Take on the dead ducks

I couldn't possibly fly 8000 Miles around the world and not at minimum get a photo of a dead bird hanging behind a window. I was last in China five months ago but honestly believe this dried out duck may literally be the same one that was hanging there then. It's hard to tell with these things but this thing is so dry, so malnutritioned and so gross looking by all account has not been moved in a half a year as nobody in their sane mind would look at this disheveled duck and think..lucky me, it's time for diner

Take on the high speed Chinese train

When you are barreling at 300kilometers per hour with visibility of about 50 feet you are glad you are on rails but when you realize that the tracks are Chinese laid, the train is Chinese made and the smog is probably the debris of a derailment, it's a bit disconcerting. The good news is that your Chinese translator tells you that the entire rail system depends on a Chinese built computer system which is the best in the world because it is also located near his home town and the owner is very rich, you realize that we might have different definitions of "best"

But this is China and nobody expects you to be able to see out of your window so you just close the window shade, turn up the tunes and pray to the good lord to bring you back home in a single piece.

Take on the short international connection

Landing in Shanghai after a 14 hour flight is never pleasant but when you have a short connection it's just miserable

After a two hour delay at JFK, we are going to be late and with a 9:30pm connection, I'm worrried. Connection was supposed to be two and a half hours and now it's half that time. Should be OK according to the flight attendant guy who speaks no English as we should land at 8pm


8:15pm
We actually land, nothing like another 15 minute delay after the initial delay. I immediately start to frantically look online to see if I can get any advanced gate information but my service is poor and even if I did find something it doesn't matter because the pilot takes an hour to taxi to our gate happily taking the scenic route. They pull us up, down and around and under. Every time it looks like we are going to get to our gate, he changes directions. There are tons of open gates but he insists on parking in the back of the parking lot, so he can be the first out of Wally World apparently. Every second of which feels harrowing but flies by as your watch looks like it is on hyperspeed wile your plane is traveling at turtle speed

8:29pm
We finally get to the gate and some lady in front of me decides to unpack her bag in the aisle. Dude, this wasn't something you could have handled during the fourteen hours we were flying?!?? I step over her bag and she gives me a dirty look.

8:34pm
We deplane and I shove a few old Chinese ladies out of the way as I run up the ramp. One guy is driving in the fast lane on the people mover but doing it in slow motion. How about some courtesy and move over dude!!!

8:38pm
I know I have to go through immigration but before that I find a new finger print step console. WTF is this, I was here five months ago and didn't do this!! This is like the ones we have but you know they will track your every step for the next 6 days with this knowledge

8:39pm
The finger print this is sort of painless and I run with my bag, suitcase and bad back through passing Chinese kids and moms while zigzagging through crowds of people. These are the same people I passed before but they didn't have to get fingerprinted. This is just a new initiative for foreigners I guess although European Union members don't need to do this, I blame Trump.


8:40pm
I get to immigration and as always the lines are always a thousand people deep. My watch is in overdrive and my heart is beating through my chest.

8:44pm
I hate to do this but finally get through by pulling a dumb American thing where you cut past all the people with a confused look on my face and apologizing profusely.

8:52pm
I convince a security lady to get me to the front of the line, she throws me in a cue with five people in it. Should be painless

8:54pm
The dude two dudes in front of me is chatting with the immigration lady, what the hell man, she's likely married and I'm late.

8:58pm
I finally get to the front, my hands are so sweaty that the second fingerprint scan doesn't take. Why the hell are there TWO finger print steps?? Has something changed with my finger prints from 10 minutes ago. I dry them on my pants but now the little system has to reset, time is ticking

She inspects my passport, visa and yellow arrival slip like it's got a secret treasure map on it. The lady doesn't smile so I give her a 😠 face on her "how did we do" tablet.

9:01pm
I make it down the strairs, past baggage claim and onto the transfer desk and of course am met there with a tourist crowd with their matching T-shirt's and the one lady with the umbrella. There must be fifty people. These people should be afforded their own lane, maybe one with a special trip to the zoo cause can't be that bright. Nobody in their right mind takes on of those stupid tours, if you then they should lock you up or take you to the zoo.

9:04pm
I pull the dumb American thing again and push my way to the front looking confused. I'm a sweaty pig at this point so everybody is happy to stay clear. The lady at the desk looks at my reservation with a concerned look. I'm willing to buy another ticket in the spot for $1000 if I have to because she can't find my reservation. Then she does, somehow she messed up on Chinese character like we mess up the AM/PM thing in our alarm clocks. Thanks for the explanation now print out my boarding pass

9:07pm
Her machine printer is out of paper. You have to be kidding me.

9:08pm
We go to another machine, she has to look it up again and gets confused again but finally does find it and prints out the boarding pass. She does invite me to go to the lounge which would be nice if I didn't have to be on my next flight in 22 minutes.

9:09pm
I make it up the escalator which suddenly stopped working. This seems to only happen with up-escalators when you are carrying big bags by the way, it's the world' away of telling you that you are just a pawn
Anyway, enough philosophy, think I'm in the clear as in upstairs but I forget that Pudong is
one of those maze-like airports. It's like that corn mazes where you think you are almost at the end but met with another closed door. I see the domestic departure terminal but can't get trough because it's locked. Another guy who is running through the airport with me, his flight from Detroit was similarly delayed, is almost in tears. He bangs on the door and voila, it opens. They need to check our tickets again, thanks for the help.

9:10pm
I'm back running, but as soon as I make the turn I see we need to go through security. I'm already in the airport, why do I need to go through security again??

9:13pm
Of course I'm the schmuck who gets pulled. I bought a new belt which now sets off the alarm and I get a fully body search by another non-smiling Chinese woman. They find nothing on my other than a belt

9:14pm
They keep making announcements for what I think is my flight but it's hard to understand. I'm looking for gate 255 but the only ones I see are single and double digits like 4,6 and 14. I'm busting through and finally see a sign. I'm going to make it

9:17pm
I make it to the gate which is actually just a ramp to another set of escalators. These Chinese airports love levels because everything is always up or down the stairs. I do feel badly for having complained about up escalators being the ones that don't work because this case the down escalator doesn't work, either. I'm sweating through my shirt

9:18pm
I'm downstairs but find out I need to go down another level. I just went down and now I need to go down again, this place is like one of those MC Eshel puzzles

9:19pm
The line is ridiculously long but I can't tell if it for 255 or 254, nothing is written in English

9:20pm
Finally push my way to the front, last bus to the airplane and I'm on it. Poor schmucks waiting for the 254 gate look like they are delayed.

9:25pm
The fear of missing the flight is over but it is interesting to see how far the plane is parked from the terminal. It's easily a 6 minute ride. Everybody likes to get that far parking spot apparently.

9:27pm
There it is, finally my plane is in place.

9:28pm
Sit down in row 37 next to a guy who smells like he hasn't washed his ass in a week and a woman whose teeth are the color of a pineapple

9:34pm
they close the doors, start the engines and roll off...then stop and tell us we'll be delayed for an hour.

Take on the short international connection

Landing in Shanghai after a 14 hour flight is never pleasant but when you have a short connection it's just miserable

After a two hour delay at JFK, we are going to be late and with a 9:30pm connection, I'm worrried. Connection was supposed to be two and a half hours and now it's half that time. Should be OK according to the flight attendant guy who speaks no English as we should land at 8pm


8:15pm
We actually land, nothing like another 15 minute delay after the initial delay. I immediately start to frantically look online to see if I can get any advanced gate information but my service is poor and even if I did find something it doesn't matter because the pilot takes an hour to taxi to our gate happily taking the scenic route. They pull us up, down and around and under. Every time it looks like we are going to get to our gate, he changes directions. There are tons of open gates but he insists on parking in the back of the parking lot, so he can be the first out of Wally World apparently. Every second of which feels harrowing but flies by as your watch looks like it is on hyperspeed wile your plane is traveling at turtle speed

8:29pm
We finally get to the gate and some lady in front of me decides to unpack her bag in the aisle. Dude, this wasn't something you could have handled during the fourteen hours we were flying?!?? I step over her bag and she gives me a dirty look.

8:34pm
We deplane and I shove a few old Chinese ladies out of the way as I run up the ramp. One guy is driving in the fast lane on the people mover but doing it in slow motion. How about some courtesy and move over dude!!!

8:38pm
I know I have to go through immigration but before that I find a new finger print step console. WTF is this, I was here five months ago and didn't do this!! This is like the ones we have but you know they will track your every step for the next 6 days with this knowledge

8:39pm
The finger print this is sort of painless and I run with my bag, suitcase and bad back through passing Chinese kids and moms while zigzagging through crowds of people. These are the same people I passed before but they didn't have to get fingerprinted. This is just a new initiative for foreigners I guess although European Union members don't need to do this, I blame Trump.


8:40pm
I get to immigration and as always the lines are always a thousand people deep. My watch is in overdrive and my heart is beating through my chest.

8:44pm
I hate to do this but finally get through by pulling a dumb American thing where you cut past all the people with a confused look on my face and apologizing profusely.

8:52pm
I convince a security lady to get me to the front of the line, she throws me in a cue with five people in it. Should be painless

8:54pm
The dude two dudes in front of me is chatting with the immigration lady, what the hell man, she's likely married and I'm late.

8:58pm
I finally get to the front, my hands are so sweaty that the second fingerprint scan doesn't take. Why the hell are there TWO finger print steps?? Has something changed with my finger prints from 10 minutes ago. I dry them on my pants but now the little system has to reset, time is ticking

She inspects my passport, visa and yellow arrival slip like it's got a secret treasure map on it. The lady doesn't smile so I give her a 😠 face on her "how did we do" tablet.

9:01pm
I make it down the strairs, past baggage claim and onto the transfer desk and of course am met there with a tourist crowd with their matching T-shirt's and the one lady with the umbrella. There must be fifty people. These people should be afforded their own lane, maybe one with a special trip to the zoo cause can't be that bright. Nobody in their right mind takes on of those stupid tours, if you then they should lock you up or take you to the zoo.

9:04pm
I pull the dumb American thing again and push my way to the front looking confused. I'm a sweaty pig at this point so everybody is happy to stay clear. The lady at the desk looks at my reservation with a concerned look. I'm willing to buy another ticket in the spot for $1000 if I have to because she can't find my reservation. Then she does, somehow she messed up on Chinese character like we mess up the AM/PM thing in our alarm clocks. Thanks for the explanation now print out my boarding pass

9:07pm
Her machine printer is out of paper. You have to be kidding me.

9:08pm
We go to another machine, she has to look it up again and gets confused again but finally does find it and prints out the boarding pass. She does invite me to go to the lounge which would be nice if I didn't have to be on my next flight in 22 minutes.

9:09pm
I make it up the escalator which suddenly stopped working. This seems to only happen with up-escalators when you are carrying big bags by the way, it's the world' away of telling you that you are just a pawn
Anyway, enough philosophy, think I'm in the clear as in upstairs but I forget that Pudong is
one of those maze-like airports. It's like that corn mazes where you think you are almost at the end but met with another closed door. I see the domestic departure terminal but can't get trough because it's locked. Another guy who is running through the airport with me, his flight from Detroit was similarly delayed, is almost in tears. He bangs on the door and voila, it opens. They need to check our tickets again, thanks for the help.

9:10pm
I'm back running, but as soon as I make the turn I see we need to go through security. I'm already in the airport, why do I need to go through security again??

9:13pm
Of course I'm the schmuck who gets pulled. I bought a new belt which now sets off the alarm and I get a fully body search by another non-smiling Chinese woman. They find nothing on my other than a belt

9:14pm
They keep making announcements for what I think is my flight but it's hard to understand. I'm looking for gate 255 but the only ones I see are single and double digits like 4,6 and 14. I'm busting through and finally see a sign. I'm going to make it

9:17pm
I make it to the gate which is actually just a ramp to another set of escalators. These Chinese airports love levels because everything is always up or down the stairs. I do feel badly for having complained about up escalators being the ones that don't work because this case the down escalator doesn't work, either. I'm sweating through my shirt

9:18pm
I'm downstairs but find out I need to go down another level. I just went down and now I need to go down again, this place is like one of those MC Eshel puzzles

9:19pm
The line is ridiculously long but I can't tell if it for 255 or 254, nothing is written in English

9:20pm
Finally push my way to the front, last bus to the airplane and I'm on it. Poor schmucks waiting for the 254 gate look like they are delayed.

9:25pm
The fear of missing the flight is over but it is interesting to see how far the plane is parked from the terminal. It's easily a 6 minute ride. Everybody likes to get that far parking spot apparently.

9:27pm
There it is, finally my plane is in place.

9:28pm
Sit down in row 37 next to a guy who smells like he hasn't washed his ass in a week and a woman whose teeth are the color of a pineapple

9:34pm
they close the doors, start the engines and roll off...then stop and tell us we'll be delayed for an hour.

Take on the airport experience.

There really is no better example of US overreaching power structure than the TSA. As Trump has made bring a rude dick acceptable, his cronies in the TSA have followed their leader. The entire process has gone from unpleasant to annoying to downright degrading. These little Napoleons are all about showing the average schmo that they are the boss and carry the big stick, so the last thing most tourists who just spent thousands of dollars in our country will remember is how big a handjob the guy who scanned their bag was. They are obnoxious but when you see them pull out breastmilk from a new mom guy it's time to call it out for what it is...a power trip for these glorified mall cops. It's not about safety or security anymore, it's just a bunch of guys getting their jollies by being bullies.

Nothing makes a tourist want to leave more than that. Maybe that is Trump's grand idea.

Take on missed connections

Bob Mueller and Little Don we're both on the same shuttle flight from Reagan to NYC today and we're caught in a sort of awkward photo.
The first thought was, Bob Mueller is about as cool a cat as you can get, he's chilling reading his paper, no tie and thinking about a weekend up with his grandkids. And there, over his shoulder stands a man with a stupid camouflage hat and his big belly protruding out of his polo. talking on his cell phone which is probably being tapped by....Bob Mueller.
There is also some kind of secret service looking dude next to Little Don which is interesting because Bob doesn't need anybody cause nobody is messing with him. The photo also has some dude who could be a gate agent standing to jr's left. Then there is the other guy sitting down facing the camera, that dude is pissing his pants hoping Berretta Bob doesn't get a hold of his laptop.

But the tableau of Little Don and Big Bad Bob is too good to pass up. One man will bring the other to his knees but before that happens, I hope they got seats 1A and 1B today.

Take on Melania’s hatred for Donald

There is nothing I like more than some good old trolling and CNN's tweet to Melania gets a 10!!! Trump apparently threw a grown man temper tantrum last week when he caught Melania watching CNN on AirForceOne which was followed up by her people saying she will watch whatever she wants whenever she wants. But what was even better was another article with a throw-away line about some TIVO type device the president and First Lady got for their separate rooms on their most recent trip to Europe to allow them to watch their favorite shows.
What was great about this was that it again emphasized that they sleep in separate beds like they are the bizarro Leave it to Beaver parents. You just know it has to kill Trump to have it be known around the world that his model wife has no interest in sharing a bed with him

I'm rooting hard for a POTUS v FLOTUS divorce while he's in office. It would make the SuperBowl seem like an afterthought in terms of must-watch-TV and the hate tweeting they would come from Trump would be epic
He could finally be able to truthfully tell the world that he bested Obama as it would destroy the ratings of anything Obama would ever be able to do.

Take on CNFnN

Freedom of the press has been redefined by this administration as freedom (for them) from the press. I can't believe that the American public is allowing this because the sham that is Sarah Big Huck Sanders and the entire communication department is treasonous. We have a White House which now bans CNN from it's press events. Not some fringe neo-nazi website or some liberal commie paper, this is CNFnN. There is nothing even slightly intimating about these guys. Wolf Blitzen, Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper, the weird English guy who talks about traveling, these guys couldn't bear a bunch of under 10 girls in table tennis

Take on the Trump Tapes

We've alway assumed that the tapes that would eventually sink Trump were the kind that were covered in urine but it might be the ones between two guys covered in bullshit that might eventually take down a president
Remember how people would always try to knock Obama for some lane casual conversation or association? Remember how the evangelicals and religious right came out for Trump? Remember how they tried to tear down Obama?
Obama was about as lame as it gets, he never seemed to have cheated, degraded women, had any history of assault, didn't drink much, never had a coke habit where he wrapped his car around a tree, never played grab-ass with people hoping to pose for a photo and was lucid the entire time he was president. In other words, he was completely different than every other president of my lifetime. Yeah, let's tear that guy down for wanting to give people healthcare and prop up the guy who is covered in Russian hooker piss

Take on the Putin Puppet

Trump is so obviously a Putin puppet at this point that the "puppet no puppet" meme is not even remotely funny to watch. During his Helsinki meeting apparat our dear leader decided to give up any remaining hope of having a say in the Middle East Shen he allowed Vlad and Bibi divide up the Middle East like two kids playing Risk - or two Europeans cutting up the Ottoman Empire.

But that got me to thinking, how sometimes Russia is referee to as European, when in fact they really are not. They are Asian or better yet it's own breed but I never got the European thing for them. Anyway, Trump is now an asset and we're all less safe because of it.

Take on the New Old Hoax

Trump can't stay on script for more than a day, give him something to read and he'll do it begrudgingly (and badly) but allow him time to himself and he'll inevitably fall back to his theories. See Trump can't allow the idea of interference break through his consciousness because it would start to show the cracks in the foundation of his greatest achievement and his fragile ego won't be able to stand it. He's been back and forth on this a hundred times -well more forth than back- and this week, and today specifically, was no different.

Last week Sarah "Big Huck" Sanders tried to show three occasions where Trump acknowledged the findings of the intelligence community on Russian interference but of course left out the hundreds of times he called it a hoax. Even in his speech last week, he couldn't help but try to throw out a couple of lines about it possibly being other people.

He's a fragile man child, the quicker we take away his toys, the better off we all are

Take on Dan Coats

Trump called Dan Coates to the mat this week after the Intel Chief had an eye-roll moment after being told of breaking news that Trump and Putin were planning a sleepover party at the White House. You can't blame Coats for thinking this was an incredibly bad idea because forget about the wolf guarding the hen-house, the wolf was not inside the hen house. The Coats reaction wasn't shocking because people can't hide their surprise on their face when confronted by abject stupidity -or blatant treason. I'm not surprised that he publicly reversed course and groveled to Trump today as there was likely not much else he thought he could do to keep his cushy job.

The thing is, Trump doesn't respect Coats to start off with, so this won't help the situation either way and actually makes Coats look more spineless than he even looked before, so not quite sure if this was a good career move.

Take on the Roger Stone connection

Roger Stone getting caught deeper into the Mueller fishnet by a connection to the Manhattan Madam is the most Roger Stone thing you could ever imagine. Not only is he a treasonous weasel he likely arranged prostitutes through the Madam for either himself or for some of his rich orange friends and now that Berretta Bob has his sights on Stone, he's gonna grab him like Don grabs a pussy

I just have to hope that they throw Stone into Cell Block and pair him with the horniest meathead they can find and hopefully drop ten viagras in his soup before sending him off to sleep

Take on Trevor Noah

Trevor Noah made his first big splash since taking over for Jon Stewart and we loved it. I watched the Daily Show religiously before and now I watch it like I celebrate religion.
But today it peeked my interest when that mini controversy erupted. The French Embassy sent an official letter to the Daily Show to complain about it and proved again why the French gave the worse sense of humor amongst all of the Europeans which is like calling them the shortest midget or the stinkiest European.

It's a comedy show, it's entire premise is to make fun of everything, it's a black guy making a joke about black people. These are all acceptable even in a pre-Trump world

Do yourself a favor Gerard, turn the TV off and kick yourself in your uncut, unwashed, sheltered French dick

Take on rubber boots on a grown man

I don't comment often about men's shoes because, frankly, who cares but when I saw a dude in dress pants wearing rubber rain boots yesterday I was appalled. He isn't a five year old bog, we certainly weren't fly fishing and we weren't digging through a septic tank, so there isn't any good reason for a grown man to wear rubber boots. Maybe if your basement gets flooded it can be a half way acceptable thing but not on your way on the 166 bus on a work day

Take on Trump the midget giant

The world watches as our Dear Leader sold out our country to a man who likely has video of him getting pissed on by hookers. Today he tried to walk back his comments with the old "I meant would when I said wouldn't" which is as believable as saying that he's not compromised by Putin at this point.
But what really got to me was how Andre the Giant weird looking Trump is next to Putin. He's got this gigantic head, these weirdly fitting suits and these eyes like he just snorted a line of coke off of a Finnish hooker's ass. He also has these weird shoulders which slope like a Helsinki roof and of course his complexion always makes him look like he contracted some weird face STD.

Glad that we decided this was the guy we want representing our country on a world stage.

Take on Hell we know he is Kinky

Lindsey Graham will go down as a complicit traitor when all is set and done but he was dead right when he suggested checking that soccer ball that Putin gave to Trump for listening devices. The Helsinki summit went as badly as anybody feared and Hillary's tweet asking Donnie which team he plays for is ringing truer than ever. We all know that the Russians interfered and just that knowledge is what crumbles the one thing that Trump has hung his hat on, his "decisive" electoral victory. Even if there wasn't a single vote flipped or a singled ballot miscounted, you just know his ego can't take the slightest hit and every day we are starting to see the foundation of his presidency crack just a bit more and when it finally collapses upon itself, we should be allowed to shove the big orang oaf out of the White House and directly into federal prison

Take on the umbrella

The WorldCup offered a month of excitement, a lot of heartbreak and one memorable photo. This wasn't a photo of Cristiano Ronaldo or Messi but instead of Vladimir Putin with annum fella over his head while the other two heads of state stand in the pouring rain. Of course this is Russia and nobody would expect any less abut the tableau was perfect for a man who has controlled every part of Russian life for a lifetime. If he had gotten a single drop of rain on his coat, somebody was getting cyanide in their corn flakes tomorrow morning like so many other dissidents, journalists and people accused of not bowing down to his every wish.

And tomorrow our president will pay his respects to him and likely bow down to our new communist overlord

Take on Elon Musk’s big reveal

When Elon Musk was revealed as a top donor to a GOP PAC we were shocked for thirty seconds. This was the man who has said Climate Change is the biggest threat to humanity and here he is supporting a group of people some of whom are dumb enough to believe that man lived at the same time as the Brontosaurus.
Then I shook myself back to reality and realized that rich people love staying rich. He might be the CEO of a company who is trying to get off of traditional fossil fuels which certainly sounds like a position of the left, he is also the CEO of SpaceX, and we're sure he'd like to make sure there is tons of support for his -government funded- trips to outer space. For this he needs support across the aisles.

He'd also like massive support for infrastructure building like his super tube which goes both way and if he wants to swing right all manufacturing -including electric cars- likes deregulation. But mostly, he loves keeping more of his money and surely believes that the GOP is his way of keeping more of it and giving it to his heirs when and if he has any.
But at the end of the day, I'm sure he follows the Trump model and donated to both parties because that's the way rich guys play. Keep both parties happy, so when you need to call in a favor, they are taking your call.

So although we all had this impression that Musk was some liberal hero, he has in fact been exactly like a lot of rich guys.

Take on Rudy’s weird arm cross

The thrice divorced man once knows as America's Mayor has lost all his credibility in his days since 9/11.   All the goodwill he built up after that day seems to have vanished as quickly as his hairline and now as the face to Trump's legal team he continues to embarrass himself including his tweet from today

	Mayor Rudy Giuliani (@RudyGiuliani)
7/13/18, 12:44 AM Peter Strzok's testimony was a disgrace. It taints the entire Mueller witchunt. President Trump is being investigated by people who possess pathological hatred for him. All the results of the investigation are "fruit of the poison tree" and should be dismissed.

But the thing that kills me most about Rudy is that when you see him, he always has his arms crossed in this way which makes it very obvious he has incredibly short arms or man-boobs, or both.   It's so odd, his arms are so high over his body, he almost looks like he's getting smothered by his own triple chin.  

By the way, I think it's witch hunt not witchunt. 

Sent from my iPhone

Take on the Stormy Daniels arrest

Stormy Daniels was arrested yesterday for illegally touching an officer which is odd considering most of the time trashy Buckeyes are the ones illegally touching strippers. The arrest stemmed from Stormy slapping her cans into the faces of three undercover cops who were likely sent on a Trump lead mission to try to defame and hurt the credibility of the former porn star. I have to slap myself in the face sometimes to remind myself that the best chance we may have to keep world peace is if a porn start is willing to go all in and testify against a sitting president. This is the next chance we have as a civilization from total collapse, let that sink in.

Take on John Kelly’s hatred of pastries

The WhiteHouse loves to send out messages trying destroy their own. It was leaked that when they fired Sexy Rexy Tillerson, he was sitting on the can at the time. Bannon was called a poorly dressed, ketchup on his outer shirt fat imbecile on the way out and now they are saying that John Kelly looked displeased because the breakfast at the NATO meeting only had pastries and cheese and he apparently needs a Bob's Big Boy Four eggs, sausage, bacon and five cheeses all stuffed into a donut. John Kelly is no hero as he's stood by and watched Trump abuse his roll and taken the country down with him and has done nothing to stop him but he is also a soldier who served our country for forty years, something tells me that getting served a danish is not something that would disturb him.

Take on the failed Supreme Court nomination process

Something always felt off with the Anthony Kennedy retirement. Maybe it was the fact he put the balance of the court in the hands of the most corrupt president of my lifetime -who by the way is personal friends with his son and has made a ton of money off of Trump- or maybe it was the fact that there was likely behind he scenes wheeling and dealing. Well now we are starting to pull back the layers of the onion and like most things Trump, it stinks.
Sources are now telling NBC that Justice Kennedy personally negotiated his retirement with Trump which is why his former law clerk now will likely sit on the bench. This is the kind of thing that threw Rod Blagojevich in jail as a public position should never be open for negotiation

I've decided that having judges sit on the court for a lifetime is the kind of thing our forefathers got wrong. Nobody should be above the law of the land and holding positions till death leaves to tilts in the balance based only on the current administration which seems about as arbitrary as anything (especially when you consider the McConnell rule which doesn't allow for a nominee to get a hearing within a year of a presidential election)

I believe we should have them serve terms 18 year terms which would mean that each president gets two justices per four years.

Take on Brett Kavanaugh.

We waited all day for Trump to hand out his red rose and finally he decided Brett Kavanaugh. I don't know anything about this guy other than Rachel Maddie telling me he is the devil personified. Trump appears to have liked the fact he has an Ivy League Education but for a guy who is all about appearance he can't be happy with the fact his guy looks like a middle school nerd with his terrible haircut and acne covered face. Trump ripped Spicer a new five hole for showing up looking like he got dressed in his dad's closet, so Kavanaugh can't be much better and Trump will likely be unhappy with his own decision the second this guy is caught picking his nose on TV.

Plus, he sounds like he might be related to Chuck Knoblauch, so you know he can't handle any real pressure

Take on the red hat.

Every time I see a guy wearing a red hat I think to myself the guy just either be a complete moron or a racist fool, or both. Trump has done a lot of damage but none more than for the red baseball cap, I saw some guy walking down the street the other day wearing a red hat and I immediately assumed he was a total shitbag. Then I got past him, I noticed it was a Jimmy Fund hat or something else very admirable but I knew immediately that I'd never be dumb enough to wear it, lest somebody confused me for a a Trump supporter. In convinced people wearing a red hat now are just closet Trump fans who want to hide behind their Jimmy Fund goodwill to actually spew their hatred to the rest of the world

JayZ said he made the Yankee cap more famous than Babe Ruth which is a ridiculous concept but Trump might actually have made the red cap more infamous than anybody including the guy from Limp Bizkit.

Take on the TrumpSwab

Living in 2018 should have changed everybody but one man seems very content pretending it's still 1986. Trump made a comment about Elizabeth Warren and her heritage which does play well with his base and then challenged her to take a genetic test to prove she's not actually a Native American. But the odd thing is he said we'd have to do it carefully because of the MeToo movement. What I'm struggling to understand is whether he thinks this is a vaginal swab or something. I've never done one but figure you stick it in your cheek or something but when you take a TrumpTest you apparently have to bend all the way over so Donnie can listen into your seashell for the waves in the ocean
But then again nobody has ever accused him of being all that bright.

Take on Lead from Behind Marco

Obama often got criticized for his "leading from behind" foreign policy doctrine but there really is no bigger weasel than Marco Rubio. Today was yet another example of Rubio coming down hard on a policy he stayed mostly mum on after Scott Pruitt was forced to resign. This is typical Marco, say absolutely nothing until it's abundantly clear which way the political winds are blowing

This guy has about as much leadership as a bottle of Poland Spring and the intelligence of a paper weight

Take on Scott Pruitt

The resignation letter that Scott Pruitt wrote to Trump reads like a love note between two jilted lovers who happen to also be devout Christians....or at least like to give the appearance of such.
Scott Pruitt might go down as the most corrupt person to have ever held a political office which is challenging considering the competition. He was a shitbag while leading Oklahoma but got to take his off-off Broadway okay to the big city and cash in big time. Sadly for Old Scott, his tenure was shortened and for once not because he couldn't keep his pants on (as far as we know) but because he refused to take his wallet out of them

His last paragraph about the sadness of not being able to service the president any longer really does read like some Chelsea level NYAC sauna porn

Take on Trump’s new hairdo

Trump always talks about his great hair which everybody in the world agrees looks horrible but his most recent video shows this new do and it may look worse. This new weave he's got going is a cross between Dan Rather and Sting. I'm not sure sure what the idea behind it is but he somehow looks older and Ira even more obvious that these aren't his actual locks

Happy 4th you miserable wench

Take on the ghostwriter

The irony of Trump tweeting that he has written many best selling books in defense of his grammatical ineptitude is that he tweet was likely ghostwritten for him. You just know his handlers have been saving this last one for a while and released it two minutes after he posted yet another typo riddled tweet where he misspelled disgrace.

The telltale signs that this "best selling books" tweet was not an original Trump Tweet

- no typos or misspellings
- was sent within minutes of another one, his stubby fingers don't think that fast
- there were no weird capitalization or punctuations even though "he" specifically mentioned why "he" capitalizes things.
- only one exclamation mark

Take on the heat

We interrupt our daily attack on our country's well being to comment on the fact that it is 1000 degrees and humid in NYC which means the entire place reeks of homeless pee. Nothing is worse than the stagnant air in the city on a humid July day. The heat from the subway crawls into your toes, the heat from the atmosphere engulfs you and the heat from all the other sweaty people creates a fog of the worst odors of humanity and the only relief you can hope to get is to get the hell out of the city.

We need to stop working in July if for no other reason that there is no possible way to ask 8 million people to put on deodorant

I hate NYC in the summer

Take on the FART act

Trump's policies stink and now we have one whose name stinks right with him
Axios published a leaked the United States Fair and Reciprocal Tariff Act or FART act. This will allow the US to eat a bunch of beans and basically blow up the WTO at will which when you have a lot of hot air in your country's gigantic Ahole, it is not good news. Trump will likely sign it under the pretense that many other countries are taking us for granted and taxing us to high heaven. Of course Trump is a moron and doesn't so much as read the label on his toothpaste tube, so asking him to have any idea about the macro effects of a trade war is asking too much. But forget a nuanced knowledge, he doesn't so much have a basic understanding of any of it and we're all too happy to rubber neck our way to the start of a trade war.