he definitive guide to traveling for work to China
Having now done the China trip 13 times in my life, it might be time
to put some of my thoughts to paper
Compression Socks
I know this is probably like a frown man wearing a bike helmet but
sometimes you realize that cool is stupid and stupid is cool. It
doesn't matter if you are sitting in seat 1A or 62C, if you are going
to sit on a plane for 14 hours, your feet will feel like two blood
sausages. At 30,000 feet all the blood will rush to your feet unless
you are wearing compression socks, in which case they will feel like
two Wiener schnitzels
Don't be that guy at dinner
Don't be the guy that refuses to eat anything. We all hate the food
but you can't sit at a business dinner and refuse to eat, as you'll
not only insult your guests but more importantly make you look like a
tremendous douche. Find five things out of the thirty on the lazy
Susan and chow down. Jellyfish is fantastic, most mushroom dishes
are good and the beef is usually edible. Sea urchin on the other hand
looks like a rubber pussy and tastes worse
Use chopsticks
Only a real loser asks for a fork
Don't breath the air..ever
Although I got lucky on my last trip, I have been there enough when
the air quality index hits over 300. That basically means that all
children, pregnant people and old people should not even venture
outside. Nobody living in China listens to those warning, otherwise they'd be locked in their apartments for 6 months out of the year.. The air gets so thick you feel the grit in your teeth. So your best bet is to hold your breath from the second you get off
the plan until you get back on a week later
Don't dress up
You are going to be the only person wearing a suit and you will be
covered in people's backsplash and forget about wearing that suit again after a night of food because it'll smell like stinky tofu
Learn a few words
Nothing ingratiates you with the locals more than attempting to speak
their ass-backwards language. Learn the nuances between tone
inflection and pitch because the same word means radically different
things if you pronounce it one way or another
Mao Tai sucks
This stuff is complete gasoline and there is no way to avoid drinking it but you have to figure out a few ways to dump some of it in a cup to avoid getting completely sloshed. Your hangover is going to be terrible tomorrow but just realize they won't have a ham and egg sandwich to cut through your haze..
Having now done the China trip 13 times in my life, it might be time
to put some of my thoughts to paper
Compression Socks
I know this is probably like a frown man wearing a bike helmet but
sometimes you realize that cool is stupid and stupid is cool. It
doesn't matter if you are sitting in seat 1A or 62C, if you are going
to sit on a plane for 14 hours, your feet will feel like two blood
sausages. At 30,000 feet all the blood will rush to your feet unless
you are wearing compression socks, in which case they will feel like
two Wiener schnitzels
Don't be that guy at dinner
Don't be the guy that refuses to eat anything. We all hate the food
but you can't sit at a business dinner and refuse to eat, as you'll
not only insult your guests but more importantly make you look like a
tremendous douche. Find five things out of the thirty on the lazy
Susan and chow down. Jellyfish is fantastic, most mushroom dishes
are good and the beef is usually edible. Sea urchin on the other hand
looks like a rubber pussy and tastes worse
Use chopsticks
Only a real loser asks for a fork
Don't breath the air..ever
Although I got lucky on my last trip, I have been there enough when
the air quality index hits over 300. That basically means that all
children, pregnant people and old people should not even venture
outside. Nobody living in China listens to those warning, otherwise they'd be locked in their apartments for 6 months out of the year.. The air gets so thick you feel the grit in your teeth. So your best bet is to hold your breath from the second you get off
the plan until you get back on a week later
Don't dress up
You are going to be the only person wearing a suit and you will be
covered in people's backsplash and forget about wearing that suit again after a night of food because it'll smell like stinky tofu
Learn a few words
Nothing ingratiates you with the locals more than attempting to speak
their ass-backwards language. Learn the nuances between tone
inflection and pitch because the same word means radically different
things if you pronounce it one way or another
Mao Tai sucks
This stuff is complete gasoline and there is no way to avoid drinking it but you have to figure out a few ways to dump some of it in a cup to avoid getting completely sloshed. Your hangover is going to be terrible tomorrow but just realize they won't have a ham and egg sandwich to cut through your haze..
Don't waste your time at the local hotels
There aren't a lot of options in certain places but when they are you should NEVER opt for the cheaper option.. unless you like to watch the mold grow on the ceiling as you sleep.. This last trip had me in one local hotel and the shower didn't drain, so the entire bathroom got flooded every time I took a shower. Miraculously it was completely dry by the time I got back later that day but I really doubt any of it went down the drain.
Your internet usage is going to be severely capped
Maybe it's the fact that they make the NSA look like amateurs because it takes hours to download anything in China. The internet connections are so slow, you'd think you were in your parent's basement logging onto your AOL account. then again your web-browsing is so hamstrung that 90% of the websites you'd want to go to (read RedTube, Tube8, youporn) are all blocked
Every meal ends with a fish that looks like it's got three eyes
the Chinese character for "fish" is the same as that for 'profit' so they like to make sure you enjoy the radiated sucker together.. Hope you like your balls glowing in the dark.
There will be many times that you feel like you are Bill Murray
it's unbelievable how many times you will be a part of a conversation with two people and they'll discuss in Chinese for hours on end and then come back to you and say "the boss says. yes" and this will happen over and over again..
The Soviet era planes won't kill you..most likely
nothing like getting on a plane and realizing it's older than you. You know that old flight-attendant who took your drink order flying from El Paso to Columbus, well she was a hot chick when the plane was new, she now has ankles the size of grapefruits..not even compression socks can help her now.
Don't puke
Chinese people hate people puking on their shoes, can't blame them
Don't try to sleep during the day
no matter how tired you are, don't give in to your sleep needs because otherwise you'll be watching CNN all night and Wolf Blitzer looks worse when turned upside down.. if you do have insomnia, realize that your adrenalin will get you through.
there are more.. will add when we get to it
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