Take on the new FAA flight regulations

There are really not many things that seemed more obvious than the FAA
finally allowing people to use tablets and MP3 players to be used
during takeoff. The initial argument against it was always a bit
flimsy and completely rendered moot, when pilots were using IPAD's for
their flight manuals without any repercussions of interference. The
second argument about a tablet becoming a projectile if there was a
sudden change in speeds was even more ridiculous as nobody would have
said a peep if you were carrying a copy of War and Peace on your lap.

It was a much needed change as the rules were antiquated and worthless
but what I am most happy about is that it will mean that I finally
don't have to read that terrible SkyMall magazine anymore

As much as I need a garden gnome or a nose hair trimmer, reading
something I actually care about will be nice for a change

Take on the Hopeless Place

i'm as big a Rihanna fan as any 37 year old heterosexual white father of two could be.  I don't own any albums and have no intention of ever seeing her live but will look whenever Tyler Durden posts a nekid picture.

But what got me was this 'hopeless place' song they've been playing recently, I'll give in that is is catchy but it has to be one of the most mindless piece of electronica ever put out.   They repeat that 'we found love in a hopeless place' like a hundred times throughout the song.   I haven't bothered to see if there are any additional lyrics but I highly doubt it...

I think it proves again how hopeless music from this decade is.

Take on the $2500 Barney's bag

The internet has been ablaze for a week after a couple of kids came forward to say they were racially profiled for buying expensive luxury items at a Barney's New York

The firestorm started when some kid got detained for buying a $350 belt and has intensified with people coming out of the woodwork since.  I can't say I've paid that much attention to any of it but did read about some 21 year old girl who said she had cops pull her aside after she bought a $2500 purse from Barney's earlier this year..

I can't say that I agree with Barney's for that kind of action but what kid, forget their skin color, is buying a $2500 bag?    I have never spent $250 on a bag, I probably never spent $25 on a bag and some kid who has not graduated college yet is blowing $2500 on a bag????

Take on the weird name

There are not a lot of things that irritate me more than some park
slope parent giving their kid some obscure name. I get that you don't
want your kid named Bill, Dave, Troy or Rob but why is Clover any
better? But what irritates me even more than the hippy name is the
name that is either intentionally misspelled (unintentionally
misspelled is an entire different crime which deserves instant
castration) or worse yet a name which is impossible to pronounce

I was on the phone with somebody they other day and just guessed at
their name. As opposed to correcting me with a 'everybody gets that
wrong' she have me a "it's pronounced Des Sho Nar" line

Well if that is the case, don't spell it Dejonnae

Take on the British Research on Piizza

I saw an article this week about some British scientists who had
apparently come up with the mathematical equation for perfect pizza.
My first thought was, how the hell does a country who itself isn't
know for their food or their mathematics come off trying to come up
with the perfect anything. If, instead, they had put a picture
survey of bad teeth or crappy bland fish and chips places, I'd trust
the Brits, but pizza???!

So, stick with what you know, you limy lads and leave the pizza to the
pizza to those who know how to make it.....Brooklynites

Take on the real life superhero

There are feel good stories and then there are feel GREAT stories.  I read an article this morning about a courageous man rescuing his entire family from a burning house, making sure the entire family made it out alive and then he did what we all wish we would have the guts to do

"I told them to get the kids out and everything and me myself, being an alcoholic, I was trying to get my beer out," he told the news station.

This savage went back into a burning house to get his Bud Lite.  I can't ever imagine jumping in front of a train or a bullet but I have to say that this is the kind of heroics, I could see for myself

Walter Serpit, you are a real man's man

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the pre-meeting piss

Like clockwork, whenever I step into a big meeting, I immediately need
to pee. I figure it's the same mentality thar animals have when they
take a dump as they sense danger. It sounds counterintuitive because
you'd figure you would save time, and this maybe prevent death, by not
dumping but it also makes them lighter. Some kind of instinctual
thing makes us need to relieve ourselves but I will usually not
indulge this instinctual biological desire. Before a major meeting, I
will purposely not go to the bathroom, instead risking a potential UTI
in order to stay focussed and give me an edge

Take on the new Ann Taylor Loft as campaign

I walked past the Ann Taylor Loft store today and noticed the new ad
campaign they are running around the theme "maybe you are a petite".
The idea being, that women might actually be wearing the wrong size
and would look better buying new (and expensive) clothing which have a
higher hem, less material or a tighter for.

Of course I don't have any issue with hot chicks dressing better but
wonder if they'd be better off calling the campaign "maybe you are
really secretly a slut"

I am a fan

take on the worst of the worst

When I read the article the other day about the mother who plead guilt to burning her 18 year old's son with a lighter, I didn't think it could get much worse..   Then I read that, along with a 20 year old accomplice, she also burned his nipples, had him eat sh!t and broke his ankle to boot, and I thought it couldn't get much worse.   First of all, what kind of sick f*ck does this to anybody, let alone their own flesh and blood but maybe more importantly, what kind of sicko gets off on this like this wench and her 20 year old cohort seems to have.

then I got a look at the mom and now I realize that hers is not a face that you can easily forget.   As some guys online have pointed out, this 'chick' looks like a cross between Abe Vigota and a hound-dog, which is a surprisingly brutal combination.

well, now you too have her face burned into your retinas, remember it the next time somebody asks you for a light

Take on the battery drain

I am. It sure if this is a common issue but I have spoken with a few
people who have had the same issue I have been facing. Ever since I
downloaded the new iOS, I've had ridiculously irregular battery life.
It's not just that the battery now sucks -which it does- but rather
that it we jump from say 35% to 21% in two minutes. It doesn't seem
to be a huge issue when the battery is at 85%, but when you get down
to below 40% the battery indicator has no relationship to the actual
time left.

The other odd thing is that sometimes, it will just shut down because
the battery has drained from 10% to 0% in like 30 seconds with no
warning. But when you plug it in, the phone is immediately back up to
23% or something. So the phone actually has some juice but it
believes it is actually empty.

Apple, figure this out because I need an answer before I shoot myself

Take on the pedestrian walkway at Times Square

A few years ago when Mayor Bloomberg turned Times Square into a
pedestrian haven, he was applauded from The Battery to the Bronx, as
it turned one of the most automobile congested spots in the world into
a walking paradise. I have to think that he's turning over into his
soon-to-be-mayoral grave when he sees what has become of this.
Between the construction, which has literally been going on for
months, and the crap they have paraded up and down that area, it is
now a complete rat maze. There are barricades, orange tape,
construction crews, heavy machinery and still the same amount of idiot
tourists
It was better with the cars
Kill me

Take on the Kim Kardashian Selfie

A few day ago, the twitterverse was ablaze with the first real Kim
Kardashian post pregnancy picture. It showed Kanye West's latest
conquest with her huge ass sticking out and a little side-boob to
boot. I have nothing against hot chicks flaunting their stuff and
appreciate whenever they make it super easy to find it although I
don't quite get the national obsession with the entire Kardashian
clan. Yeah, the two sisters are hot and the third looks like a
pregnant giraffe and the mom is a complete whence but why do we care?
What is even more surprising is the viscous commentary. There are
literally thousands of vile comments to the picture with people
calling her every name in the book. I don't care that she gets this
kind of a hatred sent her way, as she has brought it upon herself, but
I don't get why people feel the need to take time out of their day to
knock a hot chick showing off her body. Why would you care??

Take on the misleading picture

When I opened up the NYDailyNews.com website this morning I was
shocked when I scrolled down and saw a screaming headline about Kate
Middleton showing off her flat abs in public. I wouldn't spend much
time on that article except that picture directly above it shows the
hottest princess I have ever seen. She is good looking but never
realized that she was such a total hot POA with an ass that you can
bounce a quarter off of and a chest that screams to be motorboated.
Sadly, I found out that this was just some NYDailyNews website snafu
because the picture is of some other hot chick and not the Duchess of
Cambridge although I am pretty sure it won't be long before we are
Pipa in a similar pose

Take on the Don't Hate me Cause I'm Rich girl

There's some essay going around about some princess who is trying to justify her exuberant lifestyle and privates upbringing and feels people shouldn't judge her because she buys Prada and Mulberry stuff.  The funny thing is that every time I see a chick with a Gucci bag, I assume it's a fake, not because I can't imagine that they can afford if but more that I can't imagine they would afford it.   Obviously there are people who are beyond wealthy and an $800 purse isn't that ridiculous but I still assume it's a fake.  

Anyway this chick posted a bunch of hot pictures on Facebook and has been crapping all over poor people, so she does seem like she fits right into her social circle. 

I do love her last name though

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the digitally autographed photo

I get they social media allows celebrities to stay in touch with their
fans but these legions of fans should expect some personalized stuff,
right? I know they probably have an entire team of handlers who type
out (and undoubtedly come up with) all their witty observations.
But I have to say that Shakira has the all time low with an offer to
all her fans for a digitally autographed photo. What the hell does
that mean? You sign one copy and then send it out to all the people
who support you by buying your crappy albums, shaking their large
asses and going to your awful concerts
The generosity is deafening

Take on the weak coffee

I'll never understand somebody requesting a non-bold coffee. This
morning, I was served something with the look and consistency of an
Earl Grey tea and had to restrain myself from throwing the cup back at
the server. I drink coffee for the dark flavor and the caffeine, not
for some poor excuse for water intake.

So, if you want to serve me coffee, make sure it's caffeinated, black
and thick, I'd like to be able to chew my way through it

Take on the ugly shoe section

I went to buy a new pair of sneakers last week to replace the ones I
knew I'd ruin during the Mudder. I decided that I was going to go
with two pairs: a new running pair and a more casual weekend walking
around pair. I walked into a store and told the high school sales
associate what I was looking for. She immediately took me to the
casual sneaker section and I just about puked. Long gone are a normal
pair of sneakers, all of them replaced with true basketball sneakers,
running sneakers, obnoxious Assassins or these Euro-things which make
dudes look like they have strapped bananas to their feet. Worse
than the fact they were all ridiculously ugly, they also all cost a
hundred bucks
Thirty minute later, I walked out and went to Modell's and spent $39
on a pair of orange and grey pair of Filas

Take on the aftermath

The Mudder was obviously a great accomplishment but nothing makes you
enjoy it more than the battle scars from any event. Whether it's sore
muscles, scrapes, bruises, black and blues or a twisted ankle, any of
these off track endurance events have their share of minor (and major)
injuries.
For me, completing the Mudder was a but like the Righetti Bon Jovi
wedding experience because my knees look like they belong to one of
those 10 dollar street girl from Hookers on the Point. They sort of
match the large bruises on my arms and the black and blue on my gut
but the worst part was scaling the 10 foot walk because when you
finally get your leg over the top, you land right on your sack, which
the reason my voice has been an octave higher than usual


Good times

Take on the Tough Mudder

Yesterday, a few buddies and I completed one if the coolest events, I
have ever done in my life. The event is 10-12 miles of running,
swimming, splashing and drinking of mud which doesn't even begin to
describe how much fun it is. I have completed the marathon twice and
have done countless halves but nothing compares to the pure fun of
doing a Mudder. Unlike the Marathon, this event is all about
camaraderie with everybody helping each other over each obstacle
With obstacles like a 10 foot walls to scale, crawls under electric
wire waiting to shock you, a plunge in the Arctic Enema and a 20 foot
cliff dive into a mud pool, this is just ridiculously fun

I'm just shocked I didn't pull a nut

Take on the biggest loser

I get that Craig Sager has his shtick. It's kind of lame but if does
keep people taking about him which is quite an accomplishment because
he's a sideline reporter for sporting event, a position usually filled
by meatball ex-athletes and interns.

He's seen mostly during the NBA season and he's always wearing some
ridiculously ugly jacket which for an old white guy is beyond
ridiculous but it's sort of his thing. I am not talking 1970's back
of the closet ugly but more like...let me spend good money on the
ugliest brightest possible jacket I can find.
It sort of works in the NBA because he is inside an arena, but when he
covers any outdoor sporting event, it's idiotic
Right now, TBS is covering the MLB playoffs, and this jackoff is
standing in the upper deck with drinks throwing peanuts at him and
spilling beer on his shoes. You can't look like a bigger loser than
to be the guy wearing a magenta blazer with a pink tie at a baseball
game.

God help us if TNT ever gets the NFL

take on the new facebook privacy issues

Facebook has been all over the news again, as they once again are stomping on people's privacy and using their information to make more loot..

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/facebook-profiles-private-article-1.1482683

I don't have a real problem with it, for two main reasons.  I don't do Facebook, so don't really care but also because this is a free service in a free country and they can do anything they want..

what I did find laughable was that, in justifying this step, Facebook made the ludicrous statement that this would really only affect a single-digit percentage of their users.

For a company who claims to have 1.2 million people (1,200,000,000) a single digit percentage is still an awful lot of people.    Let's assume it's 5%, that would still be 60 million people who would now have their lives exposed to every Joe, Dick and Don Draper to advertise to..

I will also give a bunch of Joe, Dick and CJ's, free reign to stalk every one those  1.2 million people, for creepy pool-side pictures 

Take on the exploding toilet

When I read the story of the Brooklyn man who had his toilet explode
on him this week, I had one thought. Years ago a friend of mine was
working at a local wine and spirits shop, a job he had gotten under
complete false pretenses as he couldn't tell you a Chardonnay from a
Merlot.
After a couple of months of, what I can only imagine was terrible
customer service, the place must have been looking for any reason to
lay him off. Somehow he was able to avoid to total job guillotine
right away and they threw him on the Sunday AM shift, which in NJ
means you are mainly stocking shelves because you can't buy liquor
before noon.

This buddy, let's call him Kenneth, thought that, it being 10am on a
Sunday, he could use the opportunity to work out that nasty case of
the runs he's had since we'd been at the all you can eat Mexican place
by the bowling alley a few days earlier. He made it into the tiny
bathroom and plumped his rather large ass down. At this point I
should probably point out that Kenny is somewhere north of 280 pounds,
well north actually and he has had quite a few adventures on the bowl
including dislocating his retina from the furious pushing.

So, as our hero sat on the toilet with only the sounds of his own
grunts and the turning of the pages of the latest issue of Fangoria
filling the air, he heard what sounded like the sounds of plaster
cracking. He didn't think much of it, until he realized he was
sitting on one of those toilets that jets out of the wall, as opposed
to one that sits directly on the floor. Instantly he realized that he
was playing with fire and a deep sweat started forming on his unibrow.
These toilet types were not made to withstand this size of humanity,
especially not one straining to expel three day old burritos
The quiet cracking quickly turned into a loud chorus and within
seconds our large friend found himself lying on the floor of the
rather small bathroom in a puddle of burrito, porcelain and water.
Worse yet, when the toilet came crumbling to the floor, it burst both
the in-pipe and the return one, so water, feces, piss and tampons
where spewing out the wall at 100 miles per hour. Kenneth, lying on
his back like the helpless turtle he is, tried to stuff toilet paper
into the broken pipe line a Dutch boy tries to stuff a dike but the
river was too strong that day. Then in a moment of clarity he got up,
wiped the largest pieces of porcelain off of him, walked out of the
restroom, waved to the manager and instantly quit.

As he walked out he yelled, I think your toilet might be backed up

The wine shop never had a better day

take on the heavy set stripper

I just caught an article about a woman suing the NYPD because she was arrested for topless sunbathing in a Brooklyn park.

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/brooklyn/bklyn-woman-arrested-sunbathing-topless-article-1.1479588

the woman, who makes a living as a stripper, claims her rights were infringed upon and TOR is always there to protect personal freedom, especially when it involves strippers getting topless.

The problem I have is that this chick looks like she should be stripping in the dark because she has a body-type like most the guys I went to high-school with.  We have nothing against a woman showing her cans, but when it looks like she's smuggling soda-cans in her thighs, i'm less interested.

but anyway, sue away..just don't show up in court topless

Take on the obvious

When I was sent a link last week of the most searched things on
google, I thought "this can't be that easy". It's like getting a
question at the $250,000 part of Who Wants to be a Millionaire (that
show is still on, right??) and getting a question which seems
ridiculously obvious and when you answer the way any normal person
would, you are crying on Regis' shoulder. It's like the last part of
the verbal SAT's, I think the entire Princeton Review is based on
going with your guy on the first 15 questions and going against your
guy on the last, because they are trying go trick you

Well the answer is, apparently, as obvious as we always thought. The
most googled thing in this entire world is...Justin Bieber

Take on the new Stripclub policy on NY Giant football

So you can now thank Big Blue for giving you Big Blue Balls

Some strip-club in NYC just announced they protesting Eli, Coughlin
and Jerry Reece by not going to be showing NY Giant games anymore,
after the team lost it's fifth straight game to start (and essentially
end) the season. I can't really blame them, not because I am not a
Giant fan, but because, as a Jet Fan, I know how frustrating having
your QB throw pick after pick and it's a total buzzkill. I love
LTTIng with strippers but even I cannot imagine dancing around near
the stage after Vinny T threw another INT. So Rick's going to
pretend the Giants don't even exist or at a minimum don't matter.
somehow Hakeem Nicks got the memo a few months before anybody else

.

Take on torture

If you thought those claw games were hard wait till you try this new
one where you have to cut a fishing line with a razor. I have never
seen something look so easy, yet be almost completely impossible to
accomplish. A few weeks ago, while I was getting gas at a rest-stop,
I got caught up with trying to beat one of these machines. With
IPADs, IPhones and some lame windows thing all hanging behind bullet
proof Fiberglas, I threw dollar after dollar into the money hole. Of
course, as expected, I walks off without an IPad but a much lighter
wallet
The issue is that you can only move the joystick right and in, so if
you overshoot it, you are completely screwed.

Bastards

Take on those hundreds of broken Citibikes

It's been a few months since the Citibike rolled out all throughout
the city. After a few months, a ton of glitches, a number of
logistical nightmares, it seems they might finally be making some
progress with the program. The problem is that now it's the bikes
that are giving out. Every time you come up to a docking station, you
find -at minimum- three red lights indicating dead bikes. So although
it appears that some stations have availability, they really don't.
Even the ones that are 'working' all have issues. The gears are
messed up, the tires are flat or the handle-bar is off. I take the
bikes once or twice per day and this week along I had four bikes which
were busted or force me to ride now-rider style because the seat
doesn't come up. What once was a great idea, is quickly becoming a
total nightmare

Time to step it up, Citibike

Take on the moaner

What the hell is with people sounding like they are giving birth in
mensrooms? I have noticed that lately there are more guys who moan,
cough, grunt and whimper while sitting on the can. Maybe they need
more bran in their diets, maybe they should be drinking more water but
one thing I am sure of, they should probably find a handicap stall
because what is happening behind that partition is not potentially
criminal. I have a buddy who popped his retina taking a dump, so I
get that this is a trying experience for some people, but have the
wherewithal -or at least the decency- to keep the orgasmic sounds to
yourself

Take on the SUV Biker Battle

all anybody seems to be talking about is the dude, Alexian Lien, who got encircled by the angry group of bikers this weekend, which ended with the guy in the SUV getting ripped out of his car and beaten in front of his wife and two year old kid, after a long chase down the West Side Highway.    The entire event  started with a minor finder bender, which lead to the biker crew starting to bang against the guys door to intimidate them, which lead to him literally driving over a bunch of them to get away from them and then finally the guy getting beat down after the 10 mile chase..   

Having never been in exactly this situation, it's hard to know what you'd do, but I've been on the road when these bikers are on the road and it's friggin frightening.   I'm not sure if it's the ridiculously loud exhausts, the fact that they are speeding at 200 miles per hour or the fact that there are usually 10,000 of them.  These guys are completely intimidating, whether they intend to be or now..

But what really gets me is that when the chase begins, why Lien didn't just stay on the highway, maybe cross the bridge but instead this guy gets off on 175th street and gets stuck in traffic which was about as predictable as knowing what would happened next.   This is when the video cuts out but apparently the mob breaks his window, pulls him out of the car and beats the hell out of him..

anyway, the most memorable image is the video of the Lien driving off originally and runs over one of those dudes..  It looks like a great Land Rover commercial

take on the difference in classes

a few weeks ago, while flying back from Eastern Europe for 10 hours, I realized just how much better the guys taking a left when they get onto an airplane have it relative to the ones taking a right.

I've flown my fair share of business class flights, but will almost always opt for the coach option knowing that a few hours of misery is often not worth the three fold price jump.     Domestically I get upgraded about 60% of the time anyway and on most international flights, my status gets me at least my choice of bulk-head or emergency exit, unless they have an economy comfort, which I'll always opt for.

The only issue with Economy comfort is that, since you are you sitting in the front of the economy section, all the bathrooms for your section are in the back on the 777 planes.    I don't mind stretching my legs a bit and really prefer to be as far from that smell as possible but there is one drawback..  when the food-service is coming down the aisle, you can't get to the bathroom.

Like I said, I'd been in Eastern Europe for three days and was going on about 3 hours of sleep when I got onto the plane but all hell broke loose when my stomach started doing flips from the raw-sushi I had, 1500 kilometers from the nearest ocean.   

With the beverage carts blocking my only bathroom option, I asked the stewardess in business class, if I could use the bathroom up there...

Righetti..  I know this is usually not allowed, but  can I use the bathroom up here

Stewardess  "the FAA doesn't allow for cross cabin travel, it's a security issue"

Righetti   I understand this but I can't get past the lady pushing the food cart to the only bathrooms are all the way in the back

Stewardess  it's a security issue

Righetti    what happens if somebody from over there wanted to use our bathroom?

Stewardess  that would be OK

Righetti  "no security issue there?"

Stewardess  yes

Righetti   yes a security issue or yes, no security issue

Stewardess  yes

Righetti  why would the FAA care about classes?

Stewardess  sorry it's from Homeland Security

Righetti  same difference

Stewardess  yes

Righetti  i have to pee from my ass, I might do it in the middle of your aisle

Stewardess  No

It's like a walking episode of Curb

Take on the ultimate dilemma

Whenever I get dressed in the morning, I realize I'm taking a gamble.
A gamble that, most likely, I'll lose. You'd think this about those
big Jets jackets I supposedly wear with the newspapers stuffed in the
pockets, or the pant leg stuffed into the mismatched socks I often
sport but actually it is a much bigger fashion problem. This one
comes much later in the day.. Let me explain:

Today, like I do once per week, I sit down for lunch at this little
Irish pub by my office and look over the menu and immediately I am
torn. They are offering a linguini fra Diavolo special, a meal which
happens to be a Righetti favorite. I love the spice, the seafood, the
preparation and the flavor and even at $17 it's a must have for lunch.
The issue is that this morning I put on a white shirt, one I'll have
to wear for another 8 hours, and keeping it clean is always a
challenge, but with Fra Diavolo tempting me, it's a battle I go into
knowing I'll lose. I know that I am just setting myself up for
disaster but I just can't help myself, I try to convince myself to
have a turkey sandwich or...gulp... a salad but to no avail. The
shrimp, the clams, the calamari, the spicy red sauce, the
bloodbath.... It's too much temptation, so I break down and order
knowing I'll be the guy who looked like he just got shot in the gut
later in the day