Take on the democratic debate

I may have been one of the only people in America to watch the democrats debate each other last night but as I know the TOR readers depend on me to give them hard analysis and hot takes, I felt it was my duty to sit through the snooze fest.   Well, I made it almost through an hour before I went to sleep because it was dreadful, there was no fire, no excitement and no pizzazz, which is what happens when you get use to a television star on stage and now you are left with a bunch of stuffy politicians.  
We'll start at the bottom
Lincoln Chaffee.  Never before has a man looked more uncomfortable on stage, the poor guy looked like he had to pee the entire time so you can't blame him for his "my dad had just died and I had no idea what I was doing"'comment on his vote on Glass-Steagall. What made it bad was that he looked like he was wearing a suit which was last worn by his dead dad when he made the comment and then immediately soiled it.  We predict that this will be the last we see of old Lincoln, not just on the debate stage but ever..if you pee in your dad's suit in front of a national audience, albeit it one that was mostly asleep, you are dead..unless your name is Billy Madison

Jim Webb

When your most memorable line is  "I've been waiting for ten minutes to have a chance to speak" then you know you had a rough night, especially if you said that exact same line four times.  We like old Jim but nobody else does and it is not clear to me, or anybody else apparently, why he is running.   He should go home and be with his hunting dogs and maybe find a doctor who can construct him a neck

Mark O'Malley.  

It is never a good sign when people can't remember if your name is Mike or Mark.  I don't know why this is but nobody called Mike Tyson, Mark Tyson but somehow everybody thinks Mark O'Malley might actually be Mike O'Malley and sadly for Mike/Mark, it doesn't matter.    I read earlier tonight that he looked like  he is a model for a cialis commercial which is a great call, Mike looks like the guy you need when you need to throw a football through a tire swing but on the debate stage he is a stiff as a board, maybe because he is with a little help from his purple friend.  He does appear to be running for Hillary's VP which is nice and all especially if he can help Bill out with some Spanish tail on the campaign trail but he should stay home for the next debate 

Bernie Sanders.   

Who would have guessed that yelling and screaming for an hour wouldn't go over well, the poor guy's got more charisma than anybody else on stage but when out up in front of the US public he looks like he should be running for a spot in the Muppets balcony, not president.    We like Bernie, sort of, but he looked lost.   When Anderson Cooper asked him to respond to a comment that Jim Webb didn't make he looked like he just woke up from a nap. He was so discombobulated that all he could mutter was "raise taxes on the rich" which was an odd answer to going in against Assad but whatever.   Between the yelling, the unwillingness to comb his hair and the mid debate nap, he was outclassed.  His best moment might have been the "everybody is sick of your damn emails" thing but we liked this 

https://twitter.com/gawker/status/654110900992000000 when he looked like he was picking up a penny that Jim Webb had dropped, just be glad that O'Malley wasn't standing next to him when he bent over 

Hillary

Your 2016 democratic nominee is Hillary Clinton daughter of a corrupt businessman, wife of a horny politician and mother of the topic of a Malcom XIII original.   She dominated a debate that showed the other four had no place being at.   She so outclassed and over-matched her "rivals" that is is scary especially because she has more skeletons than a Fangoria magazine. She was wrong on Iraq, criminal on Benghazi and dangerous on her emails but still she dominated and looked like a man amongst boys, a man in a terrible pant suit.   The establishment will rally around her, O'Malley will try to bone her with his 4 hour erection and she'll win this thing in a landslide and I still won't vote for her