Take on Weed Man

Poor WeedMan, the latest muppet to grace the Times Square pedestrian walk. Not because he's not making enough in tips or because he is being harassed but because the guy is so stoned that he showed up to work today on the wrong block. I saw him standing in front of the old IRS building all day, right under that sign that tells you how much of the US debt your family is responsible for right now, somehow that is some nice symbolism because I am sure this dude is collecting some kind of government handout.

Take on the weird park in the middle of the NY Times building

I walk past the NY Times building daily and scream "Tom Friedman has a huge head" and usually just get weird stares. What I have noticed though is that here is this lame oasis built into the courtyard of the building which looks like it is part bonsai tree part three year old drawing. I am not sure what the hell it is supposed to be but it doesn't look like people are allowed to hang out on the fake rolling hills or the AstroTurf fields but the dead looking trees does make you imagine you are at the museum of natural history.

Take on the Trump backtrack

Nothing was easier to predict that Donald Trump would renege on his promise to endorse the eventual GOP nominee if it isn't himself and now we are officially on the countdown of him announcing he'll run as a third party candidate if he does not get their nomination. We know two things, the GOP would rather have four more years of Obama than four years of Trump and we know that Trump could never honestly endorse anybody other than himself, so it's not surprising that he's backing off on his promise. Now we just have to hope that America gets to their senses and writes in Donald Duck

Take on the iPhone hack

For months the FBI and Apple have been battling over whether or not Apple has a responsibility to help the government break the encryption code of the San Bernardino terrorist and we've all watched. This was always a high stakes poker game which was never about that one phone but rather the reputation of the world's largest company in terms of security. I am sure Tim Cook would have happily provided the information for this one phone had they been able to be guaranteed secrecy but we all know how well secrets work and you have to know that Timmy does too. So instead this went on publicly and for weeks it looked like Apple had pocket aces with its refusal to allow for the breach. What this became was the greatest commercial Apple could have ever had as if played out over TV sets and newspapers with the tech company gambling it's reputation on unwavering privacy. What they gambled though was that although they would not provide it, nobody else could either and this was their fatal flaw. It doesn't matter how tight their ecosystem and encryption might be, there is always somebody somewhere who will make it his life's mission to break it and apparently they did. Now the once impenetrable fortress has a backdoor and it won't matter if it will get out or not, just confirming that there is one will send a thousand blood thirsty wolves on the trail and before you know it there will be a new trove of leaked celebrities nude pics

God Bless the USA

Take on the chili pepper in the eye

Somebody from work brought in a bag of some new Doritos mixed with chili pepper sauce which is beyond delicious, the problem is that any Doritos chip sticks to your fingers and unless you are paying attention this could be dangerous. Last week as I am sitting at my desk, a call comes in and I get caught up with a long conversation which completely distracts me from the Doritos powder all over my fingers, and not sixty seconds later I rub my eye and immediately feel a burn that I can only imagine is similar to syphilis except instead of your urethra this is your retina.

Take on the Three Day weekend

There is something very special about the Three Day Weekend and t is hard to explain. Somehow a three day weekend is more than 50% better than a normal two day weekend. Maybe it is the rarity of them, maybe it is just the extra day or maybe it is just in my head but that extra day seems to expand the enjoyment exponentially. I am sure that people who work a four day week don't appreciate it anymore because this is what they are wired for but for those of us who slave five days per week get a different level of satisfaction out of that one extra day

Take on The Ted Cruz affair story

Our first impression when we heard that Ted Cruz was being accused of having five affairs by the National Enquirer was "they are probably right on this." I have two reasons to believe this, first the chances that a self righteous politician who drapes himself in family values is hiding an affair is about 98% likely and secondly, this is the kind of story the Enquirer gets right.

Whenever I read a headline in the Enquire about somebody having six weeks to live, I take the over but when I see they are accusing a politician or celebrity in cheating with their wives I give it at worst a 50/50 shot of being true. This is what they do and they it better than anybody.

It's difficult (and highly illegal) to get medical records but it is easy (and only a little illegal) to get info on TedCruz checking into a hotel and coming out 45 minutes later like he is Don Draper....so I tend to believe this one

Take on the new bus terminal

After much wrangling, bitching, fighting and strong arming, we are finally getting a new bus terminal. The problem is that after a $12 billion dollar plan later (and after overruns we're probably looking at $15 billion) it is still going to be a big building in NYC which might look beautiful but will still be connected to the outside world by the Lincoln Tunnel which is far from beautiful and I would know because I spend 50 minutes per day staring at that abyss. This new terminal will mean that I'll still sit on route 3 in bumper to bumper traffic because unless they figure out a way to somehow get 1000 busses into that terminal per hour, we'll never get relief

So thanks..but no thanks. You should have stuck with the plan of having Port Authority set up in the meadowlands with high speed rail running every 3 minutes into midtown Manhattan

Take on Trump's advisors

I guess the fact that Trump has listed some advisors is a good sign because up until last week he wavered between "hiring people who are great" and saying he would use himself as his main advisor, which in his world might actually be the same thing. Well this week he put together some kind of list which officially include Jeff "air drum" Sessions, Keith "don't call me Clark" Kellogg and Carter "Backstreet boy" Page and will likely also include Chris "two Twinkie" Christie, Ben "don't call me Johnny" Carson and Sarah Palin who doesn't even need a stupid nickname to sound...stupid.
But what was more shocking was that in addition to that stale box of donuts he is also apparently getting advice from the father from Webster, that dude couldn't figure out how to put Emmanuel Lewis' shoes on the right way and now he is going to be leading national security meetings....we are officially screwed

Take on Kasich's warning

Sometimes when I get breaking news feed come across my phone I wonder why this is breaking news at all. John Kasich who has as much of a chance of being president as I have, made it a point today to say that not all Muslims are terrorists and that we should not discriminate against them as a people and single them out for questioning. This was shocking only because his contemporaries in the GOP race all ran as fast as they could to the nearest bat-phone to scream at the top of their lungs that Muslims=Terrorists and tried to desperately outdo each other by sounding the toughest on terrorism.
Now I think we all agree that we must have stringent entry laws which must be enforced but I cannot think of one part under the constitution that states we should be able to single out a people for surveillance...although our history has shown we are more than happy to do that (see Japanese encampment in WWII). But again John Kasich has no chance of ever being president of the Elk Club let alone the USA, so why pay any attention to him anyway.

Take on the homeless bike rider in Port Authority

That weird smell in Port Authority is not the bathrooms overflowing after all, it is the smell of some dude who hasn't bathed in a month riding a bike with twenty pounds of garbage tied to the handlebars and somehow nobody gives a crap. I bust my ass getting to a bus at night and today I got nearly run over by this dude as he was pretending to be Lance Armstrong on the second floor. Might be time those cops in full riot gear to look up from their iPhones and take a look at this guy because he is a menace

Take on Obama's Cuban journey

It's not exactly Nixon going to China, but it is close.  Barack Obama became the first sitting president to visit Cuba maybe ever, a good next step towards normalized relations but the real takeaway we had was

how about a bit of chivalry!!!  Maybe hold that stupid umbrella over your wife's head instead of over your own..are you afraid to get a couple of drizzles on your crappy suit?  Maybe you are not a secret Muslim after all but instead you are a secret Korean woman???

But anyway, this is an unprecedented trip and your replacement will have to continue in this course if I have any hope to have a chance to vacation there myself.  So Chief maybe do us a solid a curry some favors with your replacement for us.  Since we don't know who it will be let's just cover all the basis

Hillary
Bring her back a Cuban for Bill to celebrate when you win the election..

Bernie
one of those green hats,

Trump
How about some info on beachfront property


Cruz
the torture manual from Guantanamo,

Kasich
Get him one of the thirteen state allowable allowable haircuts.  Oh wait,l what is that you say.. oh wrong communist country, oh well whatever he has no shot anyway

Thanks, just hoping we have the ability to blow our US dollars on the island and lastly if it is not too much trouble can you pick up a new second basement for the Yankees

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Schiphol

For years Schiphol was one of the best airports which is probably my like telling her she is the least fat out of her fat friends. But now, even Schiphol has put on 50lbs and it's favorite pair of pants doesn't fit anymore

They have been doing this crazy construction for what seems like two years and what was once an open pleasant airport is now a cluster of alleyways, corridors and lines..nothing but lines.
I literally spent forty minutes going through a passport check as I was transferring from one European inbound flight to another after I had already shown my passport in the first city and I had to show it again before boarding my flight again. And honestly that forty minutes I spent seemed reasonable considering the line looked like it grew a new ass after I was done with it

Plus I can't find the herring stand anymore

The airport is officially in Charles De Gaulle territory for me

Take on The Hulkster

Hulk Hogan was awarded $115,000,000 today for Gawker posting a grainy video of him banging the female love sponge. I get that this is an incredible invasion of privacy but, shoot, if I had a chance I'd easily trade in 9 seconds of my naked ass for $115million. Truth be told, he may never see that money but in a world where celebrities often seem to benefit from the sex tapes that are released, the implication is often that they are themselves the source of the leak. Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton both built "careers" on the backs of banging some no-name rappers or whatever.

Take on the iphone charger

I have had six iPhones and more chargers than I care to count and have found that the chargers all fail in the same way. At some point, the wire right by the Lightning connector starts to fray, eventually splitting the rubber tubing and finally barfing some blue-green type of rust all over the rest of the cord. I have literally had 10 cords do this to me, always in the same spot and I ask Apple to come up with a solution.
I am fairly certain why it happens, people constantly twist the cord to get it to stick into the connector although you would have thought that with the double sided lightning connector this would be minimized

But now I am stuck with yet another failed cord which does me about as much good as a broken shoelace and there I go again buying another piece of electronic crap and increasing my carbon Apple footprint

Take on the German pisser

I am not somebody who needs a ton of privacy and am not one who is afraid of my (lack of) manhood but I cannot figure out what the hell the Germans find so appealing in their choice of urinal placement. They love having them close together and hate any kind of partition, so not only do you piss on your own shoes, Hans is pissing on them, too.
Come on you bastards, give me some personal space and let me pee in privacy and not be exposed to your 28 centimeter uncut bratwurst

Take on the Airbus seats

Flying sucks but somehow flying in Europe is worse. The airports are old and shitty, the airplanes are crammed and when you are on one the service is nonexistent. But there is nothing worse than the terrible Airbus seats which are more Paris Hilton than Kim Kardashian. These things have absolutely no cushion at all which make them completely uncomfortable as you can feel the knee cap of the fat Romanian behind you poking into your back like you are the princess and the pea. Add to that the fact that you are stuck sitting squeezed next to one Frenchman who hasn't showered in a week and some Italian who screams into his phone for an hour and you are ready to abort somewhere over the Alps and take your chances.

Take on the Kasich flyer

We're huge John Kasich fans mainly because unlike the rest of the circus in the GOP field, he seems like the least funny clown in the bunch. Being the least funny clown is not great in a circus but when it comes to potentially being the next leader of the Free World not being funny is not bad.
The problem with Kasich is that he sounds like a dweeb, dresses like he lost 40 pounds since the last time he wore his suit and looks like he gets his hair cut from a girl overdosing on Bubblicious. Nothing is more boring than John Kasich mainly because he has no charisma but almost as bad is the fact that he always falls back on his accomplishments which are very neatly packaged in an almost perfect stump speech of policy nerdness and nothing proves that better than his latest campaign mailing.

In life there is nothing better than getting a postcard, except when John Kasich sent it, he might be only person who can ruin a postcard.

If Trump sent out a card it would have a chick in a bikini standing in the beach, if Cruz sent you one it would be addressed to the IRS, if Bernie sent one it would just have a photo of those two old guys from the Muppets

The problem is that when I got a postcard from the campaign it was like getting a little piece of John Kasich in my mailbox. He didn't send out a fingernail or lock of hair but instead used a standard 4x6 postcard and vomited all over it with Kasich-speech. The issue is that his campaign knows that he can't ever hope to break through on the standard mass media, so they are limited to sending a post card. But that is not where it ended, since they realize it is likely to be the only time for you to think about John Kasich, they added every single campaign policy point on the back. Then they added this in an 8 font which means you need a miscroscope to hope to read about his time in Washington blanching the budget or his time in Ohio creating jobs. I guess it also means you won't be able to read about his role in the Contract with America and ability to defund Planned Parenthood.

Take on Trump

I was in Europe over the summer and our election cycle came up with a few European friends and colleagues. They all asked me if we were seriously giving Trump a forum and a chance at this thing but I assured them that this was all a publicity stunt that nobody expected to last.  Fast forward Sic months when I'm back here and they are all waiting for me to tell me that it will be ok. If you think Americans are worried about Trump wait till you meet the guys across the pond, they are all frightened

It is just embarrassing

Take on Marco's truth

Marco Rubio has finally figured out what all of us have known forever..Donald Trump is a qualified to run this country as Donald Duck or Howard the Duck or one of the Duck Dynasty guys would be. It also marks the first time in his campaign, Marco stood for something which is nice as he is about to bow out permanently. We have said before that Marco has pulled a better Jeb! than Jeb! which is impressive when you consider how incompetent Jeb!'s campaign. Although to be fair Jeb! always got one thing right..the danger of Trump and unlike all his weak-kneed contemporaries, he was not afraid to say it.
But like his mentor did in Bush Country, Marco will fall to the mighty Trump in Marco-ville which would be a lot more fun if the "co" replaced with "garita" but instead we are stuck with watered down Jose Quervo mixed in lime juice

Take on the projected winner

I've taken a collegiate level intro to statistics and an advanced statistics course and have applied them to almost everything important I have ever done including keeping sabermetrics for my fantasy football league. With all that experience you'd think that if be somewhat clear in how the hell a news network calls an election when there are literally zero votes placed. I get that they have confidence in their polling and have the best exit polls in the business but it is a bit odd that CNN called the Mississippi primary for the Democrats before literally one vote was tallied.

At some point we may not even have to vote, CNN will just project the winner before a single person who would eventually vote in that primary has even been birthed.

Take on fast, slow, deep and shallow

A friend of mine commented that between a group of friends we had about 15 girls and one boy and asked me rhetorically "how did that happened?"

A year ago I was in China, a place where people openly root for boys and go into a depression when they have a girl, when I was told the secret by some old Chinese lady. Forget cutting out meat, alcohol or whatever because the secret is not in the sweet potatoes or Brussels Sprouts, the secret is in how the turkey is basted

See the answer is pretty easy she told me in broken English. Aya you want a boy: fast and deep, you want girl: slow and shallow.

Now knowing this you will never look at your girl having buddies the same way again

Take on the Trump County Fair

First we had low energy Jeb!, then came Crabby Chris, then we had Lying Ted and who can forget Little Marco (well it seems everybody forgot Little Marco last night). The way this election cycle is going, it looks like we'll have a Hillary vs Trump-off and it will get ugly because Trump will go after everything in Hillary's closet and we all know that closet is deep. What will be interesting is to see how many men he can convert because his numbers women are looking like ratings on one of those final seasons of The Apprentice.

But let's get to that Trump's infomercial/victory speech last night. We were told about Lying Ted, Little Marco and probably about Low Energy Jeb! and a great bunch of steaks for $50 and a bottle of wine and a magazine and a golf course. What was crazy is that as Trump kept going about one Trump product after another Hillary took the stage and nobody left QVT. Every news station kept on Donald, it was like he was pulling a Rand Paul and filibustering.

Cruz took Idaho even after Trump told them earlier in the week that they make the best potatoes. There is literally nothing else anybody knows about Idaho other than that.

Trump took Hawaii too but I believe there were a total of 20,000 votes cast. At some point some of these states should get shunned to CNBC or FoxSports or something because they are wasting valuable time for Trump to sell his wares

In the meantime I am still waiting for Rubio's third place finish speech where he makes it sound like he took first place, those are gold. I guess the problem is that he may not have had his fourth place finish speech ready. He has the entire establishment behind him and he falls flat on his face. He really is the perfect Jeb! protege, he does Jeb! better than Jeb!

And then there was Romney, he is like King Midas. He gets involved and immediately sinks Rubes. Hey Mittens, just go home.

So we have Trump at 14 wins and 7 second place finishes, he is like Jack Nicklaus of primaries and we all have to root hard for somebody to step and beat him in Ohio and Florida but I don't see an Arnie or Lee Trevino in the bunch. Although the truth is John Daly would probably come out and endorse him anyway.

But the lasting impression of the week was of another likely Trump supporter, one Hulk Hogan who had to admit that although the Hulkster was hung like horse, Terry Bollea was hung like..well Marco Rubio. How long before Gawker releases a video of Trump jumping David Duke's wife

Take on Maria Sharapova

When Maria Sharapova got busted for a failed drug test nobody should have been surprised. The Russian darling of the tennis circuit had a dirty secret, the kind a 40 year old Chinese kid would have about a Russian tennis starlet. The thing is we have all know the Russian sports federation have long been tied to performance enhancing doping and this could not have come as much of a surprise to anybody. Not only do I not buy her medicinal excuse, I am sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.

When a friend suggested that knowing this that maybe she was also involved in the match fixing allegations that shook the tennis world a few months ago, I wasn't surprised at all mainly because, well, she is Russian. The implication has long been that the entire match fixing thing was the doing of the Russian Mob and people
With knowledge indicated that the culprits were world ranked Russian players, ones you wouldn't expect.

But of course the world will probably forgive little pretty Maria while constantly finding ways to knock Serena who is well on her way to be the greatest women's tennis player of the open era. I'd argue she is probably going to go down as the best women's tennis player of all time but people will argue it is hard to compare the players of today against ones wearing white skirts, shitty haircuts who played with wooden rackets

Take on the GOP delegate allocation

The more I stare at the primary schedule and delegate allocation the less sense it makes

Iowa has 30 delegates
New Hampshire has 23
South Carolina has 50

Without looking at population this seems about right, I'd guess that South Carolina has more people than Iowa and New Hampshire although I'd think the disparity would be greater than it the delegate count would indicate. There's so kind of weird formula which says that Kansas which is deep red gets more delegates per capita than say Rhode Island which are a bunch of frat boys with dirty white hats

Then I look at Texas and they get 155 delegates, makes sense as it is a huge state, Michigan gets 59 which seems low compared to Texas, Florida gets 99 but ok so far it seems like it makes sense. Then I see New York gets 95 and I am pretty sure they have a bigger population than Florida but I guess less republicans. I know there is some complicated allocation based on how "republican" the state is. I get that although having looked at the formula it makes his head spin

But still there are two issues

*how the hell do the Northern Marianna Islands get 9 delegates? I never even heard of them and they get more than half of what Vermont is allocated?? I am sure Vermont gets knocked down because they have a socialist senator but I am sure they have enough republicans to get them above a set of islands with six people on it.

* I cannot figure how the hell they decide which states are important. Nobody talks about North Carolina but they have 72 delegates to Ohio's 66 and Michigan's 59 and they vote in a week yet everybody has been speaking about those two states

Take on Rubio

Little Marco finally won a state, we'll it isn't really a state but whatever he won and we are good to celebrate with mofungo. I know he won Minnesota which should have been a big deal because we all love the twin cities but somehow it wasn't. The real issue is that I cannot figure what is a major state and what is a nothing state. How is Kansas a 40 delegate state and Michigan is a 56 delegate state but one state is a big deal and the other is one you forget is even having a primary. Anyway, Rubio is a paper tiger and he will lose in Florida by 20% and really I don't care because he is a complete empty suit and he needs to end this misery and go back to Florida and open a kiosk in a mall selling presidential campaign memorabilia. He sucks


Sent from my iPhone

Take on the planned work call in public

There are few things I despise more than some jackass deciding that he should take a conference call while sitting in a public places whether is be on public transportation or in a public place it annoys the crap out of me. It is not just that doing it at a bar in the middle of the day is wildly inappropriate, it is annoying because the guy is usually 6 decibels too loud for the setting and you just know the party on the other side can't hear a thing with all the background noise.

Go find a public park or a bridge somewhere and get this crap out of my life

Take on the Detroit Debate

Another night, another debate and I'm not sure we're any better off having sat through that last night

 

Here are some takeaways

• -           Trump is hung like a horse according to…. Trump
  
• 
  
• -          Rubio is hung like a pimple according to…. Trump
  
• 
  
•  -        Cruz had a tooth pop out of his mouth in the middle of the debate like he is some kind of meth addict
• 
  
• -          Kasich could really use some lifts in his shoes, never before has the adult in the room looked so small..even compared to Rubio
  
• 
  
•  -          Trump is moving very quickly to the center in preparation for the general election
• 
  
•  -          Rubio looked like Richard Nixon in that debate with Kennedy, he was a sweaty sick disgusting mess.   This country needs somebody great, not somebody who looks like they are about to puke.. he is disgusting
• 
  
•  -          Rubio's hairline has receded exponentially as the primary season has gone on.. You could literally project a movie on his forehead right now, not just any movie but an IMAX things
• 
  
•  -          Speaking of haircuts, Kasich probably gets his cut at the mall
• 
  
•  -          Trump doesn't need to get his cut
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•  -          Cruz probably uses one of those suction cup things and then puts the vacuum on little teddy.
• 
  
• -          Not exactly sure why Kasich mentioned that the Cleveland mayor was black.. is this the equivalent of telling people you are not a racist because you have a black friend?
  
• 
  
• -          Trump looked tired, even the great Trumponator seems like he has lost a little fire.. maybe he warmed himself up with Melanie before the night started, who knows but they always tell athletes to refrain from that before a big event
  
• 
  
• -             It was odd that after their last battle of the Alamo, Cruz and Rubio completely avoided each other, I don't recall a single interaction between the two
  
• 
  
•  -          Ben Carson really got no time at all, I don't even remember him speaking once
  

•  -          Megyn Kelly has dirty fantasies about Trump and his comments about the size of his VP choice only got her more hot and bothered
  
• 
  
•  -          The Gotcha moment with Trump with his flipflops was very weak and he worked that beautifully..   I am sure that Roger Ailes has instructed the entire crew that they have ditched the Rubio wagon and are now all on the Trump express..
• 
  
•  -          Kasich really can't speak without his arms flailing around, you can see he tries to control it early on but at some point he is karate chopping all around him…
• 
  
•  -          Kasich will balance the budget, the first thing he could do if he ever did become president would get rid of the sign-language guy who hangs with the president and just karate chop his own way through it..
• 
  
•  -          I wonder if between Trump's Yoga ability and his incredible manhood if he could literally suck his own..Let's leave it at that..

 

Here is our prediction in Michigan

Trump  32%

Kasich  31%

Rubio   15%

Cruz      11%

Carson   8%

Barry Sanders  2%

Michael Moore 1%

Take on the North Korean nuclear threat

Kim Jong Un is like the Jared Fogle of world leaders, every time you see him he gets fatter. Today he was quoted as saying that the North had to have their nuclear arsenal at the ready to thwart a chance of an Imperial American attack.
We get that this dude is a bit self conscious, there is literally no way that he can see his own d!ck without the use of a mirror and when he dose whip out the mirror he has to see that terrible haircut.

But it might be time to take out the tub of kimchee and I think I have the plan. We get some locals to arrange for a big outdoor cake feast, there's no way that Big Kim can pass up on cake and when he approaches the center cake, a couple of commandos jump out like that chick from Under Siege but instead of bazookas they got bazookas.

Take on Ben Carson

And then there were four!!!

Sometime in the fall there was a moment when the world was Ben Carson's oyster....for those few minutes he was Howard Dean, The 9-9-9 guys, Deez Nutz and the Rent is too Damn High guy wrapped into one and there was some thought that he could be the knight in shining armor we've all hoped for. Sadly, Ben Carson unlike his brother Johnny, was not ready for prime time and his campaign is expected to end today with about as much excitement as, well, Ben Carson. Never has a man who knew more about one subject been incapable of a rational though on another. Ben Carson spent months complaining that not body was listening and then proceeded to bore everybody to tears when they did.
He apparently has magical hands and with an ability to dull his patients to sleep in his Good Night Moon voice, was able to operate on an entire country without anybody noticing.

I think it would be nice if we all went out and bought his book, or not, I really don't care

Take on the Christie Face

There has never been a politician who has regretted his decision quicker than one Chris Christie did when he endorsed Donald J Trump this week. Not only did he look uncomfortable at the original press conference on Friday, he went from balls out defense originally to state appointed defense a few days later on the Sunday morning circuit . It was later reported that minutes after his big endorsement Trump was overheard saying "go back to Jersey" to Big Chris and now today he was seen over the shoulder of Trump looking like he had some bad fish. Poor guy is standing there just hoping for the Navy SEALs to come swarming in to rescue him to rescue him. I can't imagine what he would admit to his rescuers when they bring him back to Ramstein. My captors were horrible people with terrible spray tans and fake hair. I was tortured mercilessly, deprived of basic human necessities like sleep and water, my human rights were violated. please somebody give me double bacon cheeseburger and large fries