Take on the Cheesecake Factory

Last week when I asked my nephew where he wanted to eat, he screamed
out "The Cheesecake Factory". I happily obliged and was pretty
interested being that I hadn't been there in about a decade. I was
obviously afraid of the long line especially around Christmas time but
when you go to a chain restaurant and the hour and a half wait is NOT
the worst thing that happened to you then you know you are in trouble

We ordered a couple of standard menu items including some chicken
pasta dish and some grilled tuna. I swear that it had to be one of
the worst meals I have ever had, it wasn't extra greasy or
particularly unappetizing but it was just so not good. The tuna
tasted like I was chewing on a human hand, it had virtually no taste
at all. The pasta chicken thing tasted like straight out of the can
Fettuccine Alfredo. How the hell are there 500 suburbanites lined up
outside of this place 7 days per week? The food is beyond terrible,
the selection uninspiring, the service awful and the experience
regrettable all for a price of $100 for a family of four

Next time I'm going to White Mannas

taking on the Hostess compensation

when I saw a blazing headline in today's Daily News about the huge pay compensation being received by 19 executives at Hostess as the company lays of 18,000 workers I was angered.

Not angered because of the pay package but angered at the ridiculousness of the faux outrage.

The 19 executives would be receiving a compensation of $1.8 million dollars in bonuses which the company claims was necessary to keep them on during the liquidation process.  I'm not going to argue whether this was necessary but rather that the total amount per person is hardly something to really make a stink out of

What pissed me off was that this comes out to a whopping $94,736 per executive which is hardly outlandish especially considering the process could take a year or so, hardly the 1% the Occupy Wall Street rallied against.     If paying somebody less than $100k for this work brings national outrage then I'd like to see what happens the next time Goldman or Morgan Stanley sends one of their execs off with a golden parachute of $100 million dollars

Take in the automatic towel dispenser

Is there anything more disgusting than those bathroom automatic cloth
towel dispensers. I know they are probably environmentally friendly
and not having to touch anything is positive but there is just no way
that you are getting your hands onto a truly clean towel. I have no
idea how many yards of cotton are supposedly packed into those things
but the machines are not big at all so I am completely convinced that
they are sold as 'self cleaning' which like an oven basically means
you are eating yesterday's meatloaf in today's ziti

Take one the Sunday Treadmill Driver

There are not many things I despise more than having one hour to
exercise and showing up at the gym to find all the treadmills taken.
Now I love to see people working out because a commitment to a healthy
lifestyle will only benefit me by not having to look at grossly obese
people but when it interferes with my own workout schedule it annoys
the piss out of me. But worse than not getting onto a treadmill is
being blocked by some chick walking on one while talking to a friend,
speaking on her cell or worse yet reading a book. What the fuck
bitch, your cottage cheese thighs aren't going to get any less dimpled
if you are walking at such a leisurely pace that you can actually read
a book. If you think you can work out without breaking a sweat you
are wasting your own, and more importantly my, time

So scoot on over and let somebody who actually gives a crap about
living till the are 65 have a chance

Take on De Gaul

One of the things that really gets me about flying into Paris is
having to come into the hellhole called Charles De Gaul airport. I
am convinced they have been working on upgrading this airport for 15
years already and still there are scaffolds everywhere, detours at
every turn and the most asinine terminal numbering system known to
man. First they use letters for terminals and often you will see
signs only for terminals A-B-C-D-F-G with no sign whatsoever of
terminal E. Then to make it more complicated they also have different
numbers in front of some of the terminals so there are terminals 2E
and 2D whose relationship to normal E and D I cannot figure out. But
what is the worst the the small signs they have for said terminals.
Just look at the size of the notation for 2E on the sign, you may as
well wrote it in brail

Take on. Terrible look

Is there a worst dressed demographic than middle aged Korean women,
I'd like to know. Between the big white visors, the Nike hightops and
the bouffants they definitely have a distinguishable look although
what they lack in style they seem to make up in flamboyance. When you
walk through the Seoul airport it's like walking into the scariest
looking all clown circus with all the sequenced colors and purple
hair

Take on the Thanksgiving desert line

On Wednesday on my way into work I got caught behind a line in the
middle of 43rd street. By the look of preppy white people standing on
line I was sure that Apple had released a new IPhone or there was a
new Maroon 5 CD out but instead when I finally got past the 45 or so
people I realized they were all waiting online for some Thanksgiving
desert. See there is a place called the Little Pie Company on 43rd
street and apparently your white yuppy friends will look down upon you
if you won't wait for 45 minutes to get a pumpkin pie for their
Thanksgiving feast so these idiots stand in line for ever so that they
can walk in with a box emblazoned with LPC on it even though you just
know that nobody will remember when it gets thrown onto a table with a
thousand other diabetes causing options

Take on Black Friday

Thanksgiving is a holiday which many people call the quintessential
American holiday which is probably because it's a two days of
gluttony, family tension and idiots standing on line at 3am go get a
new DVD player.
When I logged onto the DailyNews today I was already predicting what
kind of idiot injuries happened last night when stores opened for
Black Friday and really thought about one thing which is that this
should be a great day for shopping but that these idiot retailers
fueled by a rabid consumer base of crazies have ruined it for
everybody. I thought about running to Target for a couple of
lightbulbs and some garbage bags but when I saw that there was a
noticeable police presence standing around the jammed parking lot I
skipped it. I need a new pair or jeans but honestly would rather jam
an ice-pick into my urethra than even attempt going to The Gap

I would love to see a bunch of stores band together with an anti Black
Friday sale. No deals, no discounts and normal hours. I bet they
would bring in a bunch of people who just want to avoid the crazies...
I know I do

Take on the bomb

It serves me right for having three day old cold meatball pizza for
breakfast but when I got on the ferry yesterday I felt my stomach
grumble and knew what it could mean. It's a 14 minute ferry ride and
we were no more than two minutes into it and I knew I'd keel over if I
tried to hold it so I let her rip and rip it did.
I swear the stink of the diesel burning engines didn't stand a chance
because the entire boat now smelled like my small intestines
I of course immediately turned around and put my face into shirt and
starts loudly complaining how somebody could be so rude

But as they say who smelled it probably dealt it

Take on the ceasefire

I was very happy to see a ceasefire negotiated today with the help of
princess pantsuit to end the violence gripping the Middle East for the
last eight days. We will reserve judgement for causes, avoid empty
solutions and just say we are thankful for what we can only hope to be
lasting ceasefire
Our criticism has to be about the concept of these negotiated
ceasefire deals because what always strikes me and did again today was
that the ceasefire would begin at 9pm local time but this was
announced at about 7pm local time.
What this tells me is that in other words for the next two hours get
your licks in and make the count because you won't be allowed at each
other's throats for a a while. It's almost like what happens at the
bottom of a rugby scrum. You can play all the grab-ass and yank at
each other's sacks as much as you want as long as the whistle hasn't
blown.

Why can't a ceasefire begin immediately? I get that getting word to
the fighters at the front line might be difficult and mot
instantaneous but if shouldn't take hours to get word out with
everybody carrying a cell phone. The Israeli pilots have the most
sophisticated equipment in their jets, i cannot believe an "abort
mission" message couldn't come across and the Palestinians must have
ways to get their message to the front lines quicker than it takes me
to drive to Hartford on Thanksgiving traffic

Christ if the paparazzi catches Kanye bending Kim over in a park that
picture is retweeted 10000 times within five minutes so if these
leaders were honestly if you were truly concerned bout saving lives
you would demand it begin right away

Take on dog strollers

I will never understand people who treat (and probably believe) that
their dog is a child. I am seeing these crazy chicks (it almost
always seems to be something a woman does) pushing their dogs in
strollers at an incredible pace lately and honestly this is the kind
of crazy I just don't understand. This is after-all a dog who would
benefit from actually walking after having been stuck in your shoebox
apartment for hours. It would be one thing if these mutts had broken
legs or were incredibly old but these broads at pushing what appears
to be completely healthy canines around Manhattan.

Take on foodinsurance.com

I'm listening to Hannity today and hear a commercial for some new
product he is hawking called foodinsurance which I guess is designed
for the true crazies. This service insures your food in case of a
blackout which seems sensible if the option of NOT buying a bunch of
refrigerated food before a pending storm wasn't an option. How the
hell is anybody going to expect people who have this "insurance" from
not stocking up on filet mignons, caviar and g-beer before a storm and
basically bankrupting the entire system

The other advantage apparently has to do with the company guaranteeing
that they will get you replacement food when a blackout hits which is
very helpful if you don't have a working fridge to store said food

Anyway you people with your generators, backup generators,
flashlights, fish tanks full of water and bunkers of ammunition really
need to get our more

Take on women's fashion

Ladies please pay attention because this should change your life

I was asked the other day if it was appropriate for a woman to wear
pantsuit to a job interview and the answer was emphatically NO!! It
comes across as a pathetic attempt to come across as assertive and
will make any potential employer think you are one of 'those women'.
It's like a woman thinks she is going to trick her potential employer
with androgyny to take any thought of sexuality away when in fact she
is only making herself look like she is dressed in bologna skin


Pant suits were invented to empower women to put them on par with
their male counterparts but making a woman look like a pear squeezed
into cheap polyester will never do that. A suit is made to fit a man
so unless you are trying to look like a man you should find something
that accentuates your form

A woman in a professional setting should opt for a below the knee line
skirt, a nice top and some subtle makeup. Dress like you mean it,
want the job and can handle yourself around egotistical men but do it
dressed like a chick. Now don't go thinking that because we don't
want you dressing like a blimp you should instead dress like a street
walker in a micro-mini and fluorescent red lipstick

But if you are not going to heed my warning then at least stay away
from the sequences colored ones because a woman in baby blue pantsuit
makes you look either like a mental patient or a menopausal Korean
woman, neither of which is a look you should be going for.

if you feel the need to add color then accessorize by adding a purple
scarf, yellow leather purse or a red thong, because you look like a
goddamn parade float with your double sized hips squeezed into your
line green suit

Take on the best thing that ever happened in this country

When I are a business closing down and laying off workers it might
sadden some But when I saw Hostess was threatening to close shop i
was thrilled not because I want to see good healthy businesses close
but because when a business is not healthy and cannot sustain itself
it shouldn't be propped up by anybody. A business needs to be allowed
to breath but we also have to realize it has a lifeline and in any
life there is a beginning and an end, I give you one chance to get out
but after that you are on your own

Forget it that isn't even remotely the reason I was happy... The
reason is that you people are disgusting with you gluttonous behavior.
It frightens me to think how unhealthy a life you lead, how little
you value your own body to stuff it full of artificial cream which is
artificially stuffed into an artificial pastry. Twinkies, YoYo's
and Wonder Bread may be as American as baseball, apple pie and
diabetes but it probably wouldn't hurt anybody to break the stereotype
of the American who is too fat to walk to the end of his fat driveway

These lard eating lards are the reason health care pricing is out of
control because they cannot control themselves by shoving sugar in
their fat mouths
So I am sorry for the 18,500 people whose jobs are gone but I'm happy for me

Take on the town bandit

There are crimes and then there are crimes.  I know the Giuliani doctrine always called for major action against all levels of crime so that criminals realize there is no fuzzy line between graffiti and murder and it seems to have done wonders in NYC. 

But with that said there still are levels of crime which hit closer to home sometimes literally like what happened to me this week.   There are victimless crimes but this was not one of them and we must do everything in our power to catch the perpetrators of this, the most heinous of crimes 

Here is the backstory

I put out my recycling two nights ago on the proper night making sure I follow protocol by putting it out only after 7pm.  I had my two semi full blue recycling cans provided to me by the town neatly placed side by side at the edge of our driveway and never put much thought to it again. That is until I got back yesterday afternoon and noticed that where there were once two there now stood only one blue receptacle.   I looked up and down the street, checked my neighbors driveway and rechecked my garage to make sure I had not left it there last night

After a frantic search I realized what I already felt deep in my heart...I had been victimized and victimized by the lowest form of crime, the type aimed at somebody doing their duty as a citizen of Earth doing his best to protect it

Immediately I returned home and started putting together a list if possible suspects:  the retired teacher across the street with the impeccable hedges, the old lady on the corner with the white cat, the young family with the play-yard and the guy suspected of attempted mass-murder  in the brick house up the street all seemed likely candidates.   

I decided to stake out the neighborhood last night, dressed in full black ninja gear and a baby bjorn as I observed the actions of those around me.  There were some signs of shady behavior like the guy with the big husky who I wasn't sure cleaned all the dog crap off the sidewalk or any of the characters walking out of the house across the street which we had long suspected as a safe-haven for illegals making their way up to Canada but so far none of my leads have turned up anything.  i am not giving up and when I do find the culprit it will be time for some serious vigilante justice 

Sent from my iPhone

Taking on chicks pinstripe pants

Ladies take the following advice and thank me later and before you get pissed you should realize this is Coming from a man who has exceptionally fat thighs himself and should heed his own warnings

If you aren't at least a size 2 you should never wear pinstripe pants.  Pinstripes are like drawing a road map on your cellulite covered ass, they show off every imperfection and if you are 5'4" and anything heavier than 110 pounds you should do us all a favor and not expose us to that.  I have nothing against a little meat on your bones but pinstripes make your ass look like your bending the time-space continuum which is sort of ironic since that's kind of what happens when you look into a black-hole which your ass might as well be with the amount of sugar that disappears into it

those pinstripes stretched so far it looks like you are staring at one of those 3D posters all the kids had in their freshmen dorms

Sent from my iPhone

Take in the ICloud sync

I bought the new IPhone 5 about a month ago and having backed up to
the ICloud was told how rest it would be to sync all my photos from my
old phone wirelessly to my new phone. Well now a full 3.5 weeks
later I am still staring at my camera roll and it states it had only
downloaded 1700 out of 6500 pictures.
The syncing might be seamless but only if your two seams are allowed
to be about 10 yards apart because this is ridiculous

Take on muscle milk

As I have gotten older i have learned the importance of a well
balanced breakfast. Whereas I would go many days without eating
anything until 1pm in my youth, I now feel completely famished at 8am.
I usually chow down on a subway flatbread with egg-whites and chipotle
or one of those egg and sundried tomato sandwiches from Pret but with
Hurricane Sandy last week everything anybody knew changed. I slept
at a buddy's place and as I walked out on my way to work he handed me
a box of muscle milk which he claimed was a very nutritious breakfast
and quite filling. Not only was I starving by the time the clock hit
10 but I also felt like I had just downed a pint of Elmer's Glue. This
stuff makes you wish for the bologna and mayo sandwiches they offered
in the elementary school cafeteria.

It's no wonder only meatheads drink this crap

Take on the Jets

I ran into Jets owner Woody Johnson today randomly in the street and instead of exploding on the dismal state of this franchise all I can up with was "time for Tebow".  Although I honestly think they should go with Tebow there are obviously many bigger issues at play including the complete inadequacy of Mike Tannebaum, the inability to have any creativity out of Sporano, the terrible play of Sanchez, the lack of talent on both aides of the ball, the fact that Rex has become a worse coach with every pound he loses but all I came up with was "Time for Tebow" and my buddies who are fellow Jet fans  skewered me for it. 

So then I sat down and looked over what I really think is the issue, namingly the draft which has gotten worse every year since Might Mike drafted Revis. I am not sure if they got cocky by believing all their press clippings, they have been unlucky or if they forgot how to evaluate talent but the last few years are absolutely dreadful

2012 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	16	Quinton Coples	DE	North Carolina
2	43	Stephen Hill	WR	Georgia Tech
3	77	Demario Davis	LB	Arkansas State
6	187	Josh Bush	DB	Wake Forest
6	202	Terrance Ganaway	RB	Baylor
6	203	Robert T. Griffin	G	Baylor
7	242	Antonio Allen	SS	South Carolina
7	244	Jordan White	WR	Western Michigan

2011 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	30	Muhammad Wilkerson	DT	Temple
3	94	Kenrick Ellis	DT	Hampton
4	126	Bilal Powell	RB	Louisville
5	153	Jeremy Kerley	WR	Texas Christian
7	208	Greg McElroy	QB	Alabama
7	227	Scotty McKnight	WR	Colorado

2010 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	29	Kyle Wilson	CB	Boise State
2	61	Vladimir Ducasse	T	Massachusetts
4	112	Joe McKnight	RB	USC
5	139	John Conner	RB	Kentucky

2009 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	5	Mark Sanchez	QB	USC
3	65	Shonn Greene	RB	Iowa
6	193	Matt Slauson	G	Nebraska

2008 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	6	Vernon Gholston	LB	Ohio State
1	30	Dustin Keller	TE	Purdue
4	113	Dwight Lowery	CB	San Jose State
5	162	Erik Ainge	QB	Tennessee
6	171	Marcus Henry	WR	Kansas
7	211	Nate Garner	T	Arkansas

2007 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	14	Darrelle Revis	CB	Pittsburgh
2	47	David Harris	ILB	Michigan
6	177	Jacob Bender	T	Nicholls State
7	235	Chansi Stuckey	WR	Clemson

2006 - NEW YORK JETS
RD	SEL #	PLAYER	POSITION	SCHOOL
1	4	D'Brickashaw Ferguson	T	Virginia
1	29	Nick Mangold	C	Ohio State
2	49	Kellen Clemens	QB	Oregon
3	76	Anthony Schlegel	LB	Ohio State
3	97	Eric Smith	DB	Michigan State
4	103	Brad Smith	WR	Missouri
4	117	Leon Washington	RB	Florida State
5	150	Jason Pociask	TE	Wisconsin
6	189	Drew Coleman	CB	Texas Christian
7	220	Titus Adams	DT	Nebraska

2012 is Still incomplete but sure doesn't feel great.  I think there are only two guys who are still on the team and they were drafted like 3 months ago

2011. I give it a C-   Wilkerson is OK but not the big impact we were sold.  Ellis hasn't done much outside that game a few weeks ago. Powell sucks, Kerley is a contributor, McElroy is best known for throwing the team under the bus.  Scotty McKnight  has been yo-yo'd between the roster and practice squad for two years

2010. F.   Ducasse blows,  Wilson is not a first round talent,  McKnight could be good but come-on he has done nothing and Conner has a great nickname and virtually nothing to back it up 

2009. D.  I'd give it an F but all three picks are starters albeit it terrible starters. Sanchez looks totally overwhelmed and is a bottom 10 QB in the league, Greene is maybe the worst starting RB in the league.  When Slauson is the only redeeming part of a draft you are in trouble

2008. F.  Two words Vernon Gholston.  I think we both have the same amount of NFL sacks but he has had a better seat 

Keller is an average TE or a bit below it, Ainge is off the team.  When Dwight Lowery is perhaps your most consistent contributor you are in trouble.  The other two guys are working at McDowels in Queens last I heard

2007. A.  Revis and Harris in one draft is money.  even if the rest of the draft sucked, which it did

2006. A.  D'Brick is overrated but obviously Mangold is fantastic. Leon and Brad Smith were dynamic parts if the offense once upon a time and Eric Smith can hit (although he can't cover)

Out of 40 picks there are three studs (Revis, Mangold and Harris). Couple of very good starters (D'Brick and maybe Wilkerson) and a bunch of duds, a few crappt starters (Slauson, Greene) and a few gigantic busts (Sanchez, Gholston, Ducasse)

There are too many Jeremy Kerley's and not enough Marvin Harrison's

Sent from my iPhone