Take on Shelley Levene Trump

Read the NationalReview article (http://www.nationalreview.com/article/449988/donald-trump-cant-close-deal-failing-salesman) comparing Trump to the Shelley Levene -and not Alex Baldwin- character which is a beautiful tableau but it misses one important fact. 

It fails to see that Trump actually is a great salesman. 

He somehow convinced (conned) 63 million people, most of whom are Christians, to believe that he is one of them   This is a man who uses vulgarity and has made his money in casinos and beauty pageants.  He tramples on the poor, he's had three marriages coming out of very public affairs, he despises the weak.    He has proudly lied, stolen and cheated his way to the top and yet the evangelicals believe that he stands for them    Maybe I'm naive but isn't there a greater challenge out there for you?   Aren't you suppose to choose righteous over greed?   Why part of Trump screams Do Onto Others?  What part speaks about helping the tired and the weak?   

Trump isn't the Christian they hope to be...he's just the man they wish they could be.  If they won the lottery they'd immediately buy the biggest gaudiest house they could, they'd wear ugly golf pants, lounge at their big ugly pool and get their family name emblazed in gold letters on the mailbox   Because as much as the heartland loves Jesus, they love Kim Kardashian more 

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Take on Big Chris and his Big Basket of nachos

Big Chris can't seem to get out of his own way, coming a few weeks after being outed sitting on a beach while the state beaches were closed, he was caught today arguing with a fan at a Cubs-Brewers game. It's not surprising that Christie would get into a heated discussion, he's never been one afraid of confrontation, it's that all of this just feels so scripted. At this point, we know Big Chris is hoping to take over for Big Mike on WFAN's Big afternoon drive show, and as Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh will tell you, any publicity is good publicity. This is why it's obvious to us at TOR that the fly-by helicopter thing was a setup, this was Big Chris flipping the bird to New Jersey the same way everybody does when they are on their way out of this state. The issue is that Christie is hoping to stay in the spotlight by doing the one thing he has always been good at, being a loudmouth bully.

But the best part of the AP tweet was that in the 140 characters they were allowed, they found a way to squeeze in the fact that he was carrying a basket of nachos.

Take on the Mooch divorce

The Mooch has had a heck of a week, to call it an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. First he gets his dream job -and gets a huge tax break in the process through this law that allows people coming from private business who go to public work to allow them to get out without paying a bunch of taxes. Then he gets caught up in a bunch of controversial comments about Bannon self felating which is a visual none of us needed. Then he forces out Priebus after having already booted Spicer, then he gets divorced from his second wife who, it turns out, is 9 months pregnant who gives birth right in the middle of the other shit storm.
Remember NoDrama Obama? Trump is the polar opposite as he brings more drama than CBS does on a Wednesday night.

Take on the showdown

In this corner, wearing mom jeans, with his cell phone holder and his bald spot Reince Priebus, in the other 20 pounds of grease, sleaze and bad hair gel is Anthony "The Mooch" Scaramucci. This was a battle which didn't take long, sort of like the Tyson Spinks fight. The Mooch took his bosses playbook and played it perfectly, first giving his rival a private childlike nickname "Reince Penis", then blasting him in the media, then ousting his tag team partner and finally forcing him out yesterday afternoon. Priebus didn't stand a chance, he never did. A guy that nerdy just can't compete with all that testosterone and we'd all be better off not having the visual of The Mooch giving Reince a big atomic wedge and then shoving him into a locker like Trump did to Jeb!

But Priebus never had a shot, here is no way that Trump liked his guy, he's way too weak. Trump only respects true alpha and Priebus looks like he was in Lambda Lambda Lambda

But anyway, it's over and Mooch won. I mentioned to some friends that I couldn't wait for the tell-all books to come out, to which they commented. It's already all out there, it can't be much worse than this. Wait and see

Take on White House Propaganda

The White House transcript from the Mooch press briefing seems to differ from what he actually said. Somehow he went from sinking 3 foot to 30 foot puts basically overnight.

We're literally turning into North Korea with all official news now pure propaganda. The next thing you will hear is that Trump consistently has 5 hole in ones per round, can throw a 100mph fastball and doesn't have childlike small hands.

But here we are, our government is in a mode where all they seem to want to do is please the dear leader

Take on the transgender

There really aren't any more 'unpresidential' decisions than the one Donald J. Duck made today.  

He decided, upon the advice of his generals, that transgender people shouldn't be allowed to serve our country in uniform.

There really isn't a good military reason for this so the only explanation is that it's deflection for something else..  and that is the fact that Donald isn't ingratiating himself with his base with his attacks on Jeff Sessions.

I don't have any love loss for Sessions and the thought of rooting for him seemed as unlikely as me liking Brussels Sprouts when I was 12..  Jeff Sessions is loved by a certain level of crazy and if Donald is going to piss off those nutcases, his approval rating might reach the low 30s.. so he made a stand and decided to discriminate against a group of people he said he was going to defend.   Maybe he forgot that there was a T in LGTB, or maybe he just assumed the T stood for Trump

idiot.

take on arming the taliban

Today CNN reporting that the Russians are arming the Taliban against us in Afghanistan.

 

I kept thinking of the parallels (world power getting dragged into a war in there only to have another arm the opposition in some covert operation) and thought to myself  "YOU KNOW HOW THIS MOVIE ENDS"

but then it occurred to me that at that time we were in a cold-war with Russia, the difference today is that we are in a hot-tub with them and our president just ordered another bottle of bubbly.

 

Take on Kushner's voice

Thank God that Kushner will be testifying in private, it would have been very distracting to actually hear this guy speak. I am almost 100% sure that I've never actually heard his voice, it honestly could sound like Kermit the Frog and I wouldn't know it. What I do know is that the opening statement will get this guy hung by his sack at some point with all the push back on any accountability and denials of any knowledge.
I do give them credit for drafting it the way they did, it certainly sounds reasonable that Kush didn't read the string of emails or that he had hundreds of different people reach out to him. It also seems legit that he asked for help with his security forms as he was trying to wind down his business ties etc. This is where it irks me though, the guy wasn't applying for a job at Blockbuster, this was a little more important and farming it out to your secretary seems like a slight mistake.
If we are to accept him as boy wonder, he has to be better. This guy is going to solve every issue in our world before lunch, he's got more responsibility than any advisor ever but before he took that role, he didn't have a chance to read an email or check to make sure his T's were crossed and I's were dotted.

How is this guy going to solve the crisis in the Middle East if he can't do the little things right. How will we ever be able to solve the great ills of our time when he can't remember the name of the Russian ambassador he met

Sorry Kush, I think this is just the beginning of the end.

Take on the Amazon Washington Post

Some of Trump's bully nicknames really damaged his opponents as they were perfect hits to their fragile egos. Low Energy Jeb! was devastating, Little Marco was just mean, Crooked Hillary gave people the meme they needed to convince themselves to vote for Trump. As for news organizations, The Clinton News Network is sort of clever, I sort of get the Failing New York Times dig, it's not clever but it does have something to it that stings even if, since your presidency, subscriptions are soaring.

What I don't get is the Amazon Washington Post -I know where it comes from- but it isn't clever or interesting or stinging or anything. It's just kind of...weird. Like trying to diss somebody's intelligence but by school has really nice trees. Amazon is a legitimate beast in the business world, something Trump should appreciate, so constantly tying it to the Post doesn't drag it down. Maybe try the Unfair Washington Post or the Dysfunctional Washington Post or something. Because this dig kind of sucks

Take on Full Transparency

The Mooch is a mush.
Not only does he look like a cross between Andrew Cuomo and a horny hyena, he's about as tone deaf as it comes. But when you talk about people in this administration, that's just par for the course.
Full transparency when you delete all your tweets is like saying full exposure while wearing a turtle neck.

But this is what Trump wants, a rough around the edges, NY wiseguy who looks like he has more than a few bodies buried in his backyard. So full disclosure, I wouldn't trust the mooch anywhere near any female member of my family. Something tells me this guy has had a few times in his left when he has had to change his poor recollection on things and events.

Take on Melissa McCarthy's new role

Poor Mellisa McCarthy, she was just about to sign a long term deal but found the doors to the elevator locked over at 40 Rock. This is the way it goes I guess when you make your living as somebody who our president doesn't quite like. I guess the bright side is that it does open up a spot for somebody to play Anthony Scaramucci who looks like a cross between a horny hyena and one of the guys from Jersey Shore.

But, maybe Lorne Michael should open that elevator because we'll get another Melissa McCarthy lookalike up as new press secretary with Sarah Huckabee Sanders taking over

But in all seriousness, I'd like to thank Spicey for the tireless work, the hours of laughs and the bold faced lies, it's a service to our country sort of like defending the bombing a small Vietnamese village would be but I guess somebody had to do it. It can't be easy to defend the indefensible.

take on the history teacher in chief

Our president goes on these rambling diatribes where he tries to explain to his audience basic facts about history that most everybody already knows.    He always starts those statements with something like 'most people don't know this but..' 

The translation to this is "I didn't know this but"

But like anybody who crams for something, most of what he absorbs is virtually nothing and unlike the guy who crams, he can't even regurgitate the information.

One day he is telling you that 'most people don't realize that Lincoln was a Republican' which is just a basic fact and I guess we should give him credit for repeating it correctly.   Other times he talks right out of his ass like when he spoke about Fredrick Douglas as if he's about to pop out of a cake at the NAACP bash or talks about Napoleon and Hitler's campaigns into Russia and boils the entire thing down a 10 second clip of not having brought warm enough gloves.    But nothing tops his version of the Civil War which he claims could have been worked out if they only had the right deal-maker running the show at that point implying that Andrew Jackson was the deal-maker extraordinaire

 

There could easily be a podcast set up with clips of Trump telling you his version of history.. 

Take on the Jeff Sessions regret

As Trump expressed regret for hiring Jeff Sessions, we wonder how many Americans have similar regret in hiring Donald Trump. I certainly have to think that by now, anybody with half a brain or have a conscious realizes that they signed us up for a horrible roller coated ride seated next to a fat man who just chowed down on a burrito grande.
This is the country we have chosen, one where news is dubbed as fake, anonymous sources are called inadequate and a cabinet member's loyalty is questioned if he doesn't abuse his power.
But the article by Maggie Haberman in today's Times really does show how much this Russian investigation is wearing on Don because he can't seem to find the oxygen in the room to breath anymore. Next week with Little Don, Paulie Walnuts and J-Kush testifying before congress might be the most can't miss TV in a decade (or at least as long as it's been since Comey did)
Get your popcorn ready

take on the secret G20 meeting

when your average G20 head of state has an impromptu meeting with another nobody takes notice but truthfully, it's kind of expected at those things.   The issue is when Donald J. Trump meets with Putin, our ears go up.  it's not that something nefarious happened it's that it might have and nobody would be surprised if it did..  The thing is that everytime there is a Trump at a meeting with a Russian, something gets left out of the official version.  Either they forget to mention who was there, when it was or most of the time, that there was a meeting at all.    But this is the world we live in, where our president is selling our country down the river to a guy who likes to prance around topless.

thanks 63M

Take on the Made in America brand.

How dumb is the average American?? I'm not sure but when you see that there are still 36% of us who support President Trump despite the ass banging he's given the office, you wonder just how dumb we are. This is a president who talks about making America great while he gives a handy to his buddy Vlad under the table, this is a guy who can't even stick to his own "made in America" creed with his crappy ties and his daughters tacky shirts. This guy hates American made so much that he traded in his last words for an East European version. He hates his own kids, he's a walking hypocrisy and he looks like a bloated pumpkin yet he can't get lower. Honestly, at this point he really could shoot somebody on 5th avenue and may actually pick up a few votes (other than the dead guy of course). This is a guy who proudly talks about not being presidential but modern presidential, which apparently means appealing to the lowest common denominator always.

But this is Trump and this is us. We're all so screwed.

Take on the worst president of all time

Hey Donald, hate to mention this but 36% <> almost 40%. We're six months into your disastrous presidency and every poll shows you dropping further and further down. You haven't accomplished anything for our country yet, although your golf courses have probably have done really well. Do you realize that your tweet a half a dozen times about attending the Women's USOpen and not once about the nuance of your healthcare bill. Then again, you are a small handed and small minded man who is not in this to make anything better or greater or even slightly improved. The only thing you want to make anything is yourself a lot of money. I'm wondering now what is a bigger turnoff of a human

- somebody smoking outside of a town pool
- somebody with a bunch of ugly tattoos at said down pool
- somebody wearing a red hat at the same town pool

There seems to be a certain while trashy overlap for all of them.

Take on Ty Cobb

I guess Shoeless Joe Jackson was busy this week. 

Today the White House named Ty Cobb as a special council which I can only imagine means he'll come with spikes up while hating on black people.  I'm. It sure it's ever a good sign for presidents to have special council who you know by name, I certainly don't remember many other ones 

But what was the most interesting part of this Ty Cobb story was that CNN embedded that information into a tweet (https://twitter.com/cnni/status/886302163676401664) about Somali women getting attacked by sexual predators.  This tweet was tagged with a huge photo of Ty Cobb who does sort of look unscrupulous and unkempt although I'm not 100% sure that he is a sexual predator.  

So CNN might be better off tweeting that Somali story out with a photo of the original Ty Cobb 

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Take on the biggest meeting ever

The Trump jr. Meeting keeps getting bigger and bigger, every time I turn around there is another person there.  Originally it was Little Don, Jarred and Manafort with the Russian attorney lady, then we found out Bobby Baccala was there, too.  Then a Russian lobbyist who was ex-KGB (by the way ex-KGB just mean Extra KGB) and a translator and now there is another.  So there were at least 8 people at they meeting 

Read on the inter web that 

This 15 minute nothingburger of a meeting just keeps getting bigger and bigger! 

With that many people it would take 15 minutes just for the introductions and pleasantries.  You need name tags at this point to keep everybody straight 

An for a big nothingburger you are asking a lot of people to fly really far distances and take political risks, chances of this being a big waste of time is likely 0%

Chances of #8 being LittleFinger Don???  I'd say those are pretty pretty pretty good 

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Take on the Trump Macron weird handshake

When Trump went to shake hands with Emmanuel Marion and his wife, we all expected something awkward because, well, he's Donald Trump and he always acres these things up. Well Donald didn't disappoint when he first gave her an weird handshake and then told her she looked like she works out. I guess he was trying be charming but when a 71 year old man leers at you, it's about as charming as a guy kissing on you on the F train

But the thing that bothered me most was how skinny Brigitte Macron's arms are, have some escargot or foie gras or something.

Take on the Putin meeting

Trump's meeting with Putin lasted a lot longer than originally scheduled which everybody assumed was because Trump was buys cleaning up his chin but in hindsight it was something all together different. We'll sort of.
Trump said he asked Putin if he was Ali bomber in hacking he election which Putin answered with an unequivocal 'no'. Trump claimed he asked him about this for 20-30 minutes which seems odd being that Trump can't ever keep himself on message for 20 to 30 seconds before going off on a rambling tangent. But the best part of Trump's recollection was that he then said that he asked Putin again "in a totally different way". I can't imagine what that was other than trying the old "when did you stop beating your wife" thing.
Strangely enough hr old KGB guy didn't fall for that one either, Vlad trumped Donald again

Take on Rob Goldstone

If this administration sinks under his own weight, let's hope Rob Goldstone is the last 320 pounds needed to do it. Goldstone has become the new Roger Stone or Page Carter as the liaison between Team Trump and Team Vlad and who better than this slob who looks like he ate Don Jr. I've no idea who this guy is but one thing is for sure, nobody expected the White House to go down because of a guy who looks like Bobby Baccala.
Like most things, this will slide off of Trump's back like water off the back of a duck, mostly because we'll have another controversy to get or panties in a bunch about in a day.

Only 3 1/2 years to go

Take on Little Donnie Trump

Two days ago Little Donnie had a meeting about adoption, the next day the meeting also included some random dirt on Hillary and today it turns out Little Donnie knew the dirt was coming and that it came from MotherRussia itself.   Maybe this isn't illegal and I've heard a few people discuss collusion today and it actually doesn't seem like it has a place in politics (or fantasy football) by its strict definition.   What it does show is that Little Donnie was more than happy to play dirty, but even that isn't that different than normal politicians.  What is different is that Little Donnie was talking right to Vlad, a guy who everybody in the world except for Big Don, Vlad himself and Sean Hannity admit tried to hack the election. 

I expect Lindsay Graham and John McCain to come out and condemn this and then do absolutely nothing about it 

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Take on the adoption

Little Don may have just shoved his foot way into the mouth of his father. After yesterday's previously undisclosed reports of meetings with a prominent kremlin lawyer was explained as being about adoption, the oldest Trump son had to backtrack and admit that the meeting was initially set up to get dirt on Hillary. He claims that after the dirt they were hoping to get was a bust, he said the meeting then changed to policy which obviously wasn't something they wanted to waste any time with. This is the craziness of this situation, three of the Trump campaign's highest ranking surrogates are meeting with a Russian with promises of dirt and they then try to convince us that they had nothing to do with Russia
If this week continues this way, Trump may put little Don up for adoption

Take on the Trump kids terrible week

The grown Trump kids are having a heck of a week. First Ivanka got crap for getting to sit in her daddy's seat while he went to take a leak during the G20 meeting, then it was revealed that Don jr. set up a meeting with a prominent Russian attorney with Kremlin ties and finally they found out that Eric finally cheated to get past the last level in Mario Brothers. These Trump kids are really having a hell of a week, the kind that John Henson would have had a field day covering on E!
But this Donnie jr. revelation is exactly the kind that the crazies like Seth Abramson, Claude Taylor and Louise Mensch have been talking about, so maybe those guys are better connected than we thought.

Hopefully Tiffany got into that sorority she's been pledging.

Take on the Purim pow-wow

Trump mocked Obama and Hillary for years for not saying "radical Islamic terrorists" yet he won't say "Russia hacked the election"

Weird how that works

You just know that a guy who has made his fame as a television star should be aware that the look is sometimes more important than the content.  You'd have to think that the state department had every opportunity to fukly choreograph today's Putin pow-wow for the photographers.  There was obviously noting substantive that was going to come out of this, or at least nothing positive and still they manage to screw up the look as regardless of whtbis discussed, the optics looks bad.   This is where this administration shows it's least self awareness, the entire world is accusing you of colluding with Russia and when you leave the meeting you basically say that you looked into Putin's eyes and saw a guy you trust. 

By the way, Putin wasn't some yokel in his past life, something tells me that he's mastered the art of deception.  

 

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Take on Trump's hotel trouble

As a business traveler, I've dealt with flight delays, cancellations, missed connections, overbooked rooms, missing reservations but I've never shown up in a city and forgotten to book a hotel. I can see how this is frustrating but this is a thing in anal about. I make sure that I always have a place to sleep and will double and triple check that my reservation exists. Our president obviously forgot to download TripIt on his Samsung Galaxy because had he done so, he would have gotten a message stating that he's missing accommodations for one of the nights.
You just have to love the thought of this administration who thought sending Jared Kushner to the Middle East would solve a problem that has perplexed the region for a thousand years, yet they cannot do something as simple as book a hotel on Expedia.

These are the morons leading our country.

Take on HanAssholeSolo

There is literally nothing in less interested in than knowing the identity of HanAssholeSolo and I can't understand why anybody does. I didn't ask for, or read, his apology, he is an internet troll who posts a stupid gifs online and giving him any further platform actually perpetuates the problem and gives him the one thing he craves...an open forum

See don't even care that he posted a lame gif and find no reason he should apologize for it. I hate Trump with vengeance of a 1000 horny goats but I could care less about stuff like this. It wasn't presidential by any stretch but really it wasn't insulting to anybody and I really don't see it as inciting violence against the media. This is the epitome of non-violence because it's a WWE clip which literally means it isn't actually violent. The only violence it might incite -and I agree with- is the violence against a loser like HanAssholeSolo for having maybe the dumbest screen-name of any online forum I've ever seen.

Take on Jamie Horowitz

I literally have no opinion of Jamie Horowitz, I read something about her today and haven't thought about her since she was just a random Jewish girl I went to high school with. She has left no impression on me and I'm not even sure she was in my class but I saw that she was fired by FoxSports today which made me sort of sad for her. . They called the firing abrupt which I'm sure is true and there must be a backstory but the most telling one is the fact that Horowitz is one ugly chick (or dude I'm still not sure).

The FoxSports job must be super stressful because after only a few years at the helm, it looks like one of those photos they take of the president at the end of his term when he has gotten gray and old looking. Eight years in office ages these guys like 25 years but it's nothing compared to poor Jamie who looks like she has aged even worse

From the accompanying photo, he/she looks like a radioactive turtle which I can only blame on his/her having been bit by an infected Colin Cowherd. Anyway, here's to many more years of happy trails with whatever you plan to do with your life, Jamie. I hope the rest of your life is easier than the last few years must have been.

Take on Big Chris

Chris Christie is a disgusting human, I'm not talking about his politics but his actual self, he's just a gigantic bucket of lard. With the state beaches closed, this tub of lard laid out with his family which was captured by some National Esquire-esque ultra zoom photography. They got Big Chris sitting in a beach chair which looks like it's about as stable as the Bayonne bridge. This poor thing is bowing and bent like it's been beaten by an elephant, and it sort of has

So for the love of all that is good in this world, get off of the chair and back onto your little motorized scooter and head back to Trenton, you gigantic swamp thing

Take on presidential etiquette

Trump was at it again today tweeting away between the 9th and 10th holes. On the extended holiday weekend honoring our country, he took on Morning Coffee, CNN and the losers who didn't vote for him all while explaining the activity as non presidential. This is where we are now, a president so caught in his own head that he can't even make a half hearted attempt to placate the country with a mundane "happy 4th of July" message. But then again a president whose press team is becoming more reclusive, a president who hasn't had a news conference in months and who tweets out videos of him wrestling with a big CNN symbol is probably not equipped to run the third shift of a Burger King is running our country.
Glad the North Korean threat, peace in the Middle
East and our education systems have all been taken care of so that he can take care of important things like saying Joe Scarborough is a loser

Take on the Trump Election commission

Trump's answer to the Russian election hack is to do nothing. Well nothing officially but probably has been giving Putin a little action under the table for his troubles. Well after a lot of pressure his answer is some election commission where they have asked for the voter rolls of every state, nothing weird about that. I also read that they have asked he states to send them using some unsecured server which considering all the issues we are having seems like a absolutely terrible idea which in TrumpWorld is also know as Tuesday
But this is our president, noting he ever does is done for the good of the American people, he works for the Trump corporation and that is it