Take on the Jeep Wrangler

When one of my married buddies with a couple of kids emailed around saying he was going to get a Jeep Wrangler, I realized that midlife crisis must be upon us. He envisioned taking his toddler girls cruising through grasslands, across streams and over beach dunes with the top down and the doors off which is as likely as him getting a real life chick to take off her top for him in that imaginary Jeep. Little does he realize that all the cool things about a Jeep come with work. Taking the doors off is a chore, getting the soft top entailed some major finger dexterity and having a conversation while doing anything over 10 miles per hour is near impossible but he never listens to reason, so why not let him fall into the trap

It was 1999, I just bought a 1991 Jeep Wrangler in stick with 100,000 miles on it for $6500 and was told the thing would run for 200,000. It was forest green, had a soft top and I could kick it into four wheel drive with a manual pull stick and it was awesome, sort of

The weekend I got the Jeep coincided with the the first time I was dating a chick since I was in high school. This was an accomplishment in itself but most people were impressed because unlike the other chicks I'd mess around with at that time, this one didn't outweigh me by 30 pounds which is quite a feat when you consider that I was clocking it at 245. We are dating for a few weeks and we decide to hit the beach with a few friends, two other couples jump into my buddy's Passat and this girl and I jump into the Jeep. It's the summer of 2000 I don't have a care in the world and am flying high hoping to get a piece of ass for the first time in a decade. I get the car filled up with 87 unleaded, I got my CD carrousel packed with all the greatest classic rock hits, I got printed directions off of MapQuest and had stopped at 7/11 for a Big Gulp. I have a towel and a bathing suit and had spent an hour getting the stupid soft top off the Jeep before picking her up but the world was great.

I got the Stones blasting as we hit the highway and right away I realize that we have a problem, I can't hear a thing she says. The wind is blowing like I'm in a wind tunnel, her hair is smacking her in the face and the smell of the Turnpike is unbearable. We can't hear Jagger, we can't hear each other, we can't hear anything other than the sound of 60 mile per hour winds. But it is a beautiful day and we are an hour out..until we hit the Parkway. It is summer in New Jersey which means the parkway is a parking lot and with the top down and it being 1000 degrees out, the sun is burning a hole into my skin, we're sitting in bumper to bumper traffic and burning to a crisp but this close to getting some tail, I am way too scared to look like a pussy and pull over to get the top back up.

It is 12:30 by the time we pull into the parking lot and now I got to put he top back up because we're in one of those crap shore towns and I'm afraid that some frat boy is going to piss in my car, so there I am, sweating like only a 245 pound hog does, trying to pull that stupid soft tarp back over the top. It is easily taking me 25 minutes, my buddies are all at the beach throwing the football around and drinking Coors Lite and I am standing there hot, sun burned and frustrated with my new girlfriend looking at me like I am a complete imbecile
A half hour later we stroll into the beach, I step of a sea shell, I realize I forgot my wallet in the jeep, I burn even more and after going in the ocean I realize that I brought a stained towel.
We hang or for a few hours, not of the time with me hunched over trying to capture any hope of shade I can and by date looking on concerned thinking I probably have a heat stroke

Finally, We head back to the car, she asks if we should take the top down again which I think to mean is what she wants to do. 20 minutes of work later we sit back in the same crap traffic except now I am wearing a wet bathing suit and I can feel the pimples growing on my ass and we head back home in the same miserable sun with no cover and no chance to have a conversation.