Take on San Juan Don

Our president took to Twitter today to attack the mayor of San Juan, a woman who spent the day waist deep in water trying to make sure her people were accounted for. He is impotent without this and this will be his Katrina with him trying to convince the world that the devastation on that island is nothing more than a nuisance which the FakeNews isn't giving him credit for.
But was was conspicuous today was the 6 hour Twitter break that happened right in the. Idle of the day. What could our president have been doing at his private course in Nj all day?!??

Take on Biden's manspreading

Joe Biden, Jill Biden, Barack Obama and Prince Harry (not sure he has a last name) all hung out together at the Invictus games in Toronto today and the internet blew up. It's a cool event and it's awesome to see Obama and Harry look like they genuinely like each other but what was the most striking thing from the photo was the level of manspreading Joe Biden is doing. This dude has poor Jill Biden basically forced upon Obama's lap with his double wide seating. And Obama seems to be forcing Jill Biden back with his own level of manspreading

Anyway, good cause, good times, Trump sucks

Take on the Trump Tax cut

Is there anything less believable than Trump claiming his new tax plan won't benefit him. We all know that nobody will benefit more than Trump, he's basically become president for the sole purpose of enriching himself and he'll find every loophole, tax haven, foreign investment to make sure he pays as little as humanly possibly. The craziest thing is that whenever people talk about tax changes, they say they want to cut taxes and close loopholes and end deductions. The way that super rich guys keep a lot of their money is by giving them loopholes and deductions. So now you will just give it to them up front and out their accountants out of business, which is fine but doesn't accomplish much
But of course, the morons who believe that Trump is actually in this for them are the ones that don't believe he'll benefit from this personally because he told them so
God he's an awful human

Take on Tom Price

As somebody who flies a fair amount of commercial throughout a year, I feel for Tom Price. He doesn't like delays, missed connections and taking his shoes off but like the rest of the country, this is what he has to deal with.

He, of course, is not doing this, he's flying private planes and racking up a huge tax bill and it seems to mean nothing to Mr Price.

His assistant though had the best line of the day

"This is Secretary Price, getting outside of D.C., making sure he is connected with the real American people," said Charmaine Yoest

If he wants to meet real Americans, there is no better place than to do it right in terminal B at LaGuardia, you can get so close you can smell your fellow Americans.

Take on Old John McCain

The big news came out today that the Graham-Cassidy bill was dead, something we all knew when John McCain once again rose from the dead to stab it in the heart. John McCain, in the twilight of his career has been more like John McCain in the first and second acts than the third one. You remember the third one where a man of immense pride, character and fortitude decided on hiring the second least qualified person to ever hold an office is this country with "president" in its title. That third act was the Greek tragedy but the fourth has shown McCain to be a hero and gives this country's most needy the help they desperately need...and deserve

So here's to old John, making enemies all the way to the Maverick hall of fame

Take on Woody Johnson

Basically every single NFL owner has made a statement disavowing themselves from the statements Donald J Duck has made against NFL players kneeling during the national anthem. Guess whose favorite team has yet to release a statement?? Yeah you guessed it, not only do I root for a team who can't win anything on the field, they screw everything up off the field, too. This was a chip shot field goal and that blustering moron, "I can't get a" Woody Johnson was deafening in his silence. This is what you get when a rich spoiled brat gets to run his very own football team, you get a product which sucks on the outside and is rotten on the inside.
Hey Woody, the Jets suck and so do you.

Take on Mnuchin.

Steve Mnuchin is a special type of weasel, he's the kind of dork that got shoved in his locker by a freshman girl and still can't get out. I don't care that he's uber rich, he's an uber dork and probably still wears superman underoos

What is most infuriating is that this guy gets up today that (black) people don't have the right to protest on their owner's time, a point which many morons have been trying to make. Maybe these Trumpettes need a quick lesson on the freedom of speech, we know Trump himself doesn't care about it unless it involves nazis and skinheads but Mnuchin can't seem to take his bosses wiener out of his mouth.
Mnuchin made it a point that players should do this on their own time, sort of like he should have maybe flown to Kentucky to see the eclipse on his own time instead of trying to wrap some bullshit government business around it

He sucks
His boss sucks
They all suck

Take on the Steph Curry 3 ball

Steph Curry just drained a three from 3000 miles away right on POTUS and all Trump could do was whine about it. I hate Steph Curry, I hate that he chews on that mouth guard like it's a piece of Big League Chew, I hate his ugly sneakers, I hate his ugly haircut, I hate the Warrior but I hate Trump more.

Butt hurt Trump is really the best kind of Trump, he is so easily offended that almost any snub or push can get him to go off the rails.
When Trump rescinded his invite to Curry, everybody in the world laughed because it was the equivalent of somebody saying they aren't going to come to your crappy party and then you disinviting them which is lame if you are a 16 year old girl but a sign of being mentally unstable if you are an adult man.

Great job electing this guy, America.

Take on the Pink Balloon

Melanie spoke up against bullying earlier this week seeming to forget the biggest bully is the one who cuddles up to her every night.

What was more striking than even that was the horrible pink balloon she was wearing. This is a woman who, if nothing else, always looks good. She shows up at a Hurricane with 4 inch Jimmy Choos, she's got a closet full of skin tight dresses and she makes Mnuchin's wife look like she shops at Walmart
But this week it was Melanie who looked like the chick from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. She looks like she ate Donald Trump and then had a terrible allergic reaction

please stop embarrassing our country.

Take on Aaron Hernandez

News came out today that Aaron Hernandez's lawyer says that the CTE they observed in him is the most severe they have ever seen. Notice two things, this statement came from his lawyer, not the doctor and realize that Aaron Hernandez's estate is broke

He may very well have had CTE but if his lawyer will use this to try to explain his behavior in not biting. Aaron Hernandez was a bad dude way before he got to the NFL, why else would he have dropped so far down in the draft.
I'm sure that he did have CTE but I'm also sure he has more skeletons in his closet than Odin Lloyd and he started collecting those skeletons way before he got to Foxborough

Take on the Surgeon General

The US Surgeon General sent out a tweet yesterday which was basically innocuous but caught our attention for two reasons

- who knew we still had a surgeon general. Sort of thought they retired the position when C Everett Koop died. Kind of like retiring #42 throughout baseball

- can these guys at least put a photo up that doesn't look like it was taken with mayonnaise all over the lens. This is 2017 and everybody has a 10mb camera in their pocket. Come on people

Take on Little Don's secret service protection

So Little Don's secret service protection has been ended as has Kellyanne Conway and we see all scratching our heads to why.

There are four likely scenarios

- Little Don is trying to save US Tax payers money

- Little Do wants some privacy for completely legitimate reasons

- Little Don knows that what I observed by USSS can be used against him

- Little Don really is Fredo and Michael isn't happy.


I'm going with 3.

Take on Paul Walnuts

Imagine the shock you would be in if eight years here was a report of David Axelrod being wire tapped under an FBI investigation. You would think the entire thing was either ludicrous or we were setting ourselves up for another grassy knoll.
But with Donald Trump it won't even any on the front page for more than a few hours. Americans just don't care. We claim we are all about values and swamp draining while in fact we're all about celebrity worship. Donald J Duck is a celebrity and we don't want to see a flaw and certainly are not ready to turn off his Truman Show. Why else would this investigation into Pauly Walnuts Manafort have no life to it? Yeah a bunch of us are screaming but it all just gets lost in the wide void. Trump is a master of deflection and has mastered the art of avoiding responsibility and his followers are proving time and time again to be nothing but blind sheep. The problem is that there are 43 million of them

Take on Rocket Man

The guy gave us Little Marco, Crooked Hillary and low energy Jeb! so it is no surprise that he came up with a doozie for Kim Jong Un. I'm not quite sure what the "rocket man" name is really meant to be but I'm sure Trump thinks it's good. Our boy Elton John must be proud of the way his words are being used and in a way it sounds a bit more like a compliment than an insult but what the heck do we know.

Take on Uber

I stopped using Uber a while ago and switched to Lyft because the CEO was a miserable slob. I usually don't care about corporate boards but there are a few exceptions including Uber, Snapple and Chick Fil-A but when he was ousted, I thought about going back to start using them. The issue with Uber actually goes deeper than Travis Kalanick, their entire culture was misogynistic, so I wanted to see the next step and took note when they let out that they were looking for a female CEO. I believe it should be a position where qualifications are paramount but like the Rooney Rule, one where people have to be given a fair shot.

The headline in the Post today said "Uber's search for a female CEO has been narrowed down to 3 men"
Nice job boys

Take on the boob sports guy

Some yuck yuck sportsguy went on CNN today to discuss the Jemele Hill "controversy" and proceeded to tell he host that he only appreciates the first amendment and boobs. Everybody was up in arm about this guy but I have to imagine that if you bring on Don Imus or Craig Carton or Howard Stern to comment on media, you might get the same kind of thing. Yeah it's juvenile, it's inappropriate and it's actually kind of lame but it's exactly what you expect from a guy doing morning drive in Columbus or wherever.
Why bothers me more is that this guy has a name that is two first names, that kind of guy usually shows up at a party and takes off his pants and proceeds to lose a shoe

take on the Mnunchin wedding photo

the world is up in arms about Steve Mnuchin requesting to use an official government plane for his honeymoon earlier this summer.   A revelation which came to surface a few weeks after he and his wife stepped off of a government plane for a 'very important meeting' down in Kentucky on the day of the eclipse with his wife hash-tagging all her crappy luxury clothing.

you just knew that this was the kind of drain swamping we would get when voting for Trump, so nobody should be surprised.

what i'm more appalled with are those terrible wedding photo that they keep showing, this has to be a collection of some of the worst dressed people ever for a formal event..

• Melania looks good and she would have avoided our ire this time if it weren't for the fact she is wearing Pepto Bismo pink, a color which washes every white person right out..  

• Trump looks like he's humpty dumpty in that oversized tuxedo, for a billionaire he dressed like he shops in his dad's closet.   The pants don't fit, he doesn't button the jacket because he's got this gigantic belly

• Mnuchin looks like he belong in DuckTails, somebody needs to pull his wedgie out of his five hole

• Mrs. Mnuchin (What the hell kind of last name is that anyway??) has to be wearing one of the worst wedding dresses I've ever seen, she looks like one of those princesses at Disney World.   Hey sweetheart, you have one chance to wear white at a wedding and you screwed that up, you look like you washed your wedding gown with a pair of red sox..

• Pence looks pretty good actually, a tuxedo suits him fine

• Mrs Pence looks like she fell into a pit of lace and came out with a smile on her face..

Take on Trump's wardrobe snafu

Trump is reaching out to black people, republican black people but black people nevertheless. Today he had a meeting with South Carolina Senator Tim Scott to forge stronger race relations, like most thing Trump, it did not go well

First he tried to explain to Scott that there were antagonists on both sides of Charlottesville to which Scott gave Trump a 300 year American history lesson.
Then the White House sends out a photo calling him Tom Scott which is probably because Trump once met a Tom Scott and got the two guys confused

But he most insulting thing was that Trump showed up wearing black pants with a navy blue jacket. He should be impeached just for that

Take on TedCruz's twitter habits

There is nobody in the world who ever believes any celebrity when they say their twitter account got hacked.  This is the adult equivalent of using the Dog ate my Homework thing.   Ted Cruz's excuse for liking porn started out as a hacked twitter account and later went to the rogue staffer inadvertently liking porn.   I've watch plenty of twitter porn and inadvertently liking a post is a real fear for everybody, the little heart thing can easily get in the way when you are trying to scroll up and down.  

What is not a fear is accidentally ending up on said porn username and then inadvertently liking something.  You don't accidentally end up on @sexuallposts, ever. 

I'm sure there will be a thorough investigation and it will result in nothing unless some poor intern falls on Cruz's little sword.   Maybe it was really somebody else, who knows. 

But the chances it was Ted beating the old Cruzer is the most likely scenario here.  Glad he's never taken a hard stance and built an entire persona around hating something like that 

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Take on the Tripper

When Jack's twin brother Austin rode into town swooning all over Furley's niece Veronica, you finally got a glimpse of the all American Jack. Nothing was better than Jack with the cowboy hat and the southern drawl trying to convince RF that he was in fact two people in one scene.  This was John Ritter at his absolute best and should have easily won him an Emmy for best actor AND another one for Best Supporting actor for Austin.  

This was Jose Canseco and Ozzie Canseco wrapped into one sandwich of beef except he meant to have that ball bounce over the wall. 

The brightest of all stars dimmed 14 years ago and we still mourn the loss.  

I'm having a shot of Jack tonight and doing it through a mixing straw in your honor

Never Forget 

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Take on the Midas touch.

Mr Trump, there is something seriously wrong with you. I can't quiet out my finger on it but it seems guy are infatuated with what people think of you. After Harvey you stood on a fire truck in basically Idaho and spoke about the tremendous crowd, in Phoenix at your campaign rally you spoke about the huge audience, at your inauguration you said it was the biggest crowd ever assembled for an inauguration, all of which were just plain wrong. But now you are trying to take that same mentality and try to imprint it on the agencies that, as the president, you do lead. The issue is that often times you say things which make no sense and guy overinflated what they do under your administration. It's as if you disregard everything they've done before and count only what they do as of January 2017.

The Coast Guards brand has been fine and there is nothing in their efforts over the last week which radically change that. They've always worked hard, their work is always valiant and their bravery is never questioned as they go to the most difficult places to rescue. The issue isn't what they do, the issue is what you ostensibly take credit for. Their work on the high seas is nothing you take credit for, you have nothing to do with that. Yes you lead in the big picture them but you don't define them, they do hard work under you just like they did under Obama and under Bush and under Clinton and under Bush and under Reagan. You get it?

King Midas you are not. The Burger King is maybe a better description.

Take on the Trump Prayer

A photo emerged today of an emergency meeting a Trump had with his top advisors and cabinet members who were discussing preparation for Irma. It's a photo from Camp David and shows a bunch of old white guys presumably praying

But this is what we noticed

There is one guy bottom left who looks like he is napping. I literally spent many hours of my life like that while in high school.
You got the guy next to him who is apparently an atheist because he's busy typing away on his iPhone
You got Steve Mnuchin who is wondering what all this talk of Jesus is
You have Betsy Devos wonders why anybody would need anything other than prayer

And then you have Big Don in the middle who looks like he just finished playing with himself.

Take on the evacuation of a state.

Governor Rick Scott told his state to evacuate today. Great advice governor, can't imagine trying to get 21 million people out on route 95 at once. I get that these natural disasters don't have a good predictable game plan but sending a bunch of 90
Year old snow birds barreling up the highway in their 1994 Ford Tauruses seems like you are creating your own natural disaster. Although the good thing is that roads will be so clogged that nobody will go any faster than 20 miles per hour which truthfully will look like a roller derby when those winds start kicking and people start freaking out.

Be safe

Take on Steve Bannon's one issue with the catholic church

Steve Bannon has taken to the media like his former boss has taken to the buffet line but today he went after something even bigger than the media..the church.

In an interview with 60 minutes, Bannon goes after the Catholic Church for capitalizing on illegal immigration..  Steve Bannon, a Catholic, seems to see the church as a money making enterprise not dissimilar to Disney..

But the most laughable part of this entire thing was the raging headline "Steven Bannon says he's a 'street fighter, slams Catholic Church for being terrible on one issue"

What bothers me about this headline, and likely what Bannon said is that it makes it sounds like the Church has been wrong on one issue which might be true but not the one he's talking about..  

Illegal Immigration and the Church's role (and need) in that is debatable, but the pedophile priest scandal and cover-up is bar-none the one issue they have been ridiculously wrong on..

anyway, carry on. 

Take on the Trump Schumer photo

Don and Chuck go way back, they are both kids from the outer boroughs, are both in their retirement age and both badly want to get the spotlight. So it's not surprising that Donald has maybe found a Democrat willing to play a little ball, or maybe it God the other way. Chuck and Don had some weird man hug love fest today as the two did their weird hug dance kiss thing.
But I guess Donald "The Duck" Trump and Chuck "The Duck"Schumer are becoming a pair on this thing is good in one way, it makes Mitch "the bitch" McConnell and Paul "Don't call me Pip" Ryan look like fools which is always good and best of all ties Trump to Pelosi. Maybe the two can share beauty tips.

Take on DACA

It figures that it takes a dumb Trump decision to finally bring our fractured country together. It wasn't even something stupid he said this time, it was campaign rhetoric which all of a sudden became real and the influence will be great
DACA is about as uncontroversial an issue as you'll get and somehow Trump screwed that up again.
How you would send a kid back to a count y he may have left when he was an infant is beyond cruel. That kid is as American as it gets and sending him to Slovakia or Slovenia or Mexico or Holland is ludicrous. That isn't his home, it probably never has been.
But the most laughable portion was Sarah Sanders saying that Trump wants to "make a decision with compassion, but at the same time, you can't allow emotion to govern"

Trump NOT using emotions to make a decisions is about as unlikely as one of those dreamers taking away a coal job

Take on fat Trump

A president ages two decades for every eight years he's in office. Gone are the dark colors in their hair, lost are their youthful looks as the dress of the most important job in the world weighs down on them. Trump through eight months doesn't look older, he just looks fatter.

Trump really looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, he has gotten increasingly fat, his face looks like a blotchy cherry pie and his hands look like they belong on a 12 year old boy. He is what people think of when they think of the glutinous USA and somehow it is perfect

Take on Trump's fatal attraction

CNN featured an article today today about the historic low of the Trump-Obama relationship.  What is odd about this article is that it contains the following line

Now, the current and former president are carrying out the nastiest public dispute in modern presidential history, one that began on deeply personal terms and which now plays out nearly every time Trump finds a policy he dislikes or a perceived double standard.

This sort of implies this battle goes two ways when, in fact, it really only goes one way.  Truth is that Trump has been battling Obama for years and he best thing that Obama has done is just ignored the oaf.  Trump, like a younger brother, is  completely hot and bothered by Obama's silence.  He just constantly turns up the feud and Obama continues to ignore him.  Trump is that pathetic puppy who so badly wants attention and Obama just won't even grace him with a response.  

People who support Trump -and likely drink bud lite out of a can and park on their grass- love the battle and seem oblivious that it's about as competitive as a WWE match, most likely because they are the same morons that would go to a WWE match.  

Anyway, I hope CNN got their clicks because Trump hasn't gotten one from the only one that counts 

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Take on the loneliest supermarket aisle

There was a remarkable photo on social media earlier today of a supermarket in Houston completely empty of all food other than the one vegan section in the refrigerated aisle. This really isn't very surprising because this is both Houston and vegan which are about the least combinable entities you can think of. Vegan food generally tastes like a wet boot and the one thing that Houstonians have plenty of would be wet boots.

So send some help down there, send bottled water, sneakers or canned goods. Just make sure all of them have meat in them

Take on the Trump donation

Donald Trump pledged a $1 million donation to Harvey victims which we can only see a sign that the apocalypse is near.  It's not that a billionaire donating to a good and worthy cause should be shocking, what is shocking is that this billionaire pledged to do so.  Then again Trump has promised and pledged before and most of the time he talks a big game and donates nothing.  

Then the real question is whether this generous donation will come from Trump himself or from the Trump organization which is a huge difference. Mainly because Trump Organization charity arm is mostly funded by people other than Trump.   Records show that Trump hasn't even donated to his own charity in nearly a decade, so if the donation comes from that group it will actually be less from Trump than if the donation came from The Red Cross because he might have actually texted that number to give $5 to them.  Although even that seems unlikely. 

Anyway, good for the president, it's a cause that desperately needs it but like most things about Trump it seems to be more about getting him into the spotlight than anything else. It would be great if Obama donated $1,000,001 tomorrow, you just know it would drive this maniac mad. 

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