the Bachelor

The Decision

Yesterday I knew what it felt like to be a chick.  I'm not one for reality TV although I will watch the occasional episode of So You Think You Can Dance but I've luckily never been pulled in by the romance shows like the Bachelorette, Rock of Love of the one with Flava Flav..that is until yesterday. 

Yesterday I became a woman, I sat through 1 hour of the biggest hype job this side of the Mushroom Cloud over Detroit as a handsome, rich, athletic, 25 year old entrepreneur  decided who he would spend the rest of his days with.  I watched as hearts were broken, songs were sung and mementos burned in effigy, I watched as thousands of people sat with baited breath hung on every word of a man who was born a year after Madonna humped the floor doing Like a Virgin for the MTV Video Music Awards.

For 2 years the Bachelor has been talking not-so-secretly about leaving his ex to bring it to a chick from a bigger city with a chick with bigger tits.   Everybody who has seen this marriage knew it would't last especially when you consider he was only 18 when they tied the knot.   Everybody knew that his ex couldn't give him what he wanted and that he would eventually leave we just hoped he wouldn't.    His ex could offer him comfort but no bright lights and she kept begging him for a ring which he had promised but never gotten her.   She would have been OK to hold out for it, as long as he would just stick around and hold her through the lonely winter nights.   But he had checked out mentally a long time ago and it was obvious that her little city was no match for the bright-lights of New York City, South Beach or Los Angeles

 Well for two years everybody has been courting him from afar, throwing bouquets at him, winking at him in public and showering him with admiration.  This was all sort of innocent flirting but when the show officially started on July 1^st the thirty some-odd contestants were paired down to six and the flirting turned into heavy-petting, the heavy petting turned into blatant groping and before soon it escalated in a six way orgy with the Bachelor along with his two buddies getting fellatio on a national stage by six suitors.

Well yesterday was the culmination of all the hand-jobs, blow-jobs and rim-jobs during a one-hour special where the Bachelor revealed which of the six suitors would get the red-rose.      The sad thing is that the group waiting for the rose were all highly successful in their own right and all individuals who have never had to grovel for anything before so this was all new for them.  But hey this is reality TV and everybody wants 15 minutes even if it means you could wind up standing there like some down-on-your-luck loser. 

Well I sat there (along with some 50 million other people) and watched as the Bachelor turn down five of the six suitors and hand his rose to slick-haired tanned older looking snake from Miami which   made the him easily the most hated person in his home town. He was so hated he surpassed another formerly married man took everything out of his house in the middle of the night and moved to Baltimore where he found love with a convicted criminal.

 Now it was a rating-bonanza for everybody involved in the broadcast which started hours before the actual show and went well into the night with the producers bringing in a group of experts in relationships. The issue was that there was no journalistic integrity as half the experts performed their own Jenna Jameson impression on the Bachelor while the other half of the experts killed him for his self-Indulgence.

Is there anybody willing to give me back this hour of my life???