Take on Michael Cohen’s shredder

Maybe Michael Cohen should have invested in a better shredder. One of those multidirectional micro cutters that destroy evidence like Drake destroys cats. But apparently Cohen went to Staples and hit the "that was easy" button and got the one on sale and now Beretta Bob Mueller is on his ass and they are expecting to reconstruct major pieces of evidence within weeks. This doesn't look good for the "she bleached those emails" crowd and as anybody who watched Homeland remembers, bringing one of these pictures back to life takes like a week of five kids working in sweltering conditions.

Michael, maybe next time just set your entire office on fire.

Take on the meeting of the minds

If somebody told you that Kim Kardashian might one day be president, you'd likely say she's woefully unqualified. A counter argument to that might be that she leads an incredibly successful global empire started by her parent and built almost entirely on her name and the cult of personality that she has become. You may say she's never held any office, not a Senator, not a county representative, not even a local school board member but the counter argument is that she's so rich that she can't be bought by special interest. But if the money behind those special interest travel in the same circles as Kim, that might seem questionable. In order to know where she stands in terms of her financial leverage, you'd be smart to ask to see her financial records before electing her including her tax returns.

You may question where her wealth really comes from, where her assets are located and whether in her global dealings if she's made any eyebrow raising decisions. You might wonder if, being such a prominent celebrity, she could possibly be compromised to protect her name which is really the entirety of her brand since she has tried to pursue a global reach. You might actually ask if she has an acumen for global affairs, nuance of state matters and foreign policy issues or even an interest. Asking that she give up her stake in her global empire would not seem unreasonable as there would be massive potential conflict of interest issues. You may wonder what her intellectual curiosity is. If she decided to make Kourtney and Khloé trusted advisors you may think that would be odd being that neither has any experience either. She might ask her North West to sit in on major meetings with foreign dignitaries which would seem odd. Her fourth husband may disappear for days on end and not seem to like her very much but that would just be Page6 fodder. You wonder how she can communicate on her unsecured iPhone XXX and you laugh when she uses FaceBurn to communicate with the American public.
If she then invited the biggest 2040 major reality TV star to discuss policy at the White House you may think the optics are laughable. Her ties to the IRIN regime which spawned from the destruction of ISIS would seem troubling especially after her top advisors have been caught communicating directly with them, granted we thought the "war on terror" ended a few decades earlier but there is still no love loss between the US and IRIN. You'd be frightened to think she was negotiating nuclear disarmament with Pakistan while calling their leader a little poodle on FaceBurn.

But luckily this could never ever happened

Take on Fat Roseanne

Wait a second, Roseanne Barr is not a good person? This is shocking news as nobody could have predicted it and really leaves us guessing what could have been. Maybe the photo of her in Hitler garb taking Jewish cookies out of the oven wasn't enough, maybe her disgracing our national anthem wasn't enough and maybe her racially motivated comments over the last few years was t enough either but we now crossed the line. ABC cancelled her show and took bows for something that seemed as easy a decision as asking a bunch of nine year olds if they want ice cream for dinner

I hate Roseanne mostly because because her fat ass is going to keep John Goodman from winning an Emmy.

Take on Happy Memorial Day

Memorial Day has always marked the beginning of summer especially for those in the North East as people open their pools, start up their grills and get door buster deals for a new refrigerator. I've always found it a bit of an odd was to honor those who gave their lives for ours but then again our president used the occasion to tout a bunch of faux accomplishments.
First of all the statement "Happy Memorial Day" is an oddity in itself, there isn't anything particularly happy about it other than getting some 50% off of ground beef. Secondly to think that those who gave their lives fighting nazi oppression have any interest in our present day economy or our rebuilt military is ludicrous. Lastly, ending any Memorial Day statement with Nice! is about as classy as a grown man using the day to beak the cannon ball world record at the town pool.

Take on Tone Deaf

When you are so tone deaf that you don't even realize it, you know you have problems. Or in Ivanka's case you don't know other people have problems. Toots, do you realize your old man is pulling kids from families like my sister and I pulled unsuspecting bunnies from unsuspecting rabbit families when we were 10?!??

I get that you want to show off little Jared but come on, show us a photo of him with his tee ball outfit

Take on the 1500 missing children

Our government loses track of children like I lose track of credit card receipts when I travel abroad. CNN reporter we has lost track of 1500 immigrant children who have been sent to live with sponsors when their parents tried to cross the border. I get that keeping a database isn't easy, I am in charge of a database of paper towels at the office and it can get hairy The problem is that this isn't paper towels or invoices or receipts, and I'm actually sure many of them are ok but "many" is not 1500 and 1500 is likely not even all of them.
We don't have the stomach for immigration reform because we feel we have bigger fish to fry but when we have a president who doesn't realize that his own wife jumped the border by overstaying her visa, marrying a horrible man for a green-card and then using chain migration to get her parents here, then up is down and down is lower than we've ever seen it. Like when they announced they came up with that new absolute black, that is the life we are living in.

Take on ScrotumFace

Credit to NYC for not giving Harvey Weinstein an out by letting him duck out of the garage and instead making him take the perp walk. The guy whose face looks like a gigantic scrotum is accused of showing way too many people his other scrotum and it's time to celebrate.
I did see everybody patting Brad Pitt on the back for threatening to kick Fat Harvey's ass a decade ago which would have a lot more oomph has he nor filmed Incredulous Basterds
We'll see how this eventually plays out but I hear Morgan Freeman got invited to the after party.

Take on the commemorative coins

We've been at war with Korea for 70 years, so nobody can be that surprised when the much hyped Nobel Peace Prize talks got canned quicker than a new bowl of fermented cabbage. What I'm most sad about is that we may never get our hands on one of those great coins featuring two fat men with small hands.

Maybe there will be a market for them like old currency but I sort of suspect them to have the same value as a Knicks 1994 NBA champion T-shirts.

Take on the damning CNN assessment of the North Korean rule

The Pentagon made what CNN called a damning assessment of the North Korean power structure

 "With the proposed Trump-Kim summit in the balance, the Pentagon has made public a damning assessment of Kim's regime that concludes its primary function is to ensure "perpetual Kim family rule" at the expense of the well-being of the North Korean people"

We needed a study to tell us that the Kim's have plans for perpetual rule??  Has nobody been paying attention to the last 60 years??   These people kill family members who aren't loyal enough, ensuring the rule passes directly down in a dynasty.  They have kept millions of citizens without basic human nutrition to ensure this Kim dynasty 

This seems like the kind of assessment I could have come up with that on the back of a beer coaster for half the time and money.  

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Take on Mike Flynn Jr.

Mike Flynn Jr had a hot take today which was burning at such intensity that I almost threw my iPhone into a puddle. Little Mike wants to impeach Obama which is great if you sit on the board of Netflix or something. Although maybe this is Mike's attempt to get onto Trump's good side as he knows a prosecution is headed his way.

But I'm not sure if Jr. has any idea what is going on right now but his old man is looked down the barrel of the Mueller pistol and Beretta Bob just disengaged the safety

Lock him up

Take on the typo President

People often said Obama was out of touch as he was too cerebral, that he came across as a professor as if being smart was something to look down upon.
Today a report came out that Trump aides put typos and random capitalization into his tweets to make him appear more recognizable to his base. In other words, they dumb down the dumbest President so his dumb audience can't figure out it's not him.
But really I don't believe this, they are floating this out there to give off the impression that the typos are by design and that he isn't actually a moron but I'm not buying it. Trump is as dumb as it gets and his core audience adores him not in-spite of it but because they don't even realize it.

Take on the president’s DOJ demands

When you have a President so miserably guilty of obstruction that he has open contempt for his own justice department you just know there isn't a real future which doesn't involve them going head to head.

Trump demands that the DOJ look into whether they themselves infiltrated the Trump campaign when that only shines the light on just how guilty his campaign actually was. The FBI isn't going to investigate something they don't think has legs and when your campaign includes people like Trump, Gorka, Page, Manafort, Little Don, Flynn and Erik Prince and you realize that finding a criminal amongst this crew is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Take on the Royal wedding

I saw a poll last week which indicated that neither Brits or Americans were all that interested in the Royal Wedding but it was all anybody spoke about yesterday. Maybe it was that we all do love the idea of a princess getting married or it was a much needed reprieve from school shootings, school bus crashes and the prospects of Turner and Mooch We caught about twenty minutes of it. Here is our quick take from earlier today

- it would have been nice had they out this thing on at a reasonable hour. 7am on a Saturday?!? Get this puppy into a US prime-time slot or at least at noon.

- the preacher was interesting but Jesus, what the hell was he talking about ten minutes into it a bit the Fire?!?

-where the hell did they duck our for twenty minutes. Confessing a laundry list of sins?


- people say that Meghan Markle's dress was understated..do you realize it had a fifty foot train?? Although ballsy to go white

- a bunch of people wondered whether two random royals would wear ridiculous hats, Princess Beatrice and the other one. I have no idea but both could stand to lose ten stone and it would be nice if maybe one of them could smile

-apparently Harry's ex showed up, not sure how that is ever a good idea. Not on Royal Wedding day, not at the chapel at the Mirage

- a bunch of nice Diana moments but when I heard some commentator say that the ceremony had white roses because that was her favorite..you are sort of gasping for straws. It's a wedding

- everybody commented that Harry was such a gentleman for opening that door of the classic car and Markle for leaning over for him. This was fully choreographed people.

- love the tableau of a gospel choir in a church surrounded by the most stuffy people in the world going through endless pomp and circumstance.

- I didn't hear a peep out of Prince George or Princess Charlotte and they didn't show them during the ceremony. Probably because they both had iPads which I commend

Take on the drunken lawyer look

Has there ever been a person who looks like he's just coming off of an all night coke bender than Michael Cohen. The dude has that "I just lost the kid's college fund on the blackjack table" appearance when he's looking good and rested and looks like he was snorting coke off of a meth addicted hookers ass when he doesn't. His entire wardrobe looks like it was lifted off the coat rack at a Benihana
I know he's made a successful career out of being a real life Better Call Saul but there is no way this guy goes to bed not fearful some goon is about to break his legs.

Take on Turner and Mooch

A cable news show staring Avenatti and the Mooch has been pitched to a couple of television channels and everybody is already calling it the next Turner and Hooch or better yet Turner and Mooch.

I get the appeal of shoving together two loud mouthed attention seeking Italians does sort of make sense but I'd be honest...I'd never watch

Having this bombastic egotistical maniacally obsessed President is already enough for me, I don't need any more of that in my life. It also proves once and for all that Michael Avenatti's interest in this entire thing is purely a gigantic ego stroke and he never cared for the feelings of poor Stormy

Take on Trump’s love of West Virginia

Trump told GOP senators that he likes West Virginia so much that he might move there one day which made he wonder if there was a federal penitentiary in the coal mine state.

The chances of a coastal elite like Trump living in a place like West Virginia is laughable but he does have a need to be surrounded by admiration and no place seems to believe that his cult of personality will pick them up out of their despair like West Virginia. After four years (or..gasp..eight) the people there will realize that there jobs aren't coming back, their meth problem is as bad as ever and Bob Huggins is still a gigantic man child.
But they may not look down on Trump's infatuation with Ivanka

Take on the embassy

When you put the President's name in bigger font than the rest of your embassy, you can't possibly be surprised since this is the same guy who emblazoned his name on every building from here to Atlantic City regardless of how big a dump the place was. The embassy move, as already discussed, was never one that made much sense since it gave away a bargaining chip and will now only cause more unrest than that region needs.

But the fact that the Trumps decided to make a total spectacle out of it implies that this is a decision whose interest are only to stoke the egos of the few in charge.

take on Jared Kushner

Jared Kushner has gone from the great hope to the great hype to the great complicter (sp?) when it came to being the voice of reason within the administration.   Not only has he not kept his end of the bargain of keeping the lunatic in charge somehow contained, he's complicit in the death of dozens in Gaza.

The movement of the embassy never seemed necessary and was only going to rattle the Palestinians for now good reason..  Seeing protests today was about as predictable as the sun rising over the Dead Sea while sitting atop Mount Masada 

what was interesting, sort of, was that this might have been the first time we actually heard Kushner speak and as predicted he sounds like a cross between Kermit the Frog and a prepubescent child which is interesting since his Father in Law has the emotional makeup of a prepubescent child and Kellyanne Conway looks like a whiter Kermit the Frog with a head that is too big for her body.

anyway, I was happy to see that somebody (likely G-d) was shining a big light into his eyeballs during his miserable speech, trolling him for the murder of dozens because of his decision.

Take on the Trump Accomplishments

FoxNews put up a list of Accomplishments for Trump and it read like a whose who of nothing.
The list includes moving the US Embassy to Jerusalem which, as far as an accomplishment goes is kind of empty
Leaving the Iran deal isn't much of an accomplishment
The release of prisoners and meeting with Kim Jong Un is a true accomplishment although the real accomplice to will be baes on the long term results of that meeting


But the rising approval ratings isn't example a presidential accomplishment nor is making "the economy great again"

Take on Kellyanne Conway

I've been staring at this photo of Kellyanne Conway and Ivanka Trump and I can't quite make out what Kellyanne looks like when you can see her from head to toe.
The best I've come up with is a cross between Kermit the Frog and Billy Crystal in The Princess Bride. She's got a head which is too big for her body, she wears off white on top of white, she has weird boney knees, she was legs which bow the wrong way and she has the smile of a psychotic nun. Oh yeah, she's a horrible person to boot.

Ivanka on the other hand is like Beavis and Butthead, she never ever looks at the camera correctly and always will look right. I'm convinced her left side is weirdly transformed

Take on Sarah Sander’s huge mouth

The press is really out to get Big Huck...I mean she is a horrible human who has made a living out of lying and covering for an immoral scumbag, so not sure why anybody would be that surprised.  

But one thing you notice is that almost every single photo you see of her is one where she looks like she is about to chow down on a Blimpie Best. 

It's something about the way she opens her mouth that reminds you of the clown at the miniature golf course.  

I'm not sure it's actually on purpose as she just has this gigantic oral cavity but look at any story about her and each one has her looking like she is huffing and puffing after she just ran up a hill. 

It's like her huge mouth is a magnet for the camera. From Trump friendly to Trump unfriendly sites alike

http://www.businessinsider.com/sarah-huckabee-sanders-reads-letter-9-year-old-dylan-2017-7?r=UK&IR=T

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/sarah-huckabee-sanders-replaced/

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2017/11/04/white-house-press-secretary-sarah-sanders-body-shamed-by-la-times-columnist.html

https://www.bostonglobe.com/news/politics/2018/05/11/here-how-sarah-sanders-responded-reports-white-house-staffer-mocking-john-mccain/4h3v7EkA3Icea9foby4iKL/story.html

https://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2018/05/03/david-chalian-sarah-sanders-lost-credibility-sot.cnn

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Take on Seth Meyers creating Donald Trump

It's all Seth Meyers fault.

Our president is so thin skinned that it's been rumored for years that he devised up his run for President after feeling slighted by a joke about him by Obama at the White House Correspondence Dinner. Now we finally find out the truth, it wasn't Obama's joke that killed little Don, it was Seth Meyers. Apparently, Trump was so incensed by the slight that he wanted Meyers to make a personal public apology to him on Meyers' late late late late show which Meyers never did. The irony is that Seth Meyers is the Bill Cosby of comedy (minus the whole date rape thing). I've heard him speak a few times and he come across as a dad who wears socks with sandals and is stressed about the mortgage and making his kid's softball game. He's also on a TV show that nobody watches, yet Trump felt that this guy needed to grovel for his affection at 2am on NBC.


So anyway, using that theory about the butterfly from Jurassic Park, we have Seth Meyers to thank for President Trump. Good job

Take on Enko

The latest craze might be these hideous shoes from @enko and Im not a fan. When you heard about a guy like the Blade Runner compete in events with his blades people were up in arms. The spring action on those blades actually meant that he was running faster than abled bodies Olympian's. We've seen players opt for Tommy John surgery as a preemptive measure knowing that it actually improves their velocity.
Well now you can be your own Blade Runner (minus the gruesome murder part) with these new spring shoes from Enko. I have no idea how I feel about it as most people will just use it for their own running pleasure and unlike golf with it's stupid rules, getting and advantage in your own exercise is probably fine.
But really you will look like a jackass wearing these things, it reminds me of those sketchers they sold for a minute with the rounded bottom

Notice the staying power of those things.

Take on Michael Cohen

Michael Cohen went from not being reimbursed for the $130,000 to getting a stipend for $450,00 and now it sounds like we hear he got another $500,000 from a Putin oligarch. So covering for Trump's ass is great business model. You spend $130,000 and you get back $950,000 and all you have to give up is your honor and dignity which for Cohen is like ordering an egg and cheese.

Well, good luck in fender alignment penitentiary, hope your five hole is well greased

Take on Be Best

Most people will look at Melania's anti cyber bullying initiative as more than a little inconsistent with her own life but we at TOR are more concerned with the stupid name this initiative holds.  We get she's an ESL student but what the hell does Be Best mean?   "Be Your Best" could make sense, "Be who you are" could be something but how does a kid who is being bullied rally around a campaign which is missing a basic portion of a sentence.
Maybe it's a weird code that she's using to signal to her friends that she's being held captive by a psycho path

Being
Exhorted

By an
Estranged 
Sycophant
Tyrant 

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Take on Rudy’s crazy eyes.

The weirdest thing about Rudy is that "somebody bring this guy back in the loony bin" look he gets in his eyes. Whenever he goes bug eyed he looks like one of those hand puppets win his weird big eyes, floppy arms like he's got someone's hand way up his five hole

I get that things haven't gone well for America's Mayor (this third divorce, his fat son hates him, Trump passed on him for every cabinet position). But he does seem to be loyal and now has the inevitable position of defending the indefensible, maybe having somebody's arm up his ass is actually the best part of his year.

Take on Meek Mill

Maybe this will prove that I'm a middle aged white father of three but I have literally no idea who Meek Mill is or why I'm suppose to care.
I saw he got out of prison and went directly to Sixer game and he's personally close with Bob Kraft, so what I know about him isn't really redeeming. I also know that he's all over the paper and I was thinking of looking him up on Wikipedia but can't be bothered to actually go through the work to do that.

So instead I ask my loyal followers if anybody has any idea why this guy is being interviewed by Lester Holt

Take on Trump’s decision to not go to the funerals

There is this online movement with people
Outraged about the fact Trump golfed instead of attending the funerals of the Stoneman Douglass victims but this is where the anti Trump movement is so inconsistent. You know that if he did show up, it would be an absolute sh!t show and many people would want him nowhere near the burial of their child because of his utter lack of morality or compassion.

If he did go, he'd inevitably say something about how he got more people to come to the funeral than Obama ever could, how his electoral victory was so decisive, how the main stream media is mean to him or how Hillary Benghazi'd the uranium emails while falling down after tripping over the litany of sexual harassment allegations against Bill which were paid off by the Clinton Foundation.

Nobody would want him anywhere near the funerals but when he doesn't come they knock him, too. Listen, Trump sucks but he causes the least amount of harm when he's surrounded by rich old fat guys one his stupid golf course.

Take on Sad Hannity

Poor Hannity, he wasn't given the playbook before his explosive interview with Rudy and was heavily flustered when the Mayor admitted that the Stormy money came directly from Trump. What was sadder was watching Sean's sad face when discussing it in his Opening Monologue. I don't quite know where Hannity's line is but when he's sent out there on the front line to deliver Trump's message but when he is left out there to hang, it's not very fair.
But like everybody who was once close to Trump, they at some point find themselves on the outs and maybe this was Hannity's "you didn't get invited to my birthday party" memo

Take on Trump’s crazy doctor.

It's been quite a week for doctor's who have actually seen Trump's medical charts. Apparently they aren't qualified to lead major government agencies, hand out Percocets like they are Skittles, crash cars into trees and knock on women's hotel rooms in the middle of the night.
Oh yeah, that was the normal looking doctor.

Trump's other doctor, Dr. Harold Bornstein who looks like a cross between the Dude and Walter gets his five minutes this week. First it came out that Trump's goons raided his office last year to clear out all medical records of Trump. Bornstein looks like he shouldn't have a barber license, let alone a medical one and he's the only one we were asked to trust to provide a bill of health for a 70 year old who has never turned down a Big Mac and has never once been on a treadmill

Then it was revealed that the glowing letter about Trump's great health wasn't actually written by Bornstein but instead dictated by Trump and then (maybe) signed by him.

This had to be the least surprising thing ever, considering the letter didn't speak about any actually medical information you'd expect to find like cholesterol, blood pressure or medical procedures but instead spoke glowingly about the health Trump was in and how he would be the healthiest person to ever be president. Whenever you see a letter about Trump with more than one adjective, it's likely something he wrote himself. This shouldn't surprise anybody since it's well established that "John Barron" would regularly call Liz Smith to give hints at the amount of poon Trump was getting that week.

But anyway, glad to know that Trump's medical records are now safely kept under lock and key by Schiller and the rest of the Gambino tribe.

Take on Tom BrokenJaw

The old NBC anchors are having a rough time. A few years ago Brian Williams was sent off to Albatross and now Tom Brokaw is getting his with a third woman accusing him on impropriety. But what is worse is the accompanying photo which looks like Tom might be pulling a Caitlyn Jenner. He's got these big man boobs and looks like he might be carrying twins. Add to that his disheveled hair and those thick rim red glasses and he might as well be Sally Jesse Raphael if she decided to eat all the cake at every party she's ever been to.