing not look like a Saturday morning cartoon.

take on Rachel Maddow's BIG reveal..

not since Geraldo tried to open up Al Capone's vault has a TV program been this hyped and give us such so little in the actual money-shot.

Rachel Maddow hyped her release of Trump's taxes on Twitter and then almost immediately threw cold water on by announcing it was the 2005 ones.    If that wasn't bad enough even before her show, Trump scooped Maddow by confirming the numbers before her program, so CNN was announcing Maddow's scoop way before she did as she tried to tease her way from commercial break to commercial break in a way that would make Mike and Mike jealous. 

Even when the taxes came out, it was really Geraldo esquie, it showed he paid $38 million on $150 million in income, not exactly the 35%+ that the top-rate requires but more than Romney and a bunch of other rich guys probably paid that year.  I get that this is all just noise at this time and the fact that The White House beat her to the punch really took any of the wind out of the sail of her big reveal.. Then when it comes to the facts, they also sort of failed to impress.  What is impressive, and Trump is probably most impressed by this, was the way she was able to turn this sort of lame story into a ridiculously highly rated bunch of hype..   

so I guess at least she had that going..

my guess is that the one who released these are Trump himself as they actually show that a) he's rich and b) he paid a fair amount of taxes...

Take on the fish head

Yesterday I was served Howard the Duck, today it was Jimmy the Fish. A Chinese meal is never complete without a complete fish and I felt like Tony Soprano looking at Big Pussy. I like fish, but when they serve it with the eyes in, it's a bit much. I know what the fish is but I just don't need to have Nemo staring at me while I'm eating its belly.
Then again the woman who sat next to me chewed on the gills and waged it down with the eyeball. I was just happy she didn't stick her Hong-King foot right in the soy sauce, although that might still have been more sanitary than when she blew a gigantic snot bubble into her napkin.

Take on Peking Duck

Nothing is less appealing than having a full  duck head served on a giant lazy Susan between your bull balls and jelly fish.  The problem is that in China, there is always something that makes you want to puke all over the stained linens.    Peking Duck is just one of the nastiest looking things because it comes served whole and the charred crisp and looks like what you'd imagine what 70 year old Chinese Woman's wawa looks like.     The thing about Peking Duck is it that items fatty and disgusting, it's that it just looks like the turkey Clark served in Christmas Vacation if that bird had been caught swimming in lime green toxic swamp water. 

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Take on the VIP treatment

There is nothing like landing in Shanghai and going through the VIP section of security. VIP apparently means that the carpet is only partially stained, the Chinese people behind you are only slightly pushing you and the lady who runs that magic wand over your body only slightly slaps that stick on your nutsack. I get how important security is but the VIP portion is just laughable. The good news is the lounge feels like you are hanging out in Port Authority with a bunch on homeless people who are picking their teeth, digging between their toes and slurping their soup. Oh yeah, the bathrooms smell like just like the one on the second floor of the Port Authority, it's almost like being home.

Take on Preet

I remember reading about Preet Bharara in the papers as he always in the process of taking down bad guys as well as bad guys who dressed like good guys. Trump, as his right, had asked him to stay on as US Attorney a few weeks ago, probably because he was ready to indict DeBlasio for some pay for play thing but something happened in the last month or so. Maybe Trump just wanted to purge any Obama loyal guys, maybe he had a better guy lined up or maybe it is because Trump Tower fell within his jurisdiction and the sharks were circling. Bharara didn't take the suggestion to resign but instead waited a few hours for Trump to go Apprentice on him and fire him. He may have won some new political clout as scars for standing up to Trump are certainly ones you want to show off or maybe he was just waiting for his pension but either way, Bharara is out and I expect Bo Dietl or Krusty the Clown to be sworn in any second.

Take on Michael Flynn

Michael Flynn has to be one the slimiest humans alive. After spending a good potion of the Donald Trump campaign calling for Hillary to be locked up and accusing her of pay-for-play, he's spent the first two months of the new administration getting pushed out of his job for not disclosing information pertaining to secret meetings he had with the Russians and now has retroactively registered for a $500,000 lobbying job for a foreign agent. The only thing more nuts than having had him in a position of national intelligence was allowing him to try to jimmy his bonehead, conspiracy theory spouting son into the pot, too. Michael Flynn should have his citizenship stripped away, dressed up like that Bear from The Jungle Book and forced to like as a concubine for some three thousand pound gorilla.

But remember, Hillary was the most corrupt candidate ever.

Take on the World's Greatest Healthcare plan

We. Are. Being. Trolled.

The official legislation in front of the Energy and Commerce and Ways and Means committees is official dubbed "The World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017". I'm not sure if the "of 2017" is part of the name or if all bills like this have an "of 2017 ending" but either way, this just shows that Trump hasn't just infiltrated the electorate, his verbiage has infiltrated everything. Who, outside of a fourth grader, speaks this way. Everything is either the most fabulous, the greatest, the most fantastic and everything that's not supported by him is the worst most dreadful piece of dog crap that has ever been seen.
Listen, in fully aware that you can't judge a book by it's cover, but when it's this obviously trolling, you just know the little guy is getting bent over a barrel. The only good thing is that has those stubby little fingers

Take on the darkened Statue of Liberty

Give us your tired, your hungry, your poor, yearning to be free

Or just give us a big wall but make sure we get a few Mexicans to make sure the lawn is well kept.  

Who knows if the Statue of Liberty going dark was fine intentionally but the symbolism of it wasn't lost on anybody.  We are a country who stood for the little man, we stood up against tyranny and we fought for what was right and true.  We worked hard, we played (mostly) by the rules.  We made mistakes, some that are huge scars on our history but we also made progress the type that changed the course of history.  We've had good leaders and bad ones, we've had exceptional ones and deeply flawed ones, we had one who lead us for a decade and a half and ones who died almost immediately but our leader was always one who held the office in the highest regard. 

Our current president met with the head of TMZ yesterday, with a new healthcare plan on the table, new aggression of of North Korea, PhoneTapGate and everything else under the sun and he spent an hour with a website devoted to telling guy if Kim and Kanye are going to break up. 

Maybe the Statue of Liberty should take the next four years off, too 

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Take on the wire tapping

The more I think of it, the more I think that phone calls with Trump surrogates were tapped.  I think that there were/are investigations into Russian hacking and that calls coming from Russia are being screened, it should be abundantly clear that anybody having conversations with foreign actors with bad intentions have chance of being tapped and taped, so the calls were likely screened not because of anybody on Trump's side but people on the other end of the line.  They are tapping the Russians but when they are calling an American they can get caught up in the giant fish net.   My working theory is that when the first findings of this were brought to Trump's attention he either made the assumption that they were brought on by Obama or is using that line of offensive attack as cover.   If it's the former, he lacks an understanding of intelligence gathering as it pertains to the laws of the country.  If it is the latter, it is to try to delegitimize the process and throw up a giant smoke screen since he feels the walls of justice closing in on him. 

Either that or he just made the entire thing up which sadly might be the most likely scenario.  

Good job electing this guy, America.  

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Take on the U.K. High heel dilemma

There is an issue in front of the UK parliament which is so important we have to put our DonaldTrumpWatch on hold for a day. There is legislation pending which would make it illegal to ask women to wear high heels as part of their dress code

The entire thing is a response to a petition by a receptionist who was sent home for wearing flat shoes while working at PWC in 2015, a petition which got 150,000 signatures.

Our position on flats is well documented as it's up there as one of the most egregious fashion faux pas out there, and that is coming from a guy who shoves the NY Post into his Jets jacket. Our position on proper work attire is that, in general, a woman should dress anyway she'd like, as long as it's professional. But this is assuming they are not on the client side, in which case everything changes. That doesn't necessarily have to mean heels but it certainly should mean something different than what Marge in accounting wears. The receptionist at a major financial firm is often the first view that you have when you walk in, he or she is the first impression. If he or she is sitting behind a desk it may not matter but if they are walking around they shouldn't look like a dumpy frog.

So if you complain about the heels, realize that a man can't come to work in shorts, a sleeveless shirt or flip flops. The requirements for proper dress are different depending on the sex, that's an unfortunate fact
A dress requirement isn't just a receptionist thing, if my financial advisor shows up with a Donald Duck tie, I'm asking him to leave.
It's not as if women's shoes are an exception either, If my insurance broker shows up in sneakers, I'm taking my business elsewhere. If the guy handling our 401K shows up in flip-flops he can find another company to try to pitch. Some jobs even make footwear a requirement, a guy working on a construction site has to wear work boots but a guy in an office can't. A baseball player has to wear cleats, a basketball player sneakers but neither is appropriate for me.

I want my lawyer in a suit, my doctor in one of those white jacket things, my UPS driver in those weird brown shorts, the POTUS in slacks even on the weekend, my lifeguard in a thong, a stripper in stilettos. It just means that they are taking their job, and themselves, seriously.

Take on the fasttrack backtrack

I guess we should have know this as students of The Art of the Deal but the more we get to know Trump, the more obvious it is that he constantly moves the goalposts. Yesterday he told us that he had evidence that Obama wire tapped his phones, an accusation which so far hasn't been backed up by anything and every person with any knowledge including Clapper has said it's a bunch of hogwash. This was the smokescreen as Trump has masterfully done before, change the narrative from his campaign's Russian involvement to something outrageous. The problem is when the White House was asked for even an inkling of evidence, they came up with nothing whatsoever. It's pretty clear that he got his. "Evidence" from Mark Levin which is like strong a literary recommendation from Donald Duck. This isn't surprising because, well Trump tends to lie, but when caught he usually retreats just enough to allow for wiggle room. See today he asked for a congressional inquiry as to whether Obama tapped his phones but this seems odd. Yesterday he was given evidence of it but today he is asking congress to investigate. If he has evidence, why do we need an inquiry? Obama should be convicted immediately and we can all start the process of healing.
But this is classic Trump, make an outrageous statement and then back off by saying that "very credible people are saying". This, of course, means nothing but that isn't important to a president who treats the press like dog poo and the constitution like the toilet paper to clean it up.
But hey, at least he told Arnold what a loser he is, Trump wins again

Take on our unhinged president

Our president has gone totally nuts. He spent this Saturday morning throwing some pretty serious allegations at his predecessor without even the slightest grain of evidence. The problem with the tweets accusing Obama of watergate type phone-tapping is that anything that comes out of this is going to be damaging

If Trump is correct and Obama ordered this as some kind of political move, it would be the biggest political scandal and coverup since Watergate

If Trump is wrong it would be one of the great libelous accusations of all time and prove (again) that this man is not mentally equipped to hold the office

If Trump is half right that his phones were tapped, it would have happened from the justice department and only after getting a warrant from a sitting judge who would only have done so with some major probably cause. Which would likely mean that Trump's Russian ties are stronger than we feared

We are so screwed but at least SNL should be good

Take on Trump's education email

Trump took to twitter today to do his normal Trump things. Make fun of Arnold, rip on Nancy Pelosi and make America look like a moron again. He tweeted out a sort of innocuous thing about making our country's education system great again in between a couple of tweets filled with misspellings demanding that Chuck "The Duck" Schumer and Fancy Nancy Pelosi needing to be investigated for their meetings with Russians. The beauty of it was that Trump just doesn't seem to think that any of the Russian ties are a big deal unless it involves the democrats.

Can't believe how quickly I got tired of all the winning

Take on Mike Pence's AOL account

Mike Pence attacked Hillary Clinton repeatedly for using a personal server to conduct government business but it turns out, so did Pence. When Pence was governor of Indiana, he used his personal email address to discuss state business in judging homeland security issues. People will call out the hypocrisy but I don't care, we know that politicians trade in hypocrisy like other people trade in "good morning, Joe, how was the weekend". So I guess Pence is a Christian first, a republican second and a hypocrite third which I'm fine with. Him. being a Snake is nothing surprising but what surprised me even less was finding out that Mike Pence still uses an AOL email address. The. only people still using AOL are my grandmother and her grandmother. You just know this dimwit is still using the stupid dial-up system too. I wonder if his password is MikeLovesJC or something similarly idiotic. It certainly wasn't too complicated being that he got hacked a Nigerian prince last yesr

Take on the sort of SOTU

It wasn't an official State of the Union but it felt like one and for the first time in what seems like forever, our president wasn't a complete embarrassment. The best point of the night was when he showed his stubby little finger in the eye of the retired mutant ninja turtle, Mitch "The Itch" McConnell. Trump looked a bit better, less bloated, less maniacal, more professional, which was made most apparent when he showed up wearing a new tie for the first time in years. Gone was the weird overly long red tie which always made him look like a mentally ill overgrown Elf. Instead he had something that, for a change, didn't look like it was bought off the sale rack st Nordstrom. Even his suit seemed to fit a bit better, glad he may finally have gotten a stylist.
Let's hope we get more of this Trump and less of the twitter crazed, always wronged, forever scorned, not very bright, combative beast that Bannon has unleashed on our great nation.