Take on the $0.05 discount for bringing your own bag

Places like Whole Foods and Target will give you back a nickel for
every reusable bag you bring in when you check out. I'm all for
recycling and reusing and I'm incredibly cheap, so it's a great
combination.

One issue I had, though, was when I went into Target the other day to
get some bread. I went to the checkout counter and when the girl
went to out it in a plastic bag, I asked her to not worry about
bagging it as I could easily walk it out without using a plastic bag.
Then I realized that I although I did not use a bag, I did not get the
discount. This is ludicrous, if I had walked in with a backpack they
discount me $0.05 but if I hand carry they don't.

Take on Brown Friday

The day after Thanksgiving is almost as big a holiday as Thanksgiving
itself. People will waste hours of their lives to get 15% off a
camera or a Tickle Me Elmo and take pride in it. But as much as
Black Friday has become it's own day and tradition, I think it might
be fair to consider that we change it to Brown Friday because this is
the true color of the day after. That is because after all those
turkey legs, cranberry sauce, pecan pies and gravy, the entire country
will get together for a big colossal dump. I was stuck in a
confined space with a fellow Thanksgiving guest and the seeping out of
their ass smelled like it came from a sick Rottweiler. The stink was
just unbearable and this is coming from somebody who has cleared out
his share of rooms, even a few ballrooms.

So, Black Friday will be known as Brown Friday from here on out, let's
all flush on if

Take in the turkey stuffer

I have done a lot of difficult things in my life including running the
marathon while passing a kidney stone, roundtrips to Eastern Europe
within 2 days, winning the D-cup in an uber competitive fantasy
football league and writing a daily blog for 5 years But nothing
compares to trying stuff a turkey. After a night of prep, there I
am, 8AM this morning with my entire arm shoved up a turkey's ass,
pulling out guts, hearts, kidneys, gizzards, chicks and god knows what
else. That in itself wasn't even that hard, it was the part where
you have to put butter between the skin and the breast.
I spent nearly an hour trying to follow directions asking me to
carefully separate the skin from the breast and line the space between
with herb butter. That in itself isn't ridiculously hard but when
they warn you repeatedly that you should not puncture the skin, it
gets a bit tedious which is especially challenging for somebody who
isn't exactly graceful.

Happy thanksgiving, hope you don't mind that I didn't wash my hands

Take on the hairy man

I read this interesting factoid the other day and being that it is on
the internet, I reason it must be true. It basically said that an
increase of body-hair has a direct correlation with intelligence,
which as a fairly hairy man, I like to believe to be true.
Obviously, it can't all be true as my own circle of friends is a
collection of the hairiest trees this side of Siberia and there isn't
a single PHD amongst them. So, somehow this study seems to lack some
real world knowledge and turns the preconceived notion of the hairy
oaf on its head. Russians and Easter Europeans are hairy and they
always win chess competitions but then Asians, who are some of the
least hairy people on earth represent an oversized population at Ivy
League schools, Indians are often doctors and they have a lot of
forehead hair but not a lot of chest hair, I believe.

Then again, maybe the really smart people are manscaping (I am looking
at you Z&Z) which the hairy apes might think is a total waste of
efficiency and time.

Take on CitiBiking in the winter

Well it took almost six months but the CitiBike program finally seems
to be working. I was able to pick out my choice of 25 bikes at my
office and returned it to an almost completely empty rack 15 minutes
later right by my mass-transit hub. Granted it was pouring rain and a
windchill which made it feel like -10degrees but when you are Dutch
there are two things you can be counted on: that the Dutch rider will
not be scared to bike because of a little bit of inclement weather but
more importantly that said rider would make sure he gets his money
worth.

Take on the Youth Shield

Get where advertising is going most of the time, but it wouldn't kill
somebody to run an ad or a sign past ave average a$$hole before
posting it in their window. Just look at this sign I caught walking
down seventh ave this weekend, it's for an anti-aging cream called
"youth shield," which sounds great until you realize that shield in
the common vernacular is used to protect against what it's named for.
Take the Missile Defense Shield, for example, the idea is that you
are shielding yourself against missiles, the Slomin shield protects
you against rabbi's coming door to door and the NFL shield protects
you against concussion lawsuits , so I can only assume the youth
shield protects you against youth. Maybe it's actually meant as
protection on the subway from unruly city kids.

Take on the new meat labels

When I read the CNN headline that meat will now be labelled for it's
birth place, I realized it might be time to become a vagitarian. It's
like the meat industry took a cue from the beer industry and now
decided to add a born on date, which is about as desirable as having
to drink Bud Lite. I am a red-blooded, meat eating American but even
I don't really don't need to know when some little calf was born or
slaughtered. Give me a sell-by date or better yet an eat-by date but
don't humanize the slaughtering process with all this additional
information.

Take on old people email etiquette

I hate old people.. Well I don't hate all old people, just the technologically challenged ones. 

For the last month, we have been in the process if trying to buy a house which, as many of you know, has it's shares of frustrations, setbacks and annoyances.  But what has annoyed me most is the fact that all the people involved do not hit the "reply all" button when responding to emails.   So basically my wife will send an email with me copied to it but the response will only come to her, so what was one thread becomes two of three disjointed ones.  

It doesn't matter how many times we ask to reply all because nobody listens and I'm starting to wonder if this is by design because they prefer to deal with only one person but, as most people realize, the CC concept on these email chains is meant to keep people in the loop, not encourage interaction and now I spend half my time forwarding responses back and forth 

Sent from my iPhone

take on the Chinese business traveler rules

he definitive guide to traveling for work to China

Having now done the China trip 13 times in my life, it might be time
to put some of my thoughts to paper

Compression Socks
I know this is probably like a frown man wearing a bike helmet but
sometimes you realize that cool is stupid and stupid is cool.    It
doesn't matter if you are sitting in seat 1A or 62C, if you are going
to sit on a plane for 14 hours, your feet will feel like two blood
sausages.   At 30,000 feet all the blood will rush to your feet unless
you are wearing compression socks, in which case they will feel like
two Wiener schnitzels

Don't be that guy at dinner
Don't be the guy that refuses to eat anything.  We all hate the food
but you can't sit at a business dinner and refuse to eat, as you'll
not only insult your guests but more importantly make you look like a
tremendous douche.   Find five things out of the thirty on the lazy
Susan and chow down.   Jellyfish is fantastic, most mushroom dishes
are good and the beef is usually edible.  Sea urchin on the other hand
looks like a rubber pussy and tastes worse

Use chopsticks
Only a real loser asks for a fork

Don't breath the air..ever
Although I got lucky on my last trip, I have been there enough when
the air quality index hits over 300.  That basically means that all
children, pregnant people and old people should not even venture
outside.   Nobody living in China listens to those warning, otherwise they'd be locked in their apartments for 6 months out of the year..  The air gets so thick you feel the grit in your teeth.  So your best bet is to hold your breath from the second you get off
the plan until you get back on a week later

Don't dress up
You are going to be the only person wearing a suit and you will be
covered in people's backsplash and forget about wearing that suit again after a night of food because it'll smell like stinky tofu

Learn a few words
Nothing ingratiates you with the locals more than attempting to speak
their ass-backwards language.  Learn the nuances between tone
inflection and pitch because the same word means radically different
things if you pronounce it one way or another

Mao Tai sucks
This stuff is complete gasoline and there is no way to avoid drinking it but you have to figure out a few ways to dump some of it in a cup to avoid getting completely sloshed.  Your hangover is going to be terrible tomorrow but just realize they won't have a ham and egg sandwich to cut through your haze..

Don't waste your time at the local hotels

There aren't a lot of options in certain places but when they are you should NEVER opt for the cheaper option.. unless you like to watch the mold grow on the ceiling as you sleep..  This last trip had me in one local hotel and the shower didn't drain, so the entire bathroom got flooded every time I took a shower.   Miraculously it was completely dry by the time I got back later that day but I really doubt any of it went down the drain.

Your internet usage is going to be severely capped

Maybe it's the fact that they make the NSA look like amateurs because it takes hours to download anything in China.  The internet connections are so slow, you'd think you were in your parent's basement logging onto your AOL account.    then again your web-browsing is so hamstrung that 90% of the websites you'd want to go to (read RedTube, Tube8, youporn) are all blocked

Every meal ends with a fish that looks like it's got three eyes

the Chinese character for "fish" is the same as that for 'profit' so they like to make sure you enjoy the radiated sucker together..  Hope you like your balls glowing in the dark.

There will be many times that you feel like you are Bill Murray

it's unbelievable how many times you will be a part of a conversation with two people and they'll discuss in Chinese for hours on end and then come back to you and say  "the boss says. yes" and this will happen over and over again..

The Soviet era planes won't kill you..most likely

nothing like getting on a plane and realizing it's older than you.   You know that old flight-attendant who took your drink order flying from El Paso to Columbus, well she was a hot chick when the plane was new, she now has ankles the size of grapefruits..not even compression socks can help her now.

Don't puke

Chinese people hate people puking on their shoes, can't blame them

Don't try to sleep during the day

no matter how tired you are, don't give in to your sleep needs because otherwise you'll be watching CNN all night and Wolf Blitzer looks worse when turned upside down.. if you do have insomnia, realize that your adrenalin will get you through.

there are more.. will add when we get to it

Take on Asian Hotel art

Have you ever noticed that Asian hotel art always tries to replicate
the female body? I get that a woman is beautiful and her body a
treasure but when I sit down at a meeting I find it very distracting
to stare right into the crevice of a woman even if it is under the
guise of art.
Although being that this is Asia, maybe they should lie it on its side

Take on Chinese cuisine

A buddy used to theorize that if there was a lost civilization on
earth who we found to be eating cockroaches and spiders, we would be
disgusted and assume they were total savages , yet some of our
delicacies are really just the same thing jazzed up and overpriced.
Just look at a lobster, it looks like a gigantic cockroach, yet we
spend $60 for a steamed and this it is a bargain. Not to mention
things like tartar, mushrooms, shrimp, rare steak or even chicken
wings with pieces of hair growing from it.

But I gotta say, we have nothing on the Chinese, those guys will eat
anything. The difference is that although we all eat chicken, in the
pampered west we prefer only the most pampered white meat while our
Eastern friends will say that it has no flavor. But the differences
don't even end there, the Chinese are so overly concerned that
somebody will substitute rat for chicken or dog for beef that they
insist on showing you the entire animal. They will bring out a dirty
mop bucket with a flopping fish inside to 'prove' it's fresh even if
you are sure they used the same bucket to clean the bathroom. Then
they serve the entire fish whole and the diners get to fight over who
gets to eat the eyeballs or the gills. But what is more
disgusting is when they bring out fowl, because they serve it with the
chicken or pigeon head still attached and they will grab it and suck
on it like a lollipop.
No wonder they drink that lighter fluid, it's the only way you can
disinfect your stomach

Take in the mop slop

When you add in a Chinese restaurant and on your way to the bathroom,
you often pass these huge vats of gunk. It is hard to describe but
it's like a mop bucket filled with leftover food that the busboys just
constantly scrape add onto. I have no idea where this goes, but I
have a pretty good thought that the food in these buckets have not
seen their last plates. Maybe they are sent out to the peasants,
maybe they are repackaged and sold again or maybe they are injected
intravenously to unsuspecting tourists but be sure they in China it
won't go to waste.
Quite honestly, it might look more edible than 2/3rds of the stuff they serve

Take on the Asian Lunch

There are not many things more vile than watching an Asian person eat
soup. You sit across from somebody and the entire experience feels
like you are up close and personal at a porn shoot. Between the
slurping, burping, sweating and flying slobber, I'm shocked I haven't
picked up an STD. It's like I want to put a condom over my face to
avoid the backsplash
I get that the culture embraces chop-sticks but would it kill them to
provide a couple of spoons at lunch, there really is no dignified way
of eating soup otherwise.

Take on the Death Star Toilet

I have a few buddies who swear by the handheld bidet, and has been
trying to get me to pop my cherry. He relies on the standard
technology of a hose attached to the side of his toilet with a nozzle
that resembles the thing you use to wash vegetables but my first
opportunity with this concept came in the form of this robotic seat.

First of all, the seat had some kind of self-cleaning capability and
came with more controls than a massage chair which made it a bit
intimidating. I wasn't quite sure about the technology but threw
caution into the wind and plopped my white arse down on Asia's finest
piece of technology. The Japanese may have groundbreaking technology
but apparently the Koreans have the Death-Star of toilets
I sit down and, to my complete surprise, realize that the seat is
heated. I get the theory behind that when you are getting into your
car when it is 12 degrees outside but on a toilet seat it feels a bit
like overkill. After the initial shock of the heated seat wore
off, I got to work with the deed, quickly forgetting that I was
perched upon the Death Star. When I was totally done, I looked down
at the control panel which shows pictures of sprays, jets and rhythmic
squirters. It was sort of intriguing but it also felt like u had
taken a dump inside of a hot-tub. I could not quite decide which
option to choose and more importantly I was not sure how I was going
to dry myself off after I was done, but I closed my eyes, pressed a
button and was met more of a homoerotic feeling any straight man
should ever experience. Apparently, this small hose comes out from
the side of the seat and sprays the equivalent of the jet-stream into
your five hole. There must have been 20 gallons sprayed at 1000
miles per hour and I just about hit the ceiling. I have a buddy who
got his salad tossed inside of a Mustang who told me he almost out his
head through the roof. Well, I almost concussed myself with the
ceiling of the Hyatt. Iget that this probably is a more thorough
cleaning but getting a colonic is maybe a bit too clean

Take on the Chinese sh!t

There is something very special about the Chinese sh!t, it's not
particularly pleasant and is not at all larger than other sh!ts but it
is sort of transforming. Sh!t smells like sh!t but somehow a
bathroom in China always smells worse. I think it is all the crap
they eat or the lighter fluid they drink but you walk into any
bathroom in China, be it at a five star hotel or on the side of the
highway and the smell is just unbearable. I, myself, have contrived
nightly to this over the last few days even if I have avoided most of
the really gruesome food and drink choices. It's like after spending
three days here, your stomach becomes like a natural sewage plant.
The stink from my own hotel room bathroom today was enough to knock
out a hippo and sadly I don't even remember going.

Take on Chinese Chicken

This is not chicken. I don't care how many times I am told that it
is, I will not believe that the stuff they serve as chicken in China
has anything to do with the stuff Frank Purdue was hawking on American
television when I was a kid. When they serve you a dish and the only
thing you can place as having possibly been on the bird is that little
scrotum looking thing on their necks, you know you will be spending a
good few hours praying to the porcelain gods. I have eaten chicken my
entire life and have had white and dark meat, I have had chicken
breast, chicken legs and chicken wings but what they serve here is
unrecognizable. It's all bony, all tastes like some weird spice and
all seems like a Where's Waldo episode when trying to peg it on the
actual bird.

Take on Korean fashion

Apparently, fashion sense in Korea is a bit of a misnomer.

The women all have perms, wear basketball sneakers while rocking
colorful pant-suits and visors but the dudes really aren't much
better. Can somebody explain why Korean men wear women's jackets
because it's really not very becoming. I get that they all seem to
have prepubescent girl physiques and no body hair, but this has to be
something more than a cultural quirk. There is no good reason for an
adult man should dress like Missy Misdemeanor

Take on the Korean driver

I don't like to make gross generalizations over vast groups of people
but I have to say that Koreans are some if the worst drivers in the
world. Just yesterday, the car I was in not only crashed into a
pallet doing a k turn, ran over an orange cone , rear ended a car in a
parking lot and hit a wall and and not one of those actions even
remotely phased the driver. To be fair the wall was obstructed by a
bush although hitting the bush was probably not something that either
the Korean driver bush or the Korean bush really wanted, I am sure

Maybe it's the fact that the entire city of Seoul is one giant
traffics jam, maybe they don't teach driver's ed or maybe I cultural
but it seems like an issue that hasn't improved much.

I can't completely blame the driver, either, because the cars in Korea
all seem to have this ridiculous 40 inch GPS mounted to their
dashboards which would prevent anybody from properly seeing the road.
Add to they these huge satellite dish looking things which every
Korean seems to have mounted to their rear window and you can't be
surprised that nobody can add a thing.

These are all devices designed to aid drivers but unlike the GPS
systems we use, these things looks like a video game with bells,
horns, music and the most annoying cartoon voice SIRI wannabe you have
ever heard. The entire drive feels like you are being attacked by
Martians because this thing keeps screaming about upcoming traffic,
speed limits, tolls, crossing cows, Dunkin Donuts and Kimchee.

Please kill me, or actually I should say...Please don't kill me

Take on the Korean Outback

There really aren't many situations which are more disappointing in
life than going to an Outback in another country. You would think
that because it's suppose to be an Australian steakhouse, that the
quality and type of food across the stores worldwide would be similar.
I get that it's probably about as authentic as Coronas are for
Mexicans but these chain restaurants should have some kind of
consistency over their restaurants.
I got some thing called BaBiKi steak which basically means undercooked
and over spiced. But that was better than the other option which is
their sirloin which I've gotten before and tastes like an old shoe. I
am sure I am not alone because everybody in the entire joint was
eating some Korean concoction That's like going to McDonald's and
getting a burrito,

Take on in-flight insomnia

Well I guess I jinxed myself with all my talk about not wanting any
distractions on the 14 hours to Korea. Six hours into the flight, I
was awoken by some terrible Korean breakfast which was actually the
best part of being awake. The rest of the flight was an endless toss
and turn trying desperately to catch up -and store up- the sleep I
been hoping for

But what is worse is that for the second straight international
flight, my TV console crapped out. Although I was able to watch all
the episodes of If Everybody Loves Raymond, whenever I tried to start
The Great Gatsby or Mystic River, the sound would go haywire
Well at least I have a copy of The Day News and the Sky-mall magazine
to keep me occupied for the next 8 hours. Should have stopped for an
US Weekly

Take on the 14 hour flight

Years ago there would not have been anything I would have been dreaded
than a long flight but with two kids under 5, I have to confess that
14 hours of peace and quiet actually sounds kind of nice. Usually, I
get on the flight and check the crappy movies, terrible meal and wine
options but today I plan on checking my pillow and eye shade thing and
conking out as soon as we hit the runway. I just can't let myself
get tempted by some crappy Jennifer Anniston movie or Chicken Marsala
dinner until I have slept at least 10 hours.

Take on the text spam

I can't stand spam mail whether it's the junk-mail I get in my post
box or the Viagra offers on email bit recently I have started getting
random text spam. I never quite understood the business model to
this spam mail. There is absolutely no way that I'm ever going to buy
a Louis Vuitton bag at a 70% discount from a place that spammed me.

But really, text message are sacred, this is the equivalent of getting
called for some magazine offer at dinner time

Take on the apple-store crowd

During my trip to the Apple store to replace an $8 battery for $79, I
was overcome with the kind of people who hang out at the Genius Bar on
a Monday afternoon. You have a bunch of yuppy nerds, freaky hipsters,
grandmothers, entire Hispanic families, professor dudes wearing
corduroys (terrible look by the way) with vests and tons of snot-nosed
teenagers.

But what was most shocking was some dude getting his ipad2 with retina
display serviced so he could buy the new IPadAir. This dude was about
to buy an $800 tablet yet was making calls on one of those Nokia
knockoff bricks from the early 90's.
I get that people have different prerogatives but sometimes their
prerogatives are just wrong.


By the way, thanks to this handy spell check I just found out they
there is some weird second R in the word prerogative. Can't find that
out on a Nokia knockoff

Take on the $79 replacement battery

I was in then Apple store the other day because my IPhone 5 keeps
crapping out on me. I'd have the battery jump from 30% to 20% in
seconds and often when it got to below 15% it would just shut off.
Then I'd plug it back in and immediately the battery would read 16%
again. After deciding to deal with this before I went to China, I
found myself waiting for a half hour before finally getting served at
the Genius Bar. The dude with the pony-tail, nose-ring and eyelid
tattoo told that my battery was kicked. Obviously, the next thing he
told me is that it's out of warranty and that it would cost me my
first born to get it replaced. It wound up spending $79 to get my
crappy battery replaced, which in itself is ridiculously expensive but
what really irked me is that every other phone on the market this
entire process is done much more efficiently, not to mention done more
cheaply. If you have an Android, you go to Amazon and within 2 days
you get a replacement battery for $9 if it's a generic or $35 if it's
a genuine one. But even the price difference doesn't irk me as much
as the inconvenience of having to spend 2 hours to basically have
somebody pop a battery into a phone.

Take on the bus noise violation

There really are no more annoyances than people who sit on a bus and
play music through their phone speakers. In the city, you often see
this done by a bunch of teens who are just using their size and
numbers to intimidate their fellow straphangers but on the bus, it is
almost always old people or immigrants. I have nothing against
either subsect, as I am both a first generation immigrant and feel
like an old man but somebody needs to slap some sense into these
people. The 45 minute morning bus-ride is the only few minutes of
quiet solitude most of us get and having to listen to some Korean
gospel does NOT enhance that. I get that you are probably not
technically inclined but that should not make you oblivious to the
fact that the entire bus isn't looking to listen to your crap. I
think that it should be a bus drivers right -and duty- to get anybody
in violation of the the noise code, to force them I step off.
Preferably while we are in the Lincoln Tunnel during rush-hour

Take on Indian fuel

When I got an email from Citibank the other day, I figured it was just
more spam, so I wasn't surprised that it was another promotion they
were running trying to entice you to use your Citi cards more often
What I don't quite get is why this promotion is one that gets you
Indian fuel. Not sure what that is, although I do often have gas when
I eat too many Samosas, and I also wonder why they are promoting
something in litres to somebody who would buy in gallons or at least
in liters

Anyway, not sure where this Indian oil comes from or is made from but
I don't like it because it just eats up my inbox

Happy Diwali

Take in the dirty sweats wearing chick

I am all about comfort especially on the weekends but these people
that show up to the supermarket looking like they just rolled out of
bed is more than a little troubling. I am not asking chicks to tease
their hair put on eyeliner but maybe taking a shower and brushing your
teeth might help. I walk into the A&P this weekend and see multiple
chicks dressed with sweatpants on. I think sweatpants can be cute on
a chick, but not ones that are four sizes too big with grease stains
on 'em. Put on a comfortable pair of jeans, maybe a shirt without a
pizza stain and maybe some 4inch heels, is that too much to ask????
You have much less of this at Whole Foods by the way

Take on the way that Daylight Saving can fix immigration

There are not a lot if things I dislike more than somebody telling me
when to wake up, and that goes double when that demand comes from Big
Government. Yeah, the idea of Daylight Saving time sounds great,
except if you have young kids who can't be explained that we get an
extra hour of sleep.
I get that this is some big giveback to the farmers akin to those crap
farm-bills but even that doesn't make that much sense. Farmers have
animals, who like a one year kid, can't be explained to go back to
bed. So although the clock says 5am it feels like 6am and that cow
needs to be milked.
So that probably means those farmers have to get up anyway. So maybe
this is more about the ones who have big farmland to tend to so this
really is a big handout to those farmers and more specifically the
people who farm their land. Then it hit me, the people who tend all
this land are the migrant workers and maybe this Daylight Saving Time
thing can answer another conundrum.
Maybe the US cancels this clock change thing in secret next year and
only tell our neighbors until it's too late. Forget all these scare
tactics of border fences, guards and Sherif Joe, instead of trying to
shoot these guys, take away the incentive of an hour of sleep which
right now I'd give almost anything for. All these berry and grain
pickers are going to think twice about coming over, and maybe they'll
decide to stay in Mexico with their fancy clock adjustments and beer
enjoyed with a slice of lime

Maybe the Mexican's will set up guards on their side preventing the
college kids from trying to take advantage of this extra hour of sleep

Take on the air quality index

I'm about a week from departing for Asia and decided to check the air
quality index on my handy IPhone app. I can't say I am surprised, but
there is something slightly disconcerting about seeing a 347 rating
with a big 'hazardous" sign next to it. I think I have been there
when it's been in the 400's and you could literally taste the
pollution as it would get stuck to your teeth while walking down the
street
Can't wait to run 6 miles next week!!

take on the teenage trick or treater

I love Halloween and my enjoyment has only grown as I started trick-or-treating with my own kids.   It's awesome to see the joy they have when they walk up to each of the doors and excitement when they get to dig their hands in boxes of candy to choose between a Snickers bar and a bag of M&M's.

What I don't quite like is that there are a bunch of old kids who are also going door-to-door.   There is a lot of difference, in my mind, to a bunch of four and five year old kids and a bunch of dudes with beards and chicks with pimples and training bras.   

I'm find with them dressing up..but trick or treating is suppose to be more innocent and really nobody should ever eat that much sugar anyway, especially if you already look like crap.