take on a windy day

My head is POUNDING and for the life of me, I can't figure out why..

that is until I recalled my morning commute..  

When I walked out of my house this morning into 55 degree weather, I was thrilled.   I forgot about the conspiracy theories on global warming for a few minutes and I enjoyed the fact that I wasn't freezing my ass off for the first time in about two weeks.     When I got into NYC and started to hoof towards midtown from the ferry terminal I did notice that although warm it was ridiculously windy.   It wasn't enough to make my walk unpleasant although that was mainly due to the fact it was back-wind so it actually sped me along a bit faster than usual.   What did bother me was when I got a cup of coffee on 11th avenue.   With my bag around my shoulder, a breakfast sandwich in hand and a cup of hot coffee in my other hand, I fumbled to get the door open but the cross-wind was so strong that I had to use almost my entire body weight to actually prop the door open.    I thought I was in the clear when I didn't spill my coffee all over my pants but when I got onto the street all those thoughts of clear roads went to hell..    Some gust which felt like the kind that blew all those trees down during Sandy came rushing up 11th Avenue and clear knocked my coffee out of my hand and had the Styrofoam cup barrelling down 41st street.    

So not only was I contributing to this unnaturally hot weather with the Styrofoam but now my 16 ounce coffee was laying all over 11th avenue.

  

in other words I didn't have any coffee today and now I want to kill somebody. 

Take in the pathetic second pro career

Since most star athletes are retired by the time they are my age, it
is not crazy to think they have to find something to keep them busy.
Some of them find work on TV or radio, a lot of them seem to open up
car-washes which seems like the kind of business you can only do if
you were an ex-athlete and some of them get into some crazy
commercials. Whether it is an ex-football player endorsing a local
car dealership or a national ad campaign for a footlong sandwich,
there really is no more ridiculous sign than one of these guys
basically groveling you for some overpriced burger

But nothing is more depressing than seeing one of these guys who was
once on top of the world now forced to do an ad for a gold-buying
outfit with an advertisement in the back of a diner menu. Times have
changed

Take on Revenge Porn

The Daily News had a feature this weekend on the growing online
phenomenon called Revenge Porn where pissed off guys post naked
pictures of their ex-girlfriends. The story had heartbreaking
interviews with chicks who have had their lives turned upside down
because of having their most private moments posted for the whole
world to see.

But the tear jerk stories didn't captivate me and apparently I wasn't
the only one because as soon as I read it I scrolled right over to
www.texxxan.com to see for myself to find the server crashed

You gotta think that this wasn't exactly the desired consequence
although obviously the expected one of the author because they know
that their readership is basically a pack of the knuckle dragging
machismo meatheads

Taking on Vine

When I saw the screaming headline on CNN asking whether or not VINE, the new video sharing platform from TWITTER, had a porn problem my first thought was..  this isn't exactly a problem.    Maybe I'm late to the party but the other day while searching for something on Twitter I noticed a number of users who posted nekid pictures online.    Obviously this isn't something I want popping up while I'm sitting at work but while sitting on the can, it's far from a problem

Twitter is apparently making all sorts of apologies blaming human error for posting a six second clip of hard-core porn on their 'editor's choice' section the other day. 

I don't think it's a stretch to think that this was either not the accident they are claiming or that the apology was far from genuine.  We all know that the a new product is dying for publicity and what better than to have a bunch of tech-hungry and sex-starved dorks flooding to your site to download the app.  Just look at how popular the tube sites have become, how many hits the Daily News gets on their wardrobe malfunction pictures and how many people (apparently) are using Twitter to get their rocks off already.

I for one am downloading it as we speak...

Take on my heels

You heard about people ripping through socks because of sharp
toe-nails but I rip through mine for a completely different reason.
The calluses on my heels are so dry they become hard that I'm to the
point feel that the extra height has me standing 2 inches talker.
The problem with this level of dry skin is that it becomes rough and
before you know it, it is as rough as a piece of sand paper and work
like an abrasive literally ripping holes in the bottom of my socks


I am not sure I can afford avoiding a pedicure because I'm buying new
socks five times per week

Take on the Outback Terrorist victory

I'm convinced the terrorist have won. Last week while waiting for a
flight, I sat down at Outback and ordered up a Ribeye, side salad and
asparagus. I knew this wasn't going to be my day when I was told
that they don't serve asparagus as the airport Outbacks. I couldn't
quite grasp the rationale but I think it had something to do with
people's urine smelling like plastic explosives and causing all sorts
of delays. They did offer a choice of steamed mixed veggies or pees
So here I am having to eat a 14 ounce ribeye with not so much as an
edible vegetable anywhere within a mile all because the FSA can't
train their dogs to tell the difference between my piss and the smell
plastic.

Plus they made me cut my steak with a plastic knife which really
McDonaldizes the entire experience

Take on the HESS pumps

Leave it to the Hess family to build a gas pump which is completely
different than every other gas station's pumps in the country

For some reason they have three separate gas lines where while
everybody else is able to manage with one spout for all three gas
types. I don't know if this is better or worse and I guess not having
87 octane run through the same lines as 93 octane is sensible if you
are afraid of contamination but for a guy who always buys the cheapest
option, I like the thought of having my Johnny Walker Red glass coated
with some black label at no extra price

Take on the Disney bathroom signs

Can somebody explain the homophobic bathroom signs they have
plastered all over the Disney buses? Driving from the airport to the
resort, I caught one of these on the wall of the pisser door. I
can't quite understand what they are trying to get to but I think it
means that two dudes wearing cowboy hats aren't allowed in the can
together. The two guys in the sign both have their hands on their
junk and one of them is obviously about to go down on the other which
for two guys wearing 15 gallon hats does seem typical

Maybe Mickey hasn't had the pleasure of using an in-bus bathroom but
they make airplane bathrooms look roomy and I honestly see no way how
two guys wearing huge hats could even fit even if they were standing
in there naked

Taking on the tourist tax

One thing I never quite understood is why states decide to tax the
hell out of the people who come to visit and spend money in their
cities. You leave the rental car counter at and airport and often
are paying significantly more than you thought because of all the
state, city and local taxes they bang on. I am sure this is
justified to cover the road wear and tear the tourists are putting on
the state's highways but anybody who looks into that knows it is
ridiculous relative to each individual person's road time. The real
reason is that tourists don't vote so residents find it easiest to
pass the buck onto them even if the only thing they are doing is
already the direct contributor to your main form of employment.

Today I looked over my bill leaving Disney and was (not) shocked to
find three different taxes which made up almost 12% of my entire bill

They have an Orange County Tourist Development tax
They have an Orange County Resort Tax
They have a Florida State Accommodation tax

Please explain what a Tourist Development tax of about 5% is paying
for? Why am I paying so you can develop more tourism??

And more importantly how the hell are you developing or growing your
tourist base if when they show up you make them pay for all your crap.
I get this no state income tax is great but just realize that the
day they start to set up resorts somewhere else your tax base goes
right along with it. Set up DisneyGlobe in the Bahamas or wherever
and see how much your tax base gets affected

I am just surprised Disney doesn't add their own Mickey tax

Take on the bed bug condom

Whenever I travel, which is quite often, I worry about three things:
not missing my flight, I don't lose circulation in my legs while
30,000 feet above sea level and making sure I don't bring back any
critters to fly back without paying their fare. For the same reason I
wear those circulation socks while flying, when I am on the road and
staying in hotels, I sleep in a bed-bug cocoon because you can never
be too safe. The cocoon is designed to cover you from head to toe
while you sleep on hotel beds because we all know that those sheets
are not to be trusted. These human condoms are designed to not let
in anything larger than 2 microns which is much smaller than the size
of one of these buggy critters and I sleep at ease knowing that the
only foreign objects that I find underneath the sheets are ones I
brought myself
I will say that the 2 micron mesh material doesn't breath too well so
you find yourself lying in a pool of sweat when you wake up but at
least it is a clean pool without anything swimming in it

I highly recommend wearing one and I'm quite sure they can also be
effective methods of birth-control although if they ask me for my
opinion maybe they should market ones with a special hole cut out for
their Hasidic customers

Take on the conference at Disney

As I fly down to Orlando for a conference the second time in a month I
come to the realization that my life kind of blows. You might be
surprised by that because who wouldn't want to go to Florida with its
75 degree weather when it's going to be in the twenties but this isn't
a complaint about a warm weather location but rather about having it
held at Disney World.
Last month when I land in Orlando and take that Magic Mickey Express I
realize how ridiculous it is. As I board the bus, I find an open
seat and find myself sitting next to me on the bus is some middle aged
dude. I don't like sharing seats if possible but when your seat-mate
is a pathetic loser I despise it.
This dude was wearing kakhi shorts, a Hawaiian shirt with black socks
and sandals and he is dancing to the stupid "it's a small world after
all" music they are pumping through the stereo system. But even his
dress isn't the most appalling thing; it's the fact he dressed like
Clark W Griswold and then topped it off with the Mickey Mouse ears and
he keeps saying how incredibly magical the entire place is

Kill me if this guy is sitting next to me again or better yet arrest
him because there is NO doubt in my mind that he is a kiddie-toucher

Take on the day old bagel

Jersey bagel shops already have the obvious things going against them
like major competition for breakfast from diners, a snobby clientele
used to NYC bagels and generally a lack of interest in efficiency but
none of those are issues a bagel shop cannot overcome.

When you own a bagel shop and on Sunday Morning at 9am you have to ask
if somebody wants a their lox spread on poppy toasted you have failed.
The only reason somebody wants a toasts bagel is because the ones
they are offering aren't fresh and that is sort of acceptable at 3pm
but on Sunday morning before noon it's criminal. That is like going
to a bar and the bartender asking if you want your beer cold or going
to a run and tug place and asking if you want your masseuse to be
female. There are only a few things you need to do right l, the most
important one is being fresh

Take on tipping etiquette

There are a lot of reasons I don't order delivery often.  First of all I hate that it takes an hour to get a pizza delivered while you could pick it up in like 15 minutes.   You would think that delivery would be so much quicker because they only have to drive to your house as opposed to you having to drive to the place and then back.   By the time you get the delivery, the fried rice I cold, the cheese on the pizza is sticking to the top of the box or the sushi has picked up some salmonella 

But the real reason I hate delivery is because I cannot figure out proper tip etiquette.   I was talking about it with a buddy two nights ago and he said he gives the same $3 if he gets a $20 delivery from the Chinese place or a $80 from the Sushi joint which  I agree in principle because the work is no more involved for one delivery guy vs the other.   But then again the difference between the amount of work a diner waitress does and a waiter at some 5 star restaurant isn't that different either and we feel obliged to pay them radically differently.   Truth be told you interact more with the diner waitress as fills your coffee 10 times in an hour yet dropping $3.15 because your bill is $16.85 seems perfectly legit while dropping anything less than 25% on a $300 dinner is a basis for prosecution in NYC or LA.  

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the headphone wearing server

There are few things I find more insulting than some server at a local
restaurant wearing headphones while making your $5 footlong. I don't
know what it is because it's not as if you need to have your undivided
attention to make a meatball parm and I am fine with the listening to
the radio. I just don't think it's right for him to be listening
Boomer and Cartoon or the Z morning Zoo on his Walkman is pompous and
annoying
Maybe it just reeks of a guy who has no sense of camaraderie with his
fellow illegals or maybe I am afraid he'll accidentally put provolone
instead of mozzarella on my sandwich but I don't think there is any
place for this kind of behavior in a civilized society

Take on the New Delta Medallion Qualification

I'm a platinum medallion member on Delta earning somewhere between 75,000 and 110,000 miles over each of the last five years.    That means you spend a lot of time in airports, lot of time on planes and a lots of money.   The entire Frequent Flyer concept works out great for airlines because people like will almost naturally go to my preferred airline so that you rack up as many miles as possible and will on occasion pay a higher price to do so.   In return I get a couple of upgrades and get to board the planes first which are nice perks but it's very obvious who really benefits more from our 'relationship'.

Well today I got a pretty obnoxious email about the new improved medallion qualifications which they tell me will improve my experience

Better At Giving You The Best. To create an even more exclusive Medallion program and make it easier for Medallion members to enjoy the top-tier benefits their loyalty deserves, we are introducing a change to status qualification. Beginning January 1, 2014, you will earn Medallion status through a combination of miles or segments flown and your annual spending on Delta flights, which will be measured by Medallion Qualification Dollars (MQDs).

I get the concept of trying to make it more inclusive but I don't exactly know how this lack of exclusivity affects me today..  Like I said I already get upgrades, free beer on planes, waived baggage fees, a special phone number to book through and early boarding so unless they start giving out BJ's on board I'm not sure what this will do...except force me to spend more money

Platinum Medallion qualification always called for 75,000 miles but now I must also spend $7500 on Medallion Qualification Dollars.   The good news is they will wave this if you spend $25,000 on your Delta Airlines American Express card which is yet another way to rope you into their little stratosphere but at least they show a chick in a canoe when telling you that you'll be taking it up the five hole because rowing in a lake has so much to do with flying out of LaGuardia

Take on the Subway Pooper

When I read the story about the guy killed last night while sh!tting between subway cars while another guy was found bloodied on the tracks at the same station at the same time I had one thought there was something that didn't smell right..   The reports are that the first guy got killed trying to take a dump between the subway cars and the second guy in an unrelelated event  ended up drunk and bloodied at the other side of the tracks at the same station and same time.   There is something not kosher about this story and I'm not talking about a Rabbi blessing the act.  To me this just seemed like some kind of man on man action which went terribly wrong

I have NOTHING against gay-sex and nothing against subways but this entire story sounds way too fishy..  How the hell is a guy even able to balance himself between two subway cars to take a dump.  I've walked between cars back when the doors weren't locked and I couldn't even stand up between those two cars for two seconds without being thrown from one side to another, there is absolutely NO way I'm attempting to drop my pants to drop a deuce.   First of all the only way you would even do this is if had some crazy Montezuma's revenge going on and if that is the case you may as well just do it in your pants because trying to expunge that watery shit means you're going to get it all over yourself even if you aren't trying to balance yourself between subway cars at 40mph.  Second of all the other dude was hammered and claims to have no memory at all of the entire event. which is a bit hard to believe if you just spent the last 20 minutes laying between the tracks with those poodle size rats.

call me a conspiracy theorist but this looked like a couple of drunk dudes having a little fun at high speeds with some very serious consequences..

Take on the ransom note Amazon description

As an ESL student myself, I totally understand the difficulty of a
second language but when I logged onto Amazon the other day even I was
floored with the way a product was described
This product description said

"Congratulation!!!!! You have got the best Price for Today. Don't
wasting time take it to your cart in amazon, to getting The best price
in this website

We suggest you to buy it now, because the price is limited time offer"

You have to love these funny Asians although nothing makes me want to
run for the hills with my credit card number more than a description
which is written like a ransom note, I just wish they didn't type it
and wrote the thin up with different words cut out of magazines

Take on the Golden Globe comedy/musical category

One thing I have never understood about the Golden Globes is why they
lump musicals and comedies together in one category. There really
cannot be two more radically different movie scripts than Les
Miserables and Dumb and Dumber, although they are both brilliant in
their own way. How the hell would Hugh Jackman competing against Jim
Carrey for best actor?? One is singing in French the other is
frenching a poodle

I always thought musicals should either be put with dramas especially
when the theme isn't exactly comedic or otherwise put them in a
category with other musicals although with like two musicals per year
you wind up getting a lot of Cuba Gooding Jr type victories

Taking on parenting

I have been reading a bunch of parenting books lately and one of the
themes they keep repeating is trying to empower the kids so that thy
feel they are involved in some decisions. They suggest giving a kid a
choice between two pairs of pants, two books or a couple of fruits and
all-in-all it's a pretty good method to get things done.
The problem is that I've now given my kid way too many options and
find myself completely frustrated
The other day I have her am option of supermarkets and when she chose
A&P because the shopping carts have a kid's car attachment. This is
great until I realized that I didn't need to go to A&P that day, I
needed to go to Trader Joes for some of the premarinated meat. So
there I am standing in the wrong supermarket and as opposed to being
out in 10 minutes it takes me 15. Plus that instead of getting my
cooking done in 15 minutes, I now had to spend 30 minutes

Hey at least she got to drive in the shopping cart with the blue car
attachment so I was able to shop for the wrong items in peace

Take on Starbucks Blond Roast

I've always appreciated that Starbucks has never been afraid to have
their coffee taste like coffee that is until they decided to start
offering one of the worst tasting coffee's I've ever had. The Blonde
Roast I had the other day tasted like it was filtered through my sock
and then infused with sugar.
It is just some of the worst tasting crap I have ever had and I feel
like the $0 I spent on the sample was a ripoff

Take on the to go napkins

I get that there are some people who don't care about the environment
places but I can't imagine why some are just dying to burn money. I
get a salad today and they must have given me a small tree's worth of
napkins. I appreciate a napkin as much as the next guy and maybe more
because I am a notoriously sloppy eater but there is no reason they
throw 50 napkins in my to go bag especially because it's a salad you
eat with a fork

The real irony is that the time you need one there aren't enough like
Dirty Gyro cart which is a by far a much messier meal gives you
exactly one napkin

Take on the new parking signs

Not sure if you have noticed this but apparently the NYC parking
authority has started to change the font on their road signs. Any
effort to make them more legible is a win in my mind so I'm happy
about that although most of the time you need to stare at these signs
for a half an hour before you are sure you can park there. The
problem is they went from Times Roman to Calabri which is easy on the
eyes but it just doesn't fill up the signs. What they really should
have done is made the metal sign part smaller and ave the tax payers a
few bucks

That is unless this is part of a larger plan and they are already
planning to sell advertising space

Take on the Hall of Fame

With the first time in recent memory, the baseball writers kept
everybody out of the Hall of Fame although there were obviously many
players who's numbers would have made them obvious locks but with all
the PED whispers none did

I have an issue with putting guys on a ballot and then have writers
make moral decisions especially when they played in an era when
steroid use was rampant and basically accepted by the entire
establishment. If you don't want them in then keep them off the
ballot a la Pete Rose but if they are there they should be voted on
for their playing career.

But my issue today is something a bit different than the guys who have
been kept out because of suspicions but more the fringe guys. The
MLB HOF requires you to have 5% of the votes to stay on the ballot and
can stay on for ten years but that number is way too low. If you
get 10-15% of the votes you are not now and never should be a Hall of
Famer. To me you are either a Hall of Famer or not and I never
understood the concept of keeping these guys on for a decade to see if
they can slip through. All the guys who get in on their ninth or
tenth year are by definition such borderline cases the decision should
be obvious.
To me if you don't make it on the second ballot then you are off for
good. Maybe give you one reprieve ten years later but that's it

Take on the $20 bill limitation

I cannot stand the fact when I get a $50 bill because it becomes
absolutely impossible to spend. It's like somebody saddles you with a
three legged dog because you just know you are going to be saddled
with it for a week before you can spend it. I walk into a bagel shop
today and notice the "no bill larger than $20 accepted" and I started
to think that it might be time to adjust those signs
First of all they have had the same denomination restriction for 25
years so if you take inflation into consideration that number should
easily be $50 by now.
I also know that people fear counterfeit bills but with all the new
counterfeit checks it's about time we get over that fear, I think
there is some kind of magical pen that can tell if they are fake
right??

Here is a thought, nobody is counterfeiting $50 bills, if anything
they are going to counterfeit twenties because guess what....nobody
will take a $50

I have a great idea, you could start a business just offering people
two twenties and a five for $50 outside of delis in NYC, you'd make a
fortune.

Take on theUPS customer service

There really aren't any people less competent than the people who work in customer service call centers.   I'm not sure what the job description calls for but I think it probably says something like  "looking for unmotivated people who can talk themselves into circles and be as unhelpful as humanly possibly, Southern accent a plus"

I was on the phone today with UPS for well over an hour because UPS delivered a package to me in error.   I  returned the shipment back to the shipper and three months later I'm getting billed for this shipment.   This is obviously more than a bit frustrating especially because the shipment charge is well over $300 but mostly because I followed their instructions to a T and now I'm spending hours of my life on some UPS call-hold

This is how my conversation goes with the customer service rep

Righetti  "a shipment arrived at my door in September for goods meant for another company, we contacted the shipper and they told us to return the goods to them and that UPS would be picking up the charges, now three months later I'm getting a bill for the charge"

Customer Service Rep  "so let me get this straight you never received the shipment"

Righetti "no, I received a shipment that was intended for somebody else and I returned it"

Customer Service Rep  "OK, I understand let me put you on a brief 2-3 minute hold"

-bad music-

Customer Service Rep  "so to make sure I'm straight you made a shipment that was never received"

Righetti  "no, I received a shipment that was intended for somebody else and I returned it"

Customer Service Rep  "so you are the shipper who made the wrong shipment?"

Righeti  "no I received a shipment that was intended for somebody else and I returned it"

Customer Service Rep  "can I put you on a brief 2 to 3 minute hold"

Take on Chasing Fireflies

It seems I get 15 catalogues delivered to me weekly aimed right at my
daughter (or her gullible parents). We get American Girl Doll, CP
toys, Oriental Trading, One Step Ahead which my older daughter likes
to leaf through as she eats her Cheerios.

They all seem pretty harmless -except of course the fact they will all
inevitably cost me money when they find something they really want-
until she got one titled Chasing Fireflies. I hadn't pre-read it
before handing it over to her but when I looked over her shoulder I
was pretty shocked. The pictures of the boys were pretty innocent,
most of them playing with cars or making sand castles but the pictures
of the girls were more risqué than your average men's magazine. These
are 8 to 14 year old girls all of whom have these seductive poses.

First of all they have almost all the girls looking down with their
legs crosses in a very submissive pose, not one I'd like my girls to
emulate. Secondly the dresses they are wearing would be flattering
for most 25 year olds. Long gone are cute and clever outfits these
things just a scream adult.

I am posting some of the worst pictures but have purposely left off
some of the most risqué ones because I don't need the FBI knocking on
my door

Take on the babysitter ride

As a father of young girls I have decided that there are a number of aituations i will lose sleep over.   One of them is probably any night either goes on a date, another would be any night they were home after seven but worse than that is that I don't want them in a car with any older guy.   For example, there will be absolutely no way I will ever let them be driven home after babysitting for $6 per hour by the father.  These guys are probably fine and it might be sexist to even suggests it but the entire concept of Mr Jones driving my daughter home at 11pm on a Friday does not fly in my book.

Get your rocks off some other way guy.

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the bad job

There are a ton of crappy jobs in this world but none which seem as
demeaning as walking around Manhattan wearing a giant banana costume
and I am not sure if walking in a group of 50 similarly dressed people
makes it better or worse?
I was walking through Times Square today and was almost taken out by
the huge parade of bananas chanting and singing about some new fruit
drink at Jamba Juice. Although I guess any way to get noticed is a
positive thing when companies try to market themselves but when it
involves people cursing your employees because they are impeding their
ability to get to work.
I would hate to have to look my wife and kids in the eye everyday
knowing I just spent 10 hours looking like this

take on the google chat list

One thing I cannot stand about Gmail which I can't stand is that whenever you send a message to anybody with an Gmail address they get automatically added to your Google chat thing..  I get that this might be convenient for people who you are planning on communicating with on a regular basis but I cannot stand how adding them is basically a default

I'm looking over at that area right now and out of the 9 people who have a green dot next to them: my sister in-law, my brother's girlfriend, some dude I went to college with, a buddy's wife and five people who I cannot place for the life of me.. I scrolled over one of them and I honestly thought it might be Hacksaw Jim Duggan..   Not only do I not need to see this person in real life, I prefer to not accidentally have to see him topless on my Gmail if I happen to scroll over his name.

The worst thing is not just that adding people is the default action that GMail does but that I have absolutely no idea how to delete them from this list..

Taking on the gift shop

I get that every governmental agency is trying to make ends meet even
though they all seem to get a more bloated budget every year without
ever getting any more efficient or offering better service. What
really got me was when I saw that the NY Waterway was selling tshirts
and hats.
The thought that somebody is dying to spend $12 on a NY Waterways
coffee mug is beyond me. I cannot tell you how little interest I'd
have wearing LIRR shorts, MTA jacket or a Port Authority tshirt and
have to imagine every other loser using these modes of transportation
feels the same way

Take on the Dairy Cliff

When I woke up this morning I checked my phone and after getting
through the lame "Happy New Years" texts, I scrolled over to CNN to
find out that the Senate passed a bill last night to avoid the fiscal
cliff. I haven't had chance to see the details but was happy to see
it contained a provision to avoid the even more dreaded Dairy Cliff.
This was a particularly ominous cliff as it would have had milk prices
rise to (gasp!!) $7 per gallon which sounds crazy except when you
consider that I have been spending $5.49 for a half gallon of
Stonyfields. Well if the regular schmo goes up to $7 a gallon then I
figure I will pay almost $20 for the stuff not infused with PED's