Take on Jeffrey Epstein’s dirty spank bank

JP Morgan Chase admitted that it processed a billion dollars for Jeffrey Epstein and somehow nobody looked twice. Forget that the guy is a kid touched but who the hell can process that amount of money?? A billion dollars is not a measly million which would in its self be difficult to spend on a single shopping trip. Maybe these transactions are more "business" and less personal ATM but I'm not good with any of these dirty bastards being anywhere near the HAR of a publicly traded bank

Take on freezing Mitch

We are the point where the minority leader literally can't get though a day without looking like he had short circuited. We had the second known incident where that weaker Mitch McConnell froze as if he was an overloaded version of Windows 98. The dude almost looks like a neighbor walked over to his yard and punched him.

Time to send this dude to pasture and while we are at it he can take his junior Senator from Kentucky with him

Take on Strike Force Five

A bunch of late night hosts are putting on a podcast during the writer's strike. The guest list includes Colbert, Kimmel, Fallon, Oliver and Seth Meyers. I am wondering two things.

They always talk about the big three but there is obviously a Lebron and a Wade but somebody convinced the world that Chris Bosh was some kind of superstar. I honestly don't get how he stays on the air other than the peacock loves humor as rich as two percent milk

The second question is who the hell invited Seth Meyers and why didn't they invite that Scottish guy.

Take on lame rich people

There really aren't many things lamer than some tech billionaire rapping to his all white audience with the hope to come across as anything other than the dork he is. Eminem has requested that Ramaswamy to stop covering his songs most likely because its just painful to listen to. I don't know much about his policy other than he loves Trump
which already makes him as qualified to be POTUS as a jar of mayonnaise to me.

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Take on lame rich people

There really aren't many things lamer than some tech billionaire rapping to his all white audience with the hope to come across as anything other than the dork he is. Eminem has requested that Ramaswamy to stop covering his songs most likely because its just painful to listen to. I don't know much about his policy other than he loves Trump
which already makes him as qualified to be POTUS as a jar of mayonnaise to me.

Take on the shooter ad on YouTube.

Every time I log into YouTube, I am confronted with this shooter up ad and I am floored as to why I'm being targeted. I've never clicked on it, I have nothing in my search history (I think) that would indicate I'd be interested and I am annoyed to see it and often leave before watching whatever I'm going in for. Now obviously Meta has more info on me that I probably know about myself, but really?? This thing.

Take on the cheater in chief

Trump claimed he won some lame gold championship and basically admitted that he cheated by denying he did so. If you legitimately won, nobody would have to say anything but when you start desperately trying to cover up an obvious crime

Take on the Brady Bunch

Trump and his 28 closest friends spent their week figuring out their best prep walk, no comment gesture and mug shot angle and they came back with this ridiculous thing. We know that they have never been accused of being Harvard educated but this bunch is to patriotis like a limp bisquit is to porn.

Take on the mugshot

We've been waiting for this moment for what fella like forever. This charade has been going on for months with Trump's defiance on display time and time again but today, he was brought in front of the camera and treated like all the other perps. The photo will likely become bigger than the Jim
Morrison one but mostly it does remind serious people that this is not only an unserious candidate, he's a danger to the republic.

Take on the mismanagement of seasonal decoration

It's ten days before Labor Day, kids are still in camps, parents are still figuring out how they will manage the school year and CVS decided that now is the time to break out the Halloween stuff. You have to be kidding me with this, I'm still wearing shorts, I still have flip flops under my feet and still am thinking of what to do for the long weekend. But no, everything has to be rushed, nothing can carry its own rhythm, big pharmacy has decided that I have to put a scarecrow on my front porch on August 23rd!!!

Take on the fact Threads sucks.

Elon finally got his wish!! His $44Billion website is now #69in the App Store which he'd normally blast out but as it's a giant fall from grace, he's going to be conspicuously quiet we predict. The fall would be more sudden and stunning if Threads didn't totally suck. We've been on that website for a while and although we are rooting for it to work, it just doesn't. It's interface sucks, it has no search function, it mixes content from two minutes ago with that from a month ago. When you refresh, it only gives you a few new threads and stacks then upon a bunch of old ones you've read already.

Zuck, fix this thing.

Take on prison

We're just a few ldays away from Trump showing up at central booking where he will be photographed, weighed and fingerprinted. What will also happen is that he will be released on $200,000 bond with a condition of his release that he basically can't do Trump like stuff which is going to be impossible.

He can't go into social media and rip the justice system, the prosecutor or the courts which will Meehan that with any luck his fat ass will actually have to spend a few days in prison

Take on the debate

Aa expected, Trump will. It be doing the debates this year which basically makes them worthless endeavors for the rest of the clown car. We have seen how this goes, where he runs alternate programming head-to-head with the debate which basically sinks the entire thing. But now we will get Marshmallow DeSantis and Big Chris try to one-up each other in the one who can tell each other than they are not like Trump but would very much cover everything Trump can get.

Take on 273.5

An odd maker is taking over/under bets on Donald John Trump's weight when he gets booked in Georgia later this week. The line is 273.5 which seems like easy money since the man is obscenely obese. But what shocks me is that I don't recall the weight of somebody who got booked being anything I've ever seen before. But I'm all for the change

Take on family game night

I'm convinced that nothing can break a nuclear family apart more quickly than family game night. Having researched it, the entire concept was introduced to our county by double agent Soviet spies in the 1950's to help destroy any semblance of normalcy we as a country were hoping to portray. We know that most of the board games are controlled by Big Toy which is subsidized by a dark web of Soviet influence. Hasbro, Mattel and all of the others, around purely to break our collective psyche and destroy our families.
If I ever ran for president, my entire campaign would revolve around finally abolishing board games.

Take on family game night

I'm convinced that nothing can break a nuclear family apart more quickly than family game night. Having researched it, the entire concept was introduced to our county by double agent Soviet spies in the 1950's to help destroy any semblance of normalcy we as a country were hoping to portray. We know that most of the board games are controlled by Big Toy which is subsidized by a dark web of Soviet influence. Hasbro, Mattel and all of the others, around purely to break our collective psyche and destroy our families.
If I ever ran for president, my entire campaign would revolve around finally abolishing board games.

Take on Hurricane Hillary

The democratic chances of retaining the White House and Senate and making gains in the House could get derailed by the unlikeliest of events…a hurricane. Hurricane Hillary, if it makes US landfall will be the worst thing for that name since she declared that you'd get two for the price of one. I can't be sure but a Typhoon Donald would likely be heralded for the damage it would do to Japan or China.

Take on the debate

I can't believe that we are a week away from the first GOP debate which is just some lame excuse for us to get Christie and Vivek and Ronnie into a single room. Trump likely wasn't show up which basically means the entire thing will be a low energy crap show and he will just find ways to steal the spotlight.

Take on Free Speech

The biggest self proclaimed defender of Free Speech has been throttling speeds to news organizations and competitors which is as surprising as thinking any of his antics has ever been about true free speech. The loudest defenders are also often the most narcissistic as they really are only interested in their own speech being unimpeded. Luckily for us, the amount of time the TOR staff has spent on Twitter/X has been significantly cut to the point nobody on our payroll has been on the app in over 3 weeks.

Sadly, Threads sucks

Take on Smeraldina

I'm so sick of bottled water.  It's the biggest scam we've been fed since trickle down economics and Santa Claus.   The latest entry into this race of the stupid is something called Smeraldina which proclaims to be Good, Pure, Cool, Smart and Green. First of all the name Smeraldina sounds like a mashup of that camel piss Aquafina and a sperm bank, which is never a good combo.  Then their righteous proclamation Good, Pure, Cool and Smart  sounds like you are giving our class awards to a third grade and finally the nauseating Natural Artesian Water tag line which sounds like it was mocked up in a 10th grade intro to business class.    

But please, explain to me what is green about shipping water across the country with plastic tops and packed in that weird milk container cardboard which nobody knows  whether it can or cannot be recycled. 

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Take on twin peaks Pence

Mke Pence can never be president. Not only are his policies antiquated and his "Christianity" is insufferable, he looks like a grandmother. He was as some Iowa event which somehow had a bunch of people of ski lifts and between his awful mom-jeans and his man boobs, he looked like a walking drag show. I cannot imagine Mother being OK with this look.

senschumer on Threads

There really is no bigger tool on this fine earth that Chuck Buck Schumer. This dude spent last night posting about the HipHop50 while looking like an old white Florida retiree whose wrinkled sack matches his face. We have to put a top to these old white dudes doing anything at all culturally relevant. Nobody is voting for you just because you showed up looking like Morty Seinfeld and reeking of cottage cheese

Take on Dark Brandon

The GOP had a masterful end around about 6 years ago which will be talked about in history books for years. After the 2016 election there was a lot of misinformation on Facebook much of it paid for in rubles which was dubbed as Fake News. Donald Trump saw this and immediately turned this term around corrupting it and using it to describe anything he didn't like. It was a brilliant play by honestly as they have completely monopolized a term which was actually used to describe themselves.
Team Biden took note and have completely turned the Dark Brandon thing on its head. Not only are surrogates now using it on morning shows, they are monetizing it with mugs, shirts and hats and they have roped in a perfect spokesperson…

Take on Men in Crocks

Men shouldn't wear Crocks. I can't come up with a single reason a self respecting member of the male species would be caught dead wearing them but instead of shaming men, Nike is embracing it with their own version. I get the ease but there has to be a different design which can help a man not look like he's channeling a 13 year old girl

Take on Men in Crocks

Men shouldn't wear Crocks. I can't come up with a single reason a self respecting member of the male species would be caught dead wearing them but instead of shaming men, Nike is embracing it with their own version. I get the ease but there has to be a different design which can help a man not look like he's channeling a 13 year old girl

Take on jwkejTrump gives new nicknames to 'Beautiful Hillary,' 'Crooked Joe'

Trump is busy trying to come up with new nicknames for his political rivals. He has now dubbed Hillary as beautiful and has moved her old nickname to Crooked Biden. Obviously this is all his way to rile up the base but to think this will stop now is ludicrous. What I do hope that somebody puts a bit of pressure on Trump so he can come up with some clever ones .

Take on Live Music

There really is nothing less appealing than walking into a joint that is offering live music. I don't know who this appeals to but I'm not that middle aged white guy.

I don't care if they are playing without a cover charge, the live music sign May as well be one of a D health grade sign.

I should get discounted food and free well drinks for having to have my ear drums pokes out by some slob three Day Chasers into the day jamming out to some horrible Rush cover.

He's Tom Sawyer, mean mean guy

Somebody shove an ice pick into my ear drum

Take on Musky Busky

Elon Musk is desperately trying to get out of his battle royal with Zuck. He now announced that he was getting an MRI on his neck and back because apparently he has feathers, a beak and waddles while he walks. But whatever, the fight was going to be horrible

Take on the USWNT

Nobody who has watched this team play was surprised they lost to Sweden today but because they aren't talented enough but because the team has underperformed for a while.    

They played listless and uninspired in the group stage, nothing told me that they had an ability to just turn it on.   The lineup took no chances and any layman could see they were not able to generate a real offensive push.  The entire gameplan seemed to be defend and hope for a corne, they only converted one.  When half your team (Rapinoe, Morgan, Ertz, Dunn, Horan) are legacy players with amazingly long resumes and the other half (Smith, Rodman, Thompson) are 22 and younger, you can see the divide.     The team is going through an identity crisis, we have seen the old guard rise so many times that we hope they can give us one more magic trick but the world has caught up.    This World Cup came down to coaching and strategy and the ability to gel a team of stars and our coaching staff failed miserably.    Rapinoe was shot, Morgan is a shell of her old self.  The midfield was fine if you are ok with them just not being a hlating  weakness.   The only unit that I thought played well was the defensive line and half of them were forced to play out of their natural position as we as a country have decided that we should start the 11 best overall player, instead of the best cohesive starting XI.     

There is talent but the US team is too top heavy to be able to take advantage of it.  How Thompson plays all 10 minutes is beyond me.  How we throw two girls in there cold off the bench and ask them to take penalty kicks having played a minute each is asinine and giving Rapinoe her send off when she can't strike the ball more than 20 yards stinks.  

Four years is going to feel really long, just hoping to see a gameplan that is creative and not this plop and kick concept. 

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Take on Big Water

I caught a story of a woman who died of water toxicity which is a scary thought especially since the push from Big Water to over hydrate us. Thirty years ago, nobody spoke about water intake, it just wasn't a thing. You drank when you were thirsty but now, everybody seemingly following some fad water diet. now some celebrity tells you it will improves your lifespan, your memory and your overall health It will allow you to lose weight, gives you extra energy and bone lubricity and can help impotence, incontinence and irritability.

But I'm not buying, Big Water sells Dasani for $4 a bottle when it's literally filtered water, they have convinced us that we need to drink water from Fiji, transported half way around the world in plastic bottles and god knows what kind of water infrastructure has been built around harvesting water, the entire industry can not be worse for earth.

Take on the indicted candidate.

The question that was asked of me earlier was if a convicted Trump could run for -and potentially serve as- president. This is one of those untested situations as our forefathers likely never imagined a Trump like character which truthfully nobody could have predicted. He'd have to attend NATO meetings over zoom, he'd be having diplomatic sessions in the courtyard and state dinners would be in the cafeteria. I have to imagine that a convicted Trump serving his four years out of a federal penitentiary would NOT be something any sane person would want, then again I can't imagine a sane person actually voting for this lunatic.

Take on the ugly American

Nothing is more American than an overweight middle aged dude with tube socks, a crusty hat and an American flag bathing suit. The patriotic shorts has got to be one of the worst looks going and nobody seems to give a crap about the desecration of the flag by using it to cover your viagra needing unkept, cheese filled crotch .

Take on the indictment

August 1st, 2023 will go down as the day Jack Smith put on his big boy pants and finally put the toddler in his obscene with a six felony indictment. We all know that there is nobody who believes that Trump has any place anywhere near the White House but we also all realize that there is a faction of our country who have basically decided burning the country to the ground is patriotic. We need to start expelling the crazies