Take on the open pickle barrels

I love pickles, I'd eat them with just about any meal that offers one
and have travelled far and wide for a good one. I also love street
fairs and stands and nothing is a better combo than one of those
Pickle Guy stands. What I don't like are the ones where they allow
the average homeless guy to stick his meat-paws into the pickle bucket
to get a sample. Don't get me wrong, I love the sample myself, but
that is only because I don't allow myself to realize what they've been
exposed to and although pickle juice can cure even the nastiest
hangover, I doubt it stands a chance against tuberculosis

take on the public donation

When I got CC'd to an email the other day, I was immediately annoyed.  It isn't that getting put onto an email thread in itself annoys me as I get put on tons of them about home-improvement issues and I happily read without ever caring to comment.   What got me annoyed about this particular instance was that I was CC'd on an email from an acquaintance about a charity event with a note that they would not be able to attend; they also made it a point to add a PS about a donation they'd be making for the charity.   I'm happy that people feel it within their heart to make a donation to a cause they believe in, but I'm not exactly sure why I need to be informed of their every move.

There is a beauty about making an anonymous donation

take on the beard net

I understand the need for the health department to demand that people
working in the food-preparing industry should wear hair-nets but when I got
breakfast this morning at Subway and the dude comes out of the kitchen
looking like Santa Clause, I wonder if there should be an enforced law for
beard-nets too?  This dude looked like Osama Bin Laden with a beard that
slopped into the $5 footlong like a mop.

Although, to be honest, it's not as bad as the guys at the Italian place up
the street from my old apartment.  In the 98 degree heat this savage should
have been forced to wear a chest-net to catch all the stray sweat covered
chest hairs falling into my meatball parm out of his dirty v-neck.   This
is one place those dirty take-out Chinese places have a major (hairless)
leg up.

Take on the walking duck

I can't stand feeling like I am stuck behind a semi as I try to get to
work. I can't stand people who waddle down the street but especially
when you burn my retinas with your choice in clothing.
Can somebody explain why a man would EVER wear purple pants,
especially when they look like they should be wearing a girdle. I
walk down the street last week and see this mass of humanity waddling
in front of me

I don't know why it bothers me but it is mainly because this blob of
humanity blocked me from getting to work on time with his yellow murse
and what looks like night be a brassier under that baloney skin
golf-shirt

Take on the tossed salad

There is probably nothing less appealing than the large salad at a
party, yet every BBQ today will have one guest who was tasked to bring
one. It's easy to bring beer, it's no problem to bring hot-dogs or
burgers but the person in charge of the salad is screwed. First of
all, there is just no way to dress a salad for that many people
without it getting completely drenched so most of the time people opt
to not dress it which leaves you chewing on plain arugula or spinach.
Add to that so many dietary restrictions, it always just becomes a big
bowl of greens with not nearly enough stuff which will inevitably be
the item nobody at the party will actually go for. This pathetic bowl
of leaves and to maps wil sit there all day, wilting from the heat of
the grill and the sun. People will pick at some of the goat cheese
and cranberries bit will leave all the lettuce, which will constantly
make the concoction look less and less appetizing

So do us all a favor this Memorial Day and leave the big bag of
prewashed lettuce at home, and bring another six of Brooklyn Summer

Take on the crazies

I was looking for a new AM/FM radio the other day and came across the
above one. I have learned a few things in my life: never speak to
the guy at the next urinal, never get sushi at a 50% off sake and
don't ever trust a guy wearing the over the head radio transmitters

I think the first two are obvious but the last may need some
explanation. See, the kind if guy who uses this kind of radio, is one
step away from going off the grid all together. A guy like this is
just as likely to live in some cabin in New Hampshire or with his
parents in Queens but either way, he probably thinks that BigBrother
is following him or at least that is what Glenn Beck is channeling to
him.
There has to be a very obviously and measurable connection between
those headsets and sending envelopes containing Ricin or Anthrax

So, I decided against this option, even if it is a great look, and
opted for a jogging Sony for $29.99

Take on the teenager mob

When did teenagers all start to dress like The Fresh Prince? I walk
through the hellhole that is Port Authority this week and encounter
what should have been a somewhat intimidating scene. About 8 or 9
rowdy teenagers, all yelling and cussin and causing typical mayhem,
were standing around and basically blocking foot traffic. But as
opposed to it coming across as even remotely threatening, it came
across as a broadway show because these dipshits were decked out in
purple shorts, like green hats and bright yellow tank-tops. It is as
if I got off the bus, and somehow ended up at Six Flags
It is not that teenagers, in general, are all that intimidating, but
any pack of people sort of confronts you, even if they aren't doing
anything. It is the perception that they could at some point could
jump you, these guys looked more likely to break out into Office
Krupke

Take on Strawberry

When I walked into Starbucks the other day, I realized it was time to
move. Not only were they blasting some awful Yaz song and there was
a huge line which meant I had to listen to the entire thing but The
guy in front of me, some 20 something Dustin Diamond looking dweeb
ordered what may have been the longest single drink order I have ever
heard.

Dustin. Can I get a tall triple mocha, skim milk no water, double
espresso latte with low fat whip-cream and a swirl

Barista: sure, will that be it?

Righetti (under my breath) "not sure why you'd get skim milk and low
day whip-cream if you are adding three servings of mocha"

Barista: (wink) "be with you in a second, sir"

Dustin: "no, that's it, thank you"

Barista: that will be $6, what is your name?

Dustin: "Strawberry"

Barista: (giggles), "strawberry?"

Righetti: (rolls eyes)

Dustin: "yep, Strawberry"

Barista " ok Strawberry, latte at the end of the counter"

Righetti "large black coffee, please"

Barista "I need a new job"

Righetti "I need a new Starbucks"




By the way, I don't think he was gay

Take on Kids Musical Yoga

When my kid brought home a Kids Musical Yoga DVD the other day, I thought it would be a nice way for her to unwind from a full day while I prepared dinner for her and her sister.  I pop in the video and just listen to the songs from the kitchens.  They all seem innocent enough with some mermaid named Andreanna and her musical partner named Talon singing about sea animals and asking to mimic them in various yoga poses.   The weird thing was when I actually say down to catch the last few minutes.  

Maybe it's just dated but the entire thing feels like it was filmed in San Fernando Valley.  It wasn't just the production value but even the mermaid chick and her long haired musical comrade looked like they just rolled over from another kind of shoot and didn't bother to even wipe up.   They both have that hung-over glassy, 'I am not sure if I am supposed to sing or sit on his face' look, her with the ridiculous eye-makeup and teased out hair and him with that sleazy 'I got a' 9 inch dong' attitude.   You half expect him to pick her up and bend her over the enchanted sea throne to find her magic mermaid pearl 

Overall, I am fine with pornography, but I am not sure I need my three year old watching Lucy Luscious roll her eyes back and watching Richard Pounder standing that close to my kid

if you want to be freaked out yourself, go to http://www.kidsmusicalyoga.com/media/kidsmusicalyoga_demo.wmv

Take on China's One Boy Policy

I have always consider myself pro choice, believing that a woman has the right to make decisions on her body but my defense both outwards, and the one I internalize, takes a major hit every time I think about China.   See, in China with their strong 1 child per couple rules and a strong desire from that culture to have boys, there are million of fetuses aborted for the sheer fact that they come up as XX as opposed to XY.   This (un)natural selection has gotten so bad, that there are now 118 boys born for every 100 girls and having been there a dozen times, it is not getting any better.    Not only are there major societal problems that will lead directly from this disparity (younger and younger girls needing to wed older men, less child bearing women in total) but it is completely awful, in my mind, to make a choice based on it's gender.  

This Asian mentality of female inferiority is maddening and flat out disgusting.  I can only hope these sex craved young men will realize that they also have a choice in this matter..a choice to not out pressure on their wives to bear a boy 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the front in parallel parker

There are not many skills, I believe all humans should posses but i am
convinced people who do not have them are suffering from some of them
may as well have a functioning disability. Forget autism, adult ADD,
manic depression or schizophrenia, i am taking about something that is
even more disabling and probably a larger drain on society.

These basic skills include being able to properly communicate, keep
clean and maybe most importantly, parallel park. I do not understand
how a seemingly adjusted adult can live another wise normal life and
not be able to park a car. This is not a complicated task, it
involves looking over your shoulder and turning a steering wheel. I
cannot imagine living in the 21st century and feeling like three
quarters of the parking spots aren't available to me because they
involve some basic geometry. It is such a basic skill that I have to
assume that anybody who cannot master it, is probably incapable of
many things other functional adults do with ease.

So I propose taking away driver's licenses of anybody observed of not
being able to parallel park at minimum and institutionalizing after
the second offense

Take on the mirror

For all the complaining I so, it would be about time for me to call out my own flaws.   I remember taking my senior photo and realizing that I am completely two faced.  I'm not talking about a propensity to stab people in the back, that is an all together other asset, but the fact that my face is completely asymmetrical.  It's the reason I so often stare at myself in the mirror and wonder what is wrong

My cheekbones on one side of my face are a full inch higher than the ones on the other.  My one eye looks like it's being pulled  down by a small weight and my mouth looks like The Joker meets Stallone, add to that the dark circles, the half grown in beard and the gap between my teeth and I look like a total pervert

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the FIOS cable guide

For months I have realized that I can't stand the FIOS cable-guide,
but was never able to put my finger on why. Last night, I realized
why I had such hatred. For some reason when FIOS designed their
cable guide, showing seven channels at a time, they did not put the
highlighted one on the middle. So there are two channels above and
four channels below which seems completely ass backwards because your
eye naturally gravitates towards the middle of the screen. With seven
channels showing, it would make sense to have three channels above and
three channels below because, well that would be logical. Then again
FIOS is designed to make my life hell, so every time I select the
channel I want to watch, I actually end up watching one channel up
from the one I meant to click on.

Take on the mile marker

There is nothing more cruel to a long distance runner than seeing a
mile marker and realizing later it was misplaced. You run with
certain time goals and unless you have a GPS watch you depend on the
road markers to indicate if you are staying on pace. Well apparently
somebody decided that converting from the metric system wasn't exactly
crucial because today I run past a 10k/6mile sign which is like
telling a chick it's ok to wear flats with a summer dress because the
combo does not compute when it comes to somebody with half a brain

Take on the bike sharing lanes

I am all for bike sharing, bike parking spots and bike lanes but what
I don't get are these bike lanes that run thought the center of cross
town streets. They used to always put them on the right side of
streets but I have seen them increasingly drawn in the middle of the
street which seems idiotic. I get that bikers need to be protected
and I am fine finding ways to make them more usable but this is
ridiculous.
Not only is this completely inconvenient but it has to be somewhat
dangerous to have bikes run between two lanes of cars.
But what is a bigger pain is that these bike lanes make it impossible
to maneuver when there is construction

Time to start using population control

Take on the look street signs

I am not sure what is more dangerous than these stupid "look"
stenciled signed painted on the street corners!! Somebody had the
bright idea of trying to get busy NewYorkers to look up and watch for
oncoming traffic. Not only do they look idiotic but I am sure they
don't make anybody safer

See the problem is that the first time you see this, you may make the
association and look up, but walk past a thousand of them and they
become like the homeless on the subway, something you have learned to
ignore

The truth is that these signs may attract your eyeballs, but it will
probably only lead to people staring down at the street, not looking
up down the street

Take on the Times Square idiots

I don't quite get the appeal to a bunch of tourists standing on top of
the TKTS platform staring at one of those big screens in Times Square.
I guess people love to see their Ohio or Iowa faces plastered with a
big circle around it but to stand around waiting for an hour to see
yourself in the equivalent of a mirror

Then again these are the same idiots who eat at Olive Garden, pay $5
to take a picture with Cookie Monster and watch The Big Bang Theory,

Take on the plastic sunglasses

Somebody has to tell these dudes that stroll around manhattan wearing
those idiotic hipster plastic sunglasses and leather jackets that they
not only look like a complete douche, but they probably should put on
a brassiere for some additional support

I don't quite get the look for these sunglasses because everybody who
wears them looks like they are channeling Groucho Marx. Not only do
they look cheap but they make your nose look like you have a hard time
telling the truth

So put on a bra, take off your jacket and buy a pair of aviator
sunglasses...and stop annoying me


Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Target Junk Drawer

Can somebody explain the appeal to the junk drawer at Target?? I walk
in the other day and as I stroll through the pharmacy, I come across
this one section where they throw their heavily discounted items
together in the hope somebody gets nostalgic for a garage sale. There
were boxes of aspirin, hair color sets, used rubbers and tanning spray
and all of it was offered at the bottom prices.

If they really wanted to sell this dead stock, wouldn't they be better
off trying to display it somewhere with a big 75% off sign? Instead
it looks like the spot they dump all the stuff people bring to the
register and when it rings up, they tell the 300 pound cashier that
they are going to pass on it. Now instead of paying some snot-nosed
high school kid $6 to put it back on the shelves, they just leave it
in a big pile of crap, hoping somebody shoplifts it away. That way
they can at least claim it as a legitimate loss

Take on the odd Mother's Day promotion

I love my mom, I love wingers and I live tight shirts but can't think
of a time I'd like to have all those things in one place at once.
I was at Hooters last week for a...uhm work thing and came across the
mothers eat free on Mother's Day. There are probably not a lot of
places, I'd think my wife would want to be today than the stomach ache
which comes with beer, boobs and drumsticks, and can't imagine a lot
of the non-lesbian moms would either.
I'm by no means a feminist, but I'd have to think the best gift for
mother's is to close the store for the day. This is also the reason
there are no NFL games in May

Take on the cork heel

With the first few really nice days of the spring, we all get a little pep in our step.  People seem happier, more at ease and luckily better looking.  Chicks start breaking out tank-tops, summer dresses and skirts and all of a sudden everything in the world seem right again.   Then of course, you start to notice, that half of them are sporting flats which make most of them look like they are going waterskiing.   It is well established that a woman in flats may as well sport a garbage bag instead of a dress cause she looks like hell

So when a chick shows up in three inch cork heels, I am torn.   I obviously prefer the height but those cork shoes look like the high heel equivalent if the white geriatric sneaker.   They might be comfortable but you gotta realize this isn't about comfort, it's about style and 99% of those cork things look like you are walking on a wine bottle 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the in-store credit card

Is there a bigger pain in the ass than when you are stuck on a line at
some retail operation and they ask the person in front of you, if they
want to sign up for the Gap card? They always tell the sucker that
it will only take a minute but that's like saying getting stuck behind
somebody in the cash-lane on the Triborough will only cost you a
couple of seconds. The Russian chick in front of me today, took 10
minutes to get approved for a purchase of $14.
I get wanting to save 5% of your purchase but when the sale is for $14
and the saving is $0.70, you are wasting everybody's time....most
importantly mine






Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Hyatt toilet for midgets

I often complain about the low hanging shower heads in American
hotels, which seem like they are set up for a society of 5'5 dudes
instead of one where men regularly shoot over 6 feet. I have noticed
that the Hyatt chain has taken it a step further, as their toilets are
ridiculously low. It could be a style, maybe they got a deal on
one-offs from American Standard or maybe the CEO is Mickey from
Seinfeld but either way I am the one who suffers. I believe there is
some research that sitting with your knees above your waist, aids in
shitting so this could be a health decision, or maybe they just care
to appeal to a shorter clientele (Asians??). The one thing I know is
that every time I tried to get off of this midget throne, I felt like
my knees were going to collapse.

So, I will not be seeking the Hyatt out anymore until they start
installing toilets for normal sized humans

Take on the guy taking a call on a train

Is there anything more obnoxious than some dude leading a conference
call while sitting on a three hour train ride? What the fuck dude, I
am hung over and feel like somebody is poking me through the back of
my eyeballs with a rusty ice pick and you are talking about database
management and customer surveys.
I recognize that there are quiet cars but that doesn't mean that in
the "loud" cars , all your seat-mates have to be forced to listen to
this.

I sit on plenty of boring conference calls, really don't want to have
to sit through another one, especially one as dull as this one

Please God, let his battery go dead before I throw his cell phone out
of the window

Take on Charles Ramsey

There is no bigger star to the unbelievable story of the three women
and one baby kidnapped than Charles Motherfucking Ramsey. When I
first saw is story on TV last night, and saw Ramsey interviewed, I was
sure I was watching an episode of the Dave Chapelle show. This dude
is straight bananas, and if the 911 call didn't get you, his
interviews will. He's no hero, but I have to say he will be the next
Joe the Plumber, because it his hasn't brought him the kind of fame to
get him on GMA or Oprah or Ricki Lake, then there is no god
If nothing else, McDonalds should offer him a BigMac a day for life,
they'd get some good press and the way Ramsey looks, they'd be looking
at a payout of a year and a half tops, before he drops dead....and
that would be a sad day

If nothing else, somebody needs to get him onto the C.No list serve...

Take on the pedicure

When I went for a pedicure the other day, I thought I may have started
a new war, this time with South Korea as opposed to their northern
neighbors. I walk in and sat down, plopped by gigantic ass into one
of those vibrating seats and sloshed my feet into that mold infested
foot bath.
The lady walk over and starts rubbing them with some kind of salt and
immediately looks like she is going to lose her lunch. She
immediately puts on these rubber gloves, saying image chemicals are
harsh. Mind you there is no other foot technician wearing gloves and
they are all using the same chemicals Then again calling my feet
gnarly, is an understatement, and this poor woman had just signed
herself up for 45 minutes of maintenance for $22 plus tip.
She worked for a few minutes before calling for backup, this time an
even FOBier chick who's comfort of the English language seemed to not
go beyond "sucky sucky". Even this girl, who may otherwise had to
mount a 400 pound bucktoothed guy in sweats, couldn't handle them.
She apologized, claiming she needed to warm ho towels and she called
for an even FOBier one (this one may have come from North Korea for
all I know) and she dove in like a ravished dog. She massaged,
filed, cut and rubbed them and 45 minutes later, my feet felt like a
baby's ass and my ego felt like a baby's diaper

Take on the refill charge

Is there anything that comes across as gouging than places that charge
for refills of soda. The funny thing is that I shouldn't care
because I don't drink this vile grap myself, but the thought of a
chain restaurant charging you $2.25 for a cup with syrup water and
then banging you for another buck if you want to fill up again feels
unAmerican. This is a country of opportunity, opportunities to get
incredibly fat and then suck the welfare state dry because your
cholesterol is four digits, when you look down at the scale, the first
number you see is a 3 and you only see the top because your gut covers
the bottom part.
And now they want to limit your obesity or at least charge you to to
high heavens to maintain it

Next thing you know, they will charge you for a refill on your draft
beer or a refill of your BigMac

Take on Xi'an's Famous Food

A few weeks ago, I noticed an incredibly long line outside of a small
storefront in midtown. Not since the release of the last IPhone, had
I seen White people and Asians so excited about anything, as they
lined up 100 deep for latest in yuppy cool.
I tried getting on the line on Thursday around 1pm but was told that
the wait to get to the front door was 20 minutes and that the line
continued inside. There were rampant rumors of an hour total wait
time, including actually getting your food, so I decided to regroup
and come back another day

Xi'an's Famous Food has taken over the pantheon of hype, usually
reserved for the latest artisan food truck, around midtown lunch.
People stand in line for hours to try such treats as tingly beef
noodles and a lamb burger.

I returned Friday to fight again, this time showing up at 11:30, a
full hour and a half before I would ever reasonably eat lunch, and the
line was already stretched to the street. After 20 minutes, I finally
ordered and a good 15 minutes after that, walked out with a plastic
bag of what better be the best f'in Chinese food this side of
Guangzhou.
The lamb burger which came out first did not disappoint, carrying full
flavor and exception spice. in my excitement, I asked for some
cilantro to be added to my tingly beef and was told "no" by the
Chinese guy wearing a dirty shirt and cutting up noodles without
gloves on.
I finally got my noodles, sans cilantro, and headed back to my desk.
I was told to eat quickly as the noodles would get soggy, so I
immediately chowder down...on one of the most disappointing meals I
have ever had. The dish was doused in oil which gave me instant
heartburn, the noodles were flavorless and cold and the tingly beef
tasted like some dude's tingled beef.
My stomach ache started almost immediately, a run to the bathroom came
10 minutes later and I swear I think I almost puked before I made it
to the bathroom
Not since I spent 10 days in China, did I have a worst meal and the
commute was almost as long

If only they gave me some cilantro

Take on Lace

I am as big a supporter of adult entertainment as anybody, but even I get annoyed when they try to blatantly screw you while you are still wearing pants.  It is not uncommon for them to have hidden print in their promotions,although most of them are of the wink-wink variety

I get one of those Free Admission cards last week with the convoluted message

Free Admission B4 5pm

$5after 'til 8pm

First of all, I hate that teenage/Indian shorthand slang, especially when used professionally.  It's not as if you are paying per letter for these cards, do us all a favor and act professionally and type out 'before'

Secondly, what the hell does "$5after 'til 8pm" mean?    Is this some kind if riddle, designed to confuse a horny businessman, because, as far as I know, that is not a complete sentence. 

Nothing irks me more than a company not having the sense to proofread their handouts   Actually that is not true, nothing irks me more than feeling like I got screwed by a strip club 

Lace is giving the entire industry a bad name 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Leinenkugel

When I hit the supermarket the other day in search of a six of beer, I
got conned by a fancy label and an unpronounceable name. I paid $8.99
for something called Leinenkugel and to say it tasted like my scrotum
is insulting to my nuts.
It seemed up my alley with the whole wheat theme and I sort of liked
the Indian/Mexican lady on the logo plus the color scheme felt
summery. Then I cracked one open and tasted what I can only describe
as bottled fart. I have has a lot of bad beer and I have had a lot
of bad beer, but nothing was quite as awful as this rickenbocker crap.
The "with natural flavors" must refer to flatulence which, I guess
is natural. The irony of course is that with any of these hoppy
beers, the one think you are guaranteed is more flatulence

Give me a 20 year old bottle of warm Rheingold any day of the week.

take on Amanda Bynes

When I saw a picture of some broad named Amanda Bynes in a bikini, I thought that this must be one of those before picture of the Biggest Loser.    I don't know why this girl is famous, or why I should care, but according to the DailyNews article she has legions of fans.  

The picture, which she tweeted to those legions, had a comment from Big Bad Bynes that she was down 4 pounds to 121 pounds and that she was getting closer to her goal of 100 pounds.   I'm no expert on weight but to me that picture of a chick in lingerie looks a lot more like one pushing 151 pounds, not 121.

Even if the 121 is to be believed, there has been a lot of kickback from the media and health nutritionist who say that somebody 5'8" should weight between 125 and 145 pounds but I don't think anybody who sees that picture of blubber and boobs will agree that she can easily look to stand 5, 6 or maybe 20 pounds