Take on the poorly placed logo

Sometimes it seems that major mappers should hire a photo editor just like they would hire a copy editor.  The Times today in an article about the pope decided to make him look like Gorbachev with their logo right on his head.    There are definitely worse Russian leaders to be compared to and I'd be a lot more distrusted if they superimposed a thick mustache or had a topless picture of him riding a horse but it's still not ideal 

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Take on the snoring bus rider

Nothing is more disgusting to me than people who sleep on public transportation. Come on, seriously, how the hell is a jam packed bus at 5:30pm a place where you must try to get your power nap in.   It always leads to one of two things, the slob either does that weird shake awake thing where he looks up like he just woke up in 'nam or the guy wakes up from the feel of his own drool landing on his fat hand. What these savaged never wake up from though is when they lean their gigantic heads up against you like you are some kind of bus pillow

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Take on the fat beauty contestant

Newt Gingrich came to the defense of Donald Trump today as he told the Log Cabin Republicans that a beauty contestant is not supposed to gain 60 pounds after winning.  I do see Newt's point, a beauty contestant is really only asked to do one thing.. look hot and if you can't do that you are, by definition, no longer a chick who looks hot.   The way we see it, it is kind of like electing a congressman and then see him shut down the government, that wasn't exactly why you signed up for.   

But the  again sometimes you should set your expectations, the season you should expect out of Yoenis Cespedes after he signs a big multi-year guaranteed contract should be .260/18/90.  If you aren't happy with that, don't sign him to a multi year deal 

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Take on the debate

It's been about 24 hours since the most anticipated debate of all time and we're still reeling.   It was certainly one which seemed to meet the massive expectations for any veteran political junkie even if it didn't give the casual fan the kind of fireworks they had hope for.  I have read all the reviews, have seen a few polls and have discussed it in person with a number of people and although last night I felt that Trump had gotten the better part of Hillary, today I'm not so sure. 

What was interesting was that for all the talk of stamina, it seemed that Trump was the one who ran out of steam late, while Hillary goaded him from one trap to another.  Hillary wasn't great and was way too scripted early but she found her rhythm, playing against Trump to stick his foot in his mouth is like waiting for the Jets season to end, you know it will happened but you just don't know when.

 Trump obviously had his moments, any time he can filibuster through a field filled with landmines, is a win but a couple of things stood out to us.. a few that he said and a few he did not.

-          His prideful acknowledgement that he pays no taxes at all will not sit well with those trying to make ends-meet..

-          The image of a 400 pound slob sitting topless in his parent's basement chugging diet-cokes while hacking Hillary's server is one which is now burned into the back of my brain.

-          The thought of little Baron being that boy in a few years, is even more troubling, apparently he does have great computer skills.

-          Hillary putting Trump on the defensive with his derogatory and sexists comments where a perfect response and put a nice bow on her campaign message which continues to be that he is just too unstable to be trusted

-          Anybody who makes the argument that they have a great temperament is guaranteed to have a terrible temperament.. it's the kind of thing a guy does who brags about his business acumen..show me, don't tell me about how great your abilities are..

-          But to me the most telling thing about Trump's stamina was that when he was given a perfect volley by Lester Holt when he brought up the cyber warfare, he spit the bit.   That was perfectly set up for him to hammer her on her server but instead he went to some convoluted argument about some fat kid... it was entertaining but he lost on substance, as usual.  

 

Hillary wasn't perfect by any stretch, when she goes wonky, people turn to the Saints game, when she gets defensive, people look to see if there is an Apprentice rerun and when she gives you that weird chipmunk smile, people check their teeth for spinach.   But I thought her weakest moment was not in what she did say  but what she didn't   

I thought the perfect response to the Trump sexist thing would have been the following..   'Donald, you claim to respect women but you've spent the entire night shushing and interrupting me, how about a little bit of chivalry?" 

Take on the Arnold Palmer and Jose Fernandez deaths

The sportsworld woke up to the terrible news of the passing of the Miami Marlins' ace Jose Fernandez who died at 3AM Sunday morning after his speed-boat overturned and we went to sleep with the news of Arnold Palmer passing away late Sunday afternoon.   

Both were major stories which transcended sports as the world mourned Arnold Palmer's greatness and Jose Fernandez's potential but one thing that bothered me was that they were both referred to as tragedies.  

Jose Fernandez was a 24 year old pitcher with the potential to be one of the games best, Arnold had once been a superstar golfer a half a century ago and was still one the sports best ambassadors but he was 87 years old.   There is no tragedy in dying at 87 years old.. I'm sure he left a wife, a bunch of kids and grandkids and for them it's tragic, but for Arnie.. the guy was dubbed The King, ruled the golf world for a decade, had 62 tour wins including 7 majors AND had drink named after him, come on.  

He lived the perfect life, was able to enjoy it all till the end, which from all accounts came quickly and relatively painlessly.    He'll be missed as an ambassador and probably as a great man but his death is not tragic.  

Take on the crying Shark Tank contestant

I've been watching Shark Tank for years and have seen virtually every episode and can say unequivocally that the worse contestants are the ones who cry.  I know the pull-at-the-heart-strings thing probably works sometimes but I find it dreadful and it seems most sharks agree.  This is a show is best when is is about ideas, but some chick starts balling and i want to shoot myself and the TV

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Take on the $1.25 million dollar apartment

I always keep my eyes on the Real Estate section of the Sunday Times, there is this one part where they show about five houses in different areas in the metropolitan area

Today I saw this one, and thought to myself.  If this isn't an indication of a new bubble then I have no idea.  The one bedroom apartment featured has an asking price of $1.25 million, they want 50% down for a one bedroom apt

The location isn't interesting (54th and 5th) PLUS they have maintenance fees of $2500 per month.   You may say that it's in the center of the greatest city in the world but it is also in an area which has no residential feel.  There is an argument that the convenience of being a few blocks from some rich guys office makes it appealing, but why would a rich guy choose to live in a lifeless neighborhood.   This doesn't mean it won't sell, as this apartment will get scooped up by a rich Chinese guy who won't ever live there...and that is where many of the top end NYC apartments are going because no New Yorker with half a brain would think about living in midtown, at any price. 

The monthly carrying costs on this must be outrageous between the mortgage and maintenance although the silver lining would be that with a requirement of 50% down it's not too bad.  

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Take on the Ted Cruz endorsement

If Ted Cruz was anything at all, he was honest and true to his beliefs.  He walked into the GOP convention and didn't care for political expediency or games, he told it like it is.  At Donald Trump's convention, he made the case against Donald Trump, which is either brave or stupid, or both, but it was definitely honest and truthful to what Ted Cruz claimed to be.  But now, with the election counted in weeks not months, it has become blatantly clear that even Ted Cruz can sell his soul to the devil and support a man who chastised him for months with insults to his wife, insinuations about his father and bequeathing him with the   nicknames "Lyin' Ted" and worse than that, outing him as Canadian. 

But Ted Cruz stood strong, when all the others (McCain, Ryan, Carson, Big Chris and the rest jostled in line to get their first grasp of Donald's Trump, until today. Donald Trump just got his biggest rival to felate him on stage which Ted will do happily

So much for True Conservatism 

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Take on those wacky tourists rubbing the bull's balls

For years people have been taking pictures with the iconic bull sitting just off of Wall Street but recently tourists have decided that they need a photo with the better half.   A bunch of random people are caressing the jewels of the bronze bull while showing off their pearly white and taking photos to share on Facebook and Instagram.    I get the desire for some of these folks to play with a gigantic sack but I can't quite see the appeal to it being a metal one.  I guess that maybe people who jerk the giant cow off have gotten some luck in the market and these foreign tourists are hoping for a little luck too but how far are we from one of these folks going down on this thing??

But then again, I don't know why people line up outside of Good Morning America at 5am every day either 

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Take on Bradgelina

I have never seen a bunch of 30 and 40 year olds happier than when the news broke yesterday that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had separated. I cannot quite figure out the fascination but just the sheer joy that came from a certain demographic was deafening. Every tabloid lead with the story, every tweet referenced it and every single chick in her 30's went home to polish up their resumes.

This dude dated Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie, something tells me that they are not interested in you, your weird cat and that extra 20 pounds you have been carrying around.

Take on the Big Bang Theory

I just got a text informing me of some great news...the Big Bang Theory is coming back for a tenth season, and here I thought they had their tenth season like five years ago. The issue is that sitcoms have sucked for years but they have really hit rock bottom when people get excited about this crap

I put sitcoms in two categories
-Ones that are classics like Seinfeld, Three's Company and All in the Family
- everything else

To me you are either great or you are a waste of space and it all started to fall apart when Friends became the number one comedy, at that point you just knew that this country was destined for mediocrity and so now we get How I Met Your Mother fives nights per week on channel 11.

Take on the Emergency alert

Nothing disturbs a quiet morning commute more than forty cellphones buzzing at a high pitch at the exact same time. This isn't the first time and emergency alert has been sent out but most of the time it involves possible
flooding or some 1995 Nissan Maxima. This was different as the entire tri-state area got the equivalent of a wanted poster sent to their cellphones.
But the weirdest thing was not the message itself, it was quite effective considering they had Ahmad Khan Rahami in custody with hung about four hours of it going out but still it felt odd that they never gave us a photo, instead saying we should check out media for a picture

It did turn out that Ahmad, the son of a guy who sold fried chicken, enjoyed his fair share of fried chicken as he looks like he has brushes his teeth with chicken legs and gargles with chicken soup, he is one big boy

Take on the donut ice cream sandwich

I walked into a Dunkin Donuts this week and now realize that it won't be ISIS that will destroy America and it won't even be Trump... It will be gluttony. Dunkin Donuts introduced a donut stuffed with ice cream, which will be a bigger weapon against American virtues than any pipe bomb because our arteries will just explode from the inside, killing us all

Take on the rigged two party system

I don't like Hillary, never have and never will. She's too calculated, too dishonest, too hawkish, too in the pools of the big banks and just too shady but I will vote for her 100% of the time when it is her versus Trump. The issue is that in a democracy in republic, where majority rules, there is no place for a viable third party. With more than two, democracy gets messy because with three or more viable parties, nobody is likely to get a majority which leads to other issues like we are often across the pond. In Europe you have these awkward coalitions which are as fragile as a wine glass and getting anything done messy.
Neither the Green Party or the Libertarians will be participating in the debates which will virtually ensure a status quo come November. More than anything, anybody with half a brain will have to vote for Hillary as the alternative is unthinkable and nobody in their right mind wants that on their conscious

Take on Sky magazine

The next time delta is trying to cut costs to offset fuel charges they shouldn't increase baggage fees or add another line of economy plus, maybe they can get rid of those terrible Sky magazines. These things are 145 pages of pure awfulness, they are not worth the paper they are printed on and the fact that they are printed on some expensive paper, makes them ungodly heavy too, which only adds to the fuel costs.

Take on the Ryan brothers

How can it be that two identical brothers can be so similar yet so different but one thing for sure, they run off on one another. Rex had stated to clean himself up but now he looks like he's a Royal Tenenbaum (or a not so Royal Tannebaum), he has put on all the weight and hopefully he has picked up some of Rob's defensive mindset.
As a Jet fan, nothing pleases me more than when the Bills decided to bring Rob along for the Rex show and it was not because they shared that tandem bike. Why I was happy was that for all of Rex Ryan's defensive scheming and prowess, his fatter identical brother has picked up almost none of it. It's like when they were in the womb, all of Buddy's genius went into the gut of one and the other just got stuck with a gut. Rob flamed out in Dallas and New Orleans and nobody thought he'd deserve another job. His defenses in his last two stops were historically bad yet his big brother decided to give him another shot and we can only hope this thing ends with one Ryan brother bodyslamming the other into a foldable table during this week's tailgate.
I feel badly for that table

Take on Plump Trump

Donald Trump revealed to Dr. Oz that he is not just a fathead, he is a fat.  The GOP nominee said he was 236 pounds which at his listed height of 6'3" makes him clinically overweight, which you have to think he would say would make a rival unfit to be president. 

I have no problem with him being a slob and it isn't all that surprising since he has already admitted that he loves junk food.   The issue is that when he goes vacationing with Putin, he's going to look like a total slob when they go skinny dipping together which will hurt the way our country is seen in the eyes of the world

So our new motto is, we can't elect Trump because he is plump

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Take on the long day on your feet

There is nothing more painful than walking a trade show hall especially when you are coming off of a hard night of boozing. I left my house at 4am this morning, arrived in Chicago at 7:45 and then spent the next 10 hours walking a gigantic trade show and now my feet feel like two gigantic smoked sausages and probably smell like it too
Thee issue is that the trade show is all concrete with only a think crappy rug on the top and it has absolutely no give, so you can just feel you feet getting fatter and fatter with every step you take. Two more days left

Take on the meme

I don't care which internet meme I see, it always seems like I had to be fact regardless of how ridiculous it seems. I have read a hundred different ones and I will undoubtedly try it almost subconsciously. Today I read one about clenching your fist to try to improve memory when you are struggling to remember something and within 2 seconds I'm clenching my fist trying to remember my fifth grade teacher

F you Mrs Moser

Take on Hillary's stumble

Jesus, can somebody please have Hillary's people read TOR?!? We told them yesterday to stay out of the spotlight and let TeflonDon self-implode, but no, they had to get coney and bought the Secretary out to some event in the 90 degree heat and she just about killed herself...and the election
Hillary was being escorted to a waiting van when she stumbled like a drunk 25 year old girl getting into an Uber and immediately the odds of her winning the election dropped 5%. TeflonDon is already calling her out for her low energy and stamina and this won't help any
We need her to rest her mind, body and soul but sadly, now she needs to be out there tomorrow assuring is all that she isn't going to croak on Day 1

Take on the basket of deplorables

When you are a presidential candidate, every word you utter gets picked apart and when you stick you foot in your mouth so far you can kick your own ass, the opposition pounces. Hillary decided that calling half of TeflonDon's supporters "deplorables" was a good for a few laughs and it probably got some in front of a friendly crowd of donors but what she failed to realize is that this basket of deplorables are a huge part of the electorate. She isn't exactly turning them away from her, as those types aren't ever going to be her constituents but it may invigorate them come November and that is one thing we can't afford.
Trump knocks her on her strategy to not say anything to anybody but honestly that is exactly what she should be doing. Let him shove that gigantic foot into his gigantic mouth and then watch him try to pry it out using those little fingers

Take on the soccer coach

I'm coaching youth travel soccer this fall, I don't know anything about soccer.  I wanted my daughter to play some more competitive soccer which meant that I got roped into coaching it.

First of all, it is a heck of a commitment with two practices per week (albeit one of those is done by some British trainer the league hires) plus a game every Sunday.   I've coached a bit of rec soccer and had a blast but that was more or less letting the kids scrimmage and wearing them out so they'd be good for their parents the rest of the day but now I'm in the big time and I don't know a forward from a halfback.   I know the very basic rules of soccer (can't touch the ball with your hands, corner kicks, throw the ball in with two hands without leaving your feet) but don't know a thing about strategy, formations, substitutions etc.    I can't figure out when a player is off sides, up until today I thought a tackle was..well a tackle and I can't tell you what the hell a fullback is and why he isn't blocking the halfback.   Obvious in have no clue about any real soccer skills or drills, and so far my strategy is to let the British guys do all the heavy lifting (assuming they don't show up loaded) and I just sit back and reap the rewards. 

Any help welcome and schtick suggested 

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Take on #TeflonDon

I cannot believe that Hillary has allowed this thing to stay close, so much that I don't think it can't actually possibly be close. She came out of the Democratic Convention and I was sure it was the last we would have seen from Teflon Don but as we have all seen way too many times, he is not one to be underestimated. It is shocking that any person who lacks in qualifications like he does can ever be in the discussion as next commander in chief let alone in shouting distance of actually winning it but as he has proven time and time again, he plays by a different set of rules. The problem is that people like Matt Lauder are so intimidated by him that they just allow him to filibuster his way pat every inaccuracy, embellishment and bold faced lie but it just doesn't matter. He has admitted that he tried to corrupt the system with donations as a businessman, he has insulted war heroes, he has made racially charged remarks, he puts credibility to crazy conspiracy theories and he is morally bankrupt, yet nothing sticks. He is the new TeflonDon and we at TOR will coin #TeflonDon it in our quest to expose this narcissist as the madman he is

Take on the AirPods

Apple announced the latest iPhone to mixed reviews today mostly because people like to complain. The fact that you can now drop it in a puddle and it not screw up the rest of your week is a big positive and some of the other adjustments in the guts seem to be good ones too. But everybody is screaming about those stupid ear AirBuds. Yeah they look cool and not getting that stupid cord tangled every minute will be a positive but a problem that you'd happily have back when you can't find your AirPods because they are exactly the kind of thing that gets totally lost. At $159 a pop, I'm sure you losing them is the biggest part of Apple's business plan

Luckily when you do have AirPods (identified as he first five days after buying the new siphoned and that week ibetween buying a new pair and losing said new pair, you will get beautiful interference free bluetooth music... Oh wait

Take on the receiver less pay-phones

I have been seeing more pay-phones hanging in restaurants as obvious decoration as their receivers have been cut off. I can't quite figure out why the restauranteurs have any interest in this kind of wall decoration, it certainly isn't old enough to be some cool antique relic and without the receiver it's just a big hunk of metal and plastic. I know the city was going to convert a bunch of them to wifi stations, but I doubt they would do this inside of a private establishment, so I can only imagine this is an example of a company not wanting to spend the money repairing the wall. Kind of like how I still have a dish on my roof which I desperately want to get removed but the fear of actually causing some kind of roof damage is terrifying, so it stays up year after year

Take on the 14 hour flight

I'm probably a month or so away from my next Asian trip but when I saw a random @skyhoppr retweet about two types of travelers, it sort of hit home. I'm the ultra connected type, checking my phone as the last thing I do before going to bed and be first thing I do when I wake up but even I love the idea of 14 hours of peace and quiet. I love WiFi on a flight but somehow I love no WiFi on a flight even more.

Take on those weird Trumpletts

The latest post released on the very much unreadable Twitter account of Donald J Trump Jr. Is maybe the most bizarre one yet. It shows Little Don, hot Ivanka and weird Eric in what can only be described as either a hostage photo. The three of them look like their dad made them get in front of the camera to take this bizarre photo or threaten them with taking their allowance away and that only sounds like I made it up.
The three of them have this weird glaze I've their eyes and I've been looking for clues that they are, in fact, there willingly which is hard to tell. What I can tell is that Ivanka is starting to look weathered, Little Don looks like he might be the kind of guy who tells a chick he's not wearing underwear and Eric looks like he might have been caught stealing an Easter peep and is using his five hole to hide it from his mom. He just looks like he is quenching his ass cheeks together so incredibly hard

Take on the Sam Bradford trade

I'm not Sam Bradford fan but on a team with ADP and a pretty good defense, I think he can be sort of not terrible. My buddy was trying to convince me otherwise all day today saying he had football smarts and a knack for making the right okay and he has an above average completion percentage and he doesn't turn the ball over and whatever, this is the same guy who has finished dead last in our fantasy football league like five out of the last six years, so I'm not so sure.
What shocked me though is that Sam Bradford was trade for a top draft pick for the second time in two years. This is a guy who last year in a Chip Kelly offense threw for only 19 touch downs and still managed to throw 14 picks. Yeah he has a good completion percentage but his QB rating is in the low 80's. Why the hell would the Vikings give up a first round pick for this guy, he's not any better than Josh McCown who is probably sitting on his couch waiting for anybody to call.

Take on the Hillary email Investigation

I'm sure I'm not the only cynic who noted the timing of the much anticipated release of the FBI summary of the Hillary Clinton email investigation. Releasing something on the Friday before Labor Day reeks of shenanigans. They've had the information for months and it had to come out before the election but releasing it on the Friday before the unofficial end of summer is just rotten. I'm sure that Clinton is, at minimum, guilty of using poor judgement and possibly guilty of more and this needs to come out before the voters come to the polls so burying it on a day like this is exactly the reason people despise Hill and Bill.
This won't change my vote, but I certainly wouldn't be unhappy if Clinton resigned the day after she is elected and Tim Kaine takes over, his crooked Joker smile and all

Take on the Citibank ATM

Nothing annoys me more than the new Citibank chip ATM machines because there is no way to move a transaction through quickly. See you insert your chip card and the screen will tell you to take it out and the. When it is out it gives you a new message to re-insert it the entire way into the slot. It's as if you to wake the machine in order for it to give you instruction on how to use the chip card which is beyond frustration. In a world where time is money, taking out money is costing me money, and time.
Just let me insert the chip card from the first screen and we'll be good but this double insertion this is madness