Take on the hairy palms

As a kid I remember being told that beating would lead to blindness or hairy palms but today's kids are being told about a much more disturbing malady. Some preacher is going around telling everybody that the act of self pleasure will get your hands pregnant which is a frightening thought because where exactly are you birthing these infidel kids from?? Do they have to rip off your thumbnail or do they just chop your entire hand off as if you were a thief in ancient Arabia?

But assuming this is true, here is a new idea for a TLC staring Righetti called 19,000 and counting