Take on the Death Star Toilet

I have a few buddies who swear by the handheld bidet, and has been
trying to get me to pop my cherry. He relies on the standard
technology of a hose attached to the side of his toilet with a nozzle
that resembles the thing you use to wash vegetables but my first
opportunity with this concept came in the form of this robotic seat.

First of all, the seat had some kind of self-cleaning capability and
came with more controls than a massage chair which made it a bit
intimidating. I wasn't quite sure about the technology but threw
caution into the wind and plopped my white arse down on Asia's finest
piece of technology. The Japanese may have groundbreaking technology
but apparently the Koreans have the Death-Star of toilets
I sit down and, to my complete surprise, realize that the seat is
heated. I get the theory behind that when you are getting into your
car when it is 12 degrees outside but on a toilet seat it feels a bit
like overkill. After the initial shock of the heated seat wore
off, I got to work with the deed, quickly forgetting that I was
perched upon the Death Star. When I was totally done, I looked down
at the control panel which shows pictures of sprays, jets and rhythmic
squirters. It was sort of intriguing but it also felt like u had
taken a dump inside of a hot-tub. I could not quite decide which
option to choose and more importantly I was not sure how I was going
to dry myself off after I was done, but I closed my eyes, pressed a
button and was met more of a homoerotic feeling any straight man
should ever experience. Apparently, this small hose comes out from
the side of the seat and sprays the equivalent of the jet-stream into
your five hole. There must have been 20 gallons sprayed at 1000
miles per hour and I just about hit the ceiling. I have a buddy who
got his salad tossed inside of a Mustang who told me he almost out his
head through the roof. Well, I almost concussed myself with the
ceiling of the Hyatt. Iget that this probably is a more thorough
cleaning but getting a colonic is maybe a bit too clean