Take on the “I’m not a crook”

Trump had his "I'm not a crook" moment as was pointed out on Twitter today. We all know that he's had conflicts they should have been taken care of way before he would run for President and the chances of him having been compromised is now somewhere in the 99.9999999% range. But these are the types of tweets which are the best, because you know they are sent without any oversight from anybody in the West Wing and will hopefully give Mueller the rope so that Trump can hang himself.

Offering a $50 million penthouse apartment as a gift to Vladimir Putin on the eve of the election feels like its enough trope to hang Trump, Little Don, Dumb Eric and Irritable Ivanka and maybe even leave some for Moody Melania and Jiffy Jared.

Take on Little Donnie

Poor Little Donnie. You just know he won't do well in prison but the way he's acting he will likely spend quite a few years behind bars. See Donnie can't help but get his little mittens into the soup and we're not talking about minestrone but some Beretta Bob Chili.

But with Cohen's admission and tons of phone records it's now just a matter of time...hope they get Big Don and throw Mikey Pence in there too...

If all that happens we can welcome President Pelosi

Take on diamond medallion status

After traveling around the world for years for work, I finally hit a milestone that all business travellers aim for. I got to diamond medallion status on delta which meant that I logged 125,000 miles in 2018. This sounds like a good perk but after looking into it a bit further, I kind of don't get it

See getting your diamond status has one big detriment. When you hit the platinum tier which is 75,000 miles there is one big advantage. All miles that you accumulate between 75,000 and 124,999 roll over for miles for next year. So bad I only gotten to 124,999 miles instead of to 125,678 I would have rolled nearly 50,000 miles into next year and almost assured myself another platinum year.

Now I'll start next year with 678 miles and will need to fly 74,322 to get back to platinum which is never easy. The truth is that I ever would have gotten to diamond had it not been for the nearly 40000 miles I carried over from last year.

Take on Trump’s gut

I finally agree with something Trump said, I can't believe it. He told reporters today that the Fed was making a mistake because he has " a gut". I can't say I know enough about what the Fed is doing and how it affecting decisions like GM's announcement BUT I can tell you that Trump has a heck of a gut. The dude walks around and the only reason he doesn't topple over is because his ass is so gigantic it somehow becomes a natural equilibrium. You have to think he looks like a complete beached whale if he ever sat around topless with his gigantic man titties hanging in his iced tea. Between those oversized suits, the extra long tie and the stupid red hat, this guy looks like a bad guy in an Austin Powers flick.

Take on Moon Jae-in’s dogs

I caught this article about the status of the two dogs that Kim Jong Un gifted to Moon Jae-in a few months ago and was happy to hear one is expecting a litter. I also remembered when the exchange happened and considering the animosity and mistrust, I was sort of surprised that these dogs were actually living with Moon in his palace of house or whatever. I had put the chances of the dogs having been imbedded with some kind of listening device at 98%...then again I also had Moon eating them at 100%, so the fact they are still living is sort of an accomplishment for man kind

Anyway, it was a nice gesture, they seem like beautiful dogs and I'm hoping for peace on the peninsula. Either that or Moon sends Kim his own canine present..I'm thinking a rabid wolf.

Take on the sickly POTUS

The president is not well. There was a photo of him today when he looked fatter, older and more sickly than we've seen him in years

- his teeth in this photo are totally weird, does he put on a fake set of chompers??
- he's got a big bandage on his arm which seems like it's covering up something
- his hands look puny compare to his oversized gut
- he has his pants hiked up over his belly button which must mean his nutsack is wedgied into his ass crazy.
- he doesn't have his usual orange glow
- the two old guys next to him look like they're being propped up Weekend at Bernie's style

Is this a body double or is this was Fat Don looks like when he rolls out of bed?!?

Take on the global warming solution.

We've figured out how to prevent global warming and for the first time in decades it doesn't involve recycling or conserving or buying a Prius. Nobody with a brain actually believes that your hybrid car or your LED lights were going to be anywhere near enough and although we all tried, altering the trajectory of global warming would have to be a global effort.
Well now we have a solution and it means we can start driving F150's again and leaving the lights on in the basement. We are going to spray the atmosphere to dim the sun which like many of the great ideas before it first showed up on the Simpsons. But the idea sounds so absolutely idiotic that it might work, either that or we overdo the spray and we hit a man created ice age and all die.

Anyway, good luck with the new idea Yale and Harvard guys, maybe you can try this on a neighboring galaxy to make sure you got the kinks worked out before killing us all here on earth.

Take on Jerome Corsi

Jerome Corsi is the guy who you follow to the stairway to heaven but when he gets to there he turns right and immediately does a swan dive into a lava pit not even checking out to see if his ticket works. Corsi will now likely spend the rest of his days behind bars for the dual crime of being a complete sycophant and being a close associate with Roger Stone although those two things are sort of the same.
Anyway, Big Bob Mueller has him in a plea negotiation which is the equivalent of getting your duck caught in a bottle of pickles and the line of buddies hoping to get their winkie into that bottle is getting longer. Corsi has already spoken to him for forty hours which means that Stone has to be pissing his depends and with any luck it will mean that Julian Assange will hopefully never leave the confines of that half way house he's holed up in along with his hairless cat

Take on Trump’s teleconference

Nothing screams I love the military more than teleconferencing with troops serving in hot wars in combat zones overseas from your private golf club. Trump has convinced a group of people who are at risk of making the ultimate sacrifice that he loves them even while when sergeant bonespur is too afraid to leave his personal bubble to actually interact with them.

But this is who the Americans were dumb enough to elect. A guy who has made a career out of conning people out of all they believe in. This will go down as the biggest con job of all time

Take on dumb science

Our president is a moron, there I said it

I get that half of his crap is just trolling but when this moron spends a day applauding Saudi Arabia for low oil prices while ignoring the murder of a journalist (and the atrocities in Yemen) and then follows it up with a tweet as dumb as his global warming is a hoax thing, you realize that you're not dealing with a full bowl of soup

Hey Trump, let me make it simple for you weather <> climate

This is the same kind of argument your drunk uncle who works for DPW would make over turkey tomorrow and you'd consider him a moron for saying this even if he's got a 10th grade education and is as impressionable as a beagle. This is the president of the United States, a man who could have all major science reviews at his fingertips but literally might it be able to read it. . But he doesn't care, he's dumber than he's fat and he's fatter than he's ugly which is impressive because he is really fat and really ugly.

Take ok romaine

Every six months or so an EColi scare rages through our world when we are told that if we eat a salad we may all die with our intestines spewing out of our body cavity.   Now NBC New York gave the best advice

No one should eat romaine lettuce — or any lettuce at all — unless they can be sure it's not from Arizona, federal health officials said Tuesday 


The no one should eat any lettuce at all really spoke to me.   I'm not a complete slob but having a salad is really one of the least satisfying things on earth.   This is akin to expecting breakfast at the Hampton Inn and getting a bowl of Cheerios because the eggs won't be ready before you leave. 

But anyway, I'll take your advice and pass on that salad and instead have a burger with extra shit on it.  

Sent from my iPhone

Take on Hillanka Trump

Lock Her Up!!

You just knew that when Trump made Hillary's irresponsible and likely illegal use of her private email address the crux of his campaign, it would come back to bite him in his gigantic zit covered ass. Not because he himself would violate it but because there has never been a candidate -or president- who conducted more behind the scenes wheeling and dealing. It's part of Trump's nature to bypass ethics, so it's no surprise that he does not want any of that over official email.
I have to believe that when all is set and done, we will find out that Trump's entire tenure will have two sets of records. The official ones and the shadow ones he's certainly creating to try to skirt everything from conflicts to espionage to collusion.

Take on the old guys in the Hangover

There was some APEC summit which I've never really heard of but apparently when you go for dinner you have to look like you the set of The Hangover 3. Mike Pence, Shinzo Abe and some other old white dude walked out looking like they just got half priced BJ's wearing these god awful silk shirts.
But hopefully they left President Xi in the back room with a couple of Thai hookers and they all come out of this thing happier and maybe they can get rid of these stupid tariffs

Take on Mathew Whitaker

Matthew Whitaker is the polar opposite to Ray Romano because by the sights of his inaugural appearance, nobody loves him. You can't blame his underlings for not going to support the new boss since he comes across as somebody who is genuinely miserable and their joint decision to avoid this has to be seen as a message to everybody that his support in the DOJ is as limited as Session's vocabulary was

But we all know this dude was not brought in to fix law enforcement or start a new war on drugs, he's the guy who comes into a failing company and his only mission is to fire everybody and tear the thing down to its core.

Whitaker is here to fire Berretta Bob and that's it. He's not here to win a popularity or a beating contest. The day he fires Mueller is his last formal event, he then disappears as he drags himself back into his dark miserable home.

Take on Big Chris’ troll job

Big Chris was trolling his successor and actually wound up trolling himself. He went on twitter to complain about his nearly 6 hour commute from Piscataway to the Cheesecake Factory in Mendham. Nobody should have to remind Big Chris that he delayed me for three hours a few years ago getting to work because he's a petty small-large man.
But anyway, I'm sure he missed the VIP treatment he used to get when state troopers would clear the road so he's never miss a meal.

Good night Governor

Take on our fat president

There are all sorts on palace intrigue going on with Melania who some people have started calling Queen with her assertiveness in her role of the firing of Mr. Mustache's second in command. We've been waiting for two years to see who could reign Trump in and there might be nobody on earth who can but so far the only person in two years to show any ability to influence him on a public stage is the one who refuses to share a bedroom with him.
But what is most striking is the photo posted along with the opinion piece. Black is suppose to be slimming but every time you see Trump he looks more and more bloated.

Most presidents go gray (see W, Obama as recent examples) as the office ages them. Some out in weight (Bubba) and they all more weathered looking with bags under the eyes, stress lines in their faces and always look like they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders...which they quite honestly are.
But Trump doesn't seem to get older looking since he's covered in cheddar cheese and his toupee hasn't changed color, so he's following in Clinton's footsteps and he has gotten disgustingly obese. There are photos of him standing behind the lectern and his ass comes out so far, he's practically holding himself up against the back walk

Can you imagine this guy in a non black suit, he's look like a gigantic burrito


He must be 290 pounds all of it pure blubber

Take on the downfall of Avenatti

Maybe Michael Avenatti wasn't the prince on the white horse after all. I get his position and appreciate that he's taken the fight to Trump but also have always thought him every bit the opportunist his biggest foe is. I'm not sure this domestic violence is a legitimate suspicion as he's made more enemies than we'll ever imagine but it does expose his weakness as a candidate and more importantly possibly as a human being.

So goodnight Mike, your country needs a leader not another celebrity.

Take on Tucker’s tucker

Whenever I think of Tucker Carlson I remind myself of the story I heard of Tucker tucking his little carlson in between his legs when he was trying to impress his high school buddies. The thing was that his high school buddies weren't impressed with a dude prancing around looking like he has a pussy that they called him one for years. But what was odd was that Tucker never understood why anybody would not think it was funny and really never got why these jocks would think it was weird especially when he offered to wrestle them with his Tucker tucked back there. So his entire shtick is just him trying to overcompensate for trying to recreate the Crying Game and for that, we all lose

Take on the recount

Trump is calling the Florida election a massively infected essentially comparing it to his own private Vietnam. Of course there is no proof to this but that never seems to stop Trump from spouting nonsense. It does feel like we are going back to hanging chads in a state which you always expect to be purple but always ends up red. Maybe it's the rednecks, maybe it's the old people or maybe it's just Florida but no state disappoints Democrats more than Florida does. This is Lucy pulling away the football bad.

Of course none of it matters because if the recounts do favor the democrats, Trump will scream from the rooftops -and likely send in the. National Guard- even though the 0.5% margin demands an automatic recount. The mystery ballots that keep showing up are likely mailed ones which, do tend to show up a few days after they are sent.

So here we stand, can't win if you win and can't win if you lose, you can only hope to keep him preoccupied with something else so he doesn't send in the tanks.

Take on Mueller

There is one thing I agree with Trump and Pence and Tucker and Hannity about..it's time for Big Bad Bob to put up for the good of the Union

We've been hearing for months that there are sealed indictments and rumors have been flying that little Don was going to be making license plates as early as last Friday but up until now, we've gotten nothing

I have full faith in Mueller and do think he'll get enough to hang Trump by his nards but with Sessions gone and this partisan hack Whitaker ready to step in, we need to see what Mueller has so that we can hopefully put an end to this travesty of a presidency

Take on the troop visits

In two years our president hasn't visited a single combat zone, has sent thousands of troops to the southern border for a pure political stunt and now refused to attend a military ceremony because his fake hair would get wet. I'm usually not one for pomp and circumstances and never really got the visit the troops thing but do understand the need to look like we care

But this is the guy we elected, a self proclaimed lover of the military even if he has no pedigree and himself took five deferments to serve. He sees the world in black and white with the white portion sitting on golden toilets while the black portion dies in wars.

Take on the Sessions protest

You have to imagine that three years ago there would never be a self respecting a New Yorker who would protest the firing of Jeff Sessions. Honestly, he could have been let go as a night manager at 7/11 for being wrongly accused of sticking his penis in the hot-dog buns and nobody would have cared but somehow Donald Trump has made the little elf sympathetic and almost likable.

So here they went today, a bunch of New Yorkers marching through the rain to protest the firing of Sessions...I think I've seen it all.

Take on Big Huck’s personal porn

It might be time to ask Bug Huck to step down. I'm not sure how we can trust her in the most important role of getting the white house position on daily issues when she goes out and splices together a video to make it look like Jim Acosta karate chopping some intern. We get that it makes her boss look bad that he's screaming at Acosta like some kind of lunatic but when her boss has made a career out of screaming "fake news" then this releasing this is a bit rich.

Take on Trump vs Acosta

What a day it's been.

First the Blue Wave wasn't the surfer dream people had hoped for although it certainly did bring some balance back to the force. The governorships didn't go the Dems way and Beto losing to Crazy Ted must have been demoralizing. Then add the Jeff Sessions news and the fact that Trump will install a crony in his place and you'd have enough material for a week of TOR
But the Jim Acosta-Donald Trump battle was one to behold. This is what happens when you put a person with the maturity of a teenager in the most important job in the world and give him a disappointment result. As much as retaining- and possibly growing- the senate lead was a victory for Donald J Duck, the fact his party lost the House can't have felt good to his ego and he decided to unleash all his anger on Jim Acosta. Watching this exchange, it's very obvious which of the two men have the temperament to handle the pressure of a the job and sadly it's not the orange one.
I'm hoping that Trump challenges him to some kind of physical challenge and Acosta takes him up on it. It would make for some entertaining TV seeing the two of them run a 100 yard dash or kick box or play ping pong.

Take on the Hannity-Trump lovefest

Poor Sean Hannity, even in his pathetic attempts of trying to not come across as a total partisan hack, he falls down and lands face first in Trump's crotch. Nobody really believed that he wasn't Trump's lapdog but he tried to show that he has some integrity yesterday with his tweet saying that he would not be campaigning with Trump at Cape Girardeau. Then just like clockwork he gets on stage and pulls a Stormy Daniels to Trump's
Peter North.

The best part is he pointed to the back of the arena and yelled "Fake News" at the press covering the event, the press which included reporters from FoxNews

I guess they didn't get the memo

Take on Bubly sparkling water

There might literally not be a more vile option than this Bubly sparkling water you see being pushed hard on Amazon.com. I'm not sure where the idea that this stuff might be palatable, let alone good, came from because I just bought a mixed flavor case and each flavor is worse than the next. I wouldn't pour this stuff into my car windshield reservoir let alone actually consume it.

Their fun colors and interesting flavors are all derivatives of awful and amazon should be facing lawsuits for offering this crap.

Take on SNL

I'm not sure if SNL is still funny but it did get some extra publicity today for their bit about the congressional candidate who wears an eye patch. Im sure everybody has their panties in a bunch now but but I'm kind of sick of any comedian asked to apologize for.... being a comedian. This is like asking Mike Tyson to apologize for punching somebody in the ring or Ozzie Canseco for having a ball bounce off his head. I'm also not sure Pete Davidson is funny and pretty sure the joke was not actually funny, so if he's going to apologize for anything, it should be the not very funny joke or better yet that he stole that joke from Seinfeld but don't apologize for political correctness of it all.

Take on Billy Baldwin’s douchy brother

We take a break from our regularly scheduled complaining about the state of politics -and in turn- our country. Don't worry, I'm sure there will be something idiotic that Trump will say today which will allow us to go right back to our normal programming but today we focus on the only man in America who could give Michael Avenatti a run for his money for douchebaggery. Alec Baldwin appears on the front pages of the NY tabloids about once per quarter for some stunt where he somehow turns into a bigger douche than he was beforehand. Maybe it's him screaming at his daughter or maybe it's him making an ass of himself for no good reason but like the changing of seasons, four times per year you are treated to another one of Alec's complete douchiness.

I was on a flight to Tampa a few years ago when Baldwin with his new wife and baby in tow came aboard. He immediately started to bitch and complain about everything from the seat assigned seat to the peanuts to the blankets and within ten minutes the entire plane was expecting the Marshalls to come on and arrest this obvious psychopath. Had he been just an average guy he certainly would have been let off in cuffs and had he been black or middle eastern he would have been tackled and beaten to a pulp for good measure. But he is a celebrity and the entire crew tried to appease him at every turn

The most telling part of the story was that although he and his wife sat up front along with some lawyery looking guy, the nanny sat back in coach with the rest of us and she just sat there shaking her head.

Take on the Cruz-Trump alliance

I'm hoping for Beto to beat Ted Cruz if only to see the bus that Trump will throw him under. The Cruz-Trump alliance is such an odd one considering their history and nothing would bring this full circle than Trump having to answer for Cruz's loss next Tuesday. The two try to sort of tolerate each other in public and you can just imagine how much they hate each other in private. Cruz may be able to bite his tongue on Tuesday but Trump will absolutely go scorched earth on old Ted if he loses and embarrasses him

Take on Don James

Rudy went or and tried to stump for a senate candidate in Michigan and in doing so...pulled a Rudy
He wrote a glowing tweet about Don James making sure he covered his record as a businessman as well as his years as a combats veteran. He also assured us that Don would be looking out for safety and health care and threw in a nice closing line about Don being the future of the party.
This was great and exactly what Don James needed, there really is nothing as good as a major political figure throwing his weight behind your insurgent candidacy with a weak to go. Somebody who cane vouch for you as a man, a politician and a friend.
The only question remains..who the hell is Don James?? There is nobody running for senate in Michigan named Don James although there is a John James but now we are all scratching our head to wonder if Rudy really understands this guy's service and his stance on healthcare if he can't even remember the guy's name. It might be one thing if he had some uncommon name and Rudy butchered it but this guy's name is John f'n James