Take on random capitalization

There is a reason we don't let seniors drive cars or make major life decisions and nothing makes that point more apparent than reading our senior in chief wrote these nonsensical tweets about god know what. Today he went off on a capitalization mad tweet rage where he was basically asking his followers to scream a word every time it came up in his demented sentence like a kindergarten sing along

Because NEVER should you ALWAYS stick your little dinkie in a WALL made of concrete and ALWAYS know that Trump is a crazy look who should NEVER have been made president let alone manager of a record store called the WALL

Take on time traveller Trump

There really isn't tweet for everything and you sometimes wonder if Trump is just clowning all of us when we use his own commentary to discuss him. I'm now of the opinion that Trump did do some time traveling and was able to change to use it to change the space-time continuum and now is basically trying to see how far he can push it before they send him out in a straitjacket (or handcuffs) because this can't actually be real
He must be playing all of us because nobody can be this callous, this heartless, this over opinionated without being in on the joke. It's like watching Michael Scott and thinking that there is actually a boss like that roaming some office park in the middle of Pennsylvania.

Take on Win Jill Stein’s money

There are few people who I despise more than Jill Stein, one of the people most responsible for all that is wrong with the current state of country. Whether she was a knowing pawn of Putin or an unwitting one is sort of irrelevant because there is nothing "American" about her as she's a half a potato away from a Trump Russian salad.

Looking at the situation and the fact she was at that dinner with Vlad and Flynn in Moscow is all you need to know. She's an asset and the Kremlin has her wrapped around their finger probably with the compromised fear of them exposing sexual history, her financial misdeeds or something else but you know something because why else ever walk around with a haircut that bad without somebody leaning on you pretty hard.   Either way anybody dumb enough to donate a penny to her recount campaign should be stripped off their passport and deported to Mexico.

Take on the nude selfie

The most distrusting events of the last few days rent the roller coaster stock market, the Asian invasion or Trump using stationed troops as a political ploy.   That honor would go to the reveal this week of something much worse. 

The lawsuit starts innocent enough as described by @bradheath

Lawyers for a Russian company charged over election complain that "the Special Counsel has made up a crime that has never been prosecuted before in the history of the United States, and now seeks to make up secret procedures for communicating ex parte to the court

But ends with this whopper

Also, apparently, among the millions of pages of records Mueller's has collected on Russian election interference is a "nude selfie."

The lawsuit alleges that if this selfie became public it would harm national security which begs the questions...which person in Trump's orbit could it be??

If it's Melania, Kim Guilfoyle or Ivanka that wouldn't be too tough on the eyes but let's just hope it isn't one of these

Trump

Christie

Giuliani

Pompeo 

Newt

The most likely one is Eric but I'd guess the one that eventually becomes revealed of his has him with this balls stuck in a vice 

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Take on the blue explosion

That crazy neighbor with the big CB tower and the unkempt yard might be on to something. I saw all the videos of the blue lights flashing over NYC which seemed to start with a bang and ended just as suddenly has been explains away as a transformer explosion

We heard the following from an expert in the energy field

" Whether the failure comes from corroded insulation or a lightning strike, the result can be spectacular. Overcharged or worn wiring creates heat and a spark, enough to ignite the mineral oil keeping the transformer cooled. When the mineral oil begins to burn, it creates a massive overpressure inside the sealed transformer, eventually causing the vessel to rupture with a loud bang and shower of sparks and flame. Due to the materials involved, the flash is frequently bluish-green in color, and can be seen at night from a very long distance."

See this is what the government wants you to believe but we at TOR have been busy at work on our own investigation and explanations like the one above are exactly what they would tell you if there was some supernatural occurrence. No way would they be telling you the truth instead keeping you as much in the dark -or the blue light- as possible

As the fact come out it will become very apparent that this was not some weird ConEd thing but an alien invasion, our own version of Roswell.

The good news is that my buddy Jimmy the Chin is up in Harlem with his big brother in to with their proton packs on ready to take on all alien life forms (and deadbeat tenants), Kenny Conway is protecting the western banks of the Hudson and RA Sicko is covering the lower Western Banks. The GForce have the northern valley covered and will ring the air siren at the first signs. The Brooklyn front is unmanned at the present time but there are some reinforcements out on Long Island

Luckily there is backup in the form of a guy watching wrestling in his underwear out near Disneyland. So if all else fails -which it likely will- we have this guy coming to our rescue

Take on crappy Netflix

I spent the day after Christmas hoping to lounge out, put together a few toys, spend some time cleaning the basement and maybe watching a classic movie with the kids on Netflix.  The toy put together thing took hours longer than expected and after two hours of cleaning up the basement it didn't look any better but still I had my Netflix session to look forward to.   That was until I actually clicked on the app and noticed how much garbage they have.  I cannot tell you how many movies I scrolled to on the left side to only find out that although the movie I was looking for did appear on their list they didn't actually have it.  They didn't have Karate Kid but did have Kung Fu Panda II and recommended some crappy basketball movie with Kevin Durant which looked like a shittier version of SpaceJam 

They don't have Raiders of the Lost Ark but luckily they have Raiders of the Lost Art or something called Raiders! which I assume is about the time Al Davis met Jeb Bush.   

If neither of those were interesting, I could also choose something called National Treasure which is looks god awful.  

If that doesn't float your boat, they did recommend a Netflix original like Fuller House or Dumplin' which looks like 90210 meets Friends

Is this what streaming has come to?  I need to get back onto normal cable and get a blockbuster account because this freaking sucks 

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Take on the Christmas Day meltdown

I wonder if Abe is going to send Trump a Christmas casserole this year? The Nikkei index slumped 5% on Christmas Day amidst fears of a global slowdown and uncertainty in the world's largest economy. Trump's erratic behavior and terrible trade policy followed by Mnuchin's impromptu call from the beach to the heads of the biggest banks lead to a sharp sell off on Wall Street on Monday which was directly followed by a total meltdown in Japan. If it wasn't for the fact that most people were concerned about getting to Aunt Joanie's house or making sure the asparagus wasn't over cooked, it could have been worse here too, but instead Trump decided to dump it right into our laps of one of our great allies. Can't wait to see what 9:30AM tomorrow brings.

Thanks Dump, Merry Christmas to you and the rest of the haters and losers (in your cabinet)

Take on the least decent person alive

Forget asking if Trump can ever be a good president should be replaced with can Trump even be a decent person.
He's such an mindless goon that he doesn't even realize how wildly out of touch he can be and nothing better exemplifies that then his phone call with a seven year old where he asks if they still believe in Santa.
When he tweeted that he was sitting alone at the White House because the democrats wouldn't give him his stupid wall it seemed like it was just foreshadowing of him sitting alone in a single room as he complains how democrats put him behind those cinderblock walls

Take on having no intellectual curiosity

Trump is fuming about everything and anything but like he usually does, he doesn't have the guts to do most of it himself. He made Mike Pompey tell Mattis to clean out his desk a full two months after Mattis had planned to leave and then had Mnuchin fall the bankers to try to reassure them. The problem is that when you try to reassure the market it actually spooks it. But that wasn't even the dumbest thing he did this week.
But the beauty is that Trump was too dumb to realize how forceful Mattis' resignation really was. Our working theory is that it was too long and Trump wasn't going to read the thing and not till he got the cliffs notes did he understand how scathing it really was.

But I do love that Mnuchin is our on the beach in Mexico with his horrid wife probably hanging on the naked people beach while Fat Trump is seething in the white house

Take on the coyotes

Here I thought the entire wall and subsequent shutdown was to prevent rapists and murders and drug lords and gang-bangers from pouring over the border but in fact this is just a glorified yard fence to keep our wildlife. Trump yesterday spoke about the need for the wall in order to keep out coyotes which as anybody who has a fenced yard knows, is not really that effective anyway and begs the question what gives Trump the right to keep me out and to keep Mother Nature in?

But you are telling me now that not only is Mexico not paying for this thing, we're going to have a bunch of scrubby looking dogs mocking us over it. They are going to be digging holes under that stupid thing, eating out chickens and then peeing all over the US side before returning to Mexico fat and juicy.

Take on the worst week ever

Mueller better get his game on and give us the Christmas morning surprise we've been waiting for. With Ruth Bader Ginsberg showing how fragile she is, it's time to get this Mueller show on the road and take our Don and Mike in one swift move but they will need to wait until the new Congress gets sworn in.
This week has been on of Trump's worst..the market is tanking, he can't get out of his own way with this stupid wall, the government is 6 hours from shutting down, the judge didn't buy his Flynn argument, the Supreme Court upheld the ruling against his stupid travel ban, his foundation got shit down and he and his adult children may never be able to sit on another non profit board again. Mattis resigned with a scathingly resignation letter over Trump's idiotic Syrian decision. and we still have a day to go this week

So please Mueller, you need to do this to save the Union. We can't wait much longer




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Take on the new mission accomplished

Wait a second. Yesterday I was told that we defeated ISIS and today the president tells me that the fight will continue but we're pulling a Saigon helicopter evacuation??
Trump told us that we had won, he hung the mission accomplished banner on the an aircraft carrier and now this?? I'm not one for endless wars but when neither your national security team or the pentagon seems have any idea why you are doing what you are doing, questions need to be asked

Putin said today that he thinks the decision of the US to pull out of Syria was the right decision....that is all you need to know. Assad is cracking open a bottle of champagne as we speak

Thanks Trump

Take on the pervert priests

When I was a kid, it was sort of a joke that you shouldn't find yourself alone with a priests as you may get molested but never could I have imagined how rampant a problem it really was. What is shocking is that if a non religious kid in New Jersey, knew that this was an issue, while the Vatican ignored -or worse yet- abetted it.

I wonder if there is anybody keeping track how many of these pervert priests have come through the diocese but I have to imagine the number is infinitely larger than anybody in the greater public ever guessed. Today, Illinois announced 500 more than they had previously disclosed, I'm not sure how many total Illinois priests that makes but how many total priests are there in a state like Illinois anyway??

What is crazy to me is that the priesthood was apparently attracting a certain type at a much higher rate than any other profession. If you ran a business and you had four consecutive candidate who stole from you, you'd likely change your recruiting company. It the Catholic Church gave the equivalent of that recruiting agent a raise. What is maddening is that although I was aware of it as a problem the Catholic Church didn't try to rectify this by weeding their candidates in their recruiting system but instead decided to double down and basically place an ad in the Village Voice for perverts. They also turned a blind eye or covered up countless molestations and if other rape and assault statistics hold true here, there are likely tenfold the total amount so far reported.

Think about Illinois, I bet you couldn't find this many kid touchers in a city of 8 million people but you'd be hard pressed to not run into one the second you walk into a church.

Take on the Huck pretzel

Big Huck got herself into a pretzel today when she told reporters that Trump won't be looking for tax payer money to pay for his wall but instead would be looking for revenue from other government agencies...which would be funded by tax payer money. This is the problem with saying that Mexico was going to pay for it and that not coming through, if you tell me that we're going out for drinks and your buddy Jose is picking up the tab but when it comes down to paying it and Jose is having a siesta and your buddy had to leave and now Joe then bartender wants to be paid for those six Coronas and four Long Island Iced Teas, you are the schmuck stuck paying for it. If you then tell yourself that you are going to use your wife's credit card, if doesn't exactly work as anything other than slight of hand

But anyway, Big Huck probably likes to get herself twisted in a pretzel especially one that is covered in cheese wiz

Take on the biggest loser.

Imagine being at the White House and running into the other former governor who basically got run out  of his state by an electorate who hated everything about you and memorializing it in a selfie.   Scott Walker has this weird eye thing which coming from a guy with a weird eyed thingy, is very distracting and likely the reason his career never got out of state priding itself on cheese.   One of his eye sockets sits like 1/2 inch higher in his head than the other, like he's a fatter balder version of Shannon Doherty. 
But when he stands next to Christie he looks sort of normal, mostly because Big Chris has BBQ sauce on his tie and a cheesedoodle in his jacket pocket. 

But then you realize that Christie is just a gigantic blowhard.  Just look how the two of them memorized their Christmas party meeting

Slouchy Scott "Hanging out with my pal Chris Christie at the White House!"

But Christie couldn't possibly reciprocate with a similar nicety, he had to shove his gigantic ass into Scott's lopsided face in Christie's typical self aggrandizing way.  

Big Chris "Great to be with my friend @ScottWalker tonight at the White House Christmas party. I enjoyed campaigning for Scott in 2010, 2012 and, as RGA Chairman, in 2014. He is a strong leader and helped many Wisconsin citizens get back to work in his 8 yrs as Governor. Merry Xmas!"

Enjoy the second helping of ham, Chris, hope Scott squirts some cheese wiz on it for huh. 

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Take on Rick the little Dick Santorum

Rick Santorum doesn't want anybody to see the photo of him looking like a child molester with Maria Butina. Sadly his desire probably has nothing to do with the fact he looks like he trying to jump her leg with his terrible combover and his three sizes too big suit. See Rick Santorum has made a career of being a god fearing American when in fact he was likely banging (male) prostitutes and spying on our country for Mother Russia while defending the sexual escapades of one Donald J Trump. This guy has run for President and somehow thought he'd win but because he's a low rent weirdo, nobody ever took him seriously and nobody does to this day
So Rick, don't worry about the photo, you're going to be remembered like a pimple on lady liberty's ass by the time this administration is done

Take on the overpriced meters

New York City must have some of the most ridiculous parking meter situations.  Not only are the signs completely impossible to follow, when you do get a spot the meters have the most ridiculous rates.  Not only are they expensive, they actually get more expensive the loner you stay.  

Tonight at 24th and Madison, the price was $4.50 for an hour and $12 for two which makes no sense. 

There is nothing in the world where buying more of something increases the unit price but I guess when something is a valuable as NYC street parking you can do just about anything.    The real craziness is that although I paid $12 to pay for two hours it seemed like a good deal.  For reference I pay $18 to park for 10 hours in midtown during the workweek day.  

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Take on Big Chris’ stepping out.

When you lose Big Chris..maybe it's time to call it quits. Trump was apparently trying to woo Christie to the White House and for the first time in the last few years, Christie had some dignity. After sitting on the beach during the New Jersey shutdown, after standing behind Trump like a hostage victim after his endorsement and after the indignity of Trump telling him that he can't have a second dessert, he finally grabbed his sack. Well his sack must be hard to reach since he has that gigantic bunt but we mean it figuratively.

Anyway, tells you something that a guy as desperate for relevance as Big Chris turns this job down claiming it's the wrong time for his family. Interesting since his wife is retired, his kids are out of the house and he literally ran for president a couple of years ago. Even Chris sees the writing on the wall and he's not one who can survive on water and bread in the Clink.

Take on Melania’s crappy hairdo

Melania went on State Television to complain about god-knows-what as her approval ratings plummeted over the last few weeks. You have to be some kind of lunatic First Lady to have bad approval ratings as generally all you do is host parties and run some lame Be Best type program

People have said it's because she's a Trump and one by choice but personally I think it's because her new haircut sucks

Take on the Michael Cohen sketch.

I'm no fan of Michael Cohen and also completely aware of how much stress he must be under. Add to that how terrible the courtroom sketch artists are but even I must admit that his sketch made him look like Donald Trump was literally bulging out from behind his face. He's not a good looking man but this drawing made him look draconian and easily 20 years older than he actually is. If this court room sketch was the crime scene sketch, Cohen would be waking scot-free for the rest of his life. Sadly the government knew who he was because, well, he's an opportunist and is a hog for the camera

If I were him I'd sue that sketch artist for defamation of character.

Take on the white house powwow

The three ring circus made it to the Oval Office today and everybody's commentary was about Mike Pence pulling a Weekend at Bernie's but I think the rest of the tableau is just as telling

Obviously Pence couldn't be bothered by any of this, as he's just hoping to come out of this hell somewhat unscathed..or he was on some serious quaaludes.   Trump has his "I'm trying to convince you by using forceful body language"'thing going.   Chuck decided he was better off not making any eye contact like some kind of total psychopath.  Nancy on the other hand played it sort of cool and by cool I mean, unlike her counterparts she didn't come across as a total drugged up lunatic.  

Add Mitch McConnell and the top GOP guy in the House whose name escapes me but I'm sure he's very white and very evangelical and you think..this is the best we can come up with.   Four old white dudes and one old white chick who are about as connected to the common folk as a reality TV star.  

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Take on Chris’s take out.

Like a classic American story, Big Chris might be making a comeback after his fall from grace. Granted Christie's fall was louder than most other people but the fact that he was able to get up and dust himself off is a near miracle. Christie had the double humiliation of become the most hated man in a state he loves by trying to Out Trump Trump and then having to stand like a propped up marshmallow man behind Trump as humiliation for being a fat loser who dared to speak out again Trump.

But that was then and this is now and after Ayers rejected the offer, Trump is searching high and low for a replacement for John Kelly and according to some news reports, considering Big Chris into that position. We think Chris will do fine, he's naturally combative and a bit smarter than Rudy and he certainly is loyal to the alpha dog in the room. But if Trump told him to lose 50 pounds, could be? This has to be a job criteria for him.

Take on the job nobody wants.

Nick Ayers is considered a political wunderkind who has made more money at age 34 than just about anybody who doesn't wear a baseball uniform, so you can't totally blame him for turning down $180k to babysit a sycophant with the impulse control of a toddler. Never before has a president had as much turnover as we've seen lately as he goes from why was at least in hindsight a bit of a politically diverse staff to a complete echo chamber of FoxNews personalities and family members
John Kelly is implicit in the damage Trump has done and the best thing he'll ever be able to say is that he wasn't the pilot when the plane eventually crashed into a pile of cow manure.

I'm guessing he takes Don Jr. his Chief of Staff and makes dumb Eric the head of treasury when Mnuchin resigns shortly or maybe he goes all Fox and gives the two positions to Hannity and Lou Dobbs

Take on discipline Trump

Not sure what the Boston Globe is smoking but I'd like some.  They tweeted out today that John Kelly imposes a measure of discipline on Trump.  If this has been a disciplined Trump I shudder to think what an undisciplined Trump is like.    

Every day the media takes Trump'a idiocy and tries to normalize it.   I know we have a desire to have a regular country with a normal president but hoping that things change because he has John Kelly or Rex Tillerson or Jared Kushner is nothing but hopeful thinking.   Trump is a disaster to our country and a danger to all we hold true and saying he has been disciplined implies he can be reigned in when we know that is a nothing but a pipe dream...unless we're talking about Beretta Bob

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Take on sexy rexy.

Hopefully he was sitting down when he saw it


Poor Sexy Rexy, first he gets fired while sitting on toilet and now he's getting bashed by the POTUS calling him dumb as a bag of bricks. I'm no Tillerson fan and there were stories of him getting to Asia and needing a nap instead of being able to hit the ground running but I sort of doubt the head of Exxon was able to get there by being lazy. I just think he's a fat old guy from Texas.

Anyway, hope he can now shit in peace.

Take on Donald’s funeral march

Poor Donald, he walked in and immediately every person at the Bush 41 funeral felt the need to puke. He didn't sing, he didn't go over and shake Bill or Hillary's hand and he sat there with a stupid scowl on his face

What I often wonder is that when he does pass away, his great would it be that unlike other presidential funerals which become state affairs, not one ex president shows up, each sending a note saying they were sorry they couldn't attend because they have a minor league baseball game to throw a pitch out for.

Take on simple math

Jesus our President is a moron.

We know that his grammar, spelling and general world knowledge is at a fourth grade level but I always assumed that his math was decent.

But today's tweet is a great example that he really is a moron

Since according to Trump, our country "losses" 250 billion dollars per year on illegal immigration, our president figures that the $25billion price tags for the wall pays for itself in two months

Maybe somebody should explain to him there are twelve months in a year

Will this go down as his potatoe moment, his 52 states moment or just another embarrassment in the longest two years of the presidency??

Take on the Apprentice snub

Our president feels he should get the Nobel Peace Prize which I'm sure he deserves for badly putting out a crisis that he started. Of course the only vote he'd get is the one he's get from Eric "Beavis" Trump who will assume you vote by sending in a cereal box top.
But the best thing was that he compared his future Nobel Peace snub to his Emmy snub for The Apprentice. Apparently Fat Donnie thought he was going to win a few years ago but got beat out by The Amazing Race which feels like getting beat out by Vern for world's funniest midget. The funny thing is he said that the Amazing Race got it because it, unlike the 14 season Apprentice, was establishment.
Somebody is very butt hurt and when Berretta Bob shows up at his door shortly, he will likely immediately shit his pants

Take on the tiny Japanese hotel room

When you walk into your hotel room and realize the reason it has a 18 inch TV is because it is literally the largest one that could fit in the room, you sort of gasp. You can use the desk while sitting on your bed, you can flush the toilet while closing the curtains and you can take a shower while answering the door.
It's not that the hotels are just small, some of them are plain gross. It's an odd thing in a country which seems clean but the you are not so sure. This place is the same one where you just caught a call girl going upstairs, the sheets look like they haven't been bleached in a month and the worst part is that you forgot your pajama pants in your big suitcase.

But this is Japan..so you trust that they sanitized everything with an industrial Japanese built sanitizing machine. Or at least you hope so

Take on the ear piece.

Trump discarded of his ear piece before the Argentinian president completed his remarks in typical Trump style......by dropping his ear piece in the ground for somebody else to pick up. But as you look at the photos, you wonder why his pants in the second photo look like he's turned his body around like a plastic teenage mutant ninjas turtle. The second photo looks like we are looking at him from the back. He's got the weirdest looking body where his knees apparently look like they protrude backwards and I'm pretty certain he has a bunt.

Take on HW

I grew up an HW Bush Republican. Reagan was a bit before my time and Fat Bill always disgusted me but HW spoke to me with a compassionate conservatism.
He died today in one of the more anticipated deaths the National has seen. We knew it would be only a matter of time and it seemed the nation has been saying her goodbyes for months.

But the one thing that even admirers of HW must admit is that when it came to women...he wasn't exactly an officer and a gentlemen. There are dozens of stories of the former Commander in Chief playing grab-ass with unsuspecting women who were trying to get into a photo.
This was exposed in the midst of the Me/Too monument. N can't

So Rest In Peace George but more importantly let's hope your victims can too.