Take on the unexpected consequence of a bike sharing program

I am all for getting people to get out of their cars, cabs and
subways, to exercise and the Citibike thing seems like it's heart is
in the right place. What I am having a hard time with is that since
they started this program a month ago, the consequence is that you now
have thousands of shitty bikers on the road.
Biking within manhattan has long been reserved for bike messengers and
the few odd characters on foldable bikes but with the introduction of
the Citibike sharing program that oasis of cabs, potholes, headphone
wearing pedestrians, horse and buggies and NY buses has now been
opened up to thousands of New Yorkers. I cannot tell you how many
times I have been nearly run over by one of these idiots, who have no
wherewithal of the streets, traffic or ebb-and-flow of people crossing
the streets. It's like they get on their old-lady bikes with their
three speeds and all of a sudden forget that they are in a major city.
These clowns act like they are going through a casual Sunday ride
through the park

Forget paying $60 per year, or whatever, how about giving theater
idiots a few bike lessons first

Take on the Pret a manger scam

I have been going to Pret a Manger once or twice per week since they
opened next to my office. They make some decent breakfast food, are
fairly quick and you can walk out of there for less than $3 if you
play your cards right. Then, last week, when I walked in, I noticed a
sign saying that the egg and roasted tomato sandwich had a new recipe.
I didn't think much of it, till I got to the cash register and they
rang me up for $3.26 including tax. As I mentioned before, one of
the beauties of this place was that you could get out for under $3,
but all of a sudden, I was scrambling for a quarter and a penny.

Last week they priced this sandwich at $2.79 but this week, under the
guise of a 'new recipe', they bumped it up to $2.99. I must tell you
that the $2.99 version tasted, looked and felt exactly like the $2.79
version, so I am sure they just added a pinch of water to the mix, so
they could justify their new recipe. And here I am, paying an extra
$0.27 for that pinch of air.

Take on true love

Most people feel like they need to put old battles away when they get
older while others hold grudges. Some feel like they need to confess
before they meet their Maker and yet others will go to the grave with
all of it
Years ago when I was still in my twenties and the world still looked
up, I found myself in the bathroom of a girl I was dating. Having had
too much wheat beer the night before, I was met with an awful dilemma:
stink up the bathroom or try to make a run for it to the nearest diner
or bodega. I knew I did not have a lot of time, so opted for the
former, knowing I'd probably spend twenty minutes in there sweating
while burning matches, spraying perfume and repeatedly flushing.
I dreaded the inevitable "are you ok in there" question, which always
comes when you are first dating somebody. The problem was, like most
apartments in NYC, there was one bathroom and as she was in her mid
twenties, she was sharing the apartment (and bathroom) with a roommate
or two. So now, here I am locked in a four by four room, with no easy
escape route and worst yet a stomach doing flips. Even still, I had
no problems doing my business and as I stood up I noticed this was not
the kind that would easily flush especially cause I piled a small free
worth of toilet paper into it afterwards
I flushed and prayed that I wouldn't cause a flood, and as I saw it
start to struggle, I reached in with bare hands and pulled away half
the amazon rain forest. Luckily, after a couple of hiccups, the
toilet took and I was out of the woods. The stench still hovered and
I burned a pack or two of matches which only made the small room smell
like sulfuric ass juice. It was like 8am -which back then felt like
5am- and figured nobody would be up, so I decide to wait out the
stink.

I picked up a copy of Marie Claire noticing an article about some dude
working in White Plains who tried to seek out chicks willing to allow
the five hole
I sprayed some perfume, which only made the place smell like
strawberry sulfur wheat beer soggy dog but I have time.

And then comes the knock...
"You ok in there?"

"Yeah, just deleting some contacts on my Razr"

"Ok, let me know if you need something"

"Sure, be out in two minutes"


I get up but have trouble standing because m legs fall asleep sitting
for so long. I can hardly stand, the stench is overpowering and I am
convinced the hairspray I tried to use to cover it up had made me
high.

Knock
"You coming out?"

I clean myself up, look in the mirror and take a deep breath. look
down to make sure all is clean and horrified to notice that I've left
massive streaks all over the bowl. I'm talking Indianapolis 500 type
streaks which run from the top of the porcelain all the way to the
bottom.


Knock knock
"(Redacted) really has to go to the bathroom, can you come out"


All the burning matches must have hardened the streaks like a curing
oven and even four or five more flushes wasn't removing it.
I search frantically for a brush, but can't find one.

Knock Knock
"Righetti, are you ok?"

WHO THE HELL DOESN'T HAVE A TOILET BRUSH, THEY COST $1.99 AT THE
HARDWARE STORE!!!!

"Hello?!?"


So here I am, completely desperate, soaked in sweat, breathing in
sulfur and some Christian Dior ripoff perfume and staring at my ass
remnants smeared on like a three year old's painting

Knock knock know
"(redacted) is going to get a UTI"

I am desperate, so do what any overweight dude who never gets laid
would; grab a random toothbrush out of the bin, shove my hand deep
into the toilet, holding my breath and rubbing it clean better than
any dentist could have

I rinse my hands, dry them on the roommates face towel and walk out
looking like I just ran the marathon.

take on the Philadelphia baseball scene

There are day's when I think the front page of the tabloids probably write themselves.   Today's Philadelphia Inquiry probably should have screamed "forget first base, this couple is going for the home-run" 

When I read the article about some couple in Pennsylvania having been caught having sex on a kid's baseball diamond, I figured people would be up in arms.   The issue I had was immediate disgust, but not because of the thought of having some little-league team walk into two people having sex between the white lines.  I was disgusted because the mental image of Jimmy Rollins plowing the Philly Phanatic in the 90 degree humidity,  is enough to scare an entire community into abstinence.    From the picture in today's Daily News, it looks like he was hammering away at 400 pounds of pure woman, which in-itself must feel like hitting for the cycle, although if he choked up on his bat he may never have gotten anywhere near her pitching mound.  I just hope he was wearing a batting helmet..

I hope they get thrown in the pen for 2 years with no chance of being called up, because that is some disgraceful play on the field.  

Take on the new level of spam

Somehow spammers have started to use a new method of reaching you.
Today, I get an IPhone calendar invitation from somebody who I have
never met. So unless I am being mistaken for either Snowden or Julian
Assange this is spam, because as far as I know, TOR doesn't spend much
time on leakers. Then again we do spend a lot of time on homeless
people taking leaks, so maybe this was an honest mistake

Take on the city roach

In most of the country, people are talking about those 17 year cicadas
but in NYC the only thing I keep seeing are these 17 pound roaches. I
cannot tell you, how many of these things I stepped over the last few
weeks. People in the country have no idea how humongous these things
get when they are fed a steady diet of NYC trash. It's like walking
into a roach morgue when you are crossing manhattan. Then again, I am
glad to report that they have all been dead, so unlike those
disgusting poodle sizes rats in the subway, at least somehow these
filthy animals are getting slaughtered

Take on the humidity

There are not a lot of days in the year, I dread more than the first
real humid ones in NYC. The air is thick, the garbage stench is
unbearable and the chicks in their sun-dresses from last week have all
hidden out inside their air-conditioned offices
Just look around today when the midday temps hit the mid 90's and the
humidity felt like it was 70%, every person looked miserable. The
dudes because a button down shirt becomes a sweat mop and the chicks
because their hair starts to resemble a mop

September can't come soon enough.

Take on the sleeve tattoo

A hidden treasure isn't bad, a little butterfly in a well placed spot
can be incredibly sexy and every guy will admit that even a
tramp-stamp is hot. But I don't get why a chick would ink up her arm
like she's a Picasso canvas cause There really is nothing less
attractive than a tattoo sleeve on a hot chick. It comes across as
completely trashy and cheap and un-hireable past a job working the
pole, but more importantly it just doesn't look good. I spent 8 days
on the beach last week and I saw more bad ink on chicks than anybody
should be subjected to in a lifetime. It's as if these chicks are
wearing billboards that read "don't respect me, cause I don't care
anyway". It just screams 'teenage runaway' and makes any chick looks
cheap and easy
My rule is that chicks should expose as much skin as they can whether
that is based on clothing or tattoos.

Take on the hand stamp

I would have been very happy to never have to wake up one morning with
some stupid stamp on my hand, but somehow this morning, I woke up in
just that predicament
I'm annoyed by it for two reasons. One because it meant I spent hard
earned money at a bar which I had to basically beg to get into.
Secondly, because the ink they use for this stuff is impossible to get
off. It's like they infuse the stuff with tattoo ink because I've
spent two hours rubbing my hand like a crack addict

take on the Sportsguy's complexion

I'm as big a fan of The Sportsguy as anybody but never quite understood ESPN's desire to feature him in anything other than in roles within his wheelhouse.    He's great in the mailbag, Grantland is a must-read, I follow him on Twitter and the 30 for 30's are generally very good but when you get this guy in front of the camera, it sounds like listening to Mickey Mouse.   It never worked with Kimmel and it doesn't work for the NBA studio show..  For a network completely fixated on appearance, they have a guy who has one of the worst voices for TV, yet nobody at the Worldwide Leader seems to care.

But even if you can get past the falsetto, he's now become odd to also look at.    I don't know if it was the South Beach sun but this dude looks like that tan-mom.  His entire complexion has turned from a normal white-guy to a weird orange.

Somebody get him off the tanning bed and back into his basement, coming up for a reason why they would have ever had Jake Taylor bat second for the Indians.. he's got sixth hitter written all over him. 

--

take on the "you're going to like the way you look" guy

When I heard the news that The Men's Wearhouse killed George Zimmer, the 'you are going to like the way you look" guy, I was a bit disappointed.   Firing this guy seems like the equivalent of getting rid of the "we'll leave the light on for you"  guy because in both cases the dude's voice has become synonymous with the brand.

Then again, I really can't stand this store, I've never walked into that place and not felt like I was being banged.   When I went for my wedding, half the groomsmen were wearing a slightly different shade of shirt, so half of them looked like they hadn't been laundered (which for most of those guys is probably not far from the truth normally).     

then again maybe he has a closet full of skeletons like he is a kiddie toucher or a porn addict or something and that didn't fit with their wholesome image.    Honestly, you can't ever trust a dude with a beard.

I really think they got rid of him because his name is too close to the dude who shot Trayvon. 

  

Take on the vacation shirt

On my never ending list of "lame things white people do," I'd like to
add one more
I never quite got the appeal of wearing a shirt or hat with the
vacation spot while on said vacation. For eight days, I have watched
overweight balding dads sport an "I heart Puerto Rico" shirts and I
wonder if they just forgot to pack a suitcase. I -sort of- get,
wearing a vacation destination shirt when you are home, but wearing a
shirt which says Virginia Beach while in Virginia Beach is sad on so
many levels. This has to be a white person phenomenon because anybody
with any sense of style would realize wearing a purple Puerto Rico
shirt with green and yellow Bermuda shorts is wrong on so many levels.

It's the same reason Major League Baseball teams don't wear the city
they play for when at home, the home jerseys will say Mets or Phillies
while the road ones will say New York or Philadelphia Everybody
knows that they are where they are already.

Take on the Google Suggestion

I am often a big freaked out by Google's ability to suggest something
to me as I am typing something in the search-bar. It's almost more
impressive when, what they suggest, is more interesting to me than
what I came to look for. But unlike the NSA, most Americans seem more
than happy to five up all their privacy when it comes to finding a
great pair of beach slippers or a cheap Thai restaurant
But every once in a while, I get confused by the suggestion they have
for me. Like today, when I searched "designation wedding" looking
for a good picture to add to a yet-to-be-written TOR entry. Along
with a thousand pictures of nuptial exchanges on the beach, there was
an odd Google Suggestion. Namely, were you intending to search for
"black designation wedding?"

I clicked on the link, because I did not realize that there was this
thing as a black destination wedding, and wanted to see how this
differed from your standard destination wedding. Maybe they play less
John Mayer or eat less sushi or maybe African American's are more
likely to make their friends and family shell out thousands of dollars
to watch them exchange vows, so that type of wedding needs its own
search page, but I needed to know


Turns out, Black couples love to have destination weddings, or at
minimum post pictures.

I wonder how the google bots name them, because none of the pictures
were titled "black wedding"
Maybe they just scan all pictures of and find black people on the
beach and automatically group them together?

Take on the Dutch Wedding guests

Weddings in Holland are like wedding nowhere in the world. It's not
only that they lack most basic etiquette but it's the only place
where it is perfectly acceptable, and somewhat expected, for the
guests to try to upstage the bride, and it is usually done by the men.
Dutch wedding guest will often show up looking like they got
dressed in a dark closet, with mismatched clothing from head to toe.
It is common for a wedding photo of the guests to show some guy
dressed in a suit standing next to another guy in orange shorts and a
purple shirt and having a conversation with a third guy wearing a
green blazer and red pants. For some reason, European style has been
lost to the entire country, with people routinely wearing tube socks
with slacks, Hawaiian shirts with suits and trying to outdo one
another trying to squeeze the most color onto any particular outfit.
It's like going to a water park and seeing all the awful tattoo
sleeves and back art
I think, that because they all look alike, they want to easily be able
to find themselves in a Where's Waldo Photo later

Take on the MacBook Deejay

I remember being a kid and thinking that deejays were the coolest guys
in the planet. These guys knew the latest music, were at all the best
clubs and parties and probably got the hottest chicks. But somehow
when two turntables and a microphone got traded in for an MP3 player
and a YouTube playlist, everything changed. Last night, at a
wedding, the music was provided by two twenty-something nerds Long
gone were good party songs built on their intuition and instead we got
4 hours of techno played off a MacBook Air It's not that techno sucks
(which it does) but when the wedding party is made up of guys and
girls in their mid-to-late thirties, you gotta realize the Don't Stop
Believin' mashup isn't going to go well. You have to check out your
audience and realize that if the 'kids' aren't enjoying it and the
parents are stopping like flies, you are doing something wrong. I
have never been at a party where at at any given point 80 to 90
percent of the audience are hanging outside but that seemed to be lost
on these dweebs.

Take on the Father of the Year dissolutions

Four years ago, I had these dissolutions where I was still convinced that someday I'd win father of the year.   I'd never yell at my kids, they'd only eat organic fresh grown food and most importantly, I would never be the dad who broke out the iPhone at dinner.  Fast forward four years and I've long come to grips with the fact that I will come up short on most of the promises I made for the future generation.  I have become my own worst nightmare and unapologetically so.   I feed my kids pizza at restaurants as opposed to going home to cook, I sometimes keep my eyes shut hoping they think I am sleeping, I lose my temper almost daily over the most trivial crap like putting shoes on and most embarrassingly, I resort to my IPad whenever it gets too hard.  This $600 machine is fully loaded with videos, games and apps, all for the 3-5 age group.  Years ago, I lead the army criticizing uninvolved couples who did this, always demeaning their love and commitment to their kids because they fell back to props to care for them. With ADD on the rise, and kids addicted to the glowing screen, I was going to break the mold, I wouldn't cave because I'd care more for my kids than anybody else could care for theirs.  I felt justified because I knew I'd never resort to such cheap careless tactics yet today I lead the opposing army. 

My kid watched 4 hours of various ToyStory's on the plane ride to PR this week.  She will undoubtedly watch countless more before the trip is done.  

But at least I find time to blog 

Sent from my iPhone

Take one the half used roll

There is something I never quite understood about hotels: how do they
provide you with a full toilet paper roll every morning? At home, you
go until your roll is done, but at any decent hotel you never come
close to the recycled paper. I always figured that the Hyatt and
Hilton chains are using cheap immigrant labor to reroll toilet paper
rolls or selling them at flea markets.
Then again maybe they just donate them to the poor. I can see it now,
like the Seinfeld episode with the muffin-tops, a bunch of homeless
people, getting free toilet paper, revolt because they are only half
full
I just thank the good lord that I'm not forced to accept that indignity


Sent from my iPhone

Take on the IPad photographers

Is there a more ridiculous concept than seeing some idiot tourist
taking a photo with an IPad in the middle of Times Square? I walk
through this tourist hell-hole every day, and have long stopped giving
a crap that I may be walking though somebody's memory. It's not that
I hate photos, it's that I hate people clogging up my commute, trying
to get the perfect picture of their girlfriend sporting an I <3 NY
shirt with a guy paying guitar in his underoos.
But when I see the same scene with a guy using a tablet for his
perfect shot, I purposely walk right into the picture and, if timing
is right, pull my work pants down just far enough to make sure there
is a perfect moon in their daytime photo for them to show all their
friends in Omaha, Oklahoma or Osaka

How is that for a naked cowboy?

Take on Deltalina

Delta Airlines finally replaced the redhead with the crazy eyes in
their safety video. This chick was half Joanie from Madmen and half a
plastic surgery gone wrong after-school special but the combo was
intriguing. Frequent fliers will remember her well and although her
replacement us younger and hotter, Deltalina will always have a soft
spot in out hearts. Maybe it was the raised cheek bones, maybe the
weird eye or maybe it was the gigantic mouth but this chick made you
want to listen. She'd wave this finger in your face a la Bill
Clinton, she'd wink at you with her glass eye and she's threaten you
for using your IPhone but she did it with such vigor and passion, you
had to be turned on. You'd imagine she'd berate you during a moment
of mile high passion, but it didn't bother you.

RIP Deltalina

Take on Peter Hamilton's Great North Road

I get all these emails from Amazon asking me to review various things I buy.   I always wonder how I am supposed to review 12 Bounty Towel rolls or a pair of athletic socks.   

"the box of 12 gallon Hefty Garbage Bags I bought were...12 gallon Hefty Garbage Bags, they were black and plastic, just like the ones I would buy at Target"

well today I get an email asking to review a book, but the way it popped up on my Iphone, I sounded a lot more interesting than what it wound up being

the email asking me to review some book by Peter F. Hamilton called Great North Road but the way I popped up on my IPhone it looked like they were asking me to review the new Peter North book, which, I am sure, would be much more interesting read.  

But instead, I'll have to check off a one-star for this miserable read and will probably add the following comment

"thought this was the Peter North book called Great F Road, which really would have been a lot better"

Take on the condom umbrella

Is there anything more ridiculous looking than those dome umbrellas?
I get that not poking somebody in the eye with a spoke has some value,
but really at the price if looking like an idiot has to count for
something.
I hear that chick's get all worried about frizzy hair, but you have to
be kidding me because if you are so concerned about your look, putting
a rubber on your head doesn't seem like a good solution

Can't wait till they draw a smiley face on the front

Take on the Chick Drink

I am not exactly sure where the line between a girls or guys drink,
but I am pretty sure I have identified one. At a bar, no dude should
ever order a vodka cranberry, tequila sunrise or some fruity martini
and a chick probably shouldn't order a Jack Tripper
Well if the lines at a bar seem obvious, then the ones at Starbucks
should be crystal clear, but somehow people aren't getting the message
because some dude named Mike order a Venti Vanilla no water skim milk
chai today.

Three is a sign that kid's drinks are for 12 year old kids and younger
only, they should do the same with the speciality drinks

There is no place, on this great green earth, where this is acceptable
for a dude to order some specialty coffee. A dude can order one
thing and one thing only: coffee. No whip cream, no chai, no skim,
no nothing. You drink your coffee black, that's it

Take on The Globe Institute

I am stroll trying to figure out why I didn't go to The Globe
Institute for my after high school degree. I have absolutely no idea
what this place even offers in terms of academic proficiency but the
subway posters are intriguing. The entire institute seems to be set
up to put chicks into the stripper costumes with its two programs: hot
nurses and supermodels. The chick in the ad is prancing around with a
hospital smock on the top and a miniskirt and four inch heels at the
bottom. If this doesn't have. "Featured Dancer" written all over it,
I don't know what would

But let us be serious, these ads are likely fronts for the recruitment
of new talent for porn. All these broken girls have this dream of
going back to school, so what better way to get them in the door. You
just know the dean of the Globe Institute has a mustache and a casting
couch set up in his office

Take on the subway smell

Somebody asked me if I missed taking the subway regularly, the other day.

Having moved out of NYC about a year ago, I've obviously cut down my
subway time dramatically. I sort of miss it some days, but mostly
thank the good god that I so not have to be subjected to too much of
it. I can still easily rattle off virtually every stop on the
downtown, but what I had forgotten was the smell of urine and sweat
that hits you when you first walk onto the platform during the summer
months l. I get down there today and the entire station smells like
a that fat turd Jared croked on a footlong and died down there

It has always been a problem, when the weather gets hot, since there
is no good circulation. The stagnant air just gets filtered through
the hot and sweaty bodies and the remnants of some 23 year old's
Thursday Night are splattered all over the floor and is now running
into the piss of a homeless guy

So no, I don't miss the Subway

Take on the Delta Partner Flight Attendants

When I got an email from Delta announcing the 'exciting news' about their partnerships in the sky, I was hoping that they'd introduce an official mile-high club benefit or offering free upgrades on all flights to their most loyal customers.  Instead I was told that I'd be earning less miles when flying some of their partners under the pretense that I was getting something.  

What was more depressing was the picture they posted along with the press-release showing what can only be described as some of the least attractive, fattest ankled pigs this side of an all-chick biker bar.  I know that airlines are making a concerted effort to move away from the sexism associated with the traditional stewardess, but this is getting ridiculous.  First of all, you can't have it both ways, if you want to move away from this sexism, you can't post a picture of only women because that proves you are no better than the cat-calling businessmen flying your airline.   But honestly the hypocrisy doesn't bother me nearly as much as the fact that the entire group looks as beat-up as their fleets.. If you are going to go through this exercise, at least make them attractive, even if it's just to fulfill our fantasy since we all know that the average flight-attendant on the US based airlines, now eats dinner at 5pm and can get into a movie at a reduced rate.

And because I know you are waiting for it

9-3-15-11-8-10-6-16-1-4-14-2-7-12-5-13

here is a copy of the link, for you to make your own http://content.delta.com/content/www/en_US/skymiles/earn-miles/earn-miles-with-partners/airlines.damAsset.20130307T153754622Z.html/content/dam/delta-www/hero/hero-b/1/airline-partner-flight-attendants.jpg

Take on the state committee primary

When I got a mailed ballot for elections in NJ, I didn't think much of
it and wasn't sure if it's even bother to vote as it is just at
primary and I know nothing about any of the candidates
What did catch my eye was the weird fact that they have separate spots
for male and female members of state committee. I am all for
representative government but categorizing, what seem like, worthy
candidates, based only on gender seems like it should belong in some
1950s world.

We don't separate white from black wide receivers for the Pro Bowl or
Latinos vs Cornhuskers in baseball (except for the WBC) or women and
men on national ballot boxes, so why is this acceptable?

I am pretty sure the GOP does not separate along sexual lines

Take on Google Glass

Google Glass got a lot less interesting when they decided that it was
going to be released to Communist China only. Well not exactly, but
when they decided to not allow for porn on them, it went from a
possible great American invention to another example of our futility
as a country. If this isn't the prime example of the terrorists
winning, then I don't know what is, because we stand for more than
that and nobody should deprive a meat eating, beer guzzling, calorie
hog from being able to goggle at naked women. Google claims they
don't do evil, but if censorship isn't evil then I don't know what
is!!

Obama better get off his white horse and get involved here, because
his entire presidential legacy will be defined by censorship and
tyranny, if he doesn't.

Take on Slow Children

I always wonder why some of the most basic billboards and menus lack
proper punctuation. Yesterday, while driving through some nameless
suburb, I come across a street sign which reads 'slow children'
Is the sign supposed to bring attention to a child with developmental
issues, because that is the way it reads, or just a poorly designed
one lacking punctuation?. I have to think that they are not talking
about mental retardation, but instead, just warning drivers to beware
of children at play.


The irony, of course, is that TOR is infamous for the lack of commas.

Take on the Flawed Fired Escape Plan

I never quite understood the signs they have in hotels telling you to
take the stairs in case of a fire because the accompanying picture has
the little black guy walking directly into the big red flame. It is
as if they are basically steering people into the pit of hell, like
those escalators to nowhere. Maybe this is the kind of population
control, Big Fire is aiming at.

I will say this, if I ever get stuck in a fire, I will use common
sense and NOT follow the directions asking me to walk right into the
flames, but thanks for the message

Take on the unmanned toll booths

A while back, they decided to ditch the cash lanes and manned
toll-booths on the Hudson Bridge crossing from Manhattan into the
Bronx. This was a great thought because it meant that everybody would
cruise through, not holding up crazy traffic all the way back to 42nd
street
All tolls are now paid by EZ-Pass or otherwise with a bill sent in the
mail and traffic has never run smoother. The issue is that for some
reason they only open two lanes at a time, so although the theory is
to keep traffic moving, they actually so the reverse

Idiots