Take on the exploding toilet

When I read the story of the Brooklyn man who had his toilet explode
on him this week, I had one thought. Years ago a friend of mine was
working at a local wine and spirits shop, a job he had gotten under
complete false pretenses as he couldn't tell you a Chardonnay from a
Merlot.
After a couple of months of, what I can only imagine was terrible
customer service, the place must have been looking for any reason to
lay him off. Somehow he was able to avoid to total job guillotine
right away and they threw him on the Sunday AM shift, which in NJ
means you are mainly stocking shelves because you can't buy liquor
before noon.

This buddy, let's call him Kenneth, thought that, it being 10am on a
Sunday, he could use the opportunity to work out that nasty case of
the runs he's had since we'd been at the all you can eat Mexican place
by the bowling alley a few days earlier. He made it into the tiny
bathroom and plumped his rather large ass down. At this point I
should probably point out that Kenny is somewhere north of 280 pounds,
well north actually and he has had quite a few adventures on the bowl
including dislocating his retina from the furious pushing.

So, as our hero sat on the toilet with only the sounds of his own
grunts and the turning of the pages of the latest issue of Fangoria
filling the air, he heard what sounded like the sounds of plaster
cracking. He didn't think much of it, until he realized he was
sitting on one of those toilets that jets out of the wall, as opposed
to one that sits directly on the floor. Instantly he realized that he
was playing with fire and a deep sweat started forming on his unibrow.
These toilet types were not made to withstand this size of humanity,
especially not one straining to expel three day old burritos
The quiet cracking quickly turned into a loud chorus and within
seconds our large friend found himself lying on the floor of the
rather small bathroom in a puddle of burrito, porcelain and water.
Worse yet, when the toilet came crumbling to the floor, it burst both
the in-pipe and the return one, so water, feces, piss and tampons
where spewing out the wall at 100 miles per hour. Kenneth, lying on
his back like the helpless turtle he is, tried to stuff toilet paper
into the broken pipe line a Dutch boy tries to stuff a dike but the
river was too strong that day. Then in a moment of clarity he got up,
wiped the largest pieces of porcelain off of him, walked out of the
restroom, waved to the manager and instantly quit.

As he walked out he yelled, I think your toilet might be backed up

The wine shop never had a better day