Take on PreCheck

The great inventions of the 21st century include: free online porn,
cheese inside the pizza crust and Pre Check. For the last year, I
haven't had to take my shoes off, remove my laptop from a bag or even
slowed down as I've breezed through airports which, for somebody who
logged 75,000 Miles last year alone, is a blessing. For everything
the TSA does wrong, both the PreCheck and Global Entry are ones they
do very very right. The application, interview process and wait time
for approval for GlobalEntry may not make it worthwhile for the guy
who goes to Cancun once per year but for somebody who takes anywhere
between 4-6 international trips per year, it's time well spent. But
the real value is actually in the travel with kids as they can zip
through the PreCheck lines with the cleared parent and not have to
worry about pulling five thousand toys out of bags and strollers

My only complaint (you knew this was coming) is that it's getting a
bit too popular. Like the sky-lounges which were once havens for true
road-warriors but have turned into a free-for-all for anybody with an
AmericanAirlines credit card, this program now has lines that are
approaching that of the normal ones..

Take on the Playboy App

There can't be a more disappointing app out there than the Playboy
one. Not only is it terrible, it is completely PG which, if it were
GQ would be fine but since this bares the name of the bare-all
magazine you think it could have been safe to assume that it would
have at least a nip, a cheek or, god forbid, the side of a boob

I want my $0.00 back

Take on the pickup and trailer on the neighbors driveway

There really are not many things less appealing in a new neighborhood
than seeing a guy up your street park a big trailer hitched up to a
truck in his driveway. I get that people (hicks) have things to move
and lug, but the second one of these things is parked on a block, the
property value for all surrounding houses drops 20%. It is not that
people hate pickup trucks or trailers, it's that people who pay to
live in suburban NYC don't want to feel like they are living in
Tennessee.
Just get a damned minivan like the rest of us, hillbilly

Take on the final walk through

I've rented a number of apartments throughout my life and have always
returned them "broom swept". Except for one occasion, I've been able
to get my entire security deposit back and that was mainly because my
then-3 year old had drawn all over the walls and then also the Pinda
Flannigan (name changed) incident when I had money blatantly stolen
from me
So I was used the impression that I had a pretty good sense of how
this was suppose to work. I move my crap out, wash the walls of any
markers and paint, sweep the floors and turn off the lights like the
last episode of Three's Company

When I did my final walk-through a few weeks ago for a rental we'd had
for the last few years I was surprised when the agent asked if I was
going to have the place professionally cleaned. Not only had I not
planned to do this but I never thought it was necessary. Every place
I have ever rented had a 'broom swept' clause in the lease

What shocked me is that the agent told me that the place was to be
returned in the same condition as we had been presented. She was
shocked saying that this was the first time she's seen they and said
that she had the place professionally cleaned before we moved in.
This seemed odd as I distinctly remember cleaning the tops of the
cabinets to remove an inch of dust, cleaning out all the cabinets and
having to mop all the floors. But my question is..if a professionally
cleaned apartment is the expectation, why did the agent have it
cleaned herself after the last tenants left being that they would have
professionally cleaned it themselves before leaving it.

Secondly, since you are planning on painting the place before you are
going to rent it again why would you want anybody to waste money
cleaning it?

take on the satellite photos

Every time I click over to CNN.com they are posting another story of some satellite pictures of the South Indian sea with some white blob on a black background which they say could be debris from flight 370.   I’m hoping for a conclusion for this, if only for the families who need some closure but I have to say that I can’t imagine what is taking this long.    Every time they see something with a satellite, I read that there are a bunch of ships heading to the area but for some reason they ships move about as quickly as a turtle because we've heard the same story a hundred times already.  

The funny thing is that the only satellite pictures we've seen posted are from Thailand or Singapore or Bangladesh and they look about as crisp as the pictures my mother in law takes of the grand-kids.   A guy asked me today if I thought this was as sharp as they could get with a satellite photo and I assured him that this isn't even close to it.   I’m sure the NSA can get a picture of the pimples on my ass as I get out of the shower, so there is no reason to believe that the best thing we could get when it comes to this is what basically looks like a four week ultrasound..

The thing is that we have yet to see a satellite picture from the USA and there is a good reason behind it.   It’s not that we haven’t seen anything in the ocean yet, we just haven’t released our photos cause we don’t want the rest of the world know what kind of detail we can zoom into..

Take on the tip jar

What good is a tip if nobody sees it. I was on line today, like I am
a few days per week, to get a dirty gyro. I try to make sure my guys
are well taken care of, knowing it to ably leads directly to an extra
piece of gyro. I ordered my food and go to drop a dollar in the tip
jar and stop in my tracks. The problem was the dude making the gyro
out his head down just as I was reaching for the tip jar. Now I was
stuck mid-air with a difficult decision.
i) Do I either just drop the dollar in the jar knowing nobody will
notice. If a dollar falls in a forest do you get extra meat??
ii) do I pull my dollar back and try again a couple of seconds later
knowing that if I'm caught pulling back it'll look really badly

I decided to call an audible and go with option iii). I coughed
loudly enough to get him to look up, he smiled and added a bit of
extra gyro to my plate

One problem is that I also coughed all over the cart, so if anybody in
midtown feels a bit queazy today, now you know why

Take on the 98% Crimea vote

It's been three months since the uprising started in the Ukraine and a couple of weeks since Putin decided to take out his big Russian stick and basically annex the island back to mother Russia.

the history of this is probably 500 years old but since I am not going to go back that far, we know this much...

After WWII when the entirety of Europe was redrawn to placate the real muscle behind Hitler's demise, Josef Stalin, a lot of countries were forced into one position or another.    A bunch of them became got eaten up by the greater USSR and a bunch of them just became part of the greater Eastern Bloc and reinforced through he Warsaw Pact..    After WWII the Ukraine was basically engulfed into the greater Soviet state.  At some point under the great soviet flag, a little island on the Black Sea was transferred from Russia to the Ukraine but as nobody was expecting the entire USSR to collapse, this was like a father giving responsibility for the family dog to his son.  Maybe the son was going to have to walk and feed him sometimes but you better believe that the old-man was going to be picking up plenty of dog sh*t and if that mutt ever bit somebody, it would be the father getting sued.  

Fast Forward a few years and the Soviet state collapses and the Russian go through a few lean years, let's dub those the Boris years.    Putin finally takes over and when he does he brings a certain level of KGB machismo back to Russians.   He's ready to retake Mother Russia's place on the world stage and as long as they keep pumping out gas and oil, everybody sort of ignores his gestures as Napoleon-esque but he's got some clout -and a bunch of resources- so he stays in the conversation.   Everybody thinks that the world is in a big harmony but the problem is that the West is looking one way and he's looking the other and at some point, push comes to shove.

 

First they try to dip their toe in the water with Georgia, keep some power plays with Syria, Iran etc. and continue to be a bit of thorn in the side of the west when we it comes to UN resolutions.    Then when there is a public uprising in the Ukraine and the population throws out a pro-Russian prime minister for a pro-EU one, Putin decides its time to break out the big guns.. The truth is that they don't really care about Crimea and this is just a power play but it have Putin a chance to rip off his shirt and go riding horseback.  Now the West is up in arms (without actually having any desire to pick up any arms) and this hostile take-over but there are a few issues here..   He knows that NATO, and the US in particular, has no stomach for another war, so he decides to basically take the little island.  Crimea has a referendum which comes out 98% favor of leaving the Ukraine and joining Mother Russia, so with Yugoslavia in the rear view mirror he has precedence.  

the issues the West has are as follows

- if you are going to accept the ouster of a prime-minister because of that is what the public wants and it suits your needs, you can't then decide that the will of the people means nothing when it comes to deciding whether they want to be annexed.  

- if you are going to push to allow Kosovo to leave Serbia, then you can't really dis-allow the Crimean people from doing the same thing 

- if you are going to get angry and throw Russia out of your gang of 8 and make it a gang of 7, you better hope that this is enough incentive for them to change their mind because I think we seriously doubt that.  

- if you are going to try to bleed them dry by holding the money hostage of 20 or so Putin oligarch cronies, you better expect a long battle cause those guys have a lot of money and a lot of resources to get more..   This is not exactly the most honest part of the world to do business in.

But the one counter-argument which makes the most sense came to be from a journalist I met in Europe last week..   He said that the 98% referendum result is where the trouble lies.  Not because it was so overwhelming in favor of the people but exactly because it was so overwhelming.  The only places where you get 98% agreement on anything is in North Korea, Cuba and..well.. Soviet elections.   Ask 100 people what color the sky is and you can't get 98%, ask 100 dudes if Kate Hudson is hot and you can't get a 98% consensus and ask 100 college kids if they like pizza and unprotected sex and you can't get near that number. 

So, you have to take those results with a grain of salt and if you do, then maybe the answer isn't so clear after-all.

but the truth is that we don't have the stomach, money or will to do anything substantial about it, so have to accept that we'll let Putin keep taking his Russian stick out..   But realize that next is the rest of Eastern Ukraine, then maybe Estonia and then Poland..  then maybe we'll take notice..

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the happiness index

There was some study published a few months ago which tested overall happiness.  I was surprised that the USA had one of the higher levels of happiness out there because everybody here is always pissed off and angry.  Although Canadians are much happier even if they are forced to watch hockey around the clock which I guess is because they have Montreal's fantastic night life. Holland does well despise the fact you have to wash your hands with cold water and their entire concept of fashion revolves around wearing a many colors as humanly possible in as tight a art of clothes as you can squeeze themselves into

The study found a bunch of the sub Saharan counties to have the lowest happiness index which made sense and a bunch of others like Spain, Greece, Egypt and Syria had major declines over the few years which could all be attributed to larger issues in the country

The other countries on the list with low levels included China (the place is one gigantic smog pit), India (millions of people living on abject poverty) and places like Iraq and Afghanistan.   Mexico, despite the deadly drug trade and all those bad burritos ranks about even with the US which proves that all those siestas do help improve happiness and all the East Asian counties seem to get lumped in together proving that bad haircuts and pork fries rice does offer some joy. 

But what is most impressive is that the top of the list of happiness are all those Nordic countries, despite the fact they get about 2 hours of sunlight half the year.  I couldn't quite figure out what made these Vikings so happy, till I saw a map of the area and realized the entire region looks like one gigantic flaccid penis with jizz all over the top of Europe.  It's like those savages decided to use the EU and jam it's gigantic two headed winkie right in all available orifice and then explode all over it' ample breasts and as any man knows, the happiest and most content five minutes of his life is right after sex. 

Here is the complete list, it's a few months old so I'd imagine the 2014 one will have some movement (Ukraine, Malaysia, Russia). 

1. Denmark (7.693)

2. Norway (7.655)

3. Switzerland (7.650)

4. Netherlands (7.512)

5. Sweden (7.480)

6. Canada (7.477)

7. Finland (7.389)

8. Austria (7.369)

9. Iceland (7.355)

10. Australia (7.350)

11. Israel (7.301)

12. Costa Rica (7.257)

13. New Zealand (7.221)

14. United Arab Emirates (7.144)

15. Panama (7.143)

16. Mexico (7.088)

17. United States (7.082)

18. Ireland (7.076)

19. Luxembourg (7.054)

20. Venezuela (7.039)

21. Belgium (6.967)

22. United Kingdom (6.883)

23. Oman (6.853)

24. Brazil (6.849)

25. France (6.764)

26. Germany (6.672)

27. Qatar (6.666)

28. Chile (6.587)

29. Argentina (6.562)

30. Singapore (6.546)

31. Trinidad and Tobago (6.519)

32. Kuwait (6.515)

33. Saudi Arabia (6.480)

34. Cyprus (6.466)

35. Colombia (6.416)

36. Thailand (6.371)

37. Uruguay (6.355)

38. Spain (6.322)

39. Czech Republic (6.290)

40. Suriname (6.269)

41. South Korea (6.267)

42. Taiwan (6.221)

43. Japan (6.064)

44. Slovenia (6.060)

45. Italy (6.021)

46. Slovakia (5.969)

47. Guatemala (5.965)

Malta (5.964)
49

Ecuador (5.865)

50. Bolivia (5.857)


51. Poland (5.822)


52. El Salvador (5.809)

53. Moldova (5.791)

54. Paraguay (5.779)

55. Peru (5.776)


56. Malaysia (5.760)

57. Kazakhstan (5.671)

58. Croatia (5.661)

59. Turkmenistan (5.628)

60. Uzbekistan (5.623)

61. Angola (5.589)


62. Albania (5.550)

63. Vietnam (5.533)


64. Hong Kong (5.523)


65. Nicaragua (5.507)


66. Belarus (5.504)


67. Mauritius (5.477)


68. Russia (5.464)


69. North Cyprus (5.463)


70. Greece (5.435)


71. Lithuania (5.426)


72. Estonia (5.426)


73. Algeria (5.422)


74. Jordan (5.414)


75. Jamaica (5.374)


76. Indonesia (5.348)


77. Turkey (5.345)


78. Libya (5.340)


79. Bahrain (5.312)


80. Montenegro (5.299)


81. Pakistan (5.292)


82. Nigeria (5.248)


83. Kosovo (5.222)


84. Honduras (5.142)


85. Portugal (5.101)


86. Ghana (5.091)


87. Ukraine (5.057)


88. Latvia (5.046)


89. Kyrgyzstan (5.042)


90. Romania (5.033)


91. Zambia (5.006)


92. Philippines (4.985)


93. China (4.978)


94. Mozambique (4.971)


95. Dominican Republic (4.963)

96. South Africa (4.963)


97. Lebanon (4.931)


98. Lesotho (4.898)


99. Morocco (4.885)


100. Swaziland (4.867)


101. Somaliland region (4.847)

102. Mongolia (4.834)


103. Zimbabwe (4.827)


104. Tunisia (4.826)

105. Iraq (4.817)

106. Serbia (4.813)

107. Bosnia and Herzegovina (4.813)

108. Bangladesh (4.804)

109. Laos (4.787)

110. Hungary (4.775)

111. India (4.772)

112. Mauritania (4.758)

113. Palestinian Territories (4.700)

114. Djibouti (4.690)

115. Iran (4.643)

116. Azerbaijan (4.604)

117. Congo (Kinshasa) (4.578)

118. Macedonia (4.574)

119. Ethiopia (4.561)

120. Uganda (4.443)

121. Myanmar (4.439)

122. Cameroon (4.420)

123. Kenya (4.403)

124. Sudan (4.401)

125. Tajikistan (4.380)

126. Haiti (4.341)

127. Sierra Leone (4.318)

128. Armenia (4.316)

129. Congo (Brazzaville) (4.297)

130. Egypt (4.273)

131. Burkina Faso (4.259)

132. Mali (4.247)

133. Liberia (4.196)

134. Georgia (4.187)

135. Nepal (4.156)

136. Niger (4.152)

137. Sri Lanka (4.151)

138. Gabon (4.114)

139. Malawi (4.113)

140. Cambodia (4.067)

141. Chad (4.056)

142. Yemen (4.054)

143. Afghanistan (4.040)

144. Bulgaria (3.981)

145. Botswana (3.970)

146. Madagascar (3.966)

147. Senegal (3.959)

148. Syria (3.892)

149. Comoros (3.851)

150. Guinea (3.847)

151. Tanzania (3.770)

152. Rwand2a4 (3.715)

153. Burundi (3.706)

154. Central African Republic (3.623)

155. Benin (3.528)

156. Togo (2.936)

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the "more leg room" gimmick

Can somebody explain what the hell Delta is touting with this economy
comfort thing? Yeah, I get that I'm sitting a bit closer to the front
of the plane and I realize that -theoretically- there is more leg room
but in row crib my 6'2" frame is jammed so far up against the seat in
front of me that I may as well check my fellow passenger for polyps.
Now each flight and airplane is a bit different, and it's basically a
giveaway for frequent fliers but I cannot believe that there is
actually anybody trumpeting this as some great value for the weary
eyed traveller who's sleep deprived and hung over because my leg has
been asleep for an hour yet the cruel irony is that my body can't
follow suit.

Take on the overhead headset

Ground control to Major Tom, what is your position??

Is there anything more odd than seeing a grown man wearing an
over-the-head microphone headphone when speaking on a cellphone?
Sitting in the terminal at Charles de Gaulle yesterday, I caught this
dude in his early 50's looking like he was more likely to be playing
WoW than making a phone-call and sadly he didn't seem to notice.
I get the convenience of a headset but when you look like a customer
service rep for Sports Illustrated and you are not offering football
phones then there something is wrong with the entire world as I know
it

Take on the Shandy

Germans have been an integral part of innovation for most of their
existence. They're work with car engines, aerospace and modern
warfare is legendary. They are also a country which offers excellent
choices in beer, especially within Bavaria, so you could imagine my
surprise when I was introduced to something called the Spreer this
week. Apparently, this conception has already made it over the pond
although guess the first time I'd ever heard of if and I wish I never
had. For some reason they cannot seem to be able to explain, they
have decided to create a new drink my mixing perfectly good beer with
a sprite. Now, not only is a Sprite kind if disgusting by itself but
mixing it into a beer somehow makes if ever worse. It's supposed to
be a drink enjoyed outside during the summer to keep the alcohol
content down but we somebody should notify these wieners that we
American's have a perfectly good option for this already with the
invention of the BudLite. Think Zima but somehow less good, the
Spreer taste like a kid stood in front of a soda dispenser and mixed a
little of each soda together in their BurgerKing cup and is about as
mature.
Supposedly they'll also offer a version where they mix Coke with beer
and in find German tradition they called it the worst of all the
racial epitaphs.

Take on the German chick

There really aren't many people who are ruder than the Germans. I get
into Munich last night after a long day and painfully turbulent flight
and go get a beer and a weiner schnitzel at the hotel bar. I sit
down, nod at the bartender and check my phone for word from my
colleague. I look back and the bartender is nowhere near me, she has
her back to me and for the next 10 minutes I try to get her attention
to absolutely no avail. I felt like I was back in the single days
with every hot chick completely ignoring me. Except in this case, I
am sitting at a bar and would very much like to quench my thirst.
When I finally get her attention she says in her harsh German tongue

"I see you.. I will be with you when I have time"

This is not a chick you are trying to pick up but rather one from who
I am trying to purchase an alcoholic beverage

Thanks KeriAnn Schlaugerbier.

Take on the wall

I really shouldn't do any home improvement project because the second
I do, my house drops in value by 3%. I tried to hang some heavy duty
blackout curtains last week, using some of the biggest screw anchors I
could find. After one day, my curtain rod was hanging a bit off,
after the second day it looked like a heavy fellow was sitting on it
and when I arrived in Romania I was sent a few pictures. This thing
came out and basically took out half my wall and now I got my weekend
plans

Just glad the entire house didn't come out

Take on the Righetti Bag of Crap

As I was putting together the latest edition of the Righetti Bag of Crap after successfully auctioning the mystery item off online for $29, I found that although if contained enough of the usual crap (shirts, old cell phones, books, figurines, household appliances etc.) it lacked something.  We run one of these auctions about once per year and make no promises except a completely full 12x12x13 box, but the Righetti BOC comes with some expectations.  The problem is that those expectations (porn) have kind of gone the way of most print media, nobody has any physical material anymore and the Righetti Stash was sent our with the last BOC.  

I thought that the RBOC could not possibly be complete without at least some pornography so although the BOC is suppose to be items I find laying around my house and desk, I thought about actually purchasing some which turned out to be easier said than done

No where in the great city of Manhattan can you buy any, it's like  the entire city has gone dry.  There are no sex shops, no peepshow places and certainly no respectable newsstand had any, so the BOC recipient got the following instead

Instructions

Turn on computer

Launch Safari, Explorer, Firefox, Netscape, etc

Scroll to the address bar and enter y-o-u-p-o-r-n. dot com and press enter

Grab tissues

Erase history 

 

By the way, here are the full contents

"Pictures of it all:http://s1061.photobu...ennisr/library/

 

The first thing I noticed when I opened the BOX was how much C was in the B.

The next thing I noticed was that it smelled musty.  Then I noticed the smell of balls.  Balls as in Nuts.  WTF!??!!  Why does the box smell like balls?

 

Oh well, only one way to find out.

This is what I took out of the box in order.  It’s a lot:

 

Leg Warmers with buttons

3 used paper New Year’s Eve horns

New Motion Sensing Alarm

Hand held shoot basket in basketball in a globe game with broken scoreboard

Drink Mixer with Mud Slide Mix and a one Chinese RMB note (.16 US cents)

A Christmas giftbox with instruction note stuck inside and a losing Giants to win the 2014 SB ticket @ 19/1

A vey well read issue of The Economist

A dog eared Costa Rica Guide Book that clearly has been to Costa Rica and back

Webster 21 Century Dictionary with a half completed Jan 25^th, crossword puzzle stuck in page 151

One Innovation 2014 Calendar (new)

Kurt Cobain Journals

Smoking Balcony Pen

Discounted left over Gold Bond body power (aha, the ball smell!)

IPhone Screen Protector for 4G

Mourn Not Your Dead book. On the title page, someone wrote in pencil “Good” before Mourn and May 1997 after the authors name.

New 8GB SDHC Card

A tarnished beer mug with a joker’s hat and ring inside

Hotel Rwanda DVD with top sealed and bottom of package opened

A plastic bag full of stuff:

                Plastic golf toys

                L- Shrink wrap Tshirt in a 1 inch box

                Bottle opener with Puerto Rico flag & green opener

                Wallet

                Old sealed box of Durex Perfomax Condoms

                A62 Samsung cellphone, phone made for very small people

A sweaty Thundormuffin t-shirt.  Sweaty?  Seriously?   Source of the musty smell.

Mystery item

Yellow Stress ball (Made in China)

50 Plastres Egyptian Currency

Delta Pen

Treasure Island $10 to win $100 on Kasey Kahne to win Daytona 500

A bunch more junk: plastic case, pen, an empty bag, mint, medicine, Visine, George Michael Faith cassette tape, Visine, lighter, plugs, used lottery card, battery, and a Dave Righetti baseball card

Frisbee

More betting slips, a picture of snow, more Egyptian money

A bottle of Sake wrapper in bubble wrap."

 

 

Also got this nice note

 

"Thanks Righetti!  The living room aired right out, and the smell of sweat and balls is gone. "

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the neck pillow

There is really nothing less tough looking than a dude with a
camouflage outfit, a beard, a rifle and a neck pillow. It's not that
a neck pillow isn't something I would have paid for when actually
stuck on an 16 hour flight to Romania but it's just not something
you'd ever catch me walking around with. This is where airlines would
really do their passengers a major favor and offer them those
neck-pillows instead of those disgusting peanuts or flat ass pillows
and bed-bug infested blankets they now hurl our way

Take on the status of flight 370

A week later and we still have no idea what happened to flight
370...well I am here to tell you that I know what happened and it's
right there for you to figure out too.

The flight was hijacked and flown to Pakistan, where it either landed
in the dead of night or crashed before getting there

The reason the Malaysian government has been so coy about this thing
is because they know that flight was hijacked and it was hijacked by a
Malaysian nationalist. I don't know if it was the pilot, co-pilot or a
passenger but it was hijacked, I am sure
The reason they threw this Iranian stolen passport is to try to
deflect the blame but this thing started and ended in Malaysia and the
reason it took that hard left when they hit Vietnam airspace was
because they is where one county's radar passes it on to another and
they knew that in the confusion, they could disappear. Their
intention was to land that plane in Pakistan, Kazakhstan or
VangundyStan and whether or not they made it to a secret landing strip
is still not known, but what we're sure of is that it was somebody's
intention to take control of that flight, knowing the pilot and
copilot could be coerced to allow them in the cockpit, bring the plane
to 45,000 feet and drop it to 20,000 to destabilize the cabin and
knock out the passengers, so they could fly unabated to Central Asia
where that plane is now (assuming it didn't crash in between)

This is why we have pings, ringing cell phones and no crash site.
This wasn't typical terrorism, this was a deeper plan and it was
executed to perfection. We will (hopefully) find a plane full of
people who are held hostage until some big government makes some major
concessions and releases political prisoners or other trouble makers

:takesofftinfoilhat:

Take on Dora

Three are a lot of things I promised I'd never do when I became a
father. I said I wouldn't ever et a minivan (X), I said I wouldn't
let them bribe them with sugary snacks (XX) and I said they'd never
watch too much TV (XXX)
I can justify the first when we decided to field a girls soccer team,
I can justify the second because most of the sugar they get didn't
come from me and I can justify the third because after a rough night,
an early morning and a long day, it gives me 25 minutes to unwind and
cook dinner. But what I can't justify is Dora which is the epitome
of brain dead entertainment. It' not just the Spanglish, the stupid
monkey or the hundreds of Mexican sidekicks, it's the absolutely brain
dead story line which repeats itself over and over again. It's not
smart, it's not interesting, it's awful but it's like crack for kids
because every little girl goes nuts for this thing and there is just
no rhyme or reason

take on the Mega Church

when we read that $600,000 had been stolen from Haley Joel Osteen's megachurch, our first reaction was.. that's it?    TOR is always a bit cynical when it comes to the altruism of churches, so this was the furthest thing from a surprise as a headline. Obviously we don't know the full facts and we really don't have any reason to believe that Osteen is anything but completely on the up-and-up.    What I'm sure about is that this announcement will only lead to more donations for the mega-church with it's 100,000 members feeling like they need to pony up even more money to make up for the lost funds -which according to this article are fully insured anyway.  

But this really comes down to a dude who is just way too happy and positive..  would anybody be surprised if they will find him in a car one day covered in blow with a transvestite prostitute pounding him like a pony??

Take on the lost airplane

For six days we've gotten one conflicting report after another and
still we aren't close to an answer. First there were mile long oil
slicks then random debris then two Iranians on stolen passports, then
a last message from the pilot then a weird triangular shape in the sea
and all of it has been denied then confirmed then denied again my the
Malaysian government. Forget the tragedy of 239 people on board,
this is a travesty with the ineptitude of the Malaysian government who
has come across as a headless chicken throughout it all. They have
not had a clear message, a clear messenger nor should they have a
clear conscious because what they have said/leaked/reported has been
nothing short of garbage
This is not, in theory, a Malaysian issue but rather one of an airline
run out of that country but when a tragedy of this magnitude occurs,
it's the name of the country on the airplane who has to step up and in
this case they just haven't while 100's of family members wait in
horror. It is time to turn this entire thing over to a country who
can handle it and stop sending these poor families in a tizzy with
every half assed report

With all the electronic sophistication out there where Big Government
can look into everybody's email account and monitor every phone call
made, how a 20,000 pound hunk of steel just disappears is ludicrous
and not at all believable. I think we're all rooting for a LOST
ending -well not actually Lost's ending but you know- where we find
out that these people are alive and well living on some South Pacific
island but somehow it seems unlikely

I think the most likely conclusion is that this was a suicide mission
and the Malaysian government knows it and is trying to cover it up

Step aside Malaysia and let this be handled by somebody who can handle
this kind of thing.

take on the new Japanese Airline uniforms

Saw an article earlier today about the new Japanese Airline Stewardess dress-code which is downright sexy with miniskirts and heels, which is a sure-fire recipe for a boost in frequent flier mileage...   Now obviously the Japanese women aren't endowed the same way the Hooters Airline girls might be but they are dressed in a way that will keep the average Japanese businessman awake on his flight from Okinawa to Tokyo..  but you gotta think that in a country where they have women-only subway cars because of all the grab-ass that gets played, they'd be a bit cautious with this concept.. I can think of one Orange County resident who'd be dropping his pen in the walkway constantly if he'd ever have the pleasure to fly that airline. 

Take on the packed bus

There really aren't many things more unpleasant than standing on a bus
and in one and a half weeks of commuting by bus, this is becoming a
more and more normal occurrence. It's not that standing on a bus is
any more or less pleasant than standing on a subway -although the lack
of homeless people does help its case- but it's trying to hold your
balance for 45 minutes while the bus kicks and ticks and bumps and
thumps which is kind of what I wanted to avoid when giving up my soul
by moving to the burbs. But instead I'm texting with one hand while
holding on for fear life with the other as this bus goes 60 miles per
hour over a pothole filled NJ turnpike

MLIA

Take on Finders Keepers

Years ago, I got a set of champagne flutes as a wedding or engagement gift or something from Tiffany’s and I remember returning it a few weeks later.   It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the gift but rather it was the kind of gift which I didn't really know what to do with.    First of all, we don’t really drink champagne, so any glass set wasn't necessary, secondly the idea of owning $100 glasses is something that just doesn't jive with my Miller Lite out of the can style..

I remember returning the box and being told that I could get store-credit and because there was nothing else I’d even remotely want, I decided to take the credit in hope of using it for a gift at some point. 

Of course now it’s a decade later and I still haven’t used it and I get notification from some place called Finders-Keepers which can help you get old credits, payments and other things..  Now I’m stuck with a $80 credit because apparently they deduct a bit every year as a service fee and it would cost me another 30% to use Finders Keepers to recover my money and even then, it’ll be in some kind of store credit which will mean I can then afford one champagne glass which I don’t want

Take on the guy who waits in line to meet a mascot

Is there anything more embarrassing than a grown man waiting in line
to get his picture take with a mascot. Last week as part of their
community outreach, the Mets had their love able Mr. Met perched at
the midtown Citibank and dork after dork stood there waiting to get a
shot with the big ball of mush. I get a bunch of kids wanting this
but a bald dude with glasses who looks like he hasn't been laid in a
year? You gotta be kidding me, no wonder you root for the Mets

Take on the weeks old snow

As nice as the snow looks when it first falls, it looks just as awful
a few days later in and around a major metropolitan area and when that
snow sits around for weeks at a time it just becomes one cesspool of
trash. I'm usually one who likes the winter but this one has been
endless, relentless and disgusting with it becoming an excuse for
garbage to collect onto and under the snow and the color to turn from
Snow White to nasty gray

Clean up the city De Blasio

Take on the Made in Bangladesh chick

saw an article about the 'controvery' about the latest American Apparel advertisement showing some American Apparel Employee standing topless with the words "made in Bangladesh" over her nips while wearing a pair of $90 jeans..   I can't quite figure out why there is any controversy here at all, it just seems like genius marketing as the only thing not made in the California factory is the woman herself and I for one am more likely to shop there with any hope that they start to continue this same advertising theme with some 'made in NYC' versions, assuming these chicks look like this broad and not some backwards goat-herder or crack queen from south central.

But really I think this is educational, showing the world that the Bengali women are some of the most stacked in the free world..

 

take on the upskirt pix

with the recent ruling of Massachusetts' high court that it's not against the law to try to take an upskirt picture of a woman in public has set off tons of debate pinning one group of people defending the right to privacy against another group of guys who probably like the suffocate themselves while beating off.    Now, I am not one who will ever turn down a good piece of pornography and have been caught ogling my share of women walking down the street and won't even try to claim I've never had an urge to look up when a woman is walking down the stairs but even this editorial board believes that there is something pretty wrong about making ostensibly legal.   If you can't legally take pictures of a woman showering in a gym, I'm not sure how taking a picture of her walking down the stairs to the subway is much different

then again, it probably wouldn't hurt these chicks to maybe not go commando when they're wearing miniskirts   

Take on Drunk in Love

I may get killed for this but is there a worse song on pop radio than
that Beyoncé-JayZ "drunk in love" thing? I've heard the video is
decent and that they basically hump on stage every time they perform
it live but having literally heard it for the first time yesterday, I
have to honestly ask.. Is this music??
There is no melody, no hook and no catchy phrase and every third word
is beeped out because of a profanity. it's like listening to cat's
f!cking to Lou Reed'a Metal Machine Music.

Take on the presidential attire

The entire world is talking about the Ukraine but both Sarah Palin and
TOR can't seem to get over the awful attired donned by our president
during his call to Putin over the weekend. I'm not going overboard
saying that the president disrespected the oval office by showing up
in jeans but I will go overboard to tell him that the denim shirt is a
bit much for any occasion.
Sarah Palin has already called him out for the mom-jeans which is a
pretty good description of them because if certainly does look like he
got those things out of Michelle's closet but I can't get past the
shirt which when paired with jeans makes you look like a 5th grade boy

So Obama, time to start manning up and dressing for success before
they topless Bolshevik comes driving up to the white-house and steals
away your wife.

Take on the bus

I'm completely at the mercy of a bus. I promised myself I'd never do
this again as the 'schedule' for most if these things are about as
precise as most guy's aim in a men's room urinal but now I am stuck.
It's not that the ride itself is too terrible, it's the fact that you
are standing outside in the 20 degree weather be thane no idea if the
7:57 bus is late, came early or if the bus driver for that route just
didn't bother to show up.
So here I am desperately hoping to get into NYC before lunchtime

Take on the bunk bed

I have to be able to think of 106 things that would have been a better
way to spend a Sunday than building a bunk bed. Not only did this
operation take two adults, it took 5 hours per adult to put together.
Thousands of screws, nails, Allen screws and pegs to finally out the
pieces together and find that the light switch in your daughter's room
is now covered which if you weren't left holding a bag of about 30
random screws would have been the worse conclusion to a looooong day
Well the end sits at a weird angle, the one piece of wood came
completely split and the drawers are a bit stuff but at least I'm done

Take on the old photo

There are not a lot of worst things to wake up to than a picture of yourself from 20 years and 60 pounds ago.   A friend decided to "pull a Righetti" and photobomb the entire fantasy football servgroup with an old ID showing a much younger -and MUCH fatter- Righetti.    God, I have to say they I was one of the ugliest 20 year olds you've ever seen, to think I wondered why I never got laid!!

The comments were pretty comical, most of them noting that my entire head looked like a gigantic thumb since I appear to have had no neck at all but one was particularly interesting.  It came from a guy who is easily 50 pounds over his fighting weight as he said

Holy shit that's awesome.  I don't care if that guy is built like Hugh Jackman today, how dare he ever make fun of any other person's weight, ever.

The reason the editorial board over at TOR is ruthless about your weight, tubby, is because we know that it takes will-power to drop 50 and know your lack of that is the reason you wake up most mornings with a face covered in jelly donut

Sent from my iPhone