Take on the master negotiator

Our president is a master negotiator, we've been told that he perfected the art of the deal and his meeting with Kim Jong Un proves again that his bestseller is pure fiction.
See you can't bash Goliath and come into a meeting and bend your knee to David, the White House has all the leverage but instead of playing from a position of power, they are playing from a position of weakness. This isn't because Trump
Is a bad negotiator, it's because he's a compromised one. He's at the stage of his presidency when the wheels are coming off and he's desperately trying to change the dialogue but will do so at America's peril.
This is America today, wag the dog is now not a desperate last resort, it's a daily occurrence and we will all suffer for it

Before he leaves, please let somebody show Trump the Hanoi Hilton and see if they have an open room for him.

Take on the best day of television of the year

Must watch TV is just hours away as Michael Cohen is set to testify in front of congress while Donald Trump has dinner with Kim Jong-Un in Hanoi.

I've had a fair amount of long nights in Asia myself where I can't sleep but I have to believe that Trump will be glued to his TV set tonight afraid of the bombshells that Michael Cohen is set to outline.

We've seen what he's expected to say including calling Trump a racist and a conman and laying out in detail what Trump knew about things like the Trump Tower meeting. I'm planning on staying up all night with a box of popcorn probably similar to what Trump will be doing about 1000 miles south of here

Maybe Trump should stay in Vietnam instead of flying back home, by the time he lands in Washington DC, he might be met with FBI agents instead of his normal group of military guards.

Take on the air quality survey

I woke up in China today, opened the shades and felt like I was looking into a glass of milk. I couldn't see the street, the building in front of me and I may not have been able to see through both panes of glass for all I know

See the air quality was at 336 today which is dubbed Hazardous. This is higher than dangerous and just before "you are instantly dead". My throat hurts, my eyes are watery, my nose has been bleeding for two days and the food all tastes like it's been cooked in a vat of my dirty gym socks. But this is China and and no matter how many Chinese people will try to explain it's not that bad, the more you cough up black crap

Wish me luck

Take on the Krafts

The Krafts had an interesting 24 hours. First the patriarch of the family got caught in a little rub and tuck with underaged girls at an Asian massage parlor. The fact that one of the country's richest men, one who runs the most successful sports franchise of our time, had given a friendship ring to Vlad Putin and a guy who is personal friends with the president would be involved with something like this just speaks to the audacity of the rich, famous and well connected. The visual of Bob Kraft getting a handjob while wearing that stupid blue button down with the white collar and cuffs is one I wish was not seared into my head.

Later that day the Kraft Heinz company's shares plummeted because people realize that ketchup with American cheese is about as disgusting a combination as you could come up with and likely something we could see our dear leader eat.

It can't make John Kerry too happy to see that drop although not as weird as when Bob Kraft shows up -not wearing pants- at Thanksgiving this year.

And finally Kelly Craft was nominated as a US Ambassador to the United Nations after a stint in Canada which must have made Bob Kraft and the shareholders of Kraft Heinz board happy to see their young niece and heir to the craftmatic bed frames have such rousing success.

I can't say I know much about Kelly Craft but did notice that she's married to some huge Trump supporting billionaire Kentucky coal baron which will mean great things for any green initiatives in the UN. Then it made me wonder how the hell anybody could become a billionaire off of coal.

Witch hunts still ruled the day which does show Trump's infatuation with witchcraft is alive and well.

Take on the Chinese red carpet

When you fly to China, they roll out the red carpet for you at JFK but sadly the red carpet looks like the same one they adorned the rub and tuck place Bob Kraft frequents. The idea is nice but when your VIP floor covering looks like a Chinese dude shat on it and then rubbed his ass on the side for good measure, you loose that Very Important feeling. But China is like this, they don't care about aesthetics which is why the entire country uses an awful font which makes Times New Roman look like its calligraphy. They won't spend money or time to beautification as it's just not something they're people would appreciate, or better yet, pay for.

But here we got, my third trip in a year, I'm sure the food and air quality is going to be great

Take on the Trump Trade Tariffs

Maybe Trump actually isn't as bright as we were told. Maybe his business acumen actually isn't that stellar and his negotiation skills leave something to be desired. Watching him renegotiate NAFTA right into a new rebranded NAFTA proves that he doesn't quite understand anything other than branding. Now this Chinese deal is once again on the verge of collapse because Trump doesn't understand the basic terminology and then when he's told what it is, he lectures the entire room on his interpretation.
What is most maddening about the China 301 tariffs is that although we've heard a bunch of bluster about China paying for them, the 10% tariff burden in being paid by American companies importing goods and indirectly upon American consumers paying higher prices. It's not a tax on China, it's a tax on us and in many places where no domestic industry exists to protect, its shortsighted, costly and plain dumb
But then again Trump doesn't care unless he can take credit for a success

Take on Bob Kraft

Bob Kraft got busted for getting an Ajji Massajji at an Asian Day spa which in this day and time means this will be news for 4 hours maybe 5. The more interesting news was when Adam Schefter said that Bob Kraft wasn't the biggest name caught up in this thing and it got us to thinking, what is a bigger name than Bob Kraft??

In terms of sports, he's pretty recognizable.
Bob Kraft is about as well known a sports owner there is. Maybe Jerry Jones or Mark Cuban is more recognizable but that's about it

That puts the next person as a pretty big sports star which in football makes that Tom Brady or in baseball maybe Bryce Harper but neither seem the type. Basketball has much bigger stars so it could be LeBron or Steph and being in Jupiter Florida you can never count out Tiger Woods's

But I'm guessing it's out of sports and it's somebody else in public light and sort of guessing the name starts with a T and ends in an Ump

Or better yet, Jared Kushner

Take on 5G.

Sometimes I have to admit that I agree with Trump

He said today that he wanted 5G and hell why not skip right to 6G because if you got 7 minute abs, why not go to 6 minute abs. I have no idea what prompted this tweet but really it seems to strike at the heart of what we all feel. We spend 4-5 hours on our phones, it would be nice to not stare at a screen loading some stupid video you accidentally clicked when going to CNN.

But I do agree, LTE is the suck, 3G was OK, 4G is a farce and the only thing that keeps getting higher isn't the download speeds but the price we pay.

So give me some better phone service and make Mexico pay for it

Take on the enemy of the people

My enemy's enemy is my friend.

Trump has spent the better part of the last two years tearing into the Fake News and calling it all the enemy of the people but really he just sees it as the enemy of him. As a NYC playboy he loved the tabloids because he could exploit them and his insatiable appetite for attention and their insatiable appetite for celebrity gossip made them a perfect pair but as president the stuff on Page6 just isn't enough as he tries to captivate the country.

This is what Trump is actually angry at, he can't control the press like he did as a younger man, they actually hold him accountable which is something nobody has ever done before

But with the news of the deranged Coast Guardsman with his ammo dump and hit list, it might be time for President donut to shut his pie he before somebody -other than his ego-gets hurt.

Take on crazy Bernie

Everybody says that people only mention Hillary's negatives like her likability, age and skeletons but nobody ever goes after Bernie

Well here it comes. Bernie is 100 years old, actually looks like a skeleton, doesn't comb his hair, screams all the time, has ridiculous notions of where to take our country, is not even a democrat, could lead to a Trump re-election, might die while in office or while running or while sleeping tonight, doesn't answer questions that are difficult, is old, looks like he doesn't floss his teeth, looks like he smells like musty carpet, was rejected before and will likely weaken the eventual Democratic nomination.

Other than that..he is fiery and that's cool.

Take on the Trump Nobel Peace nomination

Maybe Abe is just trolling everybody because the notion that Trump deserves a Nobel Peace prize is obviously laughable. What is most disturbing is not even that he nominated Trump but that Trump requested he do and likely required it of him. Trump has been good to Abe but nobody gets goods press from Trump unless there is a reason behind it. You either have to kiss his gigantic ass or stay in his crappy hotel or apparently sell your soul for the highest bidder

Take on the loose Weiner

There are days when I can't wait to see what the NY tabloids will feature on their front pages and tonight is one of those.  With Anthony Weiner being released from federal prison and immediately having registered as a sex offender, there will be so many good headlines

I'm guessing we'll get a The Weiner is Let Out or something along those lines 

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Take on the National Emergency...or embarrassment .

Our president on the eve of declaring a national emergency was caught without makeup having an omelet at the Days Inn, dressed like a grandfather with skin toned pajamas and a stupid red hat. Seeing Trump less orange is sort of jarring as and he somehow looks less fat than he does in his ill fitted suits but somehow looks older and more senile as if he wondered out the Mar-a-Lago and wanted into a retirement village and decided to stick around for breakfast not caring about the musty carpets, dirty clothes left on the chair, chipped wood or fact that fine dining isn't usually accompanied by ketchup

Take on Trump’s bad deal

When you've lost Ann Coulter, it might be time to turn off the lights and close shop. Trump relented to pressure from Congress, his own party and the country and signed a spending deal and immediately announced he would be using an emergency to fund his wall.
Sadly for Trump this made nobody happy. Republicans know that this is now something that Democrats will use for things they see as necessities. But the beauty is that the attacks for him come from everybody except the people who now realize they were had. The great deal maker failed again to make a great deal and had to settle for less than he got offered before but because he's a loud mouthed idiot there will remain about 25% of the population too dumb to notice.

Take on fat Trump

Trump's medical exam was released today and the thing that struck our attention was the announced weight of 243 pounds. A president can lie about affairs, WMD's or whether you can keep your doctors but when they lie about something as important as this, we get angry

There aren't a lot of things that TOR is good at. It's basically limited to parallel parking and balancing on a single leg while putting on my socks but the only other thing we can do is pick out a fat guy. I will bet all the TOR revenue for a year that Trump is 260 pounds at least.

Take on Pauly’s walnuts.

Oh no, Pauly Walnuts got himself into trouble by doing the one thing they always tell yuh their guy can't do...lying to the Bob Mueller

The problem for Manafort is that he now jeopardized his plea deal which he only would do if he was covering up something more egregious than what he pleaded to.

But this is what happens when you stick your dick in Trump's mashed potatoes, you get gravy all over your unit and when you try to clean it up in the public test room sink, yuh get a lot of weird looks

Take on Ivanka’s dishonest chart

Eric is the dumb one and Don Jr is the shady one which has always sort of make Ivanka the normal one but they all part of the facade that her and Jared put up.
She posted what can only be described as a completely misleading chart showing an exponential growth in women participation in the workforce.
It doesn't show that but it does show that she's either dumb or completely dishonest or both.

First of all, she took a chart and zoomed in so that the rate goes from 73 to 76% instead of a zoomed out one that would cover something like 50 to 80%
The "exponential" growth is something like 2%

Secondly, it shows that the big drop happened after the Great Recession (surprise) and the improvement started under Obama (double surprise)
Lastly, even if you want to claim this as a Trump coup, realize that the increased participation is likely tied to the fact that wages really aren't growing and that more families need dual incomes to make ends meet. So maybe not a great stat for Obama OR Trump

Take on the easily refuted claim

James Hohmann reporter today that 

In a 1-minute stretch, Trump says 69,000 people RSVP'd to be at his rally in El Paso tonight. Then he says the arena holds 8k, but the fire department got 10k in. Then he says "tens of thousands of people" are watching screens outside. Then he says says he's got 30,000 ppl here.

Of course the newspapers immoderately asked the fire department who said that the arena of holds 6500 and they didn't allow any additional people inside.   But this is Trump, he can lie about anything and we forget after five minutes but if Elizabeth Warren repeats some family lore, she's lambasted for it for the rest of her career.  See Trump gets away with it because everybody assumes they he's a lying weasel and they don't care for a second and watching this debacle makes my hair hurt. 

Mueller, the time is now. 

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Take on the Brit Hume critique

The mouthpiece of the administration has regularly been the talking heads on FoxNews but today a true newsman made some headlines by implying the president is too stupid to have made an insensitive remark.
When Trump mocked the Elizabeth Warren announcement with his typical Pocahontas rant many thought he went a step further saying he looked forward to seeing her on the TRAIL. Whether he meant (or even understood) the reference to the Trail of Tears is not important, what is important is that people like Brit Hume came to his defense claiming the president was likely not smart enough to understand the reference. This is more troubling to me than him actually meaning it, it likely means ones of three things

- people (Stephen Miller) are writing his tweets and he doesn't even have the wherewithal to understand the context

- he's so brain dead that he wrote it and still doesn't understand the fact it could be viewed as insensitive.

- he meant it and is a complete pig.


This isn't some Breibart contributor, this is the president of the United States not smart enough (or mature enough) to stop from insulting native people.

Take on Trump’s health

Every time Trump goes to the doctor he gets a board certified medical professional to swallow his prize and felate Don in front of the world. Whether it was the weirdo with the long hair who said, with no basis, that Trump would be the healthiest president of all time or the guy last year who was subsequently rumored to take over the VA, Trump always gets them to spew the most unreasonable crap about him

The latest iteration is the letter from the head of a group of 11 doctors at Walter Reed who said he was in very good health and will remain so for the duration of his Presidency, and beyond" which is as believable a comment as saying Trump isn't morbidly obese. There is no doctor worth his salt who would predict the next decade of a patient this forcefully let alone one who doesn't exercise, works in the most stressful job in the world, is 50+ pounds overweight and has a horrible diet yet somehow Trump cons them all into a state of professional coma.

Take on Bezos’ exposed Pecker

The new deep throat may be a dick-pic which is as 2019 as you can ever get.  The idea that AMI was trying to blackmail the world's richest man and publisher behind Democracy Dies in Darkness based on a phone hack is laughable, this goes much deeper and likely involves an orgy of Putin, Trump, MBS, Assad, Jared, Cohen, Manafort and Kim Jung Un which is about as grotesque a visual as you can have.   All of which will get exposed now that David Pecker tried to blackmail Bezos but left Pecker as the one fully exposed 

We don't know the details yet but we do know that Jeff Bezos went on the offensive against AMI and we can think of a few good reasons

- he's already going to lose half in the divorce at this point anyway as I'm sure that's all arranged already, so he's got nothing more to lose there.  The National Enquirer cost him this by outing his afraid and Bezos is not going to get a little wienie like David Pecker get the best of their sword fight. 

- he knows that this is likely something which is rooted directly in the White House and it's going to lead to biggest break since Watergate.  He's a newsman now and this stance creates the exact storm that the WaPo will help bring to a conclusion

- like all things Bezos, he likely hung like a horse and if you can go anywhere, date anybody and buy anything (and have it delivered in two days for free) this embarrassment is likely the only way for him to get his rocks off. 

- this is his first entry into the 2020 election... he's going to make his announcement with the American Flag waving of his unit at full staff. 

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Take on Presidential Harassment

Poor Trump, this is the day he realized that the writing is in the wall and he's officially screwed with the announcement of Adam Schiff that they are going no holds barred against the President and all his men. He went on a Twitter year today with posts about Presidential Harassment and the question we ask is who is harassing who? Doest Presidential Harassment by definition mean that the president is doing the harassing? When you hear Police Harassment it's not the cops that are being harassed, they are the ones doing the harassing. If a man is involved in sexually harassment he's the one ogling his secretary's chest, so Trump May have shown again why he has the best words.

Either way the beautiful irony of all of this "Presidential Harassment" is that in the last decade the president who got harassed constantly for a fake birth certificate was Obama and the harasser was one Donald J Trump

Can't say I feel badly for old Donald, he brought it all upon himself but with the walls tightening in, we have to expect more pushback which will lead to more distraction and more temper tantrums from him.

Be Best Donald!!

Take on the SOTU

We out this together last night but only getting around to posting this tonight but here is our play by play

Ah, the pomp and circumstance, always nice to see the walking of the dead.   

Don't think that Pelosi and Pence have said more than three words to each other which is weird because you'd think that Nancy reminds Pence of Mother

Wait...is Ivanka wearing a cape??

It's official, Pence and Pelosi stood next to each other for 20 minutes and never said a word

Trump starts out sounding like he's reading from the phone book, so much for enthusiasms

Early Shout out to Elon Musk and SpaceX, didn't see that coming.

Glad to see entire democratic congressional female congregation wearing white, highly doubt Trump gets the reference.

AOC crushing this elected official thing, she's so much hotter than Mitch McConnell

Nancy Pelosi's face is completely frozen.   Hard to tell if it's her disdain for Trump or the plastic surgery..likely both

Joe Manchin just winked at Trump. He's sort of smitten

Pompeo looks like he spilled ketchup on his shirt

Mnuchin looks like he's forced to wear women's panties..the secret is that he doesn't mind.

Bernie just picked his nose.  Somebody give him a tissue...and a hairbrush....and tooth floss

Pence has some loving eyes for his master

Elaine Chao looks like she hopes Mitch is sleeping in his office today.

Whitaker looks like a bouncer at Bada Bing

Tiffany makes an appearance matching the suffrage outfit of the Democratic female congresswomen

Trump just went Dr Seuss

(I take a shower during the boring parts)

We need a wall and a ball and need it to be tall

El Paso sounds nice in the summer

Democrats are evil or smug or both or neither. Hard to tell

The young democratic congresswomen just trolled Trump and I don't know if he realizes it

The fat one in the middle looks like she had one too many Long Island Iced Teas as the Bar Mitzvah.  Please put your "whoop whoop" hands down

Trump has impressed me....in the sense that he hasn't totally butchered any words

Seeing the justices isn't the same without seeing RGB falling asleep

I LIKE BEER

Kristjen Nielsen and Kristen Gillibrand are easy to mix up. 

Is Cory Booker giving a hand job to that Senator  sitting next to him???

Elizabeth Warren should show up in full head garb ala Zack Morris

You want to unify America???  Talk up Buzz more than the 23 seconds you gave him

Jesus, Trump is fat 

Finally over. 

Is he going to sign that guy's tie?!!?

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Take on wacky Bernie

Somebody please tell Bernie that the gig is up, he tried gallantly to change America but when your message is good but your messenger looks like he just escaped from the loony-bin, the message gets lost. Bernie needs to win the battle with a comb before I can take him seriously. His screaming like a lunatic schtick works as an SNL clip but honestly, we need something different and Bernie has his shot

Time to put an age limit on the president, nobody over the age of old

Take on 60% executive time.

Everybody will be up in arms when they see that Trump spends 60% of his day on executive time but we don't. We've said since day one that we want Trump spending more time watching cartoons and playing golf and less time doing anything else. Even the tweets are better than the governing by fire mentality he has taken on. We know he's not a particularly smart man, we know his intellectual curiosity has bounds, we know he's more likely to deep dive into a chocolate fountain than into a policy paper and we know he doesn't really care about nuance, so let's stop asking him to do more of it. Let's stop lazy shaming him even if we all know he claimed he'd have no time for golf if he were to become president and claims now that he doesn't watch a lot of TV because of all the papers. We don't want to goad him into more work, we want to trick him into less

Trump has the attention span of a six year old with ADHD, I think putting him in front of Paw Patrol would be the best thing we could do for our country.

Take on Trump’s football take

Trump said today that he'd have a hard time letting his kid play football and it might be the first thing I agree with him. It's a weird position for Trump to take as he's often derided the NFL for having gotten soft, even if he believes it to be true as it just doesn't seem like the kind of position that would okay well with his core supporters

But then again, maybe this is what happened to Eric.. he has that "I got my Bell Rung" look going almost every time you see him on TV.

Take on Northam.

I never had a nickname anywhere near as memorable as Coonface which is probably a good thing. Everybody is up in arms about Northam and the photo which may or may not be him in either blackface or a KKK robe and I wonder who the heck was the editor of this yearbook, David Duke??

I then think that we all did stupid stuff as a high school kid until I realized he had this posted in his medical school yearbook.

Take on the weird Trump at the big table thing.

There are a million weird photos of Trump but none are weirder than the ones with him sitting in front of the big board room. He somehow always sits with his hands on his lap but in doing so he leans forward like a gigantic orangutan making his face look all crinkly. . What's weirder is how he looks sp
odd without all his weird hand motions and you wonder if he's been told that when he sits so close to others he can't be moving his hands around as he's likely to smack Mike Pence in the face.

But more likely he doesn't want to have his hands on the table that close on others as he'd been completely exposed for having puny hands.